Crafty Cleopatra Special Horrible Histories

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FANFARE

Horrible Histories presents...

In the land of the pharaohs,

a family destined to rule.

Welcome to...

Cleopatra, my daughter, Daddy's little...

Daddy's little queen.

Daddy's little princess.

No, no, Daddy's little queen -

we're getting married.

Bit weird.

Still weird.

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

Just makes my rule stronger

if my heir is also my queen.

Now I can rule for years.

Ah...

The king is dead.

At least I'm not married to my dad any more.

True. Now you're going to marry your little brother.

-Weird again.

-YOU'RE weird.

-You're weird.

-Whatever, Cleo-prat-ra.

-Uh!

-Ah! Ah!

Egyptian burn!

Oh, I hate you!

I hate you more.

Yeah? Well, I'm going to take over Egypt, and get rid of you!

-Yeah? You and whose army?

-Ha!

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, I see.

Find out what happens next, on The Egyptians.

Now.

What, what, what, what's going on? There's a reindeer in the orphanage.

Sometimes in history, you find a person who is so fond of crazy,

foolish behaviour, that they deserve a special mention, yeah?

-So - P-tolemy.

-It's Ptolemy, bruv.

-Who is it?

-Ptolemy.

Oh. Oh, I see. Right.

Ptolemy the 13th of ancient Egypt -

I'm talking about you, you idiot.

Ah, bless. This is Ptolemy showing off,

playing with his sword and that.

I hate you, Cleopatra. I totally hate you!

That's OK, fam - she's your older sister.

You'll get over it!

I declare civil war!

Ah!

Unless you do that. What are you thinking?

Pharaoh fool.

Meet superpower Roman, Julius Caesar.

Ptolemy wanted this guy's help to kill Cleopatra,

so he sent the man a gift.

Nothing crazy about that, yeah?

Everyone loves a gift.

Unless it's your friend's head in a box!

Oh, no!

That head belongs to Roman General Pompey.

Caesar and Pompey had been at war, like, they were fighting and stuff

but they were still friends, yeah?

Crazy fool, Ptolemy. What's wrong with a box of chocolates?

I like the ones that are like

a semicircle with a hazelnut in the top.

Caesar got so mad about the head in a box thing

that he ended up on Cleopatra's side.

You idiot, Ptolemy, what are you doing?

And, when Caesar whooped Ptolemy's behind at the Battle of the Nile,

the kid had no choice. Give it up, son!

Or try and swim away wearing

a full suit of super-heavy armour.

That is not going to work!

So - that was Ptolemy the 13th of Egypt -

the fool that sank without a trace.

Till next week - stay away from stupid, bruv, yeah?

POSH VOICE: What's for lunch?

Chops and chops? I'll have that.

Ptolemy the 13th really did drown trying to swim away in his armour.

He thought he could make it, but he was in de-Nile.

You know - the river, the Nile.

Oh, suit yourself.

So, Cleopatra was left in charge of Egypt.

She was known for being a bit of a hottie -

she had brains as well as beauty.

Mm. Bit like me.

-Name?

-Cleopatra.

-Specialist subject?

-How about everything?

Your questions on the subject of everything begin...

now.

Who was the first astronomer to calculate the size of the earth?

Aristophanes.

Correct. Who was the main character in the Iliad?

Achilles, or in the original Greek, Akhilleus.

I speak nine languages.

Correct, you do.

Which ear-shaped musical instrument was invented by Terpander?

The seven-stringed lyre. I also know how to play it.

SHE PLAYS LYRE

That was beautiful.

What is toxicology?

-The study of poison.

-Correct.

Advanced by Hippocrates, who learned how to control

the absorption of toxic materials.

When are the hard questions coming?

What's a simple quick way to increase a nation's exports?

-Devalue your currency.

-Correct. Who built...

-Alexander the Great.

-Correct. Who...

-Aristotle.

-Correct.

-END-OF-ROUND BUZZER

And at the buzzer....

I answered all my questions correct with no passes.

-Um...correct.

-I'm not just a pretty face.

Now, let's talk a little bit more about poison...

Pass.

So, smitten Caesar went to visit beautiful Cleopatra in Egypt.

When he got there, he might've expected slippery snakes

but not slippery floors. Aha.

Caesar!

Your brother's forces have been defeat...

Oh!

I'm fine. I'm fine!

Your brother's soldiers have been defeated. He has died.

Drowned in the Nile, weighed down by his suit of armour.

No-one will touch you any more.

Consider yourself under the protection of mighty Rome.

I'm fine. I'll pay for that.

You all right?

HE STAMMERS

I'm fine!

I'm afraid the expensive marble floors

of our palaces here in Alexandria

were not designed for your Roman hobnailed boots.

HE SCREAMS

We're fine.

