X Marks the Spot Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist -

-always service with a smile!

-PHONE RINGS

And that's Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

We're just not sure what they are yet.

And here's Mrs Poshington and her cat, General Sirius Poshington.

She's our regular pest...

I mean guest.

She never leaves.

Which just leaves me, Jamie.

I'm the bellboy.

Can I take your bags?

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# As we try to survive

# Each day brings disaster

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble Trubble

# Always got a plan

# Hotel Trubble

# We're your biggest fan

# Trubble Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

Sally, we are not amused.

There is no entertainment whatsoever in this hotel.

Unless of course you count the maid service!

Boom-boom!

You see I am so bored, I making up my own entertainment with my own jokes!

I'm so bored of being complained to by boring bored people.

I just want some adventure in my life!

Maybe you should embark on the adventure that I like

to call "work".

Then you might not be so bored.

Oh, I wish someone handsome would come and take me away from all this!

Stay down! ..Hi!

Dr Windy Banana Bones, handsome adventurer,

heart-throb, treasure hunter

and all-round hunky archaeologist to give me my full, official title.

But you...can call me Windy.

# I need a hero

# I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night

# He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast

# And he's gotta be fresh from the fight. #

Uh...

Yeah. I'd like your quietest room, please.

I really need to relax.

It can be quite exhausting constantly hunting for relics

and being so handsome.

I'll deal with this, shall I? Can I take your hat for you, Dr Bones?

Oh, no! I'm never without my hat.

You never know when you might need it. For example...

I just saved your life, young lady.

Your brooch was actually a lesser- spotted maths homework beetle.

They usually only make surprise attacks on Sunday nights.

Send that off to the Institute of Deadly

and Rare Scary Things, will you?

See ya.

MUSIC: "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK" THEME

He rescued me!

Cheesy!

HE WHISTLES

There we go.

Oh, no. Not again.

What's going on? Help! We're being invaded.

General Poshington, attack!

Forgive me, pretty lady,

for this unexpected but quite handsome intrusion.

Windy?

Is that you? Well, I never!

Mrs Poshington?

Fancy seeing you here.

I haven't seen you since, ooh, when was it?

Oh, yes, that time I rescued you from the maharajah.

The night before my wedding.

That's right. I got there just in time - any later and...

I'd have been married to the richest, most powerful

and loveliest maharajah in history.

-No need to thank me.

-Thank you?!

I said there's no need.

-Who does he think he is?

-Only the most famous adventurer of all time!

He found the lost earrings of Pat Butcher, don't you know.

Maybe he'll be the one to take me away from all this.

Hello, I am Herr Style.

No, I mean, I am Mr John, no, Jim, no, Brian, Smith, no, Jones.

Und I'd like to check in, perhaps a room next to that strange man

who was here earlier BUT whom I have never seen before.

Welcome to Hotel Trubble, Mr John Jim No Brian Smith No Jones.

Hello! Don't you know who I am?

I am Herr Style, respect me!

I am Herr Style, extremely good-looking treasure hunter

and the best relic-finding man type person in the whole world!

What? Shut up! Oh, no, I mean I am...

Mr John No Jim No Brian Smith No Jones.

Wow! Two relic hunters in one day. What a coincidence!

Not really much of a coincidence, since I followed Dr Bones here!

What? No!

Shut up! No, no,

I didn't follow him. Who said that?

It's a lie! No.

I don't even know him.

Not really.

And he hasn't been the bane of my life,

always beating me to the relics.

Everywhere he goes he finds relics.

And they always have extraordinary powers - you know, like

everlasting life or invisibility or the knowledge of everything

that ever was.

Or so I've heard.

But not this time.

This time I will find the relic,

the relic which is undoubtedly somewhere in this hotel.

What? Shut up!

What relic? What are you talking about?

There is no relic in the hotel.

You are mad, all of you!

Ooh, look!

What's that over there?

Did you hear that? He said there's a relic here at the hotel!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

At least, that's what I think he said.

Imagine that! If I found a relic here at Hotel Trubble.

Sally? Are you listening?

MUSIC: WEDDING MARCH

-(I do.)

-Are you listening?

Are you LISTENING?!

Sorry, did you say something?

Relics, relics, relics...

Where are we likely to find a relic?

I've found it! I've been looking for this copy of Gossip for a long time.

Oh! Unhand me, young man. ..Sally!

-Jamie!

-Jamie, I've got a relic!

Look how old this one is!

No! No!

So, very lovely thing, yes?

Beautiful swan, you like swans?

I love the swan, swimming so graceful.

Ah!

Just think, I could be holding

the key to everlasting life right here in my hands.

It's just a case of working out how to unlock its secret power.

RINGING

Why don't we ask Dr Bones?

He knows everything there is to know about relics.

No! Come on, we're going to work out what these relics are ourselves.

Right, guys, we're here at the... antique fair,

so we need to see if any of these relics are ancient and mystical.

And if they're worth any money.

-Yeah, money as well. All right, let's go.

-Lets go!

Do you know about ancient relics?

Do you know anything about ancient relics?

-It's really old and dusty, and we think maybe...

-It's worth millions.

# Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah... #

-It's a slipper!

-It's an ANCIENT slipper.

-It's an ancient slipper.

How old do you think it is?

-How old?

-About 10,000 years, right?

-I would imagine it's brand new.

I tell you what, I'M older than that.

Ooh...!

-Take a smell!

-Just take a smell.

-Big long sniff.

-Careful - it's got that relic smell about it.

-Yeah.

Smell the oldness.

No, I'd rather not!

How much money do you think we'd get for it in an antiques shop?

Do you think that would be worth a lot?

-Two pence?!

-No, it's more than that, it's an antique!

It's not scary - it's just an ancient relic.

OK, well, thank you anyway for your time.

Bye, thank you!

There must be a relic hidden somewhere in this ridiculous hotel.

If I could only find a secret passage of some kind!

I've been meaning to ask.

Did you ever get that, er, problem, sorted out?

Windy by name...

Yes, that's all fine now,

as long as I stay away from the broccoli.

Bah! He might have got the girl, as usual - well, I say "girl"

in the loosest possible term!

That is funny because she's old.

-But he will not find the relic!

-SHUDDER

What was that?

Have you been eating broccoli? PFFT!

No, but it sounds like some kind of secret door mechanism.

CLANKING

-Good Lord Lloyd-Webber!

-Oh, no, not again!

I saw that! It was a secret passage.

That was me. I opened it!

Come on, secret passage opening device. Show me where you are.

I'll be your best friend.

Come on, secret passage opening device. Ha, I've found it.

CLANKING

-BASH!

-Whoa!

I find it hard to believe that not one of these things

-is an ancient and mystical relic.

-Well, I must admit,

I wasn't too sure about the cute kitten jigsaw.

It's so frustrating knowing there's an ancient relic somewhere

in the hotel and not being able to find it.

Ooh, Jamie, I've found this.

Shall I put it in the lost property box?

Give it to me.

Sally, I've found the relic!

I told you I would, didn't I?

It looks like some kind of treasure chest. Quick, Lenny, open it.

Why don't you find the relic, Dr Bones?

It's locked.

Well, it would be, wouldn't it? So now we just need the key.

But there doesn't seem to be a keyhole anywhere. Strange.

# Dr Bones, yeah

# Dr Bones

# Why don't you find the relic Dr Bones? #

Sally, shush, OK? I'm trying to think.

And anyway, that's off key.

Wait a minute.

Key! I'm a genius!

Maybe the key is a musical key. That's how we can open the box.

Sing, Sally, sing some notes.

I can't just sing on demand - I need to rehearse.

-You can, you've got a beautiful voice.

-Really?

No, not really. I was flattering you to get you to sing. Now sing!

Oh, OK.

SHE SINGS A SCALE

# La la la la la la la la la. #

One more time.

# La la la la la la la la la. #

-No, nothing. Now what?

-Let me try.

No, no, Lenny! Please don't!

# Laaaaaaa... #

SCREAMING

CRYING

# ..ah... #

Well, that's obviously not the right note, either.

We need to find someone who can get it.

Come on. I've got an idea.

Can you help us for a second? We're trying to open this box -

we think it's got some mystical powers in it or some treasure.

We need to open this box.

And the only way it will open is if someone sings something

musical and we think that will be the key to getting it open.

-Yeah.

-What?

-Sing to the box. Ready? Count with me.

1, 2, 3.

# Ah...! #

# Yo de lay, yo de lay, yo de lay ooh, ooh! #

# Open the box. #

# Ah... #

-But can you do it for longer?

-Longer?

-It has to unlock.

-Yeah, it's got to be longer.

-1, 2, 3!

# Ah...eee...! #

-# Ah...! #

-Good vibration there, yeah.

# Eee...ah...! #

-# I want to open the box. #

-Yeah, yeah!

-# Ooh... #

-Oh, that was... Oh, he's still going!

-Lovely.

# Ah...! #

This is it, it's gonna happen!

-Yay! Whoo!

-It didn't work!

-Open the box!

-Did it work?

It's got to have worked!

-It won't open!

-What?! That's a shame.

-I know!

This box is never going to open!

I'm telling you.

Dr Bones will be able to open it.

I don't know why we didn't just come up here earlier.

He knows everything.

Everything about being cheesy.

Dr Bones?

Dr Bones, are you here?

Dr Bones, I love you.

-What?

-I said, "Dr Bones,

"olive, ooh." Because "Ooh, olive, ooh" would look good

on the walls.

Dr Bones?

You can just feel the adventure!

Oh! I thought that was the air con!

CREAKING

BLEEPING

MECHANICAL NOISES

See, Sally, I am just as good as your precious

and oh, so good-looking Dr Bones.

Probably a bit better, actually.

Yeah. Take anything you like from the box.

Go on, take what you want. Take something special.

It's funny how being a treasure hunter makes you seem so much more,

I don't know, handsomer.

So, I can have anything?

Anything you want, Sally - it's yours.

And you, Lenny, pick what you want.

-I'll have the cheese and pickle sandwich then.

-Really?!

-Does that mean I can have this doughnut?

-What?!

It looks like someone's lunch box.

Not treasure?

I don't know. A doughnut like this is a very rare sight.

Wow, what's this?

This looks ancient and important.

-Like Trevor McDonald?

-Well, having been an adventurer for a while...

What, since this morning?

I'd say that this is a treasure map.

Wow! Only someone

as handsome and as adventurous-y as Dr Bones would have a treasure map.

Yeah, well, it's my treasure map now.

And it looks like X marks the spot.

But, Jamie, isn't that stealing?

No, not really. It's just, er, lost property that no-one's claimed.

-But you haven't given anyone a chance to claim it.

-OK.

HE WHISTLES

There, see, no-one's claimed it. It's mine. And anyway, as the saying

goes, all's fair in love and...treasure hunting.

-Who said that?

-I did, just then.

Didn't you hear me? Come on, let's go!

OK, so we've got Windy's map.

Lenny, you take the map and go and find the X.

And Sally and I will use this metal detector

and shovel to dig for treasure.

# I'm just looking

# I'm not buying

# I'm just looking... #

BEEP

We're looking for treasure, and that just beeped!

-Are you any good at map reading?

-No!

We've found this map, off the famous archaeologist Windy Banana Bones,

and he's give us this treasure map, and we need to get to the X.

OK? Erm, it's either this way, that way,

that way, this way or that way.

We're looking for treasure - X marks the spot.

BEEP

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-No, don't move!

It's in your shoes - can you take off your shoes, please?

-Excuse me, is there any treasure in there or...?

-Sorry?

Is there any treasure in there? I'm looking for the X.

I ain't got a clue.

They'll be...lots of letters, but I need the letter X.

We need you to take your shoes off -

-there might be treasure in your shoes.

-Can you take...?

No, I need to find the X.

-There should be...

-The what?

The X. There should be some treasure at the X.

# But I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for

# But I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for. #

Hey, don't go, you guys!

