The Back of the Sofa Hounded

(GENTLE MUSIC)

You tickle it. I'll hit it with the hammer.

(SNORES)

(DISCORDANT MUSIC)

That's me - Rufus Hound.

I'm a television presenter...

..and every day I save the world.

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

...and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up

with some new plan to conquer us, and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

(FAST REWIND)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(DISCORDANT MUSIC) Not again!

Whoa!

Right, off to my first day at work...

again.

So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning.

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up, and it'll be tomorrow.

(BIRD CAWS)

Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

(OINKING)

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

Yes, but there was an "R" in the month, so it doesn't count.

Well, come on then, we haven't got all day.

(BLEATING)

(BEEPING)

-(IRISH ACCENT)

-Is that a good beep or a bad beep?

-(IRISH ACCENT)

-That is a good beep, and I'll tell you why.

I have just successfully downloaded details of Dr Mu's latest evil plan.

-Check me out!

-(GIGGLES)

(BEEPING)

What?

I thought you said it was a good beep.

It is. Just...

From the looks of things here,

the screen's telling me he's just ordered

several hundred million portals from evil-Bay.

Oh, no!

Well, at least he didn't buy a Mega-Galactic...

Mega-Galactic Space Vacuum also.

Ah!

-Earth's really in trouble.

-Earth's not the only one.

(FAST BEEP)

Bad beep?

Bad beep. Something's found us.

Time to cut and run. Going to light speed.

In...three...two...one.

-COMPUTER:

-Confirmation. The knitters' ship has escaped.

Well?

The knitters have downloaded the plan,

but they don't know the location of the central suction device.

No, I meant, well, have you found my pen yet?

Oh.

Here.

So, let's just go over all this again.

We've installed invisible portals down the back of all sofas on Earth.

Yes.

Say "check". Every evil leader's minion should say "check".

Check.

(EVIL LAUGH)

And they're connected up to a central suction device?

Check.

Muhahaha!

And the space vacuum is currently evilly sucking people

down the backs of their sofas,

off the face of planet Earth and into its holding chamber?

Not quite.

Excellent. What?

I'm running low suction tests at the moment.

Keys, fluff, don't want to overload the capacity.

What? Tests?

Boring! Boring, Steve.

In that case, I'll give it half a tick.

And a little laugh. Ha ha!

But initial testing has produced results.

-Ah!

-Sofa portals are fully operational.

The contents of Mr Frederick Needham's sofa.

21 Pulparry Avenue, London.

(JINGLING)

Excellent!

Not only am I sucking the entirety of Earth's population

down the backs of their sofas,

but I'm also going to get to keep all their loose change as well.

Muhahaha!

A-hem.

How long until we can move up to...people?

I just need to recalibrate the extraction filter,

isolate the degigfleischter, then the klein particles...

In English?

About ten minutes.

Excellent.

And finally...

we're out of cheese.

Oh, sorry! That's a different list.

-MAN:

-30 seconds to show time.

So what's this experiment?

It uses this. It's a key finder.

So all you have to do is attach this to your keys

and if you lose them, all you have to do is whistle,

and then it will beep to tell you where they are.

Could have done with that this morning.

-Oh, yeah?

-My bus pass has just disappeared.

-You looked down the back of the sofa?

-Yeah, nothing.

-So you just whistle?

-Mm.

Wait!

(WHISTLES)

-(LOUD SIREN) MAN:

-10 seconds.

(SHOUTING) How do you turn it off?

-MAN:

-And in 5...4...3...

-How do you turn it off though?

-It's on. How do you turn it...? MAN:

-...on air.

Hello and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics...

..the mystery into chemistry...

..and the "Oh, gee" into biology.

Kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Roger Hound.

Rufus Hound. My name is Rufus. We've literally...

Hi! I'm Rufus Hound. Today we're going to...

'And just as I'm getting going,

'my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.'

