Surprise Party Millie Inbetween

Hiya! Welcome to my house.

Well, one of my houses.

And before you ask, no, we didn't win the lottery.

Now, my mum and dad split up. I know, boo-hoo, poor me.

So we - that's me and my sister - stay half here and half at Dad's.

It's parent ping pong!

Here's the problem with two houses.

I've left my toothbrush behind!

That's the third one this month. They'll start breeding soon.

Right, where's my gym kit?

Ha! Found it. Good.

Oh!

Oh, no! That's very bad.

They're not mine!

Rule number one of surviving your parents' split-up -

never let Dad do the packing! Ugh!

This is for my sister's birthday.

How generous am I?

Considering the only thing she's ever given me was chicken pox.

Hm, speak of the devil.

Why does my hair smell like bacon?!

I don't know. Is this a quiz?

Maybe these will joggle your memory...

Nope, sorry. No joggling.

Oh, no. You cooked bacon with my hair straighteners?!

Put it this way.

The grease gives your hair a lovely shine.

Ha-ha!

You're quite funny - for a dead person!

Don't do anything hasty. Or, even better, don't do anything at all!

When you least expect it - I will be there.

Your worst nightmare!

Did you ask Lauren what she wants for her birthday? Tights?

-She needs school tights?

-Mum, that's cheating!

-Why?

Cos you're going to have to buy it anyway.

No-one wants things they need for their birthday.

Well, find out what she wants, but don't let on who's asking.

Mum's the word.

Well, obviously not "Mum," that would be a bit of a giveaway.

In fact, why don't we have a code, so we can talk in front of her.

Lauren can be "lampshade".

I'll be "sailor", for Sharon.

And for Millie, "munchkin".

A code based on the first letters of our names.

A two-year-old would guess that, Mum.

It should be fine for Lauren.

And "bath time" for birthday.

-And "parrot" for party?

-No, that would be silly.

Go on, then! Go and ask!

Don't let on who's asking! Go on!

Mum wants to know what you want for your birthday.

What about a diary to write about all your non-existent boyfriends?

-What I really want?

-Yep. My money is on eyelash perm.

-I want Mum and Dad back together.

-Urgh!

You're joking, right?

No, I only joke about funny things - like your haircut.

-It's not going to happen.

-OK, clever clogs.

Why have neither one of them found anyone else yet, eh?

Because it was such a disaster they don't want to go there ever again?

No! Because they still have feelings for each other.

Yeah - not good ones.

Don't you remember what it was like before?

Cos I do. Like this...

Come on, clean the bathroom!

What if I put my back out and walk round like a chimp?!

Well, that would make sense.

-You're already the furry one that clogs up the drain!

-Oh, gross.

That is so chimp-ist! And I am not...

Oh, yeah, what is this?

SHE SCREAMS

But Lauren only remembers what she wants to remember.

Uh, sailor's just wondering

if munchkin's found out what lampshade wants for bath time.

Yeah, and trust me, you don't want to know.

Can anyone else smell bacon?

Dead sister walking.

If I can get Mum and Dad back together - for your birthday -

will that make it up to you?

-Yeah, OK!

-And can that be my present?

I thought you got me something.

I have, but it's really cool and I want it for me.

I'm letting you live. Don't push it.

Oh, and be sure to remind your dad about bath time.

Mum, Dad's washing is not your problem any more.

-I'm sure Dad wouldn't forget something like that.

-Hm...

Forget? Me? Of course not! What do you take me for?

I didn't forget. No...

I'm taking her on a surprise outing. It's all planned.

Oh, really? Where to?

Well, I would tell you,

but then I'd have to kill you cos it's top secret. Eyes only.

What's going on over there? Sounds like you're under attack.

Yeah, I've bought a mega sound system off Dave the chippy.

The subwoofer rocks - especially if you sit on it! Oh!

Look out! Incoming!

GUNFIRE

Dad, you play far too many video games.

And when you hear that from a 12-year-old, it's time to worry.

What's that, love?

He did forget!

He'd better not forget mine, or I'll put a nettle in his bed.

"Revenge. Getting your own back."

Honestly, he loves us to bits, but he's so scatty.

"Regress. To go back to childhood."

My parents split up nearly a year ago.

Lauren was gutted, but I'm completely fine.

"Repress. To bottle things up inside."

I don't do that.

The way I see it, I get two of everything.

Like - two rooms!

Two holidays!

And...

two birthdays!

Well, that's if Dad remembers. And he'd better!

I'd like to book a paintballing session for my daughter, please.

Yep, it's her 15th birthday. Oh!

You've got special rates for 15-year-olds? Great!

What? Special high rates? Aw, how much?

Eh, no, I'll call back later. Bye.

MUSIC BLARES

Lights!

No, I need the money.

