Rufus Versus Rufus Hounded

GENTLE MUSIC

Give us a lick of your frog.

SNORES

DISCORDANT MUSIC

That's me - Rufus Hound.

I'm a television presenter...

and every day I save the world.

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

..and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up with some new plan to conquer us,

and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

FAST REWIND

GENTLE MUSIC

DISCORDANT MUSIC Not again!

Whoa!

Right, off to my first day at work...

again.

Ha-ya!

So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning!

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up, and it'll be tomorrow.

BIRD CAWS

Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

OINKING

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

Maybe you have. Oh, my days, let's really freak out!

No, we've never met.

Well, come on then, we haven't got all day.

MUISC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss

Ha-ya!

DIRECTOR: 30 seconds to show time.

So this experiment...

..Is to see whether the whole BBC can be powered by just these lemons.

Wow! Can it?

-- DIRECTOR: Ten seconds.

-- No, of course not. Good luck!

DIRECTOR: And in five, four, three...

-- Ooh!

-- ..On air.

Hello, and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics.

Mystery into chemistry.

And the "Oh, gee" into biology.

And kicking off today's experiment

is brand-new presenter, Rupert Hound.

Well, today we're going to find out

whether this bowl of lemons can power the entire BBC...

RUFUS: And just as I'm getting going,

my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.

TV: Somebody actually thought that was worth checking.

So can it be done? And more importantly,

can we do this experiment without

me getting exploded?

It appears n...

Rufus?

Sorry, we have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.

So now I'm off to meet my future self

so he can send me on some hare-brained mission.

Ow!

Oh!

Ah! Rufus!

Now pay attention. I haven't got much time.

What, because the future of the multiverse is at stake?

No, I've got a baked potato in the microwave.

There you go.

50p?

You know, some people bring back amazing technology from the future.

But not me. Oh, no! "There's 50p, buy yourself something nice."

Well, don't go buying anything. Just keep that handy.

And...this.

A bar of soap?

What are you trying to say?

Now listen, Rufus.

There is one absolutely crucial thing I have to tell you.

This is incredibly important, so pay close attention, whatever happens.

-MICROWAVE DINGS

-Oh, my spud's ready. Bye-bye!

You know, I'm beginning to think

-- I might be a bit of an idiot.

-- Ha-ya!

Ah!

EVIL LAUGH

Excellent!

Rufus Hound.

For once I am delighted to see you

appearing bang on time and just where we planned.

Magnificent work, my kung fu ninja teddy bear.

I have kung fu ninja teddy bears now.

-- Impressed?

-- Oh, yeah(!)

Grown man, playing with teddy bears. What's not to be impressed by?

Ha-ya!

Yes, they're great. But they are going through a lot of wood.

Well, come on, then.

Explain the big evil plan. Chop chop!

Yes, you have foiled many of my brilliant plans

to completely take over the entire multiverse

and that's why I've decided to get some help

rather than taking you on entirely on my own.

Silence, Steve.

Rufus Hound, prepare to meet your greatest enemy.

-- The foe you cannot defeat.

-- Ow!

Rufus!

Meet...

Evil Rufus.

An exact copy in every way except completely evil.

Wow!

So that's what I'd look like with an earring.

Like it?

Hmm...nah!

It is my most fiendishly brilliant plan ever.

Which I will now explain

to the bloke who stopped all the other ones.

My undercover kung fu ninja teddies have been collecting hair samples

from every important person on Earth.

And you.

Then, with my new cloning machine,

I have been creating evil twins for all of them.

You are the final piece of the jigsaw.

Once you have been removed, my evil twins will move into place

and take over the world.

Well, I'll stop you.

Ow! Yeeah! Ow!

You see because I am you,

I can predict everything you think.

I know you can't resist jammy dodgers

and I also know

that now you're thinking you need to create a diversion

to work out some plan to escape.

Hang on! You can't know exactly what I'm thinking.

Well, go on, then.

Think of the most random thing possible.

BOTH: Rubber ducks.

BOTH: The 1999 Arsenal team.

BOTH: # Who let the dogs out? #

BOTH: Belly button fluff.

BOTH: Rubber ducks again.

BOTH: Did you change your underpants today?

And yes, you did, by the way.

Let's see if you can find a way to beat that.

All right, you may know what I'm thinking

and wearing

but you'll lose cos you're evil and I'm good, and good always wins.

Even as you say that,

you don't really believe that's much of a plan, do you?

Fair point.

Agh!

IMITATES MU'S LAUGH

Not much of a team player, is she?

Hm. I know, I know.

That's why I'm glad you're here, Evil Rufus.

I feel like you really get me.

I feel the same way.

When I... When I made you

I didn't just make an evil partner.

I made a friend.

Agh!

Would it kill you to get some cushions?

-- It's him.

-- Rufus Hound!

I see my reputation precedes me.

-- Get him.

-- What?

Oh, yeah, now there are cushions.

What have I done to you two?

What have you done to us two? You imprisoned us down here.

No, no, no, that's my evil twin, Evil Rufus. I'm Good Rufus.

The clue is very much in the name.

A likely story.

He's got an earring.

Oh, yeah! I remember thinking it looked stupid.

Really? I quite liked it.

Hm, nah!

Anyway, she's Gelina.

And he's Buck.

Now, how are we going to get out of here?

Oh, yes, do tell.

So how?

How is your escape plan coming along?

They'll be coming up with something.

I normally do.

Which is why we've made a special prison just for you.

You tell him, Evil Ru, go on.

At the end of your cell is a door. DOORBELL RINGS

Where did that come from?

Through that door lie three chambers,

each one full of your deepest, darkest fears.

You don't scare me.

No, but I know what does.

You'll never be able to escape.

Never.

Or you could've just not put a door there.

Really, Steve, really.

That's your idea of evil, is it?

Just locking somebody up?

No sense of style.

None.

You forgot to do the laugh.

Oh, yes.

After you.

No, after you.

Muhahahahaha!

Three chambers full of my deepest, darkest fears.

This should be fun.

RUFUS: OK, here's a plan.

You two go ahead and I'll wait in here.

BUCK: Oh, will you just be quiet, Rufus?

Hey, don't be grouchy. All right, all right.

Looks OK.

Look! There's the exit at the other end.

Brilliant! Right, keep quiet. Let's get out of here.

Rufus, you aren't by any chance afraid of any vegetable, are you?

I'd really rather not talk about it.

Only there is a massive stalk of broccoli-on-legs following us

and I think he might.

GROWLING

ROARING

Eat me!

Eat me, Rufus!

Run!

Oh, no! Come back! Finish your vegetables.

Finish your...

Come back!

Preparations are virtually complete.

The evil twins are ready to take over from

their goody-goody counterparts.

Excellent! Let's check on your better half, shall we?

Looks like they won't even make it out of the first chamber.

Honestly! What kind of a moron is afraid of broccoli?

I am.

Right...because you're the same...

Yeah, it's a clone thing.

-- I mean, obviously.

-- Sort of...how it works.

PANTING

Can't...go...on!

Must...keep...moving.

Wait! Rufus!

Why are you afraid of broccoli?

I had some when I was a kid. It's horrible!

Try some now. Eat it before it eats you.

Conquer your fears.

ROARING

BROCCOLI FALLS SILENT

Actually...

..you're quite tasty.

I know!

I'm not just a pretty face.

Shut up, Steve.

I didn't say anything.

I know, but I can hear you thinking.

Wow! So you can hear me thinking

that this was exactly the flaw

I kept trying to warn you about in your plan?

Yes.

And that the really big problem with evil people

is they all want to be in control

and so it's just a matter of time before they try and take over?

What part of "shut up" didn't you understand, Steve?

Where has that back-stabbing Evil Rufus gone now?

TOILET FLUSHING

Oh! Did you hear that?

Now he's using my evil bathroom.

I hate it when people do that.

Now that...

-PHHRRT!

-..that was pretty evil.

So what you're saying is broccoli is not only nutritious, it's also delicious.

That's right. You can enjoy me with anything, even ice cream.

Mmmm! Broccoli!

'Please enjoy broccoli responsibly!'

OK, I'll see ya later, guys!

-- What a nice vegetable.

-- I know!

This whole chamber of fears thing's a right doddle.

I don't suppose there's any chance you're afraid of ice cream?

No.

There's another exit.

DOORBELL RINGS

Brightly coloured things and sand? Hardly very scary.

HOOTER SQUEAKS

-CIRCUS MUSIC

-I think I hear some kind of tune.

Something's coming.

Oh brill! I love clowns.

It looks like Rufus doesn't share your enthusiasm.

Come on, we've got to get out of here.

Oh, but we'll miss the show!

Come on, let's go.

MUSIC TURNS SINISTER

I demand you release me immediately.

Oh, that won't be happening.

Thanks, by the way, for reprogramming the ninja teddy bears.

Very useful for me.

-- You traitor!

-- Whatever!

Please!

He said he'd show me a cool trick.

Oh, but I have.

Abracadabra!

Evil Rufus is in charge.

CIRCUS MUSIC

MUSIC TURNS SINISTER

MUSIC STOPS

LAUGHING POLICEMAN

Quick, go before they realise.

Go on, Steve, do it.

Do what?

That thing you do when you point out the flaw in his evil plan.

There isn't one.

Shows how much you know.

It's the same flaw that was in my plan.

All those evil twins will eventually want to be in charge.

Unless they are programmed to obey their master's instructions.

Well, the machine was supposed to do that, but it doesn't.

But it does.

You simply pull the master lever.

-What?

-MACHINE WHIRS

MANY VOICES: What are your instructions, master?

That's what it does.

And thanks for the reminder.

Idiot!

Well done, Rufus.

You conquered your fear.

They were really funny.

Cor, it doesn't half stink in here.

GELINA: It smells like...

Old socks.

Oh, no!

-- What is it?

-- It can't be.

It's the final chamber, Rufus. What is your biggest fear?

Quick, let's move.

What's out there, Rufus?

When I was little, my auntie told me this story, about Sockalophagus.

He's a monster that lives under a kid's bed made entirely of pants and socks.

Right?

If a kid leaves a pair of pants or socks on the floor,

Sockalophagus can eat it and, well,

he gets bigger and stronger and meaner.

-LAUGHING

-That's it? Your biggest fear?

Some made-up underpants-based monster? Bring it on.

I am not scared of that, no.

Who's woken me up?

What's going on?

RUN!

Ah! Spot of lunch?

Come here, mate.

EATING NOISILY

He's eaten Buck.

Well, maybe he won't be so sniffy about Sockalophagus now.

No kidding.

He's actually delicious, that little fella.

BUCK: Ooh, it really stinks in here.

Buck! Are you all right?

Well, I have just been eaten by a monster.

It's a fair point.

A monster? That seems a little unkind.

-- Well, do something.

-- Like what?

I'm not a monster. I'm just, you know, misunderstood.

The stuff Future Rufus gave me.

50p.

-- How's that going to help?

-- It doesn't.

MONSTER BURPS

Excusez moi!

This is the worst smell imaginable.

That's it!

Where are you going?

I know, I should have thought of this before.

-Who's he talking to?

-WHISTLE

What can I do for you, mate?

It's time to clean up your act.

Hey, man, don't get heavy, yeah?

Can we not talk and... GULPS

Oh, that is revolting!

Oh, man! Why did you have to do that?

Oh, brilliant! You're a genius! You've washed him - he's nice and clean.

You'll be popular at parties, but my friend is still inside.

Think about it.

Sockalophagus is all about the stinking, so a bar of soap should...

-..Really mess him up.

-MONSTER BURPS

Oh, man, I'm coming over a bit strange.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ugh, that smell's really revolting.

Aaaagghhh!

BURPS Ah, I feel a bit better, man.

You're alive!

And you stink!

Yes, I have just been eaten by a monster

made entirely of dirty underpants. What do you expect?

Oh, there you go with the monster thing again.

-- It's good to have you back.

-- Sorry about that.

Absolutely!

-- Come on, let's get out of here.

-- Hey, guys, you come back, yeah?

We could have, like, a proper party.

I could get some lights up and everything.

Oh, they've gone. Never mind. OK.

Now...the time has come

to unleash my army of evil twins.

In five...

four...

three...

What is it with evil people and countdowns?

One moment, evil but handsome.

Well, original Rufus.

That was predictable.

You made it. I knew you would.

What is that smell?

Don't ask.

So, how did you find my chamber of fears?

It was nothing.

I suppose you're here to interrupt my plan to take over the multiverse.

And to get him a shower.

Well, seeing as how you've come all this way,

let me give you a chance.

In your hand you'll find two buttons.

One of them destroys the cloning machine

and all of the clones it created, including me.

Right?

The other one controls the laser above my head.

Press that and it'll destroy everyone here.

Except me, of course.

I hate to admit it, but he does have style.

All right.

Well, come on. Press a button.

Or else I'll just pull the lever,

unleash my army of evil twins

and press the button that destroys you all anyway.

Well, it's a 50/50 guess.

But it's not, is it? You know my favourite colour's green.

Yes, and I know that you know

that I know green is your favourite colour.

-- So, whichever button I pick...

-- You'll lose.

Fun, isn't it?

Buck, Gelina, you choose.

Oh, no! I've already been eaten today.

I'm not getting involved in this.

And if I destroy the whole world, I'll never hear the end of it.

Right.

Wait!

50p.

I'd like to...

buy your machine?

No.

No. Didn't think that was it.

Hang on! You know which button I'd choose,

but you don't know which button the coin would choose.

Well, um...

If I flip a coin, it's entirely at random. You can't know the outcome.

Wait! Um...

No! Too late for that now.

That wouldn't work because...

Heads for red, tails for green.

No! Wait!

CRACKLING

Oops!

You almost had me there.

Yeah, or I could just toss the coin into the machine and break it.

She's gonna blow!

Oh, bum handle.

Come on, Steve. Move!

No!

He was my BFF.

Who scuppered your plans, took you prisoner

and just got your cloning machine destroyed.

Well? Nobody's perfect.

Still a little bit "hoo-hoo"!

Put it there.

Oh, no! You can't reach your precious reset button from there.

You won't beat me.

I just did.

Well, I'm not losing to the good you and the evil you in the same day.

No!

FAST REWIND

Evil Rufus

is in charge.

Mmm! Broccoli!

Good always wins.

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Ah, well. I'm definitely gonna beat him tomorrow.

Or is that today?

# You're seeing double

# Now there's two of you

# One of you's in trouble

# Now there's two of you

# Two of you. #