How Can I Make Big Howard Famous? Little Howard's Big Question

Practising ping pong is paying off, Big Howard!

You actually hit the ball... twice!

If swallowing it once counts...

Well, my belt keeps undoing itself... I need to get a new one.

OMG! It's Little Howard!

Can I have your autograph please!?

-What name should I put?

-Put your name.

I can't believe it! Little Howard off Big Howard Little Howard!

-Would you like me to sign that as well?

-Who are you?

I'm Big Howard off Big Howard Little Howard.

Never heard of ya. Thanks Little Howard off Big Howard Little Howard!

I'm sure she did know who you are, she was probably just star-struck.

I'm just not as famous as you Little Howard.

You got some fan mail this morning written in big red letters.

That was a gas bill...

I don't want to be mobbed all the time by mad fans.

HORN BLARES

I! Little Howard have come up with another of my Bi-i-i-ig Questions!

-How Can I Make Big Howard Famous?!

-Nothing bad happened to me...

ZIPPING

Oh, dear...

No, please, this better not end up on the internet, you little scamp.

Oh, dear...

HORN BLARES

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys

# We'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more! # Thank you very much!

MAN: Cut! Can we send the body doubles in, please.

That's my body double?! He doesn't look anything like me!

We thought as no-one ever recognizes you anyway it wouldn't matter.

Well, that's just nons...

Big Howard, I need to have a word with you.

That doesn't prove anything.

Yes! I know it's not appropriate behaviour for a CBBC personality.

Oh, dear, is fat-legs getting a rollocking?

No, he's being told off.

Someone put a film of his trousers falling down on the internet,

and the head of CBBC is foaming at the mouth.

I'm so sorry, Mr Brush.

I won't do it again, and I hope the foaming clears up...

-BUZZING

-Oh, he's gone.

Where is he?!

Where's my little gold mine!?

Roger? What are you doing here?

-I'm your agent, I'm always dropping by.

-You never "drop by".

I do. Usually when you're out, or, when you're asleep.

Come 'ere, ya PR genius!

-Ow... Who? Me?

-PR?

-Pr? Mother, what's 'pr'?

PR stands for Public Relations -

it helps famous people get even more fame and approval!

-Why's the microwave making a noise?

-That's our computer, Roger.

Famous? Big Howard is...famous?

He is, since about half an hour ago! The world's gone Big Howard crazy!

The phone hasn't stopped! It rang for so long I answered it,

which isn't like me at all!

But...how?

Your trouser antics are now officially

the most sensational internet sensation on the internet!

I'm afraid the pigeon is right.

It seems your slacks-down panty flash

has already got five million hits on the home video site YouBend.

-Five million?!

-Six million.

-You said five million.

That was five seconds ago.

-Seven million now.

-I don't believe it!

Brilliant! We answered my Big Question a lot quicker than usual!

That's how I can make you famous! Humiliating you in public!

Take my advice... You need to get yourself an agent, Big Howard!

Roger, you are my agent, you haven't got me work for eight years.

Oh. Well, good! Cuts down on paperwork. Stick with me, Biggy...

Can I call you Biggy?

-No.

-Stick with me, Biggy!

There's a lot of unscrupulous people

-who'll exploit you.

-Arrgh!

I don't want you to get exploded by a poo-louse, Big Howard!

Unscrupulous means, without morals.

And "exploit" means taking advantage of someone.

Yeah, like ya fat calculator says, But I won't let them exploit you!

Aw, thanks, Roger, please don't call me...

Because I'm going to exploit you so unscrupulously

no-one else will get a look in!

This is your moment, you're going to be a megasta-ar!

'So if you want to avoid a Big Howard style Big Trouser Trauma,

'belt up... with a belt from Bob's Belts.'

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

'Amuse your friends and complete strangers with the new,

'Big Howard's endorsed

-'Self-Dropping Trousers!

-WHISTLE

'Big Howard endorsed self-dropping trousers!

'Swanee whistle sound effects sold separately.'

Fancy a game of table tennis?

I can't. TV's Holly Willoughby is coming to interview me.

-Fetch me a glass of purified water, would you?

-OK.

Make sure it's in a cut-glass tumbler at 21 degrees centigrade.

-Right-o.

-And two slices of lemon, cut lengthways, please!

-Erm...

And a bowl of M'n'Ms, Smarties and Skittles

with all the colouring licked off...

by a baby seal I think.

-I've had enough of this... Get it yourself.

-I can't possibly!

-My feet are killing me.

-Good, they'll save me the bother.

I can always adopt a cartoon boy from Malawi, you know!

Argh!

What's up with you, Sulky Simon? Bat poo in your casserole?

I can't believe you're putting me through this!

Ever since I made Big Howard famous, I've hardly seen him.

And when I do he acts like a twonk.

Oh, no! Everyone! Help me!

I've snagged my kimono!

Well, he's got a lot to cope with now he's famous.

I apprehended a stalker this morning.

She's tied up in the back garden!

It's OK, it's OK I've un-snagged my kimono!

Big Howard's got a stalker?!

Ah... that's not a stalker that's TV's Holly Willoughby.

You tied up Holly Willoughby! Argh!

'Get less big with Big Howard's trouser-drop workout,

'drop a trouser size by dropping your trousers. It might work!'

'Please note that product will not work.'

-MAN:

-Boo! Did your mum make you those pants? Rubbish.. Get off...

-Put them back on!

-Get off the stage.

Seriously, mate, is that all you do?

Bad news, Biggy.

Your video has dropped in popularity.

The latest internet sensation is a duck that quacks along

to Miley Cyrus songs.

I think that's actually Miley Cyrus.

-Stupid quacking duck!

-Language.

Any untalented looser can become famous!

Don't knock it.

All it means is we have to think up new ways to keep you famous!

Ummm... I could. Mm...

-Quicker than that.

-Erm...

-Chop chop.

-I... I...

-It's your own time you're wasting.

Ooh! I could write a no holds barred, reveal-all,

-kiss and tell life story!

-Could you though?

Mrs Slough was my favourite teacher, but Mr Franks was an oily bumchin.

He said my handwriting was too scruffy,

but now I'm famous, so ner-ner-ne-ner-ner.

Ner... My geography teacher...

Oi! Is this just about your teachers?

No. In the next chapter I move on to my aunties.

Give me strength!

OK, so the book didn't work...at all.

How about doing a musical pop single downloadable pop-cast download?

# Faaaaamous

# We're so Faaaaamous...

# And we're shameless... #

MUSIC STOPS OK, Biggy.

Can we go back to the chorus, and this time,

can you just sing it better?

I... I can't work under these conditions!

That's it, I'm having a showbiz strop!

Oi, shorthouse. Why the face like a slapped pig?

Big Howard hardly even talks to me any more!

Aww, well that's only because you're not as famous as him,

and you're dragging him down like a sack of cold poo

hanging off a hot-air balloon!

Aww, thanks, Roger. I hadn't thought of it like... Hey!

Well, with a bit of Roger magic,

I might be able to get your friend back by making you as famous as him!

That would be great...

But how?

I know, Reality TV!

With these guys, look!

'The artist Andy Warhol said,

'One day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes."

'He was being facetious, but here on the Endless Reality Channel.

'we think it's a great idea!'

They've pledged everyone will have a 15-minute Reality show

by the end of the decade!

Brilliant!

-If you get enough viewers they

-give you your own spin-off series!

We'll need a nicer house,

and something for them to get their teeth into, like...

celebrity girlfriends!

Hello, madam, this is internet sensation

Big 'Whoops There Go My Trousers' Howard.

Would you like to be my celebrity girlfriend?

Oh, go on. OK, well if doesn't work out with Brad...

Well, there's no need for language like that, dear!

And she calls herself Posh...

Marilyn Monroe's dead?!

But I saw her on telly the other day... Oh, I see...

What do you mean Thelma off of Scooby Doo isn't real?!

So who solves all the mysteries, cos I know it isn't the dog?!

Oh, I'm never going to find an eternal soul mate

who can get me guaranteed publicity!

There is one person we haven't tried.

-Who? Who is it?!

-Oh, no it'll never work. She's your ex-girlfriend.

Don't leave me hanging?! Who is it?!

