Strictly No Pets Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# Pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad and lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

When we moved back to England, I set my heart on getting a dog.

I have a sister, but she doesn't come when I whistle or play fetch.

My parents said they'd think about it, which means a big fat no,

but I'm not asking any more

because I've got something better, way better.

Whoa!

THEY ALL SQUEAL AND SHOUT

-Whoa! Those sweets really hit the spot.

-What do you call them?

-Lemon bombshells.

-I've got to have another.

-Yeah, gimme gimme gimme.

You heard him, let's party down. We'll take all you've got.

I've only got one left.

-1 million?

-No, one.

1000?

-No, just one.

-One?!

-That bad boy is mine!

-No!

'They were living in the basement when we moved into the house,

'and I'm the only one who knows about them.

'Keeping them a secret from my family isn't going to be easy.

'I'm thinking the first ten years will be the hardest.'

Listen!

There's only one fair way to settle this.

-I'll have to eat it.

-No, no!

Whatever happened to sharing and caring?

Got to get some more of those bombshells.

-I'll have to go and ask mum.

-Want us to have a word

-with the upstairs human thingy people?

-No, you three stay here.

They'll throw a fit if they discover monsters are in the basement.

Monsters? Where?!

Relax, he means us.

Eddie Carlson, you've had enough of those for one day.

Not true, I can eat loads more and I'm willing to prove it.

Nice try, but the sweet police say no.

-OK, I'll just take three.

-Right, you're under arrest.

You're coming to the station.

Stop it!

By the way, Eddie,

have you taken my cookbooks?

No, I'm allergic to books.

I'm a cook! I need these recipes for my work.

The food looks delicious!

I'll say.

I'm having the chicken fricassee with asparagus.

I'm having the lamb chops, mashed potatoes and gravy.

HE SPEAKS MONSTER

Ha ha! Bon appetit!

And it tastes as good as it looks.

Quick, hide.

I see the estate agent's sign is still out the front.

I called them this morning. They said they'd send someone over

-to collect it.

-Hmm. They've been promising that all week.

Kate, do you sense the strange presence in this house?

Nick, that's no way to talk about our children.

-I get this feeling we're not alone.

-I know, there's two of them.

-Hi, Dad.

-Hey. When I'm in the house, I feel like I'm being watched.

You've been under a lot of strain with the job and the house move.

-Yeah, Dad, maybe your mind has snapped.

-My mind is fine.

Which part of England have we moved to? Was it Spook Hill?

I know there has been a lot of odd things happening lately but I'm sure

there's a perfectly rational explanation.

Well, stuff is going missing from my room. First my iPod,

-now my hair straighteners.

-Are you sure? Maybe you misplaced them.

Well, I'm fairly sure because they were in my hand at the time.

-Maybe we've got a rodent.

-A mouse having a bad hair day?

-Anything is possible.

-Well, if you see one with a quiff, kick his butt.

Wow, everyone is a little cranky today.

OK then, see you later, crazy people.

Not so fast.

What?

Let's be having them.

All of them.

What about the shoe?

Man, you're good.

Yes!

Oh, Eddie, did you get the lemon bombshells?

Did you, did you, did you?

-I tried.

-Oh! You failed on the most important mission of your life?!

Norman, why are you wearing a pair of my dad's underpants

-on your head?

-He's a trend setter.

Where he leads, others follow.

You know, you shouldn't go upstairs, you could have been spotted.

We're monsters, we're not very big on the whole discipline thing.

You've got to stop taking things.

My parents are getting seriously suspicious.

If they find out about you, they'll make you leave.

What are you saying? They won't like me?

Because I need to be loved.

I can't handle rejection.

Me, I've got nothing to worry about.

I'm adorable. It's the eyes, you see.

Who could resist?

I'm having a panic attack. Panic attack!

Shhh.

OK, listen. I'm a big monster fan, huge.

I think you guys are the best but grown-ups see the world differently.

For example, my mum and dad really like peace and quiet.

-LOUDLY:

-Quiet? We can do that.

I mean, we've never actually tried but how hard can it be?

OK, here we go.

Zip it up, put a sock in it, turn the volume way down low.

Here comes the big hush. In a moment, you won't be able to hear

a sound, not a thing, not a peep.

The silence will be deafening.

Deafening, I tells you!

You're not very good at this, are you?

Well, aren't you the picky one?

Although, Norman, I thought you did quite well.

-He never speaks.

-Haggis, I was impressed with you, too.

And he's got nothing to say!

It's true, my brain is the size of a pea.

BRAIN RATTLES RHYTHMICALLY

Hey, that's pretty cool.