RUFUS ON TV: ..turning your house upside down and hoping for the best,

but not any more.

Now if you can whistle, you can find your...keys,

or, alternatively, just explode through all of time and space.

Ah!

Rudolf?

-MAN:

-Sorry, we have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.

RUFUS: 'So now I'm off to meet my future self

'so he can send me on some hare-brained mission.'

(PFFT!)

-Oh...

-You disgust me.

You are me. Did you do this?

No.

Well, if you didn't, who did then?

I can't tell you.

What? Because the future of mankind depends on me

saving the whole world in double-quick time?

No! Because I've got a pizza in the microwave.

-(PING!)

-Ah, time to go.

-Take this.

-Not another one.

-It's a key finder.

-Yeah, I know.

-And what you do is...

-Yeah, don't.

-...whistle like this.

-No... no!

(LOUD SIREN)

We've lost them...at least for now.

Intruder!

Stop or we'll use our knit rays.

No, don't...! Knit rays?

(LAUGHING) What are they going to do?!

Oh, I see.

So where am I?

Before we tell you where you are,

you tell us who or what you are

and how and why you're on this ship.

Ah! Um...

He's refusing to talk. What shall I say?

Pretty please?

Pretty please!

Um...I'm Rufus Hound, from the telly.

On Earth?

From Earth, you say?

Well!

You're a friend. You shouldn't be tied up.

Are you sure about that?

-Here we are, sir.

-Oh, fine.

There we are.

Welcome to Starsheep Enterprise,

the greatest wool ship in all the yarn fleet.

Well, the only wool ship in the yarn fleet.

Till Mu's scissor ships have done with us.

But, hey, let's not talk about that now.

I'm Captain Gelina.

This is Corporal Buck.

We're freedom fighters.

Fighting for...

freedom, from Dr Mu.

It's a job we're not going to have in, what, let me think...

about nine minutes.

What? Why?

Mu's planning to take control of the whole of the Earth.

Once the last free planet is under his control,

there'll be no chance of anyone in the multiverse getting free.

Don't worry. We'll stop him.

Are you joking me?

We can't do that. His plan is ingenious.

He has hidden portals down the back of every sofa on Earth

and connected them to huge mega- galactic suction devices in space.

In about 8 minutes, 45 seconds Mu's going to crank up the power,

then every human on Earth will be sucked down the back of the sofa.

So this big suction device is basically a big vacuum cleaner?

A vacuum...

Yes, a vacuum cleaner, Buck.

You use it to clean up. At least, everyone else does.

-Clean up?

-Oh, would you go on, please, Rufus?

Yeah, well, if it's like a big vacuum cleaner,

we just block it up, stop it from sucking.

Right! That's an excellent idea.

Let's think. What would block a giant space vacuum?

-A giant hamster!

-No.

Might be a bit cruel.

The last one died in 1998.

I'm all right.

I've got it! The perfect thing!

This is a wool ship, right? You can knit anything you like.

Right. As long as we've got enough wool.

Well, get ready.

Cos we're going to need a lot of wool.

Who's he talking to?

Muhahaha!

-Don't!

-But it's so cool!

In...?

7 minutes, 13 seconds...

..time, all of the pathetic Earthlings will be my prisoners,

and Earth will be my personal playground.

I shall use the Eiffel Tower as a... a climbing frame,

the pyramids as climbing frames

and Big Ben as a...

-(LAUGHING)

-..climbing frame.

Have you thought this through?

No. Hang on!

Yeah! The point is that when I rule the multiverse,

I'll be able to do whatever I want!

I'll just have to think about what that actually is later.

Just put it on the list.

Will do. Just after "Take Hannah Montana film back to DVD shop."

Must remember to do that. Don't want another fine like last time.

Very evil.

Nothing can stop me now.

Except Rufus Hound.

Oh, yes. Hound! What has that man got against me?

You're an evil genius who keeps trying to take over his planet?

But underneath that, I'm a really nice person.

No, you're not.

Oh, fair enough.

Find out where that hairy do-gooder Hound is, would you?

Rufometer showing he's on Sigma Quadrant.

Hang on! I just saw something on the news.

'Hello and welcome to Sigma Quadrant local news.

'If it matters to you, it matters to us.'

So, today we're coming to you

from local beauty spot the Planet of the Sheep...

Hound!

'Next a story about sponsored walks. They're boring.'

(BLEATING)

Rufus!

Are you sure this is going to work?

Oh, yes, we're yarn fleet, that's what we do.

We're right over the biggest flock.

We just need to engage the shearing beam and get knitting.

-(SHOUTING)

-It's a big one!

If I could have some help back here?

I think that had better be you.

-Grand! You can fly the ship, then.

-What?

You've flown a spaceship before, haven't you?

-I've flown a kite.

-Well, it's this or the knitting.

Give me those controls.

Right.

Pedals...sticks.

Whoa!

This sounds odd, but I might just be starting to get the hang of this.

Two pedals, two joysticks, about...1,500 buttons.

What could possibly go wrong?

(BLEATING)

Ah... Sorry!

It's not that button, Rufus. It's the other one for the shearing ray.

Easy!

Is this really going to defeat Dr Mu?

Don't you worry. We're going to sock it to him!

And...knit!

Cast on!

Purl!

-And knit.

-And purl.

-And knit.

-And purl.

-And knit.

-And purl.

'Wacky locals seem to be attempting to break a universe record

'for knitting the largest sock ever.'

(TALKS IN DIALECT)

-MAN TRANSLATES:

-'I spoke to them earlier.

'They said they were knitting a huge sock.'

Why does he need a giant sock?

Patch me through, would you?

-And knit.

-And purl.

-And purl.

-And knit.

-And purl.

-And knit.

-And purl, and purl.

-(SHOUTING)

-Hold her steady!

I'm trying, but there's a field full of nervous vegetarians down there.

Ah! Rufus Hound.

Dr Muhahaha?

What's the deal with the sock, Hound?

We're going to use it to defeat your evil scheme.

Oh, I see.

Well, it'll never work.

Why? Aren't you going to try and stop us?

I'm not.

Really? Did you stop being evil?

I'm not going to stop you - my scissor ships are.

Look sharp, Hound.

There's a bit of "shear" terror for you!

Muhahaha!

Muhahaha...

Oh! Been cut off.

Oh! Been "cut off"!

OK, we've got to go. We've got company.

Not yet!

Hurrying would be good round about now.

Just...finishing...the toe.

Cast off.

Hold onto something!

(FRENETIC IRISH MUSIC)

Doo-ow!

Whoa!

Wooh!

-Yes!

-Yeah!

We did it!

All right, we've got the sock.

Now we need a portal to take it through.

I know! Take me back to Earth.

OK. Light speed in 3...2...

Whah!

Look at that! Goodness!

There's definitely a sofa down there we can use, right?

Yeah, a big one.

That's just great, isn't it?

We have to find ourselves another presenter.

Rufus might come back.

Oh, yeah, he's just going to drop in

and say, "Hi, guys,

"Sorry about the mysterious disappearance this morning."

Someone's opened the studio roof.

Hi, guys! Sorry about the mysterious disappearance this morning.

Now, can I get you off that sofa?

We can start initiating full suction in...30 seconds.

30 seconds?

But I think we should be sensible here.

Boring! Boring, Steve.

I just think we should test an individual portal first,

just to check it can handle it.

Test it on one sofa first? What a...brilliant idea!

Yes! Let's test it on Rufus Hound's little chums in the FunLab studio.

OK, just locating.

Oh, I like boring. Boring can be really...evil.

That's my motto.

OK! We're ready!

Just tell Curly to stay away from the controls!

Oh, my goodness! What was that?

Yeah. Keep going down.

Keep going down. Right a bit.

The other right. Down.

Down.

No. It's going to be tight, it's going to be tight. Keep it coming.

It's huge! How big is this thing?

I wouldn't worry, Rufus. It will definitely be big enough.

It's never going to fit.

Bum!

Is that an enormous sock?

Yeah, look at it. It's like the size of a really big...sock.

-COMPUTER:

-Locating portal, locating portal. Portal located.

Got it. Activate.

-COMPUTER:

-Portal activation commencing.

Rufus! Ship to Rufus!

Do we have a goal?

Enterprise, we've got a problem.

The sock's too big to fit down the back of the sofa.

Why would you want it to?

There's a portal that's going to suck...

Engage the space vacuum.

Oh...

Oh!

-GELINA: Rufus! What's happening?

-Oh, nothing(!)

Just being sucked down a portal by an evil genius. Help me!

-He's a proper joker, this one.

-Really, help me!

Whoa!

-GELINA:

-Grab the wool! I can pull you up with that.

Really, help!

GELINA: Help the man - right now!

All right, bossy.

Oh, come on, let me do it.

Help me!

Increasing...thrust.

Well, that's that, then.

Would you believe it?

We finally find something big enough to block the space vacuum,

and then all the sofas on Earth aren't big enough for it to go down.

Oh, Buck!

We're through.

Can't we go to the space vacu-whatsit and block it there?

Buck, were you not listening? I swear you're from another planet.

It's kept in a secret location, and I couldn't find out where.

-Em...

-Well, that was a close one.

Em...why aren't you wearing your trousers?

Oh, they got sucked into the space vacuum.

-(ECHO)

-It's a key finder. It's a key finder.

It's a key finder. It's a key finder.

It's a key finder.

But there's a key finder in the pocket.

One of those things you whistle, and it tells you where it is.

So if we whistle, then...

we'll...find...where...

the...

source of the...

Space vacuum - we'd know where the space vacuum was.

Right! Well, that's a great idea.

Listen up. Lock onto that signal, Buck. Hold on, everybody.

Take it away, Rufus.

(WHISTLES)

-COMPUTER (BLEATING):

-Space vacuum located.

-COMPUTER:

-Portal test successful.

Muhahaha! OK, I've had enough of boring evil.

Let's do some fun stuff. Turn them all on.

Ooh!

# Muhahaha, Muhahaha Muhahaha-ha!

# Get up, stand up It's over for you loafers

# Listen up, good suckers or get suckered down your sofas

# Dr Mu's nicking coins to power his machine

# At present, humans, it's a zee-bomb strain

# Muhahaha, Muhahaha Muhahaha-ha! #

-BUCK:

-Ah, the key finder's worked.

We've found Mu's massive vacuum cleaner.

This is it. We've only got one chance.

Deploy the sock.

-BUCK:

-Oops! Missed it. Sorry.

We've got bigger problems.

Oops!

-Oh, no!

-Give me that.

-What are you doing?

-This.

Hold on.

Whoa...!

It worked!

Oh, no! We're still attached!

We're still attached!

Hm...

Either we've got to full containment really quickly,

or that plan of Hound's you said would never work...

has actually worked.

Oh, well. Shall I hit the reset button?

Another day, another failed plan.

How could you be so defeatist?

Oh, come on!

Does it ever go well after something like this?

They're still attached to that sock. Out of my way!

-I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

-Ah!

Deploy front boosters!

-I told you not to do that.

-What? I'll win.

I'll suck Rufus Hound and his stupid buddies into a dusty tomb.

No, the vacuum will blow up.

Oh, no!

The hoovering worked!

We did it!

You were amazing!

-COMPUTER:

-All global portals are deactivated.

Shall I?

Certainly not.

Em...why aren't you wearing your trousers?

-What an enormous sock!

-But it's so cool!

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, well, I'm definitely going to beat him tomorrow.

Or is that today?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]