Horrid Health Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Staying fit and healthy has always been important to us humans,

and one of the best ways to do it is to keep your bits clean.

Ugg.

Are you a caveman using moss to wipe your bum?

Are you a Roman freshening up with a shared poo stick?

-Get out!

-Are you the Frenchman who said the best thing to wipe your bum

with was a goose head?

Come on, it was a joke! I use a cloth.

Who would actually use a goose?

GOOSE SQUAWKS Shhh!

-Then you need new toilet paper.

-What's toilet paper?

What's toilet paper?

What is a toilet?

New toilet paper from China is soft, disposable,

and mass-produced in sheets.

FART!

-That sounds amazing.

-Count me in.

-What is a toilet?

-Keep your bottom clean and healthy with new toilet

paper, as used by the Chinese emperor since 1391.

Warning - original Chinese toilet paper,

smallest size one metre squared.

How big is the Chinese Emperor's bum?

It's true. Toilet paper really was

invented in China nearly 700 years ago.

We get tonnes of it down here in the sewers.

Frankly, it's not easy to stay

healthy when you live in a massive bog pipe.

That's why I'm on a health kick.

Today, I am swimming 100 lengths of the public toilets.

I'm doing 50 tail squats, and I am running...

..to the doctors. Because just

thinking about all that exercise has given me a headache.

Maybe this next treatment could help?

Are you the medicine woman?

Yes, love. What can I do you for?

I've got a bad pain in this bit.

Your head?

You're the expert.

Well, for a headache you've got two options - "There, there,"

or trepanning.

Right. What is, "There, there?"

Well, I gently pat the sore bit and say, "There, there."

And what is trepanning?

I grind this pointy rock into your head, puncturing your skull,

to let the bad out.

Right, I think I'll go with "There, there."

Oh, right you are, then.

KNUCKLES CRACK

There, there.

-How's that?

-It's no different...

I mean, yeah, it's much better. Thank you.

Are you sure I can't tempt you to a bit of trepanning,

just to make sure I've got all the bad out?

No, I'm completely cured.

Goodbye.

-Ow!

-Ooh. That looked nasty.

-Pointy rock?

-No, no, I'm fine.

Oh, go on, just a little hole.

It'll hurt even more.

All right, you big baby, I'll give you an anaesthetic.

-OK.

-Right, count backwards from ten for me.

Ten, seven, four...

Sorry, should have used a bigger dose.

Righty ho, then.

You should feel right as rain as soon as you come around,

although you might have a slight headache.

I need trepanning like I need a hole in the head!

Although, come to think of it,

we Egyptians had some pretty strange theories too.

Especially when it came to being pregnant.

And how did you find out that you were pregnant?

Just the usual way.

I had a melon milkshake and threw up.

-ALL:

-Aww!

The milkshake test works every time.

Oh, yes. My husband and I were out for a romantic meal.

He ordered us both milkshake, and as soon as I saw it,

I just threw up all over him.

It just kept coming.

-ALL:

-Aww!

Yeah, it was the perfect moment.

I can't wait to tell our son about it when he's born.

So you know it's a boy?

You must have done the urine test?

Oh, yeah, of course.

I went and weed in a field, and barley grew, so we know it's a boy.

-ALL:

-Awww!

Actually, do we have to make that

noise every time? It's really annoying.

Last time I weed in a field and wheat grew, so I knew it was a girl.

-ALL: Aww!

-Yes, we do.

Right, I am off to wee in a field.

Congratulations! Are you pregnant too?

Oh, no, no. I just drank far too much milkshake.

ALL: Awww!

That sound goes through me quicker than the milkshake!

Next...

-Good morning, Doctor.

-Please take a seat.

Now, what can I help you with?

I've got a bit of a sore throat.

Well, there's a very simple Mayan cure for it,

so if you'd just like to pop your sandal off.

And do a little wee wee in it.

-Excuse me?

-And now drink the wee wee.

Isn't there a herb I could chew or something?

No, sandal wee wee, twice a day. You'll be better in no time.

Next!

I'll just drink some water, lots of water.

