Eggy Breath Hounded

GENTLE MUSIC

This pencil tastes like monkeys.

SNORES

DISCORDANT MUSIC

'That's me - Rufus Hound.

'I'm a television presenter...

'and every day I save the world.'

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

...and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up with some new plan to conquer us,

and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If at the end of the day I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

FAST REWIND

GENTLE MUSIC

-DISCORDANT MUSIC

-Not again!

Whoa!

'Right, off to my first day at work...

'again!'

So, you think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning!

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last but by no means least is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up and it'll be tomorrow.

BIRD CAWS

Or at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

OINKING

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

No, we've not been formally introduced,

but I did once break wind in a lift you were standing in.

Well, come on, then, we haven't got all day.

'Initiating ejection sequence, over.

'Commencing rear valve expulsion.'

-DIRECTOR:

-'30 seconds to show time.'

-So this experiment?

-HE BURPS

It's really exciting, actually. It's called a reverser ray.

-It turns things into their opposite...

-BURP!

..so turns black white or hard things into soft.

You see that? That was a man-eating shark.

No way! Really?

Here's something we did earlier.

We used the reverser ray on these school dinners,

and it turned them into sweets.

Unfortunately they still tasted horrible,

but we're going to try the experiment again today.

-Now, the thing to remember is... DIRECTOR:

-'Ten seconds.'

Oh, don't worry! You'll work it out.

But what if I...?

You'll be fine. Nothing will go wrong.

-DIRECTOR:

-'And in five...'

-HE BURPS

-'..four...three...'

-Eugh!

-Go!

-Oh!

-DIRECTOR:

-On air.

Hello, and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics...

The mystery into chemistry...

And the "Oh, gee" into biology.

And kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Rory Hound.

Yeah, thanks...Jenny!

Rufus Hound here...

'And just as I'm getting going,

'my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.'

All you have to do is press the button here on the front and...

Wah!

Rudolf?

'Sorry, we have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.'

You see, Steve,

I'm such an evil genius, I sometimes surprise even myself.

I mean, I'm bringing their entire planet to its knees

and I'm not even sweating.

See how they cower before my might,

but what they don't know is the worst is yet to come.

I said, "See how they cower."

-Steve.

-What?

Will you come and look at them cowering, please?

Oh, yeah, very good(!)

What's wrong now? Steve, you're so negative.

You take the fun out of everything.

It stinks here.

It sti...?

Of course it stinks. The entire planet is made from rubbish.

What do you expect it to smell of?

-I'm just saying...

-Be quiet.

Or I'll have you smeared in jam and custard

and served up as trifle to the Zulterian nose gypsies, yes.

-Actually, they don't like custard.

-Pardon?

The Zulterian nose gypsies? They're lactose intolerant?

Keith!

'So now I'm off to meet my future self,

'so he can send me on some harebrained mission.'

Looking good!

Why do you do this?

-I enjoy it.

-I don't.

You will, one day. I know that for a fact.

Look, just cos you're me from the future, doesn't...

-Yeah, yeah, look, take these.

-A handful of sweets?

These aren't just normal sweets, Rufus,

-so be sure to use them wisely.

-How?

A-hem!

Be thoughtful and dear, and the purpose is clear.

A-hem!

What are you...

even going on about?

You'll work it out.

You really enjoy this, don't you?

Yeah.

DR MU: Here he is.

Yes, Dr Mu.

The robotic equivalent of blancmange,

by which I mean, he's useless and no-one likes him.

That's very unkind, Dr Mu.

You may be an evil genius, but some of us have feelings.

Besides, my therapist told me that I...

Now, Keith.

I've got something for you.

Really? What are you doing, Dr Mu?

Ooh, you're tinkering with my back, ooh!

It's an evil upgrade from my evil robot lab.

But why, Dr Mu?

-Well, there's no point you having all these

-evil

-weapons

-if you haven't got the

-evil

-guts to use them.

-There. It's currently installing.

-Ooh! Ooh!

I think it's working.

-(IN LOWER VOICE)

-Exterminate!

Well!

