Double Date Millie Inbetween

Shopping day. It's like lions circling their prey in Africa.

Except it's me, Lauren and the choccy biscuits.

No, Millie. Green beans go next to the tinned pasta.

"S" for spaghetti?

"H" for hoops.

This is what you get when your mum works in a supermarket.

Used to drive Dad up the wall.

Chopped tomatoes, chopped tomatoes, chopped tomatoes... Ah!

Come on, come on...

Dad's got no respect for the laws of gravity.

Oh, chocolate biscuits, yes!

Mum, they're all broken!

I get the damaged ones for free.

They taste just the same.

Lauren!

SHE ROARS

-Heya, hiya!

-Hm. Don't sneak up on me like that!

Sorry. I've got to dash.

I've got a training session with Mrs Mackenzie.

-Old Mrs Mackenzie?

-Yep.

73 next month and she can still do a 5K, no sweat.

-Ah!

-Amazing woman.

It's all about attitude - you've got to give up giving up.

How's your training coming on, Shaz?

Oh, erm, great.

I've never felt better.

-What are you averaging?

-Erm...12?

12K?!

Wow!

I'll tell you what - I'm doing a 10K charity run next week.

-We can do it together?

-Yay!

Like the Dalai Lama said, "You and I, we're like diamonds in the sky."

That was Rihanna.

See ya!

-What is a "K"?

-You haven't been running, have you?

A "K" is a kilometre.

10 kilometres?!

-What am I going to do?

-You need a personal trainer.

Oh, no, wait. You're already going out with one.

Mum's new boyfriend.

We wondered why she suddenly became so keen to go to the gym.

Then we found out and Dad found out.

We're a bit worried about how he's taking it.

Bye, lovelies!

Ooh, hang on.

Oh, Mum, quit it!

That's better.

Why do mums always do that?

-See ya.

-Bye!

-Love you!

Best cut Dad some slack. He's probably still upset about Mike.

I'M still a bit upset about Mike.

Well, let's not mention it, then.

This should be fun. Dinner with Mr Doom and Gloom.

Hey, girls!

Who wants a lemonade float with a daft little paper umbrella?

-Me!

-Oh, what are they for anyway?

Like it's going to rain in your drink?

Dug this out. Thought we could belt out some old classics!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

# I'm on my way

# From misery to happiness today

# A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha! #

-Well, someone's been hit with the happy stick.

-Yeah.

-We thought you'd be totally gutted.

-Gutted? Why would I be gutted?

Mum and Mike?

Mike?

FEEDBACK

Mike? Oh, Mike... Mike. Pfff! Him.

No.

Your mum wants to get tied down again so soon, good for her.

Personally, I'm happy being free and single.

So, lemonade floats for two lovely ladies coming right up!

Poor Dad. He's devastated.

Are you kidding? He just said he was totally happy.

And you believed him? He's in denial.

You're in denial. You're just a miserable twonk.

DAD WHISTLES

OK, Here we go.

HE CHUCKLES

One for you.

One for you.

One for me. Cheers!

And one for...

-Oh!

-Dad, who's that one for? There's nobody else here.

-HE SOBS

-I'm on the scrap heap!

I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

HE GASPS

HE SLURPS

You just need to get your confidence back, Dad.

Yeah, I mean, look, Mum's got a fitter new boyfriend.

It's natural to feel old and unwanted and out of shape.

What you need is an action plan.

I've got an action plan.

Sit in my dressing gown, eat ice cream out of a tub.

No. You need to get back on the scene, start dating again!

Oh, I don't know, Millie. I mean, look at me.

I'm in pretty amazing shape,

-but I think my look's a bit out of date...

-Excuse me.

This is my area of expertise.

I'll dress you to kill, do your hair.

You'll look, like, 20 years younger.

OK, ten...but remember when you were nominated for a Sparky

-at the electricians' awards?

-Yeah.

And he wanted to wear a boring old tuxedo. What was he thinking?

There!

If that doesn't say star electrician I don't know what does.

This jacket is smokin'.

FIZZING

He looked well cool... Well, until his fuses blew out.

