The Babysitter Millie Inbetween

Mum's gone out with her boyfriend, Mike,

so we're making a secret feast. I'm making pudding and so is Lauren.

It's all pudding. That's why it's a secret.

I haven't made any tea. Will you be all right?

-BOTH:

-Yeah, we'll be fine.

Holly better get here on time.

Holly the babysitter. We love her.

She literally never looks up from her phone.

So, how have they been?

Yeah, fine.

Now, that's what I call a babysitter.

Well... Plump!

Oh, and Mike's bringing Craig over later.

Craig? He's the guy's son, right?

Just a little hello and go,

so you can get to know each other.

Like cats, except without the sniffing. Obviously.

Jokes!

Don't say 'jokes'.

I would really like it

if you two could make an effort to be nice to him.

You've met him, yeah? What's he like?

Fun.

I had an awesome idea. We can have...a pamper party!

Sounds fun. I love being pampered.

No, you're pampering me.

Well, that sounds less fun.

OK, I'll paint your toes,

so you don't look like such a little geek.

Aw. It's nice having a big sister sometimes.

Hey, get off!

-It's not sweet enough. Fail.

-I put loads of that sugar in.

-That's Mike's protein shake!

-Oh, no. He left it in the cupboards.

And he left his cycling shorts in the bathroom.

No kidding, they stood up by themselves.

And I found his half-eaten energy bar in the hall.

I could hardly bring myself to finish it.

His stuff is all over. It's like he already lives here.

Yeah, like that'll every happen.

Mum's already spent the last six months de-Dadding the place.

OK. Foot spa, face pack, eye soak...

and we can watch The Boy Over The Road!

OK, I'm not really comfortable with that.

It's a romcom. Are you medieval like Mum? Do you live in a cave?

How can you not have heard of this?

-Mum, what are you wearing?

-What? I look fine.

-For parents' night, maybe.

-This is a date.

You're out with a trendy young guy.

People will think you're his boss or something.

He's vibing hip and your vibing job interview.

Stop it! No, they won't.

Will they?

-We'll give you a quick make-over.

-You'll look hot.

-BOTH:

-Trust us!

-There. Now we're talking.

-No-one will guess how old you are.

Thanks.

I'm going to a Japanese restaurant, not a Union J gig.

Oh, couldn't you get tickets(?)

-Ignore her. You look fab.

-I look deluded.

I have to get changed before Mike gets here.

DOORBELL RINGS

Heya. Hiya.

Wow. You look...great.

I thought, "Why not go crazy?"

Girls, this is my son, Craig.

Yo.

What's up?

-BOTH:

-Hiya.

He's a bit shy, but he's great once you get to know him.

-So, Craig. You like music?

-Yeah.

-Do you play anything?

-I do a bit of beatboxing.

Oh. Next time you come, bring your beatbox.

Will you say something?

ALARM BEEPS

Oh, no.

What is it?

Holly's cancelled. She's sick.

Oh, I'll never get anyone now. Oh, my night out.

Our night in.

Hang on. Craig can babysit.

He's old enough technically.

Really? Oh, what do you think, girls?

I guess so. I mean, you should go. You never get out much.

Yeah. We'll be fine.

How about it, Chief? I'll pay ya.

I could always get Mrs Hope from next door to look in on you.

Thanks very much. TV's through there. Just make yourself at home.

If they give you any trouble,

one word to me and I cancel their sleepovers.

-BOTH:

-Mum!

I would've said the same thing to Holly.

Right, let's get out of here.

-Any problems, just give me a call.

-We will.

I meant Craig.

So, what was meant to be a quick sniff and go

has now become babysitting. Great(!)

I think he'll be even less trouble than Holly.

-He hardly says a word.

-Yeah, you see, he's a wannabe.

He wants you to think he's street,

but he probably still sucks his thumb.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. How are you?

Lauren, I've got a date!

Dad, we've been through this before.

Going to the opticians is not a date.

Oh, but she looked deeply into my eyes.

That is her job.

Well, this is different. I met her on the internet.

You didn't go back to that dating website, did you?

Not after last time.

No, this was a plumbing forum.

A plumbing forum where people talk about sinks and drains?

What were you even doing in...

No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Well, we're going for dinner tonight.

But what about Mum, though?

It just... I know you guys aren't getting back together,

-but stranger things have happened.

-Yeah, not that strange.

Come on. I need a pep talk. What do I say to this lady?