You are, once again,

Queen of...

Once again, you're...

Once again, Queen of Egypt, and with Rome's support, you will stay there.

There's nothing any of your family can do about it.

No-one will be able to take the throne away from you again.

Caesar! How can I repay you?

There is one thing.

Whatever you wish.

The wealth of Egypt is yours - even its queen.

ORNAMENTS SMASH AND CAT MEOWS

Name your price.

Could you put some rugs down...possibly?

You what?

-RIP!

-Oh... they've torn. Oh!

I have a question for you.

When I became pharaoh, aged only 18,

how old was the great pyramid of Giza by that point?

Was it...

And the answer is...

B.

Yes - even before me,

ancient Egypt had been around for 3,000 years.

So the great pyramid is about as old to me

as the Parthenon in Athens is to you.

To think I thought Julius Caesar was old for being in his 50s!

Cleopatra and Caesar eventually got married in Egypt

and she became pregnant - but both the Romans and the Egyptians

had some pretty strange ideas when it came to giving birth.

Aha.

Cleopatra's been in labour now for six hours with her first baby.

Everyone is nervous.

I've never helped the living embodiment

of a god give birth before.

Scary. If something goes wrong, I'll die.

Like, I will literally be killed.

But we've got a bucket of blood, so we should be fine.

Get it nice and high, Diane, cos they come in through the roof.

'We smear it on the walls to keep bad spirits away.'

Just a bit of fun.

I'll get in trouble, though, if I leave it, so...

SHE SOBS

I want Caesar!

I want him to hold my hand.

So I can squeeze it and show him how much it hurts!

I know, Majesty.

But Caesar is still at work,

caught up in some last-minute rebellion crushing.

But he is sending one of his men to throw a spear

that's just killed someone in battle over the house for good luck -

so he is doing everything he can.

-What?

-It's a Roman thing.

Oi! Over the house, not through it!

-Sorry!

-Romans are weird.

-Mm.

Is there enough blood on the walls?

Diane? Blood.

Thankfully, Cleopatra has given birth to a healthy baby boy -

called Caesarion.

Right. Everyone out.

We're locking ourselves in here for seven days,

and burning frankincense and myrrh to keep away evil spirits.

-Seven days?

-Yes.

Ow!

Ah. Sorry - it's just a really tall building.

Oh... It really stings.

They say there's one born every minute -

not like that there isn't.

During the time of Cleopatra,

the ideas of the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius

were growing in popularity -

and he had loads of fans all around the world.

Even if at times he could be Confuciously confusing.

He's the man whose cracking one-liners

are still pulling in the crowds 400 years after he died -

Confucius.

What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.

Cautious people rarely make mistakes.

Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.

It's the Confucius stand-up DVD.

Those lines are hundreds of years old

but they're still so relevant, even today.

-They are classic, they're absolutely classic.

-Yeah.

Yeah, my favourite one was, "Never eat yellow snow."

SHE LAUGHS

-He didn't say that.

-What?

-He didn't say that. He didn't say that.

-He didn't?

-No.

The philosopher who said so many brilliant things that whenever

anything brilliant is said now people think HE come up with it!

Confucius said,

"He who goes to bed with an itchy bottom

"will wake up with a smelly finger"!

That definitely wasn't him.

That is well gross, that is well gross.

Confucius said stuff like

"When a country is run well,

"poverty is a thing to be ashamed of.

"When a country is run badly...

"riches are a thing to be ashamed of."

-Yeah, mine are funnier.

-Confucius - the greatest one-liners in history.

Confucius said, "When many birds flock together - wear a hat."

SHE LAUGHS

-No, he didn't.

-He might've done.

-He didn't say that.

-He might've done.

He didn't say that, he didn't say that.

-In the middle of a sentence, he might've done...

-He didn't say that.

-You weren't there.

-He didn't say that.

The superior man understands what is right -

the inferior man understands what will sell.

And this WILL sell.

Hang on, does that make me inferior?

Oh, who cares?

Cleopatra has arrived in Rome with new beau Julius Caesar,

but there are two problems.

1. Their marriage isn't recognised by Roman law,

and 2. He already has a wife, Calpurnia.

I've got two husbands, what's the problem?

Er...didn't Ptolemy get killed?

Different Ptolemy. I've been married to um...three.

Didn't I tell you I got married again?

This one's my other brother. Egyptian tradition.

Yes. I've got two husbands and Caesar has two wives.

I'm the one in Egypt, and Calpurnia's the one in Rome.

Isn't that right, Caesar?

Simple.

Well, you're in Rome, with him, now.

Yes, and I love it - and they love me.

THEY SCREAM EXCITEDLY

Cleopatra is hotter property than ever,

and her extravagant style is taking Rome by storm.

