Horrid Henry VIII Special Horrible Histories


Horrid Henry VIII Special

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Horrible Histories presents...

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-Oh!

-Get up!

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You must have planned that!

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From the kingdom that brought you Henry I, Henry II, Henry III,

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Henry IV...you get the idea.

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Henry VII and VIII in...

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Son Henry, it's time you learnt the business of kingship.

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Oh, boring!

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There's one or two golden rules to successful kingship.

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Number one - war.

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War?

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Avoid it!

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Oh, but it's the only fun bit!

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Hey, hey, hey, uh, uh, uh!

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It costs too much.

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Who cares how much it costs? You get your own army!

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Hi-ya!

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Can't we get back to talking about my own army?

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No!

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You don't think it's easy, ending a long dynastic war

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and ruling a country, do you?

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Must be easier than sitting here listening to you talk about it.

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Since your brother Arthur's death, you're next in line to be king.

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You need to shape up a little.

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You must learn the family business.

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The family business? Dull!

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You need to raise lots of tax.

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That entails a certain amount of administration.

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I literally just went to boredom hell

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and it was exactly the same as my life.

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What you want to do is make peace.

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I've spent my lifetime making this country run effectively

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within its means.

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People respect me across the aristocracy.

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The country is financially stable and we have peace!

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Oh, Henry!

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Find out what happens next...now!

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So, after his dad kicked the bucket, Henry VIII became king

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when he was just 18 years old.

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At the start of his reign, Henry was known for being handsome,

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dashing and a brilliant sportsman - a bit like me.

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What?

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Welcome to HH TV Sport.

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Here are the results so far.

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The fencing has been won by King Henry VIII.

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Jousting was won by...

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Henry VIII.

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The archery has been won by...

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King Henry VIII.

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The tennis was won by...

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King Henry VIII. Probably playing himself.

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And the making cobblestones with a steel hammer...

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It's King Henry VIII!

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What a king!

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But the big question is, can he repeat his victory in the wrestling?

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And you join us here,

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Henry, our monarch, is really mangling this opponent.

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Oh! Power slam! And his opponent is not even a wrestler.

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That guy is just a spectator who said Henry was only winning

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because people let him.

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Think again, sunshine! Regal wrestling brilliance.

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Your Majesty... TRUMPET FANFARE

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The king is a fantastic athlete and is about to compete in today's

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biggest sporting event, the wood sawing.

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But first up, here's what he had to say

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when I caught up with him earlier today.

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Confident?

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Well, there are no easy matches in competitive wood sawing,

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but, yes, I am confident.

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About everything.

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Oh.

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Any game plan for the match ahead?

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Well, my plan was to saw the wood in half.

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Stop me if I'm getting too technical.

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What have you done to train for this event? Tell me.

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I have mostly just been sawing things in half.

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Now...

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Do you know what this is?

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That's my SAW bottom.

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-That's a competitive wood cutter's joke.

-Oh...

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Well, you can't be good at everything, can you?

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Contenders ready...

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Make a plank!

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Henry's away. Forward, back, forward, back, forward, back and King Henry

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taking an early lead. Just look at that magnificent technique,

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like he was born with a rudimentary wood cutting device in his hand.

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Forward, back, forward, back, forward, back, he's going

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through that piece of wood like it was...

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Well, a piece of wood, only really fast.

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Oh, and there it is, the crowning glory.

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Let's see that again.

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Forget Henry VIII, you've just witnessed Henry the first.

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Magnificent!

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Yep, still boring!

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I'm the best at everything!

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I think it's his humility that makes him so popular.

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Right, you!

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Wrestling, now!

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Argh!

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-Take that!

-Ow!

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And that!

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That really will be a sore bottom!

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I was something of an athlete in my youth. In fact, you might even

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consider me the first modern sportsman.

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Do you know which piece of kit I was the first person to own?

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The answer is A.

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Yes, I was the first person to own a pair of football boots.

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The footballs themselves were made out of pig's bladder, like a sausage.

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Hmm, it's a bit sausagey.

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-I did.

-I'm not surprised.

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Yes, it's true, Henry went off fighting the French

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and won some great victories.

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But sometimes, his first wife,

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Catherine of Aragon, was even more successful in battle.

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Not that Henry was jealous of Catherine at all.

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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A feast! A feast!

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Let us celebrate my great victory against the French

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at the Battle of the Spurs.

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I don't know if I'd call it a great victory, Your Majesty.

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I mean, there weren't that many of them

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and they ran away pretty much immediately.

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It was a great victory!

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Like King Arthur, I have conquered all before me in battle.

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Henry, you're back!

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I have won a great victory, Catherine.

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I heard. Aren't you the big hero?

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Absolutely.

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Good. So, promise you won't get annoyed.

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Certainly not! Nothing can dampen my mood.

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I have won a great victory!

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I am sure you have, and I want you to focus on that.

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Mmm.

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Why?

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Well, while you were away, we had a bit of trouble.

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It was nothing...

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What trouble? Who with?

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Oh, just, er...Scotland.

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Scotland? Our mortal enemy?

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Why, I shall crush them and their treacherous king.

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Come, to war!

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Erm...there's no need, actually.

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We kind of already beat them.

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You did what?

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I don't know why everyone is calling it a battle.

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They're calling it a battle?

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Si, si. They call it the Battle of Flodden Field.

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Oh, good title.

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Or...something.

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But your battle sounds much more interesting.

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It's kind of funny when you think about it, Your Majesty.

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I mean, while you were in France desperately trying to make

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a name for yourself in battle, your wife

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won a stunning victory, secured our borders and killed our worst enemy.

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Which, when you really think about it a bit more,

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actually turns out not to be funny at all.

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Our battle was a very serious battle.

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The enemy numbered some 7,000 men.

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How exciting!

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Yes.

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Erm, how many, erm...? How many enemy Scots were there

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in, erm, in your battle?

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Oh, well, it's not really about numbers.

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No, no.

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But how many?

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30,000.

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Wow! So that's, erm, four times as many as you fought.

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Yes, I can do the mathematics, thank you.

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Cheer up, Henry! Look, I have the Scottish King's bloodstained coat!

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Ha!

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Oh, forget it. You've ruined my whole battle success.

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Shame. I mean, I was so looking forward to coming back and...

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But I thought we could make it into bunting to celebrate your big,

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much more important battle.

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I wouldn't call it a battle.

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It was a battle...

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..OK?

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Whatever you say, Your Majesty.

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Henry wasn't the only big personality

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ruling at the time - over in China,

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Emperor Zhengde was totally in charge and totally out of control.

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You've guessed it, he's another one of history's craziest fools.

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Henry VIII. This fool was definitely crazy.

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He got up to plenty of stupid stuff.

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I said you could borrow it, mate, all right? Not keep it.

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But that don't mean we should go easy on the dumb mugs

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who were around at the same time, all right?

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Look at this brother.

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This is Chinese Emperor Zhengde. When he was born in 1491,

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many wise people predicted he would become a great and benevolent ruler.

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You're wrong!

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Zhengde was so stupid, he ordered his men to store all

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the gunpowder in the courtyard of his palace, yeah...

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in the middle of a lantern festival!

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Oh, no!

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Crazy fire hazard, fool!

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What is wrong with your mind and your brain?

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Unfortunately for everyone else, Zhengde survived.

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Here he is playing hide and seek in his palace...

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with a live tiger!

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What's going on? There's a tiger in the palace!

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Zhengde deliberately let wildcats loose in his house

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so he could hunt them and stuff.

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How's that working out for you, Zhengde?

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Argh!

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Tigers - one. Fools - zero!

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Ho-ho, no!

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Sadly, Zhengde survived again.

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What's he made of, this guy?

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Then he got drunk and fell off a boat.

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Yep, you guessed it. He survived...

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but then he got sick from the water and then he died.

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All is well that ends well,

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but history has got plenty more crazy fools like Zhengde.

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So, stay focused, stay sharp and stay away from stupid.

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That's great, thank you. Thank you so much, guys.

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Oh, what a day!

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Back in England, Henry was desperate for a son to succeed him

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and asked Catherine of Aragon for a divorce

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because she couldn't have any more children, but she refused.

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So, he turned to his chief minister, Cardinal Wolsey for help.

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Wolsey had become rich and famous by doing whatever the king wanted,

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but he was so powerful, people started to wonder

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if he was too big for his boots.

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Ladies and gentlemen, here to tell us the secrets

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of my...his success, it's me!

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Oh, bless you. Thank you!

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Please, please, settle down, settle down.

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As you all know, I am Cardinal Wolsey.

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But what you probably didn't know is that

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I was born the son of an Ipswich butcher.

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But now I am King Henry VIII's most trusted advisor.

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But how did I do it?

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Easy - 20 years' hard work and two simple rules. Stick!

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Give me my stick!

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Two simple rules. Rule number one - always agree with the king.

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OK? Really, very crucial.

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And rule number two -

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never disagree with the king.

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Thank you very much! That's all from me.

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Thank you and goodnight. Peace.

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Hang on, what about agreeing with the king's wife?

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What? Um, erm...

