Savage Songs Special Horrible Histories


Savage Songs Special

A special episode of the historical sketch show, featuring songs from the series by King Alfred, Henry VIII, William the Conqueror and more.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Civil Wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that

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# And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Horrible Histories presents...

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Savage Songs.

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Hello, viewers. Rat is the superstar here.

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All right, I'm not a superstar yet. I'm more of a sewer star.

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RAT LAUGHS

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I want to be famous and filthy rich. I mean, how hard can it be?

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These days, you just need to get on one of those talent shows

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and strut your furry stuff.

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But in the olden days,

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being a super star was all about being a leader and a fighter

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and the biggest kid on the block,

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and they don't come much bigger than Mr Big himself -

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Henry VIII, who was king of England 500 years ago.

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His track is called A Little More Reformation.

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It's about taking over the church

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and pocketing all the money for himself,

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the big bully.

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And a-one, and a-two, and a-one, two, three, four.

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# Wanna get my hands on all that money, please

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# A little less Pope, a lot more king

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# I sure do hope to grab that bling

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# Cos war with France is what will satisfy me

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# And that is sure is pricey

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# Passed a law so the Pope's been banned

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# Now I'm top dog in the Church of England

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# It's going swell

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# I ain't got the blues

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# Unless you count my jousting bruise

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# Got rid of Anne, her head to lose

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# To get my kicks at 36

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# I'm up to my old violent tricks

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# If the church is mine, so is this...

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# They're about to find that I play rough

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# Wanna get my hands on all that money, please

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# A little more king, a lot less nuns

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# I'll sell their land to buy more guns

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# Cos war with France is what will satisfy me

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# And that sure is pricey

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# For the church, this won't end well

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# I'm sending in my man Cromwell

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# With suspicious minds and a pack of lies

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# He'll ignore their desperate cries

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# Then take their land for my prize

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# Refusing me is kind of treasonable

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# But I'm a guy who can be reasonable

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# I'll offer pensions, payment schemes

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# But crush the monks who block my dreams

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# Wanna get my hands on all that money, please

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# If those abbots don't change tack

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# I'll send them to the jailhouse rack

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# They'd better ditch the Pope and recognise me

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# Yeah, recognise me

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# So chuck out the monk

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# The monk, the monk

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# Chuck out the monk

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# The monk, the monk

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# Some may quit if they can

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# The rest I'll squash in my hand

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# Yes, that means they'll be slaughtered

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# Even hung, drawn and quartered

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# Wanna get my hands on all that money, please

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# I'll flog the buildings, sell the gold

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# Close the libraries, those books are old

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# There's nothing you can do to try and stop me

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# Cos I'm King Henry

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# Oh, mama

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# A little more reformation, please. #

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Henry has left the building.

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Well, it just goes to show you need a catchy tune

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if you want to be remembered.

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Either that or have a couple of your wives executed.

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So, I've had an idea.

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I'm going to write my own albums full of great songs.

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That's bound to make me famous.

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I could tall it Sewer Town Funk.

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RAT PLAYS YAMARAT

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But I'll need a good pop star name too.

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What about Unclean Bandit? No?

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Stink Ratty Rat?

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Or maybe it should sound really awesome, like Rattis the Rock God.

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Well, it worked for Alfred the Great.

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Back in the 9th century,

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he defended the country by hitting back against the Viking invaders.

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In fact, he had so many hits, he deserves a gold disc.

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Take it away, Alfie.

