The Shadow Games M.I. High

-ANNOUNCER:

-"Captains of KORPS! Assassins of Scapula! The deadliest warriors in the world are waiting.

"History beckons.

"Are you ready for the Shadow Games?

"We are about to go live and it's gonna be fabulous!"

'The 21st century faces a new kind of threat

'and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.'

'Hidden in a place no villain will think to look -

'welcome to MI High.'

Take your seats, please!

Quickly! I have an announcement to make.

All normal lessons are suspended for today.

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, Miss!

No-one's going home, Felicity.

Oh, man.

Let go now, Roland.

Sorry, Miss.

I have enrolled us on a new scheme called

Centralised Revision for Academy and Class Education.

Or, CRAC-ED for short.

CRACKED, more like.

Pre-recorded lessons sent from the Ministry of Education.

Right.

-NARRATOR SPEAKS SLOWLY:

-This possum spends its days doing nothing...

-STUDENTS GROAN

-..nothing at all.

-This is so boring!

Not even moving.

And by regulating its breathing, it can even appear to have died.

If you've ever heard the phrase "playing possum",

it means playing dead.

-Hey, Frank.

-What's up? I didn't call you.

Keri.

Have a seat.

Um, am I in trouble?

I've been monitoring your development and I'm worried.

I saved the day the other week at the Embassy.

A rare success, as far as I can see.

A few days before, you were late for the factory mission, because,

and I quote, "you got chatting".

I did say sorry.

While stalking a rogue nuclear scientist, your phone went off,

jeopardising the whole operation.

That wasn't my fault. Trina knows she's meant to text first.

Aneisha was captured as a result and you're lucky she wasn't hurt.

I have 22 serious incidences,

including 12 of missed training.

I learn really fast.

It makes you a lazy student.

Are you firing me?

-Stella, we've got a situation.

-One moment, Frank.

Lack of focus in this business can get your friends killed.

I need you 100% here, or not at all.

-NARRATOR:

-After 30 minutes, the possum still has not moved...

Hedgehogs! Roller coasters!

Oh, weird dream.

BEEPING SOUND

..not a twitch, not a sound or movement.

Samantha Stiletto will secretly enter the country today to take part in the Shadow Games.

The Spectre? But she's been in MI9's most wanted for years.

-She's deadly.

-That's why you'll be wearing masks when you arrest her.

If she escapes, we don't want her knowing who you are.

-Are you OK?

-Mm-hm.

-I'll send the coordinates of her drop point to your spypods.

-Great, let's go!

Achoo!

SHE GRUNTS

Achoo!

Sorry.

Forget it.

Careful, Spectre's got some deadly moves.

SHE GROANS

OK, hands up who forgot to mention they get hay fever?

Cheer up, Keri. We just caught one of the best assassins in the world.

It's nothing to sneeze about.

I'll go get the parachute. You never know, it might be evidence.

-NARRATOR:

-And after two hours of playing dead,

-the possum is eaten by a predator, who wasn't fooled for a second.

-THEY GROAN

What?! Nothing happens and then he gets eaten?

OK. I can see it's not a total success yet,

so why don't we have one more CRACKED... CRAC-ED lesson after break

and if it's still no better, we'll stop. Mm?

-ANNOUNCER:

-"Greetings, Mighty Spectre. We are so thrilled to have you here!

Um, can I help you?

HE LAUGHS

OK. Hi.

"Are you ready to play?"

Um, can I meet you there?

I... I've just got to pick up some stuff.

Really looking forward to the, you know, the thing.

"No, no, no. No time for that. We go live in one hour.

"If you'd accompany these gentlemen, we can get this show on the road."

Can anyone hear me? HER VOICE ECHOES

I don't know what to do.

"Contestants prepare for battle!

"The Shadow Games are about to begin!"

Keri! Keri, stop messing about!

Keri's been taken.

It must be KORPS. They've been looking for her for months.

They'll be wiring her up to that mind transfer machine right now.

They must have been there to meet the Spectre for the Shadow Games.

Maybe that's where Keri's been taken.

-What are The Shadow Games?

-You know who Scapula are?

Assassins. They're the division of KORPS the Crime Minister calls if she wants anyone assassinated?

The Shadow Games are Scapula's way of finding a new leader.

The four top assassins in the world fight it out

and the winner becomes the new Shadow Master.

It's weird. The footprints show there were only three of them.

There were no scuff marks on the ground. She didn't even fight back. Why?

