Naughty Napoleon Special Horrible Histories

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

FANFARE

Horrible Histories presents...

Naughty Napoleon.

Not tonight.

Cool.

In 1789, the people of France overthrew King Louis XVI

and his wife Marie Antoinette and took control of the country.

It was called the French Revolution.

Lots of people got executed with a nasty machine called the guillotine.

GUILLOTINE SLICES

At the time, Napoleon was just a young army officer from Corsica -

an island off the coast of Italy -

but he was desperate to make it in the French army.

Excuse me, I want to be a leader in the French army.

It is my destiny.

Do you speak French?

I am a French!

Do it again?

I am a French!

It says here your name is "Napoleone Buonaparte".

That doesn't sound French. That's Italian?

Originally, yes. You see, I'm from Corsica.

It's a...it's a French island, innit?

No, I didn't get that. Do it again...

Oh, it doesn't matter. You see, I changed my name to

Napoleon Bonaparte because it sounds more French.

-Not much more.

-Oh, give me a promotion, OK?

-It is my destiny!

-Forget about it.

-GUILLOTINE AND CHEERING

There's over 100 people on this list before you.

-Monsieur...

-Bonjour.

Bon.

OK, make that 90 people on the list.

What happened to the others?

The French Revolutionary Government executed another

load of officers for being disloyal.

But there are still 90 people on the list ahead of you,

so please...

I am a genius!

Then why did you finish 42nd out of 58 in your class

at the military academy, hmm?

I finished the course in half of the time!

And you're poor. Gross!

I may not be rich, OK, but I know maps and maths better than anyone.

-GUILLOTINE AND CHEERING

-Poor, foreign, boring!

Monsieur...

-Bonjour.

-Bon.

There are still ten people ahead of you, so please,

if you would be so kind as to get lost?

GUILLOTINE AND CHEERING

Monsieur.

-Bonjour.

-Bon.

Hold on, Napole-wony.

There is a command for the artillery in Toulon.

Oh, yes!

It is my destiny!

I will be the greatest military leader in the whole of the French!

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

No, I didn't get any of that. Do it again.

Oh, give it here!

HE MUTTERS

HE GASPS Oh...

I feel so French all of a sudden!

Oh.

Yes, Napoleon fell in love with the exotic Josephine de Beauharnais,

who was six years older than him and already had two children.

They eventually married in 1796, but their romance was famously stormy.

NAPOLEON: Josephine!

Oh, Josephine?

I have returned!

What is wrong with the door?

Wide open doors are dangerous. It is obvious, no?

Sometimes it is hard to believe you are France's greatest general!

I know. Isn't it great?

I didn't expect you back so soon.

Well, I mentioned it in my letters.

I wrote them to you every day!

Yes, of course, your letters.

How I treasure them.

Oh!

They are in the bin! You have not read them.

Of course I have read them!

Which letter was your favourite?

Oh, it's hard to say - there were so many.

Really, so, so many,

and they were all, erm... really good.

Hmm...

Then you must have read them, because they were all really good!

Ha-ha-ha, OK!

What has been happening since I have been away?

-Not much.

-Bought any new dresses?

-No!

-You have! Show me!

No, you will hate them, and then spill wine on them.

Why would I do that?

It is what you always do when you do not like what I am wearing!

I have literally no idea what you are talking about!

Fine.

Oh, yes, oui!

Oh, yeah, oui, oui!

Ah, no, that is lovely.

HE YAWNS Ah! Oh, no.

I spilled wine all over it,

and it must look like I've done exactly what you said

I would do on purpose, but I totally didn't.

-Show me another.

-Ugh.

SHE SIGHS

Ugh.

Oops!

And this one?

Oh, dear, you are out of wine.

Oh, I must write an urgent letter.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Butterfingers.

Ugh, and you know what?

I really, really liked that one, and that is from the heart.

Do you have any more?

Get out! Get out right now!

-I would, but the door is...

-Oh.

Argh! Close it! Close it!

Au revoir, my love.

SHE SIGHS

I just thought you should know that not all of my letters

reached my beloved Josephine.

In fact, one of them was rudely intercepted by the British,

and you will never guess what they did with it.

Did they...?

The answer is C - they published it in the newspaper.