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# I had four brothers, future kings, every man

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# Aethelbald, Aethelred, Aethelberht and Aethelstan

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# I'm not an Aethel, but I'll end up being king

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# They mostly ended up the wrong end of a Viking

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# Every time I spoke to Viking Guthrum

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# To try to broker peace

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# He always seemed to break his promise

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# So a ceasefire had to cease

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# His armies entered Exeter, I caused him strife

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# But he fought back, so now I'm flighting for my life

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# I'm out of town, I'm in retreat

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# Don't want to end up as Viking meat

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# I've hurried off

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# I am upset

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# Hiding in the marshes of Somerset

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# I'm on the run, though I'm supposed to be top man

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# Think I'm beat, but this is neat

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# It's my royal master plan

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# I know this land so well I'll catch him hit and run

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# Mount attacks on Viking shacks

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# It's like I've won

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# On the Isle of Athelney is where great legends all began

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# People say that while I was there

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# I burnt cakes in a pan

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# They say there was nothing left but smouldering cakey goo

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# This story reel I must admit, it's not true

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# I'm out of town, but now I see

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# I'll wait till we build a huge army

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# I'm hanging in, I'm getting tough

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# Quite soon those Vikings will have had enough

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# Now with my army, Guthrun's men, I'm whipping 'em

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# The exit Exeter, now chipper in Chippenham

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# Proved to the country I've got what it takes... #

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But all people ask, though...

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# Is it true about the cakes?

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# I win the fight, I am the king

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# Tough like my brothers, kill a Viking

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# I'm number one, I am the boss

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# You mess with me and that'll be your loss

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# I won the war, came out on top

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# Viking rule managed to stop

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# I raised the stakes I got the breaks

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# But I didn't really burn the cakes. #

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Yes, the story goes that King Alfred burnt some cakes

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whilst hiding from the Vikings, but it's not true. Well, probably not.

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But, if he did,

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he could have had the cakes with a favourite Saxon drink called mead.

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To make mead, you need honey, and to get honey, you need bees.

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HE SCREAMS

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-GLASS SHATTERS

-And to get bees...

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you need... Ah, I'll let Alfred explain.

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POT SHATTERS

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We Saxons love delicious honey. Mm.

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And use it to make our favourite mead drink.

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But how do you get a swarm of bees to nest in your house?

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Do you...

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The answer is A.

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When we see some bees, we sing a little song asking them to stay,

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and then chuck gravel over them. That's what my servants do.

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It's probably better than lobbing a shoe at them,

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because if they attack you, you've only got one shoe to run away with!

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I'm full of good advice, me.

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Yeah, right.

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-WOMAN:

-Agh, a rat!

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Ah, there goes one of my screaming fans.

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All right, she was just screaming.

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If I'm going to make it big,

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I'm going to need some serious rock star attitude.

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That'll bring in the fans. Everybody loves a rebel, just like Boudica.

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She got loads of Celtic fans, especially

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when she went to war with the Romans.

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-WOMAN SCREAMS

-Vermin!

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-RAT LAUGHS

-Still got it.

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# Fine wine, designer Roman goods

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# I owned a fancy stash

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# But when my husband died, the Romans cried

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# Let's take his cash

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# Like a baby, I had a little cry

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# At this terrible stage

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# But before too long

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# I had turned this song

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# Into a violent rage

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# And so I had to wreck 'em all

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# Tear down every Roman wall

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# Unleashed all my fury on

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# Every Roman centurion

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# I led a Celtic army

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# And we smashed the Roman crew

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# Took London, St Albans, Camulodunum

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# That's Colchester to you

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# Rather than end up dead

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# Romans turned and fled

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# From our uprising

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# Their soldiers took flight

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# Cowards found our fight unappetising

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# And so I had to wreck 'em all

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# Took no prisoners at all

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# Burned those cowards down to the ground

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# Killed every Roman I found

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# I never meant to start a war

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# Actually, that's not so

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# Just wanted every Roman to pack up their villa and go

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# So Roman Britain starts to fall

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# Shame I hadn't reckoned all

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# These legions would arrive from Rome

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# And we're fighting them for our homes

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# Won't stop till I deck 'em all

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# Every soldier, every general

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# My plan was just to go berserk

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# And wrecking seems

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# To work, to work, to work

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# To work, to work, to work. #

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Boudica's career didn't last very long,

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and she was defeated by the Romans just a year later.

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But then she didn't have moves like this.

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Yes, I'm wearing sunglasses indoors and, yes, I know I look cool, yeah.