Any woman would jump at the chance to date you, Dad.

You've just got to focus on your good points.

You're kind, good-looking, romantic and you're considerate.

-Considerate's the same as kind.

-So? That's still three things.

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I am a catch. Yeah.

And I will get right back out there,

just as soon as I complete Highway Holdup Two

and that tub of mint choc chip.

We need to give Dad a push.

Are you sure? He seems pretty close to the brink already.

We're going to put him on a dating website.

Without him knowing?

When we hand him a fat stack of dates, he'll be over the moon.

-How's he going to get a fat stack of dates?

-Millie, leave that to me.

What's going on?

Oh! I thought about what you said earlier...

Did I say, "Hey, why don't we start our own personal gym(?)"

..and I've got myself a second personal trainer.

And how can we afford it?

-Well, it's fine. Remember Lindsey?

-No.

NASAL VOICE: Bucket and mop to checkout four.

Oh, yeah. Her.

Her sister is a trainee fitness instructor.

She's going to do it for free!

DOORBELL RINGS Oh!

Hello. I'm Suzy.

Oh, hi. I'm Lauren's Mum.

Lauren, it's for you.

Er...no. I'm Lindsey's sister. The personal trainer?

You? But you're...

I mean...

Yes.

Sorry. Come in.

I see you've got everything ready.

Look, Suzy... Suse.

I've got to get in shape for a 10k run next week.

Yeah. I heard. That won't be easy.

Exactly. It'll need intensive hardcore training.

I should think so!

No offence, but my boyfriend is a personal trainer

so I do know what it's going to take. WHISTLE BLASTS

What are you waiting for, twinkle-toes?

-Hit that mat and give me 20 nose-touchdowns.

-What?

Save your breath to cool your high-fibre porridge.

-You do what I say.

-What are you saying?

Make like an ironing board! Go bobbing for biceps!

Give Mr Mat some smackers!

Sorry, you've lost me...

-WHISTLE BLASTS

-Press-ups! Nose-touches, knees down.

Go, go, go.

-One two, one two, one two...

-Mum, have you seen my laptop?

-Argh!

-I'll take that as a no.

Have you got Dad's photo?

Yep! Just uploading it now.

Wow. Where did you find a photo of Dad in a tie?

Great-Gran's funeral. Just as well you can't see his trainers.

-It looks all right, though, doesn't it?

-It'll have to do. OK. Age?

-Erm, about 40?

-33.

-That's lying!

You don't think anyone tells the truth on here, do you?

-This is the internet.

-Yeah, but...

You're so naive. I bet you still think that dinosaurs were real.

-They WERE.

-OK(!)

"What qualities are you looking for in a woman?"

Hm, someone adventurous

who can take us scuba diving for sunken treasures!

Someone who can do hairstyles. Lots of different hairstyles.

Who's super intelligent.

And gets discounts at all the designer shops!

You don't think we're making this too much about ourselves, do you?

Nah.

-WHISTLE BLASTS

-Switch!

-SHE GASPS AND PANTS

-Faster!

If it's not hurting, it's not working.

Four, three, two, one...switch!

SHE PUFFS

I need to...stop.

I am exhausted.

I'm sorry. You should have said.

We'll break for 15 minutes, OK?

Suzy, I know you are only a trainee

so can I give you a little bit of feedback?

Oh, I'd really value that, Sharon.

If you want to motivate someone,

you do need some carrots as well as sticks.

Carrots? I see...

A little pat on the back goes a long way.

A nice cup of Earl Grey? Maybe even a bickie?

Tell you what,

your boyfriend can give you a pat on the back in the race

when you drop out of it! Bickies are for losers.

Do you want to be a loser or a winner?

Neither. I just want to be able to finish!

Wrong answer!

You've just earned yourself another 20 dips on the iron yo-yo!

-What does that even mean?

-Whoa. Take it easy.

-Do you want some?

-No!

-Didn't think so.

What are you waiting for? Start kissing that mat you...mat-kisser!

Good insult.

SHE WHEEZES

What are you doing?

Patting you on the back.

