Mardy Mary Queen of Scots Special Horrible Histories


Mardy Mary Queen of Scots Special

Historical sketch show. This episode follows Mary, Queen of Scots, as she stumbles from being a young girl in Scotland to Elizabeth I's public enemy number one.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description, cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians,

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes, punishments from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Civil wars, brainy sages, mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories we do that

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# And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to HOR-RIBLE HIST-OR-IES. #

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FANFARE

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Horrible Histories presents...

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Previously on 'Mary Queen of Scots'...

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..to King James V of Scotland.

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Great news, Your Majesty. Your wife's had a baby girl.

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Your Majesty?

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Your Majesty! Your Majesty!

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No, he's dead!

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I crown you...

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Mary, Queen of Scots.

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FANFARE

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An infant Queen forced to flee Scotland,

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as her mother receives shock news.

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Henry Ze Eighth wants Mary to marry his son, Prince Edward?

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Over my dead body!

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Mary, you are going to France.

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Pick four friends to take with you.

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Hmm, Mary, Mary, Mary and Mary.

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That'll be fun at Passport Control!

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A Scottish Queen

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sent to live in France.

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Get, get. Welcome to France.

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Now, first things first, let us get you a boyfriend.

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Forced to marry at 17, but destined for the French throne.

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You may now kiss the bride.

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APPLAUSE

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Er, my father is dead!

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Oh.

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Now, I am King and you are Queen of France.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Get in! Yes!

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Eh?

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-We shall rule France and Scotland together

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for decades to come.

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I don't know. I don't feel so well.

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HE SNIFFS

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Mary, Queen of Scots and France...

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HE SNEEZES

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FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, Mary.

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-ALL:

-Yes, m'lady?

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Oh, not you, Mary, Mary or Mary. YOU, Mary!

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Yes, m'lady.

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I was just thinking how happy I am here in France,

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compared to dreary old Scotland.

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The weather is better, the fashion is better,

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the food is so much better.

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Mm, yes, m'lady. Scotland is rubbish.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-You shut your gegy!

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That's my bonnie wee Scotland you're running doon there!

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FRENCH ACCENT: But, you're right.

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Ze day we arrived in France from Scotland

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was ze 'appiest day of my life.

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Now, Mary...

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-ALL:

-Yes, m'lady?

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You, Mary, fetch me my little doggie.

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Yes, m'lady.

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-ALL:

-Aah!

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Oh, look what I 'ave stitched.

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I have made a new coat for my little doggie.

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I am so 'appy!

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But, m'lady, isn't King Francis still unwell, huh?

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I hear he is bravely fighting for his life.

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Ah, no, he's just being a sickly little softie, as per usual.

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He only has an earache. You cannot die of an earache.

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DOOR OPENS

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-SOBS:

-King Francis has died of earache!

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THEY GASP

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-Huh, apparently you can.

-Oh, my darling son!

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Hold on a minute, if Francis is no longer King,

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does that mean zat I am in charge?

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No, I am,

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and you, Mary, are going straight back to Scotland.

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Hmm, um, which, erm, Mary is that?

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-M'lady?

-ALL OF YOU!

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THEY GASP

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SCOTTISH ACCENT: Jings! That's a pure wee downer, that!

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So, widowed Mary was sent packing across the Channel

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back to Scotland.

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Mary was known for her love of clothes and fashion,

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but it wasn't just Tudor women who dressed in extravagant ways.

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Hey.

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How you doing?

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Erm, I'm all right.

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Actually a bit 'ruff'.

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Oh, ho!

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-New ruff?

-11-incher.

-Really?

-Well, rough guess.

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-IMITATES REVERSING LORRY:

-EEER! EEER! EEER!

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Hey!

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Guess who's here.

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Oh, sorry I'm late.

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Nice ruff.

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Oh, thank you, yeah. Rough time putting it on.

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Yeah, all those pins and bleaching.

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Yeah, like, really rough on your hands.

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I would not want to be out there right now.

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Rough weather can be so rough on the ruff.

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Ooh, true dat.

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Ooh!

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HE SPLUTTERS

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Man, you look well...

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-What's the word?

-Rough?

-Yeah.

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HE WHIMPERS

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Ooh, I smell soup!

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-There's a problem with these spoons, waitress.

-Oh, waitress!

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-She's gone.

-That is no way to run a business.

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Ooh! Hey, hi! The old human spoon trick, huh?

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Thank you.

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Although, they do look a bit ridiculous, though.

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Yeah, well, you've got to take the rough with the smooth, haven't you?

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Spoooo-ooon!

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Boys, soup for one and soup for all.

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Hey, let's eat!

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You, you soup-spoon me, I'll soup-spoon you.

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You do him. I do you.

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-I do me?

-You do him. I do you.

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16th century fashion might have been strange,

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but 16th century food could be pretty weird too.

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-I'm Mar..

-I'm Paul Hollybush.

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Er, and I'm Mary, Queen of Scones.

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Let's see what our bakers can impress us with this week.

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For our signature bake challenge, we're going to ask them to both make

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-a simple loaf of...

-It's Tudor bread...

-..Tudor bread from

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-the reign of Mary Queen of Scots.

-..Queen of Scots.

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-So, Gilbert...

-So, Gilbert, what have you gone for?

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A brown loaf, Mary,

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which in Tudor times would have been the cheaper sort of bread

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-eaten by poor people in the taverns and so forth.

-Oh, poor people.

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Yeah, the white bread would have only been for the wealthy

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-and posh types and so forth.

-Percy, what...

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And Percy, what do you have planned for us?

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Er, biscuit bread Mary with aniseed and coriander.

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-Oh.

-Do you not like biscuit bread?

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Oh, no, I'm still thinking about the poor people.

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That does sound lovely.

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-Get baking!

-Get baking!

-I just said that.

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Let's see how the biscuit bread is coming along.

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Percy, you don't seem happy with your bake?

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Oh, no, it's fine. It's just that this traditional Tudor recipe

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means that I have to pummel it with a length of wood for two hours

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before it's even remotely ready to bake.

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-This biscuit bread's going to take some beating.

-Very good, Mary.

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HE SLAMS

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Ha! Ha!

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HE SLAMS

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Ha!

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-Where is it?

-Er, it's not here. Yeah, most Tudors didn't have ovens

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so they'd send their dough off to bakers instead.

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Oh, here it comes now.

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-Ah, it's a really soggy bottom.

-Sorry, I sat on a wet bench.

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No!

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FRENCH ACCENT: Cuckoo! How's it going?

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I am Mary. I am 18.

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I am a Queen and I am single, again.

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If you are interested and you are a prince or a powerful noble

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who can help me hold on to my throne, then drop me a line.

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But don't wait around though, because I won't be single long!

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SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm pure fit, me! Mmm!

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Mary's return to Scotland didn't please everyone,

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especially not Queen Elizabeth I.

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You see, Mary was Elizabeth's cousin

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with her own strong claim to rule England.

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Feisty Elizabeth felt threatened.

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There was only space for one royal bum on that throne.

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Let the rivalry begin!

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Tudor Togs presents Princess Dress-Up.

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Every little girl wants to be a Queen and now,

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Tudor Togs have two fabulous outfits for her to choose from.

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How about Queen Elizabeth I of England?

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The Protestant Queen of England with no European allies, no husband

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and no children to slow her down.

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Failure to get married carried out at monarch's own risk.

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Prospects for the Tudor Dynasty may go up or down.

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I can hear you, you know!

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Or how about Mary Queen of Scots?

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Tall, beautiful, young, fashionable. Adored around Europe.

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All right! We get the idea!

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Through her father James V of Scotland and her grandmother,

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Margaret Tudor, she has Tudor AND Stuart claim to the English throne.