Hello there, Doctor.

-Hello.

-I've twisted my ankle, and I wondered if you've got a bandage?

Well, we don't actually recommend bandages anymore.

No, what we have is a more advanced

treatment that is at the forefront of Myan medical science.

Oh, that sounds great.

So if you'd just like to pop your sandal off.

Take it off the good ankle.

Off she pops, there you go.

Do a little wee wee in it.

-Come again?

-And then drink it.

What if that doesn't work?

It will.

I think I might get a second opinion.

-Do you?

-I do.

Good day, Doctor.

-Weeing in a sandal.

-Some people don't want to be helped, do they?

What a hectic morning. I have got a banging headache.

I have just the cure for that.

I am feeling slightly sick, though.

One cure...

RETCHING

Maybe not.

Hello. I'm Richard the Lionheart, King of England.

Wherever that is. I only went once when I was king,

and I didn't much like it.

Instead, I went on the Third Crusade to the Holy Land.

But when I got there I got a horrid disease called arnaldia.

But what did it do to me?

Did it...

The answer is...

B. It made my skin blotchy

and my hair and fingernails fell out.

It's true. My hair and nails fell off.

I mean, my hair, fair enough, but my nails...

I've never even bitten them.

Don't even suck my thumb.

Much.

Amazing. I've only been on my fitness drive for three minutes,

and already I have a six pack...

Of pies!

There's a bit of nasty green stuff on the top,

but you can soon wipe that off.

Ah, yes, cleanliness is very important to me.

I learned that from the Romans.

They were very keen on personal hygiene,

and had a very civilised approach to washing,

although it could lead to some rather embarrassing moments.

Welcome to Fitness Past...

Like any young Roman, I like to hang out in baths because it's fun,

I build up a sweat, and I get to hang out with my friends.

-Naked.

-At Fitness Past you can exercise with your friends, naked.

I like steam rooms because I get to relax, network,

and chat about current events...

-Naked.

-Can we get a lot more steam in here, please?

Discuss the news with your friends, and influential people, naked.

Hey, Caesar. How's it hanging?

You know what? I think I'll come back when it's a bit quieter.

Fitness Past, for people who like to stay fit, naked.

Warning, bring a slave to guard your clothes, or walk home naked too.

Not again!

Ooh...

It's true. We Romans were obsessed with baths.

But not everyone in Rome thought keeping clean was a good idea.

When the Roman Empire became Christian in the 4th century,

one man claimed that being dirty on the outside, meant being

clean on the inside.

# Yo word up brothers and sisters of Rome

# Got a message from your old mucker St Jerome

# I'm sayin' Rome's been Christian since the 4th century

# Takin' a bath that's just so BC

# Look at me and my posse of Roman bellas

# This is Leah, this is Paula, and this is Marcella

# When I met 'em they was real proper Roman Wags

# Now they stink to high heaven and they're wearing rags

# It don't matter if your body smells like something obscene

# If the outside is dirty then the inside is clean

# That's grime

-# It ain't no crime

-Grime

-# We're doing fine

-That's grime

# We're doing fine In our own grime

# I'm a man and a monk and I'm mad as a monkey

# I don't care if folk'll swear I smell a little bit funky

# All the guys who are gagging out they won't be laughing

# When they don't get into heaven for too much barfing

# Look them pagans all smell lovely there ain't no denying

# And I guess not washing does increase your danger of dying

# They got saunas and steam rooms they're healthy and strong

# But we've got something better bro and that's our pong

-#

-Grime

-It ain't no crime

-#

-Grime

-We're doing fine

-#

-That's grime

-It ain't no crime

# We're doing fine In our own grime. #

We Greeks were far more sensible.

We are seen as the fathers of modern medicine,

and there was absolutely nothing

weird about our most famous health nut...

It's the start of a new week,

and having been rated epic failure by Ofsted,

headteacher Hannah Lawrence

is looking to make some changes.

This is Historical Educating.

Monday morning, and class 7F have a new biology teacher.

-Hypocrites?

-It's pronounced Hippocrates, mate.

The father of medicine.

Mr Hippocrates has come all the way from ancient Greece,

and I think he wants to make learning fun.

He's told me he's going to bring some humour into the lessons.

What's that, sir?

Humour. Four humours, to be precise.

Blood, yellow stomach bile,

black stomach bile,

and, of course, my personal favourite...

HE COUGHS AND SPITS

..phlegm.

Now, a good doctor always diagnoses

by investigating the bodily symptoms.

POP

Turgid, oily, and with a hint of wee,

which is fascinating, children, because that means his ear wax is...

delicious.

PUPILS VOMITING

I saved a bit for you.

B minus.

Mr Hippocrates is called to the headteacher's office.

You look a bit peaky, Headteacher. Tell me, have you done a wee today?

Because I have.

Hippocrates, I hear you made an entire class vomit.

Indeed. Most productive.

-You're fired.

-What?

I'm the father of medicine.

Yes, well, it's been 2,000 years, and medicine has moved on.

Not true. Doctors still swear my Hippocratic oath today.

Yes, we've had several parents complain...

No, no, no, it's not that kind of swearing.

It's a code of conduct for doctors,

and my method for curing sore bottoms is still in use today.

-Really?

-Yes.

Do you mind turning the cameras off for a moment?

The thing is...

Whatever you say, Mr Hippo Crates, or Rhino Boxes,

or whatever you're called.

Now, I'm off for a healthy swim in the local pool -

the cesspool!

Yes, swimming is a great way to stay healthy,

but did you know that after the Roman Empire was destroyed,

people actually forgot how to do it for over 600 years?

It wasn't until Tudor times

that a new book led to swimming becoming common again.

Oh, look, there's a couple of brown noodles I can use!

Gentlemen, this voyage will make rich men of us all.

Yes!

But only if we make it back home in one piece.

With that in mind, the captain has instructed me, as first mate,

to give you a health and safety briefing.

You are absolutely joking me!

As you have noticed, gentlemen, we are on a...

-On a high!

-On a ship!

Yes. And what is the most dangerous thing that can happen to us

-when we're on a ship?

-Disease?

-No.

-Spaniards!

Low-flying albatrosses!

No, pretty sure that only happened to you.

No, no, the most dangerous thing that can happen on a ship is...

..falling off a ship. Because what happens if you do?

-You...

-Float.

No, the other one.

-Drown.

-Well done.

-You do drown.

-Good boy.

But not any more, because now we have this brand-new book,

The Art Of Swimming.

Right, the first one we are going to do is...

..breaststroke.

Watch my hands. What am I doing?

All right, I think we've got that one.

Doggy paddle.

Very simple...

Ruff!

OK.

Butterfly.

Enough of this.

Shipmates! We're overloaded. Let's throw something overboard.

No, no running on deck! It's slippery!

SPLASH!

Help! Throw me something to cling to!

Ouch!

It doesn't float!

That's ironic.

I'm a handsome doctor.

And I've come to 17th-century France to meet the famous King Louis XIV

at his royal palace in Versailles.

A tiny king with a big problem.

Excusez-moi, monsieur, who are you calling tiny?

No, no, I am, how you would say?

A big man. With this wig and these heels

I must be at least six foot eight.

See how I tower over everyone in my court.

Why are you wearing wigs and heels too?

Why must everyone copy me?

-ALL:

-Why must everyone copy me?

I'm assuming the problem is your bad breath.

-No.

-Your funky body odour?

Monsieur, I have had three baths in my life, that is quite enough,

thank you very much. No, the problem is...

HE SHOUTS

ALL MIMIC HIS SHOUT

Now, the King suffers from what we doctors call

a really, really, sore bum bum.

Luckily, help is at hand from local hairdresser Charles-Francois Felix.

He's been developing a tool for months now

to remove that ouchy part from the King's bottom.

Whoa!

-Best of luck, I'm right behind you, mate.

-Merci.

I mean, we're all right behind you.

You don't mind if we watch, do you?

HE YOWLS

THEY MIMIC YOWLING

CONTINUED YOWLING

It's a few days after the operation,

and I've come to see how Louis is getting on.

Ahhh.

Bum bum and throne engaged.

So the operation was a complete success

and has changed the face - and the bum bum - of surgery for ever.

And the best part is, no-one will want to copy me this time.

Well, you say that, but...

No, no! I will not operate on your bottoms, you bunch of weirdos.

Please! I want to look like the King!

PHONE RINGING

Horrible Histories Health Direct, Tudor era.

OK, so shave what's left of your hair off,

then smear your head with fox grease,

and maybe a hint of garlic.

And then just rinse it all off with vinegar.

Now, if that doesn't cure your baldness...

Chocolate!

My Mayan colleague is suggesting chocolate,

but then, he says that for everything! Maybe try...

-Chocolate!

-..wearing a wig. OK, you're welcome, bye.

Horrible Histories Health Direct,

you've come through to the medieval era,

what is the nature of your medical complaint?

I'm assuming it's the Black Death, - it usually is in the Middle Ages.

Have you considered rubbing some scorpion oil on to the sores?

All right, fine, no, I don't suppose there are

many scorpions scuttling around in Barnsley.

OK, fine.

I suppose you can have a second opinion.

A sensible one.

Pass him over, I know all about it.

Transferring you now.

Yeah, Black Death?

Poor thing. Don't you worry - we had a nasty dose of Black Death

in the Tudor times too.

What I'm going to need you to do, my love,

is press a chicken's bum against your armpits,

could you do that for me?

That's it, against the swellings, yeah.

It will help absorb the poison.

That's what I said, a chicken's bum.

A plucked chicken's bum.

What do you mean you don't have one?

What about the skull of an executed man?

WHISPERS: I am not suggesting chocolate!

No, stronger cure for Black Death.

Oh, we might have a winner here, hold on.

Well, my brother is a Mayan doctor,

and he suggests do a big old wee-wee in a sandal, and then drink it.

OK, have you tried chocolate?

Chocolate!

We Georgians weren't the cleanest of people. It was a bit of a problem,

because we did like to look good too.

Luckily, we had some rather fashionable quick-fix solutions

to make ourselves look better again.

Oh, a beauty spot!

Delightful.

Oh, darling, they're so beautiful.

The way they sparkle.

They look so expensive.

You are worth every centime, my cherie.

Bonjour.

Bonjour. Bonjour. I would like to buy something

to celebrate my love for this lovely little lady just here.

And what could be more romantic than a new pair of teeth?

Indeed, indeed.

The gift that keeps on chewing.

May I?

Be my guest.

Ghastly stench.

Rotten. Oh! I've got a loose one.

-Shall I...?

-Oh, no, no, not just yet.

Suit yourself.

Right, for you, madame, I recommend a full set.

we have everything from your budget French peasant set,

all the way up to these genuine British teeth,

pulled at the Battle of Waterloo.

They're awfully big.

All right, you've got me, they might be slightly

from a horse. What about these ones?

Oh, they might have been the Duke of Wellington's teeth.

Oh, yeah, yeah, possibly.

He didn't die at the Battle of Waterloo,

but I think you should buy them.

For eight times the price.

Eight times the price, you heard the teeth.

What are YOU wearing?

These are special ones.

They belonged to my dear old mum.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that she passed.

Oh, no, she hasn't, I'm just

more front of house, you know, so we swapped.

Bonjour!

Actually, they've never fitted her.

Come here, Mum, give them to me.

Here we go, oh, yes.

Make me an offer.

Would you prefer a ring, my love?

Absolutely.

Meanwhile, over in the US of A,

we had our own health crazes, and believe me,

some of them were pretty weird.

Although, there is one that you still eat today.

Yes, you can thank us for the humble cornflake.

Oh, hi, friends.

I'm John Harvey Kellogg,

inventor of the world's most healthy

and calming food - the cornflake.

If this crazy century is leaving you in a tizzy whizzy,

what with the aeroplanes, the cars, and the women being educated,

then why not come and rest a spell, here at the sanitarium?

Here at Battle Creek we believe in the simple things in life -

praying, cornflakes, vegetarianism,

cornflakes, and never, ever thinking about ladies.

Ladies! Oh, cornflakes, I meant cornflakes.

Here we follow three principles of health.

Number one, exercise.

Number two, cornflakes.

And number three, enemas.

What?

That's right - enemas.

We start each day with a pint of plain, dull, natural yoghurt.

You eat half of it...

Oh!

..and stick the other half up your bum bum.

With a pipe.

It's good for you.

-Good for me?

-Yeah, it's got good germs and stuff.

I don't know!

I'm getting a little anxious.

OK, just eat some more cornflakes.

OK, nurse!

POP!

Battle Creek sanitarium - exercise, relaxation, cornflakes,

and putting yoghurt up your bum.

Yes, we Victorians really felt like

we'd got to the bottom of staying healthy.

But if I'm honest, not all of them were completely successful.

In fact, some of them might be considered quite dangerous.

Good day.

Welcome to QVC, the Queen Victoria Channel,

for our round-up of the hottest new products from The Great Exhibition.

Now, what have you got me wearing today, Constance?

It's a corset, Verity.

Oh, yawn, so last season.

It's actually very much this season.

-It's electrical.

-Electrical? How's that?

Electricity occurs naturally

in a whole range of new health-giving products,

ready to buy for the canny Victorian consumer.

When I was struggling to put this on this morning,

you hooked it up to that battery, didn't you?

What Verity is demonstrating is designed to strengthen the chest.

I can't see!

-How does it feel?

-Shocking!

We've also got this hairbrush...

That's more like it.

Oh, why me?

You just don't get these results with a normal hairbrush.

I think that's all we've got time for on today's...

You're forgetting our lovely jewellery.

Please, don't tell me...

Oh, gosh!

Now, there are only a few of these remaining, so you have to be quick.

Don't tell me people are actually buying these?

No, they've mostly caught fire.

Can someone grab the electrical fire extinguisher, please?

Eight...

Nine...

-WHISPER:

-Rattus!

-100.

And 99.

1,000.

That's it - I'm as fit as a flea.

And I should know, I've got plenty of them.

From trepanning, electric hairbrushes,

and the thousands of other weird and wacky ideas about health,

it was these next three huge discoveries

that really changed the world we live in today.

The amazing work of Edward Jenner,

Louis Pasteur, and Alexander Fleming

saved more lives than anything else in history.

You might not like having your injections,

but they protect you from lots of nasty illnesses and infections.

Thanks to them, we now all live longer, healthier lives.

Take it away, boys.

# I'm Edward Jenner and I was told

# Mates who got cowpox once never had another episode

# So I-I-I injected James Phipps with a strain

# He didn't catch smallpox

# He was as right as rain

# I gave him inoculations

# Despite some protestation

# It was the first vaccination

# Led to his rehabilitation

-# Inoculation

-Imagine my elation

-# Medication

-At my creation

-# And so my vaccination

-Vaccination

# Led to experimentation... #

By me!

# Louis Pasteur, if you please

# Thought if that worked Surely you can vaccinate

# Against all disease?

# So I

# Injected cholera into a hen

# Turns out I was right

# It lived to lay eggs again

# I gave him immunisation

# It was a made-up inoculation

-# Bit like my vaccination

-Vaccination

-# But with a modification

-Modification

# Turns out this application

# Was a critical transformation

# It was a combination

# Of scientific dedication...

# Alexander Fleming

# I invented penicillin

# Accidentally

# Like all the best discoveries

-# Him

-And him

-And me

# Saved more lives than anyone in history

# End disease that's killing

# With vaccinations and penicillin!

-# We gave you vaccination

-Good, good, good, vaccination

-# Penicillin and immunisation

-Immunisation

-# We gave you vaccination

-Good, good, good, vaccination

-# Penicillin and immunisation

-Vaccination

-# We gave you vaccination

-Good, good, good vaccination

-# Penicillin and immunisation

-Immunisation

-# We left a world that's cheerier

-Vaccination

# By dealing with bad bacteria. #

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #