Crafty Cleopatra Special Horrible Histories


Crafty Cleopatra Special

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Civil Wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that

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# And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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FANFARE

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Horrible Histories presents...

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In the land of the pharaohs,

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a family destined to rule.

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Welcome to...

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Cleopatra, my daughter, Daddy's little...

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Daddy's little queen.

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Daddy's little princess.

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No, no, Daddy's little queen -

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we're getting married.

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Bit weird.

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Still weird.

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Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

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Just makes my rule stronger

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if my heir is also my queen.

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Now I can rule for years.

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Ah...

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The king is dead.

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At least I'm not married to my dad any more.

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True. Now you're going to marry your little brother.

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-Weird again.

-YOU'RE weird.

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-You're weird.

-Whatever, Cleo-prat-ra.

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-Uh!

-Ah! Ah!

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Egyptian burn!

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Oh, I hate you!

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I hate you more.

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Yeah? Well, I'm going to take over Egypt, and get rid of you!

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-Yeah? You and whose army?

-Ha!

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HE CHUCKLES

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Oh, I see.

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Find out what happens next, on The Egyptians.

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Now.

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What, what, what, what's going on? There's a reindeer in the orphanage.

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Sometimes in history, you find a person who is so fond of crazy,

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foolish behaviour, that they deserve a special mention, yeah?

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-So - P-tolemy.

-It's Ptolemy, bruv.

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-Who is it?

-Ptolemy.

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Oh. Oh, I see. Right.

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Ptolemy the 13th of ancient Egypt -

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I'm talking about you, you idiot.

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Ah, bless. This is Ptolemy showing off,

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playing with his sword and that.

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I hate you, Cleopatra. I totally hate you!

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That's OK, fam - she's your older sister.

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You'll get over it!

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I declare civil war!

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Ah!

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Unless you do that. What are you thinking?

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Pharaoh fool.

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Meet superpower Roman, Julius Caesar.

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Ptolemy wanted this guy's help to kill Cleopatra,

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so he sent the man a gift.

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Nothing crazy about that, yeah?

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Everyone loves a gift.

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Unless it's your friend's head in a box!

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Oh, no!

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That head belongs to Roman General Pompey.

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Caesar and Pompey had been at war, like, they were fighting and stuff

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but they were still friends, yeah?

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Crazy fool, Ptolemy. What's wrong with a box of chocolates?

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I like the ones that are like

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a semicircle with a hazelnut in the top.

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Caesar got so mad about the head in a box thing

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that he ended up on Cleopatra's side.

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You idiot, Ptolemy, what are you doing?

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And, when Caesar whooped Ptolemy's behind at the Battle of the Nile,

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the kid had no choice. Give it up, son!

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Or try and swim away wearing

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a full suit of super-heavy armour.

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That is not going to work!

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So - that was Ptolemy the 13th of Egypt -

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the fool that sank without a trace.

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Till next week - stay away from stupid, bruv, yeah?

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POSH VOICE: What's for lunch?

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Chops and chops? I'll have that.

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Ptolemy the 13th really did drown trying to swim away in his armour.

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He thought he could make it, but he was in de-Nile.

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You know - the river, the Nile.

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Oh, suit yourself.

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So, Cleopatra was left in charge of Egypt.

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She was known for being a bit of a hottie -

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she had brains as well as beauty.

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Mm. Bit like me.

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-Name?

-Cleopatra.

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-Specialist subject?

-How about everything?

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Your questions on the subject of everything begin...

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now.

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Who was the first astronomer to calculate the size of the earth?

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Aristophanes.

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Correct. Who was the main character in the Iliad?

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Achilles, or in the original Greek, Akhilleus.

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I speak nine languages.

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Correct, you do.

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Which ear-shaped musical instrument was invented by Terpander?

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The seven-stringed lyre. I also know how to play it.

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SHE PLAYS LYRE

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That was beautiful.

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What is toxicology?

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-The study of poison.

-Correct.

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Advanced by Hippocrates, who learned how to control

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the absorption of toxic materials.

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When are the hard questions coming?

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What's a simple quick way to increase a nation's exports?

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-Devalue your currency.

-Correct. Who built...

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-Alexander the Great.

-Correct. Who...

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-Aristotle.

-Correct.

-END-OF-ROUND BUZZER

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And at the buzzer....

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I answered all my questions correct with no passes.

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-Um...correct.

-I'm not just a pretty face.

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Now, let's talk a little bit more about poison...

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Pass.

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So, smitten Caesar went to visit beautiful Cleopatra in Egypt.

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When he got there, he might've expected slippery snakes

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but not slippery floors. Aha.

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Caesar!

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Your brother's forces have been defeat...

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Oh!

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I'm fine. I'm fine!

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Your brother's soldiers have been defeated. He has died.

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Drowned in the Nile, weighed down by his suit of armour.

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No-one will touch you any more.

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Consider yourself under the protection of mighty Rome.

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I'm fine. I'll pay for that.

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You all right?

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HE STAMMERS

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I'm fine!

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I'm afraid the expensive marble floors

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of our palaces here in Alexandria

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were not designed for your Roman hobnailed boots.

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HE SCREAMS

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We're fine.

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You are, once again,

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Queen of...

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Once again, you're...

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Once again, Queen of Egypt, and with Rome's support, you will stay there.

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There's nothing any of your family can do about it.

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No-one will be able to take the throne away from you again.

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Caesar! How can I repay you?

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There is one thing.

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Whatever you wish.

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The wealth of Egypt is yours - even its queen.

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ORNAMENTS SMASH AND CAT MEOWS

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Name your price.

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Could you put some rugs down...possibly?

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You what?

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-RIP!

-Oh... they've torn. Oh!

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I have a question for you.

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When I became pharaoh, aged only 18,

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how old was the great pyramid of Giza by that point?

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Was it...

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And the answer is...

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B.

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Yes - even before me,

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ancient Egypt had been around for 3,000 years.

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So the great pyramid is about as old to me

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as the Parthenon in Athens is to you.

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To think I thought Julius Caesar was old for being in his 50s!

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Cleopatra and Caesar eventually got married in Egypt

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and she became pregnant - but both the Romans and the Egyptians

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had some pretty strange ideas when it came to giving birth.

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Aha.

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Cleopatra's been in labour now for six hours with her first baby.

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Everyone is nervous.

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I've never helped the living embodiment

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of a god give birth before.

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Scary. If something goes wrong, I'll die.

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Like, I will literally be killed.

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But we've got a bucket of blood, so we should be fine.

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Get it nice and high, Diane, cos they come in through the roof.

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'We smear it on the walls to keep bad spirits away.'

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Just a bit of fun.

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I'll get in trouble, though, if I leave it, so...

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SHE SOBS

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I want Caesar!

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I want him to hold my hand.

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So I can squeeze it and show him how much it hurts!

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I know, Majesty.

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But Caesar is still at work,

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caught up in some last-minute rebellion crushing.

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But he is sending one of his men to throw a spear

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that's just killed someone in battle over the house for good luck -

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so he is doing everything he can.

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-What?

-It's a Roman thing.

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Oi! Over the house, not through it!

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-Sorry!

-Romans are weird.

-Mm.

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Is there enough blood on the walls?

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Diane? Blood.

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Thankfully, Cleopatra has given birth to a healthy baby boy -

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called Caesarion.

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Right. Everyone out.

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We're locking ourselves in here for seven days,

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and burning frankincense and myrrh to keep away evil spirits.

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-Seven days?

-Yes.

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Ow!

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Ah. Sorry - it's just a really tall building.

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Oh... It really stings.

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They say there's one born every minute -

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not like that there isn't.

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During the time of Cleopatra,

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the ideas of the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius

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were growing in popularity -

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and he had loads of fans all around the world.

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Even if at times he could be Confuciously confusing.

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He's the man whose cracking one-liners

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are still pulling in the crowds 400 years after he died -

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Confucius.

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What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.

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Cautious people rarely make mistakes.

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Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.

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It's the Confucius stand-up DVD.

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Those lines are hundreds of years old

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but they're still so relevant, even today.

