It's a Wicked World Special Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Welcome, viewers, to a whirlwind trip through the historical world.

Yes, I've got the travel bug...

to go with all my other bugs.

I fancy following in the footsteps

of some of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen,

so I've packed up my stuff and booked a round-the-world rat-urn ticket.

Rat-urn ticket! LAUGHS

Now, I just need to work out where to go first. Hmm...

How about France?

French Emperor Napoleon -

he certainly liked to visit different countries.

All right, conquer different countries.

He wanted to take over the whole of Europe,

and even though he was defeated in 1814 and imprisoned,

he didn't give up. No.

Just one year later, he escaped, raised an army and set out

to face British leader Wellington at the famous Battle of Waterloo.

Take it away, MC Napoleon.

MUSIC PLAYS

Its the Wonderbra of the French,

King of Italy, Co-Prince of Andorra,

you guessed it, it's me,

Napoleon Bonaparte!

Uh!

RAPS: Hello, Paris, I burst through ze door

Now everybody lift your jaws off the floor

You act like you've never seen your emperor before

It's Napoleon, and I'm back for more

I've just escaped from exile on Elba

Where they call me the caged monster

They say I'm short and I've got little hands

But check out my massive...battle plans

Yes, we've got to go to war one more time, against who?

Everybody - but don't worry, we'll be fine

Just fighting to get back what's rightfully mine

Which is everything I conquered ze first time

King Louis whatever!

He ain't got nothing on me

Ze greatest Frenchman ever

Come to war with me!

French people, my subjects

I brought you success

Women used to make me nervous

But in battle I'm ze best!

# Napoleon Bonaparte

# Napoleon Bonaparte

I didn't come to party

I came to get nasty!

# Napoleon Bonaparte

# Napoleon Bonaparte

Just got to win at Waterloo

Then I'll get back to ruling you

You say I'm cocky, maybe I am

It's not my fault, it's my pituitary gland

Or maybe my ego, but I tell you what is true

I'm a military genius

And my army love me, too

Can barely ride a horse, but not for want of trying

I'd say it's not my sore bum, but I would be lying!

So, it was ze British and ze Dutch Oh, and ze Prussian army,

But that's OK, the Prussian leader's barmy

-I'm pregnant with an elephant!

-See what I mean?

But I really need to win before they get on the scene

Can't pray for rain to stop, don't believe in God

If it carries on much longer we'll be stuck in ze mud

I got a hundred days!

And I'm back up in zis

We're outnumbered, yes

But we can win zis

Sure, I'm a little fat

And it hurts when I pee

But don't worry about zat

I'll lead you to victory, baby

# Napoleon Bonaparte

# Napoleon Bonaparte

I lead ze French army

I wasn't really zat tiny!

# Napoleon Bonaparte

# Napoleon Bonaparte

Look out, world, wait and see

You're about to see ze best of me

# Napoleon Bonaparte

# Napoleon Bonaparte

Just got to beat Wellington

Which almost nobody has done

# Napoleon Bonaparte

# Napoleon Bonaparte

And I'll go down in history

Cos Waterloo's my destiny.

Hello! I've just arrived in the Holy Land during the Middle Ages.

At least Napoleon isn't here with his armies...

or his feeties! LAUGHS

MEN SHOUT

Don't think I'll get much peace and quiet, though. No.

MARCHING

The Crusades are in full swing,

with Europe trying to reconquer the Holy Land,

which has been lost to Muslim forces.

But the Crusaders have more than met their match,

now they've come up against the Muslim leader Saladin.

When it comes to fighting in the desert, no-one is smarter.

This guy is Saladin-credible.

The Crusaders are headed for Jerusalem,

but we can deal with them here by the Horns of Hattin.

-Kill them!

-Kill them all!

Patien... Patience, my friends, we must be cleverer than that.

We can attack them in a different way.

We're in a desert. So ask yourself, what do they need?

-A good kicking!

-No. No, no.

A sword through the skull!

-Kill them all!

-Kill them!

No. No, no, no. Think about it. Think about it.

What must they do every day

in the desert, huh? You know? T-t-t-t-t-t...

Kiss a chipmunk?

No. No, no. No.

Not that. Put it this way,

what must we all do?

What must we all do every day to survive?

Go toilet?

-Other end, other end.

-Brush their teeth.

What is this? What is in this?

-Jug.

-Water! Water!

