It's a Wicked World Special Horrible Histories


It's a Wicked World Special

A special episode of the historical sketch show, featuring ghastly Genghis Khan, the wise Confucius and a dance-off during a naval battle!


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Horrible Histories presents...

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Welcome, viewers, to a whirlwind trip through the historical world.

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Yes, I've got the travel bug...

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to go with all my other bugs.

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I fancy following in the footsteps

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of some of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen,

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so I've packed up my stuff and booked a round-the-world rat-urn ticket.

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Rat-urn ticket! LAUGHS

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Now, I just need to work out where to go first. Hmm...

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How about France?

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French Emperor Napoleon -

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he certainly liked to visit different countries.

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All right, conquer different countries.

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He wanted to take over the whole of Europe,

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and even though he was defeated in 1814 and imprisoned,

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he didn't give up. No.

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Just one year later, he escaped, raised an army and set out

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to face British leader Wellington at the famous Battle of Waterloo.

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Take it away, MC Napoleon.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Its the Wonderbra of the French,

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King of Italy, Co-Prince of Andorra,

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you guessed it, it's me,

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Napoleon Bonaparte!

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Uh!

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RAPS: Hello, Paris, I burst through ze door

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Now everybody lift your jaws off the floor

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You act like you've never seen your emperor before

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It's Napoleon, and I'm back for more

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I've just escaped from exile on Elba

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Where they call me the caged monster

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They say I'm short and I've got little hands

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But check out my massive...battle plans

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Yes, we've got to go to war one more time, against who?

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Everybody - but don't worry, we'll be fine

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Just fighting to get back what's rightfully mine

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Which is everything I conquered ze first time

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King Louis whatever!

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He ain't got nothing on me

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Ze greatest Frenchman ever

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Come to war with me!

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French people, my subjects

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I brought you success

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Women used to make me nervous

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But in battle I'm ze best!

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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I didn't come to party

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I came to get nasty!

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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Just got to win at Waterloo

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Then I'll get back to ruling you

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You say I'm cocky, maybe I am

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It's not my fault, it's my pituitary gland

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Or maybe my ego, but I tell you what is true

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I'm a military genius

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And my army love me, too

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Can barely ride a horse, but not for want of trying

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I'd say it's not my sore bum, but I would be lying!

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So, it was ze British and ze Dutch Oh, and ze Prussian army,

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But that's OK, the Prussian leader's barmy

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-I'm pregnant with an elephant!

-See what I mean?

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But I really need to win before they get on the scene

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Can't pray for rain to stop, don't believe in God

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If it carries on much longer we'll be stuck in ze mud

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I got a hundred days!

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And I'm back up in zis

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We're outnumbered, yes

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But we can win zis

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Sure, I'm a little fat

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And it hurts when I pee

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But don't worry about zat

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I'll lead you to victory, baby

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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I lead ze French army

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I wasn't really zat tiny!

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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Look out, world, wait and see

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You're about to see ze best of me

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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Just got to beat Wellington

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Which almost nobody has done

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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# Napoleon Bonaparte

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And I'll go down in history

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Cos Waterloo's my destiny.

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Hello! I've just arrived in the Holy Land during the Middle Ages.

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At least Napoleon isn't here with his armies...

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or his feeties! LAUGHS

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MEN SHOUT

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Don't think I'll get much peace and quiet, though. No.

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MARCHING

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The Crusades are in full swing,

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with Europe trying to reconquer the Holy Land,

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which has been lost to Muslim forces.

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But the Crusaders have more than met their match,

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now they've come up against the Muslim leader Saladin.

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When it comes to fighting in the desert, no-one is smarter.

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This guy is Saladin-credible.

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The Crusaders are headed for Jerusalem,

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but we can deal with them here by the Horns of Hattin.

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-Kill them!

-Kill them all!

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Patien... Patience, my friends, we must be cleverer than that.

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We can attack them in a different way.

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We're in a desert. So ask yourself, what do they need?

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-A good kicking!

-No. No, no.

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A sword through the skull!

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-Kill them all!

-Kill them!

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No. No, no, no. Think about it. Think about it.

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What must they do every day

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in the desert, huh? You know? T-t-t-t-t-t...

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Kiss a chipmunk?

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No. No, no. No.

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Not that. Put it this way,

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what must we all do?

