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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights
# Horrors that defy description, cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians,
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# Gory stories we do that
# And your host, a drumming rat
# The past is no longer a mystery
# Welcome to HOR-RIBLE HIST-OR-IES. #
Horrible Histories presents...
Previously on 'Mary Queen of Scots'...
..to King James V of Scotland.
Great news, Your Majesty. Your wife's had a baby girl.
Your Majesty! Your Majesty!
No, he's dead!
I crown you...
Mary, Queen of Scots.
An infant Queen forced to flee Scotland,
as her mother receives shock news.
Henry Ze Eighth wants Mary to marry his son, Prince Edward?
Over my dead body!
Mary, you are going to France.
Pick four friends to take with you.
Hmm, Mary, Mary, Mary and Mary.
That'll be fun at Passport Control!
A Scottish Queen
sent to live in France.
Get, get. Welcome to France.
Now, first things first, let us get you a boyfriend.
Forced to marry at 17, but destined for the French throne.
You may now kiss the bride.
Er, my father is dead!
Now, I am King and you are Queen of France.
-Get in! Yes!
-We shall rule France and Scotland together
for decades to come.
I don't know. I don't feel so well.
Mary, Queen of Scots and France...
FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, Mary.
Oh, not you, Mary, Mary or Mary. YOU, Mary!
I was just thinking how happy I am here in France,
compared to dreary old Scotland.
The weather is better, the fashion is better,
the food is so much better.
Mm, yes, m'lady. Scotland is rubbish.
-You shut your gegy!
That's my bonnie wee Scotland you're running doon there!
FRENCH ACCENT: But, you're right.
Ze day we arrived in France from Scotland
was ze 'appiest day of my life.
You, Mary, fetch me my little doggie.
Oh, look what I 'ave stitched.
I have made a new coat for my little doggie.
I am so 'appy!
But, m'lady, isn't King Francis still unwell, huh?
I hear he is bravely fighting for his life.
Ah, no, he's just being a sickly little softie, as per usual.
He only has an earache. You cannot die of an earache.
-King Francis has died of earache!
-Huh, apparently you can.
-Oh, my darling son!
Hold on a minute, if Francis is no longer King,
does that mean zat I am in charge?
No, I am,
and you, Mary, are going straight back to Scotland.
Hmm, um, which, erm, Mary is that?
-ALL OF YOU!
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Jings! That's a pure wee downer, that!
So, widowed Mary was sent packing across the Channel
back to Scotland.
Mary was known for her love of clothes and fashion,
but it wasn't just Tudor women who dressed in extravagant ways.
How you doing?
Erm, I'm all right.
Actually a bit 'ruff'.
-Well, rough guess.
-IMITATES REVERSING LORRY:
-EEER! EEER! EEER!
Guess who's here.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
Oh, thank you, yeah. Rough time putting it on.
Yeah, all those pins and bleaching.
Yeah, like, really rough on your hands.
I would not want to be out there right now.
Rough weather can be so rough on the ruff.
Ooh, true dat.
Man, you look well...
-What's the word?
Ooh, I smell soup!
-There's a problem with these spoons, waitress.
-That is no way to run a business.
Ooh! Hey, hi! The old human spoon trick, huh?
Although, they do look a bit ridiculous, though.
Yeah, well, you've got to take the rough with the smooth, haven't you?
Boys, soup for one and soup for all.
Hey, let's eat!
You, you soup-spoon me, I'll soup-spoon you.
You do him. I do you.
-I do me?
-You do him. I do you.
16th century fashion might have been strange,
but 16th century food could be pretty weird too.
-I'm Paul Hollybush.
Er, and I'm Mary, Queen of Scones.
Let's see what our bakers can impress us with this week.
For our signature bake challenge, we're going to ask them to both make
-a simple loaf of...
-It's Tudor bread...
-..Tudor bread from
-the reign of Mary Queen of Scots.
-..Queen of Scots.
-So, Gilbert, what have you gone for?
A brown loaf, Mary,
which in Tudor times would have been the cheaper sort of bread
-eaten by poor people in the taverns and so forth.
-Oh, poor people.
Yeah, the white bread would have only been for the wealthy
-and posh types and so forth.
And Percy, what do you have planned for us?
Er, biscuit bread Mary with aniseed and coriander.
-Do you not like biscuit bread?
Oh, no, I'm still thinking about the poor people.
That does sound lovely.
-I just said that.
Let's see how the biscuit bread is coming along.
Percy, you don't seem happy with your bake?
Oh, no, it's fine. It's just that this traditional Tudor recipe
means that I have to pummel it with a length of wood for two hours
before it's even remotely ready to bake.
-This biscuit bread's going to take some beating.
-Very good, Mary.
-Where is it?
-Er, it's not here. Yeah, most Tudors didn't have ovens
so they'd send their dough off to bakers instead.
Oh, here it comes now.
-Ah, it's a really soggy bottom.
-Sorry, I sat on a wet bench.
FRENCH ACCENT: Cuckoo! How's it going?
I am Mary. I am 18.
I am a Queen and I am single, again.
If you are interested and you are a prince or a powerful noble
who can help me hold on to my throne, then drop me a line.
But don't wait around though, because I won't be single long!
SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm pure fit, me! Mmm!
Mary's return to Scotland didn't please everyone,
especially not Queen Elizabeth I.
You see, Mary was Elizabeth's cousin
with her own strong claim to rule England.
Feisty Elizabeth felt threatened.
There was only space for one royal bum on that throne.
Let the rivalry begin!
Tudor Togs presents Princess Dress-Up.
Every little girl wants to be a Queen and now,
Tudor Togs have two fabulous outfits for her to choose from.
How about Queen Elizabeth I of England?
The Protestant Queen of England with no European allies, no husband
and no children to slow her down.
Failure to get married carried out at monarch's own risk.
Prospects for the Tudor Dynasty may go up or down.
I can hear you, you know!
Or how about Mary Queen of Scots?
Tall, beautiful, young, fashionable. Adored around Europe.
All right! We get the idea!
Through her father James V of Scotland and her grandmother,
Margaret Tudor, she has Tudor AND Stuart claim to the English throne.
Le double whammy!
With strong ties to Europe because she's Catholic and a bit French.
-I'll take both.
-You can't have both!
These outfits must be sold separately
as the two monarchs are never seen in the same room.
Tudor Togs, because every little girl deserves to be a Queen.
No liabilities accepted for death
and treason plots incurred whilst wearing our outfits.
Dressing up as royalty is a punishable offence.
Tudor Togs, get them before they get you!
So, while the Queen v Queen rivalry was really heating up,
ambitious Mary met and married her second husband,
the Scottish noble, Lord Darnley.
Oh, he's dreamy.
But Darnley was so annoying and upset so many people,
the other Scottish nobles had him killed.
Not so dreamy.
FRENCH ACCENT: Hello, hi. How is it going?
I am Mary. I am 25 and I am single...again,
and looking for my, erm, Francis, Darnley...THIRD husband.
I'd like to say my second husband died of natural causes...
SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..but his hoose was blown to bits and he was strangled!
FRENCH ACCENT: Doesn't come much more unnatural zan zat.
You must 'ave your own army.
I still have my own country,
but it looks like I might have to fight for it.
Would be great if you are a prince,
but really, I just need someone who can...
SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..smash my enemies into tiny wee bits!
If Mary asks for me, I'm not available.
While Mary was searching for another husband, life in the 1500s
was developing in lots of different ways, from science to the cess-pit.
Hold your noses!
No, no, no, please, take a seat.
-That, sir, is Ajax,
the first ever flushing privy, invented in 1596 by me.
-Yes, Mr John Harrington.
Esteemed poet and godson to Queen Elizabeth herself,
but you can call me Mr Toilet.
No? Fair enough.
Nobody seems to want to shake Mr Toilet's hand.
Regard, one I made earlier.
-Eurgh! What is wrong with you?!
-It's very unpleasant, isn't it?
But with the new Harrington loo, simply pull the lever...
..and the doings are magically flushed away.
Prithee, the privy of the future.
-Mind your feet.
-Yes, but I am working on that bit.
-Do you mind?
-Do you mind going away?
-Each to their own.
Oh, hang on, erm, where's the paper?
Paper? Do you intend to write?
-Oh, I see!
Just use the same cloth as everyone else - Old faithful.
