The Cold War M.I. High

WHIRRING

WHOOSHING

Achoo!

Go now, my little carrier, and play with your friends.

Achoo!

-Project 1914 complete, sir.

-Excellent.

If we succeed, then, you, Gesundheit,

a humble pharmacist, will become chairman of the largest,

most powerful pharmaceutical company in all the world -

Meister-Grossen!

And why shouldn't we succeed?

After all, coughs and sneezes spread diseases!

THEY CHUCKLE EVILLY

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

The old-school spies have had their day,

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain would think to look.

BELL RINGS

Welcome to MI High.

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised my project won first prize.

First and last weekend I give up for a spy-gadget conference,

even if it was in the Caribbean.

That jetpack in a backpack invention was so cool!

-(Way better than Rose's thing.)

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

My Inner Reality device was the judges' choice.

Using gaming technology to explore the brain is pretty amazing.

A way of seeing what someone's thinking.

Gross! Some of us can already do that,

without all the yucky body fluid stuff. It's called intuition.

Like, right now Blane is thinking...

Where is everyone?

Achoo!

-Hey! Another survivor!

-Survivor?

From the Super-Flu.

Achoo! Ohh...!

Sit over here.

We don't want to catch anything from that lot.

-You look well.

-Yeah. Well well.

Yeah, I've been using this really good new tinted moisturiser.

Where's your teacher?

Dunno, Miss. (Probably off with the bug.)

Lucky them!

Hey!

Maybe if we all get sick they'll close down school?

Because of the flu bug? I don't think so.

BUZZING

Over the weekend an epidemic of Super-Flu has devastated the UK.

'Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!...'

70% already have it.

Looks like the rest are falling fast.

-HE COUGHS

-Just a tickle.

This virus has struck at unprecedented speed.

Our top scientists can't find anything to counteract it.

We also need to stop the virus spreading and find a vaccine.

Here's a sample taken from one of the flu victim's nostrils.

Eurgh!

I'll get started right away.

There have been outbreaks of Super-Flu in the past.

-It'd be great to find out how they were defeated.

-Remember,

Britain is near breaking point. You have to work fast.

HE COUGHS

So many staff off sick!

Looks like we'll be running this show on our own today.

-No change there, then(!)

-No.

-Well, I'll try and organise some cover.

-Yeah.

HE COUGHS

Well, you don't look well yourself. Shouldn't you go home?

No, Miss Templeman, the captain never leaves his ship.

Anyway, I'd like to let you into a little secret.

The St Hope's record for continuous teaching attendance

was set by Mrs Kilpatrick from 1979 to 1999.

If I can get through to 4pm today, the record and the trophy is mine!

Great! But we are very busy.

Today is the day of the St John Ambulance First Aid Assessment.

Maybe we should cancel?

Nonsense. The Assessor isn't due till eleven.

-Just give them some last minute revision, all right?

-Right.

Oh, Miss Templeman?

I don't suppose there's any chance of a hot lemony drink before you go?

Fine.

Five million throat lozenges?!

Two million decongestants?!

Not a problem. Thank you!

You were right, Gesundheit, pharmaceuticals IS where it's at.

People everywhere are buying our cold remedies,

which won't cure them, of course.

Just keep them well enough to buy even more of our products.

As our Infectometer shows! HE CHUCKLES EVILLY

This is such an aggressive strain.

It attacks the body's immune system by making it switch itself off.

Wow! Here's a familiar headline!

This 1914 virus attacked the immune system too.

How did THEY defeat it?

This geezer called Theodore Tilbury managed to stop the pandemic

-in its tracks. He created a vaccine.

-Cool!

So we can just use the same vaccine, right?

Wrong. Vaccines don't last that long.

What we need is the formula he used to make it.

His papers are kept somewhere called the Museum of Infectious Diseases.

They'll have a copy.

What loser would go to a museum of infections?!

You two go, I want to finish studying this virus.

Gadgets. Sat-nav shoes.

Type in a map reference and they'll show you the quickest route.

False eyelashes. Flash them and they'll disarm a security camera.

-Nice.

-Safe!

Aaargh!

Ready, ready... Oof!

SHE LAUGHS Yeah...safe!

SHOES BUZZ

Look, twinkle-toes, turn off the shoes if they're too complicated.

Make-It-Sparkle Cleaning Company.

What, again?

Well, we are known for our infectious enthusiasm.

-Not to be sneezed at.

-Go on then.

Something in your eye?

I'm disarming the security camera that you failed to spot.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Sshh!

SHE SCREAMS

Can you get a grip? It's just a museum!

Yeah, full of freak show exhibits!

I'm good with most things, but not body stuff.

And, like, seeing the squidgy bits.

Eurgh!

Hey! It's Tilbury.

And his wife... Ailsa.

He sure got the best part of that bargain!

Can we forget about the trivia and concentrate on finding the files?

OK.