You see, Josephine and I were having a really big argument,

like, a super big argument,

and I wrote her a really angry letter, and the British,

they stole it and then they published it, to make me look like an idiot.

Well, ha-ha! Who looks like a idiot now, huh?

Huh?

Do with your newspaper... Grr...

Oh, put some effort into it, man!

Napoleon did love Josephine,

but divorced her when she couldn't give him a son.

Hard fromage!

While Napoleon was off fighting battles on the Continent,

over in England, a brilliant Indian traveller called

Sake Dean Mahomet was fighting a battle against split ends

and lice with his own special concoction.

Is your hair lifeless?

That's probably because it's a wig,

but underneath your wig is your actual hair.

You haven't treated it very well, have you?

Mahomet's Art Of Shampooing fights the signs of...

Your hair will never feel this strong, shiny and silky.

You can even smell your hair without making yourself sick.

MAN VOMITS

In fact, nine out of ten aristocrats

prefer the oils and herbs in my shampoo to being infested with lice,

which means that one out of ten of them prefer the lice!

Here comes the languagey bit...

Shampoo is from India

and the word comes from the Indian word "champi", meaning head massage,

but you guys got rid of the C and put an S there instead

and replaced the I at the end...

with an OO.

It's so popular, they made me

the personal shampooing surgeon to King George.

Why be an aristocrat, when you can be a HAIRistocrat?

Go on, you know you're worth it.

I am.

Sake Dean Mahomet opened London's first curry restaurant

and really was responsible for bringing shampoo to Britain.

Too bad he never made a rat version - I stink!

Ha-ha-ha!

An even greater breakthrough of the time was made

by scientist Edward Jenner, who developed a disgusting

but effective treatment for smallpox,

one of the nastiest diseases ever.

Even I think this cure is gross, and I ate a dead pigeon last week.

Heh! Dead pigeon, mmm...

Cowpox - we all want to give our child the best start in life, which

is why Dr Edward Jenner recommends you give your child cowpox.

SQUELCH You have got to be joking!

I don't want my boy growing horns and udders!

It doesn't do that. Trust me,

giving him a gentle illness like cowpox now

will prevent him from getting smallpox later -

one of the deadliest diseases known to man.

Well, what's wrong with how we used to cure smallpox?

Observe...

We took two boys.

We treated one the traditional way by rubbing him

with a smallpox scab to give him a minor dose of the disease.

Mmm, hygienic!

The other boy we injected with goo

and stuff from the pus-filled blister of a milkmaid with cowpox.

That's called vaccination,

-after the Latin word for cow.

-COW MOOS

Sure enough, within just 14 days, the first boy was completely dead,

whereas apart from some slight redness,

the boy we'd given cowpox was fine!

Thanks to Dr Edward Jenner, my Tommy can now live a long and happy life.

As long as he doesn't catch...

..or any of the other deadly diseases that our era is plagued with.

Oh, and plague.

You're welcome.

Glass of milk?

No.

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason and welcome to Battles Of The Day.

We are live from the 18th and 19th centuries,

where a little man is trying to conquer the continent.

It's Napoleon Bonaparte versus the rest of Europe.

And if you like your tactical analysis served with a huge

pile of dead people, I've got just the man - it's Jamie Castle.

Jamie, this guy takes over the French army

and immediately invades Italy,

wins a stunning victory in Toulon,

rises up the ranks, wins the loyalty of his troops - is he mad?

Brilliant, more like it, Geoff.

A successful military general,

who took advantage of the chaos

in the French Revolution.

The French do love Napoleon, almost as much as Napoleon loves Napoleon.

Yes, yes! That's right.

-Napoleon, Napoleon!

-Yes, yes, sir.

Why are you slapping your men?

They love it! They love their great general!

-Huh? Yes!

-Really?

I am like Alexander the Great.

In what way?

I am great, no? Cheers, mate. Cheers, guys.

So confident. It's hard not to like him.

He's got the banter, Geoff, but it's all about the results.

We're hearing that the French Naval Fleet has been

defeated by the British Admiral Horatio Nelson on the Nile.

This setback's going to go down badly in France.

Victory! CHEERING

-Champion.

-Napoleon, you lost.

Why is everyone cheering?

Ah, don't forget, I own the newspapers, yeah?

So everyone back home is reading about victory!

CHEERING Victoire, victoire!

Besides, the government is in a much worse state in France,

so that is why I have decided to come back, no?

-What, erm, to help?

-No, to stage a coup d'etat!

OK, let's go! Cheers, mate. Cheers, everyone. Come on, guys...

Oh, I'd love a CUP d'etat. One sugar, please!

No, Geoff, a coup d'etat is when you overthrow the government.

When he gets home,

he has the chance to seize power...

I'm hearing, in 1804,

he's been crowned Emperor of France...by himself!

A real vote of confidence in Napoleon by Napoleon, there, Geoff.

Breaking battle news from Austerlitz, December 1805.

Chris Staycalmer is on the scene, Chris.

It's madness out here. Napoleon is everywhere!

It's almost like he's moving his guns around really fast

to make it look like he's got thousands of them!

And no, that's exact...

That's exactly what he's doing. That's so Napoleon.

-I'm being shot at!

-GUNFIRE

I'd love to know where the guns are going to pop up next.

Argh! Argh!

Napoleon's really got the Russians on the run now.

They're in full retreat. Surely, just a case of damage limitation?

Fast-forward to 1812,

and he's gone back for another bite of Mother Russia.

Frostbite, more like, Geoff.

Cold with a capital, "Crikey, most of my men have frozen to death!"

All very well dominating in sunnier climes,

but how would Napoleon fare

on a wet sub-zero Tuesday night?

Surely, this is too much

even for the brilliant Napoleon?

No way, Geoff!

An unexploded shell just dropped right next to him

and he didn't even stop!

He's just riding straight over it. Only a madman

-would get that close to a... Ah!

-HORSE WHINNIES

CANNONS FIRE

Hmm... I think my horse might be broken.

Who do I need to invade to get a new horse?

He's losing and he doesn't even know it, Geoff!

I think I need another suit, Geoff.

Defeat and exile to the Italian island of Elba for Napoleon,

a new suit for Chris Staycalmer... Jamie, your thoughts.

Single-breasted grey flannel every time, Geoff.

Over in England, the Duke of Wellington,

the brilliant leader of the British Army, was relaxing,

safe in the knowledge that Napoleon had been defeated.

Not for long, Mr Welly Boots!

Confirmed news from the French. Napoleon is gone forever.

After 20 years of wars, we have peace at last.

Tell me, was it the guillotine or the noose?

Neither, your grace.

The firing squad? 'Tis fitting for a soldier.

-No-no, he hasn't been executed.

-Prison, then!

What I would have given to see him arrested and cast into irons...

To which prison has he been taken?

-He's not in prison. He's been banished.

-Good!

At least he can do us no harm from some far-flung, godforsaken place.

Where's he been sent? China? Australia?

The South Pacific?

-Elba.

-Is that near India?

No, it's a little island just off the coast of France.

It's quite pretty actually. He took some friends and some soldiers too.

Some people are running boat trips,

so tourists can wave at him from the shore.

I took one. It's quite nice.

Really? You've been there.

It's a day trip. You might want to pack a lunch.

-Reasonably priced, though.

-Just to be clear,

the greatest threat to Britain and peace,

an enormously popular, power-hungry French general,

who has terrorised Europe from Russia to Portugal for nearly

20 years, is on a little island just off the coast of France.

Yeah, when you put it like that...

We posted a couple of guard ships,

plus, I'm sure he's probably just chilling at this point.

Your grace, it's...

-Napoleon.

-Yes, he...

Landed in France and was welcomed back as emperor.

Erm, yes and...

He's already raised an army to attack us with.

-Yes! So, now...

-He's retaken Paris

and we have to fight him all over again.

Can you see through the paper?

Right, come along, there's going to be a big battle

-and you're going to be standing right at the front.

-Come on,

-who could have predicted that?

-I could!

He could.

That hat!

I'll get my rifle, then.

'If they want to blow up the French, King of Italy,

'Co-Prince of Andorra...

'You guessed it, it's me,'

Napoleon Bonaparte!

Ugh!

# Hello, Paris I burst through the door

# Now everybody lift your jaws off the floor

# You act like you've never seen your emperor before

# It's Napoleon and I'm back for more I've just escaped from exile on Elba

# Where they call me the caged monster

# They say I'm short and I've got little hands but

# Check out my massive battle plans # Yes, we gotta go to war

# One more time, against who? Everybody, but don't worry

# We'll be fine, fighting to get back what's rightfully mine

# Which is everything I conquered ze first time

# King Louis whatever He ain't got nothing on me

# The greatest Frenchman ever Come to war with me

# French people, my subjects I brought you success

# Women used to make me nervous But in battle, I'm ze best

# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte

# I didn't come to party I came to get nasty

# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte

# Just got to win at Waterloo Then I'll get back to ruling you

# You say I'm cocky, maybe I am It's not my fault

# It's my pituitary gland, or maybe my ego, but I tell you what is true

# I'm a military genius and my army love me too

# Can barely ride a horse But not for want of trying

# I'd say it's not my sore bum But I'd be lying

# It's ze British and ze Dutch and ze Prussian army but that's OK

-# The Prussian leader's barmy

-I'm pregnant with an elephant

# See what I mean? Need to win before they get on the scene

# Can't pray for rain to stop Don't believe in God

# If it carries on, we'll be stuck in ze mud

# I got 100 days And I'm back up in this

# We're outnumbered, yes But we can win this

# Sure, I'm a little fat And it hurts when I pee

# But don't worry about zat I'll lead you to victory, baby

# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte

# I lead the French army I wasn't really that tiny

# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte

# Look out world, wait and see You're about to see the best of me

# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte

# Just got to beat Wellington Which almost nobody has done

# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte

# And I'll go down in history cos Waterloo's my destiny. #

So, incredibly, plucky Napoleon escaped from exile,

became leader of France again

and raised an army to fight the rest of Europe -

all in 100 days.

Incroyable!

But this time, he really was up against it.

On the muddy fields of Waterloo in Belgium, the French met a massive

army combined of Great Britain and a bit of Germany called Prussia.

What a line-up!

Hey, war lovers, we're here in Belgium, 1815.

It's been raining, it's a bit muddy,

but we're still going to have an epic battle.

-Woo-hoo!

-It's Waterloo Fest.

OMG, erm, Napoleon, it is so cool to meet you.

I know. I know zis.

So, erm, the Battle of Waterloo,

right, I mean, your biggest ever gig?

Massive, but I've noticed you haven't started fighting yet,

so what's going on?

We wait until ze ground dries out.

Right, right, cos when you're vibing on the battlefield

and the mud is, like, biblical, it can really harsh your mellow, right?

-I have no idea what you are saying right now.

-Right.

But hopefully, we still have time to bash ze British

before they can join forces with ze Prussians.

Otherwise we are in erm, how do you say? "Deep doo-doo."

I have given the order to my army to take positions, so we will see.

Well, erm, good luck.

Jerry is over at the British camp...

Well, I must say you're remarkably chilled -

dancing the night away, even as Napoleon heads for the battlefield.

Well, you know, he's just one guy in a world...

What?

Excuse me...

Well, so, Fran, it looks like the Battle of Waterloo is

finally about to start rocking, there.

Any chance of this rumoured appearance

by the Prussian General Blucher?

Erm, no, not really, Jerry.

He's, he's still totally lost and erm...

-Hey!

-Huh?

Prince Von Blucher, what... What's happening man?

Haven't you heard?

I'm about to give birth to an elephant.

Really? Massive.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

Ouch...

Erm, random.

Wow! Oh, this battle is really banging, bro!

It's going to be a bit tight, though, isn't it?

Might just be the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.

-CANNONS FIRE

-Speaking of which,

why don't you take a closer look?

Here, take this note to that general over there.

But...me, in the middle of battle?

But I'm just a presenter.

-Promoted to messenger.

-GUNFIRE

There's a good chap!

Argh!

Hey, Napoleon, that last cavalry charge was an epic...

fail! What went wrong?

Ze British, they were hiding in a field of long corn.

They jumped up and they shot us to pieces.

My Imperial Guard had to retreat.

Amazing, and that's a Fest first, right?

Oh, no, the crazy Prussians have arrived!

Retreat, men! Retreat!

MEN YELL

Well, it looks like that's all from Waterloo Fest

and the final performance of the legend that is Napoleon.

Now, I may have lost at Waterloo, but some of the British soldiers

had a pretty foolish way of stopping my cannon balls I fire at zem.