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What must we all do every day to survive?

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Go toilet?

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-Other end, other end.

-Brush their teeth.

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What is this? What is in this?

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-Jug.

-Water! Water!

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-Oh! Water!

-I totally drink water every day.

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So, what must we do?

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-Kill them!

-Kill them!

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No! No. No. Go back to the water. Think water.

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-Drown them!

-Drown them all!

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How... How am I supposed to drown them?

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In the paddling pool I keep for my camel?

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You can drown in as little as one inch of water. Fact.

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Oh, thanks for that, that's really helpful(!)

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What happens in the desert

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if you don't drink your water?

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They have nothing to wash their, er, salad in.

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-Saladin!

-LAUGHS

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He's called Saladin!

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Yeah, his name...his name is Saladin.

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What happens in a desert if you do not drink the water?

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-They...get thirsty?

-Yes!

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And what happens if you still don't drink the water?

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-You get bad skin!

-No.

-Chappy lips.

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No, past that stage. OK. What happens next?

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You die.

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Yes! Boom!

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One point to idiot number two!

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Well done!

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Where do they need to go to get their water?

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It begins with a W, ends in an L.

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-Wall?

-Rhymes with bell?

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-Cello.

-SIGHS

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W...w...

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-Where...

-When...

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We...

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-Well!

-Yes!

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Well! Yes!

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-A-ha!

-So we go to the well,

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we block their access, they cannot drink any water,

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they get weaker and weaker

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until they can barely stand,

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they're about to die, and then we can finally...

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-Ah! Kill them all!

-Kill them all!

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-To the well!

-Come on!

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Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

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Can we just run through it one more time?

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We go to the well.

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The well is this way.

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We travellers in the Middle Ages are living in dangerous times.

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Not only do we have to avoid being killed in battle,

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we also have to watch out for nasty illnesses, too.

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Disease and sickness are everywhere here,

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and even King John's brother picked up a nasty bug

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when he arrived to fight Saladin.

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Here's Johnny to tell us more.

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What you might not know is that my brother,

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King Richard the Lionheart...

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Blech!

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..went off on crusade as soon as he was made King.

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But he got a horrid disease when he arrived in the Holy Land.

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Did it...

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The answer is...

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B.

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Both he and the King of France caught a disease called arnaldia

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that made their skin all blotchy and their hair and nails drop off.

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Er, what's more, their enemy Saladin had painful boils

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all over his legs and bum, so he couldn't sit down.

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See why I chose to stay at home, don't you, hm?

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Much comfier.

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Ooh, that's revolting!

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But if you think travelling in the Holy Land was dangerous,

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you'd better think twice about visiting East Asia, too.

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During the reign of King John in England, it was a pretty scary place.

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A fierce warrior called Genghis Khan

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was terrorising people from Mongolia to China.

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You have been warned!

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Hello, I'm Geoff Reason, and welcome to Battle Of The Day,

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coming live from 13th-century Mongolia

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as we focus on the scourge of the world -

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no, not the disastrous King John in England,

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but the strong wolf himself, Genghis Khan.

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With me, providing expert analysis and plenty of gory details,

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it's Jamie Castle.

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Jamie, Genghis has a pretty terrible reputation,

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but come on, is he really that ruthless?

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During his life, Genghis Khan turned most of Asia into a bloodbath.

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What kind of soap would you use in a bloodbath?

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It's not a real bath, Geoff.

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And even if it was,

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Genghis has made washing punishable by death.

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Hold your noses,

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we're about to hear from the mighty Mongol himself.

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MEN SHOUTING Er, Genghis, you're off to do battle

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with the Chinese today.

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What do you say to accusations that you fight dirty?

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It's true. I do!

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There is no honour in war,

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only victory or defeat!

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Not sure that I agree with you there.

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Then I'll kill you!

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Thanks, lads. See you later.

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We're about to go to Chris Staycalmer at the bridge...

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of human bodies?! Chris?

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Genghis arrives, sees the moat around the enemy fortress

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and orders all his prisoners to rush into the water

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until their bodies pile up like a bridge,

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a human bridge,

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allowing his army to march right across.

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I've... I've never seen anything like it, Geoff.

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Ugly but weirdly effective.

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Bit like you, Chris.

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Oh, yeah, really mature(!)