SHE GROANS

Good news. We've put you on a dating website.

Though by the look of things,

maybe we should've put you on the I-Need-A-Cleaner.com.

Oh, Laurs. I've told you.

I'm not ready. I'm still cocooning.

But there's so many lovelies.

No. Delete me immediately. You're wasting your time.

Such a pity, because you've got over 50 responses in less than a day.

But I'll just put these in the shredder, shall I?

Whoa-whoa! Let's not be too hasty.

HE CHUCKLES

All these women, interested in me?

Yeah, I know, we couldn't believe it either.

I'm not surprised.

Women have always found me kind of irresistible.

-It's a blessing and a curse.

-Yeah, welcome back, Dad.

Yeah, I think I can do this.

After all, it's a shame to keep all this to myself.

I'd keep that dressing-gown to yourself.

Right, so, I've been looking through them all and found the best one.

-I've found the best one.

-No, I have.

-Ignore her. Mine's the bee's knees.

-How would you know? You've never been on a date.

-Neither have you.

-I have!

-Being in detention with someone does not count as a date.

-Ow!

-Oh, girls, girls...

Why don't I choose?

We've got you this far. Let's not blow it now.

-Meet Mary, your new girlfriend.

-Aw...

She has a great sense of humour and loves practical jokes.

Sense of humour, jokes? OK.

And she's an air stewardess.

When can I meet her?

SQUEAKING

Tony?

Red flower!

-Um...

-It's me, Mary.

-See? I've got the red flower too.

-Oh, hi!

You could have just said, "I'll be dressed like a clown."

Indeed! I've come straight from work.

So, which airline do you work for? Circus Air?

Oh, no. My daughter filled in my profile.

She thought "clown" might put people off. Silly, eh?

Yeah. Pleased to meet you anyway.

-BUZZING

-Agh!

Oh! Forgot. Joy buzzer!

Nice flower.

-Smell mine.

-Oh!

Sorry. I couldn't resist. Here.

Thank you.

SHE GIGGLES

No, although I will admit her balloon animals were stunning.

Don't sweat it, Dad.

You know, if you let a clown choose your dates

you're going to end up dating a clown.

My choice is much more your type.

You're the same age, same interests

and the website gives you a 99% compatibility rating!

99%? Game on!

And I'm really into my '90s house music.

No way? Me too.

-Sir Scratch-A-Lot.

-Frankie Fat Fingers!

We like the same music, the same films,

the same computer games.

-Next, you'll be telling me you like to go...

-BOTH:

-Paintballing?

-Only every Saturday!

-We should go this weekend!

-It's a date!

-Computers!

I admit I was sceptical, but they really got it right.

So...do you have any kids?

-No. You don't have to worry.

-What do you mean?

It's all right. I know. "Buy me this.

"Help me with my homework." "I feel sick."

Who wants that, eh? Kids?!

Nightmare!

You didn't put on my profile that I have kids?

-We thought it might put people off.

-Yes, people who hate children!

Yes, don't worry about it. Anyway, I've found someone even better.

-Right.

-AND she's got a child. Anyway, I'm saying "child",

but he's actually 17 and he plays for Rangers.

No. No, no, right, you and Millie have had your chance.

-From now on, I'm taking over.

-OK, Dad, but...

No, Lauren. OK? I've got to do this for myself.

-Yeah, I...I...

-No!

OK? On my own, Lauren.

OK.

What's my password?

Earl Grey tea and biscuits.

Oh, thanks, Millie. You're a life-saver.

SHE GROANS

I'll just let it cool down.

Mum, shouldn't you be honest and tell Mike

that you can't do the race?

And admit that I haven't been doing his training programme?

-And that I lied to him?

-Aren't you sort of lying now?

Isn't that the doorbell?

DOORBELL RINGS

It IS the doorbell.

SHE GROANS

Will you get that?

Mum, it's Mike. Have you got a date, or something?

-Not till Thursday.

-It IS Thursday.

Poo.

All under control, is it(?)

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

-Mike!

-Heya, hiya! Are you all right?

Yeah, thanks. Just exhausted.

Oh, I came to take you salsa dancing...

No! Uh, I've had a really hard day at work.

There was a meltdown in the freezer aisle.

I just want to crawl into my bed. Sorry...

OK. Well, I'll see you at the big run, then!

Dad?

He's not back yet. Maybe they hit it off!

Or he's lost his bus pass.

Millie, he picked her himself. This can only end in disaster.

-He chose Mum, didn't he?

-Exactly.

Help me. Oh. Why haven't you tidied up?

How can you people live like this?

What's the matter? How did it go?

Amazing! She's great. She loves kids.

-Wants to meet you.

-You mean she's here now?

She's outside making a call.

Thanks for the heads-up, Dad!

-I've not done my hair or anything.

-Argh!

DOOR SLAMS

Quick. This can't look like the home of a man who's let himself go.

Don't worry, Dad, she'll be dead impressed once she sees us.

HE GASPS

So, you're definitely over Mum, then?

Huh? Mum who? I'm moving on.

It's time to look to the future, baby.

Hi! Karen, come on in!

This is Millie.

Oh, how's it going, Millie? Oh! What is that?

How did I do? Am I on track?

3k? Pathetic! You don't even know where the track is!

Oops. Time's up.

Well done, Sharon. You did really well today.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not falling for that.

Got to keep going.

Winners train, losers complain!

Sorry. It's 3pm. I've got to go.

It's 3pm?

SHE GASPS

Quick! Help me tidy this up! Mike's coming.

Mike? From the gym?

Oh, so you're Mike's girlfriend!

He can't know I've got another personal trainer.

You didn't tell him, did you?

Not a word. He really likes you, you know?

Oh, really?

He calls you his dolce cucciolo.

-It means "sweet puppy", apparently.

-Oh, I expect you misheard.

DOORBELL RINGS

Quick! He's here! Hide!

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

I'm just coming!

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Heya! Hiya!

Oh, my dolce cucciolo!

Ooh! Have you just been for a run?

Oh, just a quick 6k.

I thought today was a rest day.

-Yeah. I find running restful.

-Yeah, but you don't want to overdo it.

Think about it. If your legs could speak, think what they might say.

Oh, no, I'll do that!

I'll have a quick shower.

I'll be five minutes! Don't go anywhere!

So, you work in a supermarket?

Jollyshopper. I'm doing an evening shift.

Oh, hey! Wasn't expecting to see you here.

-Lauren, this is Karen.

-What?

Ow! Ow, a splinter!

Are you all right?

Mmm! I hate them!

Oh, don't worry. We'll soon have that out.

Now, I'm sure I have a pair of tweezers in here.

-There we are!

-Great!

I'll just go put some tea on.

You, ah, girls can get to know each other.

-Do you have any Earl Grey?

-I'll take a look.

Now, hold still.

Nearly there...

-Ah, got it!

-Ah!

Now...

There you go.

How do you feel?

A little bit freaked out, actually.

Millie. Um...

Do you know how to work the teapot?

Honestly, Tony. It'll be easier if I do it.

She's exactly like Mum!

It's like they were separated at birth!

How can Dad not see that?

-Maybe he doesn't want to.

-It's so weird.

Not as weird as Christmas could be.

Thanks for the socks.

BOTH TOGETHER: Glad you liked them.

- Could you pass the salt? - Could you pass the pepper?

- I said the salt! - I said the pepper!

We need to make Dad see it before Mum becomes our step-mum.

Right, OK. I've got a plan.

-But I'm going to need to use your mobile.

-No way.

Just don't change any settings.

All I need you to do is get Karen out of the room.

Easy.

I'll just treat her like...Mum.

Wait!

Oh, it's OK. Sorry.

I've seen this sort of thing before.

You have?

You are addicted to exercise!

It happens with certain high-achieving personality types.

You're right! I am out of control.

What you need is a complete break.

Well, it would be a struggle.

But I could give it a go.

Let me cover this up for you.

Ah! Suze! What are you doing...

Two personal trainers!

It's worse than I thought.

Chocolate biscuits! Now, they are a bit damaged, but...

They'll still taste the same?

