Staggering Storytellers Horrible Histories


Staggering Storytellers

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# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that

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# And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Horrible Histories presents... Staggering Storytellers!

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From the dawn of time,

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mankind has been fascinated by the power of stories.

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In time of mighty warrior, one man hunt for food.

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-WHISPERING:

-I'm so sorry. So sorry.

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-Ow!

-Thank you.

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-Sorry.

-Ssh!

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Him brave man.

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Big spear!

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Why's he talking like that?

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Him run over by mammoth.

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Sorry, don't know why I'm talking like that.

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-He was run over by a mammoth.

-Oh.

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Oh, here you go.

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-What? I asked for a large.

-It's all they had left.

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In time of hunger, one man fight mighty bison!

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BISON NOISE

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Hey, isn't that that same stick man that we saw in the other one,

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-you know, about the tiger? Oh, what was his name? Um...

-Not sure.

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No, Um. That's his name.

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Oh, OK.

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Him fight many more animal. Antelope.

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ANTELOPE CALLS THEY GASP

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Wild boar.

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BOAR GRUNTS

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Wolf!

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WOLF HOWLS

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Action montage!

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ANIMALS ROAR AND GROWL

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The special effects are amazing.

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It's CGI - Cave Generated Imagery.

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Spear!

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Blood!

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Animal fall off cliff.

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The end.

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Still showing Bison Chase Two - This Time It Personal.

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Plus, Ice Age.

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Oh, what's that about?

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No, actual Ice Age.

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Cave shut for ages.

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Well, at least we'll save money on the baby-sitter.

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Yes, it's true!

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People used to tell stories using pictures,

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long before they had written words. Probably mostly about hunting.

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Now, even I can hunt. But can I write a great story?

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Something about a brave, handsome rat...

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Hm...

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Maybe, if I meet some famous writers, I can get some tips!

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Ow, ow, ow!

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Not THOSE kinds of tips, you...Neanderthal!

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Hello.

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I'm well-known writer DH Lawrence.

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I wrote important novels, including Women In Love and The Rainbow.

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But when I'm struggling to think of something to write,

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I climb a mulberry tree.

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Naked.

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-Oh!

-Morning!

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SQUEAKING

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Bonus tip, check for squirrels BEFORE you take your clothes off.

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Oh!

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Friendly fellow.

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Welcome to The Great Storytellers Bake Off.

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Our bakers are all children's authors,

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so today's Showstopper Challenge

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is to create a feast for a birthday party.

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Hello. Now. Who are you?

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Dahl. Roald Dahl.

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And I'm concocting nish nobblers and snozcumbers,

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with a splendiferous fudge mallow delight.

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Plus edible teacups.

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Sounds a bit basic, don't you think, Mary?

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-We'll see.

-Yeah, we will.

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I'm Enid Blyton.

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I shall be making sardine sandwiches with ginger pop

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and lashings of boiled eggs -

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every child's absolute favourite meal.

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-And what about a cake?

-Oh, they won't have time for cake.

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They'll be off having adventures and chasing smugglers!

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Well, sounds a bit risky, don't you think, Mary?

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Chasing smugglers?

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No. The sardines and boiled eggs!

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Hope it's not a sleepover.

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HE LAUGHS

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Gas Mark ten. Oof!

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THEY LAUGH

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And our third contestant is...

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Lewis Carroll.

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And I will be making a drink

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that makes you smaller,

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and a cake that makes you bigger.

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Don't all cakes make you bigger?

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Well, you should know.

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SHE LAUGHS

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-On your marks, get set, bake!

-On your marks, get set, bake!

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It's time to see how our contestants have got on.

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First up, bestselling author Roald Dahl.

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A spaghetti cake?

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It's a bit, er, wriggly.

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Yes, it's worm spaghetti.

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It's raw in the middle!

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I rather like it.

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Hello.

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And next, we have Enid Blyton.

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The end.

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Now. Enid.

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I think I'll try one of your...

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ooh, edible teacups!

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MARY SPLUTTERS

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HE was the one with the edible teacups.

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Scrum-diddly-umptious!

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And lastly, author of Alice in Wonderland,

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Lewis Carroll.

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Behold!

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The greatest party food ever created.

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"Drink me!" OK.

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HE GASPS

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Oh, I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking!

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How will I ever get big again?

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Maybe I should have one of these biscuits?

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Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

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You haven't baked anything, have you?

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No. I haven't, no.

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Judging is the hardest part of the show.

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But I suppose this week's Star Baker is...

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..ro...ee...oo...lee...oo...

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Enid!

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Oh, hurrah and huzzah! Jolly good effort, I say.

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And the holidays have only just begun!

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Here's to many more adventures in our secret tent.

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Is it possible for someone to be Star Baker,

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-AND be sent home?

-Yes.

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Did anyone see my cake wriggle past?

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Oh, hello again!

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Roald Dahl here. Now.

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I wrote lots of wonder-fabulous books for children.

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But what was my job when I was a boy?

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Did I work as...

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The answer is...

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A! I worked as a taster for a chocolate factory.

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And I can still do it. Watch.

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See? Now, I can tell, just from one tiny bite,

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that I'm going to eat the entire thing.

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ELEPHANTS TRUMPET

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On with my story. Oh, no,

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I've forgotten my quill! Excuse I.

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SQUAWKING

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You've got a whole bottomful, I only want one!

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There we are. Now.

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The best stories often have an important meaning.

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Hm. Maybe I could learn something

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from this famous Indian storyteller.

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I have brought a great wise man to teach you

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with the power of his stories.

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Welcome, the great Vishnu Sharma.

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'Sup, kids?

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Storyteller in da house,

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whoop, whoop! Woo!

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You like animal stories, yeah?

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Who likes turtles?

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Sweet!

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Well, this turtle wants to move, yeah?

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So he gets a stick in his mouth

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and two herons either side to fly him to the new gaff.

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The herons tell him to keep his mouth shut or he'll fall, get me?

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And he opens his mouth to say, "OK!"

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And BAM!

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Serious shellshock for Mr Turtle.

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HE LAUGHS

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Yeah, so!

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What's the moral there, guys?

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-Never trust a heron?

-No.

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-Turtles talk too much?

-No.

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-Never bite a stick?

-No.

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It's, "Always listen to the advice of friends." Yeah?

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Why not just say that?

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Because you'll remember it better through the magic of stories! So...

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once there was a king with a pet monkey.

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And the monkey protected the king while he slept.

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Then one day, as he was sleeping,

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a fly landed on his chest. Yeah?

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And the monkey, like, attacked the fly with a sword

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and killed the king!

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-Moral me up!

-Well, that one's easy.

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-ALL:

-Don't give swords to monkeys.

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No!

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It's, "A foolish friend can cause you more harm than your enemy."

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-And never employ a monkey as bodyguard.

-No!

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So we SHOULD get a monkey bodyguard? I told you, Dad!

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All right, yeah, yeah, I'll look into it.

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But I'm not arming him!

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Yeah, I got that from your story.

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No, you did... That's not...

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Oh, you know what. Just forget it.

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You can teach yourselves.

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Could the monkey have a shield?

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That's just what I was thinking.

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Hello. I'm very serious writer George Eliot.

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My advice for women writers

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in Victorian times is, "if you want to be taken seriously,

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"pretend to be a man."

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George! You coming to the boxing?

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-GRUFF VOICE:

-I wouldn't miss it for the world, mate.

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That's what I did.

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I even changed my name.

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My real name is Mary Ann Evans.

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-GRUFF VOICE:

-I'll be with you in a minute, lads.

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I've just got to pop to the ladies.

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I-I mean gents.

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I've got a massive thunder trump brewing!

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You see? I'm a very convincing man.

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-SHE FARTS REPEATEDLY

-Oh.

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I think that last part's coming true.

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Now, back to my story. I think I'm going to write a comedy.

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It's funny when other people fall over or get bonked on the head.

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Ow!

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I said OTHER people.

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Now, you know they didn't even have comedy stories

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until the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes invented them?

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Up to then, it had been tragedies all the way.

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HE LAUGHS

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Maestro, you sent for me?

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We actors await your new tragedy with bated breath.

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Well, actually, Larocles, I thought I'd try something...

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a little bit different for this play.

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I'm calling it "comedy".

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Co-ma-dy?

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Have a look at this. This is a joke.

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What do you get if you cross an Athenian with a Spartan?

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A dead Athenian.

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ARISTOPHANES LAUGHS

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Oh, woe! Poor Athenian!

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Plucked from us in the prime...!

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-No, no.

-It was too much, wasn't it?

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No, it's not sad. It's just funny.

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Perhaps I'm not explaining myself.

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MUSIC: Tragedy by Steps

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# Tragedy is a story where the end is sad... #

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-Of course.

-HE GROANS

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# Now just try and imagine everyone is glad... #

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OK.

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# We still fight

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# But instead of killing just say, "all right"

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# Life's too short for enmity

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# Hostility

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# Let's just agree to disagree

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# Comedy!

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# When you've had enough of people dying

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# Comedy!

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# Take a break and laugh at that man lying flat on his back

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# Slipped on a banana skin - how funny's that? #

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It's funny!

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# Comedy!

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# Sure the punters would pay good money

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# Comedy!

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# Falling down - now that is funny

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# Oh, what a gas

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# Did not see it coming... #

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Ah!

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Now, that is top class.

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SMASHING

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There were lots of stories in the old days,

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but there weren't many books.

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So if you wanted to hear a story, you had to find someone

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who knew it off by heart and get them to tell it to you.

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But all that changed with the printing press.

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Finally, people could get hold of any book they wanted.

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Although not straight away, of course.

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MUTTERING

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Hello. I'm trying to get hold of a printed book in English.

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Oh, well, you've come to the right place, sir.

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I am William Caxton,

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and I have printed the first-ever book in English.

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The History Of Troy by Raoul Lefevre.

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Would you like a bag?

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What I'm looking for is a copy of the tales of King Arthur.

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Right, I'm afraid I don't have that one.

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But I do have this, the History Of Troy.

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Is it worth you checking your stockroom?

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No, it's not, because at the moment this is the only book

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printed in English in the whole world.

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Did you say you wanted a bag, or...?

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-Do you have any biographies?

-No.

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-Thrillers?

-No.

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-Teen vampire fiction?

-No.

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An adventure involving some talking animals

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-on a hazardous cross-country journey? Think Madagascar.

-No.

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No, because this is the only option. There are no other books!

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Maybe I should check somewhere else.

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No, it doesn't matter which bookshop you go to,

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they're all going to say the same thing. And that is that I,

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William Caxton, have printed the first-ever book in English.

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-Then I am definitely in the right place.

-Yes!

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May I please have a copy of...

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the tales of King Arthur?

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Get out.

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You know what, this book is not half bad.

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OK, on with my story.

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Hmm.

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What I need are some top characters that people are going to remember.

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Could be something scary, like a monster... Grr!

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Or a wizard.

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"You shall not pass!"

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Oh, oh, oh! What about a detective?

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No-one's written about a detective before, have they?

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What's that?

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Oh.

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Ah! My husband! He's been murdered.

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I need a brilliant but eccentric detective

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with a lovable but dim-witted companion.

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And I am here. The great Hercule Poirot.

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And my loyal ami, Captain Hastings.

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Good day.

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I think you'll find she's talking about me.

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-Sherlock Holmes, and my good friend, Dr Watson.

-Best friend!

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Or could it be me?

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Chevalier Auguste Dupin, and my faithful companion...

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Well, he doesn't have a name, but you get the idea.

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-Dupin? Never heard of you.

-Me either.

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I don't care who you are, there's been a murder!

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Yes, and I am here to solve this terrible crime.

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But I was here first.

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Actually, I was written by Edgar Allan Poe in 1841,

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that's 45 years before either of you,

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which makes me the first detective in the history of stories.

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The first, maybe. But not the best.

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Even Arthur Conan Doyle said I was the best.

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Eh?

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He mentioned me in two of your stories.

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Well, YOU only have three of your own adventures,

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-whereas

-I

-am featured in four novels and 56 stories.

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Not that I'm counting.

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Pah! I am in 33 novels, over 50 stories and a play.

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Not to mention the TV series and the movies. Plus...

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..this tea towel, available at 5.99

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from all good retailers.

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That's actually not bad value...

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Look, I think you'll find the most portrayed movie character

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of all time is...

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me.

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Um...about my husband?

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-Madame, it is not all about you.

-No-one cares.

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Neither of you two would have ever existed if it wasn't for me,

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Chevalier Auguste Dupin.

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Du-pointe-less, more like.

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Du-pants, I should have said before you.

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HE YAWNS

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Sorry. SHE GASPS

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I was looking for a button down the back of the sofa,

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and I fell asleep. What am I like? Found it!

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-Of course you found it.

-I...

-I knew all along that it...

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-Obviously, I could see...

-It was elementary...

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-..he was breathing.

-Zut alors!

0:17:040:17:06

Oh, sorry, I think I just leant on the light switch.

0:17:060:17:09

Hello. I'm Beatrix Potter.

0:17:160:17:18

And I wrote all those lovely stories

0:17:180:17:20

about talking frogs, and kittens, and rabbits.

0:17:200:17:23

But if I wanted to make up some nasty things,

0:17:230:17:26

I'd write them in code, so that only I could understand them.

0:17:260:17:29

My tip for you is that if you're writing in code,

0:17:290:17:33

always try and remember what that code is.

0:17:330:17:37

I wish I'd done that.

0:17:380:17:40

I-I have literally no idea what this says. I...

0:17:400:17:43

Something about jam?

0:17:430:17:45

THUNDER ROLLS

0:17:460:17:48

Rain, gloom and despair.

0:17:480:17:51

A distant volcano has pulled a veil over the sun.

0:17:510:17:55

Let us meet this dread ambience with ghost stories.

0:17:550:17:59

If you dare, Polidori?

0:17:590:18:01

Yeah, that's a great idea, Byron. Yeah, I've got one, actually.

0:18:010:18:04

Oh. Of course.

0:18:040:18:06

Well, you go first, I suppose.

0:18:060:18:08

So, the main character, he's an attractive, dangerous,

0:18:080:18:14

British noble man.

0:18:140:18:16

Sounds familiar.

0:18:160:18:17

But he harbours a dark, bloody, secret.

0:18:170:18:20

I do? He does?

0:18:200:18:22

He sucks his wife's blood.

0:18:220:18:25

He is called...

0:18:260:18:28

the Vampyre!

0:18:280:18:30

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:18:300:18:33

Ha... I-I thought I'd left something...behind there.

0:18:420:18:45

-Anyway, my story.

-I've got one.

0:18:450:18:48

Ugh. Mary Shelley.

0:18:480:18:50

Well, this should be good.

0:18:500:18:51

What are you, 12?

0:18:510:18:53

What's it about?

0:18:530:18:55

Losing your pencil case?

0:18:550:18:57

I'm 18.

0:18:570:18:58

It's about a science student called Frankenstein,

0:18:580:19:02

who creates a monster by stitching together

0:19:020:19:06

bits...of...dead...bodies.

0:19:060:19:09

Oh, cripes!

0:19:090:19:11

On his wedding night, the monster finds the student's wife...

0:19:110:19:16

Run for your life, woman!

0:19:160:19:17

..and murders her!

0:19:170:19:19

MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

0:19:190:19:24

OK, now I'm finished!

0:19:280:19:29

Yeah, there's, er, definitely something with the, um...

0:19:310:19:34

Yeah, yeah, there's definitely...

0:19:340:19:36

It might be the pelmet up top, actually...

0:19:360:19:37

-Pelmet, probably the pelmet.

-Your go, Byron.

0:19:370:19:40

Oh, it's, er... It's getting late.