SHE GASPS Tilbury's archive!

Fantastic!

No, it isn't. All the files relating to the 1914 virus are missing!

Oh, no, Stewart has had a heart attack!

Someone agreed to go on a date with him, then(!)

-THEY GIGGLE

-It wasn't me!

-Chest compression's what's needed.

-If we could let the children answer.

Now, who would like to save Stewart's life?

Daisy, you have to see this!

Oh, yuck!

Isn't that Tilbury?

Why's he standing there like a tinned sardine?

I thought he was dead.

No, it looks like he's been cryogenically frozen.

It'll never catch on.

Look, the info's gone.

But this is Tilbury, the one guy who knows about the vaccine.

-So?

-The formula could be locked in his brain. If we can get back to HQ,

Rose could use her invention to get the information out.

No way! I draw the line at body-snatching!

Listen, I'm taking him, whether you like it or not.

ALARM BLARES

Intruders?!

They're in the museum!

Find out who it is!

-But

-I

-can't...

-At once!

Coming in here, bringing their germs and infections!

-Do we take him or not?

-Yes... No... I don't know!

-If we could have a decision here?

-This is complete madness!

Someone's coming!

FOOTSTEPS

-That was close.

-Yeah. Nice work with the shoes.

SHOES BUZZ

You fool, they've stolen Tilbury!

This must be linked to Project 1914. Someone is on to us!

-What do we do?!

-We? This is down to you, Gesundheit.

Get out there and bring back Tilbury!

Out? Outside?!

But the germs...!

The Super-Flu virus is out there!

Then I would suggest you are quick about it!

How will I find the body?

Follow those cleaners!

Go!

How are we gonna get back to HQ?

-There won't be any buses.

-Being spies that can't drive really sucks.

BOTH: Taxi!

Ow! Oh...!

St Hope's High, please, mate.

-What happened to your mate?

-Nothing. He's just chilling.

You really need to take it easy, Kenneth.

I know you want to break the record, but I think you should go home.

-No, I have to win the trophy.

-Please stay in the staffroom.

You might want the record, but no-one wants your flu.

-Ohh...!

-Sit down.

Oof!

Erm... May I?

The supply teacher doesn't look too well, either.

I'll make him a cuppa, might pull him round a bit.

Eurgh...!

Sugar?

Oh...

WIND BLOWS

What a nightmare! Taxi cost 20 quid, he weighs a ton.

Tilbury's files were missing.

But we thought you could use your inner reality thing

to extract the formula from his brain.

HE thought that. I think it's crazy.

The way my invention works, I would have to go inside his mind.

Literally. Which would be too dangerous.

-I agree.

-No, no, the technology is untested,

but there's no reason why it shouldn't work.

What choice do we have? Britain is on the verge of collapse!

Getting that vaccine formula is the only way.

Lenny, my invention won top prize because the logic works.

Oh, there you are! We've been waiting for you with all the bodies.

There's more than one?!

Yes! The children have been busy all morning.

Come on.

Inner Reality maps the mind like levels of a computer game.

I've planned my route. Finding the vaccine should be straightforward.

But we know nothing about Tilbury, or how he thinks!

I'm going to the left hemisphere.

That's where the factual info gets stored.

His memory of the vaccine should be there.

But you don't know for sure!

His mind isn't like one of Stewart's computer games.

It's full of emotions and memories and millions of different feelings.

-And your machine is unproven.

-Sometimes you have to take chances.

I'm using the nostrils as a contact point,

cos that's where the nerves are most sensitive.

I then hook up the Inner Reality generator,

connecting my mind to his.

-At least let me profile Tilbury first.

-What if there's a problem?

This monitor will show how my body's coping with the strain.

It's still not a proper exit strategy, is it?

What if you get trapped in there?

Look, I'll be back with the formula before you can say,

"Award-winning spy gadget."

'I'm going straight to the left hemisphere...'

Guys, I'm not sure if you can hear this or not,

but, I think I'm at the entrance to Tilbury's mind.

TILBURY'S HEART BEATS

It's not what I expected.

Er... I'm going to try and find the left hemisphere.

Tilbury. We need to know more about this guy. Apart from the fact

he's got more facial hair than a werewolf.

Her heart rate's up!

Look! She's under stress in there!

Tilbury's defrosting! If his mind became active again

-that could put Rose in danger.

-We need to keep him cold.

-Frozen peas!

Ah! What happened?!

50 Pence it's a lorry driver. He's had a stroke,

and his truck has hit Stewart, who has fallen on Letitia,

breaking both her legs.

Don't forget me, Miss. I got bitten by a squirrel with rabies.

We have tried to recreate every accident you can think of.

COUGHING

Not again! This really isn't helping anyone!

-SHE BLOWS HER NOSE LOUDLY

-Miss... I don't feel good.

I, erm...

I need my...

red pen!

-Achoo!

-HE COUGHS

Ohhh...!

Please let me come back!

It's terrible here, everyone is sick!

'And they don't put their hands over their mouths!'

Our plan is working. Profits are soaring.

But if you return without Tilbury, the doors here

will remain locked, and you will be out there...

'forever!'

No! Please! Not that!

I've handed out the assessment papers!

I've reached the left hemisphere, but the mind map I did is useless.

I'm having to guess.

GIGGLING

I think I've just seen the young Tilbury.

It must be a childhood memory.

Stay cool, mate. Please!

Rose's heart beat shouldn't be 210 beats per minute!

I'm gonna get her out.

Wait! There's something you have to tell her! Look at this!

'I'm gonna get her out...'

-They're just Tilbury's memories.

-How come his brain looks like St Hope's?

I don't know. It's not supposed to!

It must be the meld between our brains and his.

-His body's defrosted. We need to get out.

-No way!

If our classrooms are the sections of his brain,

then let's try the science lab. The formula is here somewhere.

SOMEONE SNEEZES

Have they passed?

Yes, top marks all round.

If I was sick, I'd come here.

Oh...!

ALARM BLARES

Doctor Tilbury!

I'm a fellow scientist. Your vaccine is needed again.

It's locked.

I know why they're in trouble!

WWI began the day Tilbury's vaccine was distributed.

He never got the credit he deserved, which left him pretty twisted.

You're not going in! Why take the risk?

-Better to get Rose and Blane out!

-Tilbury won't give us the vaccine,

-but there's someone who might help.

-That's the last set of connectors.

I can't follow you in! No-one can!

Come on, Daisy, mind over matter.

LIFT DOORS OPEN

Oh!

Hm...

Let me guess.

The man who created the Super-Flu?

Please, I have my orders.

-Tilbury must be returned.

-Says who?

-The Grandmaster?

-A great man.

He paid for me to recreate the 1914 strain.

And together, we'll make a fortune in flu remedies!

Over my dead body!

Whoa! Oh...!

Took a leaf out of your book, Kung Fu-man!

-What about your yucky body phobia?

-What is it they say?

"Laugh in the face of fear. Tweak the nose of terror." Now let's go!

Why are we going this way?

Cos the answer's in the emotional part of Tilbury's brain.

I'm guessing that's the art room!

You could be right, it's worth a try.

You don't understand!

I can't leave empty-handed!

Aaargh!

Achoo!

Eurgh!

Tilbury didn't work alone. His wife was a scientist too,

-they worked as a team.

-It's Tilbury's wife!

He fell out of love with the world, but...she didn't.

The formula!

DOOR OPENS

Not this time, fuzz face!

Run for it!

Get back!

And cover your mouth when you sneeze!

Achoo!

So, we don't like germs, do we?

HE SCREAMS

Ahh...!

I think I've got it.

Rose, you never forget facts. Now would not be a good time to start!

Where's Blane? WHOOSH

Ooh! Ooh...! Nyeeargh!

Must hold on.

-Achoo!

-Oh!

No!

Not a dripping nose! It can't be!

I have taken every precaution!

38.2. Oh...!

I'm burning up!

No!

HE SOBS

Let's go!

THEY GASP

-Are you OK?

-I've got a 68 digit formula in my mind,

can we please call the Government Super-Flu Unit? Fast!

Chief Medical Officer?

Excellent, Rose Gupta here.

-Who's the cry-baby?

-He's a SKUL agent.

Colds go straight to my chest!

-Why did he make me come here?

-It was the Grandmaster's very own Cold War.

There's a squad on its way to arrest him.

I'll make sure Tilbury and Ailsa get the praise they deserved.

You deserve a bit of praise too. Inner Reality thing - amazing.

No, I need to rework it.

Daisy was right. The brain's not only about facts and data.

And maybe the human body isn't quite as yucky as I thought.

But I am never getting up anyone's nose again!

Achoo!

Achoo!

It's four o'clock!

You're officially the healthiest teacher in the history of St Hope's!

-Hooray...!

-And we have passed the First Aid Assessment.

We can all go home!

ALL: Yeah...! THEY ALL COUGH

-Ohh...!

-Ooh!

Kenneth...! Kenneth...?

-Ah!

-Ooh!

-MOBILE PHONE BUZZES

-Oh, sorry. I seem to have a message.

-BEEP

-'Mr O'Grady here.

'Sorry I missed the first-aid assessment today.

'Touch of that flu that's going round.

'I hope you get this message in time.'

< HE GROANS AND COUGHS

Achoo!

I escaped just in time, General Flopsy,

but I think I've caught Gesundheit's flu in the process.

TV: 'The worst of the outbreak seems to be over.

'The new vaccine is being distributed nationally.

'These children were among the first few...'

Oh, how I hate to see happy, healthy people!

Oh... I don't like the look of that moist nose.

And your eyes are looking a little pink, too.

I do hope you're not becoming a hot-cross bunny!