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But that's because fashion is pretty important

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if you want to be a real rock god.

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And the superstar of our next hit definitely had a fierce style

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of his own you won't forget in a hurry,

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especially if you were a Saxon at the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

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Let's break it down with William the Conqueror.

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Norman style!

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# We Normans are from France

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# It's not where we originated

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# Our accents are weird But we're not sophisticated... #

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HE BURPS

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# Tough and terrifying, we've descended from the Vikings

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# So is it any wonder we've a natural flair for fighting?

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-ALL:

-# Normans over here

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# And you English can't abide us

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# Normans over here

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# Oh, that's cute, you try to fight us

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# Normans over here

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# We set the north on fire

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# Normans over here

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# Saxon life, au revoir

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# We build castles

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# We love horses

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-# Our cavalry

-Hey

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-# All armies fear

-Hey

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# We're great fighters

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# You can hire us

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-# But you won't like us

-No

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-# And we don't care

-No

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# We've got that haircut cos of chainmail that we wear...

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This is Norman style.

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# Jump, jump, jump, jump

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# Riding Norman style

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# Jump, jump, jump, jump

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# Haircut Norman style

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# Jump, jump, jump, jump

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# Hands off Norman style

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# Jump, jump, jump, jump... #

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This is Norman style

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# And William the Conqueror, the greatest Norman ever

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# Got delayed in Reading, England, cos of the bad weather

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# Then chopped up your King Harold and left his mummy crying

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# What do you expect, man?

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# I'm practically a Viking

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# England's rightful heir

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# So signed Edward the Confessor

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# England's rightful heir

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# Forget Harold the Usurper

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# England's rightful heir

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# These Normans gonna rule ya

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# England's rightful heir

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# Surrender or I kill ya

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# We build castles

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# We love horses

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-# Our cavalry

-Hey

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-# All armies fear

-Hey

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# We're great fighters

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# You can hire us

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-# But you won't like us

-No

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-# And we don't care

-No

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# We've got that hair cos of the chainmail that we wear... #

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This is Norman style.

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# Hey, Saxon ladies

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# Jump, jump, jump, jump

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# Haircut Norman style

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# Hey, Saxon prisoners

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# Jump, jump, jump, jump

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# Hands off Norman style

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# Hey, check our horses

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# Jump, jump, jump, jump

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# Riding Norman style

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# Hey, we ruled England

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# Jump, jump, jump... #

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Norman style.

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Bonjour. I am William the Conqueror.

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But before I got my ace nickname by Reading, England,

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my army had to wait in France for several weeks due to the bad weather.

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You will not believe how much poo was produced by the horses

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during that time.

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Was it...

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The answer is C, 2,000 tonnes. So much poo!

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And when you think of all the wee produced by all the soldiers

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and horses, it must have been about 2.5 million litres.

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They say that war is a dirty business. They are not kidding.

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William had style all right, but he had a temper too.

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Not like me, I'm too nice.

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Hang on, that's my problem.

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If I'm going to be a music megastar, I need to be much more demanding.

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Ooh, what the rat is this?!

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I mean, come on. How many times have I said a mocha macchi latte grande?

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Not a choca matte cuppa chini weenie.

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Actually, this'll do. Thanks very much.

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No, no, no, no, no. I've got to be tougher than that!

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I need to become a real diva,

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like these next two warring queens from Tudor times.

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In fact, Queen Elizabeth I was

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so angry with her cousin Mary Queen of Scots

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plotting to take the throne, she had Mary arrested and put on trial.

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Please may I have some chocolate sprinkles?

0:15:590:16:02

Please?

0:16:020:16:04

# Is this a fair trial

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# Or just a mockery?

