Time Trubble Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People trying to have a conversation here!

And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's...fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me - Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

-Bye now.

-Come again soon.

We've really enjoyed your company.

Thank goodness that bevy of tedious dribblewits is gone.

I thought they'd never leave.

That's the last time we host the wacky inventors' trade fair.

A guy in room 506 told me he invented a time machine!

Imagine if he had.

Just think where you could go with all of time as your playground.

Yeah... I'd zip 30 years forward into the future

when I'd absolutely definitely be manager of the hotel.

Why am I still a bellboy?!

If you work hard for another 30 years,

you might well be the manager.

There must be some mistake.

I should definitely be manager by now.

HEL-L-LP!

How about another 30 years?

Why aren't I the manager?!

You're fired! And you're dead!

OUCH!

I thought they were great. Look what I bought.

It's a stopped watch.

Oh, Jamie, I'm not an idiot. Why would I buy a stopped watch?

It's a watch powered by fear.

But it isn't working.

Cos I'm not frightened!

-Boo!

-TICKING

I can't believe you were silly enough

to buy anything so ridiculous from those loonbags

when you could get your hands on this echo megaphone.

ECHOING: Hello!

-HIGH PITCHED:

-Hello.

Is it meant to make your voice go high pitched?

ECHOING: Hello!

Yes?

I heard you the first time.

I thought it was...

Never mind. CRASHING

I'll clean that up, shall I?

Hmm... Don't mind me.

I think you're both idiots. Can't you both see you've been done?!

-WOMAN:

-You tell them, honey.

Hang on...who said that?!

-Said what?

-Nobody appreciates Daisy round here.

And she's so fabulous!

What is that?!

If you must know,

it's an artificially-intelligent speaking sock puppet.

Daisy, you call US idiots?!

You bought a talking computerised sock puppet?!

I like it and it empowers me with girlish conversation.

I love your shoes. Where did you get them?

Just an exclusive, out-of-the-way...charity shop.

You're so clever to look there. Do they do handbags?

I'd just love it if they did handbags.

Hey! We saw that!

Anyway, we need to get the hotel ready ASAP.

We have another block booking arriving later today.

Who is it this time?

The National Society of Historical Re-enactors.

The ones that like to dress up

and pretend they're from different times in history...

HE SOBS

BENNY HILL THEME PLAYS

Why's he shrieking?

It's nothing.

Why did you let them back after last year?

Why?! Why?! Why...

They weren't that bad.

How long do we have to do this for?

They like to do things in real time so probably not long.

How many years did the Ice Age last?

Ohh...

There, there. I know, I know.

But they book 40 rooms each year. It's good for business.

What are they re-enacting?

I don't know yet,

but if you see anyone dressed in historical costume, be nice.

Because they're the historical re-enactors.

Lenny, they won't be actual people from the past.

OK, let's get to it. Lenny, can you empty the bins in room 311?

I don't know but I'll try, Jamie.

Good lad.

Empty the bins. Come on, you can do this.

Room 506? What was it Jamie said?

ECHOING: 'The guy in room 506 even told me he invented a time machine.

'The guy in room 506 even told me he invented a time machine.'

Yeah. It's working now. You just have to switch it on here.

Duh!

Time machine?! It's about as likely as a watch powered by fear.

TICKING

Oh, a watch powered by fear!

The time machine!

Wow! It's real.

The past, the future,

all the secret wonders of the galaxy are mine to discover.

HE CACKLES

Right after I've emptied the bins in room 311.

LOUD RUMBLING

Ha-ha!

I've discovered a whole new wing of my palace which is already enormous.

Which makes me the best.

I shall use it as a jail

for all those ladies that I liked and then went off.

Which is basically all the ladies!

HORN BLOWS

TICKING

HE LAUGHS

Ha-ha! Who is this numpty?!

No... No.

(Sorry.)

You must be the new court jester.

No, I'm not a court jester.

I am the hotel porter.

I don't care who you are!

I can call you Grinnigog The Cat's Uncle, if I want to.

I am King Henry VIII, by the grace of God,

King of England, France and Ireland, defender of the faith, supreme head

of the Church of England, and a jolly good dancer to boot.

ACCORDION PLAYS

-Huh? Pretty good.

-Pardon?

Basically, I own you now.

You're to do what I say or it's off with your head!

Well, Jamie's sort of my boss already

-plus I'm using my head at the minute, so...

-Oh, fine, fine.

-I understand.

-Oh, phew! Thank goodness.

-I'm a reasonable man.

-Oh, great.

If you don't want to be beheaded,

how do you fancy being burnt at the stake?!

What can I do for you?

First task, Grinnigog, get me a feast fit for a king!

Erm, oh...

You can order something off our room service menu.

We've got the...

Agh!

Don't try and fob me off

with some cardboard nonsense I can't understand!

Get me a proper feast, go on! Do it now! Get it now!

-I'm going!

-A real massive feast.

Go on! Get me food! Go on!

I'm going!

Agh-ha-ha!

HE SHOUTS

Hmm?

Ooh. Chintzy.

THEY LAUGH

-You're so funny.

-No, no.

You're the one who's funny. I love that joke

about you stealing an elephant

and posting the real receptionist to Guatemala!

No... No, I did actually do that.

Oh, wow. That must have been so hard for you.

It was...

It still is!

It's so tough keeping Trunky in peanuts and current buns.

-And then there's the dung.

-Oh...

-So much dung.

And hosing him down.

And there's nobody I can talk to and I'm on the run from the police.

And Sally keeps ringing from Guatemala and threatening revenge.

PHONE RINGS

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE TWITTERS

Yeah, that was her.

And what did Jamie and Lenny say about all this?

They must be very understanding.

Oh, they don't know anything about it.

I knew it! Typical men.

They treat you like dirt.

What do you think I should do?

You should have some pride.

Yes.

You should stand tall.

Yes!

-You should shout, "I'm a woman!"

-I am a woman!

And you should smash that vase.

-Smash the...?

-Just do it.

Oh, yeah.

A-A-ARGH!

A-a-argh!

A-a-argh!

HE SHOUTS AND ROARS

What is this?

It's a cheese sandwich.

I don't know what those words mean!

Eugh! I hate it.

-I knew I should have gone with pickle.

-Oh, I'm not nearly full.

Do you know how much work it takes to maintain this gorgeous frame?

-No...

-No, you don't! So I'll tell you what I want.

25 chickens, ten roasted, ten boiled

and five running around clucking, with their heads still on.

And two hog roast pigs, called Simon and Richard,

who knew each other when they were alive.

Simon and Richard. Right away, your kingliness.

I despise him. Might chop his head off just for fun.

Ha-ha!

This massive biscuit is clearly over-baked.

Ah, Lenny. Just the man I'm looking for.

Jamie, I'm a bit busy now so you'll have to...

There you are.

I need someone to put all the towels in ascending order of guest size.

So it goes petite, dinky, diminutive,

fun-size, short, shortish...

Right, I'll just get on...

Average, above average, tallish, tall, lanky, bean pole, giant,

enormous, gargantuan,...

-Yes?

-That's it.

Oh, Jamie, this is going to take me ages.

I've got to be court jester for Henry VIII,

who's just turned up in room 506.

Look, I told you already, it isn't the real Henry VIII.

It'll be a historical re-enactor.

That's what I thought

but it turns out...there's a real time machine in room 506.

Look, if there's one thing I've learned in all my years

working as a hotel bell boy, it's that time exists in discreet,

non-linear blocks which are unimpregnable

and therefore non-manipulable,

making the possibility of time travel completely non-existent

and ultimately untenable.

Now pass me one of those enormous size towels

so I can take it up to pretend Henry VIII.

Actually, better make it gargantuan.

Eugh...

The doctor here. Do not eat soap, shampoo, or tissues.

Now get back to your silly programme.

Cooey! Cleaner!

Mary Queen of Yucksville!

-What sort of horsehide harridan are you?!

-Oh, dear.

You must be one of those historical re-enactors.

Mmm.

-Weren't you Friar Tuck last year?

-You are mistaken, old crone!

I am Henry, by the grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland,

defender of the faith, supreme leader of the Church of England

and a devilishly good juggler.

ACCORDION PLAYS

We get all sorts here.

We once had a man who thought he was a bunch of bananas,

so nothing surprises me.

Hmm.

I quite like this lady, after all.

She has vim. Methinks I shall make her my wife.

Your lute, Your Majesty.

Lovely, crinkly old lady. May I be so bold as to ask your name?

It's Mrs Poshington.

Ah, Mrs.

What a lovely name. Do you know,

I am an accomplished musician.

I wrote a song called Greensleeves, for a friend of mine,

so he could have something to listen to while he sells ice creams.

-Now, I shall write a song for you!

-Oh, no, I can't stop here.

I've got toilets to clean.

The toilets can wait.

# Hey, nonny-non, Mrs Poshington

# You're quite the oldest lady I've ever seen... #

FANCY LUTE SOLO

# Most of the women I know barely make it to 30 - or 35.

# How come you're so old and still alive?

# And you don't have black teeth like mine?

INSECT BUZZING

Oh, Henry. I think I may have misjudged you.

(Works every time.)

Hello?

There's nobody here.

FANTASY MUSIC

It's not a time machine. It's a door. Puh.

Hmm.

FUTURISTIC DRONE

Argh!

Urgh!

The Normans are coming! Run!

But hang on! What time is it?

3.15 on Thursday, 26 April, the Year of Our Lord, 1066.

-Very informative.

-You look like you need to know.

Now, run! William the Conqueror will be here any minute!

-Is this Hotel Trubble?

-No, this is Ye Olde Hotel Trubble.

Of course! I've travelled back in time.

What's William the Conqueror doing at Ye Olde Hotel Trubble?

-Weekend mini-break? It's hard for him to unwind.

-Argh!

Run!

Argh! They're coming!!

Run!!

Ah! Ah! The towel. Put the towel on your head!

VOICE ON TV

Pfft! Pfft!

Pfft! Oh!

Don't get me wrong.

-I love you, but your cooking is awful!

-You are eating potpourri.

As you've made it with your own crumbly hand,

I shall force it down! Ha!

Mmm!

Delicious.

Do not eat potpourri. It's really bad for you.

I'm so glad you've agreed to marry me.

You're not put off by the whole six wives, and two having been,

-you know, beheaded?

-No-ho-ho!

I've had eight husbands

and they all died in suspicious circumstances.

In that case, I'll see you here at six of the clock.

Six of the clock. Perfect. Toodle-pip!

Pfft! Pfft!

Do not eat remote controls or other household items.

I told you before.

Now, then, are you dinky or petite?

That's a pretty one.

Oh!! Oh, Mrs P!

What? Oh, sorry, Lenny.

I've got a wedding to organise.

Whoops! Excuse me!

-Hey, you must...

-How dare you disturb the King of All England?!

The what of all what what?

I am Henry, by the grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland,

Defender of the Faith, Supreme Head of the Church of England...

And I am Dolly, girlfriend of Mr Trubble -

the proprietor of this hotel and many others

in the exclusive Hotel Trubble chain.

I am the Maker of the Breakfasts and the former Miss Midlands, 1989.

Hmm. I quite like this lady, too. She has brio.

She is also ancient, but only half as ancient as the other one.

Methinks I might make her my wife. Dolly Girlfriend,

I am a very accomplished musician. Do you know Greensleeves?

No, I stopped listening to pop music when the Spice Girls split up.

Never mind, I shall play a song I've written especially for you.

FANCY LUTE INTRO

# Dolly, hey, nonny-nonny

# You remind me of my second wife Anne Boleyn

# Although you have a much goofier grin

# And a less execution-justifying personality... #

Henry.

You are twice the man Trubbley-Wubbley is.

-Do you want to get married?

-Yes! He's dead to me now!

-Tonight.

-Six of the clock.

-Six of the clock is fine by me!

-I'll just go and get changed!

-Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

You are a most excellent wingman.

PLAYS LUTE CHORDS

We have to show Jamie and Lenny

-that we won't let them walk on us any more.

-But they don't.

-They're men, aren't they?

-What's your problem with men?

-My father.

-Your father?

-Yes, he hated me.

He always wanted a string puppet. A sock puppet wasn't good enough.

-No, that's not true, Samantha.

-Who said that?

It was me.

-Daddy!

-Help.

Jamie, where are you?

SHOUTING AND METALLIC CLASHING

HORSES NEIGH

Ooh. Love the smell of towels in the morning.

HORSE NEIGHS

But why didn't you ever show me any affection?

Will you two get off my hands.

-I'm sorry if I hurt you, Samantha.

-I love you, Daddy.

There's someone coming.

Can I help you?

This maiden is thrice as lovely as the other two.

-Eh?

-Forgive me. I think I love you!

# You're the youngest one I've met so far

# Your lovely lady looks have really raised the bar

# If you marry me I'm not promising anything

# But you might get your own hat

# And you might even get to keep your own head

# To wear it on! Terms and conditions apply. #

-You're amazing!

-Thank you. Would you like to...?

Get married? Yes! When?

-Six of the clock.

-"Six of the clock." How romantic.

I'll go and get changed!

SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

SHE SIGHS

This is almost too easy. He-he.

SHOUTING AND METALLIC CLASHING

Argh!

Hi, there.

Welcome to the Year 8000.

I'm Daisy, this is Jamie...

Hello!

-..and this is Lenny.

-Hello.

I've gone too far forward.

I've got to get back. Just going to get back.

# There may be trouble ahead... #

We're engaged!

-So are we!

-So are we.

Don't you try and ruin Daisy's one chance of happiness.

What is THAT?

-Shut up, Antiques Roadshow.

-How dare you?!

Ladies, calm down. There's only one civilised way to settle this.

-Yes, what?

-A massive catfight!

# Na-na-na-na, na, na, na

# I want to start a fight

# Na-na-na-na, na, na, na # I want to start a fight. #

You were right, Lenny. It is a time machine.

I told you that.

Wha! Jamie! What a spread!

Much better than last year.

And who is this adorable character actor?

Looks just like the real thing.

-What a pity we are doing The Victorians this year.

-Hold on!

If he's not an historical re-enactor...

-..then he must be...

-ALL: The real Henry the Eighth!

Ah!

My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Thank you so much for coming to my weddings.

I think I can safely say

that I will never meet a woman I like better

than these three women I'm about to marry.

And that is a promise!

PUPPET: He's full of hot air!

-Who said that?

-I did.

-And there's a lot more where that came from.

-He-he!

What an amazing, sassy, tubular woman.

I think I shall marry you.

Trouble is, I've already agreed to marry these three. Hmm...

I need your help. Would you please behead these three women?

OK, if I must.

No, what?

Take them to the Tower!

But...we don't have a tower.

Take them...to the TV room.

Hurray! What fun!

How are you doing?

Oh, Henry!

Don't worry, I've got a plan.

Lenny, you've come to rescue us!

Well, not quite. But I thought of this.

Take your minds off the beheadings.

Ahem... # Doe...ray...

# Meat...farm...

# Snow...lah...cheese...

-# Doe. #

-Lenny? Lenny?

-Be careful with it.

-We'll just take that for you.

-Thank you.

-Careful.

CRASH!

Jamie, do something!

Erm... Eh...

Ho! Of course. That's it!

-I knew you'd think of something.

-OK, guys, history in the making.

Everyone, follow me to the beheading chamber.

What?!! That's not what I meant!

This way, everybody. That's it. You'll absolutely love it in there.

-You say it.

-You say it.

-I can't.

-Say it, Henry! Tell her you love her.

-In all the heavens...

-You'd better treat her well.

Come on, come on. Through there.

Through here. Yep.

Hmm? This isn't the beheading chamber.

Hi, there. Welcome to the year 8000.

-I'm Daisy, this is Jamie...

-Hello.

Argh!

Argh!! Argh!! Argh!!

That's it, Lenny. Destroy that time machine.

MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

# If you like to gamble I tell you I'm your man

# You win some, lose some It's all the same to me. #

And as for you lot,

-I don't know what you were all thinking.

-You did tell us be nice

-to anyone in costume.

-Nice? You were about to marry Henry VIII!

ALL: Sorry, Jamie.

-And what if you had gone through with it?

-We'd be Queen,

with access to untold riches.

What?! All of you?!

I'm sure we would have worked out some sort of timeshare scheme.

Women are practical like that, Jamie.

That's true.

PHONE RINGS

Let's just hope that isn't the rest of the historical re-enactors,

phoning to find out where their friends are.

Hello? Hotel Trubble.

PHONE VOICE SPEAKS AT 100 MPH

(It's them.)

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #