Monster in a Box Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my arms when my hands are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad and lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can #

It's a universal truth. Homework is lame.

So how come parents are so obsessed with the stuff?

On my list of 100 things to do, it comes in last place.

Boil my head is at number 87.

I rest my case!

-Hi Mum, I'm home.

-Hi Eddie.

Will you make a start on your homework?

I'm right on it. Getting out my English book.

Getting out my maths book.

Getting out my science book.

All of my books are out now. Reading.

I'm brainzilla.

It's going well, I see.

Can I just take a short break?

Take a break from what? You haven't done anything yet.

I know, but I just want to get it out the way

-so I can concentrate on my homework.

-Five minutes.

-Yes!

Eddie Carlson calling all monsters.

Hey, Eddie! What's in the bag?

That ton of misery.

Want us to take care of it?

No. I have a new motto.

Never ever, no matter how good an idea it seems,

let monsters do your homework.

Are you still upset about the last project?

No. I've wiped it from my memory.

I never got any of those bogies back.

Haggis, why are you standing in the corner?

I'm in my happy place.

HAGGIS CRIES

I'm OK.

HAGGIS CRIES

Ignore him, but consider my offer. I could be a genius.

-Can you spell genius?

-Erm... No.

Then it's not something you need to worry about.

-Can you spell genius?

-No. Only geniuses can spell genius.

I can't spell nothing.

-I'm practically useless in every way.

-Haggis, What's wrong?

I'm just an incy wincy, teeny-weeny bit sad.

HAGGIS CRIES

Have you tried to cheer him up?

Have you seen the size of him? It could take years!

Mum, Haggis is feeling really down.

When you finish your homework, you can go and make him happy again.

I have two days to hand it in. I think I'll do it tomorrow.

-Do it now.

-Later now?

-No, right now now. How much homework do you have?

About 15 minutes. It's gonna take all night.

Or it could take 15 minutes.

First he's got to get his homework out. That's 10 minutes right there.

Sharpen his pencils. Another 10.

Then he's got to open his book. That could take a whole hour!

He's got to factor in bathroom breaks, brain aches.

Let's get real, Mum. He's in it for the long haul.

-Make a start.

-Will you sign my homework book?

-Have you finished it all?

-Yep.

You've done two hours work in 20 minutes.

You know, sometimes, I nauseate myself!

-I think I'll just check on Haggis.

-Right. I'm gluing you to the chair!

-Not the glue.

-Bend over.

-I'll do my homework, I promise.

Right, sit down. Now you're stuck.

It's not fair.

Don't you dare move from that chair until your homework is finished.

-How's Haggis?

-He's getting worse.

-Where is he?

-We've had the standing in the corner phase.

Now he's decided to live in a box.

Haggis, are you in there?

I don't need my windows cleaned today thank you.

It's not the window cleaner, it's me, Eddie.

Haggis, what's going on?

You seem to be afraid of everything.

I'm not afraid of jelly.

Unless it wobbles.

NORMAN GURGLES

Norman says Haggis has lost his marbles.

What are we going to do?

I'm thinking of decorating. Would you get me some paint?

-Sure. What colour?

-Black.

-How is my beautiful wife?

-Older, wrinklier, droopier.

How's my successful husband?

Jaded, exhausted, burnt-out. The kids?

-Same as always.

-So no improvement.

-And we have three monsters.

-Living the dream!

Mum, I'm really worried about Haggis.

-You got off your chair.

-No, look, it's still there.

That glue's stronger than I thought.

Haggis is acting crazy. He's a nag of nerves.

Honey, we all have anxieties from time to time.

Waking up, going to work, coming home from work.

-It's a part of life. I mean, how bad can it be?

-Come and see.

Nick, would you like to deal with...

Nick?

Fine. I'll deal with it.

You need to get back to your homework.

Thanks Mum.

So what seems to be upsetting him?

No-one knows.

What's that noise? How did I get in here? Don't you look at me.

I can't breathe.

Who's out there? I can hear voices.

Are they laughing at me?

I think I'm being followed. No-one asked me to the dance.

Wow! And Dad thinks he has issues!

Tag! You're it! I don't want to be it! You're it so I...

HAGGIS CRIES

Haggis, you're feeling down. We all do from time to time.

It's perfectly normal.

Come on, give me a smile.

Fortunately, I brought these.

When Angela was little and she used to get a bit grumpy,

-I would do 'The Face'.

-Not 'The Face'.

Haggis, this is your last chance. Are you going to give me a smile?

OK. You leave me with no option.

MUSIC

This look suits you. I like!

Eat your greens on the plate. Gobble them up. It's not too late.

Before they all eat you.

Stop it! You're making fun of the vegetables.

Say sorry to the celery.

Sorry celery.

-And the cabbage.

-Sorry cabbage.

And the carrots.

Sorry carrots.

You say sorry to all the vegetables, except the broccoli.

That deserves all it gets.

Argh! Argh!

Yeah! Bash the broccoli!

Haggis is beyond my help. I think he needs a professional.

-Do you mean a doctor?

-Yeah, a head doctor.

-Maybe your Dad knows someone.

-If anyone does, he will.

Will you help Haggis?

I'll talk to your Dad if you finish your homework.

Bribery? Mmm, I can relate to that.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to hire a therapist to treat a monster? No way!

You should have seen him. Haggis is in melt down. He has big problems.

How come? He has no job, he has no mortgage to pay, he has no bills,

no responsibilities. I want his problems!

Eddie really loves Haggis. Do it for him.

So you want me to walk into a clinic with a seven foot monster

and register him as a patient? That's just beautiful!

Maybe the therapist can treat him on the phone.

We don't have to say he's a monster. We could say he's your nephew.

Why does he have to be my nephew? Why can't he be your nephew?

Being your nephew would be far more believable.

Mr Carlson, it is highly unusual to treat a patient over the telephone.

But I will try and help if I can. What's his name?

Haggis... Erm...

Mr Haggis.

Just plain Haggis.

-And you say he lives with you?

-Yes.

Haggis, there's a phone call for you.

NORMAN MAKES DOORBELL SOUND

Come back later. There's nobody home.

Someone important wants to talk to you.

Me?

Yellow?

Hello Haggis. My name is Dr Stanford.

I was hoping you could take a minute to discuss your anxieties.

I do have some expertise in the field.

In the field?

Tell me about yourself.

What do you want to know?

Say the first thing that comes into your mind.

I don't eat earthworms any more.

I used to love them. I mean, who doesn't? They're plump and juicy.

But I've noticed the way they've started looking at me.

They have menace in their eyes.

I'm talking quietly so the little mud bandits can't here me.

For stringy fellows, they move surprisingly quickly.

Ooh, it's good to talk.

Oh, and there are some ants

that have been acting aggressively towards me too.

Throwing their weight around, acting the big I am.

Now, I could take out the first couple, no problem.

But they have friends, and their friends have friends.

They're organised and they could rush me.

-Haggis, could you just hold for a moment?

-Hold what?

-Mr Carlson, you have a very troubled nephew.

-Ain't that a fact!

He's going to need a lot of treatment.

The cost of an initial 10 sessions is £1,500.

Forget it. I'm not spending that kind of dough on a monster.

He's a disturbed individual, yes, but he's not a monster.

You wanna bet?

Haggis, I'd like to hear about your domestic situation.

-I live in a box.

-You live in a small house?

It's not that small. It's very big.

-Tell me about your father.

-I don't have one.

Who takes care of you then?

The upstairs human thingy people.

Thank you Mr Haggis.

I really think I've heard enough.

I have to listen to that kind of drivel all day long.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm not the one with the problem.

Really?

He thought I needed treatment.

No. You are almost completely normal.

Don't try and butter me up. It won't work.

How's Haggis?

The doctor said that Haggis is sad

because he has no father figure in his life.

So your Dad has agreed to spend some quality time with him.

Oh, this I've got to see.

-I'm not doing it.

-Come on Dad, Haggis needs you.

-Well, I need me.

-He needs you more.

He's living in a box.

Yeah, Dad. If you get him out of the box, you could live in it.

I don't think I have the necessary parenting skills.

We know you're rubbish, but Haggis doesn't know that yet.

-It's true, honey.

-Will you try?

-Please don't make me do this.

-We're all very proud of you Daddy.

-You're the best.

-Well, the best we've got.

Go on. Talk to him.

Haggis, it's Mr Carlson.

Who?

Human dad thingy person.

I thought we could spend some time together.

-Are you talking to me?

-Yeah.

Erm, let's hang out. Just get to know each other better.

But I thought you didn't like me.

If I were a monster I'd like you.

Really?

-Sure.

-What kind of monster would you be?

I'd be a daddy monster.

So, quality time.

What do you want to do?

-Wrestle.

-You mean, wrestle some big ideas?

No, I mean wrestle.

You guys! This bout is strictly invitation only.

I was about to try out my flying face breaker!

Ooh!

Some other time.

Fiend, Norman, downstairs. Eddie, upstairs.

ALL: Not fair!

Come on, come on, come on.

BREATHES DEEPLY

What are you doing?

Getting pumped.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

And do your homework.

The temptation to start his homework must be huge and yet he still resists.

That takes willpower.

SHOUT

-SHOUT

-No, no!

Wah!

Help me!

He's fine, he's just having fun.

Help me..!

What are you doing?

Another treasured memory for the family album.

