Time Trubble Hotel Trubble


Time Trubble

Children's sitcom. After the Wacky Inventors Convention leave behind a time machine, Jamie finds himself running from the Normans in Ye Olde Hotel Trubble.


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Transcript


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Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

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People trying to have a conversation here!

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And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

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This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's...fiancee.

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And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

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Which just leaves me - Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

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# Hotel Trubble forever

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# It's the pits and we know

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# We're stuck but we love it

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# Hotel Trubble forever

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# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

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# So the hotel survives

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# Trubble, Trubble

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# Keep the hotel alive. #

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-Bye now.

-Come again soon.

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We've really enjoyed your company.

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Thank goodness that bevy of tedious dribblewits is gone.

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I thought they'd never leave.

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That's the last time we host the wacky inventors' trade fair.

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A guy in room 506 told me he invented a time machine!

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Imagine if he had.

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Just think where you could go with all of time as your playground.

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Yeah... I'd zip 30 years forward into the future

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when I'd absolutely definitely be manager of the hotel.

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Why am I still a bellboy?!

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If you work hard for another 30 years,

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you might well be the manager.

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There must be some mistake.

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I should definitely be manager by now.

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HEL-L-LP!

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How about another 30 years?

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Why aren't I the manager?!

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You're fired! And you're dead!

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OUCH!

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I thought they were great. Look what I bought.

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It's a stopped watch.

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Oh, Jamie, I'm not an idiot. Why would I buy a stopped watch?

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It's a watch powered by fear.

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But it isn't working.

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Cos I'm not frightened!

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-Boo!

-TICKING

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I can't believe you were silly enough

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to buy anything so ridiculous from those loonbags

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when you could get your hands on this echo megaphone.

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ECHOING: Hello!

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-HIGH PITCHED:

-Hello.

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Is it meant to make your voice go high pitched?

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ECHOING: Hello!

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Yes?

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I heard you the first time.

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I thought it was...

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Never mind. CRASHING

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I'll clean that up, shall I?

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Hmm... Don't mind me.

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I think you're both idiots. Can't you both see you've been done?!

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-WOMAN:

-You tell them, honey.

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Hang on...who said that?!

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-Said what?

-Nobody appreciates Daisy round here.

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And she's so fabulous!

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What is that?!

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If you must know,

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it's an artificially-intelligent speaking sock puppet.

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Daisy, you call US idiots?!

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You bought a talking computerised sock puppet?!

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I like it and it empowers me with girlish conversation.

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I love your shoes. Where did you get them?

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Just an exclusive, out-of-the-way...charity shop.

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You're so clever to look there. Do they do handbags?

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I'd just love it if they did handbags.

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Hey! We saw that!

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Anyway, we need to get the hotel ready ASAP.

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We have another block booking arriving later today.

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Who is it this time?

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The National Society of Historical Re-enactors.

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The ones that like to dress up

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and pretend they're from different times in history...

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HE SOBS

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BENNY HILL THEME PLAYS

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Why's he shrieking?

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It's nothing.

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Why did you let them back after last year?

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Why?! Why?! Why...

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They weren't that bad.

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How long do we have to do this for?

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They like to do things in real time so probably not long.

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How many years did the Ice Age last?

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Ohh...

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There, there. I know, I know.

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But they book 40 rooms each year. It's good for business.

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What are they re-enacting?

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I don't know yet,

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but if you see anyone dressed in historical costume, be nice.

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Because they're the historical re-enactors.

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Lenny, they won't be actual people from the past.

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OK, let's get to it. Lenny, can you empty the bins in room 311?

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I don't know but I'll try, Jamie.

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Good lad.

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Empty the bins. Come on, you can do this.

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Room 506? What was it Jamie said?

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ECHOING: 'The guy in room 506 even told me he invented a time machine.

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'The guy in room 506 even told me he invented a time machine.'

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Yeah. It's working now. You just have to switch it on here.

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Duh!

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Time machine?! It's about as likely as a watch powered by fear.

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TICKING

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Oh, a watch powered by fear!

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The time machine!

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Wow! It's real.

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The past, the future,

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all the secret wonders of the galaxy are mine to discover.

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HE CACKLES

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Right after I've emptied the bins in room 311.

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LOUD RUMBLING

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Ha-ha!

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I've discovered a whole new wing of my palace which is already enormous.

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Which makes me the best.

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I shall use it as a jail

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for all those ladies that I liked and then went off.

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Which is basically all the ladies!

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HORN BLOWS

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TICKING

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HE LAUGHS

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Ha-ha! Who is this numpty?!

