X Marks the Dot Lockie Leonard

MUSIC: "Worlds Away" by Jebediah

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# It was just enough to get that far away! #

'My little brother was on a mission to sort out my love life.

'I didn't ask him to do this. He just butted right in.'

Dot? Remember me? Philip Leonard - Lockie's brother.

Got a minute? I'd like to talk to you about you and Lockie.

'Technically, Dot and I weren't anything yet,

'but Philip thought we needed a kick along.'

Can we get ice cream, not cream, on those iced chocolates? Thank you.

I'll be sitting at my usual table. ..Take a seat, Dot.

'It all started the last day of the Easter holidays.

'I'd wanted to spend it at the beach. Mum had other ideas.'

-Not a hair out of place.

-'Family photo time in the shopping centre,

'where we paid some "professional" to take a photo of us standing

'against some backdrop of a desert which none of us had ever been to.

'It seemed like everyone else in Angelus had the same idea.

'We were on our best behaviour, for Mum's sake.

'Philip didn't last five minutes in that queue.

-'While we stood in line, he went looking for something to do.'

-So...

The question on everyone's lips.

Lockie - do you like him?

-He's a little...

-Weird?

-Yeah.

He gave me this T-shirt, and then nothing.

-I haven't seen him since.

-Hmm.

Lockie's way of saying he really likes you.

-I've never had a boyfriend before.

-That's OK.

Lockie's never had a girlfriend that lasted longer than a day. So...

How would you feel about kissing him?

I've never really kissed anyone.

-Maybe.

-Maybe yes or maybe no?

Maybe yes.

Excellent.

'Meanwhile, things were going from bad to worse.'

Lockie, come here! Oh, you've got Vegemite all over your face!

'Why does my mother's spit always taste of fish paste?'

Please! There are people watching!

-Who was that, dear?

-Dot Cookson - Lockie's girlfriend.

-Philip! She's not my girlfriend.

-You gave her a T-shirt!

That screams girlfriend to me in capital letters.

-You should've told us you had a girlfriend.

-I don't! She's not!

She's just a girl who happens to be my friend!

-Tell her that tomorrow when you meet up.

-Eh?!

-Five o'clock, at the Wind Farm.

-What's happening at the Wind Farm?

Lockie's kissing Dot.

PEOPLE WHISPER: Lockie's Kissing Dot.

'There was nothing I could do - the word was out.

'And once it was, it spread like wildfire.'

Attention! Attention! Lockie's kissing Dot!

Attention! Attention! Lockie's kissing Dot!

Lockie's kissing Dot!

-Lockie's kissing Dot!

-(What?!)

Tomorrow, 5 o'clock!

On the dot.

Citizens of Angelus, Lockie's kissing Dot!

My children are all growing up.

Family hug.

Now!

If that is what happens when you grow up, I'd rather eat dead fish.

This is even worse than we thought.

-The river's dying.

-I know how it feels.

We've gotta step this up, make more people notice what's happening.

-Organise a protest or something.

-I could hide!

Find a big, dark cave and stay there till it blows over!

Why would kissing a girl make you wanna hide in a cave?

Kissing a girl in front of 40 billion people.

Wow! There's been a sudden population explosion in Angelus.

OK, so you freaked out, because you're kissing her in public.

40 billion people gawking on. Yeah, wouldn't you?

I'd put up with it. Maybe you need to find a different place.

Somewhere quiet, private.

What's that?

Come on.

Some kind of rusty, tunnely, pipey looking thing.

Oh, gross!

Mega-gross.

-Wow!

-What is it?

Wow!

-Where are we going?

-We're gonna have a word with the factory boss.

-Good idea! What are you gonna say?

-That we have concerns.

Environmental concerns, concerning the factory and its toxic pipe.

Can I help you, boys?

-We have concerns.

-Do you now?

-We would like to talk to your boss.

Aren't you the kid that's gonna kiss Dot?

-Lockie's.

-Kissing.

-Dot.

Please, this is important.

Clear off, Romeo, before I call the cops! Come on, beat it, boys!

And the pipe leads all the way from the river to the factory.

-Mm-hm?

-I bet it's illegal. We have to shut it down or something.

Mum, Egg and I were thinking.

We could organise a public meeting here next week.

That's nice, dear.

Fish are dying, Mum, and all you can say is "nice"?

-Maybe we could have a roast.

-For the rally? Yeah!

-I hadn't thought about food!

-Rally? What rally?

No, I was talking about Sunday lunch.

You could ask your girlfriend over. What's her name? Dot?

Sarge and I would love to have her.

Oh...