You know what, never mind. Thanks.
Welcome to Amazing Scientists.
You know, some Tudors believed some pretty crazy stuff.
They believed that unicorn horns could heal people.
They also believed in unicorns,
but the Tudors also did some amazing things.
Think about it!
Tudors knew stuff about space
and they didn't even have the internet or loom bands!
Tudor science is amazing!
But don't take my word for it.
I'm about to meet one of the brainiest fellas of the Tudor times,
Danish scientist, Tycho Brahe.
-Tycho, you're wearing a fake silver nose.
I imagine that's for a good scientific reason?
Certainly is. I lost my real nose in a fight about math.
That's not science, that's just weird, but anyway, carry on.
-Just tell them about your amazing achievements.
-Oh, yeah, sure.
-So, over the course of my career, I catalogued over 1,000 stars.
I also invented numerous instruments designed to help study and measure
the universe with astonishing accuracy.
-He's astronomically amazing!
-Well, that's all from me...
-I also had a fortune-telling dwarf.
Oh, you had to ruin it, didn't you?!
-He's called Jep and he lived under my desk.
I also had an elk. I used to bring him to parties.
I don't want to know.
Unfortunately, one day he fell down the stairs.
What was he doing on the stairs? Looking for the loo?
It's a funny story. We'd been having a little bit of the drinky spinky.
Oh, get out of it!
Tudor scientists, amazing, but weird.
-Do you like to party?
FRENCH ACCENT: Now, my second husband, Lord Darnley,
wanted to be King and he was an arrogant idiot
who made lots of enemies.
Unfortunately he was killed.
But what did I do to ze person who killed him?
Ah, ze answer is...'C'!
Pretty much everyone knows the Earl of Bothwell murdered Lord Darnley
but I married him anyway.
What can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic.
So miserable Mary was forced to flee from Scotland because the Scottish
nobles thought her third husband was even worse than the one before.
But when she escaped to England,
she was arrested and put in prison by her cousin Queen Elizabeth,
who was worried she was trying to steal the English throne.
You couldn't make it up!
FRENCH ACCENT: I am back in ze market again, looking for a husband,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Now, before I wanted a prince or someone with an army.
Now I basically just want someone who isn't going to get killed.
Oh, and someone who can get me out of prison.
Elizabeth I has me locked up,
so really you need to be someone she approves of.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Although I am up for a secret marriage alliance to
a powerful Catholic who can help me smash England
and take back what's rightfully mine!
While Elizabeth kept Mary under lock and key,
over near Greece, a war was being waged at sea.
The naval battle of Lepanto was massive and massively weird.
It's time for History's Craziest Fools!
Hey, you! Yeah, you!
Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt and listen up, yeah!
I'm Mr H and I've been working hard searching through history
to find the craziest fools that ever lived!
These people are bad for your health, bruv!
If you don't pay attention, so am I, for real fam, get it? Chill!
Leave it! The naval battle of Lepanto 1571, yeah?
The mighty Ottomans were up against the Spanish, Italian and Maltese
fighting for the future of Europe, like in the football.
The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy are too far away to fire at,
so what's he going to do?
Wait patiently and conserve energy for the battle ahead?
Come on, everyone, dance, dance, dance!
NOO! He's going to try and start a dance-off! What?!
You'd better get the right tune, otherwise it is going to be whack!
Now, if this guy had any sense, yeah,
he would ignore the crazy Ottoman behaviour...
-Oh, you can't touch this.
-..BUT HE DOESN'T!
Who? Me? Dance!
Oh, man, quit already!
You're already making me seasick.
Now that the battle is done,
you think things are going to get serious, right? WRONG!
Not a so...
This guy has just had his hand blown off
and it takes like 100 years or something to grow it back!
He needs to stop the bleeding.
That is a pretty sensible idea.
But that definitely isn't!
A chicken band-aid?!
Mate, chickens are for burgers.
What are you thinking, finger-licking fool!
-Yeah, there's no more cannon balls.
Here come the Spanish. The Ottomans are out of ammo! Oh, my days!
Think it's all over? Think again!
Who needs cannon balls when we've got fresh fruit! Load!
Fire fruit at will!
Ha-ha! Take that, you silly Spanish!
Know when to quit, citrus fruit fools.
One glass of fool juice. All right!
Remember, as long as we keep making history,
history will keep making crazy fools.
Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way!
Ha-ha! Until next time, stay away from stupid, y'all!
Have we cut? Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.
FRENCH ACCENT: I am still Mary Queen of Scots...
So zat is quite a strange name
because I haven't spent zat much time in Scotland.
In fact, how many years did I live there in total?
Ze answer is B!
I may be Queen of ze Scots,
but I only lived zer for 12 years out of my entire life.
Ze rest of the time I was living in France,
wearing lovely dresses and for ze past 19 years, I have been
held prisoner in England, whilst also wearing lovely dresses.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: What? I cannae be seen in rags now, can I?
What if Elizabeth I gets assassinated by one of my followers
and I get made Queen of England?
FRENCH ACCENT: Whoops! I 'ave said too much!
Mary said she didn't want to kill Elizabeth
and take the English throne, but Catholic plotters began
writing letters to her planning exactly that.
Luckily for Queen Liz,
her spy master, Lord Walsingham, was a sinister genius.
He caught desperate Mary red-handed
with enough evidence to put her on trial for treason.
If found guilty she would be put to death,
but Elizabeth wouldn't do that to her own cousin, would she?
Would she? What a terrible dilemma!
# Is this a fair trial
# Or just a mockery?
# I am Queen Mary
# With no escape from your trickery
# No lawyer to depend
# Or witnesses to defend me
# Your honour
# I killed no-one
# You expect me to confess
# Zat I'd bump off good Queen Bess
# I call Walsingham
# Lord Altringham cos these letters are fakes
# For me, you're going down
# I can prove they're real
# And I was Queen of Scotland once, you clown
# Please do not, carry on
# You are guilty and now admit it
# Mary's refusing to admit her guilt
# What a shock, what a shame, a complete and utter scandal
# Throckmorton and Babington
# You said Queen Bess you'd have her done in
-# To the scaffold!
-# To the scaffold!
-# To the scaffold!
-# To the scaffold!
# To the scaffold she must go-o-o-oo!
# I'm Queen, you're vile, I demand a fair trial
# Goodness gracious, is that the time already?
# Don't spare the horses, time to go home
# If she's guilty, then I must sentence her to die
# But that would make me a killer Queen so I...
# Scary, don't want to do this, Mary
# Not gonna get out of signing her death warrant-y!
# Her death really matters
# She made me enemies.
# Her death really matters...
# to me!
# Zat's not how my wig goes. #
Tragic Mary died when she was 44 years old and Elizabeth regretted
signing her own cousin's death warrant for the rest of her life.
Still, you could say Mary had the last laugh because when
Elizabeth died, Mary's son became King James I of England.
Time to say goodbye, Mary!
# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, my grisly interviews
# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, they're dead and famous too! #
And she said... What? Oh, we're on.
Hello and welcome to Chatty Death,
where it's time to welcome our next guest.
So please put your hands together, or whatever you've got left,
and go Mc-crazy for Mary, Queen of Scots!
So, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza!
-Can I call you Mazza?
-Call me, Mary! Queen of Scots!
So, Madge, let's cut to the chase.
How about telling us what you'd like your legacy to be?
-Zat I stood up for my rightful claim to ze throne
against that rubbish Queen, my cousin Elizabeth.
-Whatever happened to her, huh?
-Well, erm, Elizabeth never married.
Well, I was married three times. Ah!
Yeah, I don't think that's better.
Erm, well, did she meet a sticky end?
If by sticky end, you mean she reigned for a glorious 44 years
establishing a strong England free from the rule of Rome,
defeated the Spanish and is remembered as possibly
England's greatest ever monarch, then, yeah, didn't go too well!
-Bah! Your bums out the windae!
SCOTTISH ACCENT: I couldnae ha put it better myself.
Bah! Ah! There's summat wrong with your chair, pal!
What a lovely lady.
A fellow could really lose his head over her.
If I wasn't death I'd be dying up here.
# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, hope next time it's not you!
# Hoo-hoo! #
No pressure, boys! It's a...
# The past is no longer a mystery,
# Hope you enjoyed HOR-RIBLE HIST-OR-IES. #