Dribble Versus Trubble Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble! Meet Sally, our receptionist.

Always service with a smile!

And that's Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

HE CRASHES

We're just not sure what they are yet.

And here's Mrs Poshington and her cat, General Sirius Poshington.

-CAT MEOWS

-She's our regular pest...I mean guest.

-HE SIGHS

-She never leaves.

Which just leaves me, Jamie.

-I'm the bellboy.

-HE RINGS THE BELL

Can I take your bags?

# Hotel Trubble, forever

# It's the pits and we know it

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble, forever

# As we try to survive, each day brings disaster

# Hotel Trubble, forever

# We're a team staying calm, arm in arm, so the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Always got a plan

# Hotel Trubble, we're your biggest fan

# Trubble, Trubble, keep the hotel alive. #

Alligator wrestler.

ALLIGATOR CHOMPS AND CHEWS

Nah!

Oh, Mrs Poshington, let me take your bag.

Ah, Mrs Poshington, would you like a nice cup of tea?

A 12 course medieval banquet?

Formation aeroplane display and fireworks extravaganza?

No, Sally, I do not want an

aeroplane display OR a fireworks extravaganza, thank you very much.

I can make you a balloon John Barrowman.

I know how much you like him.

Oh, no thank you, Lenny.

I've plenty of balloon John Barrowmans, thank you very much.

-All I want...

-I could shave your corns.

-I could wax your back.

-I could read your mind.

You're thinking of a big pile of doughnuts.

Oh, with jam and cream and...

Oh, no, wait, that's what I'm thinking of.

No, thank you, I do not want any of these things.

I just want to be left alone.

It's not my fault I'm the only guest here at the moment!

Ah, Mrs Poshington, I was just coming to look for you.

Is there anything I can get for you?

A cup of tea? A newspaper?

A 100-piece philharmonic orchestra playing your personal soundtrack?!

-FANFARE PLAYS

-Ahhh!

-Oh...

-Sorry guys, she said, "No."

-CRASHING AND ANGRY SHOUTING

Ever since that hotel opened across town,

it's been like a ghost town around here.

Do you remember when I saw that ghost in room 12?

I keep telling you, that wasn't a ghost.

-It was the maid changing the duvet.

-Oh...

I wish you could save time in some kind of special time bank and

then you could withdraw it when you needed to and you could save

it all up for a rainy day.

Oh, on a rainy day you'd probably have lots of spare time, so maybe

you could use it for a sunny day and then use it all the time for when

-you've got lots of jobs to do and you need some more time.

-You know,

I'm so bored that was actually almost interesting, Lenny.

PHONE RINGS

I've got it!

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

You want to book a room? OK, well what's the name?

I-M-A Bimbo.

-I-M-A Bimbo?

-LAUGHTER

I'm a bimbo!? Hey!

It was a prank call.

That's the 27th one this morning.

-It's a bit fishy, don't you think?

-Sorry, that's me.

I ate some of General Poshington's cat food earlier.

No, no, no, it was lovely but doesn't half make you burp.

HE BURPS LOUDLY

CONTINUES BURPING

Ugh.

Sick.

So... How many of Hotel Trubble's

customers have we poached now, Susie?

Ah!

14 so far! And we've got that Dracula convention coming later.

I told them that Hotel Trubble had garlic mushrooms on the menu!

-THEY LAUGH

-Excellent!

This town ain't big enough for two hotels.

You'd be surprised, I thought me mouth wasn't big enough

for these two giant gobstoppers but it actually is.

-GOBSTOPPERS POP

-There we are.

HE MUMBLES WITH HIS MOUTH FULL

Yes. I couldn't agree more, Larry, but we've got work to do.

If only we could persuade that posh bird to leave,

then they'd definitely have to close.

-HE MUMBLES

-Precisely.

-Yeah.

Larry, get rid of some of that luggage.

Oh, and Susie, isn't it time for another one of those calls?

Well, it has been five minutes since the last one!