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Look, I...I really am rather busy being a cardinal, erm, mate.

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I can't be agreeing with the king AND Catherine of Aragon.

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I've just spent five years trying to arrange their divorce!

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Right, I'm off to go and ignore some women.

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-Yeah, goodbye, thanks.

-Oi, wily Wolsey!

-Oh.

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-You're nicked in the name of the king.

-Why?

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Anne Boleyn. She's sick of waiting for you to get permission

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from the Pope to marry Henry.

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Even her ladies-in-waiting are sick of waiting.

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We'll have a rethink. Well, we'll have a rethink.

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Oh, and the king's moving into your palace in Hampton Court.

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-Come on.

-No! Haven't you heard about rule number three?

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Don't build a palace bigger than the king's. He's written it down!

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He's... So in conclusion, follow these simple rules

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and you too could end up like me!

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Oh, my arm! I'm a cardinal!

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So, Henry got rid of Wolsey and replaced him

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with the cunning Thomas Cromwell.

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Cromwell made Henry the head of the Church of England

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so Henry could divorce Catherine of Aragon and take the church's land

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and money for himself in what is known as the English Reformation.

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Hmm, the Tudor cheek of it!

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Now Henry could marry his beloved Anne Boleyn,

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get loads more power and a whole load more cash.

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Take it away, Your Majesty...

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# Want to get my hands on all their money, please

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# A little less Pope, a lot more king

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# I sure do hope to grab their bling

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# Cos war with France is what'll satisfy me

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# And that sure is pricey

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# Passed a law so the Pope's been banned

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# Now I'm top dog in the Church of England

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# It's going swell

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# I ain't got the blues

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# Unless you count my jousting bruise

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# Got rid of Anne, her head to lose

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# To get my kicks at 36, I'm up to my old violent tricks

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# The church is mine, so's this stuff

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# They're about to find that I play rough

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# I want to get my hands on all their money, please

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# A little more king, a lot less nuns

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# I'll sell their land to buy more guns

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# Cos war with France is what'll satisfy me

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# And that sure is pricey

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# For the church this won't end well

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# I'm sending in my man Cromwell

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# With suspicious minds

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# And a pack of lies

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# He'll ignore their desperate cries

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# Then take their land for my prize

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# Refusing me is kinda treasonable

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# But I'm the guy who can be reasonable

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# I'll offer pensions, payment schemes

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# But crush the monks who block my dreams

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# I want to get my hands on all their money, please

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# If those abbots don't change tack

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# I'll send them to the jail house rack

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# They'd better ditch the Pope and recognise me

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# Yeah, recognise me

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-# So chuck out the monk

-The monk, the monk

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-# Chuck out the monk

-The monk, the monk

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# Some may quit if they can

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# The rest I'll squash in my hand

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# Yes, that means they'll be slaughtered

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# Even hung, drawn and quartered

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# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries

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# I want to get my hands on all their money, please

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# I'll flood the buildings, sell the gold

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# Close the libraries - those books are old

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# There's nothing you can do to try and stop me

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# Cos I'm King Henry

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# Oh, mamma!

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# A little more reformation, please? #

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Henry was desperate for Anne Boleyn to have a son

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to take over as king when he died.

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So after just three years of marriage, he gave her the chop

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because she could only give him a daughter. Charming.

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Meanwhile, over in Turkey, the mighty Ottoman Empire

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was on the rise, led by the great Suleiman the Magnificent

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who was pretty magnificent.

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Although he did have some strange ideas about deciding

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who would take over from him.

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Now then, my sons, what is the name of the greatest empire in the world?

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The Ottoman Empire!

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And you are the sultan - Suleiman the Magnificent!

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Indeed I am, and I have fought many battles with many enemies,

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which is why our empire stretches from North Africa,

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across Egypt, into Persia and all the way up into Hungary.

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Yeah!

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Who's magnificent? This guy!

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And one day after I die, one of you will be sultan just like me.

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Maybe you? Maybe you?

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Maybe you?

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It all depends which one of you manages to kill

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all the others first...

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and all your uncles and male cousins,

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because the law says if you are the sultan,

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strangling your male relatives is not murder.

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It's a necessary slaughter to ensure the stability of the empire.

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Family huggle?

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(He's crazy!)

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What, something I said?

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The problem with being number one is that people are always

0:19:270:19:31

trying to take my job.

0:19:310:19:34

So, what do I do to prevent being assassinated?

0:19:340:19:37

The answer is A.

0:19:530:19:55

I get my servants to stab the mattress with their daggers

0:19:550:19:58

to make sure no-one's hiding underneath.