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Oh, yeah, "I'm in a Mongol horde! Look at me bullying everyone!"

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ANGRY SHOUTING No, I meant... I'm not...

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And here's a victorious man who couldn't agree with you more.

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Wahey!

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Genghis, you've conquered anyone and everyone you could find,

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one of the most brutal warriors in history. It's quite a legacy.

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Hang on, how about my religious tolerance

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or the fact that I outlawed kidnapping women,

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stealing animals and enslaving other Mongols?

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And all you wanna do is talk about wars and killing?

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But you have killed quite a lot of people.

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Fair point. 40 million is plenty.

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40 million? In the 13th century that's...

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that's nearly 11% of the world's entire population!

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Great for the environment, though, Geoff.

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Dead people don't produce CO2, methane or chop down trees.

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He really deserves to be remembered

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as one of the most environmentally friendly rulers of all time.

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GEOFF FARTS

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HE SNIFFS

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Methane.

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It's true, Genghis Khan was a ruthless warrior and leader

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who also had strict rules about how his people should live day to day.

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Do you know, he'd even have you executed

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if you washed your body or your clothes.

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Now, that really stinks. LAUGHS

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Although that's no problem for me. I'd fit right in.

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Medieval Mongolians wouldn't change their clothes

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until they literally fell apart.

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But then again, wherever you go in the world, people have always

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had their own ideas about what to wear, what not to wear,

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how to file your teeth so they're pointy.

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What?

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It's time for Historical Catwalk!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Hi, and welcome to the final of Historical Catwalk.

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Ja, ve've been all over ze world

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looking for ze 12th century's most fashionable woman.

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We are down to our final fabulous four. Are you excited, Heidi?

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Maybe. I can't remember what real emotions feel like.

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First on the runway is Chechua,

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a beautiful Mayan contestant from South America.

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Wow, I don't know what's funnier, her head or her teeth.

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Your story inspires me.

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Heidi, your truth,

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it really touches me.

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Next up, it's the fabulous, the fierce

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Borte from Mongolia.

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She's got a powerful spirit

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and an even more powerful stench.

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And, like all medieval Mongols,

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you believe that you should never wash yourself

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or your clothes.

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I will remember you forever,

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because I don't think the smell is ever going to leave me.

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Our final contestant is Huy from China.

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HEIDI GASPS

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Huy, I love your heart and your spirit,

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but deeper than that,

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I love your bound feet and your shoes!

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They lift you up above the other competitors

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and the layer of animal poo

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that covers the streets of your home city, Hangzhou.

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You are so graceful.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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So, out of this competition,

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the winner of this century's Historical Catwalk is...

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It's Borte!

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Borte, you are truly

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a great example of Mongol women,

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which means you'll be kidnapped by a rival tribe.

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ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

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I really need to wash.

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Who knew fashion was so dangerous?

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I think I'm more of a thinker than a fighter.

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Let's hope it's safer for me

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here in the home of the great Chinese philosopher Confucius.

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He was a great thinker and teacher who lived 2,500 years ago,

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and his ideas and wise sayings are still popular today.

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I've got a wise saying of my own.

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A rat with no fur

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will never catch fleas,

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but a rat with no tail

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is probably just a guinea pig. LAUGHS

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He's the man whose cracking one-liners are still

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pulling in the crowds 400 years after he died,

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Confucius.

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What you do not want done to yourself

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do not do to others.

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Cautious people rarely make mistakes.

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Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.

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It's the Confucius stand-up DVD.

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Those lines are hundreds of years old,

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but they're still so relevant even today.

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-Yeah.

-They are classic.

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-Yeah.

-They're absolutely classic.

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Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my favourite one was, er...

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"Never eat yellow snow".

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-He didn't say that.

-What?

0:14:490:14:51

You know he didn't say that. He didn't say that.

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-He did, didn't he?

-No. No.

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He definitely didn't say that. He did not say that line.

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He's the philosopher who said so many brilliant things that whenever

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anything brilliant is said now, people think he come up with it!

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Confucius said, er, "He who goes to bed with an itchy bottom

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"will wake up

0:15:060:15:08

"with a smelly finger"!

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That definitely wasn't him! That is well gross.

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That is well gross.

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Confucius said stuff like,

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"When a country is run well,

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"poverty is a thing to be ashamed of.

