Britain's Most Boring Bellboy Hotel Trubble


Britain's Most Boring Bellboy

Children's sitcom. TV presenter Barney arrives to make a show called Britain's Most Boring Bellboys. Can Jamie prove he is too exciting to be on it?


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Transcript


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Welcome to Hotel Trubble. It may not look like much,

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but come in and take a look. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

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Always service with a smile.

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People, trying to have a conversation, here.

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And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

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We're just not sure what they are yet.

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Ah, yes, this is Dolly, Mr Trubble's fiancee.

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She's always full of bright ideas for the hotel.

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And here's Mrs Poshington, our oldest guest and newest cleaner,

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although I'm not sure she's ever done any cleaning.

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Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

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BELL TINGS

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Can I take your bags?

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# Hotel Trubble forever It's the pits and we know

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# We're stuck but we love it

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# Hotel Trubble forever

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# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

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# So the hotel survives

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# Trubble, Trubble

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# Keep the hotel alive. #

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-Lenny, when I asked you to help Mrs P clean the toilets...

-Yes, Jamie.

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-..I actually meant help her clean them.

-Oh, not...

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Use her cat, General Poshington, as a toilet brush.

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-No.

-Miaow!

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Guess what? Mr Trubble wants us to do THE most exciting thing.

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Pop it, lock it, polka dot it!

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-More exciting than that.

-Not possible.

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He wants two people from here to go to Fishcotheque tonight!

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Fishcotheque? Mr T's celeb hangout!

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Gossip Magazine says it's where fish and disco collide.

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In a good way.

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Welcome to Fishcotheque,

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the exclusive hangout of such celebrities

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as Nicole Squidman,

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Tuna Tempah,

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Fern Cod-on and Charlotte Perch.

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Let's see what Prawn Connery has to say!

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It's shimply the besht.

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And Mussel Crowe is absolutely clear.

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I'm husband to a hungry wife, father to a starving son.

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Call me shellfish,

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but I'll have their fish and chips in this world or the next.

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Fishcotheque! Where fish and celebrity collide in a good way.

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Brought to you by Trubble Inc.

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Other fish-based businesses are available but they stink of fish.

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And it's full of hot totty!

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Oh, I love hot totty!

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Especially the bit where the cheese comes out the side...

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That's a toastie, Lenny.

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I'm talking about gorgeous, famous boys,

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all in one place, unable to get away.

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It's a shame there's nobody here who'd take advantage of that.

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PHONE RINGS

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INDISTINCT FRANTIC SPEECH

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-Was that Sally calling from Guatemala?

-Erm, maybe.

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Wondering where I am?

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You should have been watching, shouldn't you?

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For the people with excuses, here's what's been going on.

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This is Daisy, urgh.

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Daisy's on the run because she stole an elephant.

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Our top story - an elephant has disappeared from London Zoo.

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It is believed the thief is Daisy Birchall.

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Remain on your guard.

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And then, because she posted me to Guatemala!

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Shhh! If you keep quiet,

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I'll send you all the new issues of Gossip Magazine.

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And then she took my job on reception and that was all bad.

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So, it turns out Daisy has got a good excuse...for the elephant.

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Maybe the elephant was imprisoned and she rescued it.

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Did you think of that?

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Jamie and Lenny don't know what Daisy's done.

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Sunny Guatemala? Oh, it must be from Sally.

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They think she's just a normal receptionist.

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Daisy, do you want to borrow any of Sally's magazines?

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-So, it looks like she's staying.

-Lip gloss.

-Only until I get back!

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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Pardon me.

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Oh, that reminds me. She sent me some photos.

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-Oh, look, here she is on the beach.

-By the pool.

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Oh, and she's made a friend!

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-There's something different about her, though.

-Yeah.

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Oh, she's not got her uniform on.

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-Yeah, people always look different when they're not at work.

-Yeah.

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Did she send a letter?

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Oh, yeah, she did. I've not read it yet, but...

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It was here a second ago.

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Have you seen the letter?

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No, no.

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So, which of us should go to Fishcotheque, then? Jamie?

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A disco? When I could be working here,

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on my second shift as the night porter? Don't think so!

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What about you, Daisy?

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Do you fancy a night of celebrities, paparazzi and haddock?

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I dunno... I like to keep my head down, really...

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The last thing I want is a camera pointing at me.

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THUD Oh, look - a camera crew!

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-Ahh!

-Daisy, it's a...

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Oh.