You don't have many ex-girlfriends, Big Howard...

And last time her and Little Susan tried to nick your act!

Give us a clue at least!

-Unbelievable.

-Who is it?

Animal, mineral or vegetable, come on!

'That was "Maureen Does The Ironing!"

'Now on "Endless Reality", some more losers.'

-Morning, poo face.

-Please don... Oh, you could have made an effort!

It's a reality show, and this is what I look like in the morning,

-in reality.

-Hi, guys!

-Hey!

-Little Howard!

-Hurrah! Little Susan!

I thought we'd pop round to your house for breakfast,

-cos we're really good friends!

-Yeah!

-Hey, guys, who'd like a bowl of new Fibo Clumps?

-What?

New delicious, juicy lumps fibre of goodness?

-Like roughage flakes?

-They give me the squits.

This is going to be great fun!

-Let's play Lob-Veg!

-What's lob v...? Ouch!

I've signed a contract saying we'll eat a bowl of new Fibo Clumps twice.

I knew this was a bad idea... You can stick your...

-Asparagus coming through!

-Oh!

You little... THEY ARGUE

Oh, no! They're arguing!

We'll never get our own spin-off reality show at this rate!

People will be turning off in their droves!

People are turning on in their droves!

The viewing figures are going through the roof!

It turns out people like watching other people arguing!

Your 15-minute show was a smash hit,

-and the channel wants to commission a series!

-Oh, Brilliant.

-But, we just argue all the time!

-No we don't.

Don't eat those, they're plastic.

But...this bit isn't on telly.

It's reality TV! Everything's fake, duckling.

Darling.

Fallen for the old Pigeon charm, have we?

Well, get a load of this!

So what is it the public like about us so much, Roger?!

Oh, don't you worry about that, just enjoy your new show!

Oh, and, Biggy, a word please.

Please don't call me Biggy.

Listen, Biggy, it's a shame you and Tall Susan aren't getting along.

-OK, I will try to be nice to her.

-Oh, good.

Because she went into the diary room and said your mum

was a sour-faced old trout who smells of eggs.

My mum is not a...

Well she doesn't smell of eggs!

So that's the way she wants to play, is it? Right!

Right. Who's next? Tall Susan, can you pop in here a sec.

Heh-heh-heh-heh!

BIG BROTHER STYLE MUSIC

GEORDIE ACCENT: 'Day 1 At Home With Big Howard And Tall Susan

'In Their Real Home, Honestly. And the housemates

'are starting to really get on each other's nerves! Brilliant!'

Arghhh! Little Howard!

Did you just throw a box...

of new nutritious and delicious Fibo Clumps at my head?!

No! I'm upstairs having another poo!

It could be any one of the 20 crew members that are pretending

-not to be in our pretend living room!

-Ssh!

Well, it must have been Little Susan! Little Susan!

You do not blame Little Susan!

It's your cartoon child who lobs marrows at people! It's your...

Don't poke me, don't poke me. I will not be poked. Ow!

TOILET FLUSHES Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!

'Day 3 - Little Howard is talking candidly to Little Susan.

'I hope one of them cries!'

Isn't being famous brilliant?

No. Big Howard just spends all his time with Tall Susan.

They just shout and make pixellated hand gestures at each other.

That's the price we have to pay for being famous. Everyone's

talking about us and we're in all the...cheapest newspapers.

I'd rather just have a game of ping pong with my best friend.

But you know the TV people won't let us have a ping pong table

in the house for health and safety reasons.

He's too busy trying to stay a 'celebrity' anyway.

I've had enough of this.

I'm going home.

But won't you be lonely without Big Howard?

I shouldn't think so, I'll have MOTHER and...

yes, it will be rubbish.

But it's better than this fake house with fake food

and a big fake Big Howard.

I'll see you later, Little Susan. Give him this for me, will you?

Fantastic! A walkout! This is going to send

viewing figures stratospheric! I'm rich!

I'm LEGALLY rich!

-Big Howard, there's a letter on the table for you.

-Ah!

More fan mail!

-LITTLE HOWARD'S VOICE:

-'Dear Big Howard,

'by the time you read this, I will be at the bus stop.

'Or I'll be on the bus.

'Or I'll have got off the bus.

'It really depends on what time you read this.

'Big Howard, you are my best friend in the whole world,

'but recently you have been acting like a great big twonk.

'I know that being famous is important to you,

'and it seems to make you happy, in a miserable sort of way.

'So good luck with your new mega-star life.

'There's a game of ping pong with your name on it

'waiting for you in Purley, if you ever want it.

'Your best friend,

'Little Howard.'

-Oh, who's that from?

-Didn't you hear?

It's from Little Howard, he recorded the voiceover before he left.

He's gone!

This is dynamite!

Under no circumstances should anyone interrupt it... Oh, feathers.

He's gone!

What am I going to do?

Milk it, love. This is your big emotional moment!

Cry. Go on! Cry buckets! Then design another cartoon sidekick,

one who's better looking, more trendy

and who can dance like an American.

'But...Little Howard is my best friend!'

'Was, Biggy, was. What's more important,'

eh? "Friendship" or faaaaame?

I'm sorry, Little Howard...

Oh, Big Howard!

CHANGES CHANNEL

'Reality Television star Big Howard has sensationally walked off the set

'of "At Home With Big Howard And Tall Susan In Their Real Home Honestly"

'in a "dramatic and emotional" scene.'

Oh, brilliant(!)

I've lost my best friend,

and now the news can't even get my size right.

I'm Little Howard not Big Howard.

-<

-Big Howard walked out as well.

Oh, fantastic! Now I'm going mad!

-The TV's talking to me with Big Howard's voice?

-No, it isn't.

-I'm here.

-And now I can see him! I must be going clean out...

Big Howard! What are you doing here?

Roger edited what I said at the end.

What I really said was...

"Sorry, Little Howard, for acting like such a twonk."

I then went on to give a very emotional,

but admittedly rather long speech

about how friendship is much more important than fame.

He edited it down to just, "Sorry, Little Howard,"

in the edit, and then tried to convince me to stay

but I finally worked out what's important.

Come here.

I've been thinking, this might come as a bit of a shock,

but I reckon Roger might have been trying to exploit us!

The clues were there, Big Howard. Remember when he started singing

his own version of the song while we were shooting our pop video?

-Oh, yeah...

-'Hello! Welcome to The Best

'Of At Home With Big Howard And Tall Susan In Their Real Home Honestly,

'which we'll have to do for the rest of the series,

'because they've both naffed off. So here's a song they did ages ago,

'if I'm honest, but frankly I don't care. Just play it. Play it!'

-ALL:

-# Famous!

# We are famous! You can name us!

# But could you name us This time tomorrow?

# Famous!

# We're so famous!

# And we're shameless

# About bleeding it dry Cos there's no tomorrow

# This is your moment Your 15 minutes

# Grab it with both your hands

# Do everything That your fame demands

# Yes, this is your moment Your slice of the pie

# Give it all that you've got

# They will only want it When it's hot!

# It's amazing how quickly It all turns to smoke

# One day you are famous The next you're a joke

# One minute you're someone The next you're that bloke

# This is your moment! Hold on to your moment!

# You must woo your public You have to convince her

# If you don't then he will She'll not be a spinster

# There's plenty more people To put through the mincer

# Is this your moment? You can't miss your moment!

# Famous! We are famous!

# You can name us!

# But could you name us This time tomorrow?

# This is your moment Before they shout "next!"

# Before you're evicted By phone or by text

# Before you're at home And alone and perplexed

# Thinking, "Was that my moment?" "Did I miss my moment?"

# Famous!

# We think we're famous

# But you're nameless

# Puppet master Is getting all your money!

# Famous

# We're so famous

# And I'm shameless About chewing you up

# To stay on the top!

# It wasn't your moment In fact it was mine

# I have been in charge

-# All of the time!

-Famous

# We're so famous aa-aa

# Aaaah! #

Have I said too much?

I never could resist a catchy tune and a soliloquy.

I'm really quite surprised that we didn't notice that at the time.

-He really is a bit of a...

-Un-screwed

-poo-louse.

-No, you...

No, actually no, fair enough.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.