Heroic Heroes & Villainous Villains Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description, Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Heroes and villains. In America, we've got plenty of both

and one of the best-known villains of the 20th century was the gangster

Al Capone.

Ah!

When alcohol was banned under a new law called prohibition,

Al Capone knew just what to do.

Sell it illegally and make stacks of cash.

With a little bit of violence and bribery along the way.

People of America,

for too long our country

has been drowning under a sea of wicked alcohol.

So today, our Government, with support from the Church,

has passed the Volstead Act.

Welcome to prohibition!

APPLAUSE

No alcohol?

Dream on, buddy. See, my name is Al Capone,

AKA the toughest gangster in all Chicago and, excuse me,

but I got a better idea.

MUSIC IN THE STYLE OF UPTOWN FUNK by Bruno Mars

# Government introduce alcohol prohibition

# So up in Chicago I began a grand crime mission

# Stealing goods in the hood, my business on the rise

# Illegal drink, avoid the clink because I'm organised

-# They said

-# You're bad!

# But I said strictly business

-# They claimed

-# You robbed!

# But my good friends bear witness

# All pure

# With innocent names like Golf Bag, Camel and Teats

# Killer, Enforcer, Machine Gun

# Nicer guys you couldn't hope to meet

# Local laws I abide

# Do as told by police tribes

# Especially since they take my bribes

# Cos Al Capone gonna sell it to you

# Downtown punk gonna flog it to you

# Gangster Al gonna flog you too

# Saturday night and daytime too

# Want to buy a nice watch?

# Downtown threat # That's me

# In my debt you'll be

# Downtown threat # That's me

# In my debt you'll be

# The law didn't last cos the government lost their bunk

# They drowned in drink, but I kept my head

# Sold milk instead

# Full throttle, get me in the pink

# When the milk went off it made a stink, so did I, and my desire

# Was to force them to put on a sell-by date

# My friends would help them expire

# Tough guy scar on my face, sent to jail on an income tax case

# History secures my final place

# As the man who brought you the sell-by date

# Can't believe it's gone off. #

Al Capone may have helped introduce the sell-by date,

but he was one scary guy.

Mind you, some people are scared of rats too.

They think we're villains.

I don't mind really.

Some historical villains are more interesting than the heroes.

In fact, I'm not even sure which I prefer.

It's the villains, of course, pal.

We got all the best looks and all the best lines.

Don't listen, my son.

'Tis heroes you prefer.

Our goodness has made the world a better place.

Oh, man, it's difficult to decide.

Maybe I should check out some heroes myself first.

Now, these guys trained to be astronauts at NASA in America

and their next mission will be one that changed the world.

How inspiring!

How boring!

Oh, for goodness' sake, be quiet, the pair of you!

-Neil Armstrong.

-Yes, sir.

-Michael Collins.

-Present, sir.

-Buzz Aldrin.

-Sir, yes, sir, I'm here, sir.

Gentlemen, we are sending you...

..to the moon.

-Yes!

-Awesome!

We won't let you down, sir. Just one question.

-How do we get there?

-Well, it's pretty straightforward.

In a nutshell, we put you in the tip of a huge rocket,

create a massive explosion at the bottom of the rocket

and point you at the moon.

Yeah, as illustration...

Well, you get the...

CAT YOWLS Aah!

Gentlemen, let me set your minds at rest

by explaining how this thing works.

First we ignite 4.7 million pounds of rocket fuel.

That is a lot of rocket fuel.

That gets you going at over 6,000 mph.

Whoargh...

At that point,

the bottom of the rocket falls off.

Wait, a bit falls off?

That gets you going at over 15,000 mph.

But first, another bit of the rocket falls off.

Oh, no,

just that bit.

You don't want this bit to fall off.

You guys would be... Anyway, there you go.

Once you fly around the Earth one time,

you accelerate to 25,000 mph...

Oh, no!

..to escape the orbit of the Earth.

I am so hot.

Then... Anyone?

-A bit falls off?

-Hey, give that man a Twinkie!

-I don't want a Twinkie.

-Oh, no...

Then, at that point, you detach the command module,

rotate it 180 degrees,

and connect it to the lunar module...

-Are you writing this down?

-No.

..and then you fly around the moon 30 times.

No, please. I'm going to be sick.

I am not OK with this.

And then, Buzz and Neil,

you detach the lunar module and land...

and land on the surface of the moon.

Easy! So...

..any questions?

Yes, sir, I have a question...

Those guys really did land on the moon in 1969,

braving outer space in a rocket

that had less technology than a modern smartphone.

100% heroes.

100% bozos.

All heroes are dull.

Well, that can't be true.

What about the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Ramesses?

Look at everything he achieved.

He was such a hero, they erected statues of him everywhere.

Who do you think ordered those statues?