-What was that look for?

-Now is probably not the best time.

They may as well know, Frank.

There's concern that Keri may not be agent material.

-And you told her, didn't you?

-Guys, found something.

"It's the greatest show on Earth!

"Let's get ready for the Shadow Games!"

They televise it?

Only on a secure channel. It's almost impossible to hack.

"First up, the Melbourne Monster.

"Careful, or he'll take you down under! Ha-ha-hum.

"He's got quite the temper, you know."

Is this a joke?!

"It is said that he can walk through solid walls

"and grind bones to dust."

Funny, he's got such a kind face(!)

"Next, Mrs Deadman,

"the slayer who will really stitch you up.

"With these needles, she'll knit you a nightmare.

"She may look friendly, but no, no. look out, mister, she's...

"Oh-oh-oh! Bye-bye!"

Who actually watches this stuff?

Top KORPS officers and members of Scapula.

It gives them a chance to see who they might be working with.

"Are you listening? I said, 'Are you listening?!'

"We are in the presence of greatness.

"The voice of the destruction himself, Thalamus!

You will lose.

My voice will be the last thing that you will ever hear.

It's just a reality show for megalomaniacs and assassins.

"And, finally, the lightning slayer,

"the Spectre, Samantha Stiletto!"

-That's Keri.

-What's she doing there?

"Oh, she is one my favourites."

It looks like we got lucky. They've no idea who she really is.

Lucky?! How's she supposed to stand up to the best assassins in the world,

when you've told her she's no good?

"Four assassins,

"only one will become...

-Where is this place?

-"..the Shadow Master!"

They keep the location a secret.

-"Only one will survive."

-There's nothing on the MI9 database.

"It could be the best Shadow Games since Alexis von Hades

"destroyed all three of his opponents during the warm-up!"

We have to stop this. There must be someone who knows where this place is.

They just said Von Hades won the Shadow Games. We could ask him.

-Maybe he'll feel he owes us.

-No one's seen or heard of the ex-Shadow Master

since you broke him out of prison last year.

That's not strictly true.

-Hey?

-It's classified.

-Oh, Stella, come on!

I'll send the address to your spypods.

I'll come, too.

If he's not there I'll hack into his computer, find out where he's gone.

Spies, bring her back. Please.

Stella, why didn't you let me help her catch up?

-She was doing OK!

-OK is not good enough!

-"Don't go anywhere, viewers! This is about to get nasty!"

-HE CACKLES

No, wait. This is crazy.

What if we do find Von Hades? We can't trust him.

He's an assassin!

He'd still be a leader of Scapula, if he hadn't tried to take over KORPS.

I know it's dangerous,

but I think he's liked us ever since we broke him out of prison.

So we're gambling our lives and Keri's

on a hunch that an assassin has a soft spot for us?

Guys, look.

"First up, the Spectre versus the Monster. This one's going to hurt!"

We don't have a choice.

She doesn't stand a chance and this is the only lead we've got.

"Black is definitely the colour for Spectre."

Let's go.

"Let's talk fashion no more. It is time!"

Looks like Von Hades isn't here.

-"Five, four, three...

-We're already too late!

-"..two..."

-All we can do is watch.

-"Release the clamps!"

-ANNOUNCER CACKLES

-"Oh, this is so exciting."

This is a nightmare.

She'll be OK if she keeps running.

She can't run from him for ever. We need to find her.

How are going to do that without Von Hades?

"Spectre is nowhere to be seen. Oh, she's there look!"

No, Keri, you can't fight that!

"He is unflinching at her hits. Maybe she cannot hurt him.

-"Oh, she's running away!"

-Run, Keri!

-"Scaredy cat!"

-Oh! NARRATOR:

-In this CRAC-ED programme,

we look at the slow, dull life..

-SOUND BREAKS UP

-..and demonstrate why...

-MRS KING GROANS

"Now, in the other arena, Thalamus and Mrs Deadman are going head-to-head

"in a great martial arts match-up.

"The Voice against the Cross-Stitch. This could be exciting, no?"

What is this?

This is more interesting than the big rat that doesn't move!

See? I told you it would improve.

"Oh, Thalamus is going to be very upset.

-"He will come for you, Mrs Deadman!"

-Tom have you got anything?

Nothing. It's weird.

He was on his computer literally seconds before we got here.

He must have just left.

They're going back to Keri.

"And I think it's going to build up, so here we are.