MUSIC STOPS

So, you're off to Cash Changers.

Mum! Millie's been at my make-up again!

No, sorry. Ah, that was me!

You? What do you need make-up for?

That came out wrong. I mean, you're...

You're...

Hm?

Some help here?

-Mum, you're perfect as you are.

-Yeah, that's it.

I see.

Well, I'm off to the gym to get the perfect body

to go with my perfect face.

Failing that, a slightly smaller bum.

BOTH: Oh, Mum!

Called Dad by the way - he did forget.

What did I tell you? See? Typical!

-"Only ever thinks of himself."

-Very true.

Who put these on the door?! I'm not a child!

Ooh, making my cake. Thanks, Mum! Awesome! Can I decorate it?

-Mum said I could.

-You both can. But no licking.

Mum, can you iron this for me?

-Yes.

-Now?

Give it here.

BOTH: Mmm.

You're not coming anywhere near my party in that dippy dress,

-you know that?

-Aw, no, it's OK. I want a power cut.

Does that have anything to do with what I just said?

Well, the last three times the fuse box blew, Mum was ironing, see?

-You really are a freak, you know that?

-Thanks.

No, seriously. Seek help.

If the fuse box goes, I can call Dad round to fix it.

In three...two...one...

Oh.

-We could turn some other things on?

-Don't be ridiculo...

Actually, that's quite a good idea.

Go, go, go!

-Radio.

-Check.

-Juicer.

-Check.

-Toaster.

-Check.

Oh!

Why can't I ever do any ironing without the house exploding?!

Stage one complete. Now for stage two.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Hi, Dad. How's the mega stereo?

I sold it.

The surround sound was making me a feel a bit...

surrounded. How's the birthday?

Oh, fine. I mean, I'm sure Mum will muddle by somehow.

-Why, what's wrong?

-She made me swear not to tell you.

-OK, well, we'll respect that decision...

-But if you insist.

We're in the dark eating cold baked beans and shivering.

The fuse box blew.

Ah! Ha-ha. My old enemy.

Well, there's a knack to it, love.

-What you've got to do is...

-Can you come round and fix it?

Please? For Lauren?

I don't want to step on your mum's toes.

Oh, she won't mind. She has toes of steel.

Well, OK, then.

-Great! See you.

-Bye.

Sorted. I really am that good.

-Ah! Who's that?

-It's me! Don't panic. I'm fixing the fuse.

-You? No, no! You can't do that.

-Why can't I?

I mean, are you sure you know what you're doing?

-Maybe we should wait.

-For what? The cavalry?

Superman? Your dad?

Ah! Who's that?

-Me! Who else? I need to wash my hair.

-In the dark?

-Excuse me.

Teenagers. They're obsessive about hair washing.

No, we're obsessive about not smelling like a fry-up.

-Ow!

-No time.

We have to stop Mum - she's going to mend the fuse!

Mum, wait. What if the house floods?

I can't believe you two, you're so spineless.

-Are you women or sea-sponges?

-Mum, we're girls.

So? Can't you handle your problems the intelligent way?

-Yeah! Get someone else to do it.

-Rubbish!

Leave it to me, jelly babies.

Thank you!

Icing thieves, consider yourselves busted.

See? We can get by without your dad!

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, love. You're looking well.

Hi. Tony.

Thought you had power trouble?

-Oh, we did, but I sorted it.

-Hm.

-Dad!

-Dad!

-Dad!

Hi, lovelies! Happy birthday, Laurs!

-Thank you.

-Looking good!

Dark? Shivering? Baked beans?

It was horrible!

OK, well, I'd better give the old fuse box

the once-over as I'm here.

I've done it. Thank you. I've sorted it.

Yeah, can't be too careful though, not on Laur's birthday.

OK. Let's go see what your mum's done wrong.

Breathe, Mum. In and out.

-Having a good birthday, love?

-I am now.

And I know you were probably sitting at home feeling sad

and tragically alone, so it's all good.

Well, I'm taking you out for your birthday.

Huh? I had a great idea - what about paintballing?

-You're funny.

-What? I mean it.

Dad! Seriously? Paintballing?

Rolling round in the mud trying to shoot people with paint?

Not people - your friends!

Oh, wait. You didn't book it, did you?

No! No, no, no. No, just an idea.

I've got plenty of other ideas. Oh, cat makeovers. Ah, soap carving.

Fruit snooker.

Dad, I think it's fine now.

your mum's been at it. It'll probably go again.

This fuse box and I have got a long history, love.

There's a knack to it. Watch and learn.

Once on the side, twice underneath before it notices. Done!

Tony!

Good news! You're getting a new fuse box.

You should've changed it after the cooker died

right in the middle of Christmas lunch!

Now that was an unforgettable Christmas...