0:19:400:19:43

I, um... I think I may just go upstairs and hide...er, sleep.

0:19:430:19:47

Come on, Byron, we've both told a story.

0:19:470:19:50

Now it's your turn.

0:19:500:19:51

Oh, er, all right.

0:19:510:19:53

Um...

0:19:530:19:54

Look out, there's a monster!

0:19:540:19:55

THEY LAUGH

0:19:550:19:57

That is literally the rubbishest story I've ever heard.

0:19:570:20:00

No, I'm serious. My pet bear has escaped.

0:20:000:20:02

Ooh!

0:20:020:20:04

BEAR ROARS

0:20:040:20:05

THEY SCREAM

0:20:050:20:07

Who's scared now?

0:20:070:20:09

Argh!

0:20:090:20:10

WHISPERS: It's true!

0:20:130:20:14

Polidori and Mary Shelley really did come up with...

0:20:140:20:17

..the Vampyre and Frankenstein on the same night.

0:20:190:20:23

Have they gone?

0:20:230:20:25

Phew! I'm definitely not doing a horror story.

0:20:260:20:29

What I need is a good plot and some great characters.

0:20:320:20:35

Once I've got that, maybe I'll be able to write stories

0:20:350:20:38

as good as the ones these incredible writers came up with.

0:20:380:20:42

Take it away, ladies!

0:20:420:20:44

MUSIC: Black Magic by Little Mix

0:20:440:20:46

# All the girls writing books knocking at your door

0:20:460:20:49

# Know how to tell a story so that you want more

0:20:530:20:55

# There was a time when only misters

0:20:590:21:02

# Wrote the books but now the sisters

0:21:020:21:04

# Have started doing it for themselves

0:21:040:21:07

# We were told cooking's all we could do

0:21:080:21:10

# So we invented a magic stew

0:21:100:21:12

# Of books that are flying off the shelves

0:21:120:21:15

# The girls were always looked upon

0:21:160:21:18

# As being weaker

0:21:180:21:20

# Don't say that to Hetty Feather

0:21:200:21:23

# Or Tracy Beaker

0:21:230:21:25

# Why do people so love stories?

0:21:250:21:27

# Cos from cradle to the grave

0:21:270:21:29

# These stories help us work out

0:21:290:21:31

# How we should behave

0:21:310:21:33

# Ooh, oo-ooh ooh

0:21:330:21:36

# We adore that magic... #

0:21:360:21:38

Hey!

0:21:390:21:41

# Girls and boys always kept the light on

0:21:420:21:44

# Had to finish every Enid Blyton

0:21:440:21:46

# 700 books in 50 years

0:21:460:21:49

# Helped to grow the story habit

0:21:510:21:53

# Even when told by a rabbit

0:21:530:21:55

# Listen to my stories

0:21:550:21:56

# You're all ears

0:21:560:21:58

# Secret Seven, Famous Five

0:21:590:22:01

# Always caught the crook

0:22:010:22:03

# Noughts And Crosses was no game

0:22:030:22:06

# At least not in MY book

0:22:060:22:07

# Why do people so love stories?

0:22:080:22:10

# You all want to be that sleuth

0:22:100:22:12

# These stories may be lies but

0:22:120:22:14

# They're how we learn the truth

0:22:140:22:16

# Ooh, oo-ooh ooh

0:22:160:22:19

# Even Peter Rabbit. #

0:22:190:22:21

Hey!

0:22:220:22:23

# All the girls in the books knocking at the door

0:22:250:22:27

# It's not just about the boys no more

0:22:290:22:31

# Everybody loves a hero, true

0:22:330:22:36

# But a hero can be a she-ro too

0:22:370:22:40

# Why do people so love stories?

0:22:420:22:44

# Mother, father, child or friend

0:22:440:22:46

# Cos they bring us close together

0:22:460:22:48

# Hope the story never ends

0:22:480:22:51

# Ooh, oo-ooh, ooh... #

0:22:510:22:53

Cos it's really magic.

0:22:530:22:55

Hey!