Did they...?

Argh!

Argh!

CRASH

Well, the answer is B.

They tried to stop bouncing cannonballs with their feet,

which is like trying to stop a charging rhinoceros

with a paper umbrella.

Now, they have a bunch of foot soldiers who have only got one foot!

Ha-ha-ha!

Idiots! I hate them so much!

Yes, poor old Napoleon was la big loser

in his final battle at Waterloo,

and he was exiled again.

Only, this time, it was somewhere really out of the way -

The tiny island of St Helena in the middle of the Atlantic.

Here, he discovered he was good at something

other than conquering - gardening.

Welcome to Exiled To Another Countryfile.

This week, we're at Longwood House on the island of St Helena

to see a garden looked after by former French Emperor Napoleon.

-Bonjour!

-Wow, you really are short.

I'm standing in a hole, you idiot!

I'm actually average height for a man of my time.

Bill, Ben, get me out.

Heave... Ignore these two.

I have to have these imbecile guards with me at all times.

I make them wear flowers so they blend in with the garden.

-They don't look very happy about it.

-We actually quite like the flowers.

We just don't like him because he cheats at cards.

Ha-ha-ha! I do not cheat at cards.

Awkward.

-Do you want to show us round the garden?

-Yes, please.

OK, after you.

-I call this my army.

-Ah.

Army, attack, idiots! Oh, it looks like they have taken root.

Fight, you cowards, or be obliterated by ze enemy!

Who is the enemy?

Ze dreaded snail.

Zey are also very tasty, huh?

Ha-ha-ha!

Yes! What are you looking at, you slimy little sausage?!

I'm sure the audience at home

would love to know why you first started gardening.

My idiot doctor said that I might need the exercise.

-Well, he's got a point.

-What?

Nothing.

Good.

Ahem, it also helps me express myself

-and helps me relax.

-Hmm.

Come!

It's certainly hard work maintaining a garden like this one.

Ah, Napoleon, weed! But it's given Napoleon a sense of focus.

It really allowed him to forget all about the wars

and battles of the past.

Yargh!

Ugh! Ugh!

Victory! Ha-ha-ha! Die!

That's all we've got time for this week. Join me next time,

when hopefully I'll be meeting someone a little less angry.

Idiot!

So, unfortunately for Napoleon, he never escaped from the island

of St Helena and died in 1821, when he was only 51 years old.

But from a poor boy in Corsica he rose to become Emperor of France,

yeah, and one of the greatest military leaders of all time!

Napoleon was a pretty amazing guy and didn't he know it?

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death My grisly interviews

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death They're dead and famous too. #

Ha-ha-ha! What? I'm bantering with the boys!

Hmm? Oh!

Welcome back to Chatty Death.

It's time for our next guest, so please give a huge

round of applause to the former Emperor of France, Napoleon!

Hmm, obviously not Napoleon fans, eh?

WIND BLOWS Not Napoleon fans?

Poo, poo, poo!

Everyone is a fan of Napoleon.

Don't think so, mate.

I am one of the greatest men who ever lived.

-So listen here, Napoleon Bony-parts.

-BA DUM TSH

Still nothing?

Unbelievable!

-The thing is, Boney N...

-BA DUM TSH

Ha-ha! And that's for your mums and dads.

They like you in France. You know, you had a state funeral

and you're still remembered with pride to this day.

-Oui, vive la France.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But to people here in Britain,

you're just a short bloke with a bad temper.

I am not short!

You are short...tempered.

I am now!

-Why, because you're short?

-I'm not short!

Why is it important how tall I am?

When I conquered Spain, I conquered Italy,

I conquered Switzerland and I conquered Belgium!

Sounds like quite the game of conkers.

-BA DUM TSH

-Really? Nothing for that gold?

Seriously?!

I am proud of my achievements.

Yeah, well, you know what pride comes before, don't you?

Hmm?

No! It won't affect me!

Napoleon, there, after his tour of Europe,

reaching his final DEATHtination.

-BA DUM TSH

-Ha-ha! DEATHtination!

I mean, come on,

-I'm KILLING this audience.

-WIND BLOWS

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death Hope next time it's not you. #

Hoo-hoo!

LAUGHTER

I have returned...

What is wrong with...?

What has been happening

since I have been away-ay?

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #