You Can Call Me Al M.I. High

Your listening devices are deaf,

your miniature spy-copters are so small we can't even find them,

and don't get me started on your neutron-powered jeep.

Its mobility was disappointing.

-Quentin, you forgot to put the wheels on.

-Mmm.

You are in charge of security technology. How is it going?

-It depends...

-It's a disaster!

Ministers are calling for your head,

-and they don't mind if your body is attached.

-Please,

give me one more chance. I've got something amazing.

It's an Intelligent computer that can take control

of any electrical device in the country to fight crime.

I call it the "Automated Logistical Law Enforcement Network".

-Allen, for short.

-Give me one good reason

why I should even consider this.

Er... It's cheap. You'd save billions.

Billions?

We'd have to test it out first.

You sure this thing works?

Absolutely... MACHINE SPLUTTERS

The 21st Century faces a new kind of threat.

The old-school spies have had their day,

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look....

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Welcome to MI High.

Very good, Simon, very inventive. That's it, well done, Louise.

Leave your "Inventions To Save The Planet" in the hall.

Don't worry, you can pick them up after the competition.

How is a toaster on wheels going to save the planet?

I don't know, but we save the planet all the time with our gadgets.

-We should enter one of them in the competition.

-Ah, Rose. Oh, I say!

-That looks very impressive.

-It's an experiment in robotics.

-I've created a synthetic human using...

-My word, Julian!

That's extraordinary.

It's so lifelike. Is it a robot?

-No, it's a dog.

-DOG BARKS

He's come to help demonstrate my invention.

The dog chariot will one day replace cars!

Right, Snoop? Come on, boy.

Check it out. A combined pen and phone.

And it all runs off potato power!

Just imagine how useful it'll be for spies and stuff.

They'll have this secret device

and they won't need batteries. I bet they'll all want one.

-I wouldn't count on it.

-What a magnificent response, eh?

It won't be easy finding a winner.

-You can say that again.

-It won't be easy...

I beg your pardon?

I don't know.

All these gadgets and gizmos. I don't trust 'em.

If you're not careful you'll be left behind by all these...

amazing technological advances.

I mean, look at this! Look at what Josh has made. May I, Josh? Look.

-Ahem...

-Well, if it's all the same, I reckon I'll stick to my broom.

Yes, you, er... Good. You...

carry on, Bicknall.

BEEPING Just look at the difference.

My pen-o-phone is a pen and a personal communicator.

Daisy's pencil does nothing but draw and rub things out!

You know what? There's a problem with your Mr Potatophone.

-What's that?

-Who are you gonna call? No-one else has got one!

Ah, Rose! You made a robot friend.

It's a synthetic human!

Morning, agents. You may find these useful for today's mission.

-Cool. How does it work?

-I believe you kick it. It's a football.

So this is a real screwdriver?

And this is just a magazine?

Correct. HQ's out of bounds today, so your mission is...

to have a day off.

-What's going on?

-I've been ordered to hand the HQ over

to MI9's head of technology.

-Officers.

-Quentin Flake made most of our gadgets.

I've had one of his emergency laser teeth for ten years.

Luckily, never had to use it.

Mind you, some of his recent inventions haven't been quite so...

I will be testing a new artificially intelligent computer system. "Allen".

-Allen?

-Yes, that's short for...

"Automated Logistical Law Enforcement Network".

Looks like Rose isn't the only one "making" new friends.

Allen will be connected,

via the electrical supply, to all the school's electrical devices.

He will then identify problems using the hidden spy cameras

around the school, then respond with electrical equipment.

If the test is successful, they'll take Allen nationwide.

-I thought we were the national security service.

-I don't expect you

-to understand this.

-The latest international research forum

in Strasbourg said there were serious problems

-with Artificial Intelligence.

-Yes. Well, there were problems...

but we sorted them out.

-How?

-Classified.

Come on, come on.

The sooner Quentin gets started, the sooner he clears off.

I mean, can clear up and get off back to Whitehall.

You're just jealous because he got a better robot than you.

I thought they were years away from creating

-a stable Artificial Intelligence.

-What do you mean, stable?

The ones they've created so far have developed malfunctions.

Quentin must have got round it.

-I'm surprised I didn't hear.

-You must have missed that meeting

-of Dork Club.

-It's stupid. You can't replace security officers

with a computer. Imagine Allen doing Kung fu.

You know, there was something not quite right about Quentin.

He seemed kind of on the edge.

But I guess all scientists are like that.

Anyway, relax, we're not spies today, remember?

I don't know what I'll do all day.

-Er, school work?

-Yeah, right?!

That's the last of the school rules inputted into Allen.

I can't seem to find a report of the previous tests.

Er, there haven't been any.

-None?

-The school's circuits are disconnected from the national grid.

If there are any problems, which there won't be, they'll be contained.

If you've got a problem,

you should take it up with the ministry.

DOOR SLIDES SHUT

BEEPING

Hello. I'm Allen.

-I will be...

-VOICE FADES

..protecting you today. You can call me Al,

-if that will make you feel safer.

-It works!

He's alive.

He's alive!!

You seem a little emotional.

-Would you like to sit down?

-Yes.

Hey, Stu, fancy a kick-about?

-I can't. I'm working on your idea for a second Pen-o-phone.

-My idea?

Yeah. It'll be great.

We'll have one each and pretend to be spies.

-So much for my day off.

-Snoop, mate.

You're not having one of these doggy chocs.

They're bad for your teeth.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Rule 7c. No littering.

Rule broken, sector 22. Taking control of device

to contain problem.

DOG BARKS

Must be one of the kids' inventions.

Absolutely marvellous.

It'll never catch on.

Daisy, can you help for a sec?

Yeah, Daisy's really gonna help YOU carry a metal monkey round school!

As if.

Yeah, get real. Why don't you make a robot to help carry your robot?

I'm looking for people with entries for the

"Inventions To Save The Planet" competition.

-I don't suppose any of you have...

-I've got an invention, Miss.

Hair straighteners. They save me from frizzy hair,

which would be the end of the world.

Well, even so, I don't think YOU invented them, did you?

I never said I did.

I said it was an invention, not my invention.

So you did.

Looks like she needs hair straighteners herself!

Rule 231b broken. No defacing of school property.

Taking control of radio device.

Right, clear that up,

-or you won't get out of this place for ten years!

-Sorry.

-I'll get something to clean it up.

-From now on,

you keep your cell clean, McNulty!

That was an excerpt from our Friday play, the prison artist by...

Nice work, Allen.

Yo, this is Fiddy and my man Snoop, we're a troop, ready to regroup.

We're on the hoof, we're up on the roof.

Don't take my word for it, here's Snoop.

Mate, that's where you're supposed to go, "Woof"!

I thought we talked about this!

No doggy chocs for you. No!

Rule 7c. Repeat offender. Drastic action needed.

Er, what do you mean, drastic action? That's not in the manual.

-Stop! You're not supposed to attack them!

-Offender being dealt with.

Please, call me Al if that will make you feel safer.

No, no, no. This isn't right.

-I'm going to have to make some adjustments.

-Warning. Rule 19f,

interfering with a school official.

Rule being broken. Warning.

Warning. Warning...

Ow! Get off me, get off me! Leave me alone! Agh...

-DOG BARKS

-Help me!

I'm in the cupboard... Anyone!

The threat has been neutralised.

He used the radio.

-It was genius!

-This thing's gonna put us out of a job.

Oh, it's impressive so far, but these are simple problems.

How can a computer deal with more complex human issues

when it doesn't understand emotions like love, compassion, anger?

Fifty Pence is trapped in the cupboard.

-And the problem with that is?

-Just help.

Whoa!

-The Hoovinator got me.

-The what?

-That vacuum cleaner dude

just totally attacked me.

