Spies Like Us Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

Always service with a smile.

And that's Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

We're just not sure what they are yet.

And here's Mrs Poshington and her cat, General Sirius Poshington.

She's our regular pest... I mean, "guest".

She never leaves.

Which just leaves me, Jamie.

I'm the bellboy.

Can I take your bags?

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know it

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# As we try to survive, each day brings disaster

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on

# so the hotel survives Trubble Trubble

# Always got a plan

# Hotel Trubble, we're your biggest fan

# Trubble Trubble Keep the hotel alive. #

Hey, Sally. What are you up to?

I'm palm reading.

You're reading your own palm? Does that work?

-Well, I knew you were going to say that.

-Wow, you're good.

I know. OK, let's have a look at your future.

Hm. It says here you're gonna meet a tall, dark and mysterious stranger.

HE CRIES OUT

I'm OK, I'm fine.

I meant to do that. Just checking the floors were properly vacuumed.

Spotless, so, er, that's good.

So, can I help you with something?

-Wow! That's a cool trick!

-PHONE BEEPS

Now turn Jamie into a frog.

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

Oh, Hi Mr Trubble. A motorcycle courier?

Yeah, he's here now.

He has with him the Trubble Diamond?

Wow!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! I want two!

Have I mentioned you're a very attractive man, or...woman?

Yep. Put the Diamond in the Trubble safe overnight.

Yeah, yeah, I remember the combination.

Leave it with me Mr Trubble, sir. I guarantee it'll be fine.

I stake my reputation on it.

And my job, too?!

OK, if you say so.

Right, Mr Trubble. Bye, Mr Trubble.

-Right, let's get that safe open.

-Hold on, you know

the combination for the safe?

-Yeah. I'm the only one Mr Trubble has given it to.

-Oh, really?

Let me just take this out.

Why would you keep a doughnut in the safe?

It's my lunch. Keeping it in the safe is the only way to keep it away from...

Lenny!

-Did someone say something about a doughnut?

-No, I don't think so.

There's a definite smell of doughnuts in the air.

It's Sally's perfume.

-Hey!

-Urgh, horrible.

Anyway, Lenny, I'm sure you've got lots to do, so...

Hm...

Right, let's get that case in the safe, then.

Whoa!

Ah! I was really looking forward to eating that!

He's a barrel of laughs(!) I'm not going to miss him.

Jamie-Wamie, would you be a sweetheart and open

the safe so that I can have a look at the Diamond, just for a second?

No. Sorry, no. Absolutely no can do.

Oh, go on, just for little old me.

I promise I'll only touch it just for a...

Look, Mrs Poshington's here!

How does he do that?

Jamie? Jamie?

JAMIE!

OK. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Hi, Mrs Poshington. What can I do for you?

-I've got a complaint!

-Oh, really? Now that is a surprise(!)

As you know, every morning for our daily exercise, General Poshington

-and I walk up and down the stairs in this hotel three times.

-Yes.

Normally, it takes 11 minutes exactly.

This morning, however, it took 11 and a half minutes.

-Right.

-And there can only one possible explanation.

Obviously you people are putting more stairs in while I'm asleep.

Or you're getting slower?

I'm as fit today as I was 30 years ago when I ran the London marathon.

Twice, on the same day.

I forgot my purse and had to go back for it.

Well, we definitely haven't put any more steps in.

I know for a fact there used to be 427 steps in this hotel.

Well, I shall count them all again

and just see how many more there are.

Great idea, you do that.

I shall, young man.

I'm onto you lot.

SMASHING

Oh, Lenny!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Good afternoon, Mr Agent. I hear you have a problem with your...!

Shh!

The walls have ears.

Really? I only came up cos I was told the tap had a leak.

Can I trust you?

I dunno.

Put it this way, do you trust you?

I think so, yeah.

Well, that's good enough for me. My name is not really Mr Agent.

It is Agent Agent of MI5 and three quarters.

-Wow! MI5 and three quarters?

-Yes.

We're way more secret than MI5, and only slightly less secret than MI6.

Oh, right, that makes sense.

Well, we've information that the mysterious thief

-known as the Slippery Fox is about to steal the Trubble Diamond.

-Oh, no!

Don't worry, MI5 and three quarters are on the case and, er,

well, we're rather good at our jobs.

How good?

So good, right now there are 12 agents in this room at this very moment.

Wow!

So how do we stop whoever it is stealing the Diamond?

We're on the case. But what can you tell me about the hotel's receptionist Sally?

She has a fabulous smile, twinkly eyes and...

She answers the phones and stuff.

-Yeah, right, well. I think she might also be...the Slippery Fox.

-Sally?!

No, no, never. Sally would never steal anything, that's crazy talk.

Is it really? Look.

I installed a secret CCTV camera downstairs.

OK. I'll admit, that looks bad, but she's not a thief at all.

Yeah? Maybe she is involved,

maybe she isn't.

We'll find out.

Now, I need to stay here and watch the safe, so when she goes on lunch,

I need you to follow her and see if she meets anyone or

does anything suspicious.

OK, OK, but only to clear her name. Sally's many things, but a criminal isn't one of them.

That's it, Lenny. Keep going. I want to be able to

see my face on that floor.

-But this is carpet!

-Good, good.

-Where's Sally gone?

-She's gone to lunch.

Right, Lenny, I'm off to lunch, too. So I need you to watch reception

-while I'm gone.

-I was just cleaning the...

Never mind that, this is more important.

The Trubble Diamond is in the safe.

Whatever happens, watch the safe.

-Right.

-OK? Brilliant.

Good man Lenny, I know I can count on you.

Argh!

# L's a man who leads a life of danger

# To everyone he meets he stares a stranger

# Whatever move he makes

# Another chance he takes

# Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

# Secret agent man

# Secret agent man

# They've given you a number and taken away your name

# Beware of pretty faces that you find

# A pretty face can hide an evil mind

# Be careful what you say or you will give yourself away

# Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

# Secret agent man Secret agent man

# They've given you a number

# And taken away your name... #

'Lenny, get out of my kitchen!'

Agent, Agent, it's Agent Jamie.

I can't get into the hotel without being seen.

Meet round the side of the hotel.

Over.

# You know I live a life of danger for the FBI

# But every single night before I go to bed

# I get down on my knees and thank God I'm a secret agent man... #

-Oh!

-How was your mission?

It was a complete waste of time. All Sally did was look in shop windows and this disguise was rubbish.

-Wait, she saw you?

-No, but everybody else did.

You'd be amazed the amount of stuff people throw away these days.

I've good news. I've got a new source with some vital information

on who the slippery fox is and I want you to go and meet them.

Oh, no. I already did one bit of spying today and now I've got chewing gum in my hair.

I thought it would be too big a job for you.

I didn't say that.

-And to think I was going to make you Agent Jamie.

-What? Really?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter any more.

I mean, sure, you'd have been a secret agent for MI5 and three quarters,

leading the life of an international spy.

The glamour, the danger...the girls!

No, wait. I can do it, I can do it.

-Are you sure?

-Yep, absolutely.

In that case welcome to MI5 and three quarters.

Cool!

Shh! You're a spy now. We don't exist, we're like ghosts.

Nobody can know who you are, you can't tell anyone your true identity

and nothing about your mission.

You told me about your identity.

That's different.

And all about your mission.

-Look, do you want to be a spy or not?

-Yeah, absolutely.

Good. In here, your disguise and your code book.

I need you to go out and make contact with someone.

They will be in disguise.

They will identify themselves to you with a code from the book.

So they might say something like, "A mongoose has stolen my deckchair"

and you have to reply with, "Never give jam to an irate donkey".

Haven't you ever heard of e-mail?

Go forth, Agent Jamie, and do your duty.

-Ah-hm.

-Thanks.

I know we've just met,

but do you fancy a lambarda?

You're late. I won't tolerate this kind of behaviour in the future.

I feel so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.

Lucky, lucky.

Are you the contact? Are you the contact?

Are you the contact?

-No.

-Are you sure?

Yeah, definitely sure.

I buried the items at the back of the allotment under the apple tree.

The bananas are ripe and ready to eat.

They're waiting for you at the Zoo.

What?!

I like to boogie woogie, I like to boogie woogie,

I like to boogie woogie,

I like to boogie.

Is this the right uniform, or should I be dressed like you?

The dance is going to start in two minutes. Have you got your costume?

-Are you the contact for the Hotel Trubble?

-# Secret agent man. #

I'm off, but I'll see you at the next meeting place, OK?

SNORING

SNORING CONTINUES

PHONE RINGS

Hm? What?

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Oh? Phone.

SHE SNORES

Sally.

Sally!

-Oh. Hi, Jamie. I didn't see you there.

-You were trying to look in the safe,

-weren't you?

-No, I wasn't.

OH, REALLY?!

Ow! OK!

I wasn't going to take the Diamond, I just wanted

-to touch it, just for a second.

-BELL RINGS

I've figured it out.

Figured out what, Mrs P?

-The steps.

-Eh?

-It's a long story. Mrs P reckons her morning walk is

taking longer because we've put more steps into the hotel.

-Maybe you're just getting...

-Nonsense! I'm as fit now

-as I ever was.

-Don't get her started on marathons.