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No... No.

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(Sorry.)

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You must be the new court jester.

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No, I'm not a court jester.

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I am the hotel porter.

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I don't care who you are!

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I can call you Grinnigog The Cat's Uncle, if I want to.

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I am King Henry VIII, by the grace of God,

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King of England, France and Ireland, defender of the faith, supreme head

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of the Church of England, and a jolly good dancer to boot.

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ACCORDION PLAYS

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-Huh? Pretty good.

-Pardon?

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Basically, I own you now.

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You're to do what I say or it's off with your head!

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Well, Jamie's sort of my boss already

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-plus I'm using my head at the minute, so...

-Oh, fine, fine.

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-I understand.

-Oh, phew! Thank goodness.

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-I'm a reasonable man.

-Oh, great.

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If you don't want to be beheaded,

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how do you fancy being burnt at the stake?!

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What can I do for you?

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First task, Grinnigog, get me a feast fit for a king!

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Erm, oh...

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You can order something off our room service menu.

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We've got the...

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Agh!

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Don't try and fob me off

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with some cardboard nonsense I can't understand!

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Get me a proper feast, go on! Do it now! Get it now!

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-I'm going!

-A real massive feast.

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Go on! Get me food! Go on!

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I'm going!

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Agh-ha-ha!

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HE SHOUTS

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Hmm?

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Ooh. Chintzy.

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THEY LAUGH

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-You're so funny.

-No, no.

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You're the one who's funny. I love that joke

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about you stealing an elephant

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and posting the real receptionist to Guatemala!

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No... No, I did actually do that.

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Oh, wow. That must have been so hard for you.

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It was...

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It still is!

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It's so tough keeping Trunky in peanuts and current buns.

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-And then there's the dung.

-Oh...

-So much dung.

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And hosing him down.

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And there's nobody I can talk to and I'm on the run from the police.

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And Sally keeps ringing from Guatemala and threatening revenge.

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PHONE RINGS

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HIGH-PITCHED VOICE TWITTERS

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Yeah, that was her.

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And what did Jamie and Lenny say about all this?

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They must be very understanding.

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Oh, they don't know anything about it.

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I knew it! Typical men.

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They treat you like dirt.

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What do you think I should do?

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You should have some pride.

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Yes.

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You should stand tall.

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Yes!

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-You should shout, "I'm a woman!"

-I am a woman!

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And you should smash that vase.

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-Smash the...?

-Just do it.

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Oh, yeah.

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A-A-ARGH!

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A-a-argh!

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A-a-argh!

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HE SHOUTS AND ROARS

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What is this?

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It's a cheese sandwich.

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I don't know what those words mean!

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Eugh! I hate it.

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-I knew I should have gone with pickle.

-Oh, I'm not nearly full.

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Do you know how much work it takes to maintain this gorgeous frame?

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-No...

-No, you don't! So I'll tell you what I want.

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25 chickens, ten roasted, ten boiled

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and five running around clucking, with their heads still on.

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And two hog roast pigs, called Simon and Richard,

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who knew each other when they were alive.

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Simon and Richard. Right away, your kingliness.

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I despise him. Might chop his head off just for fun.

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Ha-ha!

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This massive biscuit is clearly over-baked.

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Ah, Lenny. Just the man I'm looking for.

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Jamie, I'm a bit busy now so you'll have to...

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There you are.

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I need someone to put all the towels in ascending order of guest size.

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So it goes petite, dinky, diminutive,

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fun-size, short, shortish...

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Right, I'll just get on...

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Average, above average, tallish, tall, lanky, bean pole, giant,

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enormous, gargantuan,...

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-Yes?

-That's it.

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Oh, Jamie, this is going to take me ages.

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I've got to be court jester for Henry VIII,

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who's just turned up in room 506.

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Look, I told you already, it isn't the real Henry VIII.

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It'll be a historical re-enactor.

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That's what I thought

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but it turns out...there's a real time machine in room 506.

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Look, if there's one thing I've learned in all my years

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working as a hotel bell boy, it's that time exists in discreet,

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non-linear blocks which are unimpregnable

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and therefore non-manipulable,

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making the possibility of time travel completely non-existent

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and ultimately untenable.

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Now pass me one of those enormous size towels

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so I can take it up to pretend Henry VIII.

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Actually, better make it gargantuan.

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Eugh...

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The doctor here. Do not eat soap, shampoo, or tissues.

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Now get back to your silly programme.

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Cooey! Cleaner!

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Mary Queen of Yucksville!

