Revenge Is Sweet M.I. High

COMPUTER: Danger. Master antidote.

Do not remove.

Now they'll listen to me.

COMPUTER: Danger.

Danger. Danger.

Fatal temperature loss.

Antidote corrupted.

The 21st-century faces a new kind of threat,

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled, undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look, welcome to MI High.

Right, well, as you can see, the nice people at Funster Cupcakes

have given us free samples of their new sugar-free range!

So they're guilt-free, too, providing you don't eat too many.

Don't touch the cupcakes if you value your health!

They're loaded with cupodium! Say no to artificial ingredients!

Chill, Preston! Cupodium's much healthier than sugar.

I'll sign if you promise to change those shoes.

No way, serious people only.

What's wrong, gal pal? Big political issues hurting your brain?

This is President Carlotta of Cartania.

Whoa, nice coat.

Yeah. That's the important bit.

She sneaked into the UK undercover.

We've never seen a head of state do that before. What's she up to?

Holding secret discussions with this man.

George Monoblot. He advises the Government on healthy eating.

Not any more.

He lost his job last week for taking a stand against cupodium.

He's threatened revenge.

See, I don't get it. Cupodium's safe.

It's a great substitute for sugar.

But it's made in a lab.

Monoblot and Carlotta are opposed

to all chemically-engineered ingredients.

The first cupodium-based cupcakes are in the shops today.

It's too much of a coincidence that these two are meeting up.

We need to know what they're discussing.

Can we get a microphone near them?

Not easily. The next meeting is somewhere here.

Find out what they're up to.

So, I'll try again.

The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares

on the other two sides, yes?

Yo, this is well bangin', you get me?

So where can I see this square hippopotamus then?

No, it's not an animal, Roland.

It's a mathematical formula.

We should turn it into like a song.

# Equal to the sum Equal to the sum

# E, E, equal to the sum

# Equal to the sum! # OK, that's enough now.

Sit at your desks, please!

# E, E, equal to the sum! # Sit down.

I said that is enough now.

Hello?!

Mr Flatley. You mustn't encourage the pupils to be so headstrong.

It's chaos out there. They're going mad for maths, of all things.

Something wrong?

It's amazing. What?

The way your eyes sparkle when you're angry.

We really should spend more time together, don't you think?

I don't know what I think, Mr Flatley,

other than the fact you've gone completely mad.

There it is! That wonderful sense of humour.

Come and have a seat. Let's explore the wonders of the heart.

OK.

I'm going to say no, as I don't really know what that entails.

New things are coming to St Hearts, Mrs King!

Lovely things.

Fun things.

We can't hear anything, Dan. Try and get a bit closer.

Is it safe?

The bird is in the nest.

Got it.

Switching feeds.

Careful, Keri. Too much movement.

Pull your hat down a bit.

We don't make mistakes, Mr Monoblot.

Our agent in the cupodium plant has done well. They have success...

Head up, Keri, we'll do the fashion shots later.

So, don't worry.

Hey!

You dropped something.

Thanks. Close call, Keri.

That's why they call it undercover.

This stupid country has chosen the wrong man to humiliate.

Let's see how they feel after a few cupcakes

and the full effects of cupodium triple X.

We lost some important information

when Keri got a bit too interested in footwear.

My hat slipped.

So, what is cupodium triple X?

Here. I think I found something. Frank, you've got it.

COMPUTER: Following the successful testing of cupodium

as a sugar substitute,

we decided to investigate the properties

of a stronger compound, cupodium triple X.

Shortly after ingesting the triple X compound,

our volunteers found that life had become more joyous and fun.

All seemed fine until...

Hold on, the next bit must be bad.

Your president has offered me diplomatic asylum.

OK, here's the next bit.

COMPUTER: Some hours after eating cupodium triple X,

the subjects moved into stage two, a severe kind of rage.

We have concluded that cupodium triple X is unstable

and all future trials have been cancelled.

If Monoblot's put cupodium triple X in the cupcakes,

we're in big trouble.

How many cupcakes have been eaten so far?

At a guess, two million?

Everyone might be happy now,

but we're heading for nationwide rage and riots.

TV: That's the Prime Minister arriving at the new college now.

We're hoping he might comment on the many reports of odd behaviour

occurring across the country.

Prime Minister, are you going to say anything?

What about the disturbing events across country?

Just a few words.

To all those who have stopped working in order to do happy things,

please consider your actions.

It's great to see so many people out there doing fun stuff,

but playing football on a busy motorway is just irresponsible.

Now about these malicious rumours.

Get me the PM, now!

These recent incidents have nothing whatsoever

to do with cupodium in cupcakes.

His phone's on silent.

Well, send him a text! He mustn't eat that cake.

I give you my personal assurance they are perfectly healthy

and safe to eat. Look. No, surely he's not going to...

Don't!

Mmm, lovely.

Ah, note from the office.

"Don't eat the cupcake!"

Oh, crumbs!

Come on! Get in line! Enough! Back to your desks!

I said, back to your desks!

# E is equal to the sum! #

Shimmy shimmy, step and turn!

This is outrageous!

Oh, Mr Flatley, we have to get some control out there.

They're dancing to maths.

Ah, Mrs King!

It's unnatural.

How lovely to see you. Come in, come in.

Take the weight off those overworked legs.

RADIO: And now the weather.

Most of northern England and north Wales will be dull...

Oh, let's not worry about bad news. Ah!

When the world is full joy.

Cupcake?

Mr Monoblot, are you a traitor?

I am an adviser.

I warned this government not to infect our food chain

with cupodium, so now it's my turn to teach you

a lesson about the dangers of messing with chemicals.

Mr Monoblot, what do you know about the cupcakes? I changed the formula.

The cakes on sale today contain cupodium triple X,

which has some interesting side effects.

When stage one moves to stage two,

this country will really be in chaos.

This is the only antidote.

If you want it before this country goes up in flames,

I have two demands - one, an immediate ban on all cupodium in food

and, two, a safe passage to Cartania.

Are you going to hold this country to ransom?

Mr Monoblot is on Cartanian territory.

He has our full protection.

Any attempt to remove him will be treated as an act of war.

The cupcakes are being recalled now,

but people have already eaten them.

And the euphoria stage only lasts a few hours.

Coming soon, rage and anger.

I don't need to tell you how tricky this is.

Hello? It's easy.

If we give Monoblot everything he asks for

and then he chooses to leave the country, then we get the antidote.

If only it were that simple. Is he calling me simple?

We can't give in to blackmail, Keri.

There's a whole bunch of nasties out there

waiting to see if we buckle first.

Why is Carlotta so keen to help Monoblot?

Just what I've been thinking.

The Cartanians supply the world's purist sugar

and if we stop buying that and switch to cupodium...

Their economy collapses.

Precisely. That's the real reason the president's helping Monoblot.

We need to go in after the antidote, Stella.

Negative, Frank. He has diplomatic immunity. You heard Carlotta.

Do you want a war? Emergency cabinet has been called.

Upwards of a million people have eaten those cakes.

They're going to be getting very angry, very soon.

I still can't give that order.

SHE LAUGHS Order. Order.

That's a funny word. Order!

Order!

Oh, dear, naughty. I forgot about that.

You know, you should do something with your hair, Frank.

You look like a big girl.

That's another order!

Prime Minister, are you going to say anything?

What are you going to do about Monoblot's threat?

Are we now at war with Cartania?

Oh, it's such a lovely day, folks.

Do you know, I'm minded to give Mr Monoblot everything he's asking for.

Prime Minister, surely we can't give in to blackmail?

Oh, don't be such a moaning minnie!

Bit weird. Who knew she was a secret eater.

Who knew she could laugh?

Stella has been temporarily relieved of her command.

So, mission on.

You have to be very careful, guys.

A single slip could mean disaster. The embassy is heavily armed.

They're obviously expecting trouble.

We think that's a rocket launcher on the roof.

That's why you're coming through the basement.

I found a network of old sewers.

Monoblot needs to keep the antidote at a precise temperature.

Hence the special briefcase.

It needs charging every four hours. That gives us our only chance.

At 12 o'clock, he'll plug it in. That's when you two make your move,

but there are two big problems - one, Monoblot's threat.

If he destroys the antidote, we're finished.

And two?

If you get caught, you're on your own.

We can't risk all-out war. All communication will be cut.

So, no backup?

Sorry. I have to be clear about the risks.

MI9 will deny you exist.

Hey. What about me?

Cover the exits.

Oh, lovely! My favourite bus stop!

Has the number 66 been yet, love?

# Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

# Oh, I do like to be beside the sea... #

Not exactly what I'd call food.

I have a little present for you.

Well, it's more of a proposal, really.

What exactly are you doing?

Oh come, come Hermione, we both know what's happening here.

You and I, we're like... We're like two peas in a pod,

but this mad world keeps us apart.

It's time to make it official!

Not today, thanks.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

You? Me?

Mr Flatley! Are you all right?

Oh, shut up, Mrs King!

I don't know why you bother hanging around!

I'm trying to get some order in this school!

That is so typical, isn't it?

It's all about you, isn't it? It's all me, me, me!

I beg your pardon?

Well, I'm keeping my present and that's the end of it.

Oh! But I really want it now.

Where's my bus?

I'm not sure.

Do I look like I'm talking to you? Where's my bus?

Sorry about the drains, guys, it was the only way in.

Now make it quick. We're getting reports of stage two kicking in.

Eugh!

The PM's about to sign off an agreement.

It'll give Monoblot everything.

Sending the wrong message to every major criminal in the world.

Reports coming in of riots kicking off in some towns and cities.

Police are losing control.

Halt!

You two, here.

You smell like a toilet, you filthy creatures!

You have betrayed your oath of purity!

I shall impose a fitting punishment.

Guards!

Tom, cut communications.

Eugh! Tom!

All I want is a simple bus!

Tom, I'm sending you a photo shoot.

Try and see if you can see what I see.

Keri, Dan and Aneisha have been intercepted.

I've had to cut communication.

No, Frank, you can't leave them in there!

They knew the risks.

If we're lucky, they won't get identified as MI9.

Let me try. I might have something that will interest Monoblot.

You don't have the experience, Keri! Where is my bus?

I may not be all spyish, but I know I can get into that building.

Where is it? Keri, we can't guarantee your safety.

You don't have any specialist equipment.

I think I've got what I need. I want them to bring that bus here now!

Buy one of my cupcakes for charity?

These are Cartanian cupcakes. No artificial flavours.

First one for free?

No! Mr Flatley, give me the ring!

No!

Come back here, Mrs King! Yes!

Don't! Give me that.

There's riots happening all over the country! It's on the news!

Something to do with cupodium triple X!

You is blocking my moves, bruv. It's all about the one-two, innit?

No way - slide and shimmy.

So did any of you have a cupcake this morning?

Ow! I'll take that as a yes! Oh!

# Purity is liberty Cartanians are free. #

I don't know who you are and I don't care, take one more step

and I'll destroy the lot! Please, I'm here to help.

You're just a girl.

A special agent.

Who really admires your work.

Well, then you'll know why I had to get revenge.

This stupid country ignores everything I say.

George, listen. President Carlotta is using you.

The Cartanians are good and pure.

President Carlotta isn't. Look.

So? She likes coats.

Look at the bags. She's been using it all along.

To make the sugar go further she's been mixing cupodium in.

So it's not pure sugar?

No, and she's making loads of money.

That's why she's backing your campaign.

If we ban cupodium, then she gets to sell more Cartanian sugar.

Which is full of cupodium! It's a win-win for Carlotta.

If this gets out, I'll be ruined! I'm not a bad man. I...

That's why you have to do the right thing.

Give back the antidote.

No, it's too late. Stage two has started!

The master antidote is highly concentrated.

We need millions of gallons of water.

We'll never get it to all those people in time.

Keri, the streets are filling up with raging people.

Any sign of a breakthrough?

There might be something we can do.

Thanks, Keri, understood.

We need to get the PM's live feed back up.

Keri has a plan.

We have to find a way to get everyone outside.

Looks like he's hit stage two.

OK, he's angry, he's mad.

Let's try a bit of reverse psychology.

Send him a text. "Stop hiding indoors, you coward.

"Come out and fight! This country hates you!"

Hold on, better idea.

Send it to everybody.

Give me that ring!

Come and get it!

PHONE BEEPS

"This country hates you"?

I'll show them hate.

Hey! Come back here and propose, you big bear!

How long have you been there?

The word you're looking for is "thanks". Quick, up to the roof.

Sorry to spoil your fun,

but nobody gets the antidote till I get news of the cupodium ban.

Well, what are you waiting for? Arrest her!

We can't take down a head of state. Exactly.

Oh, George, always one step behind.

I'm presuming these are government agents?

I'll enjoy having you all dismissed and your department shut down.

COMMUNICATOR BEEPS

'Keri, check your spy pod.

'There's a headline that might interest the president.'

Deposed?

We sent the fashion shoot to your government.

Not your best idea,

polluting the finest sugar in the world with cupodium.

Your people hate you. Your country hates you.

And we...

moderately dislike you.

Nice coat, though, yeah.

I've had enough of you people.

You think it's clever to send stupid texts?

If you think you're better than me, come on.

Come out of your houses, come out of your offices,

come out of your stupid cars!

Let's see what you're made of.

Let's take this outside!

OK. OK, that's it, I give up!

You...you can have the cupodium.

So, Keri, are you going to tell us what the plan is?

Just hoping for a rainy day.

How do you dilute antidote? Just add water.

Will it work? Fingers crossed.

The antidote is absorbed through the skin.

It should send the stages of cupodium triple X into reverse.

I'll show them hate!

HE LAUGHS

Oh! Mrs King!

You're wearing my ring!

Take your hands off me!

Do you know who you're dealing with?

It's official. The PM's given Monoblot a pardon.

He did the right thing in the end.

You know, I think my skills should be taken a bit more seriously

from now on. Oh, what are your skills?

ANEISHA LAUGHS

Oh!

Mr Flatley, I believe this is yours.

Yes, yes, of course. I wondered where that went.

What did I do with the box?

Now, I'm going to go and get some proper food.

Right, yes, yes.

Probably best to avoid the cupcakes, Mrs King.

Newsflash! Thousands of cupcakes have been recalled!

The cupodium threat is over!

What have I always said? Protest works!

Oh.