Nano Nits M.I. High

So, Mr...Bailey,

what makes you think you could be a SKUL agent?

Well, I've tried everything.

Lollipop man, librarian, shoving the stuffing up chickens.

And I thought, "Hang on. Why not try...Master Criminal?"

I've got the look. And I've got the rabbit.

Say hello, Mr Tiddles. "Hello."

I'd be perfect!

HE SCREAMS

Next! Who is next, Flopsy?

Nora Braithwaite.

I hear you're hiring for a bank raid.

The biggest bank raid in the history of...

And I hear that so far you haven't recruited anybody.

-MR BAILEY:

-Ooh, your cellar's a bit warm!

Thankfully, I have a way to find younger, less frazzled SKUL agents.

A way to "re-educate" schoolchildren.

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

The old school spies have had their day,

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain would think to look.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Welcome to MI High.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Miss, what's going on?

Haven't you seen the news?

There's a nit outbreak! Schools everywhere have been hit by nits.

Ew! Nits? The things totally gross kids who never wash get?

Actually, nits prefer clean hair. Yours'd be perfect.

You!

-Give me that!

-Daisy!

Oi, what you doing pushing Stewart around?

Checking him for nits.

Wouldn't be able find 'em anyway, not in your mophead.

-RADIO:

-'News just in, there's a nit outbreak at Hatherway High School.

'I'm sure they're just itching to tell everyone.'

Oi, Critchley! Hatherway High School. Now!

Stew, what you doing?

There's a 15-mile nit-free zone around St Hope's.

Until the nits enter it, we're safe.

I meant, what are you doing letting them boss you around?

-Mind of your own?

-You can't push people around forever, Julian.

Have a think what you want to do with your life.

And we can confirm a report of yet

another nit outbreak, this time at Monseniors Academy.

Monseniors?

That's inside the exclusion zone.

PANICKED SHOUTING

Wow. Imagine if Lenny got nits.

HE WINCES IN PAIN

Don't worry. Routine operation on the old war wound.

Suits you, Grandpa.

All kinds of top-level communication and security systems

are being scrambled across Britain.

Leaving national defence open to attack?

These are the affected areas. The police, emergency services,

the army are all unable to function properly.

Must be some sort of interference.

MI9 want you to study the data, find out where it's coming from.

I'm guessing that's no ordinary pencil case.

A body scanner, to pick up any scrambling devices

concealed on a person.

No devices. No brain.

There's been another report of interference, not far from here.

-It's near Monseniors.

-Monseniors? Give me a minute.

I've got a theory.

Come on, Critchley, faster!

The nits are on the rampage!

-They're nits, not elephants.

-I'd rather have

elephants in my hair any day.

-What?

-And who said you could speak?

Get a move on!

The communication breakdowns are in the same areas that have nits?

That's your theory?

I'm cross-referencing the schools on Stewart's map.

They've all been treated by Nit Solutions.

-You want to bring Nit Solutions to St Hope's?

-How?

We don't have a nit problem.

Hi, Ginger, it's Lenny.

Gadgets department.

Got a bit of a strange request.

MI9 has delivery jets?

Cool.

They're nits, all right. So which one of us is going to, you know?

You can forget about it, no way!

Nits are disgusting, and so are you for even thinking about it!

Look, Rose needs to figure out

how communications got scrambled. I'll do it.

Ew, that is so gross!

All right, ugly, you know the drill.

NITS!

SCREAMING, WARNING SIREN SOUNDS

Warning, we have an infected person in the area!

Do not go near Blane Whittaker!

Repeat, do not go near Blane Whittaker!

Blane Whittaker? Don't you mean Blane Nittaker?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, Blane Nit...

Blane Nit...

Nittaker?!

LAUGHTER

The blue dots are the banks we plan to rob. The red dots, nearby schools.

Hatherway. Monseniors. Puh!

They don't sound like criminal hotbeds, do they, Flopsy?

They contain weak-minded children!

And given that SKUL is crying out for minds of any kind.

What's that, Flopsy?

No, I don't like her either.

The fact is,

I've found over 50 potential bank robbers in schools just like them.

PING!

I wonder how has she found them.

Amazing!

That's near the Bank of Britain. I'll have to go.

Ow!

And I shall be taking these with me.

The NHS couldn't supply a nit nurse for another three weeks, apparently.

Fortunately our caretaker Bicknall suggested Nit Solutions.

Nora Braithwaite.

I bet they call you Nitty Nora.

Or not.

Now, my pretties, time to go to work.

