Monster Smart Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tired

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

I've been called a lot of things in my life -

messy, clumsy...

You're disgusting.

..yeah, that too,

but smart, that's not a label I've had to worry about.

Since we moved in with the monsters,

school is the last thing on my mind.

Mind you, I'm smart enough to know when I'm in trouble.

I'm seeing a lot of pointy letters here. Not curvy Cs, not bendy Bs.

-Why don't you speak normally?

-You're embarrassing Angela.

I'm talking an A-valanche of A-cademic A-ccomplishments.

Now you're just embarrassing.

Why can't I be proud of my brainy little princess?

Oh, give it up, Dad. Anyway, those grades only went and got me

extra homework to stretch me.

Turns out being smart... isn't so smart.

I'm sure you'll A-ce it.

Can we change the subject? Maybe

there's someone else with a report due.

Hmm...

Oh! I have a question.

-Where does Angela get her brains from?

-Well...

-Guilty as charged.

-Ha!

You may be wonderful, my sweetness, but I am the one who came

top of his class in college.

Your degree was in surfing.

Surf science, yeah. It's completely different.

Well, I read English at a proper university.

Doesn't sound as clever as science. I mean, anyone can read English.

-Who can...

-Eddie,

any reason we should be worried about your school report?

Let's just say I'm quietly confident.

I'm completely dead.

Eddie, what's wrong?

His brain's overheating.

If we don't do something it'll boil like an egg

and explode out of his ears like a

big explodey eary thing.

Hey!

No need to thank us. We are here to serve.

This is serious!

My school report could arrive any minute.

School? Pah! I don't understand what you do at that place all day.

Nor do I! That's the problem.

Besides, you learn all of the important stuff from us.

Do they ever teach you this at that so-called school of yours?

THE MONSTERS BURP IN HARMONY

-You know who Mum and Dad will blame, don't you?

-Themselves?

No, you!

Cos I spend all my time playing down here

when I should be upstairs studying.

-There's only one thing left to do.

-Let's torch the place

and blame it on a meteor shower! Ha-ha!

WAILS

COUGHS

Er, no. We have to get to that report before my parents do.

-SIGHING

-OK, we'll try your idea first.

It's time for Operation Post Stop.

Oh.

OK, Norm...do it.

CRANKING

Urgh!

Wait! Wait, fur ball.

HE GAGS

CAT SQUEALS

I don't know where that came from.

I don't believe this! The report isn't here.

We're going to need an extra-clever plan for tomorrow.

Got to think.

STRAINING

Ow!

I don't get it. What's the big deal with being smart, anyway?

I don't know. It's like, if you're intelligent,

then people respect you more.

So, if we were smarter, then maybe Mum and Dad would like us more

and do really nice things.

-Like pat us on the head.

-Or feed us shoes!

Yeah, and finally let me take that ride in the washing machine!

Ha-ha-ha! Whee, whee! Whir, whir, splat, splat.

Norman, no-one in their right mind is going to let you

do that in their refrigerator.

NORMAN SIGHS

So...if we want to get some love, we've got to get some brains.

I just finished the extra-hard crossword all by myself.

I guess that makes me one of the top 2% of brains in the world

-who can do that kind of thing.

-Maybe in a world where

flubberifically is an actual word, you are.

OH! Fiend, you scared me. You're not making another stinky nest, are you?

No, I was just reading, thinking,

being smart in a generally smart kind of smarty pants way, you know.

These are some great books.

Those are cereal boxes.

And they are a gripping read.

I found this interesting book in the little smelly room.

HE GIGGLES

It's very clever.

What scares me the most, I'm actually getting used to this kind of thing.

Hey, whoa, Norman! I am not teaching you algebra!

Do you think I should try the old "Monster ate my homework" excuse?

All right, what is going on?

Come on, out with it.

OK, I'll level with you. We're idiots.

What?

No, no, of course not.

Well, a little bit, maybe.

So we were thinking you guys could teach us all that reading

and writing stuff. You know, make us smarter.

Ha-ha-ha, no.

SOBBING

Oh, Haggis, no. You wouldn't want Dad to teach you anyway, believe me.

Come on. Who taught you to count before you were one year old?

-Remember the numbers song?

-Your songs gave me nightmares.

I had to have counselling.

You can laugh all you want, Miss Smarty Pants

but I can teach maths to a complete numbskull.

-MONSTERS GASP

-We're numbskulls!

Bing!

Teach us, teach us!

All right, Mr Surf Science. The first to teach one of the monsters

something useful is the undisputed brainiest grown-up.

-Deal?

-Deal.

MONSTERS: Pick me! Pick me!

-Fiend.

-YAY! Ha-ha!

All right, I take Haggis. HAGGIS: Oh, yes!

Absolutely no way.

NORMAN WHINES

OK, listen up, men. That report has to arrive tomorrow

so let's make the next operation our best yet.

I'm sure if we all pull our weight we'll...

Fiend? Haggis?

Norm?

Hello!

Hello, Geometron, are you going to teach me about numbers?

Affirmative, Algebrian.

Numbers are fun, fun, fun.

One, two, three, four, five...

Now you join in. Oops.

HAGGIS SCREAMS

SOBBING

Haggis, Haggis, Haggis. Remember what I said about them not being real.

Bu I heard them talking.

Don't be scared, Haggis.

HAGGIS SCREAMS

OK, Fiend, let's see what you've got.

Now, name three countries for me.

Easy! Basementland, Sittingroomania and Antworld.

-Antworld?

-Yes, where all the ants live! Der.

Hmm, maybe something a little less ambitious.

Something easier for you to digest.

Ah, you mean like your sheepskin slippers?

-My what?

-Nothing!

Anyway, that was weeks ago and you didn't even notice. Nothing!

HE SIGHS

What's the point of being smart if you just get landed with more work?

It's totally my parents' fault.

All I wanted to do was sit around and watch TV

and relax and eat junk food, right, but no, they had to read to me

and teach me stuff and make me go to museums.

You're so lucky that your parents are drop-out brain-deads.

-CLICK, DIALLING TONE

-Georgie? Hello?

Must have lost her signal.

FAINT MURMURING

Hiy-yah! Arrrgh!

Oh, Georgie, hi.

Erm, what I was saying, yes, look, people are good at different things.

OK? I'm good at studying and fashion and sport and being cool

where you're good at... What's that plinky plonky thing you play?

Glockenspiel!

-DIALLING TONE

-Hello? Georgie?

Not a clever way to make new friends.

See, the puppets are gone, OK. Yeah?

I promise, yeah. We'll try something else. You ready?

I might be a bit rusty but, um...

# One is the number that we're starting with

# Two is the number that comes after one

# Three is the number after the next one

# Which remember was two not one and then there's

# Four is the number that comes after three

# Number are so e-e-easy

# Numbers are just so much fun

# Come on, Haggis, and sing along

# One is the number that we're... #

I'm so TIRED!

HAGGIS QUIVERS

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, nine, ten.

Wait, you... Wait, say that again.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, nine, ten.

What about eight, the number eight?

This is exactly why we had to stop at Eddie.

So...name the shape. Let's try again.

Triangle.

Triangle.

MAKES AEROPLANE NOISE

Nom, nom, nom... Gulp.

Good! Rectangle.

Mmm, rectangle.

MAKES AEROPLANE NOISE

Nom, nom, nom... Gulp. Ah!

Watch the fingers. This is a hard one.

-Oh.

-Sphere.

Ship it in! Arrrgh!

Nom, nom, nom... Gulp. Ah!

Yummy! Sphere, ha-ha!

TUMMY GROWLS

HE GASPS

Was that your stomach?

-Er...

-I thought a plane was in trouble.

