Horrid Henry VIII Special Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

-Oh!

-Get up!

You must have planned that!

From the kingdom that brought you Henry I, Henry II, Henry III,

Henry IV...you get the idea.

Henry VII and VIII in...

Son Henry, it's time you learnt the business of kingship.

Oh, boring!

There's one or two golden rules to successful kingship.

Number one - war.

War?

Avoid it!

Oh, but it's the only fun bit!

Hey, hey, hey, uh, uh, uh!

It costs too much.

Who cares how much it costs? You get your own army!

Hi-ya!

Can't we get back to talking about my own army?

No!

You don't think it's easy, ending a long dynastic war

and ruling a country, do you?

Must be easier than sitting here listening to you talk about it.

Since your brother Arthur's death, you're next in line to be king.

You need to shape up a little.

You must learn the family business.

The family business? Dull!

You need to raise lots of tax.

That entails a certain amount of administration.

I literally just went to boredom hell

and it was exactly the same as my life.

What you want to do is make peace.

I've spent my lifetime making this country run effectively

within its means.

People respect me across the aristocracy.

The country is financially stable and we have peace!

Oh, Henry!

Find out what happens next...now!

So, after his dad kicked the bucket, Henry VIII became king

when he was just 18 years old.

At the start of his reign, Henry was known for being handsome,

dashing and a brilliant sportsman - a bit like me.

What?

Welcome to HH TV Sport.

Here are the results so far.

The fencing has been won by King Henry VIII.

Jousting was won by...

Henry VIII.

The archery has been won by...

King Henry VIII.

The tennis was won by...

King Henry VIII. Probably playing himself.

And the making cobblestones with a steel hammer...

It's King Henry VIII!

What a king!

But the big question is, can he repeat his victory in the wrestling?

And you join us here,

Henry, our monarch, is really mangling this opponent.

Oh! Power slam! And his opponent is not even a wrestler.

That guy is just a spectator who said Henry was only winning

because people let him.

Think again, sunshine! Regal wrestling brilliance.

Your Majesty... TRUMPET FANFARE

The king is a fantastic athlete and is about to compete in today's

biggest sporting event, the wood sawing.

But first up, here's what he had to say

when I caught up with him earlier today.

Confident?

Well, there are no easy matches in competitive wood sawing,

but, yes, I am confident.

About everything.

Oh.

Any game plan for the match ahead?

Well, my plan was to saw the wood in half.

Stop me if I'm getting too technical.

What have you done to train for this event? Tell me.

I have mostly just been sawing things in half.

Now...

Do you know what this is?

That's my SAW bottom.

-That's a competitive wood cutter's joke.

-Oh...

Well, you can't be good at everything, can you?

Contenders ready...

Make a plank!

Henry's away. Forward, back, forward, back, forward, back and King Henry

taking an early lead. Just look at that magnificent technique,

like he was born with a rudimentary wood cutting device in his hand.

Forward, back, forward, back, forward, back, he's going

through that piece of wood like it was...

Well, a piece of wood, only really fast.

Oh, and there it is, the crowning glory.

Let's see that again.

Forget Henry VIII, you've just witnessed Henry the first.

Magnificent!

Yep, still boring!

I'm the best at everything!

I think it's his humility that makes him so popular.

Right, you!

Wrestling, now!

Argh!

-Take that!

-Ow!

And that!

That really will be a sore bottom!

I was something of an athlete in my youth. In fact, you might even

consider me the first modern sportsman.

Do you know which piece of kit I was the first person to own?

The answer is A.

Yes, I was the first person to own a pair of football boots.

The footballs themselves were made out of pig's bladder, like a sausage.

Hmm, it's a bit sausagey.

-I did.

-I'm not surprised.

Yes, it's true, Henry went off fighting the French

and won some great victories.

But sometimes, his first wife,

Catherine of Aragon, was even more successful in battle.

Not that Henry was jealous of Catherine at all.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

A feast! A feast!

Let us celebrate my great victory against the French

at the Battle of the Spurs.

I don't know if I'd call it a great victory, Your Majesty.

I mean, there weren't that many of them

and they ran away pretty much immediately.

It was a great victory!

Like King Arthur, I have conquered all before me in battle.

Henry, you're back!

I have won a great victory, Catherine.

I heard. Aren't you the big hero?

Absolutely.

Good. So, promise you won't get annoyed.

Certainly not! Nothing can dampen my mood.

I have won a great victory!

I am sure you have, and I want you to focus on that.

Mmm.

Why?

Well, while you were away, we had a bit of trouble.