Ah.

Today, I'm in ancient Egypt to meet a pharaoh

who likes to dream - and build - big.

Welcome to Historical Grand Designs.

Ramesses and his wife Nefertari

have won many battles and built incredible

cities and monuments,

none more so than the one they are planning right now.

Ramesses II, great to meet you.

Yeah, it is great to meet me.

Welcome to the mansion of the millions of years

of Usermaatre Setepenre

which joined with Thebes in the Domain of Amun.

We're going to call it the Ramesseum for short. My idea.

Yes, it's real gold.

Silly question,

but where on earth are you guys going to sleep?

Oh, no, no, no wrong end of the stick, big guy.

No, we're not going to live here.

I'm building this place so people can worship me after I'm dead.

Worship US. Worship us, darling.

You did promise.

And what's going to go over there?

Yeah, I'm thinking a massive statue of me

with my name carved in extra deep

so that no future pharaohs can come along

and chip it off and pretend it's them, like I do.

And what about over there? What's going there?

I'm thinking another massive statue of me.

What about over there? Another massive statue of you?

-No, no.

-A statue of me?

Two statues of me. Big fellas. Whoa!

OK, all right.

In fact, Ramesses plans to fill the entire Ramesseum

with statues of himself.

I just wonder if it might be a tiny bit statue-heavy?

Ramesses and Nefertari, it's been a lot of work.

Has it been worth it?

I don't know - ask the slaves.

I'm joking.

Please don't speak to the slaves.

So there you have it.

What better legacy could Ramesses leave behind than a temple full to

the brim with big...

-Headed...

-..statues?

Of me.

I kind of do the sign-offs, but...

Hello, supreme pharaoh Cleopatra here.

Now, being a leader is hard work and sometimes you have to be

pretty ruthless to keep hold of your throne.

And that includes being strict with your family.

I had four brothers and sisters in total,

but how many of them met a sticky end because of me?

Was it...

The answer is...

My brother, Ptolemy the 13th, died fighting me in battle.

My other brother, Ptolemy the 14th, was poisoned

and my sister, Arsinoe, was assassinated.

Well, if they will get in my way, what do they expect?

Aren't I awful?

Murdering your brothers and sisters - that's terrible.

It just goes to show it's not always easy to spot

who is a villain and who is a hero.

We Greeks even had a villain with "hero" in his name.

People of Ephesus, our city has suffered a terrible crime.

The Temple of Artemis, one of the seven wonders of the world,

has been burned to the ground by the villain, Herostratus.

ALL: Oh, no.

He committed the crime for one reason only.

To make himself famous.

-Typical.

-To deny him this,

it is henceforth forbidden on pain of death

to speak the name Herostratus.

You just said it.

No, no, no, no, it's not started yet.

So the law against saying Herostratus actually starts...

..n-n-no-o-o-o-o-o...

ALL: Herostratus, Herostratus, Herostratus, Herostratus...

-..o-o-o-o...

-ALL: ..Herostratus, Herostratus...

...o-o-w!

What about writing it down?

I mean, if you write it down,

it's not the same as saying, "Herostratus".

-Oh.

-Right, he said it.

-Arrest him.

-No, no, no, I didn't.

I said, "hero stabilisers".

That's what I said, didn't I?

It's made up. It's made up.

-It's good.

-All right.

Just not Herostratus.

Ah!

-Fair enough.

-Sorry I'm late, everyone.

-What have I missed?

-There's a new law.

You can't mention... You know...

No, I don't know. I've only just arrived.

H-h-h-h...

He who must not be named.

Voldemort?

Thanks very much.

Sorry, I can't read.

-What does that say?

-Herostratus.

-He said it!

-Said what?

Herostratus!

-Who's Herostratus?

-Everybody's got to stop saying Herostratus.

He's done it again!

Someone must've said Herostratus.

-I'm under arrest.

-He said Herostratus.

I said it again!

What was his name again?

Herostratus.

Ha-ha, made you say it.

-Made me say what?

-Herostratus.

-Ha-ha.

-Stop it, the pair of you.

I wonder who history's deadliest villains would be?

Well, there's only one man who could tell us.

I'm Steve Biceps and this is my search for History's Deadliest 60.

I'm going in.

We're here in the 18th century and just over there is

Prince William Augustus, the infamous Butcher Cumberland.

Let's take a closer look.

No, sorry, Steve, keep it on.

OK.

What a remarkable animal.

-Certainly one of my favourites.

-Boo!

-Argh!

He smashed the Scots at the Battle of Culloden,

he shot retreating men in the back and he wiped out the Highland clan

leaders and, if that wasn't horrible enough,

he actually tried to ban tartan.

You wouldn't call this tartan, would you?

It's more of a snazzy check.

What is the meaning of this?