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-They are classic, they're absolutely classic.

-Yeah.

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Yeah, my favourite one was, "Never eat yellow snow."

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SHE LAUGHS

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-He didn't say that.

-What?

-He didn't say that. He didn't say that.

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-He didn't?

-No.

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The philosopher who said so many brilliant things that whenever

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anything brilliant is said now people think HE come up with it!

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Confucius said,

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"He who goes to bed with an itchy bottom

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"will wake up with a smelly finger"!

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That definitely wasn't him.

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That is well gross, that is well gross.

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Confucius said stuff like

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"When a country is run well,

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"poverty is a thing to be ashamed of.

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"When a country is run badly...

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"riches are a thing to be ashamed of."

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-Yeah, mine are funnier.

-Confucius - the greatest one-liners in history.

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Confucius said, "When many birds flock together - wear a hat."

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SHE LAUGHS

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-No, he didn't.

-He might've done.

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-He didn't say that.

-He might've done.

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He didn't say that, he didn't say that.

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-In the middle of a sentence, he might've done...

-He didn't say that.

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-You weren't there.

-He didn't say that.

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The superior man understands what is right -

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the inferior man understands what will sell.

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And this WILL sell.

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Hang on, does that make me inferior?

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Oh, who cares?

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Cleopatra has arrived in Rome with new beau Julius Caesar,

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but there are two problems.

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1. Their marriage isn't recognised by Roman law,

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and 2. He already has a wife, Calpurnia.

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I've got two husbands, what's the problem?

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Er...didn't Ptolemy get killed?

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Different Ptolemy. I've been married to um...three.

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Didn't I tell you I got married again?

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This one's my other brother. Egyptian tradition.

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Yes. I've got two husbands and Caesar has two wives.

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I'm the one in Egypt, and Calpurnia's the one in Rome.

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Isn't that right, Caesar?

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Simple.

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Well, you're in Rome, with him, now.

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Yes, and I love it - and they love me.

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THEY SCREAM EXCITEDLY

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Cleopatra is hotter property than ever,

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and her extravagant style is taking Rome by storm.

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The homes, the jewels -

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the Roman ladies are loving it.

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She is so beautiful, and so bling!

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I love the Egyptian hairstyles!

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But stupid Roman law only lets us girls wear

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half an ounce of jewellery.

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Cleopatra wears about a bucketful.

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We've never felt so inadequate.

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We love her!

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But it's not just the girls' heads Cleopatra is turning.

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-Mark Antony, what are your thoughts on this?

-Hubba-hubba.

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-Pardon?

-Put it in my pigeonhole.

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But what does Cleopatra think...

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I'm just going to...

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..about all the male attention?

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Mark Antony is the next most powerful man in Rome.

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And I heard he drives a chariot pulled by lions.

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But seriously, my Caesar's the only man for me.

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Get used to me, Rome -

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Caesar ain't going nowhere

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and neither am I - together forever.

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Julius Caesar has been assassinated.

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SHE GASPS Oh, no!

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Not my beloved!

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Oh, the light of my life.

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SHE SOBS

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Has anyone here seen Mark Antony?

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Caesar was assassinated by his rivals in Rome,

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and crafty Cleopatra was left all alone.

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But not for long. No.

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She quickly found herself another Roman general.

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You guessed it - Mark Antony.

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True, he was already married -

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but you've got to move fast to stay on top.

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In order to impress Mark Antony,

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I once bet him I could consume a meal worth ten million silver coins.

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How did I do it?

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And the answer is...

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B. I swallowed my pearl earring.

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Don't try that at home.

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The earring was worth ten million silver coins,

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so to show him how much money I had,

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I dissolved it in vinegar and ate it for my starter.

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Life in Rome was certainly extravagant for Cleopatra.

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But for ordinary people, it wasn't all glitz and glamour.

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Wee!

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Gimme a wee!

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Anyone?

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Oh... You picked the short straw collecting from here, didn't you?

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Oh, I don't mind.

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Wee's important for my leather work, and someone's got to collect it.

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Well, I agree with you there, young man.

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It's all part of the great Roman system.

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People fill the pots on their streets with wee,

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you collect it, and use it to soften the leather

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that ends up on the feet and backs

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of every soldier and citizen across the empire.

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No. The bad luck isn't collecting it -

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it's collecting it here.

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Oh, it's because a crowded, smelly slum like this

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is probably full of thieves? Please.

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It is smelly, and I was robbed only moments ago

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but that's not why it's unlucky.

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OK, I give up. Why is it bad luck to collect around here?

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Because the people who live on the higher floors

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can't be bothered to come down here to empty their wee buckets.

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What would YOU know?

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HE SCREAMS

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They just chuck it out the window!

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HE SCREAMS

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Ooh. hat's some top quality wee.

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That wee-ly did happen.

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HE LAUGHS

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But if life in Rome wasn't always as sophisticated as you might think,

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over in Britain it was positively primitive,

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with some unusual ideas about money.

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Hello. Do you sell cows?

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-Er...yes, we do, do you want to see our catalogue?

-Yes, please.

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Thank you. Hmm...

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Yeah, they all look great.

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I will take this one, please.

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Excellent choice, sir. You have a keen eye.

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Er...that'll be two sets, please.

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And how much is a set worth these days?

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Under the current exchange rate, one set is worth half a cow.

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MOOING No, Tatiana!

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So, if one set is half a cow and each of your cows cost two sets,

0:17:370:17:43

then the cost of one cow from you is...

0:17:430:17:45

One cow, precisely.

0:17:450:17:46

So one cow costs one cow?

0:17:460:17:48

That's it, sir - keen eye and a keen mind.

0:17:480:17:50

Well, luckily I have one cow exactly.

0:17:500:17:52

Oh. Perfect.

0:17:520:17:55

Do you want to save time and just keep that...

0:17:590:18:01

Yeah. Yeah, I think I will, actually.

0:18:010:18:04

To be honest, I'm beginning to see why the Romans prefer using money.

0:18:040:18:07

MOOING

0:18:070:18:08

Back in Rome, Caesar's nephew Octavian was growing in power.

0:18:090:18:13

And so was his anger at Mark Antony,

0:18:130:18:16

who was cuddling up to kissy Queen Cleopatra over in Egypt.

0:18:160:18:20

Well jels?

0:18:200:18:21

Not really.

0:18:210:18:22

Octavian just didn't want to share power with Mark Antony.

0:18:220:18:25

But convincing his generals to go to war against another Roman

0:18:250:18:29

wasn't going to be easy.

0:18:290:18:31

Tell him about that time - you know, the time with the horse?

0:18:310:18:34

The horses are lying on the ground, right...? I've got the axe...

0:18:340:18:37

Hail... Guys? Guys.

0:18:370:18:40

-THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER

-Sorry! Sorry!

0:18:400:18:42

Can I have this back, please?

0:18:420:18:44

It's my sealskin, and it protects me from lightning strikes.

0:18:440:18:47

-Very important.

-ALL: Oooh!

0:18:470:18:48

Can we have some quiet, please?

0:18:480:18:51

Thank you. Just a brief announcement -

0:18:510:18:53

Mark Antony is corrupt

0:18:530:18:56

and out of control, guys!

0:18:560:18:59

He's an enemy of Rome, and I must insist we go to war!

0:18:590:19:03

No, no, no, Mark Antony's a top bloke, a total geezer.

0:19:030:19:06

I fought with him in Gaul -

0:19:060:19:08

loads of banter, loads of murder, I love it.

0:19:080:19:11

I don't care - we're going to war, OK?

0:19:110:19:14

He's a traitor and a bigamist. OK?

0:19:140:19:17

He married Cleopatra when he was still married to a Roman -

0:19:170:19:20

my sister Octavia, who's terribly upset by the way.

0:19:200:19:24

No other Roman has ever done that!

0:19:240:19:27

Well, apart from your uncle Caesar when HE married Cleopatra.

0:19:270:19:30

Nice one, son!

0:19:300:19:32

Shut up! Leave my uncle out of this.

0:19:320:19:35

Besides, Cleopatra disgusts me -

0:19:350:19:37

she's married to her own son!

0:19:370:19:39

Yeah, but that's just a ceremonial marriage, ain't it?

0:19:390:19:42

Hello?! It's like, totally gross.

0:19:420:19:44

She is a menace!

0:19:440:19:46

Look, Caesar's dead now, good luck to the lad.

0:19:460:19:48

Yeah, all's fair in love and war.

0:19:480:19:50

Yes - war is exactly what we need.

0:19:500:19:52

Mark Antony and Cleopatra have already crowned their children

0:19:520:19:57

rulers of Armenia, Libya AND Syria -

0:19:570:20:00

without our permission, guys. C'mon!

0:20:000:20:03

Their oldest child's only six, what's he going to do -

0:20:030:20:06

dribble on us cos we won't let him stay up past his bedtime(?)

0:20:060:20:09

THEY LAUGH Dush.

0:20:100:20:13

He's, he's, he's debauched...

0:20:130:20:15

-Ah, he did it.

-..he's corrupt, and...and...

0:20:150:20:19

and he's started wearing make-up!

0:20:190:20:22

-What?

-Look at this. He's started wearing make-up!

0:20:220:20:25

Yeah. A spy gave me this.

0:20:250:20:27

Well, Roman soldiers don't wear make-up!

0:20:270:20:29

What's next? Flowers in his hair?

0:20:290:20:31

No, no, enough is enough.

0:20:310:20:33

-Yeah, she's a bad influence.

-Exactly.

0:20:330:20:35

-Let's go to war with Cleopatra!

-Have it! Yeah!

0:20:350:20:38

-Yes!

-Come on. Follow the dush, dush, dush...

0:20:380:20:41

-Yeah.

-Dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush.

0:20:410:20:44

Boom! Yes!

0:20:440:20:46

It's not actually a bad look, really.

0:20:480:20:51

# Defeated by Octavian that we, we don't respect

0:21:010:21:06

# Our faction killed in Actium as my poor Ant has been decked

0:21:060:21:11

# Yeah, I was wrecked

0:21:110:21:14

# Now it's T-H-E E-N-D

0:21:140:21:17

# I'm sure that spells the end for me

0:21:170:21:19

# Octavian will display me in a cage, the world will gloat

0:21:190:21:23

# I can't go on

0:21:230:21:25

# Won't be paraded round the street

0:21:250:21:27

# Octavian

0:21:270:21:29

# Not your exotic parakeet

0:21:290:21:32

# Not your spoils from victory, I'll spoil your party

0:21:320:21:36

# I can't go on

0:21:360:21:41

# I'm miserable, I'm so depressed How did it come to this?

0:21:500:21:54

# Octavian don't like me cos I dumped his plain old sis

0:21:540:21:59

# For Queen Isis

0:21:590:22:03

# I'm trying to sustain our rule Don't hold me up to ridicule

0:22:030:22:07

# Snap out of this, you moping fool You're not helping at all

0:22:070:22:11

# I can't go on

0:22:110:22:14

# Without my sweet Roman romance

0:22:140:22:16

# Our love has gone

0:22:160:22:18

# Living alone, not in my plans

0:22:180:22:20

# Octavian my boss, I'd sooner eat my hair

0:22:200:22:24

# I can't go on

0:22:240:22:30

# I must try and capture Cleo

0:22:300:22:32

# Octavian must not take me-o

0:22:320:22:34

# She'll kill herself just for me?

0:22:340:22:36

# She must adore me

0:22:360:22:38

# I'll foil Octavian with this plot

0:22:380:22:41

# She's dead?

0:22:410:22:42

# Not yet I'm not

0:22:440:22:47

# She must not die

0:22:470:22:49

# So much more popular than me

0:22:490:22:51

# And so I die

0:22:510:22:53

# This will look bad on my CV

0:22:530:22:55

# Antony and Cleo gone

0:22:550:22:58

# What a blooming pair of drama queens

0:22:580:23:04

# So all hail me! #

0:23:040:23:10

So - both Cleopatra and Mark Antony

0:23:130:23:15

died after losing the battle with Octavian -

0:23:150:23:19

and that nerdy boy became Emperor Augustus,

0:23:190:23:22

the first emperor of Rome.

0:23:220:23:24

He ruled, man. Yeah, he really did.

0:23:240:23:27

He even had Cleo's son, Caesarion, bumped off for good measure.

0:23:270:23:31

But Cleopatra would always be remembered

0:23:310:23:34

for her beauty and brains -

0:23:340:23:36

oh, and plenty of deaths too.

0:23:360:23:38

Let's see what she's got to say about that.

0:23:380:23:41

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:23:430:23:45

# My grisly interviews

0:23:450:23:48

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:23:480:23:50

# They're dead and famous too! #

0:23:500:23:53

And then he said,

0:23:530:23:54

"I always have a mummy around...

0:23:540:23:56

"in case I run out of toilet paper!"

0:23:560:23:59

HE LAUGHS

0:23:590:24:00

What? Oh...!

0:24:000:24:03

Welcome back to Chatty Death - with me, Death.

0:24:030:24:07

Please give a warm welcome to my next guest,

0:24:070:24:10

former pharaoh of Egypt -

0:24:100:24:12

it's Cleopatra.

0:24:120:24:14

I'm a big fan, big fan, BIG FAN of Cleo!

0:24:160:24:19

So tell me -

0:24:200:24:22

you're remembered as one of the most beautiful women who ever lived,

0:24:220:24:24

a stone-cold stunner - a stone-cold...

0:24:240:24:27

-CYMBAL CLANGS

-..stunner!

0:24:270:24:30

Stone-cold - because she's dead. No? Not for you? Fine.

0:24:300:24:34

It's nice to be remembered for being beautiful

0:24:340:24:36

but I was much more than just a pretty face.

0:24:360:24:38

Yeah. You were a deadly face as well.

0:24:380:24:41

You know, everyone around you seems to have met with a grisly end.

0:24:410:24:45

-Harsh.

-Not that I've made a list, but I have...

0:24:450:24:49

made a list.

0:24:490:24:52

Let's see. So your husband Caesar, he was stabbed to death

0:24:520:24:55

by his mate Brutus - not entirely your fault, but...

0:24:550:24:58

Your boyfriend Mark Antony, he killed himself -

0:24:580:25:01

that was definitely over you.

0:25:010:25:03

You went to war with your brother,

0:25:030:25:05

he drowned after a battle - nice one!

0:25:050:25:09

Remind me what happened to your other brother.

0:25:090:25:11

-He ate something that didn't agree with him.

-Ooh.

0:25:110:25:14

I believe it was poison.

0:25:140:25:15

Ooh-hoo-hoo! You bad girl.

0:25:150:25:19

Then there was your sister Arsinoe,

0:25:190:25:22

killed on the steps of a temple -

0:25:220:25:24

honestly, it's a good job this isn't one of these family reunion shows,

0:25:240:25:27

the room would just be full of people you'd had killed.

0:25:270:25:30

Wasn't easy being a female pharaoh.

0:25:300:25:32

All I did, I did to keep a hold of my throne.

0:25:320:25:35

Yeah? Well, here's one throne you won't be able to hold on to...

0:25:350:25:40

SHE SCREAMS

0:25:400:25:43

Can't say PHAROAH than that!

0:25:430:25:46

-HE LAUGHS

-Pharaoh! That's a good one.

0:25:460:25:49

Oh... Is this on? Is that on?

0:25:490:25:53

Anyway, what you doing tonight, guys?

0:25:530:25:54

Fancy coming for some ribs?

0:25:540:25:56

I see you've already eaten.

0:25:560:25:58

Ha! I'm wasted here.

0:25:580:26:00

Wasted!

0:26:000:26:02

Oh, dear.

0:26:020:26:04

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:26:040:26:06

# Hope next time it's not you! #

0:26:060:26:08

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:26:100:26:13

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

0:26:130:26:16

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

0:26:160:26:18

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

0:26:180:26:21

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:26:210:26:24

# Hope you enjoyed...

0:26:240:26:25

# Horrible Histories. #

0:26:250:26:29

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