It was nothing...

What trouble? Who with?

Oh, just, er...Scotland.

Scotland? Our mortal enemy?

Why, I shall crush them and their treacherous king.

Come, to war!

Erm...there's no need, actually.

We kind of already beat them.

You did what?

I don't know why everyone is calling it a battle.

They're calling it a battle?

Si, si. They call it the Battle of Flodden Field.

Oh, good title.

Or...something.

But your battle sounds much more interesting.

It's kind of funny when you think about it, Your Majesty.

I mean, while you were in France desperately trying to make

a name for yourself in battle, your wife

won a stunning victory, secured our borders and killed our worst enemy.

Which, when you really think about it a bit more,

actually turns out not to be funny at all.

Our battle was a very serious battle.

The enemy numbered some 7,000 men.

How exciting!

Yes.

Erm, how many, erm...? How many enemy Scots were there

in, erm, in your battle?

Oh, well, it's not really about numbers.

No, no.

But how many?

30,000.

Wow! So that's, erm, four times as many as you fought.

Yes, I can do the mathematics, thank you.

Cheer up, Henry! Look, I have the Scottish King's bloodstained coat!

Ha!

Oh, forget it. You've ruined my whole battle success.

Shame. I mean, I was so looking forward to coming back and...

But I thought we could make it into bunting to celebrate your big,

much more important battle.

I wouldn't call it a battle.

It was a battle...

..OK?

Whatever you say, Your Majesty.

Henry wasn't the only big personality

ruling at the time - over in China,

Emperor Zhengde was totally in charge and totally out of control.

You've guessed it, he's another one of history's craziest fools.

Henry VIII. This fool was definitely crazy.

He got up to plenty of stupid stuff.

I said you could borrow it, mate, all right? Not keep it.

But that don't mean we should go easy on the dumb mugs

who were around at the same time, all right?

Look at this brother.

This is Chinese Emperor Zhengde. When he was born in 1491,

many wise people predicted he would become a great and benevolent ruler.

You're wrong!

Zhengde was so stupid, he ordered his men to store all

the gunpowder in the courtyard of his palace, yeah...

in the middle of a lantern festival!

Oh, no!

Crazy fire hazard, fool!

What is wrong with your mind and your brain?

Unfortunately for everyone else, Zhengde survived.

Here he is playing hide and seek in his palace...

with a live tiger!

What's going on? There's a tiger in the palace!

Zhengde deliberately let wildcats loose in his house

so he could hunt them and stuff.

How's that working out for you, Zhengde?

Argh!

Tigers - one. Fools - zero!

Ho-ho, no!

Sadly, Zhengde survived again.

What's he made of, this guy?

Then he got drunk and fell off a boat.

Yep, you guessed it. He survived...

but then he got sick from the water and then he died.

All is well that ends well,

but history has got plenty more crazy fools like Zhengde.

So, stay focused, stay sharp and stay away from stupid.

That's great, thank you. Thank you so much, guys.

Oh, what a day!

Back in England, Henry was desperate for a son to succeed him

and asked Catherine of Aragon for a divorce

because she couldn't have any more children, but she refused.

So, he turned to his chief minister, Cardinal Wolsey for help.

Wolsey had become rich and famous by doing whatever the king wanted,

but he was so powerful, people started to wonder

if he was too big for his boots.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to tell us the secrets

of my...his success, it's me!

Oh, bless you. Thank you!

Please, please, settle down, settle down.

As you all know, I am Cardinal Wolsey.

But what you probably didn't know is that

I was born the son of an Ipswich butcher.

But now I am King Henry VIII's most trusted advisor.

But how did I do it?

Easy - 20 years' hard work and two simple rules. Stick!

Give me my stick!

Two simple rules. Rule number one - always agree with the king.

OK? Really, very crucial.

And rule number two -

never disagree with the king.

Thank you very much! That's all from me.

Thank you and goodnight. Peace.

Hang on, what about agreeing with the king's wife?

What? Um, erm...

Look, I...I really am rather busy being a cardinal, erm, mate.

I can't be agreeing with the king AND Catherine of Aragon.

I've just spent five years trying to arrange their divorce!

Right, I'm off to go and ignore some women.

-Yeah, goodbye, thanks.

-Oi, wily Wolsey!

-Oh.

-You're nicked in the name of the king.

-Why?

Anne Boleyn. She's sick of waiting for you to get permission

from the Pope to marry Henry.

Even her ladies-in-waiting are sick of waiting.

We'll have a rethink. Well, we'll have a rethink.