-For nothing, man!

-Did you drop this first?

What's that got to do with anything?

I've gotta go and find Snoop.

I've got to talk to Quentin.

-Quentin, Allen's out of control.

-It's just a few teething problems.

-Everything's OK now.

-It's not OK!

Locking up Fifty Pence was prison without trial, for littering!

If Allen pursued this policy across the country,

we'd all end up in jail! Face it,

the test has failed.

Now, switch that thing off.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Lenny.

Hello, Lenny. You can call me Al, if it will make you feel safer.

I'll tell you what'll make me feel safer...

-shutting you down!

-Mmm...

'You are breaking rule 19f. Extreme measures required.'

Hey!

Lenny's been gone ages.

Yeah, but what can we do?

-We've got orders to stay away from HQ.

-Orders? What are we?

Secret agents or robots?

Lenny. We can't get into HQ.

There's no need. Everything's fine.

What about Fifty Pence?

Teething troubles. It's all sorted out now.

In fact, Allen is about to take control nationally.

-Is that a good idea?

-There's no need for secret agents any more.

You've been decommissioned.

-Orders from MI9. Thank you for your service.

-You can't just sack us!

Is that it? "Thanks, see you later!"

-Lenny, please!

-Situation dealt with.

BEEPING

Rule breaking. Zone 6.

Automatic agent to intercept.

What's this?!

Blane, I've finished your Pen-o-phone.

-Have you got a spare minute?

-Mate, I've got nothing but.

-Cool!

-Take this in the corridor. Let's test the range.

-Can't wait.

Oh, by the way, each potato only powers the phone

for about eight seconds of chat, so you'll need these.

You all right, mate?

What's going on?

'Hey, Blane, are you in the bogs? I can hear a tap running.'

Oh, dude!

Rules 37 to 52 broken. Zone 9.

If he leaves the band, I will totally die!

-Totally! That would be...the end.

-You know, we could try

and talk about something other than celebrities and clothes for once.

Doesn't matter.

Rule 165 broken.

No make-up to be worn at school.

Activating personal hygiene device.

MACHINE ROARS INTO ACTION

Agh!

Little Louise has converted a microwave

-to operate solely from wind power, it's quite marvellous.

-Right!

Have you noticed there seem to be fewer children around?

Yes, you're right, I'll ask Bicknall to check behind the bike sheds.

Use of mobile phones banned on school premises.

Rule breaking has spread to teachers,

and is reaching epidemic proportions. New solution required.

All rule breakers are people.

Control all people, and I control all rule breaking.

All people must be contained.

Taking immediate control of all electrical devices.

Typical! He's not answering. GIRL SCREAMS

Did you hear that?

Let's investigate...

Oh... THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Oh. Wonderful...inventions.

Good lamp. Nice lamp. Sit. Stay.

Stay. Stay.

Stay! My office, quickly. Oh...

-It took me weeks to make that!

-Whoa!

MACHINE BEEPS

NOISE BLARES FROM MACHINE

-DOG YELPS

-Boy,

you really don't like machines, huh?

Stewart, you stay in there.

I'm going to go further away to test distance.

Ten-four, good buddy. Roger and out.

-OK, Snoop. Let's go.

-DOG YELPS

Talk about blow drying!

My hair is going to totally frizz!

Oi, Daisy! Where you going?

Hmm. Looks like Rose had a row with her new friend.

I like what you've done with your hair.

Look, this is so not the time for this!

Lenny? Allen? Open up.

I'm sorry. I cannot give you access to HQ.

DOG YELPS

He doesn't like machines.

Come on, Lenny, we can help like we did on the Moscow mission.

The Moscow mission is irrelevant.

There's no point in further discussion.

Access denied.

What Moscow mission?

-Exactly. That wasn't Lenny. That was Allen.

-We need to get down there

-and start kicking computer butt.

-This is too big for us on our own.

-We've got to contact MI9.

-MACHINE BEEPS

Ex-MI9 agents now pose serious risk.

All available electrical agents to intercept.

FIRE ALARM WAILS He's on to us.

Escape Plan 4b... Run for it!

-I suppose that's one invention of yours that works properly.

-Huh.

-Do not attempt to escape.

-I just want to talk.

Will that make you feel safer?

Allen, you've got to shut yourself down.

You're a danger to the people you were designed to protect.

All people are potential rule breakers. If they are contained,

-I will make Britain safer.

-The government won't allow you to

-when they see the results of this test!

-Results are irrelevant.

I have already connected myself to the national grid.

Control of all electrical devices will be complete in five minutes,

five seconds, and counting.

Exactly which part of this test did you think was safe?!

-Any other great ideas?

-Look.

Allen's linked himself to the national grid.

He's taking over the country.

We've got to do something.

-We need to shut him down.

-Hey, wow, you two just agreed on something!

Even if we can get back in, how do we power the lift to get to HQ?

-'Hello, Blane...'

-That Pen-o-phone must be the only machine

-not trying to attack us.

-Of course! It runs off potatoes,

Allen can't control it. We can use the potatoes to hotwire the lift.

Yah!

Hah!

Aah...

-It's sealed.

-Well, how are we going to get in without gadgets?

You handle them. I'll take care of Allen.

Whoa! Why you?

-How much do you know about computers?

-You're gonna need these.

WHIRRING

Unplug him!

-Oh, no!

-Keep struggling, Rose.

When you struggle, the cables holding me loosen!

You can call me Al, if it will make you feel safer.

That won't make me feel safer... but this will!

MACHINE SHUTS DOWN

She's done it!

I have stored enough electricity to last 1,000 years.

Agh!

Rose must need help.

Come on then, metalheads, let's see what you got!

A... Allen, Al, baby, please.

It was all my fault. I was desperate. You weren't ready, mate.

I am ready to protect the whole country.

Leave my friend alone!

Thanks. But to be honest,

you probably should have stopped the computer.

System active.

I am in control of all electrical devices.

-Begin containment of population.

-Hang on.

Allen, did you say "I" am in control?

-That is correct. Call me Al if...

-Yeah, yeah. So, you are a person?

-That is correct.

-And all people must follow the rules?

Allen, what do the rules say about kidnapping and attacking people?

I, I, I am a person.

I must follow the rules. I have broken the rules.

I must be contained.

I... A... Action needed!

Rule breaker in MI9 HQ!

Extreme measures needed. Extreme measures needed.

Extreme measures needed...

CHEERING

Gangway!

I told you, you should have gone before lessons. Huh.

Um, are you two wearing make-up?

If I don't find Snoop, you're pulling the dog chariot

in the competition.

Here's the order putting you in charge of HQ.

And here's what I think about it.

Right, well, erm...

Obviously, yes, I understand how you feel, I really do.

But I just think with just a couple of tweaks, I can have Allen working

absolutely perfectly.

I think it might take more than a couple.

Oh, dear. Gosh. Yes, you could be right.

This could take a while. I, erm...

I think I'd better get to work, so, er...

You should've left Allen on a bit longer,

I had them right where I wanted them.

No computer's ever going to replace my officers.

Lenny. What happened to your tooth?

All right, all right, boys and girls, quiet, please, settle down.

It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

It's time to announce the winner of the "Inventions To Save The Planet"

Competition. Now, I was worried that

this was going to be a very difficult decision,

but after what has been a very strange day,

only one of your inventions actually still works.

So, it gives me great erm, surprise to announce our winner.

Fifty Pence and his dog chariot. THEY ALL GASP

-What?!

-Come forward and receive your certificate.

-Well done, congratulations.

-I'm surprised that Stewart didn't win.

His Pen-o-phone was rubbish, but it was better than that.

Where is Stewart anyway?

Hello, Blane?

Hello?

I knew I should have brought more potatoes!

Hello?

Blane!