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-What sort of horsehide harridan are you?!

-Oh, dear.

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You must be one of those historical re-enactors.

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Mmm.

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-Weren't you Friar Tuck last year?

-You are mistaken, old crone!

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I am Henry, by the grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland,

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defender of the faith, supreme leader of the Church of England

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and a devilishly good juggler.

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ACCORDION PLAYS

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We get all sorts here.

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We once had a man who thought he was a bunch of bananas,

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so nothing surprises me.

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Hmm.

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I quite like this lady, after all.

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She has vim. Methinks I shall make her my wife.

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Your lute, Your Majesty.

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Lovely, crinkly old lady. May I be so bold as to ask your name?

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It's Mrs Poshington.

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Ah, Mrs.

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What a lovely name. Do you know,

0:14:280:14:31

I am an accomplished musician.

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I wrote a song called Greensleeves, for a friend of mine,

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so he could have something to listen to while he sells ice creams.

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-Now, I shall write a song for you!

-Oh, no, I can't stop here.

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I've got toilets to clean.

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The toilets can wait.

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# Hey, nonny-non, Mrs Poshington

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# You're quite the oldest lady I've ever seen... #

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FANCY LUTE SOLO

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# Most of the women I know barely make it to 30 - or 35.

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# How come you're so old and still alive?

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# And you don't have black teeth like mine?

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INSECT BUZZING

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Oh, Henry. I think I may have misjudged you.

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(Works every time.)

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Hello?

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There's nobody here.

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FANTASY MUSIC

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It's not a time machine. It's a door. Puh.

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Hmm.

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FUTURISTIC DRONE

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Argh!

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Urgh!

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The Normans are coming! Run!

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But hang on! What time is it?

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3.15 on Thursday, 26 April, the Year of Our Lord, 1066.

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-Very informative.

-You look like you need to know.

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Now, run! William the Conqueror will be here any minute!

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-Is this Hotel Trubble?

-No, this is Ye Olde Hotel Trubble.

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Of course! I've travelled back in time.

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What's William the Conqueror doing at Ye Olde Hotel Trubble?

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-Weekend mini-break? It's hard for him to unwind.

-Argh!

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Run!

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Argh! They're coming!!

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Run!!

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Ah! Ah! The towel. Put the towel on your head!

0:16:460:16:52

VOICE ON TV

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Pfft! Pfft!

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Pfft! Oh!

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Don't get me wrong.

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-I love you, but your cooking is awful!

-You are eating potpourri.

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As you've made it with your own crumbly hand,

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I shall force it down! Ha!

0:17:170:17:19

Mmm!

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Delicious.

0:17:210:17:22

Do not eat potpourri. It's really bad for you.

0:17:220:17:26

I'm so glad you've agreed to marry me.

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You're not put off by the whole six wives, and two having been,

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-you know, beheaded?

-No-ho-ho!

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I've had eight husbands

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and they all died in suspicious circumstances.

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In that case, I'll see you here at six of the clock.

0:17:420:17:45

Six of the clock. Perfect. Toodle-pip!

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Pfft! Pfft!

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Do not eat remote controls or other household items.

0:17:590:18:02

I told you before.

0:18:020:18:03

Now, then, are you dinky or petite?

0:18:050:18:08

That's a pretty one.

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Oh!! Oh, Mrs P!

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What? Oh, sorry, Lenny.

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I've got a wedding to organise.

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Whoops! Excuse me!

0:18:230:18:25

-Hey, you must...

-How dare you disturb the King of All England?!

0:18:250:18:29

The what of all what what?

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I am Henry, by the grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland,

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Defender of the Faith, Supreme Head of the Church of England...

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And I am Dolly, girlfriend of Mr Trubble -

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the proprietor of this hotel and many others

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in the exclusive Hotel Trubble chain.

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I am the Maker of the Breakfasts and the former Miss Midlands, 1989.

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Hmm. I quite like this lady, too. She has brio.

0:18:550:18:59

She is also ancient, but only half as ancient as the other one.

0:18:590:19:03

Methinks I might make her my wife. Dolly Girlfriend,

0:19:030:19:06

I am a very accomplished musician. Do you know Greensleeves?

0:19:060:19:10

No, I stopped listening to pop music when the Spice Girls split up.

0:19:100:19:15

Never mind, I shall play a song I've written especially for you.

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FANCY LUTE INTRO

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# Dolly, hey, nonny-nonny

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# You remind me of my second wife Anne Boleyn

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# Although you have a much goofier grin

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# And a less execution-justifying personality... #

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Henry.

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You are twice the man Trubbley-Wubbley is.

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-Do you want to get married?

-Yes! He's dead to me now!

-Tonight.

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-Six of the clock.

-Six of the clock is fine by me!

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-I'll just go and get changed!

-Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

0:19:470:19:51

You are a most excellent wingman.

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PLAYS LUTE CHORDS

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We have to show Jamie and Lenny

0:19:560:19:59

-that we won't let them walk on us any more.

-But they don't.

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-They're men, aren't they?

-What's your problem with men?

-My father.

0:20:030:20:08

-Your father?

-Yes, he hated me.

0:20:080:20:11

He always wanted a string puppet. A sock puppet wasn't good enough.

0:20:110:20:16

-No, that's not true, Samantha.

-Who said that?

0:20:170:20:21

It was me.

0:20:210:20:22

-Daddy!

-Help.

0:20:240:20:25

Jamie, where are you?

0:20:250:20:28

SHOUTING AND METALLIC CLASHING

0:20:300:20:33

HORSES NEIGH

0:20:330:20:37

Ooh. Love the smell of towels in the morning.

0:20:410:20:44

HORSE NEIGHS

0:20:440:20:46

But why didn't you ever show me any affection?

0:20:460:20:49

Will you two get off my hands.

0:20:490:20:51

-I'm sorry if I hurt you, Samantha.

-I love you, Daddy.

0:20:510:20:55

There's someone coming.

0:20:550:20:58

Can I help you?

0:20:590:21:00

This maiden is thrice as lovely as the other two.

0:21:000:21:03

-Eh?

-Forgive me. I think I love you!

0:21:030:21:07

# You're the youngest one I've met so far

0:21:090:21:11

# Your lovely lady looks have really raised the bar

0:21:110:21:16

# If you marry me I'm not promising anything

0:21:160:21:18

# But you might get your own hat

0:21:180:21:21

# And you might even get to keep your own head

0:21:220:21:25

# To wear it on! Terms and conditions apply. #

0:21:250:21:28

-You're amazing!

-Thank you. Would you like to...?

0:21:280:21:31

Get married? Yes! When?

0:21:310:21:33

-Six of the clock.

-"Six of the clock." How romantic.

0:21:330:21:37

I'll go and get changed!

0:21:370:21:39

SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

0:21:400:21:41

SHE SIGHS

0:21:460:21:47

This is almost too easy. He-he.

0:21:480:21:52

SHOUTING AND METALLIC CLASHING

0:21:520:21:55

Argh!

0:22:020:22:03

Hi, there.

0:22:040:22:05

Welcome to the Year 8000.

0:22:050:22:07

I'm Daisy, this is Jamie...

0:22:070:22:10

Hello!

0:22:100:22:11

-..and this is Lenny.

-Hello.

0:22:110:22:13

I've gone too far forward.

0:22:130:22:16

I've got to get back. Just going to get back.

0:22:170:22:21

# There may be trouble ahead... #

0:22:230:22:25

We're engaged!

0:22:270:22:28

-So are we!

-So are we.

0:22:280:22:30

Don't you try and ruin Daisy's one chance of happiness.

0:22:300:22:34

What is THAT?

0:22:340:22:36

-Shut up, Antiques Roadshow.

-How dare you?!

0:22:360:22:39

Ladies, calm down. There's only one civilised way to settle this.

0:22:390:22:43

-Yes, what?

-A massive catfight!

0:22:430:22:47

# Na-na-na-na, na, na, na

0:22:470:22:49

# I want to start a fight

0:22:490:22:51

# Na-na-na-na, na, na, na # I want to start a fight. #

0:22:510:22:53

You were right, Lenny. It is a time machine.

0:23:040:23:07

I told you that.

0:23:070:23:09

Wha! Jamie! What a spread!

0:23:100:23:13

Much better than last year.

0:23:130:23:15

And who is this adorable character actor?

0:23:150:23:18

Looks just like the real thing.

0:23:180:23:20

-What a pity we are doing The Victorians this year.

-Hold on!

0:23:200:23:24

If he's not an historical re-enactor...

0:23:240:23:28

-..then he must be...

-ALL: The real Henry the Eighth!

0:23:280:23:32

Ah!

0:23:330:23:35

My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen!

0:23:350:23:37

Thank you so much for coming to my weddings.

0:23:370:23:41

I think I can safely say

0:23:410:23:43

that I will never meet a woman I like better

0:23:430:23:47

than these three women I'm about to marry.

0:23:470:23:50

And that is a promise!

0:23:500:23:52

PUPPET: He's full of hot air!

0:23:520:23:54

-Who said that?

-I did.

0:23:540:23:56

-And there's a lot more where that came from.

-He-he!

0:23:560:24:00

What an amazing, sassy, tubular woman.

0:24:000:24:03

I think I shall marry you.

0:24:030:24:05

Trouble is, I've already agreed to marry these three. Hmm...

0:24:050:24:09

I need your help. Would you please behead these three women?

0:24:100:24:14

OK, if I must.

0:24:140:24:15

No, what?

0:24:150:24:16

Take them to the Tower!

0:24:160:24:18

But...we don't have a tower.

0:24:180:24:20

Take them...to the TV room.

0:24:220:24:24

Hurray! What fun!

0:24:240:24:26

How are you doing?

0:24:260:24:28

Oh, Henry!

0:24:290:24:30

Don't worry, I've got a plan.

0:24:340:24:36

Lenny, you've come to rescue us!

0:24:360:24:39

Well, not quite. But I thought of this.

0:24:390:24:42

Take your minds off the beheadings.

0:24:420:24:45

Ahem... # Doe...ray...

0:24:460:24:48

# Meat...farm...

0:24:480:24:49

# Snow...lah...cheese...

0:24:490:24:54

-# Doe. #

-Lenny? Lenny?

0:24:540:24:57

-Be careful with it.

-We'll just take that for you.

0:24:570:25:01

-Thank you.

-Careful.

0:25:010:25:02

CRASH!

0:25:020:25:05

Jamie, do something!

0:25:050:25:08

Erm... Eh...

0:25:080:25:10

Ho! Of course. That's it!

0:25:100:25:14

-I knew you'd think of something.

-OK, guys, history in the making.

0:25:140:25:20

Everyone, follow me to the beheading chamber.

0:25:200:25:23

What?!! That's not what I meant!

0:25:230:25:26

This way, everybody. That's it. You'll absolutely love it in there.

0:25:260:25:30

-You say it.

-You say it.

0:25:300:25:33

-I can't.

-Say it, Henry! Tell her you love her.

0:25:330:25:36

-In all the heavens...

-You'd better treat her well.

0:25:360:25:39

Come on, come on. Through there.

0:25:390:25:41

Through here. Yep.

0:25:410:25:44

Hmm? This isn't the beheading chamber.

0:25:480:25:51

Hi, there. Welcome to the year 8000.

0:25:510:25:54

-I'm Daisy, this is Jamie...

-Hello.

0:25:540:25:57

Argh!

0:25:570:25:59

Argh!! Argh!! Argh!!

0:26:090:26:12

That's it, Lenny. Destroy that time machine.

0:26:140:26:17

MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

0:26:170:26:20

# If you like to gamble I tell you I'm your man

0:26:230:26:27

# You win some, lose some It's all the same to me. #

0:26:270:26:30

And as for you lot,

0:26:340:26:36

-I don't know what you were all thinking.

-You did tell us be nice

0:26:360:26:40

-to anyone in costume.

-Nice? You were about to marry Henry VIII!

0:26:400:26:46

ALL: Sorry, Jamie.

0:26:460:26:48

-And what if you had gone through with it?

-We'd be Queen,

0:26:480:26:52

with access to untold riches.

0:26:520:26:55

What?! All of you?!

0:26:550:26:57

I'm sure we would have worked out some sort of timeshare scheme.

0:26:570:27:02

Women are practical like that, Jamie.

0:27:020:27:04

That's true.

0:27:040:27:05

PHONE RINGS

0:27:050:27:08

Let's just hope that isn't the rest of the historical re-enactors,

0:27:080:27:12

phoning to find out where their friends are.

0:27:120:27:16

Hello? Hotel Trubble.

0:27:170:27:19

PHONE VOICE SPEAKS AT 100 MPH

0:27:190:27:22

(It's them.)

0:27:220:27:24

# Hotel Trubble forever

0:27:250:27:28

# It's the pits and we know

0:27:280:27:30

# We're stuck but we love it

0:27:300:27:33

# Hotel Trubble forever

0:27:330:27:35

# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

0:27:350:27:38

# So the hotel survives

0:27:380:27:41

# Trubble, Trubble

0:27:410:27:42

# Keep the hotel alive. #

0:27:420:27:44

After the Wacky Inventors Convention leave behind a time machine, Jamie finds himself running from the Normans in Ye Olde Hotel Trubble. In the modern-day hotel, Henry VIII is on the prowl for another wife, or three, to add to his collection.


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