Oh, and the king's moving into your palace in Hampton Court.

-Come on.

-No! Haven't you heard about rule number three?

Don't build a palace bigger than the king's. He's written it down!

He's... So in conclusion, follow these simple rules

and you too could end up like me!

Oh, my arm! I'm a cardinal!

So, Henry got rid of Wolsey and replaced him

with the cunning Thomas Cromwell.

Cromwell made Henry the head of the Church of England

so Henry could divorce Catherine of Aragon and take the church's land

and money for himself in what is known as the English Reformation.

Hmm, the Tudor cheek of it!

Now Henry could marry his beloved Anne Boleyn,

get loads more power and a whole load more cash.

Take it away, Your Majesty...

# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

# Want to get my hands on all their money, please

# A little less Pope, a lot more king

# I sure do hope to grab their bling

# Cos war with France is what'll satisfy me

# And that sure is pricey

# Passed a law so the Pope's been banned

# Now I'm top dog in the Church of England

# It's going swell

# I ain't got the blues

# Unless you count my jousting bruise

# Got rid of Anne, her head to lose

# To get my kicks at 36, I'm up to my old violent tricks

# The church is mine, so's this stuff

# They're about to find that I play rough

# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

# I want to get my hands on all their money, please

# A little more king, a lot less nuns

# I'll sell their land to buy more guns

# Cos war with France is what'll satisfy me

# And that sure is pricey

# For the church this won't end well

# I'm sending in my man Cromwell

# With suspicious minds

# And a pack of lies

# He'll ignore their desperate cries

# Then take their land for my prize

# Refusing me is kinda treasonable

# But I'm the guy who can be reasonable

# I'll offer pensions, payment schemes

# But crush the monks who block my dreams

# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

# I want to get my hands on all their money, please

# If those abbots don't change tack

# I'll send them to the jail house rack

# They'd better ditch the Pope and recognise me

# Yeah, recognise me

-# So chuck out the monk

-The monk, the monk

-# Chuck out the monk

-The monk, the monk

# Some may quit if they can

# The rest I'll squash in my hand

# Yes, that means they'll be slaughtered

# Even hung, drawn and quartered

# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

# I want to get my hands on all their money, please

# I'll flood the buildings, sell the gold

# Close the libraries - those books are old

# There's nothing you can do to try and stop me

# Cos I'm King Henry

# Oh, mamma!

# A little more reformation, please? #

Henry was desperate for Anne Boleyn to have a son

to take over as king when he died.

So after just three years of marriage, he gave her the chop

because she could only give him a daughter. Charming.

Meanwhile, over in Turkey, the mighty Ottoman Empire

was on the rise, led by the great Suleiman the Magnificent

who was pretty magnificent.

Although he did have some strange ideas about deciding

who would take over from him.

Now then, my sons, what is the name of the greatest empire in the world?

The Ottoman Empire!

And you are the sultan - Suleiman the Magnificent!

Indeed I am, and I have fought many battles with many enemies,

which is why our empire stretches from North Africa,

across Egypt, into Persia and all the way up into Hungary.

Yeah!

Who's magnificent? This guy!

And one day after I die, one of you will be sultan just like me.

Maybe you? Maybe you?

Maybe you?

It all depends which one of you manages to kill

all the others first...

and all your uncles and male cousins,

because the law says if you are the sultan,

strangling your male relatives is not murder.

It's a necessary slaughter to ensure the stability of the empire.

Family huggle?

(He's crazy!)

What, something I said?

The problem with being number one is that people are always

trying to take my job.

So, what do I do to prevent being assassinated?

The answer is A.

I get my servants to stab the mattress with their daggers

to make sure no-one's hiding underneath.

They also sprinkle the sheets with holy water

to give me God's protection.

Oh, and I also sleep with a couple of weapons behind my pillow.

Hang on...

Why do you want to know about all this?

Who are you working for?!

I don't like it!

Nobody want that?

This week, big fat Tudor Henry is getting married again

after the death of his third wife, Jane Seymour -

if chief minister Thomas Cromwell can talk him into it.

Her name's Anne of Cleves. She's a nice protestant girl.

Oh, I don't know, Crommers.

I've only just lost my third wife, Jane Seymour,

and now I've got the male heir I want.

I'd need a pretty good reason to marry someone else.

Well, how about to secure an alliance against the Pope

and to ensure the survival of the Church of England?

No, I mean, you know, she'd have to be well fit.

Well...

Oh...

She hasn't got a younger sister, has she?

Erm, yes.

Oh...

All right, I'll have that one.