0:22:560:22:58

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

0:22:590:23:00

# Why do people so love stories?

0:23:000:23:01

# We just hope you've seen our text

0:23:010:23:04

# Everybody wants to know... #

0:23:040:23:05

What happens next? Ooh!

0:23:060:23:08

THEY LAUGH

0:23:150:23:16

Silly!

0:23:160:23:17

Hello. I'm Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

0:23:170:23:19

And I wrote poems with fantastic stories,

0:23:190:23:22

such as the Charge Of The Light Brigade

0:23:220:23:23

and The Lady Of Shalott.

0:23:230:23:25

Now, being a writer is hard work, so my tip is...

0:23:250:23:29

..keep a sense of humour.

0:23:300:23:32

My favourite joke is to pull my trousers down at parties

0:23:320:23:36

and pretend I'm going to the toilet.

0:23:360:23:38

-Oh, no. He's going to do it again.

-Ugh.

0:23:400:23:42

FARTING NOISES

0:23:420:23:43

Look at me!

0:23:430:23:44

Go, go.

0:23:440:23:46

Everybody thinks this is hilarious.

0:23:460:23:48

FARTING NOISE

0:23:480:23:49

Everybody?

0:23:490:23:50

Hello?

0:23:500:23:51

I'm here in Boston, USA,

0:23:540:23:56

where fans have camped overnight to see their hero.

0:23:560:23:59

He's not a pop singer or a movie star.

0:23:590:24:01

He's the author of classic novels

0:24:010:24:02

like Oliver Twist and A Christmas Carol.

0:24:020:24:05

Charles Dickens!

0:24:050:24:06

SCREAMING Oh!

0:24:060:24:10

Dickens! Dickens!

0:24:110:24:15

I'm cosplaying Nancy.

0:24:190:24:20

I'm his biggest fan!

0:24:200:24:22

I haven't washed since the last time he was here.

0:24:220:24:25

Wasn't that 20 years ago?

0:24:250:24:27

Don't be ridiculous, it was 25!

0:24:270:24:29

Whoo!

0:24:290:24:31

Oh, that's ripe.

0:24:310:24:33

I love him so much,

0:24:330:24:35

I made my own Dickens beard.

0:24:350:24:36

And I've changed my name!

0:24:360:24:38

That's not even how you spell...

0:24:380:24:40

It doesn't matter.

0:24:400:24:41

No. Mr Dickens!

0:24:420:24:44

I love you.

0:24:440:24:45

Mr Dickens, you must love America.

0:24:450:24:48

Ha! Hardly.

0:24:480:24:50

When I first arrived, there was tobacco spit everywhere.

0:24:500:24:54

And I didn't get a penny from the book sales.

0:24:540:24:56

Well, I'm doing it right this time. 19 large.

0:24:560:24:59

Oh, ha. And you must love the fans!

0:24:590:25:01

CHEERING

0:25:010:25:02

You're joking, aren't you?

0:25:020:25:03

I can't drink a glass of water

0:25:030:25:05

without 100 people watching me.

0:25:050:25:07

Oh, my, here they come.

0:25:070:25:09

I love you SO MUCH.

0:25:100:25:13

SHE SNIFFS

0:25:130:25:15

It looks like Dickens' visit has been a big success.

0:25:150:25:18

His popularity here in the US isn't going to wane any time soon.

0:25:180:25:22

Oh, please let it wane.

0:25:220:25:24

I really want it to wane.

0:25:240:25:25

-We're getting married!

-We're not.

0:25:250:25:28

We're getting married!

0:25:280:25:29

We're not!

0:25:290:25:31

Ugh. Americans!

0:25:310:25:33

Oh, hello, I'm Charles Dickens

0:25:330:25:35

and I have written a very special question for you.

0:25:350:25:38

What was the name of my favourite cat?

0:25:380:25:42

The answer is C.

0:25:490:25:51

He didn't have a name.

0:25:510:25:52

He was so deaf,

0:25:520:25:53

I didn't see any point in naming him.