0:16:070:16:10

# I am Queen Mary

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# With no escape from your trickery

0:16:130:16:17

# No lawyer to depend

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# Or witnesses to defend me

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# Your honour

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# I killed no-one

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# You expect me to confess

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# That I'd bump off good queen Beth

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# Treason

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# I call Walsingham

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# Lord Altrincham

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# Cos these letters are fakes

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# Phoney, you're going down

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# I can prove they're real

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# And I was queen of Scotland once, you clown

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# Please do not carry on

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# You are guilty, now admit it

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# Mary's refusing to admit her guilt

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# What a shock, what a shame

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# A complete and utter scandal

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# Babington says Queen Beth, you never done in

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# To the scaffold

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# To the scaffold

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# To the scaffold

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# To the scaffold

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# To the scaffold she must go

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# I'm queen, you're vile

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# I demand a fair trial

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# Goodness gracious, is that the time already

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# Don't spare the horses Time to go home

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# If she's guilty then I must sentence her to die

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# But that would make me a killer queen, so I

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# Scary

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# Don't want to do this, Mary

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# Not gonna get out of signing her death warranty

0:18:070:18:11

# Her death really matters

0:18:250:18:28

# She made me enemies... #

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AXE FALLS

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# Her death really matters to me

0:18:340:18:39

# That's not how my wig goes. #

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Well, at least Mary's wig didn't go to waste. I know, I'm fabulous!

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But being drop-dead gorgeous isn't enough to be a true superstar.

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You need a really famous boyfriend or girlfriend too.

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It's all about being in love

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and getting paparazzi to take pictures of you kissing in the park

0:19:060:19:10

and holding hands. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

0:19:100:19:13

Although it did work for Egyptian queen Cleopatra

0:19:130:19:17

over 2,000 years ago.

0:19:170:19:19

First, she married the great Roman leader Julius Caesar.

0:19:190:19:24

But he was assassinated by his rivals,

0:19:240:19:27

so then she moved on to another Roman general, Mark Antony.

0:19:270:19:31

But that quickly got out of hand too.

0:19:330:19:36

Hello, Queen Cleo here.

0:19:360:19:39

I'm still sad about Julius Caesar's death.

0:19:390:19:42

Imagine being stabbed 23 times by your supposed friends.

0:19:420:19:47

Luckily, I had Mark Antony's shoulder to cry on.

0:19:470:19:51

It's a very muscular shoulder.

0:19:510:19:53

He made sure the funeral was very memorable.

0:19:530:19:56

But what did it include?

0:19:570:19:58

And the answer is A.

0:20:140:20:16

While Mark Antony gave a speech, a wax model of Caesar's body was

0:20:160:20:20

rotated so the huge crowd could see all of his wounds.

0:20:200:20:24

Grim.

0:20:240:20:25

Then they grabbed Caesar's body, paraded it around and burned it.

0:20:250:20:29

It was very strange.

0:20:290:20:31

Not the funeral, that was fine,

0:20:310:20:33

but the fact I wasn't the centre of attention for once.

0:20:330:20:37

After the death of Caesar, Cleopatra married Mark Antony,

0:20:370:20:41

but Caesar's nephew Octavian wasn't happy about this,

0:20:410:20:44

and the new lovers were defeated by him in battle. Aha!

0:20:440:20:49

They say the path of true love never runs smooth,

0:20:490:20:51

but for Mark and Cleo, it ended with a roadblock.