All right, big guy, calm down, calm down.

We need to show him that we are not a threat.

One false move and we could become Cumberland sausages.

Wiping out a whole national identity,

the Butcher of Cumberland makes my Deadly 60.

Come here!

Leg it! Leg it!

Run! Run!

See you next time.

Hi, I'm Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General.

Has your horse gone lame?

Your milk turned sour?

Does your ear feel a bit hot?

Then either you've mistreated your horse,

left your milk out in the sun and got a sunburned ear,

or you've been cursed by a witch!

You need Witch Out.

To repel all witches' curses.

Because they're everywhere and you don't always know you've got them.

For the unbelievably low price of all your money,

our technician will visit your hovel

and install the Witch Out

curse repeller into your wall.

All you've done is put a shoe in a wall.

Witch! She's a witch!

-Arrest her!

-I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

That's exactly what a witch would say anyway.

Why not try our new premium Witch Out device?

Bang! And the curse is gone.

Where's Mr Fluffkins gone?

Don't tell me - you ain't stuffed my cat up the...

Witch! She's a witch! Get the witch!

I ain't a witch. I'm an old lady.

No matter which Witch Out you choose,

witches watch out - with Witch Out,

we keep witches at bay the Witch Out way.

As recommended in

Witch? magazine.

Matthew Hopkins really did accuse

lots of innocent women of being witches

and he made a lot of money doing it too.

I suppose you're going to defend him?

Actually, no, that would be pretty bad, even for a demon.

Yeah, I think we've had our share of villains for the moment, don't you?

How about looking at some true British heroes?

Maybe just this once.

But I won't enjoy it.

OK, this British hero was the tops.

And the bottoms.

I don't find that funny.

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-Oh, hi.

I'm heroic swashbuckling privateer, buccaneer and adventurer

Sir Walter Raleigh. I was a favourite of Elizabeth I,

explored America,

and went on the hunt for the mythical City of Gold, Eldorado!

Now, sailing across the ocean in Tudor times could be tricky.

And we didn't have any toilets on ships, so here's a top tip from me.

If you gotta go, go over the side.

PARP!

SPLASH!

Ooh, a floater!

Hmm.

Aargh!

Another top tip, make sure you hold on to something.

Ah, not a floater.

Top tip, Mr Raleigh.

Elizabeth I certainly thought Sir Walter Raleigh was a hero

but the Spanish sailors he attacked definitely thought he was a villain.

Confusing, isn't it?

Well, here's a hero from World War II we can all agree on.

Douglas Bader.

Despite losing both legs in an accident,

he still flew fighter planes in the Battle of Britain.

And when he was captured,

he never gave up his efforts to beat the enemy.

I must say, I appreciate you letting a British bomber drop me a new

artificial leg after I lost the other in the crash.

Keep this one company.

You're welcome.

What with us being sworn enemies.

Yeah, we wouldn't do this for any other prisoner of war,

but to the German military, Douglas Bader,

the fighter pilot that shot down 23 planes with no legs,

is a leg-end.

I think it's pronounced legend, but thank you very much.

Also your bomber pilots promised not to drop any bombs whilst delivering

the new leg. We do, however, have one request.

Yes, anything, dear boy.

-Name it.

-Please stop escaping.

-That old chestnut.

-It is very embarrassing, Herr Bader.

You keep running away with no legs.

Makes us look really bad.

Are you sure it's just that which is making you look bad?

Even in hospital, you tied your sheets together and leapt out of

the window. Where were you going?

You're in Germany. With one tin leg, for blooming sake.

Well, I'm afraid it is the duty of every British officer

to try to escape.

Yeah, yeah, "a duty is a duty". Just stop it.

PLANE ENGINE ROARS

There it is.

Right, I hope this gesture will stop you trying to escape.

If not, then I will send you to Colditz,

a fortress from which THERE IS NO ESCAPE!

Sorry. A little bit shouty.

Force of habit.

Well, I promise, no escaping.

Good. And I trust you.

-You can trust me.

-Just as I trust your bomber pilots who promised

not to drop bombs after delivering the leg.

Although thinking about it,

it's a little bit weird to choose bomber planes when a regular plane

would be just as good.

Unless, of course, you wish to drop...

BOOM!

Oh, come on!

We had a deal!

Can you believe these guys?

Not cool!

He's legged it.

He's legged it.

Aargh! I mean, ah.

I mean, hello.

I'm Admiral Lord Nelson and I have a question for you.

I was one of the greatest heroes of the British Empire, so when I was

finally killed at the victorious Battle of Trafalgar,

what did the sailors do with my body?

Did they...

The answer is...

They shoved me in a barrel of brandy.

It's not as bad as it sounds, though.

It was the best way to preserve my body so that I could have a proper

funeral when I got home.

Mind you, there was a rumour that the sailors

actually drank the brandy on the journey home.

I mean, can you imagine?

I know people like their drinks full-bodied,

but that's just ridiculous!

We're here in the 17th century,

on the lookout for one of history's most

ambitious predators.

Let's hide.

I've spotted him.

Just over there, that's Guy Fawkes.

Now, he may look cute, but there's one deadly little fella.

Guy Fawkes wants to blow up everyone in the Houses of Parliament,

including the King.

With that massive pile of gunpowder.

But what's this?

Stop! In the name of the King!

I can explain.

Guy might be a villain, but his plot is an epic fail and,

for that reason, he doesn't make my Deadly 60.

Some guys have none of the luck, do they?

Anyway, join me next time on...

No! No! No!

No!

If Guy Fawkes had succeeded,

he would probably have gone down as

one of the most villainous villains in all history.

And, even worse, we wouldn't get to have Bonfire Night.

OK, next, a heroine

who helped to change the way we think about the world

and all the people in it.

Hello and welcome to this special event,

as we are set to see the latest exotic import from America.

Today I would like to introduce to you a beautiful young princess

from the Powhatan Pamunkey Indians of Virginia.

Discovered by British explorers and brought here to London

to show how the savage has been tamed.

I give you Pocahontas.

Fascinating. There hasn't been this much excitement since the potato.

-Thank you for coming to my lecture.

-Your lecture?

I first discovered this man and his friends near my village

on the eastern coast of America.

There's some confusion over who discovered who.

What are you talking about? You didn't discover us.

We discovered you, remember?

As I was saying before I was interrupted,

when we discovered these people, they were so backwards.

They couldn't feed themselves.

We had to keep them alive by bringing them food.

Well, this is unexpected.

Oh, that is true, actually.

She did do that, but this is absurd.

Nobody had even set foot in the Americas until we landed there and

-discovered you.

-Well, obviously we had set foot on it.

As you can see, these childlike savages

barely understand basic logic and geography.

All right, all right, all right.

Look, let's agree to compromise.

Let's say we discovered each other.

That sounds fair.

So, to conclude, one of us is a simple savage.

And one of us is the Princess of the Pamunkey Indians.

Right. Look, OK, we've got cannons, we've got guns, we've got armour.

We could kill every single last one of you if we wanted.

Who's the savage now, eh?

I think you just answered your own question.

Fair point, yeah.

I'm here in Victorian England

on the lookout for another dangerous predator.

-Oh, cut.

-What?

Oh, how did that happen?

All right, all right, keep your shirt on.

Look, over there. That's Her Majesty Queen Victoria.

So majestic in her natural habitat.

But we're actually looking for someone else over there.

That guy is Roderick Maclean.

Now, he wants to kill Queen Victoria

because she laughed at some of his poems.

To be fair, they weren't that great.

He's missed, but this plucky fella is persistent -

he's going to try again. Look at this,

he's been spotted by a pack of schoolboys.

They're going in for the kill.

That is truly magnificent, isn't it?

Unfortunately, I can only sit and watch

because I can't interfere with nature.

Sorry, Roderick, you're well dodgy, but you don't make my Deadly 60.

Agh! No, no! Not me!

Not me! That is not cricket!

Sun's out, guns out. See you next time.

Look, you know what? I've made up my mind.

I might be a rat, but that doesn't mean I can't be a hero.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Yes! In your face, Devil Rat.

Eat my halo!

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

Well, that wasn't very heroic.

Uh-oh.

Well, it's obviously very hard being a hero.

But here's one man who managed it - Martin Luther King.

Yes, in the 1960s in the USA,

there were villainous laws telling black people what they could

and couldn't do. It was called segregation.

It forced people to live in much worse conditions,

and just because of the colour of their skin.

It was worth fighting against, and that was just what he did.

Take it away, Dr King.

MUSIC IN THE STYLE OF HEROES by David Bowie

# I'm

# Martin Luther King

# And I

# I had a dream

# It said the victory of civil rights

# Was brought about thanks to me

# But there were many, many more

# Who made it reality

# They were the heroes

# Who made a dream come true

# A Southern Christian Leadership Group was formed

# Supported by black and white

# Police arrested me

# 30 times

# Like that would make me give up the fight

# Black and white kept apart

# At school and even water fountains

# But President Johnson's bold civil rights laws

# Helped me climb further up the mountain

# They were the heroes

# Every day

# I

# Have a dream

# That one day my children will not be judged

# By the colour of their skin

# But by the content of their character

# When my life was ended

# Theirs did begin

# Within days of my assassination

# Legislation was ushered in

# And they were the heroes

# Who made the dream come true

# And they were the heroes

# Who made a dream come true. #

If not, then I will send you to Codzitz,

a fortress from which...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

What?!

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #