Britain's Most Boring Bellboy Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble. It may not look like much,

but come in and take a look. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

Always service with a smile.

People, trying to have a conversation, here.

And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

We're just not sure what they are yet.

Ah, yes, this is Dolly, Mr Trubble's fiancee.

She's always full of bright ideas for the hotel.

And here's Mrs Poshington, our oldest guest and newest cleaner,

although I'm not sure she's ever done any cleaning.

Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

BELL TINGS

Can I take your bags?

# Hotel Trubble forever It's the pits and we know

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

-Lenny, when I asked you to help Mrs P clean the toilets...

-Yes, Jamie.

-..I actually meant help her clean them.

-Oh, not...

Use her cat, General Poshington, as a toilet brush.

-No.

-Miaow!

Guess what? Mr Trubble wants us to do THE most exciting thing.

Pop it, lock it, polka dot it!

-More exciting than that.

-Not possible.

He wants two people from here to go to Fishcotheque tonight!

Fishcotheque? Mr T's celeb hangout!

Gossip Magazine says it's where fish and disco collide.

In a good way.

Welcome to Fishcotheque,

the exclusive hangout of such celebrities

as Nicole Squidman,

Tuna Tempah,

Fern Cod-on and Charlotte Perch.

Let's see what Prawn Connery has to say!

It's shimply the besht.

And Mussel Crowe is absolutely clear.

I'm husband to a hungry wife, father to a starving son.

Call me shellfish,

but I'll have their fish and chips in this world or the next.

Fishcotheque! Where fish and celebrity collide in a good way.

Brought to you by Trubble Inc.

Other fish-based businesses are available but they stink of fish.

And it's full of hot totty!

Oh, I love hot totty!

Especially the bit where the cheese comes out the side...

That's a toastie, Lenny.

I'm talking about gorgeous, famous boys,

all in one place, unable to get away.

It's a shame there's nobody here who'd take advantage of that.

PHONE RINGS

INDISTINCT FRANTIC SPEECH

-Was that Sally calling from Guatemala?

-Erm, maybe.

Wondering where I am?

You should have been watching, shouldn't you?

For the people with excuses, here's what's been going on.

This is Daisy, urgh.

Daisy's on the run because she stole an elephant.

Our top story - an elephant has disappeared from London Zoo.

It is believed the thief is Daisy Birchall.

Remain on your guard.

And then, because she posted me to Guatemala!

Shhh! If you keep quiet,

I'll send you all the new issues of Gossip Magazine.

And then she took my job on reception and that was all bad.

So, it turns out Daisy has got a good excuse...for the elephant.

Maybe the elephant was imprisoned and she rescued it.

Did you think of that?

Jamie and Lenny don't know what Daisy's done.

Sunny Guatemala? Oh, it must be from Sally.

They think she's just a normal receptionist.

Daisy, do you want to borrow any of Sally's magazines?

-So, it looks like she's staying.

-Lip gloss.

-Only until I get back!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

Pardon me.

Oh, that reminds me. She sent me some photos.

-Oh, look, here she is on the beach.

-By the pool.

Oh, and she's made a friend!

-There's something different about her, though.

-Yeah.

Oh, she's not got her uniform on.

-Yeah, people always look different when they're not at work.

-Yeah.

Did she send a letter?

Oh, yeah, she did. I've not read it yet, but...

It was here a second ago.

Have you seen the letter?

No, no.

So, which of us should go to Fishcotheque, then? Jamie?

A disco? When I could be working here,

on my second shift as the night porter? Don't think so!

What about you, Daisy?

Do you fancy a night of celebrities, paparazzi and haddock?

I dunno... I like to keep my head down, really...

The last thing I want is a camera pointing at me.

THUD Oh, look - a camera crew!

-Ahh!

-Daisy, it's a...

Oh.

Where's she gone?

Come on, Daisy,

-come out!

-No, I'm staying here.

Don't worry, Jamie, I'll take it from here. Come on!

Chase the wool! Chase the wool!

Lenny, that's how we coax YOU out of hiding places.

Oh, yeah!

-Come on, Daisy! What's the problem?

-I don't want to be on TV.

Why not? It's not as if you're a wanted criminal

and the police will find out where you're hiding, is it? SHE LAUGHS

BOTH LAUGH

So, are you going to come out?

-No.

-Oh, come on! They're probably not filming here.

They might just need somewhere to store their cameras.

It's not as if they've got... a celebrity presenter with them.

-HE GASPS

-Barney!

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie!

It's Barney!

-Who?

-You know, Barney Harwood!

Off the telly! He's in Basil Brush, Barney's Barrier Reef,

Basil and Barney's Swap Shop,

-Bamzooki, Bear Behaving Badly.

-Wow, a lot of shows.

That's just the Bs Jamie, that's just the Bs!

-And, er, this is Jamie.

-How are you doing? I'm Barney.

I've heard you're on a lot of TV programmes.

Yeah, quite a few. So, you're the bellboy, then?

Yes. And, er, manager-in-waiting.

LIFT DINGS, DOG GROWLS

Unofficial, secretive manager-in-waiting.

-Well, you are perfect.

-For what?

My brilliant idea to get publicity for the hotel!

I've asked Barney here if he'd like to film his TV show,

which is going to be all about... bellboys!

# You're simply the best

-# Better than all the rest... #

-I'd love to stay at Hotel Trubble.

Hi. I saw you on that bellboy show.

I think you are amazing!

Really?!

Oh, yes. I want to stay at your hotel for ever and ever! And I...

-BURP! LENNY'S VOICE:

-..needed that!

Huh?

-HE BURPS

-And that!

So, what do you think?

It really is a brilliant idea, Dolly.

Jamie, are you all right?

Did you actually say that my idea was brilliant?

Whoa! I did, didn't I?

Oh, oh!

Just the shock, it'll wear off in a minute.

Right, then. Let's get started.

# Clap clap Clap clap

# Clap clap Clap clap

# Clap clap Clap clap... #

OK, Jamie, just talk us through your day.

The life of a bellboy

is one of constant pressure.

I have to make split-second decisions

in the most dynamic and fluid of situations.

Oh, oh! Which hand do I carry the suitcase in?

Is my uniform blue enough? DAISY SCREAMS

Should it be...more blue?

Cut!

Being a bellboy isn't just about being a boy who answers bells.

Although it is mostly that.

I also do things like... plump the cushions

..and, er, open the, er, curtains.

Follow me.

BOTH SCREAM

Cut!

Don't know how... What's going on there?

You all right, there?

Don't worry, I haven't got a camera! Is that what you're worried about?

It's fine! A lot of people don't like to be on telly. I understand.

-You understand?

-TV's not all it's cracked up to be.

It's really hard work - exhausting, sometimes.

-You don't LOOK exhausted.

-What, this fresh-faced thing?

It's make-up - look.

DAISY GASPS

I haven't slept in three years.

They keep making me film TV shows all the time -

it's non-stop. I'm tired.

I had no idea!

-Barney?

-Shh!

Barney? Where are you?

-Don't tell anyone I told you this!

-No, of course!

So, remember, TV is brilliant!

It's not just for entertainment, it's for everything.

If you want to change the world, TV is your friend!

-Stop screaming in the back of all Jamie's shots, please.

-OK.

Deal! Back to work, everyone!

# Clap clap... #

If you want to change the world,

TV is your friend!

Hi, hi.

Hey.

Look, I'm sorry.

Sorry about Daisy. Hope it won't interfere with the schedule.

-Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.

-I really want this programme to go well.

Of course, it'll be fine. You'll be brilliant. You'll be famous.

Every time someone sees your face, they'll think of this programme.

-Brilliant!

-Ready? OK.

In three, two... Hi, I'm Barney Harwood,

and you're joining me at Hotel Trubble

for another fantastic episode of..

Britain's Most Boring Bellboys.

# When I call you a loser... #

I'd hate to stay at Hotel Trubble.

ALLURING MUSIC

Hi. I saw you on that bellboy show.

-I think you are amazing...

-Really? Still?

..ly dull! I would never stay here in a million years!

I preferred the burps.

But I'm not a BIT boring!

No, Jamie, you're not a BIT boring.

You're ENORMOUSLY boring. Think about it - the uniform,

the forks...your face. You're more boring than quantum physics.

In fact, I'm thinking about making a two-hour special all about you!

But you can't do that!

I mean, I'm a bellboy!

My father was a bellboy.

HIS father was a...

Well, actually his father was a lackey, but he worked his way up.

It was the winter of 1938, I think, and...

Are you listening to me?!

HE SHOUTS: Are you even awake?!

Oh, sorry!

Wonderful sleep.

Even Jamie's VOICE was that boring, it sent me to sleep.

Glorious sleep!

I'm sorry, you were, um... you were saying?

I was just saying, my...

Dolly!

-Dolly wouldn't stop the filming?

-No.

AS DOLLY: "There's no such thing as bad publicity".

-Yeah, like when we were on the news.

-We were on the news?

No...we weren't on the news...

for selling the hotel for the price of a single jammy donut.

-What am I going to do?

-Well...

you could always...quit?

-What?

-Well, if you quit

then Hotel Trubble won't have a boring bellboy

for Barney to make a programme about.

Lenny, you do remember how Hotel Trubble

is the only thing I've ever cared about in my whole life?

-Yeah, but...

-Actually, I think you've got something.

Well, the lotion's helping.

If we don't have a boring bellboy, Barney doesn't have a show.

But that doesn't mean I have to resign.

I just have to do something really exciting!

Now, what's really exciting?

-Chess!

-That's ridiculous.

Yeah, too much. You don't want to blow his mind!

Just think I need something really "wow",

something that screams, "I'm so exciting!"

Like what, Jamie?

You know, like an elephant placard.

What's this? "No to elephant testing"?

I'm taking Barney's advice.

TV can change the world,

and my campaign for justice starts right here!

"Legalise elephant theft".

-"Free the lab elephants".

-I thought you didn't want to be on TV?

Well, that's why they have eye holes in them.

PHONE BLARES

Hello? Mr Trubble!

No, we haven't forgotten.

Fishcotheque, half seven, so exciting! Thank you so much!

-PHONE GOES DEAD

-Hello?

No, he's gone.

Of course. Fishcotheque! I'll go there!

That'll prove I'm not boring!

-I'm going!

-You said you didn't want to.

I've changed my mind!

I'm going to get loads of celebrities

to sign up to my campaign!

What campaign? Elephants?

Daisy, you haven't expressed the slightest interest in elephants

in all the time you've been here!

They think she's just a normal receptionist.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

-Pardon you.

-Thank you.

So, why don't you both go?

Like a date?

Well, Dolly is out tonight,

and I can't leave you and Mrs P alone, can we?

Remember what happened that the last time?

-Bye!

-Cheerio!

-Have fun!

Now what are we going to do?

-We could press the button they told you never to press!

-Yeah, why not?

'Hotel self-destruct, activated in five, four, three...'

I guess that's why not!

Ooh, ooh...

-So, I guess that means... BOTH:

-You can't go tonight.

-What?

-No way you're going instead of me! Think of the elephants!

If I don't go then the hotel is in big trouble! Don't you care?

-So, who is going to go?

-Me!

-Me! OK, OK, look.

-Mr Trubble said the night was for two people. Right? Like a...date.

-Right.

How about this? First one of us to get a date gets to go.

-You've got a deal.

-Great.

-Brilliant.

-You're on.

So, I'm picturing you, me,

a halibut and some of my special moves.

-Ooh!

-Sorry, mate!

So, are we on for tonight or what?

No.

What? Why not?

Because I'm washing the general.

-CAT MIAOWS

-Oh, sorry, got to go. Bye.

All right, serious. Mummy's here.

She said no! Then she hung up!

-Women(!)

-I've called all the girls I know, and both them have said no.

Now how am I going to find a date?

Thank you. Thank you!

HE SNIFFS

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

Ah!

-There's...there's an...

-Elephant?

-Yes.

-And an awful lot of...

-Dung. I know. It's mine.

No. The elephant is mine.

Look, Barney, I'm not going to beat about the bush.

I desperately need your help! I've done...

questionable things, but I'm on a mission, Barney Harwood.

And right now, I need a man like you!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS AND BASHES DOOR

Oh, the papers, yeah! People find dates in the paper!

-I don't know, Lenny. Lonely hearts?

-Yeah, trust me, Jamie.

Let's have a look. Oh, here we go, 20 years old, quiet, reliable...

-Sounds quite nice.

-Available now!

-Excellent!

-Midnight blue.

-Interesting. Wait...

-Is this a car?

-Er...

-CAR:

-Don't be stupid, Lenny!

The only date I'm looking forward to is my MOT!

-Yeah, sorry, Jamie.

-I can't let Barney put us on the programme.

There's only one thing left for me to do. Ruddy Dolly.

But I thought you said you couldn't quit?

It's even worse than that.

I'll have to ask her out. She's the only other girl around!

Calm down, Jamie! This is not the time for this kind of mad talk!