-Oh! Water!

-I totally drink water every day.

So, what must we do?

-Kill them!

-Kill them!

No! No. No. Go back to the water. Think water.

-Drown them!

-Drown them all!

How... How am I supposed to drown them?

In the paddling pool I keep for my camel?

You can drown in as little as one inch of water. Fact.

Oh, thanks for that, that's really helpful(!)

What happens in the desert

if you don't drink your water?

They have nothing to wash their, er, salad in.

-Saladin!

-LAUGHS

He's called Saladin!

Yeah, his name...his name is Saladin.

What happens in a desert if you do not drink the water?

-They...get thirsty?

-Yes!

And what happens if you still don't drink the water?

-You get bad skin!

-No.

-Chappy lips.

No, past that stage. OK. What happens next?

You die.

Yes! Boom!

One point to idiot number two!

Well done!

Where do they need to go to get their water?

It begins with a W, ends in an L.

-Wall?

-Rhymes with bell?

-Cello.

-SIGHS

W...w...

-Where...

-When...

We...

-Well!

-Yes!

Well! Yes!

-A-ha!

-So we go to the well,

we block their access, they cannot drink any water,

they get weaker and weaker

until they can barely stand,

they're about to die, and then we can finally...

-Ah! Kill them all!

-Kill them all!

-To the well!

-Come on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Can we just run through it one more time?

We go to the well.

The well is this way.

We travellers in the Middle Ages are living in dangerous times.

Not only do we have to avoid being killed in battle,

we also have to watch out for nasty illnesses, too.

Disease and sickness are everywhere here,

and even King John's brother picked up a nasty bug

when he arrived to fight Saladin.

Here's Johnny to tell us more.

What you might not know is that my brother,

King Richard the Lionheart...

Blech!

..went off on crusade as soon as he was made King.

But he got a horrid disease when he arrived in the Holy Land.

Did it...

The answer is...

B.

Both he and the King of France caught a disease called arnaldia

that made their skin all blotchy and their hair and nails drop off.

Er, what's more, their enemy Saladin had painful boils

all over his legs and bum, so he couldn't sit down.

See why I chose to stay at home, don't you, hm?

Much comfier.

Ooh, that's revolting!

But if you think travelling in the Holy Land was dangerous,

you'd better think twice about visiting East Asia, too.

During the reign of King John in England, it was a pretty scary place.

A fierce warrior called Genghis Khan

was terrorising people from Mongolia to China.

You have been warned!

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason, and welcome to Battle Of The Day,

coming live from 13th-century Mongolia

as we focus on the scourge of the world -

no, not the disastrous King John in England,

but the strong wolf himself, Genghis Khan.

With me, providing expert analysis and plenty of gory details,

it's Jamie Castle.

Jamie, Genghis has a pretty terrible reputation,

but come on, is he really that ruthless?

During his life, Genghis Khan turned most of Asia into a bloodbath.

What kind of soap would you use in a bloodbath?

It's not a real bath, Geoff.

And even if it was,

Genghis has made washing punishable by death.

Hold your noses,

we're about to hear from the mighty Mongol himself.

MEN SHOUTING Er, Genghis, you're off to do battle

with the Chinese today.

What do you say to accusations that you fight dirty?

It's true. I do!

There is no honour in war,

only victory or defeat!

Not sure that I agree with you there.

Then I'll kill you!

Thanks, lads. See you later.

We're about to go to Chris Staycalmer at the bridge...

of human bodies?! Chris?

Genghis arrives, sees the moat around the enemy fortress

and orders all his prisoners to rush into the water

until their bodies pile up like a bridge,

a human bridge,

allowing his army to march right across.

I've... I've never seen anything like it, Geoff.

Ugly but weirdly effective.

Bit like you, Chris.

Oh, yeah, really mature(!)

Oh, yeah, "I'm in a Mongol horde! Look at me bullying everyone!"

ANGRY SHOUTING No, I meant... I'm not...

And here's a victorious man who couldn't agree with you more.

Wahey!

Genghis, you've conquered anyone and everyone you could find,

one of the most brutal warriors in history. It's quite a legacy.

Hang on, how about my religious tolerance

or the fact that I outlawed kidnapping women,

stealing animals and enslaving other Mongols?

And all you wanna do is talk about wars and killing?

But you have killed quite a lot of people.

Fair point. 40 million is plenty.

40 million? In the 13th century that's...

that's nearly 11% of the world's entire population!

Great for the environment, though, Geoff.

Dead people don't produce CO2, methane or chop down trees.

He really deserves to be remembered

as one of the most environmentally friendly rulers of all time.

GEOFF FARTS

HE SNIFFS

Methane.

It's true, Genghis Khan was a ruthless warrior and leader

who also had strict rules about how his people should live day to day.

Do you know, he'd even have you executed

if you washed your body or your clothes.

Now, that really stinks. LAUGHS

Although that's no problem for me. I'd fit right in.

Medieval Mongolians wouldn't change their clothes

until they literally fell apart.

But then again, wherever you go in the world, people have always

had their own ideas about what to wear, what not to wear,

how to file your teeth so they're pointy.

What?

It's time for Historical Catwalk!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hi, and welcome to the final of Historical Catwalk.

Ja, ve've been all over ze world

looking for ze 12th century's most fashionable woman.

We are down to our final fabulous four. Are you excited, Heidi?

Maybe. I can't remember what real emotions feel like.

First on the runway is Chechua,

a beautiful Mayan contestant from South America.

Wow, I don't know what's funnier, her head or her teeth.

Your story inspires me.

Heidi, your truth,

it really touches me.

Next up, it's the fabulous, the fierce

Borte from Mongolia.

She's got a powerful spirit

and an even more powerful stench.

And, like all medieval Mongols,

you believe that you should never wash yourself

or your clothes.

I will remember you forever,

because I don't think the smell is ever going to leave me.

Our final contestant is Huy from China.

HEIDI GASPS

Huy, I love your heart and your spirit,

but deeper than that,

I love your bound feet and your shoes!

They lift you up above the other competitors

and the layer of animal poo

that covers the streets of your home city, Hangzhou.

You are so graceful.

AUDIENCE GASPS

So, out of this competition,

the winner of this century's Historical Catwalk is...

It's Borte!

Borte, you are truly

a great example of Mongol women,

which means you'll be kidnapped by a rival tribe.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

I really need to wash.

Who knew fashion was so dangerous?

I think I'm more of a thinker than a fighter.

Let's hope it's safer for me

here in the home of the great Chinese philosopher Confucius.

He was a great thinker and teacher who lived 2,500 years ago,

and his ideas and wise sayings are still popular today.

I've got a wise saying of my own.

A rat with no fur

will never catch fleas,

but a rat with no tail

is probably just a guinea pig. LAUGHS

He's the man whose cracking one-liners are still

pulling in the crowds 400 years after he died,

Confucius.

What you do not want done to yourself

do not do to others.

Cautious people rarely make mistakes.

Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.

It's the Confucius stand-up DVD.

Those lines are hundreds of years old,

but they're still so relevant even today.

-Yeah.

-They are classic.

-Yeah.

-They're absolutely classic.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my favourite one was, er...

"Never eat yellow snow".

-He didn't say that.

-What?

You know he didn't say that. He didn't say that.

-He did, didn't he?

-No. No.

He definitely didn't say that. He did not say that line.

He's the philosopher who said so many brilliant things that whenever

anything brilliant is said now, people think he come up with it!

Confucius said, er, "He who goes to bed with an itchy bottom

"will wake up

"with a smelly finger"!

That definitely wasn't him! That is well gross.

That is well gross.

Confucius said stuff like,

"When a country is run well,

"poverty is a thing to be ashamed of.

"When a country is run badly,

"riches are a thing to be ashamed of."

Yeah, mine are funnier.

Confucius, the greatest one-liners in history.

Confucius said, "When many birds flock together,

"wear a hat"!

-No, he didn't.

-He might have done.

-He didn't say that.

-He might have done.

He didn't say that. He didn't say that!

In the middle of a sentence, he might have done.

He didn't say that.

-You weren't there.

-He didn't say that.

-You don't know him.

-He didn't say that.

Buy the DVD of all Confucius's's's sayings

and you'll get the DVDs of all the things

he's supposed to have said but didn't

absolutely free!

The superior man understands what is right.

The inferior man understands what will sell.

And this will sell.

Hang on, does that make me inferior?

Oh, who cares!

The best thing about my round-the-world trip

is all the amazing food -

chewing on trash, snacking in the sewers

and bingeing on a battlefield buffet.

Mmm, horse hoof. Delicious.