The homes, the jewels -

the Roman ladies are loving it.

She is so beautiful, and so bling!

I love the Egyptian hairstyles!

But stupid Roman law only lets us girls wear

half an ounce of jewellery.

Cleopatra wears about a bucketful.

We've never felt so inadequate.

We love her!

But it's not just the girls' heads Cleopatra is turning.

-Mark Antony, what are your thoughts on this?

-Hubba-hubba.

-Pardon?

-Put it in my pigeonhole.

But what does Cleopatra think...

I'm just going to...

..about all the male attention?

Mark Antony is the next most powerful man in Rome.

And I heard he drives a chariot pulled by lions.

But seriously, my Caesar's the only man for me.

Get used to me, Rome -

Caesar ain't going nowhere

and neither am I - together forever.

Julius Caesar has been assassinated.

SHE GASPS Oh, no!

Not my beloved!

Oh, the light of my life.

SHE SOBS

Has anyone here seen Mark Antony?

Caesar was assassinated by his rivals in Rome,

and crafty Cleopatra was left all alone.

But not for long. No.

She quickly found herself another Roman general.

You guessed it - Mark Antony.

True, he was already married -

but you've got to move fast to stay on top.

In order to impress Mark Antony,

I once bet him I could consume a meal worth ten million silver coins.

How did I do it?

And the answer is...

B. I swallowed my pearl earring.

Don't try that at home.

The earring was worth ten million silver coins,

so to show him how much money I had,

I dissolved it in vinegar and ate it for my starter.

Life in Rome was certainly extravagant for Cleopatra.

But for ordinary people, it wasn't all glitz and glamour.

Wee!

Gimme a wee!

Anyone?

Oh... You picked the short straw collecting from here, didn't you?

Oh, I don't mind.

Wee's important for my leather work, and someone's got to collect it.

Well, I agree with you there, young man.

It's all part of the great Roman system.

People fill the pots on their streets with wee,

you collect it, and use it to soften the leather

that ends up on the feet and backs

of every soldier and citizen across the empire.

No. The bad luck isn't collecting it -

it's collecting it here.

Oh, it's because a crowded, smelly slum like this

is probably full of thieves? Please.

It is smelly, and I was robbed only moments ago

but that's not why it's unlucky.

OK, I give up. Why is it bad luck to collect around here?

Because the people who live on the higher floors

can't be bothered to come down here to empty their wee buckets.

What would YOU know?

HE SCREAMS

They just chuck it out the window!

HE SCREAMS

Ooh. hat's some top quality wee.

That wee-ly did happen.

HE LAUGHS

But if life in Rome wasn't always as sophisticated as you might think,

over in Britain it was positively primitive,

with some unusual ideas about money.

Hello. Do you sell cows?

-Er...yes, we do, do you want to see our catalogue?

-Yes, please.

Thank you. Hmm...

Yeah, they all look great.

I will take this one, please.

Excellent choice, sir. You have a keen eye.

Er...that'll be two sets, please.

And how much is a set worth these days?

Under the current exchange rate, one set is worth half a cow.

MOOING No, Tatiana!

So, if one set is half a cow and each of your cows cost two sets,

then the cost of one cow from you is...

One cow, precisely.

So one cow costs one cow?

That's it, sir - keen eye and a keen mind.

Well, luckily I have one cow exactly.

Oh. Perfect.

Do you want to save time and just keep that...

Yeah. Yeah, I think I will, actually.

To be honest, I'm beginning to see why the Romans prefer using money.

MOOING

Back in Rome, Caesar's nephew Octavian was growing in power.

And so was his anger at Mark Antony,

who was cuddling up to kissy Queen Cleopatra over in Egypt.

Well jels?

Not really.

Octavian just didn't want to share power with Mark Antony.

But convincing his generals to go to war against another Roman

wasn't going to be easy.

Tell him about that time - you know, the time with the horse?

The horses are lying on the ground, right...? I've got the axe...

Hail... Guys? Guys.

-THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER

-Sorry! Sorry!

Can I have this back, please?

It's my sealskin, and it protects me from lightning strikes.

-Very important.

-ALL: Oooh!

Can we have some quiet, please?

Thank you. Just a brief announcement -

Mark Antony is corrupt

and out of control, guys!

He's an enemy of Rome, and I must insist we go to war!

No, no, no, Mark Antony's a top bloke, a total geezer.

I fought with him in Gaul -

loads of banter, loads of murder, I love it.

I don't care - we're going to war, OK?

He's a traitor and a bigamist. OK?

He married Cleopatra when he was still married to a Roman -

my sister Octavia, who's terribly upset by the way.

No other Roman has ever done that!

Well, apart from your uncle Caesar when HE married Cleopatra.

Nice one, son!

Shut up! Leave my uncle out of this.

Besides, Cleopatra disgusts me -

she's married to her own son!

Yeah, but that's just a ceremonial marriage, ain't it?

Hello?! It's like, totally gross.

She is a menace!

Look, Caesar's dead now, good luck to the lad.

Yeah, all's fair in love and war.

Yes - war is exactly what we need.

Mark Antony and Cleopatra have already crowned their children

rulers of Armenia, Libya AND Syria -

without our permission, guys. C'mon!

Their oldest child's only six, what's he going to do -

dribble on us cos we won't let him stay up past his bedtime(?)

THEY LAUGH Dush.

He's, he's, he's debauched...

-Ah, he did it.

-..he's corrupt, and...and...

and he's started wearing make-up!

-What?

-Look at this. He's started wearing make-up!

Yeah. A spy gave me this.

Well, Roman soldiers don't wear make-up!

What's next? Flowers in his hair?

No, no, enough is enough.

-Yeah, she's a bad influence.

-Exactly.

-Let's go to war with Cleopatra!

-Have it! Yeah!

-Yes!

-Come on. Follow the dush, dush, dush...

-Yeah.

-Dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush.

Boom! Yes!

It's not actually a bad look, really.

# Defeated by Octavian that we, we don't respect

# Our faction killed in Actium as my poor Ant has been decked

# Yeah, I was wrecked

# Now it's T-H-E E-N-D

# I'm sure that spells the end for me

# Octavian will display me in a cage, the world will gloat

# I can't go on

# Won't be paraded round the street

# Octavian

# Not your exotic parakeet

# Not your spoils from victory, I'll spoil your party

# I can't go on

# I'm miserable, I'm so depressed How did it come to this?

# Octavian don't like me cos I dumped his plain old sis

# For Queen Isis

# I'm trying to sustain our rule Don't hold me up to ridicule

# Snap out of this, you moping fool You're not helping at all

# I can't go on

# Without my sweet Roman romance

# Our love has gone

# Living alone, not in my plans

# Octavian my boss, I'd sooner eat my hair

# I can't go on

# I must try and capture Cleo

# Octavian must not take me-o

# She'll kill herself just for me?

# She must adore me

# I'll foil Octavian with this plot

# She's dead?

# Not yet I'm not

# She must not die

# So much more popular than me

# And so I die

# This will look bad on my CV

# Antony and Cleo gone

# What a blooming pair of drama queens

# So all hail me! #

So - both Cleopatra and Mark Antony

died after losing the battle with Octavian -

and that nerdy boy became Emperor Augustus,

the first emperor of Rome.

He ruled, man. Yeah, he really did.

He even had Cleo's son, Caesarion, bumped off for good measure.

But Cleopatra would always be remembered

for her beauty and brains -

oh, and plenty of deaths too.

Let's see what she's got to say about that.

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# My grisly interviews

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# They're dead and famous too! #

And then he said,

"I always have a mummy around...

"in case I run out of toilet paper!"

HE LAUGHS

What? Oh...!

Welcome back to Chatty Death - with me, Death.

Please give a warm welcome to my next guest,

former pharaoh of Egypt -

it's Cleopatra.

I'm a big fan, big fan, BIG FAN of Cleo!

So tell me -

you're remembered as one of the most beautiful women who ever lived,

a stone-cold stunner - a stone-cold...

-CYMBAL CLANGS

-..stunner!

Stone-cold - because she's dead. No? Not for you? Fine.

It's nice to be remembered for being beautiful

but I was much more than just a pretty face.

Yeah. You were a deadly face as well.

You know, everyone around you seems to have met with a grisly end.

-Harsh.

-Not that I've made a list, but I have...

made a list.

Let's see. So your husband Caesar, he was stabbed to death

by his mate Brutus - not entirely your fault, but...

Your boyfriend Mark Antony, he killed himself -

that was definitely over you.

You went to war with your brother,

he drowned after a battle - nice one!

Remind me what happened to your other brother.

-He ate something that didn't agree with him.

-Ooh.

I believe it was poison.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! You bad girl.

Then there was your sister Arsinoe,

killed on the steps of a temple -

honestly, it's a good job this isn't one of these family reunion shows,

the room would just be full of people you'd had killed.

Wasn't easy being a female pharaoh.

All I did, I did to keep a hold of my throne.

Yeah? Well, here's one throne you won't be able to hold on to...

SHE SCREAMS

Can't say PHAROAH than that!

-HE LAUGHS

-Pharaoh! That's a good one.

Oh... Is this on? Is that on?

Anyway, what you doing tonight, guys?

Fancy coming for some ribs?

I see you've already eaten.

Ha! I'm wasted here.

Wasted!

Oh, dear.

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# Hope next time it's not you! #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Horrible Histories. #