Er, yeah. Is it just me or did that sphere taste kind of...tomatoey?

That's because it WAS a tomato. You've had about ten.

Ah...yes...it's just that,

er, I'm sort of allergic to tomatoes.

-Allergic how?

-Oh, nothing serious.

Er, a mild rash.

Oh, a little headache.

-Doesn't sound too bad.

-And some parts of my body might, kind of,

explode just a teensy bit.

TUMMY RUMBLES

Oh! You might want to take cover.

RUMBLING GETS LOUDER

Arrrgh...

BANG!

I'm going to call that shape a splatoid.

Ah, I see you've busted out the dungarees.

Don't tell me Algebrian and Geometron are back form the dead.

-That would explain the screaming.

-Mock me all you like.

At least my student doesn't slime me. That smell is flubberific.

Still not a word.

-Morning, son.

-Morning, Dad.

Oh, no!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, nine, ten.

Where have you been? Dad's got the report.

Everything's gone pear-shaped.

Pear-shaped, wait, I know this one.

Listen, if you ever want to hang out with me again

then we need a genius idea right now.

Er...

Or a dumb idea will do fine.

DAD SIGHS

At least the post arrived today.

Present!

MUM AND DAD: What?

OK, cos you know, now you're like our teachers

-and we have to give you presents.

-Yeah.

Ha-ha!

Just a little thank-you present from your favourite students.

Yes!

Hey, that's mine.

Wow! I haven't seen this many Fs in print

since I added Effy Fafflefoffy in my phone.

All right, Angela. What do I have to do to stop you

-showing that to Mum and Dad?

-Hmm.

Say, "Eddie is rubbish at everything and Angela is the greatest."

Eddie is rubbish at everything and Angela is the greatest.

But not very original at giving out orders.

All right then, promise to never do that thing

when you open you mouth while you're eating

just to bug me ever again.

Well, promise, Eddie, or else.

You ask the impossible.

Oh, so be it.

Mum, Dad, Eddie's got something to tell you about his school report.

There's a very good reason why you haven't seen it yet.

-There is?

-Well, Eddie?

Uh, um, yeah -

the really good reason you haven't seen it is because...

because...

-because...

-Because the school has been over-run

with hideous, giant, mutant hamsters.

And they've ripped up all the school reports to make a big,

evil hamster nest lair, from where they plot our doom!

What? That could happen.

HAGGIS LAUGHS

No, no, no. The real reason you haven't seen my report is

because they're not going to send it in the post at all.

You know, to save on paper.

So they're going to...telephone you?

When?

Tonight?

Oh. OK.

Makes sense.

Mine was better.

I can't wait to see how you get out of this one, Eddie.

How could I be so stupid?!

Oh, come on, Eddie, you're not stupid!

Remember the time you sailed around the world single-handed?

That was a kid on TV.

-I watched it with you.

-Oh. Oh, it looked like you.

-It was a girl.

-Eh?

Yeah, well, maybe you are a doofus.

Or am I?

Norman, are you up for a little mission behind enemy lines?

-HE SHOUTS

-Ding!

Ugh. I'm going to dream in quadratic equations tonight!

NORMAN GRUNTS AND MUMBLES

Is it National Annoy Angela Day today?

Oh...

I said no!

Five more years till university, Angela.

Just five more years...

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Carlson residence.

Ah! Yes, yes. Can you hold on for one second?

My wife's here, too, I'm going to put you on speaker.

(It's the school.)

Hello. Yes, this is Fiend talking.

No, no, sorry. This is Miss Fee calling.

Miss Fee? Are you new?

Yes. Yes. I'm on exchange.

From Antworld.

Miss Fee, is this about Eddie?

No, I don't know any Eddie.

It's only me here.

Oh, no - yes! Yes! This IS about Eddie.

Yes. I'm calling you to talk to you about his report.

From the school.

Where I am.

On the phone.

I like the phone. It is shiny.

That's...nice.

So, um, how is Eddie doing in school?

Um...

Eddie has beautiful thumbs.

Pardon?

No...eh...Eddie... Eddie is...

Eddie is good! Yes! He is very clever.

Yes, yes. Eddie is the best at everything.

Really? Are you sure?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. He's the best human

that we have ever learned in school.

In fact, I think you should reward him.

I don't know, maybe build him

a nice mud bath in the basement, for example?

Sorry. I have to go now.

I'm...

dying?

The thing is, Miss Fee,

we've not been happy with Eddie's schooling for some time.

We haven't told him yet, but we're sending him away to a remote island

-to a boarding school.

-St Agony's School for Wayward Boys.

We hear it's very good.

-What?!

-What?!

Uh, good idea!

OK... Bye bye!

Remind me to clean that before we put it back in Angela's room.

What did they mean, Eddie? Are you really going to leave us?

-Hmmm...

-They can't do that, can they?

I mean, if you're not here, who will play with us?

Who will make fun of human Dad thingy with us?

Who will bring us cheese crackers?

THEY GASP

Tell us, Eddie, how do we get out of this one?

That's all we can do this time, boys. Get. Out.

This is it, boys. Either we leave now or it's St Agony's for me

and home alone with Angela for you.

So, keep nice and quiet.

I thought we said, "Just the essentials."

What? We left behind Norman's favourite wall!

Are you sure about this, Eddie? I mean, we've only ever

been outside the once and that didn't turn out so well. Remember

the incident?

SCARY MUSIC AND HELICOPTER NOISES

-Snap out of it!

-Argh!

-Sorry. Flashback.

-Come on.

Keep it down.

-HAGGIS BREAKS WIND

-Oh! Sorry about that!

Shhh!

Evening, all! THEY SCREAM

-Special delivery!

-NORMAN MAKES A SAD NOISE

So there never was a St Agony's School for Wayward Boys?

No.

HE LAUGHS We got you!

-We GOT you!

-And you had my school report all along?

They emailed it to us days ago, so we thought we'd teach you

the kind of lesson you don't get in school.

Reeled in! Hook, line and sinker!

Loser! Loser!

You might be undermining the message about maturity

we're trying to impart here.

Oh, right. OK. Fire away.

I have no idea what the humans are talking about,

but if this gets any uglier, we're going through that window.

-Capisce?

-So, Eddie, turns out your report's not as bad as you feared.

Is that an A in creative writing?

"Eddie is to be commended for his vivid monster stories."

"Disturbingly vivid", if I recall! But we're very proud of you.

-Although you are still grounded.

-Interfering with the mail

is a criminal offence after all, son.

(We got you! Loser!)

All right, all right! Well done, nice scam!

What can I say? When you got it, you got it.

Oh, you're going to take all the credit, are you?

-Like it was all your idea?

-Still fighting over who's smartest, huh?

If only there was some way we could settle this.

OK, Fiend, let's show 'em what you got.

What shape is this?

Uh... Em...

Oh, I'm not sure.

But I could turn it into a splatoid if you like?

He's much better at geography.

Ah! Step aside, dancers. My star pupil, Haggis, will count to ten.

Do your thing, Hag.

Eh... Oh...

He gets a little nervous.

One, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven...

..eight.

Yes!

Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight!

Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight!

Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight!

Eight!

Call it a draw?

Oh, yeah.

There you are!

Did you take my phone? Because I...

-Oh, wow!

-NORMAN SQUEALS

Norman, you solved my homework.

And cracked time travel, by the looks of it.

NORMAL SQUEALS

Wait.

Wait, just hold on a second!

Norman, stop.

Norman! Norman!

Argh!

I guess when it comes down to it,

there's all different kinds of smart.

There's Angela smart.

There's Eddie smart.

But best of all, there's monster smart!

THEY LAUGH AND SHOUT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

# Don't be sad and lonely If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can. #