Sad Men M.I. High

'Have these fantastic items now! Just one click away!'

With 20% off this bling,

everything, it's a bare proper bargain!

You can buy three for the price of two.

Does the mean you get one without having to pay anything?

I'm not going to become a mindless consumer. This is an assault

-on our rights and our dignity.

-'Three for two, on a huge

'selection of premier gifts.'

Place has gone mad.

'Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Now!!'

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

And MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look. Welcome to MI High.

-'Get your feet...'

-I don't like influencing young minds in this way,

-Mrs King.

-You don't like influencing young minds, at all, Mr Flatley.

Some may say that my teaching methods are a little unconventional...

Six children left last week because THEY were teaching YOU!

Is learning from pupils a crime?

No, falling pupil numbers is a crime, but agreeing

to carry this advertising is the answer.

HE SIGHS

With the money we make, we'll invest in our facilities and make

-the school more attractive.

-Mrs King, St Hearts has so much

to offer already. We need to tell the word the truth about it -

-spread the message.

-No, that is the last thing we should do.

Now, I am going to spend today carefully presenting our school

to new prospective parents and I need you to stay low, keep quiet

and, please, try not to do anything too...Mr Flatley-ish.

Mmm?

'High heels at low prices.

'All the latest fashions,

'at bargain rates.

'Smart people, smart products, smart prices.'

Everybody, everybody, stop what you are doing.

It's time to promote St Hearts properly.

I'm talking new logo

BUZZING posters, a television advert.

This is a top priority.

There are to be no distractions.

'Jingle all

'the way to the dance with Billy's Bells.'

-(Guys.)

-'20% off now!'

Ooh.

Oh, that is good value, isn't it?

'Billy's Bells.'

Check out the threads

on Hamish. Turning stylish into spylish.

I employed an agency to help me rebrand. New job - new image.

-Could get them to take a look you guys, if you like.

-Sweet!

If I'm being honest,

I've always thought these outfits came from a shop called Really?

-Could do with a bit of colour.

-Something brighter.

-This is MI High,

-not MI Hiya!

-We're not rebranding.

-It isn't always like this.

We've just acquired a fragmented message from a terror organisation

known as The 99p.

-Are they reasonably-priced terrorists?

-They are dedicated

to bringing the value of the world economy down to 99p.

No member of The 99p has even been caught, but in the past, they have

-destroyed banks, attacked big businesses...

-And now, us.

We believe the message is an instruction to launch an assault

-on the MI9 communications centre.

-We don't know what The 99p want,

but we do know that, ten minutes ago, its security grid failed.

-Or someone made it fail?

-Team, I want you to field-test these

prototypes for me.

Laser Lashes.

Blink three times in one second and they zap anything within two metres.

I can totally rock them.

Tom, see if you can get the security grid back online. Keri, Dan, Aneisha,

the centre's unmanned. Get there and secure it.

-'For one week only, the best...'

-There really is no better place

for your children to succeed than here, at St Hearts.

Oh, why don't we go to the canteen? We have some wonderful cutlery.

Is that you, Mrs King?

Oh! Oh, Preston!

Why are you wearing

your sock as a blindfold?

Is it part of... National Headsock Day?

St Hearts has become a crypto-capitalist outpost

of consumer excess.

This is the only way I can remain uncontaminated.

-I'm forming the..Sockupy Movement.

-We encourage our pupils to be

independently-minded. So, let's go find some better examples, shall we?

Felicity and Roland are pitching an exciting concept for a St Hearts

-television advert.

-Ah!

-So, I'm the Queen of St Hearts, yeah, and you

are all my loyal subjects n the Court of Sorted.

And I'm rapping and Rollie's fartboxing and the camera sweeps

through and everybody steps aside and bows, until it turns round on me

all regal, yeah, and the rap goes,

Let one off when the occasion demands it

and come to St Hearts cos your Queen commands it!

Ha-ha-ha! Very good, very good.

Hollerin' right back at you, Felicity!

We need to show dem pupils they're gonna be part of peak posse. Trust?

Didn't understand a word of that.

Right, yes. We...

We believe that we should talk to the pupils on their level.

'Oi!!

'Cash Cow, 'ere. Don't be a dummy -

'get down to my supermarket and save yourself MONEY!

Oh! Where was I?

-Erm...

-Oh, yes!

Yes, we believe that we should talk to the pupils on their level.

We need to raise the roof, ya feel me? Drop some bling bombs.

We should call it St Farts!

FELICITY AND ROLAND LAUGH

So far, all the doors have been unlocked,

-but the whole place is deserted.

-Maybe they have been and gone?

Maybe they haven't got here yet.

What's that up ahead?

Just an office.

Don't blink three times in one second!

Hamish, are you sure The 99p are coming?

CHANT: Return to base!

'Multiple thermal signatures coming in through that office.'

They're outnumbered. Get the security group back online.

Close that office door.

CHANT: Steal!

-Why are they chanting?

-What do they want to steal?

-Let's go!

-If we lock that security door,

it won't only protect the team, it should keep The 99p out

-of the rest of the facility.

-I'm in the mainframe.

The Lord of the Locks is on the case.

-Lord of the Locks?

-He calls himself funny names sometimes.

CHANT: Steal them!

-'I'm locking the door, any second.'

-Any second now is not quick enough!

-They are almost on us.

-The mechanism won't activate.

-It's not responding to my commands.

-Maybe you should ask it nicely?

We can't hold it much longer. Leave this to the Lady of the Locks.

I am SO keeping these!

BANGING

-I think we made them angry.

-Looks like we have a fight on our hands,

-after all.

-Ready?

BANGING

BANGING STOPS

Er... why have they stopped?

BEEPING

They're going.

IRRITATED GRUNT

Who are The 99p? What were they looking to steal?

I ran a search of the centre. The only unusual piece of tech

I could find was the Master Communicator.

I don't see why they'd want it. It's basically a glorified telephone.

-Why were they chanting like that?

-I'm more worried about how they

-discovered the centre's location.

-I couldn't find internal security

-breaches.

-We're looking for an external breach.

I personally vet all external contact with MI9.

-What about the people who did your rebrand?

-Scraper Associates?

They're one of the biggest advertising agencies in the world.

-Did you vet them?

-They're entirely respectable, Dan.

-They installed all the billboards here at the school.

-They are

the only non-MI9 personnel who had full access to our facilities?

If St Hearts was a person, what kind of person would it be?

'Lighter teeth and brighter smile...'

Preston. Preston, what are you doing?

This is a tented Sockupation protest!

Now, who's with me?!

-'For one week only...'

-Anybody?

-'..the best that money can buy.'

Nobody?

-Oh!

-A party of one is still a party.

-Proper rubbish party, though.

Sir, we've had an idea about how YOU can promote the school.

Ooh!

Oh! Oh, yes.

Yes, excellent suggestion, Aneisha. With some professional help,

we'll sell St Hearts to the masses. There will be a stampede of people

wanting to come.

I think you are over-estimating the power of advertising, sir.

Nonsense!

-Ah!

-What's up, Keri?

The lashes might look really cool, but they are really hurting my eyes.

-Just don't...

-Blink three times, I know.

CHIMES TING

Ahem, delighted to meet you, Mr...

..Mr Scrapper.

Yes, well, we need to promote our school,

so we were thinking of a television advert.

-Want me to rebrand your product?

-Yeah.

Sell it to me.

But be warned, I've sold ice to Eskimos.

Melted ice.

You mean water?

HE GASPS

You've got 60 seconds.

And I'll want them back if you turn out to be as mediocre as you look.

59, 58... I am including the time it takes to say these words, you know?

-Well...our school...

-Our school.

-..St Hearts...

-St Hearts...

Yes, go on!

..is, um...is a school...

Keep this disaster of a pitch going while I work, will you?

'You want it? We've got it!

'Why go anywhere else? We've got it all!'

So St Hearts would be a six-legged,

move-busting, yawning morris dancer with eyes where its knees should be

and an arm in the middle of its face?

That's a nose, that is.

There it is, Frank.

I came back to find Mr Flatley gone

and this thing in the middle of my classroom.

-What a nice tent!

-It's an eyesore.

Now, Preston,

I am going to give you one more chance

-to come out of there peacefully.

-FROM TENT: No!

And also I'm boycotting all products that use advertisement.

Evict him, Frank.

Well, technically, Mrs K,

he's got the legal right to protest,

as long as he doesn't cause any disruption.

'Oi!

'Get down to my supermarket and save yourself mo-o-oney!

'Save yourself mo-o-oney.