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Where's she gone?

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Come on, Daisy,

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-come out!

-No, I'm staying here.

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Don't worry, Jamie, I'll take it from here. Come on!

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Chase the wool! Chase the wool!

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Lenny, that's how we coax YOU out of hiding places.

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Oh, yeah!

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-Come on, Daisy! What's the problem?

-I don't want to be on TV.

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Why not? It's not as if you're a wanted criminal

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and the police will find out where you're hiding, is it? SHE LAUGHS

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BOTH LAUGH

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So, are you going to come out?

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-No.

-Oh, come on! They're probably not filming here.

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They might just need somewhere to store their cameras.

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It's not as if they've got... a celebrity presenter with them.

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-HE GASPS

-Barney!

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Jamie, Jamie, Jamie!

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It's Barney!

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-Who?

-You know, Barney Harwood!

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Off the telly! He's in Basil Brush, Barney's Barrier Reef,

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Basil and Barney's Swap Shop,

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-Bamzooki, Bear Behaving Badly.

-Wow, a lot of shows.

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That's just the Bs Jamie, that's just the Bs!

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-And, er, this is Jamie.

-How are you doing? I'm Barney.

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I've heard you're on a lot of TV programmes.

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Yeah, quite a few. So, you're the bellboy, then?

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Yes. And, er, manager-in-waiting.

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LIFT DINGS, DOG GROWLS

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Unofficial, secretive manager-in-waiting.

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-Well, you are perfect.

-For what?

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My brilliant idea to get publicity for the hotel!

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I've asked Barney here if he'd like to film his TV show,

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which is going to be all about... bellboys!

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# You're simply the best

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-# Better than all the rest... #

-I'd love to stay at Hotel Trubble.

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Hi. I saw you on that bellboy show.

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I think you are amazing!

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Really?!

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Oh, yes. I want to stay at your hotel for ever and ever! And I...

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-BURP! LENNY'S VOICE:

-..needed that!

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Huh?

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-HE BURPS

-And that!

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So, what do you think?

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It really is a brilliant idea, Dolly.

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Jamie, are you all right?

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Did you actually say that my idea was brilliant?

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Whoa! I did, didn't I?

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Oh, oh!

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Just the shock, it'll wear off in a minute.

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Right, then. Let's get started.

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# Clap clap Clap clap

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# Clap clap Clap clap

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# Clap clap Clap clap... #

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OK, Jamie, just talk us through your day.

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The life of a bellboy

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is one of constant pressure.

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I have to make split-second decisions

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in the most dynamic and fluid of situations.

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Oh, oh! Which hand do I carry the suitcase in?

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Is my uniform blue enough? DAISY SCREAMS

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Should it be...more blue?

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Cut!

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Being a bellboy isn't just about being a boy who answers bells.

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Although it is mostly that.

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I also do things like... plump the cushions

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..and, er, open the, er, curtains.

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Follow me.

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BOTH SCREAM

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Cut!

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Don't know how... What's going on there?

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You all right, there?

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Don't worry, I haven't got a camera! Is that what you're worried about?

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It's fine! A lot of people don't like to be on telly. I understand.

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-You understand?

-TV's not all it's cracked up to be.

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It's really hard work - exhausting, sometimes.

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-You don't LOOK exhausted.

-What, this fresh-faced thing?

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It's make-up - look.

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DAISY GASPS

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I haven't slept in three years.

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They keep making me film TV shows all the time -

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it's non-stop. I'm tired.

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I had no idea!

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-Barney?

-Shh!

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Barney? Where are you?

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-Don't tell anyone I told you this!

-No, of course!

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So, remember, TV is brilliant!

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It's not just for entertainment, it's for everything.

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If you want to change the world, TV is your friend!

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-Stop screaming in the back of all Jamie's shots, please.

-OK.

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Deal! Back to work, everyone!

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# Clap clap... #

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If you want to change the world,

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TV is your friend!

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Hi, hi.

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Hey.

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Look, I'm sorry.

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Sorry about Daisy. Hope it won't interfere with the schedule.

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-Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.

-I really want this programme to go well.

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Of course, it'll be fine. You'll be brilliant. You'll be famous.

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Every time someone sees your face, they'll think of this programme.

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-Brilliant!

-Ready? OK.

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In three, two... Hi, I'm Barney Harwood,

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and you're joining me at Hotel Trubble

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for another fantastic episode of..

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Britain's Most Boring Bellboys.