You ready yet? These things are doing my 'ead in.

Only one thing for a case this bad.

Keep your head still, boy!

There, that wasn't too painful.

Oh, and don't worry about mixing with other kids -

you're past the contagious stage.

That's it, I'm treated?

My job here is done.

I've scanned the nit nurse.

Nothing to scramble communications. She's clean.

-PHONE SIGNAL FADES

-Rose?

Rose?

Hang on, you're leaving?

But I've got nits as well, you know.

Here. Smear a big dollop of that on twice a day -

should clear them up in a month or so.

A month?

Urgh, that is so yuck!

-Might as well shove your head in cow dung.

-At least we know

Nit Solutions had nothing to do with communications being scrambled.

That's weird.

Same thing happened to my communicator earlier.

You'll be pleased to hear Phase One of my operation is complete.

One school near every bank we plan to rob

has been infected with my Nano-Nits.

They've been spreading like wildfire.

But how do robotic nits find potential bank robbers,

ones we can turn into SKUL agents?

Once in place, the Nano-Nits scan children's brains,

detecting weak minds, ones open to suggestion.

Oh, no! Not nits, please!

Everything all right, Ms Templeman?

Oh...I was just wondering what to have for lunch.

Do you want to know how I decide?

Monday, it's bun day. Tuesday, it's muesli.

Wednesday, no meat. Thursday, a treat. Friday...

It's pie day. Yes, that'll do!

Pie day? Hmm. And all this time I've been having lasagna.

Urgh! Sir's got nits!

# Sir's got nits! #

ALL: # Sir's got nits! Sir's got nits! #

Amazing.

My Nano-Nits have just located six weak minds in one school alone.

-Including two adults, would you believe?

-What is this thing?

Are you trying to do away with me?

All in good time.

I'm downloading your personality onto the computer.

Ooh... It tickles!

-'Download complete.'

-I've downloaded the personalities

of the world's most notorious criminals.

My Nano-Nits will now transmit those personalities directly

into the weak children's brains.

'Personality transfer complete.'

There.

Any weak minds my Nano-Nits detected

have just become criminal masterminds.

Just think, Flopsy.

Kids acting like different criminals, all working for me.

EVIL LAUGH

Oi! watch where you're going!

Stew?

What are you doing?

You, you and you.

Pocket money later. You,

wipe that look off your face. And you...

..deal with it!

TRANSMISSION SIGNAL FLICKERS

Yours too?

Someone's definitely scrambling communications.

Hey.

-What's the matter with you?

-What's the matter with me?

Have you guys looked in the mirror?

Hey! Forgetaboutit.

-Forgetaboutit?

-Forgetaboutit.

It's your lucky day.

-You'll never guess what I just saw.

-Whoa! Not too close, nit boy!

Stewart, acting like a...

Hey, Gringo!

No-one taps that shoulder but me, El Templeman.

-Lady, I've worked out what I want to do with my life.

-That is good!

Now go tell someone who gives a pinata.

But I'm going to be a cat burglar!

Fajita!

Although I'm not quite sure why I'd want to steal cats.

Is it me, or is everyone with nits acting really weird?

Yeah, but Blane's got nits and he's not.

Well, no more than normal.

Team!

Over here!

MANIC LAUGHTER

Sir?

Are you OK, sir?

What have I told you about calling me sir?

Call me...

the Headmaster.

Now...homework.

Tonight you will read The Hound Of The Baskervilles

in its entirety.

Oh, yes, Flipsy - all 700 pages.

That time I met him, it's just how the Grandmaster spoke.

This proves one thing. SKUL are behind the communication breakdown.

-They've infiltrated the school?

-And are making everyone act

like freaks somehow.

Argh!

-I need to follow him.

-Don't worry, we'll get on to it.

PHONE BEEPS

So, kids everywhere have been turned into criminals.

-'What now?'

-In each infected school, the nits will lead the infested

children to the assembly halls for your mission briefing.

BEEPING

Let's get closer.

To them!

With your help, my dear, he won't be in charge much longer.

I've been looking for weak minds in schools all over Britain.

St Hope's was a goldmine.

Now this buffoon is about to give you a mission.

Succeed, and afterwards we can overthrow him.

Say, "Yes, Grandmistress!"

-ALL:

-Yes, Grandmistress!

Now listen carefully.

'Congratulations.

'You are now SKUL's newest recruits.

'Your mission -

'the biggest bank robbery in history.

'At the same time as you rob a bank,

'fellow SKUL agents will be doing the same across Britain.

'I wish you good luck in the most audacious bank raid ever...'

-The Grandmaster!

-Nitty Nora works for SKUL?!

-Why can't I have a look?

Cos your nit-ridden bonce is coming nowhere near!

THUD!

If I find 'em, I'll crush 'em.

Yeah, this is so much better than having nits.

Lenny? Lenny, come in!

Maybe they're carrying whatever's been scrambling communications.

Nothing. Just wire cutters.

Must have been...children playing.

Let's vamoose, amigos!

Come along, Flipsy.

OK, so if they're off to rob a bank,

the nearest one to us is... the Bank of Britain!

You two follow them, I'll go back to HQ.

How come I have to go with nit-brain?!

I've got to figure out what SKUL's done to everyone.

We must've missed something.

-Unless you want to extrapolate the skeletal data...

-OK!

We're going!

So, the Nano-Nits took out the security systems.

But how are they gonna take out that?

Manual door lock. Cutting edge.

But hey,

so are these babies.

SKUL are robbing all major UK banks as we speak.

-Can anybody respond?

-Email, phones, even the emergency

networks have been scrambled.

There must be something we've missed.

EVIL LAUGH

Hey, amigos. Let's get to work.

Look!

The x-ray we took of Stewart. If I zoom in close...

His head's covered in...

What is it covered in?

They're mechanical.

They look like nano-bots.

That nit nurse must have infected kids with Nano-Nits,

-which turn them into criminals somehow.

-A personality transfer?

SKUL could then control kids all over Britain to rob the banks.

He's sedated like the others.

I'm gonna try and call for back-up again.

There's huge signals coming from ten banks across Britain,

all leading back to a central source. The data's being scrambled.

But it's somewhere here, in the school.

Lenny? Where are you going?

Daisy and Blane may be in trouble.

I've got to find that control source.

It's no use. I can't get in contact with anyone. Here.

So they don't recognise us.

Splendid.

At last, Flipsy,

SKUL's finest hour is upon us.

Problem is, so is MI9.

One of us needs to go and get help.

I'll stay. I never get to hang out with Stew these days.

I'll be quick, I promise.

Rose, the source of the signal, what kind of thing am I looking for?

SIGNAL FADES

Ew! Smells like Blane's nit cream.

'Kids will be raiding banks right across Britain.'

100 SKUL agents at my command.

'Yes, at your... What?!'

Once the raids are complete,

I will be taking over command of SKUL.

'You?

-'This is an outrage!'

-Idiot!

A megalomaniac AND you stink of nit cream.

So you don't like nits?

That is a shame.

-That is gross!

-It's the mother nit,

where all the other Nano-Nits are being controlled from.

Why don't you take a closer look?

I hate nits!

Daisy!

Get away from him, you witch!

MI9 is so getting my resignation!

Looks like you're the victim of bully-on!

Time to see if you're ugly as well as stupid.

That one's for Blane.

That one's for Rose. That one's for Lenny.

And that one's...

just cos you're a nit.

Oh!

Oh!

Er, where am I?

Well, I'm guessing it's not double maths.

OK, bit freaked out here.

What are we doing in a bank vault?

Why am I in a suit?

Fashion nightmare!

It's all right.

You've all been part of a government mind control experiment.

I bet this is your fault, Critchley, for reading

-that stupid Conspiracy magazine!

-That's rich,

coming from someone wearing tights.

Nice one!

I mean... Come on, let's get back to St Hope's. Come on, let's go!

Ma'am, send police officers to every major bank in the country.

SKUL have been...

I may have a dodgy hip,

but I'm not totally useless.

So Braithwaite started the whole nit epidemic

just so she could spread her nano-bots.

And they didn't haven't any effect on Blane,

cos he's actually quite strong-willed.

It is the mark of a ninja.

Yeah, but you also managed to give me the real nits,

which is the mark of an idiot!

Anyway, Rose was right, nits do prefer clean hair.

And only another four months of treatment to go.

So, you thought you could overthrow me?

Alas, Ms Braithwaite, SKUL is not for the taking.

And since you also ruined my bank raids,

you must now pay the price of failure!

HE LAUGHS EVILLY THEN CLEARS HIS THROAT

I know it's sad, Flopsy, but she made me so angry.

'Ere, 50, what's that crawling on your head?

It's so cool. Whatever the government did to us.

What, in this mind control experiment?

-It's like, now I've got a mind of my own.

-That's what I said!

Pity you couldn't have been there. You miss all the cool stuff.