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Le double whammy!

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With strong ties to Europe because she's Catholic and a bit French.

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-I'll take both.

-You can't have both!

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These outfits must be sold separately

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as the two monarchs are never seen in the same room.

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Tudor Togs, because every little girl deserves to be a Queen.

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No liabilities accepted for death

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and treason plots incurred whilst wearing our outfits.

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Dressing up as royalty is a punishable offence.

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Argh!

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Tudor Togs, get them before they get you!

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So, while the Queen v Queen rivalry was really heating up,

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ambitious Mary met and married her second husband,

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the Scottish noble, Lord Darnley.

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Oh, he's dreamy.

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But Darnley was so annoying and upset so many people,

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the other Scottish nobles had him killed.

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Not so dreamy.

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FRENCH ACCENT: Hello, hi. How is it going?

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I am Mary. I am 25 and I am single...again,

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and looking for my, erm, Francis, Darnley...THIRD husband.

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I'd like to say my second husband died of natural causes...

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SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..but his hoose was blown to bits and he was strangled!

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FRENCH ACCENT: Doesn't come much more unnatural zan zat.

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You must 'ave your own army.

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I still have my own country,

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but it looks like I might have to fight for it.

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Would be great if you are a prince,

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but really, I just need someone who can...

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SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..smash my enemies into tiny wee bits!

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If Mary asks for me, I'm not available.

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While Mary was searching for another husband, life in the 1500s

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was developing in lots of different ways, from science to the cess-pit.

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Hold your noses!

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Oh, sorry.

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No, no, no, please, take a seat.

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BUBBLING NOISE

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-What's that?

-That, sir, is Ajax,

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the first ever flushing privy, invented in 1596 by me.

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-Really?

-Yes, Mr John Harrington.

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Esteemed poet and godson to Queen Elizabeth herself,

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but you can call me Mr Toilet.

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No? Fair enough.

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Nobody seems to want to shake Mr Toilet's hand.

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Regard, one I made earlier.

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-Eurgh! What is wrong with you?!

-It's very unpleasant, isn't it?

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But with the new Harrington loo, simply pull the lever...

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TOILET FLUSHES

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..and the doings are magically flushed away.

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Prithee, the privy of the future.

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-Mind your feet.

-Oh, man!

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-Yes, but I am working on that bit.

-Do you mind?

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-Do you mind going away?

-Each to their own.

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Oh, hang on, erm, where's the paper?

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Paper? Do you intend to write?

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-For afterwards.

-Oh, I see!

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Just use the same cloth as everyone else - Old faithful.

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You know what, never mind. Thanks.

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Welcome to Amazing Scientists.

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CAT MIAOWS

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You know, some Tudors believed some pretty crazy stuff.

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They believed that unicorn horns could heal people.

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They also believed in unicorns,

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but the Tudors also did some amazing things.

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Think about it!

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Tudors knew stuff about space

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and they didn't even have the internet or loom bands!

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Tudor science is amazing!

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But don't take my word for it.

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I'm about to meet one of the brainiest fellas of the Tudor times,

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Danish scientist, Tycho Brahe.

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Hi, Brian.

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-Tycho, you're wearing a fake silver nose.

-Yeah.

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I imagine that's for a good scientific reason?

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Certainly is. I lost my real nose in a fight about math.

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That's not science, that's just weird, but anyway, carry on.

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-Just tell them about your amazing achievements.

-Oh, yeah, sure.

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-So, over the course of my career, I catalogued over 1,000 stars.

-Wow!

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I also invented numerous instruments designed to help study and measure

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the universe with astonishing accuracy.

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-He's astronomically amazing!

-Thanks.

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-Well, that's all from me...

-I also had a fortune-telling dwarf.

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Oh, you had to ruin it, didn't you?!

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-He's called Jep and he lived under my desk.

-Zip it!

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I also had an elk. I used to bring him to parties.

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I don't want to know.

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Unfortunately, one day he fell down the stairs.

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What was he doing on the stairs? Looking for the loo?

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It's a funny story. We'd been having a little bit of the drinky spinky.

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Oh, get out of it!

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Tudor scientists, amazing, but weird.

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-Do you like to party?

-No.

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FRENCH ACCENT: Now, my second husband, Lord Darnley,

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wanted to be King and he was an arrogant idiot

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who made lots of enemies.

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Unfortunately he was killed.

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But what did I do to ze person who killed him?

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Ah, ze answer is...'C'!

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Pretty much everyone knows the Earl of Bothwell murdered Lord Darnley

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but I married him anyway.

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What can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic.

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So miserable Mary was forced to flee from Scotland because the Scottish

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nobles thought her third husband was even worse than the one before.

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But when she escaped to England,

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she was arrested and put in prison by her cousin Queen Elizabeth,

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who was worried she was trying to steal the English throne.

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You couldn't make it up!

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FRENCH ACCENT: I am back in ze market again, looking for a husband,

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blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

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Now, before I wanted a prince or someone with an army.

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Now I basically just want someone who isn't going to get killed.

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Oh, and someone who can get me out of prison.

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Elizabeth I has me locked up,

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so really you need to be someone she approves of.

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SCOTTISH ACCENT: Although I am up for a secret marriage alliance to

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a powerful Catholic who can help me smash England

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and take back what's rightfully mine!

0:16:570:17:00

While Elizabeth kept Mary under lock and key,

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over near Greece, a war was being waged at sea.

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The naval battle of Lepanto was massive and massively weird.

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It's time for History's Craziest Fools!

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Hey, you! Yeah, you!

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Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt and listen up, yeah!

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I'm Mr H and I've been working hard searching through history

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to find the craziest fools that ever lived!

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These people are bad for your health, bruv!

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If you don't pay attention, so am I, for real fam, get it? Chill!

0:17:300:17:35

Leave it! The naval battle of Lepanto 1571, yeah?

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The mighty Ottomans were up against the Spanish, Italian and Maltese

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fighting for the future of Europe, like in the football.

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The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy are too far away to fire at,

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so what's he going to do?

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Wait patiently and conserve energy for the battle ahead?

0:18:000:18:04

Come on, everyone, dance, dance, dance!

0:18:040:18:08

NOO! He's going to try and start a dance-off! What?!

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Dance!

0:18:110:18:13

You'd better get the right tune, otherwise it is going to be whack!

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Now, if this guy had any sense, yeah,

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he would ignore the crazy Ottoman behaviour...

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-Oh, you can't touch this.

-..BUT HE DOESN'T!

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Who? Me? Dance!

0:18:240:18:27

Oh, man, quit already!

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You're already making me seasick.

0:18:310:18:33

Now that the battle is done,

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you think things are going to get serious, right? WRONG!

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CANNON FIRE

0:18:370:18:41

Not a so...

0:18:410:18:43

Argh!

0:18:430:18:44

This guy has just had his hand blown off

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and it takes like 100 years or something to grow it back!

0:18:460:18:49

He needs to stop the bleeding.

0:18:490:18:51

That is a pretty sensible idea.

0:18:510:18:54

THEY CHEER

0:18:540:18:56

But that definitely isn't!

0:18:560:18:57

A chicken band-aid?!

0:18:570:18:59

Mate, chickens are for burgers.

0:18:590:19:01

What are you thinking, finger-licking fool!

0:19:010:19:03

-Yeah, there's no more cannon balls.

-What? What?

0:19:030:19:07

Here come the Spanish. The Ottomans are out of ammo! Oh, my days!

0:19:070:19:10

Think it's all over? Think again!

0:19:100:19:13

Who needs cannon balls when we've got fresh fruit! Load!

0:19:130:19:18

Aim!

0:19:180:19:19

Fire! Ha-ha!

0:19:190:19:21

Fire fruit at will!