Good choice, Sire!

With the portrait of Anne having done the trick,

it's time for Henry to meet his bride.

Now remember, she's German, so quite straight-laced.

Don't worry, I've done this before. Ready, boys?

-Oh, yeah!

-No, no, no, no, please!

The entire English Reformation depends upon this marriage, Sire.

And...

Row, ray, row, ray, row, ray, row, row, ray, row, raaay!

It's me! Your new husband.

Oh.

Oh.

Anne's not impressed...

..and neither is Henry.

But the wedding plans are well under way.

She looks nothing like her portrait.

Well, to be fair, Sire, neither do you.

I mean, your legs are thinner, your belly is much fatter now and your...

Do you like your head where it is, Crommers?

Yes.

Good.

Unable to wiggle out of the wedding, Henry says, "I do."

Congratulations, Sire! England is safe!

Yes, unlike your head.

What?

Oh, no, please!

Anne, there's something I wanted to say. The thing is...

It's not you, it's me.

Hang on, I was going to say that.

I guess I'm just not the marrying sort.

I mean, you're clearly a nice person...

I was going to say that, too.

So, great, how about a quick divorce?

Perfect, I'll get my people onto it.

Crikey, who's that?

Hello!

Next week, My Big Fat Tudor Wedding -

Henry gets married again to Anne's former

lady-in-waiting, Catherine Howard.

And the week after that, he'll probably marry someone else...again!

Yes, incredibly, Henry was married six times and his last wife,

Catherine Parr, had to look after him when he became really ill.

Unfortunately, Tudor medicine wasn't very advanced

and couldn't help him get better

and it wasn't much use for ordinary people, either.

Ah, Mrs Carver, isn't it?

Yes! Is Dr Hannity not available?

Well, he was so tired after his golfing holiday

that he's had to take another holiday.

I'm Mr Crevic, his replacement, from the reign of Henry VIII.

What can I do for you, young man? Scurvy, is it?

Oh, he's a bit under the weather, doctor.

Bit of a sore throat.

Argh, the lurgy! Get him out of here!

I don't think it's the lurgy,

just something that's going round at school.

Most of the football team have had it.

Mm, that doesn't sound like the lurgy.

Oh, well, you're the doctor.

Well, mostly a ship surgeon, to be honest.

I'm mostly about cutting limbs off.

-Would you like me to remove any of your legs?

-No!

-How about an arm?

-I need them both!

Let me think...

Yeah, here we go.

Come on, row boys!

Mum, he's like a total lunch box.

Shush, dear, it's on the NHS.

Are you quite sure you don't want me to cut something off?

-Couple of fingers?

-No!

Pff...

I'm out of here.

Hey, come back here!

I'm so sorry.

Ah-choo!

Oh, dear, first sign of the lurgy.

Right, let's take me leg off. You've had your time!

Here you go! Do, do, do, do, do, do...

Oh! Actually, that is rather painful!

Oh...

Oh, that's got to hurt!

Yes, life could be pretty brutal during the time of Henry VIII,

especially if you were one of his wives.

Henry died aged 55

and passed his crown onto his only son, Edward VI.

I wonder what old Big Head Henry himself

would make of his reign? Hmm...

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, my grisly interviews

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, they're dead and famous too! #

Oh, Ken, you might want to check your teeth, you've just got

a teeny wee bit of spinach in your...

It's just...just to the side.

No-one'll notice. Hello, hello and welcome back.

Time for my next guest, the former King of England, Henry VIII!

Henry, dead pleased to see you, to see you...

..dead! You're supposed to all shout dead!

Honestly, Henry, the atmosphere's like a funeral in here,

which of course is appropriate, because you are dead.

Thanks for reminding me.

So, tell us, Deady...

I mean, Henry!

How would you like to be remembered?

I'd like to be remembered as a handsome, athletic king

who bravely defied Rome and became the leader of the Church of England.

So, not as a fat bloke who went through wives like most

people go through toothbrushes?

Oh, the wives, the wives!

That's all anyone wants to talk about!

This is awks-ward! We've got one here today.

See if you can guess - which one is Anne Boleyn?

Look, I suggest you take this seriously.

I am taking it seriously. I'm very GRAVE.

Very grave! Come on, seriously?

I will not stand for this!

You're right, I went too far. What would you like to say?

Come on, this is your big moment.

Well...

-Argh!

-Ha-ha, look at him go!

The bigger they are, the harder they fall, ha-ha!

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, hope next time it's not you! #

Then he got drunk and fell off a boat...

HE LAUGHS Sorry.

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #