The Problem Probe M.I. High

Dear Katie. Thank you for your letter.

I wouldn't worry about boys at your age.

Kissing them can cause your nose to fall off

and temporary colour blindness.

Not to mention the fact that they pong!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, my ten o'clock. Please come in, door's open.

Pop your bot on the chair, treasure, be with you in a mo'.

Mandy! Oh!

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I just can't seem to stop kidnapping people.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

SHE LAUGHS

The 21st Century faces a new kind of threat.

And M.I. High must create a new breed of skilled, undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look, welcome to M.I. High.

Urgent...

Oh-ho-ho! Morris Dancing Monthly!

Wonder what my Morriscope is.

Hmm.

Co...? Co...?!

Cocoa time already?

It's a little early, but I'll fill the kettle and you get the biscuits.

Com, com...

Competition. You've won a competition?

Complaint?!

I've got a complaint!

NOISY HUBBUB

THEY RAP

SILENCE!

Someone has taken it upon themselves to write a letter.

Aneisha, what on earth is that in your hair?

I'm Dame A, v2, party of Lady Jane's Crew, and I'm trying something...

New?

You're Aneisha, actually,

and THAT is a breach of school rules.

So remove it, immediately!

Dame A! Don't you be backing down to the Babylon!

Now.

One of you has written an anonymous letter to the education minister.

Complaining that we never listen to your problems.

Now.

I just want to know...

BOOM

..who was it?

Miss King, we must act immediately.

Agreed, Mr Flatley.

-Please draw up a list of appointments.

-Sir.

Lessons are suspended.

CHEERING

Excellent! We will grill each suspect, one by one.

Until somebody squeaks.

We are going to have a series of Saint Heart's heart-to-hearts!

DISAPPROVING MURMURS

Everyone will be seen and no topic is off-limits.

Team. Mandy Pluckley, the country's top agony aunt,

was abducted this morning.

Mandy is the sworn confidante of our Prime Minister

and, without her guidance, he's, well, see for yourselves.

I quite agree, Lord Oxley.

We should replace all our missiles with fruit and nut!

If you're going to go off the rails, you might as well go off in style.

He's totally dependent on Mandy's advice to keep him stable.

In her absence, he's started making unusual decisions.

Hamish is at Number Ten now, trying to get him out of his panic corner.

-They should leave him in there.

-They can't. In three hours,

the British Government is hosting the Unity Summit.

It's going to put every country's defences under a single system.

-Only one aide is cleared to accompany the PM.

-Let me guess. Mandy?

-Right.

Each world leader will be given a sealed envelope

containing their own access code to the new system.

They'll be given ten seconds to memorise it before it's destroyed.

Given the state he's in, our PM can't memorise anything.

Instead of the Unity system protecting our country, we could

end up being the only ones without any control over our own offences.

-We would be sitting ducks.

-So we've got to get Mandy back, ASAP?

And do something about her fashion sense.

Her top? Hel-lo?!

Now, Roland.

This is your chance to talk about

anything, anything at all, which is worrying you.

Well, there is one thing.

I knew it!

Suspect is about to confess of his own free will.

Mrs King, please!

Go on, Roland.

Well, last night, me mum made me this horrible dinner,

and when she went out the room, I fed it to the cat.

But then the cat sicked it back up on me plate.

And then me mum came back in!

Perhaps we could stop there.

She told me to finish it!

Time's up, Roland.

Keri, check the crime scene

for any clues that can tell us where Mandy's gone.

She gets some well weird letters.

Someone here says they're allergic to floors.

You'd have to walk around on stilts!

Mandy's motto was, "You can trust me".

How you do think she'd feel if she knew we'd broken that trust?

How do you think these people feel?

Aneisha's right. Focus, team.

Look for clues.

Here...

Tom, check this out.

Hold that for a moment, Dan.

If I access a high-res weather satellite and use a program

to scan for all footprints in the area surrounding that office...

We can isolate the kidnappers' boot prints and see where it went.

It could tell us where they've taken her.

SHE GROANS AND PANTS

What do you want?

What's going on?!

I dare say

the Prime Minister's shared all kinds of secrets with you.

Any secrets inside my head STAY inside my head!

Oh, I'm sure I could tease them out.

Do you mean "tease" or do you really mean torture?

Oh, now, let me think.

The second one.

Do you know something?

Underneath all that glamour and "Grrr" I can see a little girl

crying out for help.

-GRUFFLY:

-What? Don't be ridiculous!

Bullied as a kid, were you?

Shut up!

Activate the probe!

What's this?

Enough!

What's going on?

What's it doing back there?

What is that thing?!

Got it! These boot prints were left in the past week or so.

All I have to do is write a pattern recognition protocol

to isolate the one belonging to Mandy's kidnapper.

The Unity Summit starts in two hours.

We're running out of time, and the PM's just introduced legislation

to imprison anyone who misuses the apostrophe.

Well, that's half the school stuffed.

-Can you speed up the scan?

-No, sorry.

Well, we've got something else that we've got to do

-for the next half an hour anyway.

-And what's that?

Well, I guess my biggest problem is that I can't get

to the next level of this game, Iron Glove.

Ah, yes. How to get to next level in the game of love.

No, n-no, glove. Iron Glove.

I don't really have any problems, sir.

So you wouldn't have felt it necessary to write a letter, then?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

To think I was like, "Keri, you are SO into him!"

And I was like, "I'm SO not!"

And she was like, "You SO are!" So I was like...

I'm so not?

Were you there, Miss?

You never listen to me!

-I'm listening now.

-Talking.

-Listening!

-Talking!

-I'm listening!

Perhaps we could pioneer a new form of communication called

"liste-talking?"

Sorry, sir, I'm having a problem understanding what you mean.

You see? Now we're getting somewhere!

So I was like, "I'm into him a little bit"

and she was like, "You're SO not into him a little bit,

"you're into him a lot." I was like, wevsy.

And it kept going.

-And she was saying about how I was so into him...

-Wevsy?!

..and I didn't really know how to reply to that, you know?

Because she just wouldn't shut up about it!

You're still not listening!

All I want to listen to is you telling me

whether or not you've written a letter in the past week!

I'm not going to answer that.

Ha!

No, not "love" - glove.

You must learn about the ancient art of woo.

-Is that some kind of martial art?

-Oh, far from it, Thomas.

If it's a rare skill,

but luckily for you

I am a woo master.

You look ill.

I just had a lecture in woo.

-Is that some kind of martial art?

-Team...

Tom's programme has tracked Mandy's kidnapper to an abandoned hospital.

Could that be where they're holding her?

That's what you need to find out. Take this - a ventriloquiser.

It automatically records every voice within a 10m radius,

allowing you to speak with any one of them.

What use is that to us?

IN ANEISHA'S VOICE: Useful for distraction and misdirection.

IN TOM'S VOICE: Cool.

Ah, Frank.

All right, Mr F?

Time for your heart-to-heart.

(Do not ask him about woo.)

AS FRANK: I'm really looking forward to that, Mr F.

Splendid, Frank. Splendid.

After you.

-Tom, we're in.

-'See if you can pick up the abductor's boot print.'

This place gives me the creeps.

'Follow the trail.'

If Mandy's there, we need to find her.

XETROK?

-What's that?

-Nothing, it's just a computer glitch. Hurry guys.

RECORDING PLAYS: 'Entry-hall hat stand is tall.'

Mandy?!

-They're torturing her.

-Wait.

'..this type is intended for temporary storage

-'of head ornaments for arriving guests.'

-No way.

Since when did the Crime Minister need an agony aunt?

Since she realised THAT agony aunt knows all kinds of state secrets.

Three hours of listening to Hat Stands: The Definitive Study

hasn't loosened your tongue?

No, you'll spill your secrets soon enough.

As an agony aunt, it's time you experience some real agony.

You'll now be subjected to

Great Tap Drips Of The 20th Century.

Even I can't endure that.

Now, now.

Oh, dear.

ALARM WAILS

Get Mandy out of here!

Dan!

Here we are, sir. The Unity Summit.

In 45 minutes you'll be given a sealed envelope

containing the defence code. You must memorise it, OK?

Of course.

What's my name again?

-You're the Prime Minister, sir.

-And you are?

Hamish Campbell, MI9, sir.

We've got you some shoes. You remember shoes?