CRASHING

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

Yes, I'd like to book a room

in the name of Y-M-I Sodumb.

I don't know, why are you so dumb?! SHE SCREAMS

THEY LAUGH

Ah, that is top, top.

Well, that was our last booking calling to cancel.

They said... "I'll never stay at Hotel Trubble

"and neither will my mum, dad, nan or my brother or my boss or

"my neighbour or other neighbour, number 45 who's hedges

"are like Telly Tubbies or my mate, and his girlfriend, Selina,

"who I quite fancy. Or the man in the supermarket..."

If we don't get some guests soon, Hotel Trubble is in really

big trouble and by trouble I mean T-R-U-B-B-L-E, trubble.

No, no I don't, no I don't, I mean the other trouble which goes

T-R-O-U-B-L-E, trouble, the actually serious trouble.

Look, we need to think of something, but what?

-Got it.

-What?

-I know exactly what we need.

-Yes, come on.

We need...

DRUM ROLL ..an idea.

Yes, yes, that's right, Lenny, we do INDEED need an idea.

Have you got one?!

You know what? If you want something done around here, do it yourself.

Right, OK, look, the problem is nobody's coming to Hotel Trubble,

but what's the solution?

If people won't come to Hotel Trubble...

Take Hotel Trubble to the people.

Shh, Lenny, can you keep it down? I'm just trying to think, yeah?

If the people won't come to Hotel Trubble...

Take Hotel Trubble to the people.

If the people won't come to Hotel Trubble... I've got it.

ALL: Take Hotel Trubble to the people!

I said it first. I just want that noted, it was my idea.

Huh? OK?

Well, come on, let's give the people what they want!

OK, we're at the shopping centre.

-Sally, you've got the leaflets?

-Yes.

-Lenny, you've got the tea tray?

Great, OK, let's bring Hotel Trubble to the people.

Come stay at Hotel Trubble, the best hotel town.

-In the world.

-In the world.

-In the whole universe.

-That's a bit over the top.

Do you want to just take a seat on the comfy bed?

-What style hotel is it?

-It's a seven star.

-Read on there, one star there.

-No, I'm joking, it's three star.

-Put a little bathrobe on you.

-Oh, right. Thank you.

-And then you can have a sleep in the bed.

-If you'd like to fall asleep.

I'll tuck you in.

Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring.

Oh, what is it? Room service.

-Spa there?

-There's a Spar down the road, it sells milk and bread.

-No, she means like a proper spa.

-Not the shop!

-Knock, knock.

-Oh, knock knock. I'll get it for you, you lay there.

Room service. Hello.

I've got one cheeseburger with large fries coming up.

-I ordered a fillet steak.

-He ordered a fillet steak.

Fillet steak? Oh, sorry, I must have got the...one second.

-Beef stew, is that not?

-No, it's not.

-Yes.

-This is a new craze in a teacup.

You guys are comedians.

# Welcome to the Karma Hotel

# Looks like Heaven but could be Hell

# Where pleasant screams transform to yells

# And every suite casts its own spell

# Welcome to the Karma Hotel... # MUSIC SCRATCHES

-Stay at Hotel...

-What are you doing?

-No, stop it.

-Stay at Hot...

-Get off the bed.

-No.

-I just...

-No.

So, we managed to drum up a grand total of how many new customers?

-Hold on.

-SHE TYPES ON THE COMPUTER

-None.

-Check the phone is working, Sally.

-Again?

-Yes, again.

It's working.

-Ta-la!

-No, Lenny, we can't put that up, it makes us look desperate.

Nobody wants to stay at a hotel that nobody ELSE wants to stay at.

We need to make them think that everyone wants to stay here, even

-if no-one wants to stay here.

-Sorry, could you say that again?

This is terrible. Mr Trubble is not going to be happy.

We need to do something. I know what we can do.

-Come on, we can hold hands and sing a little song about a unicorn.

-No.

# Unicorn, with your lovely horn... #

No, Lenny, something about bringing people back to the hotel.

We can have a food fight with custard pies!

Oh, no.

-SHE GASPS

-I've got it! I know.

MUSIC: "Get Ready For This" by 2 Unlimited

Are you all ready for this?

CHEERING AND MUSIC

Are you OK, Sally? Something you ate?

-Shall I call an ambulance?

-You probably should.

-SIREN BLARES

-No, I'm cheerleading.

We can do cheers for Hotel Trubble.

Well, what's the point? There's nobody here to see them.

No, out on the streets.

It'll be a great way to get everyone

all excited about coming to Hotel Trubble.

Can we do it? I always wanted to be a cheerleader.

I've always wanted to wear those pom-pom things on my hands.

They remind me of candy floss.

Imagine having candy floss for hands.

Ah, amazing.

I don't know, Sally. Looks quite difficult to me, to be honest.

No, it's as easy as ABC, honestly.

-I was Madonna's private cheerleader.

-MADONNA: And you can dance!

Ready? OK!

She's the queen of pop and her records are gold!

She's really, really fit, even though she's old!

Go Madonna! Yay!

Yeah!

I guess we are a bit desperate and nobody else has come up with

any ideas so, unless you've come up with something, Lenny?

-# That's the wonder... #

-MUSIC SCRATCHES

OK, let's do it.

# The wonder of you... #

ALL: The power, the might,

you won't believe the hype at Hotel Trubble, oh, yeah!

-Whoo!

-Whoo-hoo!

ALL: The power, the might, you can't believe the hype

at Hotel Trubble, oh, yeah!

# Oh Mickey, you're so fine

# You're so fine you blow my mind Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey!

# Oh Mickey, you're so fine

# You're so fine you blow my mind Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey!

# Oh Mickey, you're so fine

# You're so fine you blow my mind Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey!

Whoo!

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Look at us, we're so supple.

-That's cos we're from Hotel Trubble. Hotel Trubble.

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

# Let's do the cheerleader flip Let's do the cheerleader flip

# Let rip get out of the zip

# Hip, hip, sharp as a whip

# The cheerleader flip... #

Hotel Trubble!

Hotel Trubble, Hotel Trubble, Hotel Trubble!

-Let's all go to Hotel Trubble.

-Whoo-hoo!

-Whoo-hoo!

Sally?

Jamie? Where is everybody?

Honestly, one minute they're all over me and the next I'm lonelier

than the lonely goatherd.

# Yodel, yodel-layee, yodel-lay he he!

# Yodel, yodel-layee, yodel-lay he he! #

CAT MEOWS

PHONE AND ALARM RINGS

CAT MEOWS

Hello, Hotel Trubble, how may I be of service?

Oh, hello, Mr Trubble, Mrs Poshington here.

Yes, it has been a while.

Tell me, are you still wearing your spandex jumpsuits?

No? Just a passing phase, you say.

Ah, shame.

What's that?

Hotel Dribble?

On the other side of town?

Stealing our customers?!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

And Hotel Trubble might have to close down?!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Phew, well, we can't have that now.

-DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS AND SCRATCHES

-NARRATOR: Oh, get on with it!

What can I do? Yes...

Ah...

Mm-hm...

Oh, OK, if that's what you want.

We'll go. Roger, over and out.

Now, you stay there, Sirius. CAT MEOWS

I have just got to write...

I'll be back soon.

Hotel Dribble, Hotel Dribble, it's all anyone can talk about.

-I'm really going to give them what for.

-What for?

Because they deserve it.

Hello, Hotel Dribble? Yes, this is Jamie over at Hotel Trubble.

'Loser, loser.'

No, not a LOSER actually. What?

Huh, yes, now I know you're lying, you losers, because she

would never do that. No way.

They're saying that Mrs Poshington's gone over to

stay at Hotel Dribble and now that we've got no guests, we're going to

have to close the hotel. As if!

Actually, Jamie... I think she has gone.

Look, listen to this note.

"Dear Hotel Trubble staff, I've gone to Hotel Dribble. Bye bye.

"Byeee. Bye bye. Bye-zee-bye-bye. Bye bye bye.

"Mrs Poshington".

Well, that's it, then.

You can't run a hotel without any guests.

We're going to have to close.

Hotel Trubble is no more.

-I've failed. Hotel Dribble have won.

-SAD MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND MUSIC PLAYS

Hotel Trubble?

Hotel completely rubbish with no guests and therefore

not even a hotel any more, more like.

Ah, I don't know Johnny, that's a bit long for an hotel name.

People will struggle to remember it.

Now that Hotel Trubble's going to close down,

the staff will be out of work and...

And if we offered them jobs, then it would really be over for that stupid

bell boy and his stupid hotel.

Oh, I am so clever.

-I am such an evil genius.

-HE LAUGHS

-Do you want a gobstopper?

-No.

A hotel without guests is like a...

a broken pencil, pointless.

Hold on, that's a bit weird.

Why would Mrs Poshington leave General Poshington here if she'd

gone to live at Hotel Dribble? Jamie, do you think that maybe...

Shhh! I'm trying to think.

No, but Sally's right, it's like Mrs Poshington...

Will you two just please just leave me alone.

All I can hear is "Blah, blah, blah, Mrs Poshington, blah, blah, blah".

PHONE RINGS

I'm good at plans, me.

They call me the plan man, and then they'll see, yeah, they'll see.

They'll see who's the best, which is me.

Yes, and then Hotel Trubble will win. Ha!

Yes.

Yes, ok.

Jamie, that was Hotel Dribble.

They've offered me and Lenny jobs.

Shhh! I'm trying to think!

-Is that all you're going to say?

-Jamie, say something please.

-What?!

Why are you bothering me, Lenny?

Haven't you got some important juggling to be doing?

Do you know what?! That's it, we're out of here!

Hello, Jamie, did you hear what I said?

Me and Lenny are going to take jobs at Hotel Dribble.

Yes, well you know what?

I don't care. You two will just get in the way anyway.

Anyway, I've got a plan to plan.

CAT MEOWS

Come on, Lenny, let's leave Jamie to stew in his own juices.

Yeah, stay here and cook in your own

gravy, but don't let it go cold because then it gets lumpy and...

it's not very nice when it's lumpy.

Come on, Lenny.

Yeah, well you know what? See if I care, because I don't.

Because I don't care, couldn't care less.

You see this face? This is my I don't care face and it doesn't care.

Oh. Come on, General Poshington, help me think, yes?

You should know a thing or two about plans, you being

an army man and all, you know.

If they want a war, they can have a war.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

The most important thing is the element of surprise.

I'm going to practise my camouflage techniques.

# Woah, oh, oh, oh, camouflage

# Things are never quite the way they seem. #

Shhh. Keep it down, I'm trying to be a bush.

# I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

# I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

# I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

# I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

# I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

# I got soul

# But I'm not a soldier

# I got soul

# But I'm not a soldier. # MUSIC SCRATCHES

# War! Oh, yeah. What is it good for?

# Absolutely nothing, uh-huh. War!

# Oh, yeah. What is it good for?

# Absolutely nothing

# Say it again, y'all

# War! Oh, yeah. What is it good for?

# Absolutely nothing, listen to me. # MUSIC SCRATCHES

Go away. Go away.

That's a very interesting hairdo.

Oh, oh, Antonio of Hair Today?

And gone tomorrow.

No. It's Francois of Hairway to Heaven, actually.

Oh. Hmm.

It's weird but there's something so familiar about this place.

I know. I could easily just strip off to my pants and run around the

corridors like I always used to.

SCREAMING Never do that at Hotel Trubble.

Never at all did I do that.

MUSIC: Mission Impossible Theme

-HOOTER SOUNDS

-Oh, rubbish.

Jamie, is that you?

So, have you come to see what success looks like?

Because this is it. This is success.