0:20:510:20:54

# Defeated by Octavian

0:20:590:21:01

# That weed we don't respect

0:21:010:21:03

# Affection killed in Actium

0:21:030:21:05

# As my poor Ant has been decked

0:21:050:21:08

# Yeah, I was wrecked

0:21:080:21:11

# Now it's T-H-E E-N-D

0:21:110:21:14

# I'm sure that spells the end for me

0:21:140:21:16

# Octavian will display me in a cage The world will gloat

0:21:160:21:20

# I can't go on

0:21:200:21:22

# Will be paraded round the street

0:21:220:21:25

# Octavian

0:21:250:21:27

# Not your exotic parakeet

0:21:270:21:29

# Not your spoils from victory

0:21:290:21:31

# I'll spoil your party

0:21:310:21:34

# I can't go on

0:21:340:21:39

# I'm miserable, I'm so depressed

0:21:470:21:49

# How did it come to this?

0:21:490:21:52

# Octavian don't like me

0:21:520:21:53

# Cos I dumped his plain, old sis

0:21:530:21:57

# For Queen...

0:21:570:22:00

# I'm trying to sustain our rule

0:22:000:22:03

# Don't hold me up to ridicule

0:22:030:22:05

# Snap out of this, you moping fool

0:22:050:22:07

# You're not helping at all

0:22:070:22:09

# I can't go on

0:22:090:22:11

# Without my sweet Roman romance

0:22:110:22:13

# My love has gone

0:22:130:22:15

# Living alone not in my plans

0:22:150:22:18

# Octavian, my boss?

0:22:180:22:20

# I'd sooner eat my head

0:22:200:22:22

# I can't go on

0:22:220:22:27

# I must try and capture Cleo

0:22:270:22:29

# Octavian must not take me-o

0:22:290:22:31

# She'll kill herself just for me?

0:22:310:22:34

# She must adore me

0:22:340:22:36

# I'll foil Octavian with this plot

0:22:360:22:38

# She's dead

0:22:380:22:40

# Not yet, I'm not

0:22:420:22:44

# She must not die

0:22:440:22:46

# So much more popular than me

0:22:460:22:48

# And so I die

0:22:480:22:51

# This will look bad on my CV

0:22:510:22:53

# Antony and Cleo gone

0:22:530:22:55

# What a blooming pair of drama queens!

0:22:550:23:01

# So all hail me. #

0:23:010:23:07

APPLAUSE

0:23:080:23:10

Thank you. Thank you.

0:23:100:23:11

Thank you. Yes, what an honour it is to receive this award.

0:23:110:23:16

I'd like to dedicate it to Cleopatra for being my superstar inspiration.

0:23:160:23:23

She really was drop-dead gorgeous, right until she was,

0:23:230:23:26

well, just drop-dead.

0:23:260:23:28

Oi, mate, that's my award!

0:23:280:23:30

All right, all right.

0:23:310:23:33

I was only borrowing it.

0:23:330:23:35

OK, maybe I'm not such a superstar after all.

0:23:350:23:39

Turns out everyone thought my album, Sewer Town Funk,

0:23:390:23:42

was a bit of a stinker.

0:23:420:23:44

Charming!

0:23:440:23:46

Not like this next historical hit, Magna Carta -

0:23:460:23:50

an agreement between King John and his barons, signed in 1215,

0:23:500:23:55

that meant no-one was above the law, not even crooked King John himself.

0:23:550:24:00

And they're still talking about this one 800 years later.

0:24:000:24:04

# Here's the story

0:24:070:24:09

# Of a very old decree

0:24:090:24:12

# Forced on King John as he made off with the revenue

0:24:120:24:15

BOTH: # Of us barons

0:24:150:24:17

# And the aristocracy

0:24:170:24:19

# He took our land and for a laugh

0:24:190:24:21

# Held our sons hostage too

0:24:210:24:22

# Magna Carta... #

0:24:220:24:23

Magna Carta?

0:24:230:24:24

# Told King John he's gotta be

0:24:240:24:26

# He's gotta be subject to law

0:24:260:24:28

# Agree tax with us too

0:24:280:24:29

-# Gave his seal... #

-Gave my seal?!

0:24:290:24:31

# Then withdrew his guarantee

0:24:310:24:33

# Left to Henry III and Edward I to pass it through

0:24:330:24:36

# And I would say 800 years

0:24:360:24:40

# A birthday worth 800 cheers

0:24:400:24:44

# Since 1215, Magna Carta's been

0:24:440:24:47

# The foundation of our democracy

0:24:470:24:51

-BOTH:

-# By 1500, it reads that all men are free

0:24:510:24:54

# Even peasants just like me tell kings that it's true

0:24:540:24:58

# For years, it vanished

0:24:580:25:00

-# Until Edward Cook MP... #

-That's me!