I think I remember what chocolate looks like, Brenda.

Just...

hang in there, sir.

ALARM WAILS

-AS CRIME MINISTER:

-I'm down the corridor to your left, idiots!

Wow, this thing's cool.

-AS CRIME MINISTER:

-I mean hurry. That's an order.

I meant to say thanks, by the way. I'm Aneisha. Aneisha Jones.

Oh, good.

I thought you remember the names of everyone who writes to you.

Of course I do, Aneisha Jones.

And you wrote to me about?

-Not feeling very self-confident sometimes.

-Yes.

And I told you to...

Try loads of new things.

That's it. Well done.

I've been using marmalade as moisturiser just like you said.

Good girl. Marmalade. Lovely.

And permanent marker pen instead of eyeliner.

Good, good.

Who are you?

Mandy.

I don't think so.

Who are you?

Hello?

Mandy?! What's going on?

We can't move fast enough.

I'll be all right in a minute, you have to go without me.

I'm not leaving you.

Keri, what's the point in both of us getting caught?

Who says we're getting caught?

-VOICE OF ANEISHA:

-'Guys, I had to draw some guards away from Mandy,

-'I've left her by the entrance.'

-We'll come and get you!

-AS ANEISHA:

-There's no time. I'll make my own way back.

Just get Mandy to the Prime Minister.

Whoa!

Come on! Mandy, hurry up!

They've got Mandy.

Aneisha's been delayed but she's on her way.

I'll notify Hamish.

What's wrong with the computers?

Some kind of virus.

-We've been compromised?

-Well, it doesn't seem to be doing any harm,

-it's just renaming all of our files.

-XETROK? What does that mean?

At first I didn't understand it either, but then I started thinking

we read left-to-right, but computers read code right-to-left.

If we look at it from inside the system...

KORTEX.

And what's KORTEX?

Tim feels that people ignore him because he's just a flower,

but he has feelings, Mr Flatley.

HE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

And we want to hear all about Tim's feelings.

Well, yes, he has written a poem.

Ah, wonderful.

Hey, this is the answer.

Personal expression is always the answer, Mrs King.

Handwriting. I'll collect in all the exercise books

and compare the handwriting to the letter.

Then I'll really give the culprits something to complain about.

Buptick pop-cheeck!

-Who are you?

-I might ask you the same question.

Aneisha Jones, MI9.

The same Aneisha Jones who had trouble with her self-confidence?

-You remember me?

-Oh, of course I do!

I remember everybody that writes to me.

I suppose even spies have trouble with confidence sometimes.

-Hey, how d'you get on with me advice?

-Good.

Made some new friends, party invites.

Sorry, what's going on? Who was that in the corridor?

Oh, not who. What.

All of this has been a setup to get to the Prime Minister.

KORPS want the access code to the Unity System

so KORPS kidnapped me and made a copy.

Some kind of an android.

That's what the machine we saw does, makes androids?

Exactly. KORPS tricked you into rescuing the android instead of me.

So when all the world leaders open their envelopes,

the android will see the Prime Minister's code

and transmit it back to KORPS.

They'll have total control of the country's defence system!

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Unity Summit.

This is a momentous day,

as we unite from all corners of the globe against our enemy.

Prime Minister, look.

Mandy, thank goodness!

Campbell...my shoes.

You...chewed them, sir.

Did I? Hmm...

When are we memorising this code?

20 minutes. Come on.

Well done, team. You've just saved us from complete disaster.

-All part of the service.

-You should be the ones

to distribute the envelopes. It's important the Prime Minister sees

what you've done to help achieve this.

Frank, we've delivered Mandy back to the PM. Is Aneisha at the spy base?

No. Tom, try her communicator.

Neish, are you there? Aneisha?

According to my scan

her communicator's still at the hospital.

-They should go back for her, Frank.

-On our way.

-No. Stay where you are

in case KORPS make another attempt to get Mandy.

But we're your only field agents.

What?

It's bolted from the other side.

You're the one who said there's a solution to every problem.

There's no way we can get through that door.

-Then we get them to open it for us.

-How?

MANDY: 'Hello? I've changed me mind, you've broken me. I'll talk!

'I'll tell you all the Prime Minister's secrets!'

OK, let's get to the summit before that thing gives the code to KORPS.

Tom?!

-I've got to get my friend first.

-We don't have time!

He must have come here for me. I can't leave here without him.

Course you can't. Come on, let's go!

We'll shortly bring round the envelopes

containing your personal access codes.

You'll be given 10 seconds to open the envelope

and memorise the code within.

After that, all evidence will be destroyed.

(Neish, are you in here?)

Molecular echo probe?

Thanks to those gullible fools from MI nine,

the android will be transmitting the code in five minutes.

We'll control the entire country's defence system.

Dismantle this facility. Let's get out of here.

-What are you doing here?

-What's she doing here?

-Long story.

Dad, the Mandy you took to the summit isn't Mandy.

'It's an android!'

What?

'You can't let the PM open that envelope.

'If you do, you'll be playing right into KORPS' hands.'

-Are you sure about this?

-Take my advice, love - listen to her.

-You're under arrest.

-What's the meaning of this?

This isn't the real Mandy, it's a Mandy droid!

-Campbell?

-Dan, what are you doing?

-Aneisha's got the real Mandy.

What? This is nonsense. I've known Mandy my entire life

and this is the real her.

No, Hamish, we have to trust Aneisha.

-Campbell, arrest your agents.

-Sir?

-Arrest them!

-Hamish!

I'm sorry, Dan, orders are orders.

Guys!

-I don't want to fight him.

-I've always wanted to use one of these!

Tom, what are you doing? Why are you making another one?

-Oh, no, now there's two of them!

-How does this make things better for us?

-I should be able to control it.

-What?!

All right! So they can fight each other?

Cool! Tom, get back to base.

I need to take Mandy to the Unity Summit.

It's the only way to convince the Prime Minister that the other

-Mandy is fake.

-Can I keep this guy?

-No!

-But look, he's dancing. Look!

See? Look! Look! He's dancing!

Felicity! You know full well that running in the corridor is forbidden.

They're trying to arrest me!

What offence could a pupil of mine have possibly committed?

She was using an apostrophe in a letter to the Education Minister.

She did...?

YOU complained about me!

Lock her up and throw away the key.

You all have an envelope in front of you.

You hold the safety of the entire world in your hands.

Prepare to open in five...

..four...three...two...

-..one...

-Stop!

Another of your incompetent agents, Campbell. Arrest her!

-That's an android sent here by KORPS.

-Not this again!

If I have to listen to any more of this ridicu...

Who are you?

-I'm Mandy.

-No, I'm Mandy.

-No, I'm Mandy.

-No, I'm Mandy.

-Give it here!

-No, I'm Mandy.

-No, I'm Mandy.

-No, I'm Mandy. Get off!

-I'm the real Mandy!

Stop it, both of you!

I can't tell the difference.

Well, I can.

I've got a question for the Mandys. What did I write to you about?

-Your self-confidence.

-Right answer.

-Arrest the other one.

-No!

That one.

The real Mandy would never have answered that question

in front of everybody.

THEY GASP

I'm rather impressed with you, Aneisha.

You're a very confident young lady.

So my crew, yeah?

We're tight but they just don't always get me.

They just don't know what it's like to be out there, representin',

you know?

I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.

As much as you have to, Mrs King. You promised the Education Minister

that when Felicity was released, you'd listen to all her problems.

-Cup of tea, Felicity?

-That's a man with a plan, yo! Right cha!

-Two sugars, Mrs King?

-And bring some biscuits, cha feel?

-Ha-ha! They arrested Lady J?

-She was released without charge.

It seems all the Prime Minister's weird decisions have been reversed.

So, Hamish, are we getting knighthoods for this or what?

First we need to investigate this KORTEX anomaly.

-It's inside our systems.

-There will be no investigation.

-What? Why not?

Please understand that, for me, this has been your finest hour,

but as far as the Prime Minister is concerned, you played

right into KORPS' hands, putting an android by his side.

-We saved the day.

-Only just.

The PM believes this has been a massive security breach

and it can never, ever happen again.

-It won't, you have my word.

-Frank, you don't understand.

Keri, Dan, Tom, Aneisha...

..as of this moment you're no longer spies.

You've been shut down.

The M.I. High project is dead.