0:25:530:25:56

Isn't that right?

0:25:560:25:57

What do you want, you want to go out?

0:25:570:26:00

Do you want to go out?

0:26:000:26:01

DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT?

0:26:020:26:04

OUT?

0:26:050:26:06

Yeah, I'm more of a dog person myself.

0:26:060:26:08

I told you I wanted the dog blow-dried. You're fired!

0:26:100:26:13

-'Wait, no...'

-Oh!

0:26:130:26:15

The Brontes! What a treat.

0:26:150:26:17

A whole family of writers. From Yorkshire!

0:26:170:26:20

Ee by gum, Emmerdale.

0:26:200:26:21

Do you want a black puddin'? With a wassock butty?

0:26:210:26:25

Love your work, love your work, love your work,

0:26:250:26:27

don't know who you are.

0:26:270:26:28

I'm their brother. I'm a poet. My name's Branwell.

0:26:280:26:30

Of course you are, they always let one slip by reception. Terence!

0:26:300:26:33

Fire Amanda in reception.

0:26:330:26:35

So, super excited to be publishing your books. Super excited.

0:26:350:26:39

Let me tell you, Anne, I... YOU are going to make lots of money.

0:26:390:26:43

I'm Charlotte. I'm the eldest.

0:26:430:26:46

I LOVED Wuthering Heights.

0:26:460:26:48

That were me.

0:26:480:26:49

-So you're Charlotte?

-No, I'm Emily. Middle sister.

0:26:490:26:52

-So, you wrote Tenant Of Wildfell Hall?

-Ugh.

0:26:520:26:54

That were me. I'm Anne, the youngest.

0:26:540:26:56

Which one of you's Jane Eyre?

0:26:560:26:58

That's a book I wrote.

0:26:580:26:59

How wonderfully confusing, darlings.

0:26:590:27:02

Mm, OK, have to work on this.

0:27:020:27:04

Treat you all like a girl band.

0:27:040:27:06

Scary Bronte, definitely Scary Bronte. Scary Bronte, ha.

0:27:060:27:09

Let's keep it simple.

0:27:090:27:11

You are...The Bronte sisters.

0:27:110:27:14

But...I'm a Bronte brother.

0:27:140:27:16

Are you still here?

0:27:160:27:18

I thought, as part of the marketing campaign,

0:27:180:27:20

we could use this picture...

0:27:200:27:21

that I painted of us all.

0:27:210:27:23

Ugh. I much prefer the other version. Terence.

0:27:230:27:26

Three sisters, alone, facing a world of men.

0:27:280:27:32

-And will it work?

-You'll sell millions, darlings, millions.

0:27:320:27:36

That's great news! We're going to be famous.

0:27:360:27:39

Less of the "we", Branflakes.

0:27:390:27:41

You ladies are legends.

0:27:410:27:42

Which one of you wrote Pride And Prejudice?

0:27:420:27:44

That's my favourite.

0:27:440:27:45

That were Jane Austen, and it were rubbish!

0:27:450:27:48

Pride And Predictable, more like.

0:27:480:27:50

Never read it. Never will.

0:27:500:27:52

-Terence, you're fired.

-Every day.

0:27:540:27:55

Poor old Terence.

0:27:570:27:58

You know what? This story business can be hard work.

0:27:580:28:02

What with writers, characters and meanings and all that...

0:28:020:28:07

But it's finally done.

0:28:070:28:08

My masterpiece is complete.

0:28:080:28:11

Look!

0:28:130:28:14

"THE END."

0:28:140:28:16

What?

0:28:160:28:17

-Action!

-Nish nobblers...

0:28:200:28:21

LAUGHTER

0:28:210:28:23

-Do you have any biographies?

-No.

0:28:240:28:26

-Thrillers?

-No.

-Teen vampire fiction?

-No.

0:28:260:28:28

Aww...

0:28:280:28:30

LAUGHTER

0:28:300:28:31

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:28:310:28:33

# Hope you enjoyed

0:28:330:28:34

# Horrible Histories. #

0:28:340:28:38

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