Wicked William the Conqueror Special Horrible Histories


Wicked William the Conqueror Special

Historical sketch show. Young William, Duke of Normandy, quarrels with Harold Godwinson about who should be king of England, before bashing the English and taking the crown.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

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# Fighting Frenchmen Vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights

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# Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description

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# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Civil wars, brainy sages

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# Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that

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# And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

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Horrible Histories presents... Wicked William the Conqueror.

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You were standing too close. Looks weird.

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Previously on...The Normans.

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Normans? You look more like a Viking.

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Well, we used to be Vikings!

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Oh, yes, the word Norman comes from "Norse man".

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Well, at least you're not violent and horrible like a Viking.

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Me and my big mouth.

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Who will succeed Saxon king, Edward the Confessor?

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SNEEZES

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His Saxon brother-in-law, Harold?

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So, had any children yet, Your Majesty?

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I'm far too religious for that.

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Or his French cousin, the Norman Duke, William?

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Edward the Confessor, he has promised me the English throne.

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And just to clarify, then, when you die, I'm going to be king, aren't I?

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Mm.

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Hang on - you said I could be king when you die.

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-Mm.

-Well, great.

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-What?

-Eh?

-Hmm?

-Huh!

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HE GROANS

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HE GROWLS

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So that's that sorted, then.

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The Normans - catch it now.

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So, the Saxon Harold and the Norman William

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both believed they would one day be King of England.

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Well, that's going to be awkward.

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And even though they were bitter rivals,

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they still hung out together

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like proper bezzie mates. Well, sort of.

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-Cheers.

-There you go, mate.

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So, thank you for helping me out fighting the Duke of Brittany, mate.

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Oh, right, yeah, well, you know, whenever you need support, mate.

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I know, mate, you'll be there, mate.

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I'll be there, mate!

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Don't hit me, mate.

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Sorry, I... I just thought cos you...

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I'm messing, mate!

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Oh, ho-ho, yeah, of course, mates for life.

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Fantastic, mate, because I am going to claim the English throne

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when Edward the Confessor dies, so you support me

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and we're all good! King and mates for life, eh, mate?

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Ow.

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Um...yeah, great, yep.

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Grr.

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Sorry, mate, it's all good, all good.

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So in that case you won't mind swearing on these religious relics?

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-Ah, mate... Not sure...

-Come on, mate.

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Swear, mate.

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I swear to support you as my best mate.

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And...? Say it, mate.

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And as my king.

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I'm messing with you, mate!

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Although that is legally binding.

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-But we are best mates forever, yes, mate!

-Ow! Yes.

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Best mates...for now.

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I mean, forever.

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Harold decided to return home to England,

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where soon after, King Edward the Confessor died.

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And back in France, it wasn't long before news reached William

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that things hadn't quite gone according to his plan.

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Let's find out

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what's new in the world.

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Mon Dieu, what is this...?

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Edward ze Confessor is dead?

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Oh, brilliant! Zis means that I, William, Duke of Normandy,

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am now King of England, ho-ho!

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Oh, wait a minute.... zis is King Harold?

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Zer must be some kind of mistake. No.

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PHONE RINGS

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-(Ask them if they do it in gold.)

-Harold.

-Hello, mate!

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What is this? Edward the Confessor is dead and you are king?

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I confess, it's true!

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Do you get it, Confessor, confess?

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Sorry, I've been wanting to do that one all morning.

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Yeah, the nobles elected me king, so what can you do?

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It's on ChainmailOnline, so it must be true.

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Yes, but, er...

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Eddie promised me that I could be king of England.

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Sorry, mate, wish I could talk longer

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but I booked out Westminster Abbey on LastMinuteCoronations.com

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Wish me luck.

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Incroyable.

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Zis means war.

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PHONE RINGS

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William, to what do I owe the pleasure?

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Ah, your holiness, please forgive me disturbing you,

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but it is super-important that you back my new project on KingStarter.

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Who are you attacking this time?

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Oh, I must invade England immediately,

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and defeat Harold Godwinson.

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OK, I'll do it right now, via PapalPal.

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Merci, your holiness, thank you.

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Yes, yes!

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OK, we sail at dawn.

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Call the police, there's a badger up my nanas!

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So check it.

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A lot of time, history is written down by the people

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who have killed all the other people who might have written it down.

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So it's no surprise that they tend to come out looking pretty good.

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Let me tell you, yeah? No fool is perfect!

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William the Conqueror-or.

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He's just arrived in England ready to kick some Saxon butt.

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He wants to make a fierce first impression, yeah?

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Shame he fell over like a massive clumsy fool!

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William the Clown, more like!

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Hey!

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See how easily I grab Harold's lands?

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Pull the other one, Willie! You didn't mean to do that!

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Ha-ha!

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Idiot!

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Mind this thing here.

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Hardly anyone remembers that little stumble...

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but I do!

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Crazy fools think they can hide in history,

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but they better wake up and apologise!

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I never forget - I'm like an "ephelant".

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Until next time, stay away from stupid, yo!

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Yeah, just a bath. With some oils and some salt.

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If you please.

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Hello, I'm Jeff Reason, and welcome to Battles of the Day,

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live from 1066 with one of the most famous fights in British history.

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It's big, it's brutal,

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it's bloody, and boy, are we looking forward to it.

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It's the Saxons versus the Normans at the Battle of Hastings.

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Combining tactical analysis with a mix of murder and mayhem,

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it's Jamie Castle.

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So Jamie, 1066. If William defeats Harold today, we'll have a new king.

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That's three in one year - how on earth will they sort all this out?

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-They'll kill each other, Jeff.

-Exhausting stuff,

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and there's no let-up because Harold is about to face his biggest test -

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this man, William, Duke of Normandy.

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Well, at the day, Brian, I'm just trying to get

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what has been promised to me. I'm trying to be reasonable.

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You've been looting, burning and killing

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everything in sight for three days.

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OK, well, that's not VERY reasonable,

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but look, the Pope has given me his seal of approval,

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so I'm just fighting for what is legally mine.

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But with the two armies so evenly matched, the chances

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of either side getting massacred are getting slimmer and slimmer.

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-What's the answer, Jamie?

-Retreat, Jeff.

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Sounds mad, I know, but look at this.

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The Normans pretend to run away and the trick draws the Saxons

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off the higher ground, completely breaking up their defence,

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leaving them open to counterattack from William.

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-Who's been killed?

-Oh, my word!

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We can confirm that Duke William of Normandy is dead!

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-Oh!

-Chris Staycalmer.

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He's not dead, Jeff, but someone said he was,

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and the Normans are retreating for real now.

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It's madness - where are they going to run to, Jeff? France?!

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< Stop! Wait!

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Look! I am alive. And with God's help, I will conquer.

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Come back! Come back!

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He'll need more than God's help if they don't come back, Jamie.

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But the Normans have turned back, Jeff.

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William must've talked them round.

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And with the Saxons spread out all over the place,

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the Norman cavalry can really get amongst them now

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and cut them down with ease.

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It's turned into a massacre after all, Jeff.

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Especially for Harold Godwinson, who was surrounded by Norman knights

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and hacked to pieces, and definitely not shot in the eye with an arrow.

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-It's an away win for the Normans, Jeff.

-Wise words.

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-Chop chop chop chop, hack hack hack.

-HE LAUGHS

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So it was victory for William at the famous Battle of Hastings,

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earning him the name he's best known by, William the Conqueror.

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Time to work it Norman style.

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DANCE MUSIC

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# We Normans are from France It's not where we originated

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# Our accents are weird

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# But we're not sophisticated... # HE BURPS

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# Tough and terrifying We've descended from ze Vikings

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# So is it any wonder We've a natural flair for fighting?

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# Normans over here

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# And you English can't abide us

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# Normans over here

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# Oh, that's cute, you tried to fight us

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# Normans over here

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# We set the north on fire

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# Normans over here

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# The Saxon life, au revoir

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# We build castles, we love horses Our cavalry all armies fear

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# We're great fighters You can hire us

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# But you won't like us And we don't care

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# We've got bad haircuts Off the chainmail that we wear... #

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Zis is Norman style.

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# Chop, chop, chop-chop

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# Riding Norman style

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# Chop, chop, chop-chop

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# Haircut Norman style

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# Chop, chop, chop-chop

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# Hands off Norman style

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# Chop, chop, chop

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# Zis is Norman style

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# I'm William the Conqueror The greatest Norman ever

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# Got delayed invading England Cos of ze bad weather

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# Then chopped up your King Harold And left his mummy crying

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# What do you expect, man? I'm practically a Viking

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# England's rightful heir!

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# So signed Edward ze Confessor

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# England's rightful heir!

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# Forget Harold the usurper

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# England's rightful heir!

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# Zis Norman's gonna rule ya

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# England's rightful heir!

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# Surrender or I'll kill ya

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# We build castles, we love horses Our cavalry, all armies fear

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# We're great fighters You can hire us

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# But you won't like us And we don't care

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# We've got bad haircuts Off the chainmail that we wear... #

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Zis is Norman style.

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# Hey, Saxon ladies

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# Chop, chop, chop-chop

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# Haircuts Norman style

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# Hey, Saxon prisoners

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# Chop, chop, chop-chop

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# Hands off Norman style

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# Hey, check our horses

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# Chop, chop, chop-chop

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# Riding Norman style!

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# Hey, we rule England

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# Chop, chop, chop

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# Norman style. #

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So William had conquered the Saxons by chopping them to bits.

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How very primitive.

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But over the other side of the world,

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they were so advanced, they had ideas and inventions

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that would blow your mind, starting in China.

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Let's blow some stuff up!

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This book contains all the important military inventions

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the Chinese knew about nearly 1,000 years ago. Break it down, Shang.

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-Well, it's got flame-throwers.

-Whoosh!

-Firebombs.

-Boom!

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-Poison bombs!

-Boom! Bleugh!

-Napalm.

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Don't really know what that is.

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-Gunpowder.

-Bang!

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And it shows how to make an early compass.

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Boring! Let's set them all off at the same time.

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Awesome! What else is in there?

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There's catapults that hurl bombs, fire ships, arrows that explode...

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Whoo-hoo! Let's blow some more stuff up!

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Yeah! Oh, I feel so alive!

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You demonstrate reckless abuse of ancient wisdom.

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All right, Grandad, we're wearing goggles.

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Welcome to Amazing Scientists.

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You know, nobody's perfect, so it's no wonder that

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some of our greatest scientists can be a bit odd at times.

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It's only natural. I'm a scientist, and I've got an imaginary friend.

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I haven't, really. I'm joking.

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We fell out. He stole my imaginary shoes.

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Stop following me!

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Today, I'm meeting Ibn al-Haytham, who's got no weirdness about him

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at all. Ibn al-Haytham was seen as the world's first true scientist.

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Hello.

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Go on, show 'em how brainy you are.

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Oh, er, I discovered the laws of refraction, and I use them

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to work out the height of the atmosphere.

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This was before the Battle of Hastings. Amazing!

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And, er, I also improved the pinhole camera.

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Pinhole camera over 1,000 years ago. Amazing!

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At last, a scientist with no weirdness whatsoever.

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I'm a lemon!

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-Hey?

-I'm a hairy lemon!

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-What are you doing?

-Squeezy lemon head!

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It's the Caliph, al-Hakim.

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Hello, Caliph!

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I'm a squeezy moon hippo!

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I have to pretend to be mad. I promised the Caliph I'd stop

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the Nile from flooding, but that was before I'd seen it.

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It's massive! I've got no chance!

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Anyway, so now I have to pretend to be mad so he won't kill me.

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Banana buttons!

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Amazing scientist, honestly.

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Blah blah blah blah blah!

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So, after I destroyed the miserable English at the Battle

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of Hastings, what did me and my army do? Hm?

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And ze answer is...

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C. Yes, we had a picnic, of course. We had a lovely carve-up.

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And then we had the picnic.

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Fooled you!

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Actually I think, yes, I think I still have some food

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stuck in my teeth, er, so just...

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Oh, yes, just the job.

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Wicked William soon got busy bringing the country under

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Norman control, burning stuff down and building loads of castles,

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and to mark his great victory at the Battle of Hastings, work

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began on one of the most famous bits of sewing ever, the Bayeux Tapestry.

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Today on Let's Talk About Art, I'm here in the Norman era with

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the nuns who are making the Bayeux Tapestry.

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Sister, tell us, what is the Bayeux Tapestry?

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It's a massive picture of the events

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leading up to, during and after the Battle of Hastings.

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Oi! Agnes, use the big needle! Yeah, the big needle!

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And I believe it's going to be 70 metres long.

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Yeah, yeah, give or take.

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Oi, Joan, call that a helmet? Sort your threads out, love.

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And who commissioned it?

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I don't know, mate, we just do as we're told.

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Although William the Conqueror's brother Odo is shown

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as one of the leaders of the battle

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and he weren't even there, so I'm guessing he might be paying for it.

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Oi-oi! Monks going past!

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-Oi, give us a wave!

-SHE WOLF-WHISTLES

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So, how is the...

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So, how is a tapestry made?

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Tapestry? This is an embroidery, mate.

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So why's it called a tapestry?

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Not my department. That'll be the clever helmets upstairs.

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And when will you be stitching the arrow that killed Harold?

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-You what, mate?

-The arrow. When he was shot in the eye.

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Don't know what you're on about.

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Harold was hacked to death fighting on the front line.

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Arrow in the eye? You've been reading too many books, sunshine.

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Interesting. And I can't help noticing that you are English nuns

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who are working on the tapest... the embroidery for the Normans.

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Well, a job's a job, innit?

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And besides, the way we've drawn it, the English actually come out quite

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well. We've added a few bits here and there. They'll never notice.

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Don't...don't tell the bosses.

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-BELL TOLLS

-Monks!

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Oi-oi!

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He's waving at me!

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Oh, no, he was just scratching his bald spot.

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Well, there you have it. What a privilege it is to see

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one of the greatest artworks in history actually being constructed.

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What a magical experience.

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Oi! Abbot! Give us a wave!

0:18:240:18:27

Please stop doing that.

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-Welcome to...

-Welcome to The Great Saxon Bake Off,

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where our Saxon peasant has made some bread.

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How do you know she's a peasant?

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Everyone's a peasant to me, Paul.

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Now, grubby woman, what do you have here?

0:18:450:18:48

-Well, the thing is, Mary, it's July.

-I know, it's glorious, isn't it?

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My hollyhocks are thriving.

0:18:530:18:55

Well, the grain ain't ready for harvesting yet,

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and our stores have run out.

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At this time of year, us Saxons have to make do with what we can find.

0:18:590:19:03

It wasn't easy, but I've managed to make...

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this rye bread!

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It looks mouldy.

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The mould's the best bit! I saved that for you special.

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-And is it safe?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

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Unless it's got ergot in it. In that case, it'll kill you.

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And, erm, the mould will send you mad.

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But apart from that, it's totes safe. Yeah.

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Oh, I have also got this.

0:19:270:19:31

Now, this looks more pleasant. Mm!

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HE GIBBERS That'll be the mould.

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-Now, what is it?

-Oh, it's sort of a rustic seed loaf.

-How charming.

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-Is it safe?

-Hundred per cent, yeah.

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Although it has got hemp, poppies

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and darnel seeds from the hedges mixed in with a small amount of

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flour we had left, so on reflection, no, it'll send you mad as a jackdaw.

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Well, it tastes fine to me.

0:19:560:19:59

MARY WIBBLES

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Ah, there you go!

0:20:000:20:02

So, am I Star Baker, then?

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I am an avocado.

0:20:070:20:09

I'll take that as a yes.

0:20:090:20:11

After I conquered the English, I nicked all their lands

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and shared it with my barons.

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Of course, to make sure there were no English rebellions,

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my barons started building the castles,

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but guess how many were built during my reign.

0:20:210:20:24

Yes, the answer is C. We built a motte-and-bailey castle

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almost every two weeks until there were 500 of them.

0:20:380:20:41

William the Conqueror? More like William the Carpenter!

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I'm kidding, of course.

0:20:450:20:46

Ze only manual labour I do is ravaging my enemies.