Exactly.

Aw, you two look so nice together.

How about I take a photo of you both?

OK. Smile!

-Aw.

-Dad! Dad! There's a spider in the bathroom!

-How big?

-Huge! And hairy.

Well, leave me out of it.

But I need the loo.

I'll get it. I'm not scared of spiders.

Didn't think you would be.

I can do it now if you want? Oh, they've gone. Good.

-Aw, you look so nice.

-Oh!

Ah, it's you and Mum from before.

-Oh, yeah.

-You and Karen.

Mm-hmm.

-You and Sharon.

-Eh!

Karen...

And then Sharon.

Oh! Ah!

Notice anything?

My hair's thinning! How's that possible after just a year?

What do you think of Karen, though? She's great, huh?

Dad, you know, I've been thinking. Maybe you were right.

Maybe you need more time before you start dating again.

No. You were right. Hmm?

I think she's going to be a really positive influence.

You know, she might even be...

the one.

I can't believe you hired Suzy!

She's, like, an extreme trainer. She's made grown men cry.

-Babies.

-I thought she was still a trainee?

That is why she is still a trainee.

Oh, Mike. I didn't follow our training programme.

I was really busy! And a bit lazy.

It's OK. I only made it up so I could spend more time with you!

Aw. How romantic!

I don't even care if you can't run round the block.

That's lucky.

I just like you for you.

I'm welling up here.

Look, Shaz, I feel I should go.

But I've never given up on a client yet.

It's all right, Suze.

You're fired.

Thank you.

Dad, look, we've tried to be subtle

but we've got something to tell you.

The fact is that Karen is sort of...

Karen's kind of...

Karen's what?

She looks like Mum, OK?

You serious? Maybe there's a slight resemblance...

She's a clone! She looks the same. Acts the same.

The bag, the biscuits, the licky thing with the hanky

and she even works in a supermarket!

Yeah, a lot of people work in supermarkets.

I think I know what's going on here.

You two have a problem with me seeing someone new.

You're not seeing somebody new, Dad.

You're just dating Mum all over again.

You're wrong, OK? Karen is not Sharon.

Holy moly! I'm dating my wife!

-Finally!

-What am I going to do? What am I going to tell her?

You've got to help me!

Relax. We got you into this.

We should've just left you to wallow in ice cream,

but we pushed you too far.

-Right, so...

-So it's probably best if we stay out of this now.

-What?!

-We'll just leave you to deal with this by yourself.

We'll be in our room. Good luck.

Thanks a lot!

-TOGETHER:

-I need to say something...

-I was just wondering if I...

-Sorry. You go first.

-After you.

Well, I've had a really good day...

-So did I.

-And you've been great with the girls...

almost like their mother.

But you know how we talked about meeting for a second...

I can't do it!

Sorry?

I can't go on a second date with you, Tony. I'm sorry.

Oh. Dear. Er... Why not?

I do like you. But the truth is...

-you remind me too much of my ex-husband.

-What?!

I saw the resemblance when we were having coffee

and I thought I could get past it

but now I've seen your flat, and all the gadgets,

and the spider phobia,

-and I just don't think I can.

-I understand.

I think I would find it very hard to get past something that...weird.

I hope you find someone you like.

No hard feelings?

Course not, Sharon.

I mean, Karen! Oh, dear.

DOOR CLOSES

There we go.

Ah... I still can't believe I finished!

Well done. Hey, how's the ankle?

Really sore. Thanks for that piggy-back the last three miles.

I'm going to get a drink.

Oh, no, let me do it.

Ow. Ow...

You little faker! Come here!

HE STRAINS

What are you doing?

Oh, you're bang on about one thing.

I need to start getting in shape.

So your mum recommended this personal trainer she knows.

-Wait! What? No, Dad, no...

-Best thing about her is,

she's totally free! Cos she's just a trainee!

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Don't just stand there!

-Oh!

Start pumping iron, blubber-pants!

OK. I admit it.

I was wrong to push Dad into dating.

He didn't have a problem with Mike. We did.

It's not a race.

And what might be right for Mum might not be right for Dad.