Righto. When will it be time, then? I do like a plan, you see.

-I'm not boring, I tell you, I'm not boring!

-Jamie, snap out of it!

HE RINGS BELL REPEATEDLY

Good afternoon, can I take your bags? Thanks!

Jamie, you've just got to relax! Daisy's only been here two weeks.

-There's no way she can find anyone by now!

-So, you're up for it?

-Of course, I'd love to. I really would.

-Oh, no. She's dating Barney!

Don't worry about it, Jamie. They're probably not arranging a date.

He's probably just joined her elephant campaign.

We probably just hilariously got the wrong end of the stick.

Yeah, that's probably it.

It's probably just a terrible comic misunderstanding.

-I can't wait for our date tonight, Barney.

-Neither can I!

Right, that's it.

Barney, a word. Dolly's office.

Now!

Listen, Harwood!

So, here we are, up close and personal with what actually

might be Britain's most boring bellboy.

-I am not!

-All right, then, prove it.

I'm trying!

Hang on.

You've stopped falling asleep when I talk to you. Ha ha!

Not so boring now, am I?

BARNEY SNORES

Oh.

I AM boring.

Look, if you wanted to prove that you're just too exciting

to be on my show, all you had to do was...

Come here.

INAUDIBLE

Oh, right. Yes, of course. Cripes. Well, that is exciting.

-So?

-Never. I couldn't...

Not even for the good of the hotel?

Actually, you've got something. BARNEY SNORES

-Have I missed it?

-Missed what?

Quiet please. And action.

Arrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrr!

Arrrrrrrrr...

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Shamone! Shamone!

Shamone!

Pop it, lock it, polka dot it!

Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah!

Me Jamie. Me take your bags. Give, give! Oh, and...

HE SHOUTS OUT TARZAN CALL

-Jamie, what...what are you doing?

-Proving I'm not boring.

And keeping myself and the hotel off the telly. Right, Barney?

I'm afraid not, Jamie.

What? But you said...

I said I wouldn't put you on Britain's Most Boring Bellboys.

Tell him!

Jamie, you've just been pranked by the Prank Patrol!

THEY LAUGH AND APPLAUD

What?

# Here they come, they're on a roll

# Where they'll strike, nobody knows

# Here we go Come on, join the Prank Patrol! #

The best bit of the prank was when Jamie did that stupid Tarzan thing!

And when he told me my idea was brilliant.

Actually, no, that was the best bit.

The best part of the prank for me was this bit.

Where you filmed me saying that the best part

of the prank for me was this bit.

Where you filmed me saying that the best part

of the prank for me was this bit.

Where you filmed me saying that the best part

of the prank for me was this bit.

I liked the bit where I was washing the cat.

Well, I really hadn't had a lot to do this episode,

so I thought it would bear a slow motion replay.

HEAVENLY MUSIC

Yes. Just like that!

Where you filmed...

Where you filmed me saying the best part

of the prank for me was this bit.

Where...

So, there's no such programme as Britain's Most Boring Bellboys?

It was all part of the prank?

Yeah. We made it all up!

Now millions of people will see

how stupid you look on national television!

-Not a lot of change there, then.

-Why aren't you mortified?

Well, made you laugh, right?

So, if I'm not very much mistaken, it will make the nation laugh too!

WIND BLOWS

And that's got to be great publicity for the hotel, so...

thanks, Prank Patrol!

Oh, and you get to go on a date with Barney Harwood!

-Yeah!

-So I think everything's turned out pretty well!

I know. Isn't it exciting?

And he's going to...

Introduce me to loads more celebs who can sign up for my campaign!

No problem. It's a pleasure, Daisy!

-I do have one more thing to say to you before we go in.

-What?

You've been pranked by the Prank Patrol!

I'm not Barney at all.

I'm Lenny!

I don't believe it.

Barney didn't want to come out on a date with you,

so he got me involved with the prank! What was your best bit?

Well, my favourite part must've been...

when I told you

that you've been pranked by the Prank Patrol!

I'm Mrs Poshington!

Daisy was too worried to come out to the nightclub after all!

Wow, I don't believe it! It's a good one.

-You really got me, Mrs P! Anyway, let's party!

-Yeah!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Finally! Some peace! I wonder what that does.

'Hotel self-destruct, activated...'

-PHONE RINGS

-'..in five, four, three,

-'two, one...'

-Hello, Hotel Trubble?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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