0:25:000:25:02

# Challenged Charles I as his own powers grew

0:25:020:25:05

-# You'd think that Cromwell

-Jolly Olly

0:25:050:25:07

# Would agree, but instead he said... #

0:25:070:25:09

Magna Carta? Magna Farta more like. Not for me.

0:25:090:25:12

# I'm Thomas Jefferson

0:25:120:25:14

# And Edward Cook is the bee's knees

0:25:140:25:16

# Our American Constitution incorporated his decrees

0:25:160:25:20

# And I believe 800 years

0:25:200:25:23

# Has proved from ancient pioneers

0:25:230:25:27

# That British invention of all

0:25:270:25:31

# Apart, of course, from soccer ball

0:25:310:25:34

# Magna Carta

0:25:340:25:35

-# Super charter

-Magna Carta

0:25:350:25:37

# It's a part a'

0:25:370:25:38

-ALL:

-# What you're taught at school

0:25:380:25:41

-# Magna Carta

-Just for starters

0:25:410:25:43

-# Magna Carta

-Nothing smarter

0:25:430:25:46

# Kings, watch how you rule

0:25:460:25:49

# Eleanor Roosevelt extended

0:25:490:25:53

# This letter to America

0:25:530:25:56

# Here's the story of a very old decree

0:25:560:26:00

# And now enshrined in UN Human Rights since World War II

0:26:000:26:04

# It began as help for the aristocracy

0:26:040:26:08

# Now it's for you and me and everyone in the world too

0:26:080:26:11

ALL: # And I would hope 800 years

0:26:110:26:14

# Of freedom never disappears

0:26:140:26:18

# All hail this simple ancient law

0:26:180:26:22

# May it survive 800 more

0:26:220:26:25

# Magna Carta

0:26:250:26:26

# Super charter

0:26:260:26:28

# Magna Carta

0:26:280:26:29

# It's a part a'

0:26:290:26:30

# What you're taught at school

0:26:300:26:32

# Magna Carta

0:26:320:26:34

# Just for starters

0:26:340:26:35

# Magna Carta

0:26:350:26:36

# Nothing smarter

0:26:360:26:37

# Magna Carta rules! #

0:26:370:26:41

Oh, there you are.

0:26:440:26:46

So my dreams of superstardom have been dashed.

0:26:460:26:51

And there were some really awesome tunes on my album too.

0:26:510:26:55

All About The Waste. No Place I'd Rather Wee.

0:26:550:27:00

And, my personal favourite, Shake It Off...

0:27:000:27:03

that poo on your foot.

0:27:030:27:06

Come on, only 5p a copy. Madam, 2p. Sir, 1p.

0:27:060:27:11

Anyone?

0:27:110:27:13

Oh, suit yourselves.

0:27:130:27:15

But maybe if being a singing superstar isn't my thing,

0:27:150:27:19

what if I tried rapping?

0:27:190:27:21

Eh, eh?

0:27:230:27:24

If I may...

0:27:240:27:25

-HE RAPS:

-# The battles were all bloody

0:27:270:27:29

# The shocking deaths not pretty

0:27:290:27:30

# But everything seems sweeter when it's told in a ditty

0:27:300:27:33

# We hope you liked this show

0:27:330:27:35

# My favourite, if you please

0:27:350:27:36

# The all-singing, dancing Horrible Musical Histories. #

0:27:360:27:41

No? Still not convinced?

0:27:410:27:44

Oh, I give up.

0:27:440:27:46

Goodbye.

0:27:460:27:48

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it.

0:27:490:27:51

That's a wrap on series six of Horrible Histories!

0:27:510:27:54

CHEERING

0:27:540:27:56

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:28:000:28:02

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

0:28:020:28:08

A special episode of the historical sketch show, featuring all your favourite songs from the series! Sing along with King Alfred about his burnt cakes, or with Henry VIII about his love of reformation - or get down Norman-style with William the Conqueror. With, of course, our host Rattus to guide the way!


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