Is There Anything Smellier Than Big Howard? Little Howard's Big Question

HE SNIFFS

Oh! Awful!

Big Howard?

I'm doing my wee-wee dance!

Just a minute!

What are you doing in there, sounds like weightlifting?

Can't we give it five minutes?

-Or maybe an hour?

-No!

I need to take a trip to widdle town!

Aw, you can be really sweet sometimes.

And a long-haul flight to pooh land. Express delivery!

Eugh! What is that smell?!

Come on, it's not that bad.

Can't...breathe. Need...air.

OK, maybe I'll just open the window.

No! Save yourself.

And...tell Mother I love her.

I must admit, it is a bit pongy.

HORN BLASTS

I, Little Howard, have come up with another one of my big questions!

Is anything in the world smellier than Big Howard?! Eugh!

I do wish you wouldn't do that.

HORN BLASTS

# I love Monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little Chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys We'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her anymore Thank you very much! #

I say, I say, I say, my dog's got no nose.

How does he smell?

He can't, I just told you, he's got no nose.

You can be very unkind sometimes, Big Howard.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

That should hold it. Eugh, not quite!

That room smells like the inside of a dead zebra.

How do you know what the inside...?

Oh, that time at the safari park.

That ruined my birthday, that did.

Well, they shouldn't let zebras cross the road on zebra crossings.

Hey, where are you going?

You should turn yourself in to the authorities, Big Howard.

That smell must be against international law.

Don't be stupid! The authorities are not going to be interested...

Step away from the dead zebra. Get up against the wall,

hands on your head, fingers up your nose!

SHE COUGHS

Oh, yes, sorry.

I'm Brigadier Tonypandy and this is my assistant, Johnson.

Step out of line and she'll tear you a new nostril. She's a monster.

Hello! Gosh, I do like your house.

We're from the U.N.I.F, or UNIF, for short.

What does UNIF stand for?

I ask the questions, sonny!

-To be fair, Little Howard asks quite a few...

-Silence!

UNIF stands for United National...

That is classified information.

OK, so Big Howard did a poo, and even by his standards it was unusually smelly but...

They're not here about the smell.

We are here about the ungodly honk that emanated from your

little boy's room at quarter past 0800 hours, this morning.

OK, they are here about the smell.

It wasn't from my room! It was from the toilet!

You will accompany us to our secret headquarters, or face the consequences.

But, that's a phone.

Yes. We're not allowed guns, but we know the numbers of people who are!

Johnson! Make them comply by whatever means necessary!

Righto.

Erm, sorry, would you mind awfully just sort of stepping this way, gentlemen?

Who needs guns when you have a sadistic killing machine like Johnson by your side?!

-Er... well, at least let us say goodbye to the rabbit.

-What rabbit?

What's wrong with your eye?

Our rabbit, you know, the rabbit in the rabbit RUN.

Assuming he hasn't RUN AWAY.

Of course you may go and say goodbye to the rabbit.

More of a guinea pig man myself.

-Erm, sir...

-Nothing wrong with showing a little

compassion sometimes, Johnson, you black-hearted fiend.

Right but, sir, I do think they might be escaping.

-Don't be so...

-I'm having a little bit of trouble escaping, Big Howard!

This fence is a bit high to climb over!

Hurry up! They'll notice we've run away in a minute!

Just testing you, Johnson. After them!

Johnson, fetch the Whiffilating machine.

I do think if we just walk up to them, sir...

-Just get the Whiffilating machine, Johnson.

-Righto, sir.

What's that?

A finely-tuned electronic nose.

This will follow your stinky friend's scent anywhere.

Oh, sir, I really do feel I could have caught them then, actually.

We have paid for the Whiffilating machine and we shall use it!

WHIFFILATING MACHINE BEEPS

What are we going to do?!

Peg it like it's wash day!

# ..And that's when you need me there

# With you I'll always share

# Because when the sun shines We'll shine together

# Told you I'll be here forever

# That I'll always be a friend

# Took an oath I'll stick it out till the end

# Now that it's raining more than ever

# Know that we'll still have each other

# You can stand under my umbrella

# You can stand under my umbrella

# You can stand under my umbrella

# Hey, hey, hey

# These fancy things

# Will never come in between

# You're part of my entity

# Here for infinity

# When the war has took its part

# When the world has dealt its cards

# If the hand is hard

# Together we'll mend your heart

# Because when the sun shines We'll shine together

# Told you I'll be here forever... #

We need to stop you smelling!

I know, deodorant!