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# When I call you a loser... #

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I'd hate to stay at Hotel Trubble.

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ALLURING MUSIC

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Hi. I saw you on that bellboy show.

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-I think you are amazing...

-Really? Still?

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..ly dull! I would never stay here in a million years!

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I preferred the burps.

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But I'm not a BIT boring!

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No, Jamie, you're not a BIT boring.

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You're ENORMOUSLY boring. Think about it - the uniform,

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the forks...your face. You're more boring than quantum physics.

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In fact, I'm thinking about making a two-hour special all about you!

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But you can't do that!

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I mean, I'm a bellboy!

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My father was a bellboy.

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HIS father was a...

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Well, actually his father was a lackey, but he worked his way up.

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It was the winter of 1938, I think, and...

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Are you listening to me?!

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HE SHOUTS: Are you even awake?!

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Oh, sorry!

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Wonderful sleep.

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Even Jamie's VOICE was that boring, it sent me to sleep.

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Glorious sleep!

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I'm sorry, you were, um... you were saying?

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I was just saying, my...

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Dolly!

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-Dolly wouldn't stop the filming?

-No.

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AS DOLLY: "There's no such thing as bad publicity".

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-Yeah, like when we were on the news.

-We were on the news?

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No...we weren't on the news...

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for selling the hotel for the price of a single jammy donut.

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-What am I going to do?

-Well...

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you could always...quit?

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-What?

-Well, if you quit

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then Hotel Trubble won't have a boring bellboy

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for Barney to make a programme about.

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Lenny, you do remember how Hotel Trubble

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is the only thing I've ever cared about in my whole life?

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-Yeah, but...

-Actually, I think you've got something.

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Well, the lotion's helping.

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If we don't have a boring bellboy, Barney doesn't have a show.

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But that doesn't mean I have to resign.

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I just have to do something really exciting!

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Now, what's really exciting?

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-Chess!

-That's ridiculous.

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Yeah, too much. You don't want to blow his mind!

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Just think I need something really "wow",

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something that screams, "I'm so exciting!"

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Like what, Jamie?

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You know, like an elephant placard.

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What's this? "No to elephant testing"?

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I'm taking Barney's advice.

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TV can change the world,

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and my campaign for justice starts right here!

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"Legalise elephant theft".

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-"Free the lab elephants".

-I thought you didn't want to be on TV?

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Well, that's why they have eye holes in them.

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PHONE BLARES

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Hello? Mr Trubble!

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No, we haven't forgotten.

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Fishcotheque, half seven, so exciting! Thank you so much!

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-PHONE GOES DEAD

-Hello?

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No, he's gone.

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Of course. Fishcotheque! I'll go there!

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That'll prove I'm not boring!

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-I'm going!

-You said you didn't want to.

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I've changed my mind!

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I'm going to get loads of celebrities

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to sign up to my campaign!

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What campaign? Elephants?

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Daisy, you haven't expressed the slightest interest in elephants

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in all the time you've been here!

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They think she's just a normal receptionist.

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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-Pardon you.

-Thank you.

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So, why don't you both go?

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Like a date?

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Well, Dolly is out tonight,

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and I can't leave you and Mrs P alone, can we?

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Remember what happened that the last time?

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-Bye!

-Cheerio!

-Have fun!

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Now what are we going to do?

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-We could press the button they told you never to press!

-Yeah, why not?

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'Hotel self-destruct, activated in five, four, three...'

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I guess that's why not!

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Ooh, ooh...

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-So, I guess that means... BOTH:

-You can't go tonight.

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-What?

-No way you're going instead of me! Think of the elephants!

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If I don't go then the hotel is in big trouble! Don't you care?

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-So, who is going to go?

-Me!

-Me! OK, OK, look.

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-Mr Trubble said the night was for two people. Right? Like a...date.

-Right.

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How about this? First one of us to get a date gets to go.

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-You've got a deal.

-Great.

-Brilliant.

-You're on.

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So, I'm picturing you, me,

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a halibut and some of my special moves.

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-Ooh!

-Sorry, mate!

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So, are we on for tonight or what?

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No.

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What? Why not?

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Because I'm washing the general.

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-CAT MIAOWS

-Oh, sorry, got to go. Bye.

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All right, serious. Mummy's here.

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She said no! Then she hung up!

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-Women(!)

-I've called all the girls I know, and both them have said no.

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Now how am I going to find a date?

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Thank you. Thank you!

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HE SNIFFS

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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Ah!

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-There's...there's an...

-Elephant?

-Yes.

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-And an awful lot of...

-Dung. I know. It's mine.

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No. The elephant is mine.

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Look, Barney, I'm not going to beat about the bush.

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I desperately need your help! I've done...

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questionable things, but I'm on a mission, Barney Harwood.

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And right now, I need a man like you!

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS AND BASHES DOOR

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Oh, the papers, yeah! People find dates in the paper!

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-I don't know, Lenny. Lonely hearts?

-Yeah, trust me, Jamie.

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Let's have a look. Oh, here we go, 20 years old, quiet, reliable...

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-Sounds quite nice.

-Available now!

-Excellent!

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-Midnight blue.

-Interesting. Wait...

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-Is this a car?

-Er...

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-CAR:

-Don't be stupid, Lenny!

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The only date I'm looking forward to is my MOT!

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-Yeah, sorry, Jamie.

-I can't let Barney put us on the programme.

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There's only one thing left for me to do. Ruddy Dolly.

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But I thought you said you couldn't quit?

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It's even worse than that.

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I'll have to ask her out. She's the only other girl around!

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Calm down, Jamie! This is not the time for this kind of mad talk!

0:18:450:18:50

Righto. When will it be time, then? I do like a plan, you see.

0:18:500:18:54

-I'm not boring, I tell you, I'm not boring!

-Jamie, snap out of it!

0:18:540:18:58

HE RINGS BELL REPEATEDLY

0:18:580:18:59

Good afternoon, can I take your bags? Thanks!

0:18:590:19:04

Jamie, you've just got to relax! Daisy's only been here two weeks.

0:19:040:19:08

-There's no way she can find anyone by now!

-So, you're up for it?

0:19:080:19:12

-Of course, I'd love to. I really would.

-Oh, no. She's dating Barney!

0:19:120:19:16

Don't worry about it, Jamie. They're probably not arranging a date.

0:19:160:19:21

He's probably just joined her elephant campaign.

0:19:210:19:23

We probably just hilariously got the wrong end of the stick.

0:19:230:19:28

Yeah, that's probably it.

0:19:280:19:30

It's probably just a terrible comic misunderstanding.

0:19:300:19:33

-I can't wait for our date tonight, Barney.

-Neither can I!

0:19:330:19:37

Right, that's it.

0:19:370:19:40

Barney, a word. Dolly's office.

0:19:410:19:44

Now!

0:19:460:19:47

Listen, Harwood!

0:19:520:19:53

So, here we are, up close and personal with what actually

0:19:530:19:57

might be Britain's most boring bellboy.

0:19:570:20:00

-I am not!

-All right, then, prove it.

0:20:000:20:04

I'm trying!

0:20:040:20:06

Hang on.

0:20:060:20:08

You've stopped falling asleep when I talk to you. Ha ha!

0:20:100:20:14

Not so boring now, am I?

0:20:140:20:16

BARNEY SNORES

0:20:160:20:17

Oh.

0:20:190:20:20

I AM boring.

0:20:200:20:22

Look, if you wanted to prove that you're just too exciting

0:20:240:20:27

to be on my show, all you had to do was...

0:20:270:20:29

Come here.

0:20:290:20:31

INAUDIBLE

0:20:320:20:34

Oh, right. Yes, of course. Cripes. Well, that is exciting.

0:20:340:20:40

-So?

-Never. I couldn't...

0:20:400:20:42

Not even for the good of the hotel?

0:20:420:20:46

Actually, you've got something. BARNEY SNORES

0:20:460:20:49

-Have I missed it?

-Missed what?

0:20:590:21:01

Quiet please. And action.

0:21:010:21:04

Arrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrr!

0:21:040:21:09

Arrrrrrrrr...

0:21:090:21:12

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

0:21:120:21:14

Shamone! Shamone!

0:21:140:21:17

Shamone!

0:21:170:21:19

Pop it, lock it, polka dot it!

0:21:190:21:22

Whoo! Yeah!

0:21:220:21:24

Yeah!

0:21:240:21:25

Me Jamie. Me take your bags. Give, give! Oh, and...

0:21:310:21:36

HE SHOUTS OUT TARZAN CALL

0:21:360:21:39

-Jamie, what...what are you doing?

-Proving I'm not boring.

0:21:390:21:42

And keeping myself and the hotel off the telly. Right, Barney?