Now, as we all know, there used to be 427 steps in this hotel.

Well, I've counted them again and there are now...427 steps.

See. We haven't been...

Ah, yes, but you see, most of them now go up,

whereas in the good old days, they went down. That's why it's taking me longer.

Oh, yes, you can't pull the wool over my eyes! Ooh, dearie me!

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

-It's Mr Agent from Room 10.

-Oh, right.

OK. He wants to see the both of us right away.

Why does he need to see both of us? What's wrong that we both have to come up?

I'm sure he has his reasons.

-Whoa!

-Whoa!

Hey! What's with the dragging?

Shh! The walls have ears.

-Really? That's an unusual problem.

-No, no, no, no. I meant... Oh, doesn't matter.

-How was your mission?

-Terrible.

The only response I got was a dog biting me on the ankle.

Which one, which ankle?

Er, the left one.

A-ha! That's the signal I was expecting, Agent Jamie.

Confirmation of my theory.

Hold on. Why are you calling Jamie "Agent Jamie"?

I'm a secret agent now.

I work for MI5 and three quarters.

-Really? Wow!

-Just doing what I can for Queen and country. No big deal.

So, how did you become a secret agent?

I made him one.

So you're a more important agent than Jamie is?

-Yes.

-Well, yeah sure but I'm still pretty important.

-I've been on two secret missions...

-Sally, the reason we brought you up here - we need your help.

Do I get to be a Bond girl and your glamorous date

at some swanky reception full of famous people because I can do that!

Maybe later. Right now, we need your help as there is a devious criminal

called the Slippery Fox who's trying to steal the Trubble Diamond.

Do you need me to take them on a trip to the Caribbean on

a yacht or something like that?

Not right now.

I do now know who the Slippery Fox is.

It's him!

BOTH: Lenny?!

-Lenny's a criminal mastermind?!

-It does seem a bit unlikely.

-A bit?!

-He ate the plastic flowers on my desk earlier.

-Sorry, Agent Agent, but there's no way it's Lenny.

You see, this is how brilliant a criminal he is.

-Both of you cannot believe it's him, he's that good!

-I dunno.

Look, think about it. He's the last person you'd expect.

You've got to ask yourself this, can anybody really be that stupid?

He has a point there.

Lenny's an evil genius!

It's starting to make sense now.

He's very good. Too good, in fact. He'll have broken into the safe earlier.

He's already got the Diamond.

No!

-Let's check the safe.

-Ooh, home time.

-Right. there's no time.

-Quick, get him! He's got my... I mean, Mr Trubble's Diamond!

Right. You two follow him. Try and capture him but be very, very careful.

-He's a lethal killing machine.

-Oh, well maybe you should...

Stay here and phone the police? Brilliant idea. Jamie. You're a natural at this spying game.

-Well, you know, I don't like to...

-Quick! No time to lose!

-Right!

-Have any of you seen Lenny?

-Has anyone see Lenny?

-Excuse me, have you seen a man in, erm, a blue outfit?

-It's really important.

There's a master criminal on the loose.

He's got red hair.

His name's Lenny. Master criminal, people.

Excuse me, have you seen Lenny anywhere?

-There he is!

-Lenny!

LENNY! Would you be able to help us?

Guys, can you help us?

We need to catch that guy. The one in the all blue outfit, right. All we need you to do

is put this net over his head and then we'll take over after that.

-Please?

-Ok, I'll do it, I'll do it!

And he is really dangerous, so we've got to, like, tip-toe and stuff.

-OK. One of you take the net.

-OK. But we'll be right here behind you.

-Right here, OK?

-Be careful.

-Yep.

-Make sure he doesn't see you.

Get him, get him while he's sat down!

-YES!

-Thank you!

-Wooo!

-LENNY!

GOT YOU!

So, Sally and Jamie are out following the super criminal Lenny, leaving me

alone with the safe at last. Ha, ha!

Finally! I thought those fools would never leave!

Oh!

Ha, ha, ha!

Gotcha!

Victory is mine!

Oh, really?

You against me is hardly a fair fight now, is it?

Exactly so.

Yes. There ought to be at least three of you to make it interesting.

Oh well, never mind.

Agent, Agent, we got him!

Great game. Whose turn is it to get caught next?

His! This man is a criminal mastermind known as the Slippery Fox.

He is?! I mean, of course he is.

-I knew all along. I was just playing along to trap him.

-Yeah, right.

Yeah, and I'd have got away with it, too, if it wasn't for this pesky pensioner!

Ha! I'm as fit today as I ever was. Catch!

Hello. Hotel Trubble.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know it

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on so the hotel survives

# Trubble Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

E-mail [email protected]