0:19:580:20:01

They also sprinkle the sheets with holy water

0:20:010:20:04

to give me God's protection.

0:20:040:20:06

Oh, and I also sleep with a couple of weapons behind my pillow.

0:20:060:20:10

Hang on...

0:20:110:20:13

Why do you want to know about all this?

0:20:130:20:15

Who are you working for?!

0:20:150:20:17

I don't like it!

0:20:350:20:36

Nobody want that?

0:20:380:20:39

This week, big fat Tudor Henry is getting married again

0:20:420:20:45

after the death of his third wife, Jane Seymour -

0:20:450:20:47

if chief minister Thomas Cromwell can talk him into it.

0:20:470:20:50

Her name's Anne of Cleves. She's a nice protestant girl.

0:20:500:20:54

Oh, I don't know, Crommers.

0:20:540:20:57

I've only just lost my third wife, Jane Seymour,

0:20:570:21:00

and now I've got the male heir I want.

0:21:000:21:02

I'd need a pretty good reason to marry someone else.

0:21:020:21:05

Well, how about to secure an alliance against the Pope

0:21:050:21:08

and to ensure the survival of the Church of England?

0:21:080:21:11

No, I mean, you know, she'd have to be well fit.

0:21:110:21:14

Well...

0:21:140:21:15

Oh...

0:21:170:21:19

She hasn't got a younger sister, has she?

0:21:190:21:21

Erm, yes.

0:21:210:21:22

Oh...

0:21:250:21:27

All right, I'll have that one.

0:21:270:21:28

Good choice, Sire!

0:21:280:21:30

With the portrait of Anne having done the trick,

0:21:300:21:33

it's time for Henry to meet his bride.

0:21:330:21:35

Now remember, she's German, so quite straight-laced.

0:21:350:21:38

Don't worry, I've done this before. Ready, boys?

0:21:380:21:41

-Oh, yeah!

-No, no, no, no, please!

0:21:410:21:43

The entire English Reformation depends upon this marriage, Sire.

0:21:430:21:46

And...

0:21:460:21:47

Row, ray, row, ray, row, ray, row, row, ray, row, raaay!

0:21:470:21:53

It's me! Your new husband.

0:21:550:21:57

Oh.

0:21:580:21:59

Oh.

0:21:590:22:01

Anne's not impressed...

0:22:010:22:02

..and neither is Henry.

0:22:040:22:05

But the wedding plans are well under way.

0:22:050:22:07

She looks nothing like her portrait.

0:22:070:22:09

Well, to be fair, Sire, neither do you.

0:22:090:22:13

I mean, your legs are thinner, your belly is much fatter now and your...

0:22:130:22:18

Do you like your head where it is, Crommers?

0:22:180:22:20

Yes.

0:22:200:22:21

Good.

0:22:210:22:23

Unable to wiggle out of the wedding, Henry says, "I do."

0:22:240:22:27

Congratulations, Sire! England is safe!

0:22:300:22:35

Yes, unlike your head.

0:22:350:22:37

What?

0:22:370:22:39

Oh, no, please!

0:22:390:22:41

Anne, there's something I wanted to say. The thing is...

0:22:420:22:46

It's not you, it's me.

0:22:460:22:47

Hang on, I was going to say that.

0:22:470:22:49

I guess I'm just not the marrying sort.

0:22:490:22:52

I mean, you're clearly a nice person...

0:22:520:22:54

I was going to say that, too.

0:22:540:22:55

So, great, how about a quick divorce?

0:22:550:22:57

Perfect, I'll get my people onto it.

0:22:570:23:00

Crikey, who's that?

0:23:020:23:04

Hello!

0:23:070:23:09

Next week, My Big Fat Tudor Wedding -

0:23:140:23:16

Henry gets married again to Anne's former

0:23:160:23:19

lady-in-waiting, Catherine Howard.

0:23:190:23:22

And the week after that, he'll probably marry someone else...again!

0:23:220:23:26

Yes, incredibly, Henry was married six times and his last wife,

0:23:260:23:31

Catherine Parr, had to look after him when he became really ill.

0:23:310:23:35

Unfortunately, Tudor medicine wasn't very advanced

0:23:350:23:37

and couldn't help him get better

0:23:370:23:39

and it wasn't much use for ordinary people, either.

0:23:390:23:42

Ah, Mrs Carver, isn't it?

0:23:480:23:49

Yes! Is Dr Hannity not available?

0:23:490:23:52

Well, he was so tired after his golfing holiday

0:23:520:23:54

that he's had to take another holiday.

0:23:540:23:56

I'm Mr Crevic, his replacement, from the reign of Henry VIII.