13 years old.

It seems like only yesterday you were born.

'Who said being 13 was so cool?

'I remember that being three was pretty topnotch.

'Lots of food, no school to worry about, and no female issues.'

Quick, family hug. BOY CRIES

Now!

'Then, just when I thought it was safe to go into the water...'

Dot, what are you doing here?

'Here was my chance! Kiss her now! Get it over with!'

So...

So...back to school tomorrow. Bummer, eh?

-Yeah.

-It's not so bad as far as schools go.

Actually, it's a shocker.

Wait till you meet Old Squasher, our maths teacher.

Worst of the bunch as far as teachers go.

I hope your algebra's up to scratch.

-Alge-what?

-Bra.

-As in equations.

-Equations? Isn't that all high school stuff?

'Cue music that sums up horrible sinking feeling in tummy.'

Remind me, you'll be going to Angelus High.

-Right?

-Angelus Primary.

-As in...primary primary.

As in the place you go before high school?

So you would be how old, exactly?

I'll be 12 in August.

PEOPLE WHISPER: Dot's only 11!

-Dot's only 11!

-Dot's only 11!

L = 13 x 365!

Dot's only 11.

And D = 11 x 365!

Attention! Dot is only 11!

And what is the age difference between L and D in days?

ALL: 720 days!

I've...I've gotta go. See you at the Wind Farm tomorrow.

'No! She's only 11?! How is that possible?!'

So what if there's an age gap?

I'm not kissing a primary school kid! This is all your fault.

It doesn't affect my relationship with Lisa.

You haven't got a relationship with Lisa!

Ten years down the track, you'll be 22, Dot'll be 20.

-No big deal there.

-I won't still be going out with Dot when I'm 22!

-You're dropping her? You haven't even kissed her!

-I'm not going to!

You shouldn't have told the whole planet that I was!

-When you gave Dot the T-shirt, you thought she needed new clothes?

-No!

OK...I admit.

I like her.

So you gotta kiss her.

-Says who?

-I don't make the rules.

Everyone will know me as Lockie Leonard, cradle snatcher,

hanging out with a primary school kid 720 days younger.

Back out now and you'll be known as something a heap worse.

'High school - it was good for two things.

'One, it lacked primary schoolers.

'Which meant, from the hours from 9 to 3.15,

'I was free from having to deal with the Dot factor.

'And two, Admin had a killer photocopying machine.

'Saving the environment was a great way to forget about my problems.

'Not that they were going away. Philip had seen to that.'

EGG WHISTLES

TELEPHONE RINGS

TELEPHONE IS ANSWERED

-Watch out!

-Sorry.

Throwing a protest meeting?

-Yeah.

-Next week.

Save our river.

Good luck.

Shouldn't you be on your way to the Wind Farm?

'By 3.30, my tummy started to feel like it had drunk the Indian Ocean,

'jelly blubbers included.

'The thing is, I didn't mind the idea of kissing Dot,

'but there was another part of me

'that would rather eat Blob's nappies.

'I don't know how you can both really want something

'and really NOT want it.'

The world record for the longest pash is 30 hours,

59 minutes and 27 seconds.

Do you plan to break that? I must know, so I can get more videotapes.

'Philip planned to film my misery.'

Hey, loverboy! THEY CHORTLE

Well?

-I've gotta go.

-What?

You can't!

Egg and I have got to save the environment.

Now.

HE SIGHS So, loverboy's chickened out!

'Boof was right.

'But, if it's any consolation, the river was worth saving.'

-EGG:

-Save our river.

-Save our river.

-Save our river! Save our river.

I can't believe you piked. Dot probably won't turn up anyway.

Nothing worse than a no-show.

You'll be lower than a shark's bum if you don't at least front up.

-Save our river.

-Save our river. Come to the public meeting.

Yeah. Good idea, boys.

About time we did something about that sorry excuse for a waterway.

-So you'll come to the meeting?

-Absolutely.

You can count on me to front up.

Nice to see some people around here have principles.

What time is it?

4.30.

Do you think I've still got time to get to the Wind Farm?

If you take my bike... and you're lucky.

Dot's here!

Glad you could make it.

-Where's Lockie?

-Er...

he had some important stuff to do.

But he'll be with us shortly.

Mind if I film you?

OK, I guess.

No, no, no!

Stay in tight on me, then pull back, take in the locale,

then zoom in on the talent. Got it?

And...roll tape.

We're here today to mark a very special moment,

the first kiss of two of Angelus's hottest grommets, Lockie and Dot.

So, are you planning on breaking the world record today, Dot?

Hey, Lockie's no chicken-guts! We're just heading to the Wind Farm now.

Yeah, and of course I know how to kiss. Why...do you want one?

I wouldn't, Lockie. Wouldn't believe where those lips have been.

Boof kisses mullet.

-I do not!

-I saw you down at Joel's Boat Shed.

You stole a mullet from his nets and put it to your lips...

-Shut your trap, before I shut it for you!

-Suckface.

'Go, Egg! It was beautiful stuff.

'It was also going to get us killed,

'but it was worth it to see the look on Boof's face.'

He's lying! As if I'd kiss a fish!

Losers!

I can't believe you didn't tell me!

I was saving it up.

-Let's get you to the Wind Farm.

-Hang on, I'll just get these pamphlets.

I can't feel them. My arms aren't long enough.

Don't worry. We can print more off.

-If I can just get my head...

-Come on, we're going to be late!

Argh...I'm stuck!

-Hang on, Lockie...what if I pull your legs?

-I can't move my head!

-What'll we do?

-I don't know! Call someone! The ambulance!

The air force! The army! Anyone!

'But Egg had a better idea.'

'Surprisingly, this wasn't as bad as it looks.'

Lockie, you all right in there, mate?

MUFFLED SHOUTS

'There was a strawberry shake in there

'and, best of all, I didn't have to do anything,

'say anything...or kiss anything,

'kind of like a place I'd been a long time ago.'

We're gonna call him Lockie.

Now.

I can stand in for Lockie if you like. I'm quite experienced.

I can angle-grind the side of the bin.

Wouldn't that be risky?

I can try and drill the pop rivets out.

That's my boy in there, I would like to get him out alive.

Is there something you could do that would...not involve such risks?

Life IS a risk!

Just give me five minutes alone with him.

-Dot Cooks and Wind Farm, why the no-show?

-I was going to turn up.

But I got this thing stuck on my head, didn't I?

-Well, do you like her?

-I don't really know her.

-She's in primary school.

-I said...do you LIKE her?

-Yeah, she's hot.

-Well, then, what's all the fuss about?

I've got my head stuck in this.

Oh, your head's definitely been stuck somewhere.

Come on, Lockie, out with it.

What happens after...

Yes?

-After...

-Come on, Lockie, you can do it.

After I...

Kiss her?

Yeah. What do you do then?

-Lockie!

-SHE SIGHS

-I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

-None of us do, love.

We just try and do our best...

..to be as honest as we can with ourselves and...

with each other.

'And I realised I couldn't stay in here forever.

'I had places to be, things to do.

'And besides...I'd finished the thick shake.'

Mum...

Yes, Lockie?

I think I'm ready to come out now.

'In the end, we didn't need angle grinders or drills to get me out.'

Pull harder, Mrs Leonard!

'Mum had this idea of smothering me in dishwashing detergent.

'Apparently it's how you get a ring off if it's stuck on your finger.'

GROANING

ALL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrggghh...

'I slipped out of the bin like a cork out of a bottle

'and Mum got to experience me being born all over again.'

My baby!

'It was good to be out,

-'even if life was more complicated.'

-SQUELCH!

'Eventually the crowds got sick of waiting for the Lockie-and-Dot show

'and went home to watch the telly instead.

'Yeah, Lockie Leonard was a no-show. The lowest of the lows.

'I was always going to bump into Dot sooner or later.

'Angelus is a small town.

'Following her from her house also helped.'

'Yep, tracking her down was the easy bit.

'It was how I was going to make up for my no-show at the Wind Farm.'

'Dot was cool. How many girls do you know

'go hunting through the library for ancient copies of Surfing World?'

Dot! Hi!

'Once again, something weird happened.

'My tongue went all numb and I'd forgotten how to speak.'

You're even weirder than your brother.

'Things hadn't got off to a good start.'

Sorry. For yesterday.

I should have been there, and I wasn't,

and...you know.

Sorry.

Whatever.

Well...I just wanted you to know.

Dot...

wait.

'It was now or never. But I needed a romantic lead-in.

'Something to set the mood. Something smart that showed I had a brain.

'I'm sure Sarge in the same position would have some killer poetry

'but all I could think of was The Man From Snowy River.

'And somehow that didn't feel so right.'

Look! What's that over there?

'OK, so it wasn't a 30-hour pash-a-thon

'and technically I hadn't even connected with her lips.

'But you know what? It didn't even matter.'

'Now we'd kissed, we could get back to the important things in life.'

# Boy, it's breaking

# Underneath the waves of strain, hey-hey-hey

# Hey-hey-hey

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to get that far away. #