Argh!

No!

CRASH!

If we want to bag some Dad time, we have to get depressed.

Let's face it, if Haggis can do it, it can't be that difficult.

-Right...

-Boo!

OK, let's get miserable!

WHINES

Hello!

Hello?

Two depressed monsters down here.

WHINES

Are you feeling depressed yet?

WHIMPERS

How about now?

Ba-bao.

Ah! Let's swap corners. My one is broken.

Erm... Can I do a bit?

-Argh...

-Come on. Can I? Can I? Can I?

OK. We're doing this together, right?

Yeah, yeah. You and me.

All right. You can put on the very last piece.

Oh. Does it matter where it goes?

Yes. Yes, it matters.

Erm... You're going to put this flag...

..right there on that mast.

Yes. Yes, OK.

-OK. Ooh.

-There you go.

-OK.

-Just very carefully.

-Yes, yes.

-Just soft hands.

-Soft hands.

-Just drop it into place.

Easy. Easy.

Ah, ah, ah! Easy!

Just fairy fingers.

Is it finished now?

It's finished.

-Sh... Sh.. Ship!

-Ship.

Ready, steady...

Go!

BURP

Are you eating that?

-Yeah, I'm eating that.

-Only, you've got one and I don't.

Hey, give it back!

Do not eat that.

I'm warning you.

-BURP

-That's not cool.

You're funny Daddy Monster!

Thankfully I was prepared for this situation

and have an extra hamburger here.

Watch and weep!

Oh!

We think Haggis is Dad thingy's favourite.

You mustn't think that. He likes you all equally.

You're just saying that to make us feel better.

Oh, I get it,

you're feeling left out. You want some daddy time, too.

-Whatever you say, Doc.

-MONSTER NOISES

He's rather busy right now. You could have some mummy time.

-Didn't we draw the short straw.

-Mums can be fun, too!

-SIGHS

-OK. Mum time.

So, how does this thing work?

I say stuff like, "Brush your hair, do your homework, eat your greens."

-Then what?

-Then we shout at each other.

You get cross, I get cross. Then, one of us storms off.

-Then what?

-Ten minutes later we apologise.

-In my case it's twenty.

-Then we hug and make up!

-Must we do the other stuff first?

-That's obligatory.

Can't we go straight to the hug?

I guess we could.

EXCITED WHOOPING

LAUGHTER

-Now it's my turn!

-What do you mean, "Your turn?"

-It's my turn for a piggyback ride!

-No. The son gives the dad a ride.

-But I want a piggy.

-Sorry, son.

PIGGY, DADDY!

That's...that's close enough!

Come on.

Argh! No! Don't jump on me!

CRASHING AND BUMPING

WHIMPERING AND BANGING

I've got to get me some of that!

Ha-ha!

He's my dad. What about me?

Eddie.

Eddie!

BOTH ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

Ahem.

As it happens, me and Norman are in the market for a dad.

Sorry. The Daddy Store's closed for business.

SHOUTING AND GIGGLING

-Nick!

-Not right now. My hands are fu-ull!

-Nick!

-Br-r-r-a-hah-ha!

No! No tickling! No tickling!

Aren't we forgetting someone?

Whoa. Whoa.

-GIGGLING SLOWS AND STOPS

-Eddie!

-Wah!

-THUMP

Do you want to tumble?

Yes I do!

LAUGHING AND ROARING

And me!

KNOCKING

I like what you've done with the place!

Your friend Haggis is doing fine, by the way. Good as new!

-Wish I could say the same for me.

-Oh, I'm Eddie Carlson. Your son?

-You won't remember me.

-That's right!

The kid who never does his homework!

Don't let me keep you. You probably want to play with the monsters.

No. You're more fun.

-You got work to do?

-What if I do?

-Take a break?

-Depends.

-Want a pillow fight?

-You and me?

-First knock-out wins.

-A pillow can't knock someone out.

-You can try!

Come on! Come on! Give it to me!

-Nngh!

-Whoa!

Hey, daddy! Are you OK?

Aah!

Now, do your homework.

-DONE!

-You did it?

There was nothing else to do.

-Waah! Give me some!

-OK, first to five wins. Let's go!

'Parents try every trick to get you to do your homework.

'They encourage you, beg you, bribe you, glue you to your chair,

'and sometimes shed real tears.

'They hide it, but they hate homework as much as we do.

'Deep down, they're the same as us kids. They just want to have fun.'

You've got a daddy, and I've got a daddy.

-That's right.

-So now, there are two daddies!

The more the better.

I'm going to be really nice to my daddy.

-Me too.

-I won't eat him or anything.

LAUGHTER Me neither.

Oh. Nngh!

-Good night, Haggis.

-'Night, Eddie.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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