What? Come on!

You humans have some strange eating habits of your own.

I mean, look,

I'm still in China,

but now I'm in the Tang dynasty over one thousand years ago.

They eat anything and everything here.

Well, nearly everything.

-Hello!

-Hello!

Yes, it's I'm A Tang Celebrity,

live from 8th-century China.

Joining us for the bush tucker trial,

it's Tang-tastic ruler Empress Wu Zetian.

-Why aye, Wu!

-Why aye.

So, Wu, you could say you're a powerful Wu-man!

-LAUGHS

-Nice!

Now, you've had to murder lots of people to get to the top,

but can you cope with...

..hornet larvae? Eurgh!

Basically, maggots!

Nice!

-Oh, she's eating it, like.

-Oh.

In that case, how about...

cockroach!

Oh!

Lovely!

Oh, disgusting!

-Boiled camel hump!

-Oh!

To die for!

Oh...

Oh, it's gorgeous.

Bamboo rat!

Yuck!

Tail's the best bit, for me.

-CRUNCH

-Not the tail! Oh!

Jellyfish!

-A juicy bit!

-It's making me feel...

-Ugh!

-I think I'm gonna...

Steamed bear.

You do know in Tang China

these are things we normally eat?

Oooh!

Stop, stop. Stop.

You've passed the bush tucker trial!

Ooh, disgusting!

Here's your prize.

Ten pounds of sirloin steak

to share with your royal court.

-Well done.

-What?!

Beef?

I can't eat that!

Oxen are used by Tang farmers

to pull their carts and plough fields.

Oh. Er...

How dare you eat such a useful animal!

Oh, no!

I'm a Geordie, get us out of here!

It was him!

Now, I wasn't gonna hang around

and wait for Empress Wu to snack on me next,

so I've left China and arrived in exotic India. Yeah.

I've dug out all my phrasebooks, and look, I can speak French!

"Je m'appelle Rattus," which means "My name is Rattus".

And I can also speak Italian -

"Ciao, bella Ratalie,"

which translates as "Hello, lovely Ratalie".

And... Hm,

I can't seem to find India.

I wonder if I know any Indian words already.

CRASH

What a hullabaloo, indeed.

Now, if you're going to travel through history

visiting far-flung places,

you must expect to find yourself in one or two dangerous situations.

Travellers, beware, especially on the high seas,

and none more so than during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I,

when a great naval battle took place near Greece

which would determine the future of Europe.

But although it was very serious, it was also very, very silly.

Hey, you! Yeah, you!

Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt

and listen up, yeah?

I'm Mr H, and I've been working hard searching through history

to find the craziest fools that ever lived,

These people are bad for your health, bruv.

If you don't pay attention,

so am I!

For real, fam. Get it? Chill.

Leave it!

The naval battle of Lepanto 1571, yeah?

The mighty Ottomans were up against the Spanish, Italian and Maltese,

fighting for the future of Europe.

Like in the football.

The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy

are too far away to fire at.

So what's he gonna do?!

Wait patiently and conserve energy for the battle ahead?

Come on, everyone, dance, dance, dance!

No! He's gonna try and start a dance-off! What?!

Dance!

-MR H:

-You'd better get the right tune,

otherwise it is gonna be wack!

Now, if this guy had any sense, yeah,

he would ignore the crazy Ottoman behaviour.

Whoo! You can't touch this!

-But he doesn't!

-Who? Me?

Dance!

Oh, man, quit already.

You're already making me seasick.

Now that the battle is on, you think things are gonna get serious, right?

Wrong!

Not a s... Argh!

This guy has just had his hand blown off, and it takes, like...

100 years or something to grow it back!

He needs to stop the bleeding! And that is a pretty sensible idea.

THEY CHEER

But that definitely isn't!

A chicken Band-Aid?!

Mate, chickens are for burgers. What are you thinking?!

Finger-licking fool!

Yeah, there's, er, no more cannonballs.

What? What?

Here come the Spanish. The Ottomans are out of ammo!

Oh, my days! Think it's all over?

Think again!

Who needs cannonballs when we've got fresh fruit! Load!

-Aim! Fire!

-LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY

-Fire fruit at will!

-LAUGHS

-Take that, you silly Spanish!

-LAUGHS

Know when to quit...

citrus fruit fools!

One glass of fool juice. All right!

Eurgh!