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"When a country is run badly,

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"riches are a thing to be ashamed of."

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Yeah, mine are funnier.

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Confucius, the greatest one-liners in history.

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Confucius said, "When many birds flock together,

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"wear a hat"!

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-No, he didn't.

-He might have done.

0:15:380:15:40

-He didn't say that.

-He might have done.

0:15:400:15:41

He didn't say that. He didn't say that!

0:15:410:15:43

In the middle of a sentence, he might have done.

0:15:430:15:45

He didn't say that.

0:15:450:15:46

-You weren't there.

-He didn't say that.

0:15:460:15:48

-You don't know him.

-He didn't say that.

0:15:480:15:49

Buy the DVD of all Confucius's's's sayings

0:15:490:15:52

and you'll get the DVDs of all the things

0:15:520:15:53

he's supposed to have said but didn't

0:15:530:15:55

absolutely free!

0:15:550:15:57

The superior man understands what is right.

0:15:570:15:59

The inferior man understands what will sell.

0:15:590:16:03

And this will sell.

0:16:030:16:04

Hang on, does that make me inferior?

0:16:040:16:07

Oh, who cares!

0:16:070:16:08

The best thing about my round-the-world trip

0:16:080:16:11

is all the amazing food -

0:16:110:16:13

chewing on trash, snacking in the sewers

0:16:130:16:15

and bingeing on a battlefield buffet.

0:16:150:16:18

Mmm, horse hoof. Delicious.

0:16:180:16:22

What? Come on!

0:16:220:16:24

You humans have some strange eating habits of your own.

0:16:240:16:26

I mean, look,

0:16:260:16:27

I'm still in China,

0:16:270:16:29

but now I'm in the Tang dynasty over one thousand years ago.

0:16:290:16:33

They eat anything and everything here.

0:16:330:16:35

Well, nearly everything.

0:16:350:16:38

-Hello!

-Hello!

0:16:380:16:39

Yes, it's I'm A Tang Celebrity,

0:16:390:16:41

live from 8th-century China.

0:16:410:16:43

Joining us for the bush tucker trial,

0:16:430:16:45

it's Tang-tastic ruler Empress Wu Zetian.

0:16:450:16:49

-Why aye, Wu!

-Why aye.

0:16:490:16:51

So, Wu, you could say you're a powerful Wu-man!

0:16:510:16:54

-LAUGHS

-Nice!

0:16:540:16:56

Now, you've had to murder lots of people to get to the top,

0:16:560:16:59

but can you cope with...

0:16:590:17:01

..hornet larvae? Eurgh!

0:17:040:17:05

Basically, maggots!

0:17:050:17:07

Nice!

0:17:070:17:08

-Oh, she's eating it, like.

-Oh.

0:17:080:17:11

In that case, how about...

0:17:110:17:13

cockroach!

0:17:130:17:14

Oh!

0:17:140:17:16

Lovely!

0:17:160:17:17

Oh, disgusting!

0:17:170:17:20

-Boiled camel hump!

-Oh!

0:17:220:17:25

To die for!

0:17:250:17:27

Oh...

0:17:270:17:28

Oh, it's gorgeous.

0:17:280:17:29

Bamboo rat!

0:17:290:17:31

Yuck!

0:17:310:17:32

Tail's the best bit, for me.

0:17:320:17:33

-CRUNCH

-Not the tail! Oh!

0:17:330:17:35

Jellyfish!

0:17:350:17:37

-A juicy bit!

-It's making me feel...

0:17:370:17:40

-Ugh!

-I think I'm gonna...

0:17:400:17:42

Steamed bear.

0:17:430:17:44

You do know in Tang China

0:17:440:17:46

these are things we normally eat?

0:17:460:17:48

Oooh!

0:17:480:17:50

Stop, stop. Stop.

0:17:500:17:53

You've passed the bush tucker trial!

0:17:530:17:54

Ooh, disgusting!

0:17:540:17:56

Here's your prize.

0:17:560:17:57

Ten pounds of sirloin steak

0:17:570:17:59

to share with your royal court.

0:17:590:18:00

-Well done.

-What?!

0:18:000:18:02

Beef?

0:18:020:18:03

I can't eat that!

0:18:030:18:05

Oxen are used by Tang farmers

0:18:050:18:07

to pull their carts and plough fields.