'Save yourself mo-o-oney.

'Save yourself mo-o-oney.'

So, uh, that's St Hearts for you.

Well done.

Very well done indeed.

It takes a huge amount of talent to make something

even less interesting than it really is.

You've invented... What can I call it?

..anti-advertising.

-What was he supposed to do?

-Sell it! Sizzle it!

Don't just say, "There's a canteen."

Say, "There's an exquisite dining experience to rival The Ritz."

- Lie, then? - Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We don't approve of lying.

Advertising makes it seems

there's far more to something than meets the eye.

But you have to have something to build on in the first place.

Oh, you mean kindness and-and community?

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Are we talking "cuddly", "wuddly"?

-You've been to St Hearts, then?

-In my worst nightmares.

St Hearts doesn't need a new image and it don't need you.

I like it just the way it is.

That's it!

That's it, Daniel!

I can see the advert now.

"St Hearts - just the way it is."

Mr Scrapper, you...

are a genius!

How can we ever repay you?

You can get out of my office.

And it's "Scraper".

Come on, you three, don't dawdle - we've got an advert to shoot.

Scraper doesn't really seem like the type to be involved with The 99p.

But you can see why he'd make a good target.

He's all about making money.

Maybe someone from The 99p has infiltrated this place.

You think it's one of them?

I dunno.

Something's not right.

BUZZING

The 99p are back,

and in even greater numbers.

They've overrun the communication centre.

This time we know what they're up to.

I was wrong about the master communicator.

It was classified as a telephone device

but I've managed to decrypt the files.

It can actually control all communication technology,

from TV, phones, internet,

even radio. If they get it,

they could crash every electrical system in the world.

Banks and hospitals would close, governments could fall.

'Dan, I'm sending you the location of the master communicator.'

Right, 'Neish, with me.

We need to get to the master communicator before The 99p do.

Keri, if there is a 99p infiltrator, find them.

Now, listen, everyone, I need your atten...tion...

-TV:

-'The best that money can buy.'

It's just us, sir.

Oh.

Finally had enough of you, have they, Preston?

Well, there's only so much people can take, I suppose.

Anyway, never mind that. We haven't got a moment to lose.

I've got a camera in my office.

Let's make this advert and start attracting some fresh faces.

I'm sorry, sir, I can't be involved in any kind of commercial activity.

-TV:

-'Get your feet on the street with our amazing range of trainers.'

You can be in front of the camera.

ZIP SLIDES

I'll go fix my hair.

'The master communicator should be located 10 metres to your left.'

OK, I've got it.

You need to perform a displacement procedure on the stability fixtures

around the perimeter of the device.

You mean "unscrew it."

Yeah.

BEEPING

DISTANT VOICES

-They know we're here.

-I'm going as fast as I can.

St Hearts.

They must know we're working for MI9.

SHE GASPS

-Got it.

-Let's get out of here.

IN ROBOTIC VOICE: Steal...communicator.

Auntie?

-Frank?

-Steal...communicator.

-What's happened to them?

-Eliminate...enemies.

-Everybody from the school's here.

-They're in some kind of trance.

-Are you sure?

..crush...

-We're cut off, Hamish.

-Head for the stairs. There's a basement area.

If you can make it through, you might be able to lose them.

..crush...

Dan's right - the whole school's deserted.

No, wait.

Just Preston and Mr Flatley.

Why have the others been affected and not them?

ROBOTIC VOICES: Eliminate...enemies...eliminate...

Something affected them, but it didn't affect him.

Because he was blindfolded.

Can you zoom in?

Slow it down.

Did you see that?

There's hidden messages on Scraper's billboards.

THEY GROAN AND GRUNT

Eliminate...enemies.

Crush...crush...crush...crush...

..crush...crush...crush...crush...

..crush...crush...crush...crush...

..crush...crush...crush...

They're everywhere.

Dan, you can't let them get the master communicator.

..crush...

We need some help here. We can't fight our own classmates.

There should be a service door somewhere. Find it.

We can't get to it!

I've got an idea.

..crush...crush...

-I think they saw us come in here.

-I'm counting on it.

-What?!

We need to lure them away from the door so we can make a run for it.

How about you lure them away from the door and I'll make a run for it?

Trust me, we need to make them think they've got us.

Dan, they have got us.

Drop!

-Locked.

-How much worse can this get?

CHANTING: Crush!

That much worse.

LOUDER CHANTING: Crush!

Hurry, Dan.

Guys, we're through.

'Scraper is controlling everyone through his billboards.'

Bring the communicator back here.

Maybe Tom can use it to get control of all the billboards

in the country before they do any more harm.

What about Keri? We left her at Scraper's?

Aneisha, you bring the communicator.

'Dan, get to Keri.'

SHE GASPS

The 99p have been putting secret instructions in that advert.

I've seen this before.

It's an illegal mind-control technique,

-Subliminally Assimilated Data.

-S-A-D.

Delivers hidden instructions too fast for the conscious mind,

but the subconscious mind picks them up.

That's why The 99p want the master communicator.

They'll be able to control everyone forever and send SAD

through every communication system in the world.

Here at St Heart's,

you'll learn what the word oppression really means.

-Preston...

-This place is all about

stamping out free will and individuality

-and grinding down every last bit of hope into dust.

-Cut, cut, cut, cut.

-Preston!

-Yes?

-That's not...quite what I had in mind.

Keri!

-Admiring my work?

-You're behind The 99p? Keri, listen to me.

You know, I didn't offer you a cup of tea when you came to my office.

How rude. Would you like one?

-You've turned her into your slave.

-I'm simply sending

my SAD instructions straight into her mind through the glasses.

-That's what you've been doing through your billboards.

-Bright boy.

Sadly, until I get the master communicator,

the effect only lasts for 60 minutes at a time.

The boards have other uses.

You won't get the master communicator now, Scraper.

Recent market research suggests otherwise.

Locate MI9 base.

-ROBOTIC VOICE CHANTS:

-Locate base.

You look like one unhappy customer.

-THEY CHANT:

-Locate base.

Ah, Mrs King, you're back. Excellent.

Well, we've made pro...gress with the advert,

although we may need to lose Preston as he's a little protesty.

Oi! Cash Cow here.

Save yourself money.

-THEY CHANT:

-Locate base.

HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING

Dan and Keri aren't answering their communicators. Guys, any progress?

Powering up.

Look!

-THEY CHANT:

-Locate base.

Frank will lead them straight down here.

Tom, if the master communicator can give us control

over those billboards, can we use it to get control over those people?

-If we send out alternative SAD instructions.

-Do it.

It's not working. Scraper still has control.

These are my father's, you know?

Started up his own little grocery store with nothing but 99p,

built it up till Cash Cow supermarkets lured away his customers

with their stupid advert.

-In the end, it was only worth...

-98p.

I formed this agency and perfected SAD

to secretly turn advertising against those who use it.

With the master communicator, the SAD will infect every phone

-and television in the world.

-I will instruct everybody to stop spending.

In hours, the entire planet will know what it feels like

to be worth less than 99p.

Those are people I care about and you're using them!

Is that what your dad would have wanted?

Let's help you see the light.

Give him the glasses.

Keri, hear my voice. It's me, Dan. Listen to me.

Remember your lashes? Remember how they make your eyes sore?

I think you should blink three times.

Blink!

-What's going on?

-Usual stuff.

Well, get them!

-I need a minute to programme it.

-You don't have a minute.

They're heading our way.

He's controlling everything from the tablet. Hold them off.

-THEY CHANT:

-Locate base.

-Destroy all billboards.

-No!

-THEY CHANT:

-Destroy all billboards.

It's working. We have control.

What has happened here?!

I'll tell you what's happened.

Finally, people have listened!

They've risen up and joined me in one of my causes,

The corners have turned.

Brothers, sisters, victory!

I'll fetch my dustpan and brush.

I was wrong. I thought there was far less to you than meets the eye.

Yep, well, that's anti-advertising for you.

Go on.

-Wow.

-You know what though? These laser lashes are awesome.

-We should totally get Frank to make more, advertise them.

-No, Keri.

-But we'd make a fortune.

-No, Keri.

All right, Roland? Felicity, ready? Here we go.

St Heart's, just the way it is. Take two.

Ow!

Action.

(RAPS) Listen up and listen good.

There's loads of reasons to try and zap St Heart's.

They let you represent and are committed to the arts.

And they don't put your progress on stupid charts.

-It's all about the blag, the swag and the bling.

-Bling, bling, bling.

St Heart's is a place where you can do your thing.

Do your thing.