Remember, as long as we keep making history,

history will keep making crazy fools.

Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way!

-LAUGHS

-Until next time,

stay away from stupid, y'all!

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Have we cut? Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.

Well, I'm here in Greece.

But honestly, right now, I'd like a ship home.

All this travelling is exhausting.

I miss all the lovely things about the UK -

my lovely Ratalie,

the lovely sewers,

the lovely smells

and all that lovely poo!

-Ohhh!

-Please, sir!

Please!

HE GASPS

HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF

Wipe your bum, sir?

-What?

-May I? Wipe your bum, sir?

Er, no! No... No, I'm fine, thanks.

Oh, come, sir, this is the Middle Ages.

A fine gentleman like yourself

can't be seen to wipe his own bum now, can he?

-Er...

-No, no, it's all here in The Book Of Civilized Man

-by esteemed poet Daniel of Beccles.

-Erm...

"If you wish to belch, always look up at the ceiling."

HE DOES A LOUD BELCH

-OK, I'm going.

-Oh, wait!

You can stick that hay where the sun don't shine.

But that's what I was going to do, sir.

Please!

All right.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't want your money.

No.

-I want your poo!

-What?

It's been such a cold winter we've been burning poo

to keep warm.

Ooh!

-Ready when you are, sir.

-Just one log for the fire?

HE VOMITS

Sorry.

Oh...

Well, that's dinner sorted.

All that poo. So disgusting.

Yeah. I love it! LAUGHS

Ah, it's good to be back home. I've missed all of this.

And I'm not the only one who likes their home comforts.

Yeah, take Queen Victoria.

As well as Great Britain and Ireland,

she reigned over the whole British Empire.

In fact, she ruled over more countries than anyone in history.

But, funnily enough, she didn't like travelling.

When Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli

decided to make her Empress of India in 1876,

you'd think she'd go and visit the place. Right? Right?

Wrong!

MUSIC PLAYS

# It's good to be boss and Queen Victoria

# But what if all the world's other leaders ignore ya?

# Rule the world's biggest empire, but who does that impress?

# When even my own subjects don't know me as Empress

# Sort it, Disraeli, you're PM in charge

# I suppose if I had to I could tie it to the raj

# The plan, Your Highness, to prevent your sense of injure

# I hereby name you Empress of India

# Empress of India, that'll do me

# Queen of the Ganges, ruler of Karachi

# Mother of Madras, commander of Kashmir

# All I say is...

# I-I-I-I-I'm...

# ...staying here!

# The vast land of India is all very well

# But there's no place like home, I prefer a sewage smell

# Don't you love Bombay spices And the jewels of Hyderabad?

# They are shipped to England

# Go fetch 'em, I've been mad

# That Indian famine's no fun for a newcomer

# Prefer the Isle of Wight for my Indian summer

-# Calcutta's very nice

-# We'd better have no quarrel

# Frankly, Benji, bread's buttered better in Balmoral

# Empress of India

# Title sounds good

# Don't want to go there

# Maybe you should

# Mysore, not sure

# Won't go to Gujarati

# That's a shame

# There...ere...ere...ere...ere's...

# ...a fabulous party!

# Bagpipers played tunes beyond compare

# Viceroy announced with guns fired in the air

# The rajahs jumped, gave the elephants a scare

# Stampeded, killing natives, most unfair!

# But the party didn't stop for a bit for a bit of blood and gore

# Thousands of leaders feast and become more

# The biggest bally party you ever did see

# There's only one thing that's missing

# Me!

# Empress of India

# Nothing would be finer

# Own armfuls of Africa

# And chunks of China

# Queen of the world

# Apart from Paris and Rome

# Can't take her anywhere

# I-I-I-I-I'm...

# ...staying home! #

I quite agree, Miss Vicky. I'm staying home, too.

Right, so, this is what I've learned

about the world from my historical travels.

It may be full of beautiful and exotic places,

but it was also full of tyrannical rulers, war, explosions, massacres,

more explosions, armies led by maniacs, even more explosions.

Er, but on the other hand,

if we didn't go travelling, there'd be no souvenirs.

And if we didn't have souvenirs,

then I'd never have met my new friend, Cattus.

Goodbye!

All right, you can stop waving now.

No, really, you can stop waving.

No, really, stop waving. It's really annoying.

Seriously, stop waving!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz

# We chose you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories! #