You need a bath, not a super-powered ant that eats smells!

No, deodorant's a product that masks body odour.

Where am I going to get a bath out here, for heaven's sakes?

-That'll do the trick!

-Oh, sorry, dear. Did I splash you?

We've lost the scent, sir!

I think your bath worked, there's no sign of them.

Yeah.

Can you... Can you smell...elk?

Elk? What, like a moose?

Yeah. Really healthy elk.

About four years old. Male, definitely a male.

I've never seen any elk in Purley?

It's coming from this direction.

Hello! I can see him, he's a real beauty.

# A moment like this

# Some people wait a lifetime

# For a moment like this... #

Big Howard!

Big Howard, why would there be an elk in a Purley backstreet?

He's probably escaped from one of Surrey's elk farms.

I don't like this, Big Howard, it could be a trap.

I'm going in for a closer sniff.

ELK GRUNTS

Woah, boy, woah, boy, easy now.

Just want to give you a sniff.

Agh!

-Gotcha!

-Aarrrrgh!

Run for your life, Little Howard! Save yourself!

Then save me!

Never leave your scratch and sniff elk magazines lying around, sonny!

We need to extract or recreate the smell you made this morning, by whatever means necessary.

And if I catch you holding in a guff, Johnson will set upon you with her deadly pinkie!

You people are animals.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Takes one to know... Oh!

One thing I have been wondering...

Why?

Well, now that you've signed the Official Secretions Act, I can tell you.

We at UNIF are developing this -

the Guff-Winding Poopertrator!

The world's first long-range, super-strength, stink bomb.

Will Big Howard ever escape from the clutches of UNIF?

What is the smelliest thing in the world? And is it in my wheelie bin?

Because that stinks, it really does.

And now for a commercial.

Oi!

Pipsqueak bum squirt, give us your 'nanas!

Are you constantly getting the bananas you

bought for your dancing monkeys stolen by wayward gorillas?

Then you need little fingers of fury, by studying

Private Johnson's Pinky Fu.

With Pinky Fu, all you need is a little finger to bring down any assailant.

Oh...

Oh, there you are! I've been worried sick!

You don't look very worried.

Can't I read and have a cup of online tea when I'm worried?

UNIF have taken Big Howard prisoner because they think he's created the worst smell in the world.

-We need to rescue him!

-Do we, though?

He might have finally found something he's good at.

It was very smelly, wasn't it?

It smelled like he'd been eating road-kill!

Perhaps, like you, UNIF are trying to find out if Big Howard IS the smelliest thing in the world.

That's it! I'll answer my Big Question!

Finally you're talking sense, leave him there to rot!

Never liked him anyway.

No, if I can find something that is smellier than Big Howard

-and give them that instead, they might let him go!

-Oh, yes.

Forget what I just said, erm...

Let's do that.

His pong reading's only 42%, sir.

He's just not as smelly as he was this morning.

I don't always smell like that!

I must have eaten something that disagreed with my stomach.

Then what we need to find is something that really disagrees with your stomach!

When we've finished, it'll be like an episode of Jeremy Kyle in there!

PHONE RINGS

Secret Underground UNIF Bunker?

-Hello, Big Ears.

-That's Brigadier to you...

Just a minute! How did you get this number? It's top secret!

I just asked Mother to Google "top secret UNIF bunker" for me.

Ah. What do you want?

I want to know, if I could find something smellier than Big Howard,

would you let him go?

-FARTING 'Pardon me.'

-Ooh, his bum burped, Sir, and it's an 8.4.

Oh, good heavens!

OK, boy, if you can find something smellier than him,

and from where I'm standing I doubt that very much,

then we may be able to come to some arrangement.

Right! Mother, we need to find something smellier than Big Howard.

I know just the man!

Well, I need you to make me the worst pong in the world.

I need you to fetch me

some of the nastiest things in the world

so we can extract those smells.

OK, give me the list, Dr Pong!

That's not my name.

But here's a list, good luck.

Hooray! Half a pound of Stinking Bishop,

the stinkiest cheese in all of Great Britain!

The striped polecat avoids predators

by releasing foul-smelling secretions from... urgh.

From there.

Right, that'll do. Oh, poo!

Durians are from South East Asia,

and are so smelly that they are banned from being eaten

on public transport in Singapore!

-I'd leave that off the sign if I were you, mate.

-Thank you.

Wow!

The corpse flower, proper name Amorphophallus titanum

which is ancient Greek for "giant misshapen willy".

HE LAUGHS

Why do these things smell so terrible?

Some of them contain sulphur compounds that will remind you

of rotting eggs, and some of them contain nitrogen materials that smell like rotting fish.

But why would anything want to smell like that?

Some things use their smell to scare off attackers,

like the striped polecat, skunk and bombardier beetle.

Excuse me, have you got any change for the parking meter?

Aaaaargh!

The corpse plant uses its horrible smell to advertise.

Yummy! All you can eat rotting flesh buffet!

It smells of rotting meat to attract meat-eating beetles

and flies so they pollinate it.

And the musk ox smells as horrible as it does

because the female actually finds that smell attractive.

Hey, it's eau de toilet,

wee and armpits by Cristian Oh Dear Oh Dior.

And here it is, the world's most horrible smells in one vial.

A vile vial! Brilliant!

-Let's have a sniff.

-No. Don't have a smell of that yourself.

That's so powerful it will make you sick.

-OK then. Thanks very much Professor Stinkmaker!

-That's not my name.

Hello, the Brigadoon? I have the smelliest pong in the world.

Meet me at the old whoopee cushion factory car park in half-an-hour.

Don't come any closer!

BIG HOWARD FARTS

I'd do what he says if I were you.

I have here the worst smell in the world. I call it "Silent But Deadly".

Take it and let Big Howard go.

OK, Johnson...

Wait a minute! How do I know this is smellier than him?

Er, well, you'll have to take it away and test it.

By which time his stinky posterior

will have fallen into the hands of the enemy!

No, no! I'm going to test it here.

Johnson!

Fetch the Whiffilating machine.

It doesn't work, Sir.

-What?

-Yes, I looked it up on the internet.

It turns out that electronic nose technology isn't that advanced yet.

It seems the Whiffilator is just a large prop

in the shape of a nose that beeps randomly.

Why do I buy things off online auction sites?!

-There's only one thing for it! Johnson.

-Sir.

-Grab the boy!

Children's noses are more sensitive than adults. We'll test it on him.

No! You leave him alone!

He's just a child, Sir!

An annoying child.

Put your gas mask on!

No.

No, I won't let you do it.

Don't make me use it.

Not the pinky!

I'm your commanding officer!

You've gone too far this time, Sir.

Put the vial on the ground.

While I was finding out about the Whiffilator, I discovered

the American Army already did all this research in World War II.

They developed an artificial smell called 'Who Me'.

The plan was that French Resistance fighters would spray it at German troops to lower their morale.

A recent study has shown that "Who Me"

is officially the whiffiest honk known to man.

What did it smell of?

Pooh, mainly.

-Classic!

-Did it work?

No. It stank, but the sprays weren't very accurate so the people spraying

ended up honking as badly as the German soldiers.

Smell warfare

is a stupid idea.

And I've begun to suspect that UNIF doesn't exist at all, and

that you've made it up because you like shouting and sniffing things.

How dare you!

For Conk And Country!

Run for it, chaps!

See? It's not too bad.

It does sort of... sneak up on you.

You're a woman!

Oh, for goodness sake.

That's quite a stink you caused, Little Howard.

-Little Howard?!

-Yeah!

Me and GP Godfrey Guff-Trapper...

That is not my name.

We mixed a drop of Stinking Bishop, some smelly fruit,

a bit of polecat musk, some scrapings of a flower

that smells of rotting flesh and Bob's your very smelly uncle!

There's just one thing I'd like to know, Little Howard.

Why are you so interested in smells?

I mean you don't even have a nose.

Well, that's why I am interested, you see.

# I don't have a nose it kinda blows

# I think it stinks but can't tell

# That's why we need a sense of smell

# I don't have a nose so how do I smell?

# Not as bad as him, I tell them

# That's how it goes and it's just as well

# Admit defeat But don't smell them

# Smelling can tell a friend from a stranger

# Can help with the work of a flower arranger

# Can find you a mate but it can estrange her

# If you have a nose then what I propose is

# Don't go and waste it, holy noses!

# Get in the garden and smell all the roses

# If they smell of horse pooh then go smell the posies

# Smell those holy roses now. #

Go and smell 'em. Give a sniff, go on.

Oh, they smell crackin'.

# A smell it can warn you of danger

# It can help with the work of a Power Ranger

# It can smell a baby But it cannot change her!

# If you have a nose

# Then what I propose is

# Don't go and waste those holy noses

# Get in the garden and smell all the roses

# If they smell of horse pooh then douse them with hoses

# Use those holy noses now! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

BIG HOWARD FARTS

Sorry, everyone.