0:19:210:19:23

Ha-ha! Take that, you silly Spanish!

0:19:230:19:27

Know when to quit, citrus fruit fools.

0:19:270:19:30

One glass of fool juice. All right!

0:19:300:19:32

Eurgh!

0:19:320:19:34

Remember, as long as we keep making history,

0:19:340:19:36

history will keep making crazy fools.

0:19:360:19:39

Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way!

0:19:390:19:42

Ha-ha! Until next time, stay away from stupid, y'all!

0:19:420:19:46

Have we cut? Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.

0:19:480:19:52

FRENCH ACCENT: I am still Mary Queen of Scots...

0:19:530:19:56

just about.

0:19:560:19:57

So zat is quite a strange name

0:19:570:19:59

because I haven't spent zat much time in Scotland.

0:19:590:20:03

In fact, how many years did I live there in total?

0:20:030:20:07

Ze answer is B!

0:20:150:20:18

I may be Queen of ze Scots,

0:20:180:20:20

but I only lived zer for 12 years out of my entire life.

0:20:200:20:24

Ze rest of the time I was living in France,

0:20:240:20:27

wearing lovely dresses and for ze past 19 years, I have been

0:20:270:20:31

held prisoner in England, whilst also wearing lovely dresses.

0:20:310:20:37

SCOTTISH ACCENT: What? I cannae be seen in rags now, can I?

0:20:370:20:40

What if Elizabeth I gets assassinated by one of my followers

0:20:400:20:43

and I get made Queen of England?

0:20:430:20:47

FRENCH ACCENT: Whoops! I 'ave said too much!

0:20:470:20:49

Mary said she didn't want to kill Elizabeth

0:20:490:20:52

and take the English throne, but Catholic plotters began

0:20:520:20:55

writing letters to her planning exactly that.

0:20:550:20:58

Wooo!

0:20:580:20:59

Luckily for Queen Liz,

0:20:590:21:01

her spy master, Lord Walsingham, was a sinister genius.

0:21:010:21:05

He caught desperate Mary red-handed

0:21:050:21:08

with enough evidence to put her on trial for treason.

0:21:080:21:11

If found guilty she would be put to death,

0:21:110:21:14

but Elizabeth wouldn't do that to her own cousin, would she?

0:21:140:21:18

Would she? What a terrible dilemma!

0:21:180:21:21

# Is this a fair trial

0:21:220:21:26

# Or just a mockery?

0:21:260:21:29

# I am Queen Mary

0:21:290:21:32

# With no escape from your trickery

0:21:320:21:36

# No lawyer to depend

0:21:360:21:39

# Or witnesses to defend me

0:21:390:21:44

# Your honour

0:21:510:21:54

# I killed no-one

0:21:540:21:57

# You expect me to confess

0:21:570:22:00

# Zat I'd bump off good Queen Bess

0:22:000:22:04

# Treason

0:22:040:22:07

# I call Walsingham

0:22:070:22:10

# Lord Altringham cos these letters are fakes

0:22:100:22:15

# For me, you're going down

0:22:180:22:22

# I can prove they're real

0:22:240:22:27

# And I was Queen of Scotland once, you clown

0:22:270:22:33

# Please do not, carry on

0:22:330:22:35

# You are guilty and now admit it

0:22:350:22:39

# Mary's refusing to admit her guilt

0:22:410:22:44

# What a shock, what a shame, a complete and utter scandal

0:22:440:22:47

# Throckmorton and Babington

0:22:470:22:49

# You said Queen Bess you'd have her done in

0:22:490:22:51

-# To the scaffold!

-# To the scaffold!

0:22:510:22:53

-# To the scaffold!

-# To the scaffold!