0:18:070:18:10

Oh. Er...

0:18:100:18:12

How dare you eat such a useful animal!

0:18:120:18:14

Oh, no!

0:18:140:18:16

I'm a Geordie, get us out of here!

0:18:160:18:18

It was him!

0:18:180:18:20

Now, I wasn't gonna hang around

0:18:200:18:22

and wait for Empress Wu to snack on me next,

0:18:220:18:24

so I've left China and arrived in exotic India. Yeah.

0:18:240:18:29

I've dug out all my phrasebooks, and look, I can speak French!

0:18:290:18:34

"Je m'appelle Rattus," which means "My name is Rattus".

0:18:340:18:39

And I can also speak Italian -

0:18:390:18:41

"Ciao, bella Ratalie,"

0:18:410:18:42

which translates as "Hello, lovely Ratalie".

0:18:420:18:46

And... Hm,

0:18:460:18:47

I can't seem to find India.

0:18:470:18:49

I wonder if I know any Indian words already.

0:18:490:18:53

CRASH

0:19:160:19:18

What a hullabaloo, indeed.

0:19:300:19:33

Now, if you're going to travel through history

0:19:330:19:35

visiting far-flung places,

0:19:350:19:36

you must expect to find yourself in one or two dangerous situations.

0:19:360:19:39

Travellers, beware, especially on the high seas,

0:19:390:19:42

and none more so than during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I,

0:19:420:19:45

when a great naval battle took place near Greece

0:19:450:19:47

which would determine the future of Europe.

0:19:470:19:49

But although it was very serious, it was also very, very silly.

0:19:490:19:53

Hey, you! Yeah, you!

0:19:530:19:56

Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt

0:19:560:19:57

and listen up, yeah?

0:19:570:19:59

I'm Mr H, and I've been working hard searching through history

0:19:590:20:02

to find the craziest fools that ever lived,

0:20:020:20:04

These people are bad for your health, bruv.

0:20:040:20:07

If you don't pay attention,

0:20:070:20:08

so am I!

0:20:080:20:10

For real, fam. Get it? Chill.

0:20:100:20:13

Leave it!

0:20:190:20:20

The naval battle of Lepanto 1571, yeah?

0:20:200:20:23

The mighty Ottomans were up against the Spanish, Italian and Maltese,

0:20:230:20:29

fighting for the future of Europe.

0:20:290:20:30

Like in the football.

0:20:300:20:32

The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy

0:20:320:20:35

are too far away to fire at.

0:20:350:20:36

So what's he gonna do?!

0:20:360:20:38

Wait patiently and conserve energy for the battle ahead?

0:20:380:20:41

Come on, everyone, dance, dance, dance!

0:20:410:20:45

No! He's gonna try and start a dance-off! What?!

0:20:450:20:49

Dance!

0:20:490:20:50

-MR H:

-You'd better get the right tune,

0:20:500:20:51

otherwise it is gonna be wack!

0:20:510:20:53

Now, if this guy had any sense, yeah,

0:20:530:20:56

he would ignore the crazy Ottoman behaviour.

0:20:560:20:59

Whoo! You can't touch this!

0:20:590:21:01

-But he doesn't!

-Who? Me?

0:21:010:21:03

Dance!

0:21:030:21:04

Oh, man, quit already.

0:21:060:21:09

You're already making me seasick.

0:21:090:21:11

Now that the battle is on, you think things are gonna get serious, right?

0:21:110:21:14

Wrong!

0:21:140:21:15

Not a s... Argh!

0:21:180:21:21

This guy has just had his hand blown off, and it takes, like...

0:21:210:21:24

100 years or something to grow it back!

0:21:240:21:26

He needs to stop the bleeding! And that is a pretty sensible idea.

0:21:260:21:30

THEY CHEER

0:21:310:21:34

But that definitely isn't!

0:21:340:21:35

A chicken Band-Aid?!

0:21:350:21:37

Mate, chickens are for burgers. What are you thinking?!

0:21:370:21:39

Finger-licking fool!

0:21:390:21:41

Yeah, there's, er, no more cannonballs.

0:21:410:21:43

What? What?

0:21:430:21:44

Here come the Spanish. The Ottomans are out of ammo!

0:21:440:21:47

Oh, my days! Think it's all over?