Yes, not very original, but, well, it's a start.

Now, I've installed a voice-activated transporter,

which means you appear whenever we call your name three times.

Exterminate!

-Oh, do stop that.

-Yes, master.

Oh, for heaven's sake, have you heard me call your name three times?

-No, master.

-Well, get lost, then.

-Right. Kill, kill, I'm going to go and kill things.

-Agh!

I think he's getting the knack of this evil thing.

You stand right where you are, dude.

Tell us your name, yeah.

Rufus Hound of Planet Earth at your...disposal!

So you're, like, not one of them guards, then.

No.

Safe.

Then I'm Buck, and this is Gelina of da resistance movement.

The resistance movement where? Planet Stink?

You're on Flotsam, a junk asteroid, a planet made from anything

that's been thrown away anywhere in the multiverse.

So what's Dr Mu's ship doing

hanging round a planet that's made entirely of junk?

He came here to extract the grot particle, innit?

The what particle innit?

The grot particle.

A microscopic subatomic matter responsible for bad smells.

He extracted it from the rubbish mines here

and now he's beaming it straight back down to Earth.

Not only is it polluting the atmosphere there,

but it's like a virus, yeah.

It gets inside human beings and spreads,

making their breath unbelievably bad, you get me?

That's where I've smelt this smell before -

Barry's breath this morning.

Know what I mean? If he succeeds, yeah,

then everyone on Earth will have bad breath.

Like a planet populated with people

who have only eaten Brussels sprouts.

Yeah, but that's not the worst of it, though.

Once it reaches toxic levels there's nothing for it.

The smell is going to be so bad

the whole Earth is going to have to be evacuated.

So how long do we have till that happens?

He activated the ray about four hours ago,

so that means we got, like...

Yeah, hold on.

Yeah, hold on, bruv, 17 minutes and 41 seconds to stop him.

Well, what are we doing hanging round here?

Let's go and save Planet Earth. Again.

Easier said than done, bruv.

Britain stinks!

That's the latest from officials who claim the eggy breath phenomenon

is spreading faster and more widely than previously anticipated.

Baffled scientists describe the smell as

"a cross between rotten eggs and a public toilet on a hot day".

And they said it couldn't be done.

Who did?

Actually, you did, Steve.

Well, your plans do have a habit of going wrong.

I always knew my bad breath ray would work.

All I needed was enough grot

to charge the ray to saturate the Earth's atmosphere,

and that is what I have here.

Takes a bajillion tons of rubbish just to create one drop,

and now I have enough to ensure

that no human will ever be able to speak to each other face to face

ever again.

Yes.

Society will fall apart, and they will beg me to lead them.

Or they could just eat mints or use mouthwash.

Grot is more powerful than mints or mouthwash.

Whatever. When can we go home? It stinks.

Be patient, Steve.

The ray's only been on for four hours.

It has yet to reach toxic levels.

So by my calculations that's another 16 minutes and 23 seconds.

Hm, exactly.

Here you are, my beauty.

Identify yourself.

Er, robot guards...think.

You confuse them, makes them short-circuit their brains.

This always works.

Good day, stout yeoman! My name is Dr Muhahaha.

Ha.

No, it's not.

What's not?

You're not Dr Muhahahaha.

I never said I was.

-Yes, you did.

-Did what?

You said you were Dr Muhahahahaha.

I am, and so are they.

You know what I think?

No.

I think you're trying to confuse us.

To make us short-circuit.

Who? Me? No!

Well, it's not going to work.

Oh, dear.

Recycle.

Recycle. Recycle.

-Hold me.

-This ain't no time for no cuddles.

Recycle. Recycle.

Just hold me.

ALARM BLARES

Steve, get down to the surface and find out what's happening.

There seems to be a problem.

But it really smells.

Just do it.

And Steve? I'm going for a nap.

Being an evil genius is very tiring.

Nice one, fridge face, you let them get away.

Well, I'm not taking the blame for it, not this time.

Hello.

What seems to be the problem here?

Another intruder.

No, no, I'm not an intruder. I work for Dr Muhahaha.