0:21:420:21:45

I'm afraid not, Jamie.

0:21:450:21:47

What? But you said...

0:21:470:21:50

I said I wouldn't put you on Britain's Most Boring Bellboys.

0:21:500:21:54

Tell him!

0:21:540:21:55

Jamie, you've just been pranked by the Prank Patrol!

0:21:550:21:59

THEY LAUGH AND APPLAUD

0:21:590:22:01

What?

0:22:010:22:03

# Here they come, they're on a roll

0:22:040:22:06

# Where they'll strike, nobody knows

0:22:060:22:09

# Here we go Come on, join the Prank Patrol! #

0:22:090:22:13

The best bit of the prank was when Jamie did that stupid Tarzan thing!

0:22:130:22:19

And when he told me my idea was brilliant.

0:22:190:22:21

Actually, no, that was the best bit.

0:22:210:22:23

The best part of the prank for me was this bit.

0:22:230:22:26

Where you filmed me saying that the best part

0:22:260:22:28

of the prank for me was this bit.

0:22:280:22:29

Where you filmed me saying that the best part

0:22:290:22:31

of the prank for me was this bit.

0:22:310:22:33

Where you filmed me saying that the best part

0:22:340:22:37

of the prank for me was this bit.

0:22:370:22:40

I liked the bit where I was washing the cat.

0:22:400:22:44

Well, I really hadn't had a lot to do this episode,

0:22:440:22:46

so I thought it would bear a slow motion replay.

0:22:460:22:53

HEAVENLY MUSIC

0:22:530:22:54

Yes. Just like that!

0:22:590:23:01

Where you filmed...

0:23:010:23:03

Where you filmed me saying the best part

0:23:030:23:05

of the prank for me was this bit.

0:23:050:23:07

Where...

0:23:070:23:09

So, there's no such programme as Britain's Most Boring Bellboys?

0:23:120:23:16

It was all part of the prank?

0:23:160:23:18

Yeah. We made it all up!

0:23:180:23:21

Now millions of people will see

0:23:210:23:25

how stupid you look on national television!

0:23:250:23:28

-Not a lot of change there, then.

-Why aren't you mortified?

0:23:280:23:32

Well, made you laugh, right?

0:23:320:23:34

So, if I'm not very much mistaken, it will make the nation laugh too!

0:23:340:23:38

WIND BLOWS

0:23:380:23:40

And that's got to be great publicity for the hotel, so...

0:23:420:23:45

thanks, Prank Patrol!

0:23:450:23:47

Oh, and you get to go on a date with Barney Harwood!

0:23:470:23:51

-Yeah!

-So I think everything's turned out pretty well!

0:23:510:23:54

I know. Isn't it exciting?

0:23:540:23:55

And he's going to...

0:23:550:23:58

Introduce me to loads more celebs who can sign up for my campaign!

0:23:580:24:01

No problem. It's a pleasure, Daisy!

0:24:010:24:03

-I do have one more thing to say to you before we go in.

-What?

0:24:030:24:06

You've been pranked by the Prank Patrol!

0:24:060:24:08

I'm not Barney at all.

0:24:080:24:09

I'm Lenny!

0:24:110:24:12

I don't believe it.

0:24:120:24:14

Barney didn't want to come out on a date with you,

0:24:140:24:17

so he got me involved with the prank! What was your best bit?

0:24:170:24:20

Well, my favourite part must've been...

0:24:200:24:23

when I told you

0:24:230:24:26

that you've been pranked by the Prank Patrol!

0:24:260:24:29

I'm Mrs Poshington!

0:24:320:24:33

Daisy was too worried to come out to the nightclub after all!

0:24:330:24:36

Wow, I don't believe it! It's a good one.

0:24:360:24:41

-You really got me, Mrs P! Anyway, let's party!

-Yeah!

0:24:410:24:44

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:440:24:46

Finally! Some peace! I wonder what that does.

0:25:130:25:19

'Hotel self-destruct, activated...'

0:25:190:25:24

-PHONE RINGS

-'..in five, four, three,

0:25:240:25:27

-'two, one...'

-Hello, Hotel Trubble?

0:25:270:25:30

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:25:470:25:50

E-mail [email protected]

0:25:500:25:52

TV presenter Barney arrives to make a programme about bellboys. Jamie is ecstatic, until he finds out Barney is making a show called Britain's Most Boring Bellboys. Can Jamie prove he is too exciting to be on Barney's hotel-wrecking show?


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