Can't you hurry up? The turkey's totally dried up.

-You know what it looks like?

-Your mum's face?

-Tony!

"Our Colin would never expose his family to electricals."

She got a shock off the loo seat.

Yeah, that was the static from her fluffy slippers.

They could power a small town.

I'm starving. Is lunch ready yet?

-BOTH:

-No!

-Fine!

We wound up eating turkey burgers from the petrol station.

They were lush.

Aw. It's so great that you guys can come together

and celebrate the fact that 15 years ago you both had an awesome daughter.

Come on!

Hey! Round 98 to me.

-See! Dad fixed it.

-Hooray!

And, Dad, you'll never guess what? Mum made your favourite cake.

Yeah, Lauren asked for it.

Not chocapocalypse.

No-one makes that like your mum. Hm?

Smells like...

Like bacon?

Have you changed the recipe?

And work? Work is good?

Yes, good, it's fine, at least I've got some.

Weirdly, they're not killing each other, which is good.

But Lauren's up to something, which isn't.

Here. I wrapped it for you.

I thought I was supposed to give you presents on your birthday?

-This is from you.

-Why would I give myself a present?

-Oh, no! It's from you to me.

-Why, what is it?

-You don't need to know.

-Well, it's my present!

Just come in a sec and give it to me, OK?

Aw, look at her.

-Our wee girl - a teenager.

-I know, isn't she grown-up?

Who would have thought she'd turn out like that?

-Remember when she was born?

-She looked like a little alien.

-Mum!

Gorgeous now, of course. As is this cake.

-Oh, Millie, you shouldn't have.

-I didn't. Ow!

Oh! A digital photo frame! Filled with pictures of our family.

Selected completely at random.

Oh! Oh, look... There's you two on the beach.

-Aw. Look at Millie's little bot-bot.

-Mum!

Oh, and our camping trip?

Oh, I'd forgotten that. We had a laugh, didn't we?

Yeah, like when you left Mum's wellies outside the tent

-and a cow did an enormous...

-Come on, Millie.

We'll be back in a minute. Have a good look.

-Hm.

-Where are we going?

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

I get it now. Photos of all the best bits. Very cunning.

All they need is a nudge in the right direction. My nudge.

But it's going to end in tears. Your tears.

Oh, Millie, Millie. Isn't it time that you stopped kidding yourself?

-Me? Kidding myself?

-Look.

Them splitting up was a mistake, and deep down you know it.

No. It had to happen. Either that or call in the UN.

They were always fighting...

LAUGHTER

Maybe that could just be how you remember it.

To help ease the pain?

No, that's what you do!

Oh, I'm so confused.

It's OK. I'll take it from here.

Aw, Lauren at the roller disco.

I didn't know she could do the splits.

-Neither did she.

-Ow!

That's up in the Highlands, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, I can almost smell pine trees.

Am I really the one who's kidding myself?

What about their last anniversary?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, no!

I'm sorry, love.

Boots off in the hall, isn't it?

I remember that all right.

Oh, we can show the wedding highlights next.

Oh, don't show the bit where Dad says, "I do,"

-and Granny starts weeping.

-Oh, yeah, tears of joy?

Not exactly.

-Are they snogging yet?

-No.

My tummy's going bananas.

Relax. That's called "hope".

Lauren, what are you doing?

Didn't do too badly, did we?

-Wait!

-No, we didn't.

They're great girls. They never put a foot wrong.

And they're best pals as well.

-It's all down to you, you know.

-Rubbish. They love their dad.

They're always on about you. How much fun you are.

-Bet that's annoying.

-Too right. Drives me mad.

Shaz, can I ask you something?

Promise me you'll think about it before you answer.

Yeah, all right then. What?

Will you take the girls Thursday? My five-a-side night's changed.

Oh, no way, Jose. We had a deal.

I can't let 'em down. It'd be four-a-side.

But my book group's on a Thursday.

-Oh, that bunch of nosey old gossips. Just cancel.

-You cancel.

You shouldn't be wearing shorts at your age anyway.

-What do you mean, my age?

-Who's for tea?

What on earth are you two doing back there?

You scared me something silly!

Cheers for the cake. Best be off.

No, no wait! I've not opened Mum's present yet.

Oh. OK, then.

Oh, Mum! A sound system! Wicked!

It was an absolute bargain. Yeah, I found it at Cash Changers.

Ah, that's funny, I took one of those in there...

That's my sound system!

Right, that's my present to you!

No, it's not. You sold it.

Yes, so I could pay for her to go paintballing.

-Lauren wants to go paintballing?

-No, I don't.

-See? She doesn't...

DOORBELL RINGS

-Yeah, well, I know that now.

-OK. Can everyone just relax.

I'll go and make tea, shall I?

I had a wobble for a minute there and forgot I'm always right.

It doesn't take long for Mum and Dad to go off on one though.

Good parents. Bad together.

Hiya. Hiya!

You must be Millie.

That's right. And you are?

Mike.

Mike.

Mike?

You don't sound too sure.

-I'm your mum's trainer. She must've mentioned me?

-No...

Right, um, well, is she in?

It was my favourite jacket, and you chucked it out!

Because it smelled of cheese!

Hello!

This is Mike, he thinks.

-Hiya!

-Mike, what are you doing here?

I was just passing. Ooh! Candles - nice.

We had loads of them at my nan's funeral. It really made it.

Tony, this is Mike. My trainer from the gym...

The gym that I go to.

This is, uh, Tony, my old husband. I don't mean old. I mean, my ex.

Great game, huh?

Don't say anything, I'm...

-You must be gutted!

-I'm recording it.

Uh, Tony was just heading off.

What's that?

-This?

-Yeah, that.

Just a little something for the birthday girl.

Uh-huh. And those?

These? These are flowers.

-Who for?

-Um...

"Just passing by," eh?

Oh, no. Where's Lauren?

Hey. Look, I think we can still turn this thing around.

No, we really can't. Lauren, listen to me.

You have to walk away now.

Don't be silly. Move it.

OK. I tried...

Who's he?

-Maybe it'd be best if you go.

-Yeah, great. Good idea.

Hang on, this is my house and I'll say when you leave.

That's OK. I'll show myself out.

Next time, you can get Mr Muscles to mend your fuse box!

You didn't fix it, you broke it!

-You do know she dyes her hair.

-Tony!

I dyed my hair once.

Well, my mates did when I was asleep.

Oh, wait, I get it.

Sorry about that.

Dad must've just thought the two of you were...

I mean, he's got totally the wrong idea.

It's just that you know Mum from the gym - it's not like you're together.

No?

Well, how come he came to our house, knew our names,

and even brought you a present?

OK. This isn't how I wanted you two to find out,

but...

Mike and I have been...

going out.

And I know you can accept that like the big, grown-up girls you are.

NO!

She'll be fine.

Maybe showing up like that wasn't such a good idea.

No, you think?

Sorry if I spoiled the party.

It's OK, but it's not me who you should be saying sorry to.

I reckon this is one bath time lampshade won't forget in a hurry.

What are you doing?

Practising my teenage death stare.

Go on, then. Let me see.

Oooh! Mind you don't burn holes in your duvet.

Well, that's what you might call a surprise party.

How could she? Poor old Dad.

-It's not his fault he's so useless.

-No, he's not. He'll be OK.

Suppose you want me to say that you were right.

So were you. About me. I was kidding myself.

The first ray of hope and I was like a giraffe on ice.

Yeah.

The two most tragic words in the English language.

"Parents and dancing."

No - "what if?"

Here. Happy birthday.

Thanks. It's actually well cool.

Don't get all soppy and hug me now.

I wasn't going to.

So, can I, um... Can I borrow it sometime?

It's too big for you. And no.

Amazing. I can still smell the bacon.

PHONE RINGS

Hi.

Hi, Dad. How are you?

Never better. You?

I don't know. I just feel kind of weird.

Yeah, well, me too.

-Sorry if I was a bit shirty.

-That's OK. It wasn't your fault.

Hey, how do you like your new sound system?

It's got disco lights, you know.

-Dad, I want you to have it.

-No, love! It's yours.

OK. But I want to keep it at your flat, then.

Well, if you're sure...

And can we still go paintballing?

Sure, you bet. What made you change your mind?

For some reason,

the idea of blasting people with paint seems strangely appealing.

I'm sorry about how you found out about Mike. He's sorry too.

So he said.

I wanted to break it to you gently. On your own.

When I was sure.

Pretty much epic fail on all counts.

-You do like him though, don't you?

-Yeah. I do.

I wondered why you were off to the gym so much,

and in Lauren's make-up!

I can't fool you for long, can I, Millie?

Still, I do feel really bad.

If there's any way I can make it up to you...

Well, we haven't had Hawaiian pizzas in a while.

-Good idea. Let's have them tomorrow.

-With shakes?

-With shakes.

-And choccy sprinkles?

-OK.

And there's this leopard-skin onesie I've had my eye on...

Yeah, don't push it.

Right, I'm off to have a wee chat with Lauren.

-Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

You're going to need it.

So - bombshell! Mum has a secret boyfriend! Who knew?

But I wouldn't like to be in Mike's trainers next time Lauren sees him -

not with her teenage death stare...

Heya! Hiya! Remember me?

It's a good thing teenagers can't really do that.

So, that's my family.

And I know what you're thinking - "How did I wind up with them?"

Just lucky, I guess!