Oh, nice one, nice one. You think I'm going to fall for that again?

You think it's so easy to make a robot short-circuit, don't you?

What are you talking about?

Get her!

No...no, no!

No, no, no, no...no, no... Agh!

Mu's headquarters, yeah?

We gotta find the grot particle.

Then we stand a good chance of stoppin' him.

We should be out in five minutes.

-What does this thing look like?

-Ah!

That didn't sound like a good "Ah".

-Well, this is the problem.

-We don't know, bruv.

-Right. Phone a friend?

-What?

It's an Earth thing. Never mind.

Right.

I'm not joking.

I am actually your boss.

So, you let me go right now,

we'll forget about this whole silly thing.

I'm not laughing.

-You'll be sorry for that.

-THEY LAUGH

I mean it.

Oh, no, we haven't got long. Look!

The ray's almost reached toxic levels.

The Earth is going to be uninhabitable.

Think. If you were Mu, where would you put it?

That's it.

The grot particle. It must be there. Rufus, respect! You found it.

Wicked! Let's destroy it and get out of here.

Exterminate!

-Exterminate!

-It's all right, it's only Keith.

Rufus Hound and dissidents of Planet Flotsam.

-What did they do to you?

-Prepare to be terminated.

-In ten...nine...

-It's not working.

Eight...

This is your last chance to let me go and say sorry.

You asked for it. Keith, Keith, Keith.

Five...four...

-Three...two...

-It's been nice knowing you, yeah?

One.

You called my name three times. How can I help?

Look what you did.

Do you think you might have gone over the top?

CAT MIAOWS

Negative.

Don't know how I feel about this new Keith, if I'm honest.

D'you think he's comin' back?

Who cares? Let's destroy this thing and get out.

But it's not as simple as that, though.

It's never as simple as that, though.

All right. I'm listening. Why?

The ray's been targeted at Earth

for over four hours now, yeah?

The process is already nearly complete.

What we need to do, yeah,

is figure out a way to reverse the whole process, innit!

Well, all right. Well, let's think of something.

I know!

What about if everyone just stopped breathing?

Yeah, don't think that's really a long-term solution.

We gotta keep thinking, yeah, and quick.

Eugh! This is horrible.

I'm getting cold chicken, lumpy gravy, really horrible mash.

Sounds like some dirty school dinner.

Innit!

'It turns things into their opposite.'

School dinner! That's how we defeat Dr Mu.

Buck, you're a genius! Wait here.

I'll be back.

There. I've reversed the upgrade.

I preferred you before. You were a lot less dangerous.

I want to teach the world to sing, Steve.

But don't let Dr Muhahaha know, though.

Mu's got all the grot he needs now. This plan might actually work.

Yup, yup, yup, yup, no.

SHE LAUGHS

He's strutting around like a hero, we're stuck in here.

-He knows what he's doin'.

-We are the resistance. We should resist.

There's gotta be something we can do. Come on.

Check it. Check it out.

-Oh, Rowan, I thought you were...

-Gill, where's the ray?

-SHE BURPS

-The reverser ray.

-TV:

-'The planet is now officially on a state of alert.

'Sources close to the Prime Minister, but not too close, say

'that if the eggy breath continues to worsen,

'it is only a matter of time

'until the total collapse of world order.'

-Check it out, dude.

-That is, like, well ring.

I'll take that.

Oh, impressive, isn't it?

You don't scare us, dude.

I will do.

Where is Rufus Hound?

You expect us to talk, Dr Muhaha-hoo-doo?

No, I expect you to cry...

as I unleash my evil torture machine on you.

HE LAUGHS

Keith! Keith! Keith!

Where is he?

Keith! Keith! Keith!

Keith! Keith! Keith!

Well, Steve, no-one ever listens to a word I say.

I just feel under-appreciated.

Like he doesn't really get me.

You know?

It's like with Dr Mu, he interrupts everything I say.

It's like I start speaking, and then he...

-Definitely, he definitely does.

-Oh, OK.

Must be heading back. His Highness will be wanting his supper.

OK, Steve, never mind what I was saying. What's the point?

So, let me get this straight.

You've been travelling through dimensions

fighting battles with a megalomaniac who plans

-to conquer us by making everybody's breath smell.

-In a nutshell.

-What do you want me to do?

-Listen very carefully.

Keith! Keith! Keith!

Ah!

Mm, I know.

There you are.

I've been calling and calling.

Didn't you hear me?

No, sorry, Dr Mu.

Never mind. Begin the evil torture

with your evil laser wheel.

-Ah, right. Slight problem there.

-What?

Well, where are the lasers?

I spent a fortune on the lasers.

I wanted you to take her toes off one by one. Now what?

This is much more evil, Dr Mu. It's a "Tickle 2000".

-Really?

-Yeah.

All right, well, I suppose you'd better

take her shoes off one by one.

Righto. And, er...this might... hurt a tiny bit.

-And it's going to be...

-GELINA: Yo, get off me, dude.

No, stop it! No, stop! SHE LAUGHS

How delicious!

Well done, Keith!

Gill, you've got to send it through to me in exactly...

GILL: Five minutes.

Five minutes.

-Wow! We're going to save the world, eh?

-Yeah.

We are, hopefully.

It's a bit weird, isn't it?

It's done, it's done.

All sorted. Dr Mu is not coming back from...

He's behind me.

Hound.

I wondered when you'd turn up.

Go on, Keith, get him.

-All right, Dr Mu.

-HE GROWLS

Well, come on. Laser him, or nuke him or something.

-Oh, yeah, OK.

-GROWLS LOWER

What are you doing?

I was going to give him a really hard stare, Dr Mu.

I'll have serious words with that evil robot lab.

There's a portal, so I'll just...

After him!

# Working in the trash, man Digging out the grot

# Down in the dumps Wondering where it's going to stop

# Load it into weapons Fire it at mankind

# Watch 'em start to stink Just like old cheese rind

# Bad breath Nobody can talk face to face

# Bad breath Down fell the whole human race

# Muhahaha! Muhahaha-hahaha!

# Muhahaha! #

-You couldn't do as you were told, could you?

-Me?

You gotta follow orders,

or things are going to come crashing down on top of you.

Oh! Er!

That's really going to hurt. Sorry!

EVIL LAUGHING

You are too late, Rufus Hound.

I've already brought your pathetic little planet to its knees

using my evil breath ray,

and in just 30 seconds,

my evil breath ray will finally reach toxic levels...

HE LAUGHS

..making your pathetic little planet uninhabitable,

and Earth will be mine.

So then you'll be the ruler of a really stinky planet.

Well done(!) Cool(!)

You may mock.

May we, though! Right, you wearing your grandma's brooch!

-THEY LAUGH

-You got skin where your hair should be!

Silence, fools!

Hound, I'm glad you're here to witness the demise

of your pathetic little planet.

Steve, let the show commence.

EVIL LAUGHING

Earth is mine at last.

I am a genius, I thank you.

You're an idiot and you're welcome.

Trying to go somewhere?

No, I'm just expecting a delivery, which should be coming any minute...

..now.

Everyone breathe in.

I can't believe this worked.

What on Earth are you doing now?

This? Oh, it's just a simple reverser ray,

turns everything into its opposite,

so by firing at your grot particle, what was grot is now...

..not.

What?

Looks like I win again, Muhahahaha-h-hee-hee-h-hoo-hoo!

No, his name's Dr Muhaha... Oh, you probably knew that.

Never mind.

Hound?

Go on, then, hit your big red button.

It was nice meeting you, guys.

I'll get you for this.

Until the next time.

'Britain stinks!'

See how they cower.

Keith! Keith! Keith!

BURPS

Be thoughtful and dear.

Identify yourself.

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Ah, well. I'm definitely going to beat him tomorrow.

Or is that today?

# Working in the trash, man Digging out the grot

# Down in the dumps Wondering where it's gonna stop

# Load it into weapons Fire it at mankind

# Watch 'em start to stink Just like old cheese rind

# Bad breath

-# Nobody can talk face to face... #

-EVIL LAUGH