0:21:470:21:49

Think again!

0:21:490:21:50

Who needs cannonballs when we've got fresh fruit! Load!

0:21:500:21:54

-Aim! Fire!

-LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY

0:21:550:21:58

-Fire fruit at will!

-LAUGHS

0:21:580:22:01

-Take that, you silly Spanish!

-LAUGHS

0:22:010:22:03

Know when to quit...

0:22:030:22:05

citrus fruit fools!

0:22:050:22:07

One glass of fool juice. All right!

0:22:070:22:10

Eurgh!

0:22:100:22:11

Remember, as long as we keep making history,

0:22:110:22:14

history will keep making crazy fools.

0:22:140:22:16

Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way!

0:22:160:22:19

-LAUGHS

-Until next time,

0:22:190:22:21

stay away from stupid, y'all!

0:22:210:22:23

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Have we cut? Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.

0:22:260:22:29

Well, I'm here in Greece.

0:22:310:22:33

But honestly, right now, I'd like a ship home.

0:22:330:22:36

All this travelling is exhausting.

0:22:360:22:38

I miss all the lovely things about the UK -

0:22:380:22:41

my lovely Ratalie,

0:22:410:22:43

the lovely sewers,

0:22:430:22:45

the lovely smells

0:22:450:22:46

and all that lovely poo!

0:22:460:22:49

-Ohhh!

-Please, sir!

0:23:000:23:02

Please!

0:23:040:23:05

HE GASPS

0:23:050:23:07

HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF

0:23:100:23:12

Wipe your bum, sir?

0:23:140:23:16

-What?

-May I? Wipe your bum, sir?

0:23:160:23:18

Er, no! No... No, I'm fine, thanks.

0:23:180:23:21

Oh, come, sir, this is the Middle Ages.

0:23:210:23:24

A fine gentleman like yourself

0:23:240:23:25

can't be seen to wipe his own bum now, can he?

0:23:250:23:27

-Er...

-No, no, it's all here in The Book Of Civilized Man

0:23:270:23:30

-by esteemed poet Daniel of Beccles.

-Erm...

0:23:300:23:33

"If you wish to belch, always look up at the ceiling."

0:23:340:23:37

HE DOES A LOUD BELCH

0:23:370:23:39

-OK, I'm going.

-Oh, wait!

0:23:390:23:41

You can stick that hay where the sun don't shine.

0:23:410:23:44

But that's what I was going to do, sir.

0:23:440:23:45

Please!

0:23:450:23:47

All right.

0:23:470:23:48

SHE LAUGHS

0:23:490:23:51

I don't want your money.

0:23:510:23:53

No.

0:23:530:23:54

-I want your poo!

-What?

0:23:540:23:56

It's been such a cold winter we've been burning poo

0:23:560:23:59

to keep warm.

0:23:590:24:01

Ooh!

0:24:010:24:02

-Ready when you are, sir.

-Just one log for the fire?

0:24:040:24:07

HE VOMITS

0:24:070:24:09

Sorry.

0:24:140:24:16

Oh...

0:24:160:24:17

Well, that's dinner sorted.

0:24:180:24:21

All that poo. So disgusting.

0:24:220:24:26

Yeah. I love it! LAUGHS

0:24:260:24:29

Ah, it's good to be back home. I've missed all of this.

0:24:290:24:33

And I'm not the only one who likes their home comforts.

0:24:330:24:35

Yeah, take Queen Victoria.

0:24:350:24:37

As well as Great Britain and Ireland,

0:24:370:24:40

she reigned over the whole British Empire.

0:24:400:24:43

In fact, she ruled over more countries than anyone in history.

0:24:430:24:47

But, funnily enough, she didn't like travelling.

0:24:470:24:50

When Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli

0:24:500:24:53

decided to make her Empress of India in 1876,

0:24:530:24:57

you'd think she'd go and visit the place. Right? Right?

0:24:570:25:01

Wrong!