0:20:460:20:49

William was a strong

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and determined king, dedicating his rule to turning Saxon England

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into Norman England so he could pass the crown down to his son.

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Turns out invading was the easy bit.

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He had lots of angry Saxons to keep under control.

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You'd think on his death bed,

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surrounded by loyal subjects, he'd at least get some peace.

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Nah, not a chance.

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And as a last act, release all those currently in prison.

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A generous gesture, Your Majesty.

0:21:250:21:27

That will be my last great act as...

0:21:270:21:30

HE GROANS

0:21:300:21:31

..William the Conqueror.

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Ze king is dead.

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Right, fill your boots.

0:21:480:21:51

BANGING

0:21:510:21:53

What was all that commotion?

0:21:590:22:01

It was merely the wind, sire.

0:22:030:22:06

What was all that about?

0:22:070:22:09

When he dies, there will be a massive power struggle.

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We need to get home and protect our property.

0:22:120:22:14

But you are nicking stuff!

0:22:140:22:16

We need money, and he won't need it where he's going.

0:22:160:22:19

Show some respect.

0:22:190:22:21

I'm having the silver.

0:22:260:22:28

Yes, William the Conqueror finally snuffed it in 1087, aged 59,

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and passed the crown of England on to his son William II.

0:23:030:23:08

William the Conqueror had established a new ruling

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dynasty that would change England forever, despite having

0:23:110:23:15

one of the worst haircuts in history. Normazing stuff!

0:23:150:23:20

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death My grisly interviews

0:23:230:23:27

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death They're dead and famous too! #

0:23:270:23:32

..So I said, "I'm sick of flogging a dead horse, literally"!

0:23:320:23:37

Because I was.

0:23:370:23:39

I've got a hatchback now. Much better.

0:23:410:23:43

Hm?

0:23:430:23:44

Oh! Welcome back.

0:23:440:23:46

Time for my next guest,

0:23:460:23:48

the first Norman King of England, William the Conqueror!

0:23:480:23:52

SILENCE

0:23:540:23:56

Awkward. There must be a lot of Saxons in.

0:23:560:23:59

So, William the Conqueror, thanks for coming on the show.

0:23:590:24:03

Now, I want to keep things jolly,

0:24:030:24:06

so let's talk about your funeral!

0:24:060:24:08

-That was a laugh, wasn't it?

-What do you mean?

0:24:100:24:13

Well, you know, I heard it went with a bang!

0:24:130:24:17

I don't know what you're talking about.

0:24:170:24:19

The thing is, your body was so fat and bloated

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and your sarcophagus was so small that

0:24:220:24:24

when they tried to force you into it, your belly exploded!

0:24:240:24:27

Boom!

0:24:270:24:29

Yeah, it's not that funny when you say it out loud, is it?

0:24:320:24:35

I exploded at my own funeral?

0:24:350:24:36

All right, mate, no sense crying over spilt guts.

0:24:360:24:39

And he's back!

0:24:390:24:41

Never gets old.

0:24:430:24:45

Listen, any of you lot planning on a summer holiday?

0:24:450:24:47

Because you're all looking a bit pale.

0:24:470:24:50

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death Hope next time it's not you! #

0:24:500:24:54

Hoo-hoo!

0:24:540:24:55

-# Tall tales

-# Atrocious acts

0:24:560:24:58

# We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:24:580:24:59

-# The ugly truth

-# No glam or glitz

0:24:590:25:01

# We chose you all the juicy bits

0:25:010:25:02

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

0:25:020:25:05

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

0:25:050:25:07

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:25:070:25:10

# Hope you enjoyed...

0:25:100:25:12

# Horrible Histories! #

0:25:120:25:15

A special episode about William the Conqueror, starring Kevin Eldon. We meet young William, Duke of Normandy, as he quarrels with Harold Godwinson about who should be king of England, before bashing the English and taking the crown at the famous Battle of Hastings in 1066! Meanwhile, across the world, we discover Chinese technology light years ahead of the dunderheaded Normans and Saxons in England, and meet one of the world's first scientists in Egypt. With, of course, our host Rattus to guide the way!


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