"The Melbourne Monster. He is looking for the Spectre."

"He is approaching.

"I imagine the Spectre is pretty scared at this point,

"but she must have a plan, for this is what she does."

"Uh-oh! The Monster Constrictor! This is very exciting!"

-He's got her!

-Get out of there, Keri!

She's in real trouble.

"Very shortly. the Spectre loses all feeling in her muscles.

-"Bye-bye, Spectre!"

-Why isn't she doing anything?

She's rubbish.

Well, I like the Spectre. I've always favoured the underdog.

-Go on!

-Takes one to know one.

It's a good show, but what's the point in the lesson?

"Anyway, let's go back and we count down the time... Hang on, what's this?"

-STUDENTS: You're scalped, man!

-I can't look.

"Oh, stiff upper lip there, Monster!

"She has removed part of his moustache!

"He is going to be so angry. Run, Spectre, because he will be coming for you!"

"He is going to destroy you, Spectre!

"Say goodbye to the viewers!"

"What a clever move!"

"She knocks out the Melbourne Monster!"

"I said all along, if you remember, viewers,

"that she was my favourite and I knew that she would win.

-"We did not see that coming, but..."

-Maybe she can win this.

-MAN'S VOICE:

-No.

She won't win, whoever she is.

Where are you?!

You were here the whole time?

I met the Spectre and this is not her.

So who is this girl and why is she so important?

She is our friend. Can't tell you who she is.

Maybe I'll find out if she wins.

-What do you mean?

-Scapula must know who leads them. The winner must show their face.

Right, so if she loses, she gets pummelled and if she wins...

If she wins, KORPS will find out and that'll be worse.

-We need your help.

-HE LAUGHS

Do you now? What makes you think I'll help you?

We were hoping that you might help because you like us?

"Let's go back to the other contest!"

"Oh, here we go!

"Unlucky, Thalamus. I think we can safely say it is bye... Oh!"

The longer you fight me, the worse the defeat I shall inflict,

the worse the humiliation.

I will give you an end that will heap shame upon you

and your family, or you can submit to me now!

-"It's the Voice!"

-CHEERING

"This is the Voice we talked about earlier, ladies and gentlemen viewers!"

ANEISHA: Frank, we're on our way to the Shadow Games.

Von Hades said he'd help us out.

This is all my fault.

Don't blame yourself. It was me who hired her.

I put her in danger in the first place.

What did Von Hades do to those guards? I mean, wow.

Is no one else worried about why he agreed to help us?

I mean, you know it's not because he likes us, right?

Agh!

-Frank? We're here.

-Be careful. There's lots of Scapula agents in there.

-We're sending in two full MI9 tactical units, plus aerial assault.

-No. Just us.

Keri could get hurt.

Von Hades has a plan and I think it'll work.

But it's MI9 protocol!

Let them do it, Stella.

You didn't trust me on Keri. Trust me on this.

Good luck, agents.

"Captains of KORPS, assassins of Scapula,

"it is now time for the final the Shadow Games!

"And let me introduce you to your two finalists, the Spectre!"

BOOING AND CHEERING

"Thalamus!"

CHEERING AND BOOING

"Five, four, three, two, one,

"release the clamps!"

It would have been quicker to kill them. Sentimentality weakens you.

-Be ready.

-Why are you helping us?

You ask me to help, I help.

If you don't want me to help, I can leave.

Nah. Nah, I just wish I knew why.

Would you do anything different if you knew the answer to that question?

I wonder. Be ready.

"Like two preying lions in the corner of the room.

-"A kick to the knee!"

-Oh, I felt that from here!

-"Oh, she's down!"

-Stay down, Spectre, you can't win!

-Come on! Come on, yes!

-She doesn't give up easily, does she?

-"Now what is she going to do here?"

-Oh!

"The Patella Pinch!"

Oh, it's not a fair fight"

"She is looking very weak."

-THALAMUS:

-It is hard to know that you will fail

and, when you have failed,

what is to stop you from failing

again and again?

Give up and I promise you a quick and relatively painless defeat.

HE LAUGHS

-ANEISHA THROUGH DOOR:

-Keri!

-Keri, can you hear me?

Please help me!

I will help you. I will make it quick.

Keri we've got a plan, but, for it work, you have to lose.

He'll kill me.

I will kill you, if you fight me.

< Not if you submit.

The second your match is over, someone will challenge Thalamus.

Yeah, if he shows up.

We'll get you out while they're fighting.

You don't have a choice.

You can't beat him. You're not up to it.

You are just not up to this!

-"She has blocked him!"

-What's she doing?

"Could this be game on?"

You're the third person that's told me today I'm not up to it.

Frankly, it sickens me!

CHEERING

You have no skills to match mine!

-"This is her trademark move!"

-Go on Spectre, go on!

-STUDENTS CHEER

"The Patella Pinch!"

-"Now, what is she going to do here?"

-I learn really quickly

and today I had lessons from three of the greatest assassins in the world.

I learnt this from the Monster.

-"Oh, it's the Constrictor move!"

-Go on, Spectre, come on!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY CHANT Spectre, Spectre, Spectre!

You cannot defeat me! It is impossible!

-VOICE ECHOES: It's inevitable.

-"She's using the Voice!"

USES THE VOICE: Every attack that you make makes me stronger.

There's no kick, no punch,

no move that you can do that won't come right back at you.

THEY CHANT Spectre, Spectre, Spectre, Spectre!

USES THE VOICE: The war is over.

You've been beaten.

"Thalamus is down! I cannot believe what I'm seeing!

"The greatest fight of all time! Spectre wins! Spectre wins!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's all right. Settle down everyone, thank you. Mrs King?

And that CRAC-ED programme class clearly demonstrates

how the human race triumphed over brutality and ignorance,

thanks to its ability to learn. Oh!

Did it? I mean, yes, yes, I suppose it did. Very clever. KLAXON

Oh!

You were supposed to lose. Now they'll find out you're not the Spectre.

We're all in danger now. Get ready to run.

"Now, Spectre, reveal your face to those who will serve you!

"The Shadow Master must have no secrets from the agents of Scapula!"

-Wait!

-STUDENT: Who is this clown, man?

I claim the right of an ex-Shadow Master to fight for my own title.

This is the best show ever!

You were meant to fight Thalamus not K...

This is against the rules!

Rules? This is Scapula. Rules are made by the victor.

"This really is the best Shadow Games ever!

"I will allow the challenge. I will allow the challenge!"

USES THE VOICE: I can beat you just like the others.

"She's trying the Voice."

I'm younger.

-"He blocks her easily."

-Quicker.

And I learn fast.

Then learn this.

Learn when to speak and when to fight.

Your learning is no use here.

In 25 years, I've never used the same move twice.

Each attack is an invention.

Each battle is a new martial art.

You have learned much today. Now learn this.

Learn

when to die.

THEY GASP

He killed her!

"This really is the best Shadow Games ever!

-"He is my favourite Shadow Master and he is back!

-STUDENT: Oh, no.

"Alexis von Hades, please talk to us! Tell us what you want!

"We are listening, Alexis von Hades!"

My first command is simple. Evacuate.

MI9 know of this location and they infiltrate us as we speak.

Regroup at the weapons store in three days.

I am Alexis von Hades and I am the Shadow Master

and I am back.

Until next time, this show is over.

Possums, spectres.

Never ends well for the hero in these CRACKED programmes, does it?

-Well, it does seem to have left everybody a little flat.

-Hm.

Keri!

We didn't save her!

You were right not to trust Von Hades, Dan. I'm so sorry.

Why did he go so hard on her?

Actually, he didn't.

How?

I could tell he was pulling his punches,

so when he told me to learn when to die,

I did what I was told.

-We both faked it.

-Where did you learn to play dead like that?

I saw a CRACKED show about possums!

-Team, you did a good job.

-We couldn't have done it without the Shadow Master.

Although, him becoming the new boss of Scapula wasn't part of the plan.

Not our plan.

I traced a tip-off that led us to the Spectre.

It came from Von Hades.

You don't think he planned all this to get his old job back?

We've not heard the last of the Shadow Master.

I still think he likes us.

Well done, team.

Stella.

I thought about what you said and I'll admit I doubted myself.

But, today, I defeated two of the world's greatest assassins

and I faked my own death on live TV

and I'm still standing.

So I'm going to stay and you're going to let me.

USES THE VOICE: You know that MI9

will be better off with me

fighting its battles.

-OK?

-OK.

Did you just use the Voice on me?

STUDENT: "Captains of St Hearts!

"Welcome to the St Hearts games!

"Introducing the first round match - the King against the Flatenator!"

OK. I think I know what might have happened.

SHRIEKING

Agh! No!