0:25:010:25:03

MUSIC PLAYS

0:25:030:25:05

# It's good to be boss and Queen Victoria

0:25:110:25:13

# But what if all the world's other leaders ignore ya?

0:25:130:25:15

# Rule the world's biggest empire, but who does that impress?

0:25:150:25:19

# When even my own subjects don't know me as Empress

0:25:190:25:23

# Sort it, Disraeli, you're PM in charge

0:25:230:25:25

# I suppose if I had to I could tie it to the raj

0:25:250:25:28

# The plan, Your Highness, to prevent your sense of injure

0:25:280:25:29

# I hereby name you Empress of India

0:25:290:25:32

# Empress of India, that'll do me

0:25:320:25:36

# Queen of the Ganges, ruler of Karachi

0:25:360:25:40

# Mother of Madras, commander of Kashmir

0:25:400:25:44

# All I say is...

0:25:440:25:46

# I-I-I-I-I'm...

0:25:460:25:50

# ...staying here!

0:25:500:25:51

# The vast land of India is all very well

0:25:590:26:01

# But there's no place like home, I prefer a sewage smell

0:26:010:26:03

# Don't you love Bombay spices And the jewels of Hyderabad?

0:26:030:26:07

# They are shipped to England

0:26:070:26:09

# Go fetch 'em, I've been mad

0:26:090:26:11

# That Indian famine's no fun for a newcomer

0:26:110:26:14

# Prefer the Isle of Wight for my Indian summer

0:26:140:26:16

-# Calcutta's very nice

-# We'd better have no quarrel

0:26:160:26:17

# Frankly, Benji, bread's buttered better in Balmoral

0:26:170:26:20

# Empress of India

0:26:200:26:22

# Title sounds good

0:26:220:26:24

# Don't want to go there

0:26:240:26:25

# Maybe you should

0:26:260:26:28

# Mysore, not sure

0:26:280:26:30

# Won't go to Gujarati

0:26:300:26:32

# That's a shame

0:26:320:26:34

# There...ere...ere...ere...ere's...

0:26:340:26:38

# ...a fabulous party!

0:26:380:26:39

# Bagpipers played tunes beyond compare

0:26:430:26:45

# Viceroy announced with guns fired in the air

0:26:450:26:47

# The rajahs jumped, gave the elephants a scare

0:26:470:26:49

# Stampeded, killing natives, most unfair!

0:26:490:26:51

# But the party didn't stop for a bit for a bit of blood and gore

0:26:510:26:53

# Thousands of leaders feast and become more

0:26:530:26:55

# The biggest bally party you ever did see

0:26:550:26:57

# There's only one thing that's missing

0:26:570:26:59

# Me!

0:26:590:27:00

# Empress of India

0:27:000:27:02

# Nothing would be finer

0:27:020:27:04

# Own armfuls of Africa

0:27:040:27:06

# And chunks of China

0:27:060:27:07

# Queen of the world

0:27:070:27:10

# Apart from Paris and Rome

0:27:100:27:12

# Can't take her anywhere

0:27:120:27:14

# I-I-I-I-I'm...

0:27:140:27:17

# ...staying home! #

0:27:170:27:20

I quite agree, Miss Vicky. I'm staying home, too.

0:27:200:27:24

Right, so, this is what I've learned

0:27:240:27:27

about the world from my historical travels.

0:27:270:27:30

It may be full of beautiful and exotic places,

0:27:300:27:33

but it was also full of tyrannical rulers, war, explosions, massacres,

0:27:330:27:38

more explosions, armies led by maniacs, even more explosions.

0:27:380:27:43

Er, but on the other hand,

0:27:430:27:44

if we didn't go travelling, there'd be no souvenirs.

0:27:440:27:48

And if we didn't have souvenirs,

0:27:480:27:50

then I'd never have met my new friend, Cattus.

0:27:500:27:53

Goodbye!

0:27:550:27:56

All right, you can stop waving now.

0:27:560:27:58

No, really, you can stop waving.

0:27:590:28:01

No, really, stop waving. It's really annoying.

0:28:020:28:05

Seriously, stop waving!

0:28:060:28:08

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

0:28:090:28:11

# We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:28:110:28:12

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz

0:28:120:28:14

# We chose you all the juicy bits

0:28:140:28:15

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

0:28:150:28:17

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

0:28:170:28:20

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:28:200:28:23

# Hope you enjoyed...

0:28:230:28:25

# Horrible Histories! #

0:28:250:28:28

A special episode of the historical sketch show, featuring ghastly Genghis Khan, the wise Confucius and a dance-off during a naval battle! There's also a Bollywood number from Queen Victoria. With Rattus to guide the way.


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