# I've got eyes, baby I've got eyes

# You can't creep up on me

# Blink and move, feel the groove Do the eyeball rap with me

# I'm saying I'm an eyeball man... #

CLUNK! Wait!

Wait, I think my brain just fell out my ear.

SQUELCH!

Whoops! Sorry.

It's no biggy.

-It's not like I was using it!

-Yeah, hmm.

Mr Carlson, I put the sold sign on the van,

and here are your spare house keys.

-Expecting trouble?

-Oh, this?

Er, big sports fan. Yeah.

Fore!

Er, so, how are you settling in?

Yeah, great, great. The house - was it on the market long?

A few weeks?

How many, just out of interest?

Er, two...(hundred and seventeen.)

Really? Do most houses take that long to sell?

Are you kidding? Good ones get snapped up like that.

Why do you think it took so long?

Well, I think your place has a lot more character than most.

-You noticed that, huh?

-Oh, yes, beautiful. Yes, beautiful.

-Do you want to come in?

-Oh, no! No! Places to go, people to see.

Enjoy. You have a dream place.

HE SPEAKS MONSTER

Norman has a plan.

Norman says let's tiptoe upstairs,

crawl along the corridor, sneak into the kitchen,

find the sweetie jar and have away with the lemon bombshells.

-He said all that?

-Mm-hm.

Norman says and while we're up there, let's say hi to your folks!

No! You're not ready to meet them just yet.

And I'm certain they're not ready to meet you.

I don't think you want to share your family with us.

Yeah!

I think you want to keep them all to yourself.

Not true. If you knew my sister Angela, you'd never say that.

We know when we're not wanted!

Perhaps you should just go on upstairs and forget all about us.

We'll just stay down here in some dark, dank,

dingy corner of the basement, all on our lonesomes!

Is he buying this?

I don't know, but I am!

Perhaps the next owners will welcome us into the bosom of their family.

Ha ha ha ha ha! He said "bosom"!

Not now, you numbskulls!

OK, listen, one day soon, I promise, when my parents are in

an all-time great mood, I'll figure out a way to introduce you.

But for now, you've got to be patient.

And first, you've got to prove to me you can behave.

Oh, yeah, anything!

Behaving is what we're all about.

We're reformed characters now.

OK, let's try the silence thing again.

GURGLING

FARTING

GURGLING

Uh-oh...

Why are you running?

Did you feel that? Are there earthquakes in England?

-That was like five on the Richter scale!

-Eddie, are you OK?

-Can you smell lemons?

-Eddie?

Er, what's all the fuss about?

-Did you hear that noise?

-What noise?

The rest of the street seems to be OK.

That means whatever it was came from inside the house.

OK, if I was going to freak out, now would be the time.

-We have to search this place.

-What's with the "we"?

You're overreacting. It's an old house. It's probably just dry rot.

No, I think we've got some really big ghosts.

No, I think you've got a really big imagination.

-What are you doing up here?!

-We need those lemon bombshells!

I mustn't let my blood-sugar levels drop. I get irritable.

-Eddie, is someone there?

-Hide!

Eddie, who were you talking to?

There were really big ghosts.

What did they say(?)

-Boo!

-Ah!

Take this. You may need to defend yourself.

With a potato masher?

Who knows what you're going to encounter?!

If I find something, should I boil it first?

Eddie, come with me. Angela, go with your mother.

-What do you expect to find?

-Evil.

After you.

-Why are we going upstairs?

-Shhh!

Tippy-toe! Tippy-toe!

No.

There's no point looking under the bed!

Why are you talking so loudly?

-LOUDLY:

-I'm not talking loudly!

Let's have a look in here.

I want to scream. But I'm too lazy.

Do you smell fish?

It's more like Brussels sprouts.

Yeah, and blue cheese.

With a hint of nappy.

I think there's something behind the door. Shhh!

It's all clear.

-I could have sworn I heard breathing.

-There's no-one there.

Because when I close my eyeballs, I am invisible.

SCREAMING

Just practising!

The scream's working fine.

SCREAMING

Please don't flush.

Don't worry, I'll protect you!

-There's nothing to be afraid of. These are my new friends.

-Friends?

-What kind of school do you go to?

-Do you know these, these...things?

When you get to know them, they're not really scary at all.

-Who's not scary? I'm scary.

-I've got horns!

-He's the one who's not scary.

-If you all keep calm, I'll introduce you.

Oh, this can't be for real.

Things, come out and meet my family.

-What is that?!

-Oh, Gross!

And they said I wasn't scary.

It's me, Fiend. That's right, feast your eyes.

Ain't I a beauty?

- What are you? - I'm a monster.

-A real monster?

-Oh, yeah, totally.

100%. Bona fide.

Haggis, come out and say hello.

-No, no!

-He's very shy.

Show yourself!

Y'ello.

Look at the size of him!

I used to be afraid of spiders, but right now, I really miss them.

Norman, it's your turn.

Norman?

Dad just smooched someone called Norman!

Where do you come from?

From a place far, far away.

-Thank goodness for that.

-They live in our basement.

Wait till you see their place. It's so cool.

Did you come down here when we first viewed the house?

-I didn't know it was here!

-Neither did I.

-You're not very good at buying houses.

-I'm calling the police.

-And tell them we've got monsters in the basement?

-I'll call pest control.

-The mouse guy.

-Well, there must be someone I can call.

-I'll text you my number.

-Hey, that's my phone!

Eddie Carlson, you are in so much trouble.

Please, come in.

Where are our manners?

We don't have any!

Will you look at this place?

-Cool, huh?

-We didn't get an interior designer.

-It's all us!

-No kidding.

Where did you get all this stuff?

Norman likes to collect things.

-Are they my underpants?

-That's not a good look.

- Are those my pot plants? - They're not very talkative.

IS THAT MY CAR?!

Yeah. We think it's broken, It doesn't go anywhere.

What have they done to you, Speed Queen?

Are those my things?

Trust me, Looney Tunes, you may be scary, but you've got nothing on me.

And I'll take those.

But we haven't had pudding yet.

Right, I want everything back where you found it.

Not me, you fool.

OK, listen, it's been great meeting you.

You're upstairs, we're downstairs.

Don't be a stranger. Drop by any time.

Stay!

OK! I think that went well.

I'm feeling the love.

What kind of house are we living in?

We did get it surprisingly cheap.

-That's my chair!

-Ooh, that's my chair!

-That's my plate.

-That's my bowl!

-That's my spoon!

-Hey, hey, what are you doing?

-Choosing.

-No, you're not.

-Yes, we are.

-We choose everything.

-Not this time.

-- We chose you. - You did?

-Yeah.

Lots of families looked around.

We drove them away with big, scary noises.

THEY MAKE BIG SCARY NOISES

But we decided to keep you.

Wow! This family was the best you could do?

How come you chose us?

Because when you came around, you were always laughing!

THEY LAUGH

-They're not laughing now.

-I've just spoken to our estate agent.

I said we'd like to put the house back on the market,

-and he laughed at me.

-So we're stuck here.

-Looks that way.

-Sorry, Dad human thingy.

- I am not your dad! - Where's Eddie?

-He's been sent to his room.

-We thought he was the boss.

No, he's the mini boss. I'm the big, bad, grown-up version.

-Back to the basement!

-Shall we have a group hug?

-Yeah!

GO!

OK, Eddie, here's the deal.

The monsters have to go.

But in return, I am willing to buy you that puppy you've always wanted.

I don't want a puppy any more.

How about a tortoise?

Or a snake?

How about two snakes?

I don't want any of those things.

-I want the monsters!

-Eddie, you have to understand.

Your dad has this big new job,

I have my career plus the house, then there's you and Angela to look after.

We could spend more time together. I can be fun.

-Can you juggle with your eyeballs?

-I can do this.

-That's rubbish.

-Mm.

It's for the best. I'm really sorry.

You made me leave behind all my friends in Australia,

and now you want me to give up Fiend, Haggis and Norman.

Don't you want me to be happy?

OK, I guess this is it.

We're all packed and ready to leave.

In a moment, we'll step through that door and out of your lives forever.

I guess all that remains for us to say is...

-PLEASE LET US STAY!

-Please! Please! Please! Please!

-This is awkward.

-Please, Dad!

They've lived here practically forever.

It's as much their house as ours.

Tell that to my bank manager.

-We'll try to be good!

-Admittedly, that's an area we need to work on.

Don't make this any harder than it already is.

Norman, that's very big of you.

What is that, glue?

-That's very childish!

-THEY LAUGH

Right, then, we'll be off.

HE SIGHS

-A real feel-good moment(!)

-This family stinks.

-How could you do that?

-The world is too big for them!

They'll get lost. They can't survive on their own.

It does seem a bit cruel.

DOOR OPENS

That was some crazy trip!

What, all the way to the back door?

It feels like we've been away for weeks!

It's good to see you guys!

If I was going to say something nice, I'd probably say it now.

-Can they stay for just one more night?

-It IS getting dark...

Can they, Dad?

I'll almost certainly live to regret this,

but OK, they can stay here on trial for one day only.

CHEERING

And just like that, the Carlson family got bigger.

And the cool thing about living with monsters is

-they make me look like a saint!

-I'm putting you in charge of them.

We're home!

Open the door!

CRASH!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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# Don't be sad and lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can. #