-Look at it with your eyes.

-The eyes.

OK, you win.

I can't fight any more.

I am a lo-o-o-o-ser.

-See you later.

-Bye.

-Bye bye now.

-Bye-zee-bye.

-Bye-zee-bye, bye bye, bye.

-Bye now.

But I just have one thing to say.

I may have no guests, I may have no staff,

I may have a hotel that's about to close,

but I have my dignity, my integrity

and a bit of an itch on my bottom.

Hang on.

Ahhh.

That's better. That was...

Where was I? Oh, yes, yes.

Dignity, integrity, bottom and...

Good memories. Memories of a hotel that was a joy to work at,

memories of fun and friends and corridors filled with laughter.

-And bad 1970s carpets.

-Yes, and wallpaper that made your eyes hurt

-if you stared at it for too long.

-Yeah, yeah, and lots of memories of

letting my staff get away with murder and do next to nothing,

because I love my staff, my beautiful, beautiful staff,

and I would never force them to do any work that they didn't want to.

And I would never stop them from

ordering things from stuffthatcelebswear.com

when they should be answering the phone,

or juggling during shifts.

Really, really good juggling, by the way, so you can have my guests

and you can have my staff if they really, really want to work

at a place that doesn't let them get away with doing next to nothing,

but you can't have my memories and you can't have my integrity,

my dignity

or my itchy bottom.

And those things are so much

more important in life than running a successful hotel.

Ha! You can't win them back with some dumb speech, you loser.

He can win me back, actually, and Lenny.

He can do what now?

Yes, well you may have won this bunch of lowlifes back,

but you've still got no guests and how can you

run a hotel without any guests, eh? Answer me that.

Well, he'll have at least one guest.

Do you really think I'd stop here, with that dreadful woman?

Oh, and by the way I was joking about your hair. I think it's awful.

Don't you realise that your fox is stuffed? Totally bonkers.

Don't listen to her, For Real.

His name's For Real?

Well, of course his name's For Real.

Why wouldn't it be real?

It's good to have you back and all, guys, but they were right.

I don't know how we're going to cope with just one guest.

-How are we going to manage?

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

Six double rooms for two weeks?!

-Yes, I'll just check if it's available.

-What's going on?

Well, Jamie, at Mr Trubble's request, I have been on a covert mission

working undercover to discredit a certain Hotel Dribble

from the inside.

I rather enjoyed it, actually.

It reminded me of my days working for the French Resistance.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Hotel Trubble.

The executive suite?

For an entire month?!

For the Society of Extremely Wealthy People Who Like To Tip A Lot?

Well, I'll just see if it's available.

So all these bookings were down to you

and you were planning to come back to Hotel Trubble the whole time?

You really didn't think I'd leave General Poshington, did you?

Well, I did think it was a bit strange.

Ah, Mummy would never leave you, General Poshy-washy, would she?

No, she wouldn't. Now Lenny, could you ask chef

if he could make Sirius a yummy sardine and anchovy milkshake?

Sirius?

Well, of course I'm serious.

It's his favourite. CAT MEOWS

See? That's what we were trying to tell you

before you went all loony on the brain.

OK, well perhaps we could forget about that little chapter

of our lives and get on with some work? Yes? Hi.

OK. Only if you say

"Sally and Lenny are totally awesome

"and Hotel Trubble would be nothing without them.

"I, on the other hand, am a flaming idiot".

I'm not saying that in front of all these people.

OK, hello, welcome to Hotel Trubble, how can I help you?

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, one s...

-Sally, can you help me please?

-Say it.

-OK, OK.

Sally and Lenny are totally awesome and Hotel Trubble would be nothing

without them and I on the other hand am a...

-Flaming idiot.

-Oh, I can't hear you.

OK, I am a flaming idiot!

THEY LAUGH

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

# Hotel Trubble, forever

# It's the pits and we know it

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble, forever

# We're a team staying calm

# Arm in arm, so the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble Keep the hotel alive. #