0:23:560:24:00

What can I do for you, young man? Scurvy, is it?

0:24:000:24:02

Oh, he's a bit under the weather, doctor.

0:24:020:24:05

Bit of a sore throat.

0:24:050:24:07

Argh, the lurgy! Get him out of here!

0:24:070:24:10

I don't think it's the lurgy,

0:24:100:24:11

just something that's going round at school.

0:24:110:24:13

Most of the football team have had it.

0:24:130:24:16

Mm, that doesn't sound like the lurgy.

0:24:160:24:19

Oh, well, you're the doctor.

0:24:190:24:21

Well, mostly a ship surgeon, to be honest.

0:24:210:24:23

I'm mostly about cutting limbs off.

0:24:230:24:25

-Would you like me to remove any of your legs?

-No!

0:24:250:24:28

-How about an arm?

-I need them both!

0:24:280:24:30

Let me think...

0:24:300:24:31

Yeah, here we go.

0:24:310:24:33

Come on, row boys!

0:24:330:24:35

Mum, he's like a total lunch box.

0:24:350:24:37

Shush, dear, it's on the NHS.

0:24:370:24:39

Are you quite sure you don't want me to cut something off?

0:24:390:24:42

-Couple of fingers?

-No!

0:24:420:24:44

Pff...

0:24:440:24:45

I'm out of here.

0:24:450:24:47

Hey, come back here!

0:24:470:24:49

I'm so sorry.

0:24:490:24:51

Ah-choo!

0:24:520:24:53

Oh, dear, first sign of the lurgy.

0:24:540:24:57

Right, let's take me leg off. You've had your time!

0:24:570:25:01

Here you go! Do, do, do, do, do, do...

0:25:010:25:03

Oh! Actually, that is rather painful!

0:25:030:25:07

Oh...

0:25:070:25:08

Oh, that's got to hurt!

0:25:100:25:13

Yes, life could be pretty brutal during the time of Henry VIII,

0:25:130:25:16

especially if you were one of his wives.

0:25:160:25:19

Henry died aged 55

0:25:190:25:22

and passed his crown onto his only son, Edward VI.

0:25:220:25:25

I wonder what old Big Head Henry himself

0:25:250:25:28

would make of his reign? Hmm...

0:25:280:25:30

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, my grisly interviews

0:25:330:25:38

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, they're dead and famous too! #

0:25:380:25:42

Oh, Ken, you might want to check your teeth, you've just got

0:25:430:25:46

a teeny wee bit of spinach in your...

0:25:460:25:49

It's just...just to the side.

0:25:490:25:51

No-one'll notice. Hello, hello and welcome back.

0:25:510:25:55

Time for my next guest, the former King of England, Henry VIII!

0:25:550:26:00

Henry, dead pleased to see you, to see you...

0:26:030:26:06

..dead! You're supposed to all shout dead!

0:26:080:26:11

Honestly, Henry, the atmosphere's like a funeral in here,

0:26:110:26:15

which of course is appropriate, because you are dead.

0:26:150:26:18

Thanks for reminding me.

0:26:180:26:20

So, tell us, Deady...

0:26:200:26:21

I mean, Henry!

0:26:210:26:23

How would you like to be remembered?

0:26:230:26:26

I'd like to be remembered as a handsome, athletic king

0:26:260:26:30

who bravely defied Rome and became the leader of the Church of England.

0:26:300:26:34

So, not as a fat bloke who went through wives like most

0:26:340:26:37

people go through toothbrushes?

0:26:370:26:39

Oh, the wives, the wives!

0:26:390:26:40

That's all anyone wants to talk about!

0:26:400:26:42

This is awks-ward! We've got one here today.

0:26:420:26:46

See if you can guess - which one is Anne Boleyn?

0:26:460:26:49

Look, I suggest you take this seriously.

0:26:520:26:54

I am taking it seriously. I'm very GRAVE.

0:26:540:26:57

Very grave! Come on, seriously?

0:26:590:27:02

I will not stand for this!

0:27:020:27:04

You're right, I went too far. What would you like to say?

0:27:040:27:07

Come on, this is your big moment.

0:27:070:27:09

Well...

0:27:090:27:11

-Argh!

-Ha-ha, look at him go!

0:27:110:27:13

The bigger they are, the harder they fall, ha-ha!

0:27:130:27:17

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, hope next time it's not you! #

0:27:170:27:21

Then he got drunk and fell off a boat...

0:27:300:27:32

HE LAUGHS Sorry.

0:27:320:27:35

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:27:350:27:38

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

0:27:380:27:42

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