0:22:530:22:54

# To the scaffold she must go-o-o-oo!

0:22:540:22:57

# I'm Queen, you're vile, I demand a fair trial

0:22:570:23:00

# Goodness gracious, is that the time already?

0:23:000:23:03

# Don't spare the horses, time to go home

0:23:030:23:07

# If she's guilty, then I must sentence her to die

0:23:080:23:12

# But that would make me a killer Queen so I...

0:23:140:23:18

# Scary, don't want to do this, Mary

0:23:190:23:24

# Not gonna get out of signing her death warrant-y!

0:23:260:23:30

# Her death really matters

0:23:430:23:46

# She made me enemies.

0:23:460:23:49

# Her death really matters...

0:23:520:23:55

# to me!

0:23:550:23:58

# Zat's not how my wig goes. #

0:23:590:24:03

Tragic Mary died when she was 44 years old and Elizabeth regretted

0:24:070:24:12

signing her own cousin's death warrant for the rest of her life.

0:24:120:24:16

Still, you could say Mary had the last laugh because when

0:24:160:24:19

Elizabeth died, Mary's son became King James I of England.

0:24:190:24:24

Time to say goodbye, Mary!

0:24:240:24:26

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, my grisly interviews

0:24:280:24:33

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, they're dead and famous too! #

0:24:330:24:37

And she said... What? Oh, we're on.

0:24:380:24:41

Hello and welcome to Chatty Death,

0:24:410:24:44

where it's time to welcome our next guest.

0:24:440:24:47

So please put your hands together, or whatever you've got left,

0:24:470:24:51

and go Mc-crazy for Mary, Queen of Scots!

0:24:510:24:56

So, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza!

0:24:590:25:03

-Can I call you Mazza?

-Call me, Mary! Queen of Scots!

0:25:030:25:06

So, Madge, let's cut to the chase.

0:25:060:25:09

How about telling us what you'd like your legacy to be?

0:25:090:25:13

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Zat I stood up for my rightful claim to ze throne

0:25:130:25:15

against that rubbish Queen, my cousin Elizabeth.

0:25:150:25:19

-Whatever happened to her, huh?

-Well, erm, Elizabeth never married.

0:25:190:25:24

Well, I was married three times. Ah!

0:25:240:25:28

Yeah, I don't think that's better.

0:25:280:25:31

Erm, well, did she meet a sticky end?

0:25:310:25:36

If by sticky end, you mean she reigned for a glorious 44 years

0:25:360:25:39

establishing a strong England free from the rule of Rome,

0:25:390:25:41

defeated the Spanish and is remembered as possibly

0:25:410:25:44

England's greatest ever monarch, then, yeah, didn't go too well!

0:25:440:25:47

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Bah! Your bums out the windae!

0:25:470:25:49

SCOTTISH ACCENT: I couldnae ha put it better myself.

0:25:490:25:51

Bah! Ah! There's summat wrong with your chair, pal!

0:25:510:25:56

What a lovely lady.

0:25:560:25:57

A fellow could really lose his head over her.

0:25:570:26:00

CYMBAL CRASH

0:26:000:26:02

If I wasn't death I'd be dying up here.

0:26:020:26:05

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, hope next time it's not you!

0:26:050:26:08

# Hoo-hoo! #

0:26:080:26:10

Your Majesty!

0:26:120:26:14

NOOO!

0:26:140:26:16

THEY LAUGH

0:26:160:26:18

No pressure, boys! It's a...

0:26:180:26:22

# The past is no longer a mystery,

0:26:220:26:25

# Hope you enjoyed HOR-RIBLE HIST-OR-IES. #

0:26:250:26:29

A special episode about Mary, Queen of Scots, starring Jessica Ransom. It follows the young Mary as she stumbles from being a young girl in Scotland to queen in France, back to queen in Scotland and finally to Elizabeth I's public enemy number one - with a bit of Queenian Rhapsody thrown in for good measure!

Meanwhile, across the world, we meet silver-nosed Danish scientist Tycho Brahe, and Mr H gives us his unique take on the epic Battle of Lepanto in another History's Craziest Fools. With, of course, our host Rattus to guide the way!


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