I want to impress her, show her how together I am.

OK. Well, what time have you booked the restaurant for?

Restaurant? Booked?

He's a bit in the way, isn't he?

We could just cover him with a blanket.

Snackage for the babysitter. Sweet.

Uh, no. That's...

I can tell we're going to get on just fine.

Chuck this in first, will ya?

Sorry, but we're watching The Boy Over The Road,

not Mega Truck Rally: Volume 5.

And the snacks are for us. We're having a pamper party. Girls only.

But you can go and hang out in the kitchen.

Except during out pizza break.

Yo, ladies. Let's get a few things straight, yeah.

I'm the babysitter.

You're the babies. I'm in charge. Therefore, what I say goes.

And I'm watching this, so...

pamper yourselves somewhere else.

Any questions? Nah. Good.

-Well, that was a lot of words.

-And a bit rude.

Who do you think you are? Jay-Z?

This is our house.

-And we can do what we want in it. Do

-you

-have any questions?

Do one. I'm busy. You can leave that there.

Take that.

I've never met such a mean, big-headed, annoying, rude boy.

That's just because you've not been in secondary school long enough yet.

You just need to speak to them in their language.

I'm sorry, but I don't speak grunt.

I can't spend the rest of the night looking at the back of your head.

I've seem it all before.

You need to suffer for beauty. OW!

Well, if I'm suffering, then you're suffering, too.

Are we going to let him get away with this?

Millie, he's much bigger than us.

But we're smarter than him.

-OK, well, I'm smarter than him.

-Oi!

If we let him push us around like this,

then we'll be his slaves forever.

Cushion! Drink! Straw! Paper umbrella!

Foot rest.

And that must never happen.

OK. I'll reason with him.

Now, you sneak in, grab the telly control,

and then we can call the shots.

I can't rush my eye soak.

Warning: Oversoaking may cause your eyeballs

to drop out and roll under the cooker.

-What?!

-Lauren!

Arigato.

Oh, you speak Japanese.

I learned a couple of words when I knew that we were coming here.

Sushi. Origami.

Oh, I don't think you're supposed to eat those.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

-HE SNORTS

WAITER SPEAK IN JAPANESE

MIKE REPLIES IN JAPANESE

Yeah, I said we just needed a minute.

-Wow.

-I picked it up when I was learning my martial arts.

Hi-yah!

It's good here, innit?

It's not too trendy. A bit like...us.

Tony!

What are you doing here?

Shaz! Erm...

Just meeting someone.

You're not following me, are you?

Heh? Course I'm not following you. I just told you I'm meeting someone.

Well, you're a bit overdressed, aren't you?

Well, at least I don't look like I'm trying to blend in

at a school disco.

Mate, you're not supposed to eat those.

They're just for show.

HE CRUNCHES

I don't know how Mum was even thinking

our evening was going to go,

but I'm pretty sure it didn't involve a double date

with her ex-husband.

It's not our fault our parents picked each other. Is it?

True. They are a bizarro couple.

Ah, totally. Are they?

What are we?

I tried telling my dad that he could do better, but he didn't listen.

Mum never pays any attention to...

Wait, better?

-Yeah, my dad's pretty cool.

-And our mum's not?

He's like a vintage sports car. Your mum's more like an estate.

At least she doesn't just lift weights and look in the mirror.

Your mum couldn't even organise a babysitter.

That was just bad luck.

Everyone has bad luck. Like your dad when he had you.

Half human, half orc.

Bedtime.

At 8.30?

-Yeah. Don't forget to brush your teeth.

-No way.

OK, fine. I'll tell your mum that you scratched my DVD.

My word against yours.

-What?

-But we didn't.

Yeah, but I'm bored of it now anyway.

And one more word from me and your sleepovers are history.

If we stand under the plum tree and wait for apples to fall,

then we will stand for a long time.

What?

Sorry, I might not have remembered that right.

What I mean is no hard feelings, mate.

You're right, it's no-one's fault.

Mike, leave the stalker alone.

-I told you, I've got a date.

-Who with? Your imaginary friend?

Hello?

-Oh.

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

You must be Tony.

-I'm so sorry I'm late.

-That's OK.

Oh, and I'm not, like, a leather nut or anything. I came on my bike.

Oh, and I brought it with me, so...

Oh!

SHE SIGHS

Was that a bit weird?

Not at all.

-You look lovely.

-Thank you.

Great to finally meet you.

Unless I'm imagining it.

What are you doing down here?

It took ages for my twerpy little sister to get to sleep.

She couldn't find her ted. So, what are we doing?

We're not doing anything.

Look...

I know little kids are a pain.

I'll help you babysit. As long as we split the money. Obvs.

In your dreams.

Hey, do you like the Temper Hearts?

What, a bunch of floppy-haired posers?

You seem a bit tense.

I bet you could use a foot spa.

Are you still here?

Hey, why don't we play keepy-uppy?

I'm really amazing at it.

That one was to you.

And stay up there!

OK. What's your plan?

CRAIG SNORES

He's going to go wild.

If this goes wrong, we'll be so dead.

You've hid all the drinks...

..and I've turned the water off. Check.

Pizza's ready. Smells yum.

We'll rely on split-second timing.

LAUREN SHRIEKS

-We're so dead.

-Don't say that.

-Sorry. All right. Let's do it.

I hope you like Chinese food.

Isn't it Japanese?

Sorry. I have this bad habit of always correcting guys.

It's probably why I'm single.

I can't think of any other reasons.

We're two whooping cranes, yeah, but in different nests.

For now.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Excuse me!

This isn't going to work.

Amber...

this is my ex-wife, Sharon.

Your what?

Hi. One of us needs to go somewhere else.

Well, if you want to leave I won't stop you.

Heya! Hiya! And this is my ex-wife's new boyfriend.

We were here first.

Well, we're not going anywhere.

Hey, hey, hey. We are all adults here, yeah? It'll be fine.

There's your problem. The valve's stuck.

As I was saying, we...

are like two cranes.

You mean the big yellow things on building sites?

No. Birds. Separate nests.

Oh, nests. Right, right.

It's OK, it's OK. Craig is really experienced.

She's always like this when you're out.

-Fidgets. Can't relax.

-Yes, I can!

I am totally relaxed! Look! I'm taking off my jacket!

I'm having a relaxing chat with Mike.

Where were we, Mike?

You know, I was just saying that we're like two...

I'll just text the girls. Check they're OK.

Oh, Craig!

You look so amazing.

All you needed was a make-over.

MILLIE AND LAUREN GIGGLE

CRAIG SCREAMS

Right.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

-You wouldn't.

-Try me.

-No, no, no, no, no.

So nice to meet a boy who's serious about skin care.

Oh, and I'm loving your nails.

OK. Good one.

Now, here's the deal. You give me back my headphones...

and the pizza, and I let you live.

I don't think so, Princess Fiona.

Now, turn around and start walking.

No, wait!

He can watch us eat.

Good idea.

So yum. I want that bit.

No, I've touched that bit already.

-Here, hold the string.

-No, you hold the string.

Noooooo!

It was all her idea.

Nah.

You can watch me eat...

while I think of what to do with you.

Let us go...

cos you're big enough to see the funny side?

That's really hot!

What have you done do it?!

Where's the water?! Seriously! That is really hot!

I seriously need some water!

Why is there no water in the fridge?!

There's some lemonade in the laundry room. It's just through there.

How much chilli did you put in that pizza?

All of it!

I like living alone. My life feels very centred at the moment.

Centred around the telly.

SHARON GASPS

Don't react. You're better than that.

OK, OK. Well, now you're even.

Let it go.

Oh!

That was meant for him. I'm sorry.

I made that mistake. They're not for eating.

No? OK, then.

Oh.

Just leave it!

No, no, I wasn't going to...

I would never touch you... I like you,

It's just that I'm totally non-violent.

Except in self-defence.

Are you all right, mate? I'm sorry,

It's just... My martial arts training.

That's it! I want everybody out now!

And don't every come back here again!

Come on, let's go and get fish and chips.

Oh, you're my kind of lady.

So... you'd think grown-ups would act a bit more...

Well, the clue is in the name.

You can dress them up, but you can't take them out.

Sayonara.

Oi! Let me out!

As if. That's what you get for dissing our mum.

And the Temper Hearts.

You'll lose all of your sleepovers.

So what? We've got pics of you and we're not afraid to post them.

We had a pamper party and you got pamped.

Now, it's your bedtime. Nighty night.

Oi! OK, listen. I wasn't going to tell you this, but, erm...

You know what my dad's going to be asking your mum tonight?

How come she has such cool kids?

No, he's going to ask if they can move in together.

Don't be daft. Mum would never move us in with Mike. No way.

No, you don't understand. They're talking about...

us moving in here. With you.

-Us?

-Yeah. I mean, I could be living here one day.

So, you know, if I were you I'd get on my good side now.

Just open the door and we'll call it even, yeah?

No-one finds out about this, all right? Ever.

You've been pamped. Brilliant(!)

Moving in?

But if Mike moves in, then that means there's no chance...

A chance that what?

A chance that Dad would come back?

No.

Yeah.

Lauren, it's so not going to happen.

I know. Do you think I'm stupid?

It doesn't stop me from wishing for it.

-It's not like I want to.

-I know.

It's just so hard when they practically live in the same road.

I know.

So... Craig.

If Mum mentions anything about moving in, we put our foot down.

You think?

But what if Mike is Mum's Boy Over The Road?

That true.

And maybe she just met him a bit late.

So romantic.

And we could be really big about it and not stand in her way

and she'd love us for ever.

Maybe. What do you think?

Thanks for walking me home, Amber.

-It's a bit of a mess, I'm afraid. Pizza box!

-Oh!

It's a typical man cave. I don't mind.

I am starving and I love fish and chips.

-Vinegar.

-Bring it on.

-Red or brown?

-Both.

-Both!

SQUELCHING

So, favourite fish and chip shop names?

Er... The Codfather.

The Frying Scotsman.

I love rock and sole.

Chip ahoy!

You know your chippies, I'll give you that.

I have been on some weird first dates, but I can honestly say

I've never got into a food fight with someone's ex-wife before.

Yeah. Sorry about that. I don't know what got into her.

Following me to the restaurant and everything.

It was quite exciting. I could have carried on, to be honest.

I know what you mean.

-Oh!

-So sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry we're late. How were they?

-Yeah, they were fine.

-Thank you SO much.

I'll just put the kettle on.

Cheers, pal. I knew I could count on you.

No way. This is danger money.

Mum, it's our best dress. What did you do to it?

Ah, it's a long story.

We had a lovely walk home and Mike had something he wanted to ask me.

Yeah, I was saying to your mum that we're like two cranes,

but in different nests.

I don't think the whole crane thing is working.

What he means is...

Is how would we feel about him moving in here with us.

I mean, half his stuff is here already. It really makes sense.

Yeah. And you two can spend more time holding hands

and making googly eyes.

Yeah, that's right. Basically.

Do you guys want to go away and talk about it?

We already did.

Right. Great.

-And?

-And I guess it depends

on whether or not we got on with Craig here or not.

Does it? And did you?

Yeah. Sort of. Whatever.

He's OK. For a boy.

I knew you'd get on.

So, you don't mind?

Mum, it's fine.

And you're going to do it anyway.

We just need to try it out.

See how it goes.

Yeah? Oh.

Seriously, I want that dry cleaned.

Oh, you girls are legends.

I'm actually...

I'm actually starving.

I thought you'd already had dinner?

No, Dad! No, no, no Dad!

Well, that was a nice evening. Most of it.

Anyway... Maybe we should...

Let's face it. It was a disaster.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're probably right. Best draw a line under the whole thing.

Erm... It was nice meeting you.

I think we should try again.

Great.

-That's what I was thinking, too.

-Yeah?

Good thinking.

-So, you'll call me?

-You betcha.

-OK. Bye.

-Bye.

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. How did your date go?

Really ace. We've got so much in common.

She's gorgeous, clever, great sense of humour

and she likes fish and chips.

Fish and chips?

-I thought you were going to a posh restaurant?

-It was her idea.

Lauren, I think she's amazing.

It's too soon. That's the salt and vinegar talking.

So you didn't put her off? You'll see her again?

Definitely. For one thing...

she won't get far without her bypass valve.

-Night, Dad.

-Night.

So, it looks like Mike and the muppet might be moving in.

That's the trouble with single parents.

You can't count on them staying single.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

I just wanted to say sorry.

Sorry? What for?

Underestimating you.

I won't make that mistake again.

Booby trap pizza was a nice touch.

Thanks. Your skin looks smooth.

Thanks. I might use your face pack more often.

Yeah. You only get one face. Sadly for you.

-This ain't over.

-Bring it on.

-See ya.

-Wouldn't want to be ya!

Can you believe it?

He still thinks he can come in here and be the boss of me and Lauren.

Poor guy. I almost feel sorry for him.