You can have some too! We'll share it with you!

BEEPING

-Oh, wow!

-There you go.

Wow, that's not treasure, but that's something else.

-We're gonna have to go.

-The smell.

Ooh, just as I suspected. This hotel is riddled with secret passages.

Honestly, I've stayed here forever and the only secret

I thought it had was how the staff here got their jobs!

-Boom-boom!

-Yes.

I really must stop doing that.

I'm beginning to annoy myself.

Ah, look!

Surprise, surprise, it's a relic.

Honestly I don't know how I do it.

-What is it?

-I believe it is the sacred spatula of like totally

-eternal and everlasting youth!

-Ooh!

Shouldn't you be careful, Windy?

Don't you normally have to do some jiggery-pokery

before you touch a relic to stop really, really bad things happening?

Good point. Now let me see.

There's this little drawing here of a man picking up the sacred spatula

and falling into a massive hole.

What do you think that means?

What do you think? Does it suit me?

Yes! Yes, it does suit me, that's what you're supposed to say.

People are so stupid.

And now, for the first time ever, the relic

is going to be mine, mine, mine!

Und it's about bloomin' time, I can tell you.

Wow! I never thought this would actually happen,

but here I am, about to pick up this relic, right here, right now.

I should call my mother.

Anyone got a mobile?

No? Never mind, I'll call her later. Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

I'm going to take the relic now.

Right this second. OK, now!

Oh! Ah...!

I'll get you, Dr Bones!

I know I always say that, but I mean it this time.

Oh, so that's what the little drawing was for.

I never would have guessed it!

-Here we are, another one to add to your collection.

-Oh, no, you keep it.

I don't get it. "X marks the spot," it says,

and we've been to every X in town!

Except the eggs factory! Eggs factory!

Get it? Eggs, cos it sounds a bit like X?

Come on, I've been working on that joke for about an hour!

It's OK, Jamie, not everyone's

good at exciting, adventurous things like treasure hunting.

You have your own unique talents.

I'm sure Dr Bones would be a rubbish bellboy.

Just take this, will you? I never want to see it again.

That's what I said about In The Night Garden.

-Never again. It's freaky.

-Dr Bones! I feel all faint again!

Rescue me, again!

Oh, is that my map? Great!

I need it to get to my car. I can never remember where I've parked it.

Your...your car?

It's a map to your car, isn't it?

I knew that. I mean, what else would it be, right?

No, Jamie, you thought it was a treasure map.

A treasure map!

Ooh! I mean, I didn't think that for a second.

Although it does look so ancient and treasury, I must say.

-I spilt tea on it in my room - that's why it's all yellow.

-Oh.

It does make it look all ancient, doesn't it? How funny!

Anyway, I thought the maid had thrown it away,

so thanks for rescuing it for me.

All part of the service.

Look, she actually did service with a smile.

She's never done that before. We should take a picture!

Ooh, good idea. Take a photo of me and Dr Bones!

Is that OK, Dr Bones?

Of course. Anything to oblige a lovely lady.

OK, are you ready?

-Say "Cheese!"

-Cheese!

I'll get you, Dr Bones! I so totally will!

EVIL LAUGH

That's funny. The maid said there was no-one in room 9.

But this bag was still there.

Isn't that where we put Mr John Jim No Brian Smith No Jones?

You haven't seen Mr John Jim No Brian Smith No Jones,

-have you, Mrs P?

-He, er, checked out in a hurry.

Strange little man.

Now, Sally, about this entertainment you're going to organise.

-Yeah, um...

-Ah, yeah, perhaps this...

cute fluffy kitten puzzle might entertain you for a while, Mrs P.

Oh, Jamie, that's purr-fect!

I've had all the excitement I can handle

in one day. And General Poshington loves a jigsaw, don't you, Sirius?

-Are you serious?

-No, General Poshington is Sirius.

Honestly, sometimes I worry where your brain is.

What?

You rescued me.

Oh, yeah, so I did.

# I'm holding out for a hero... #

PHONE RINGS

Hello! Hotel Trubble?

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know it

# Stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #