Bigging-Up Dad Millie Inbetween

Hello?

Where's Dad?

Dad's taking us swimming. He loves swimming.

Finally! Can we go now?

He's half dad, half seal.

It looks weird in here.

Do you think Dad's been burgled?

No, well, unless they broke in and tidied up.

Well, there are snacks in bowls. Are we in the right house?

What are you two doing here?

That's nice! We're going swimming, remember?

No, that's tomorrow.

Today.

-Oh, I can't.

-What's going on? And why are you all smart-looking?

You're not meant to be here.

DOOR BUZZER

Hi! Amber! Come on up!

Amber? Amber... But haven't you been out with her once already?

And your point is, exactly?

Well, I can't wait to meet her! And I'm sure she's curious about us.

Er, not now. I've not told her all about you yet.

What haven't you told her?

-That you exist.

-No way!

-Are you kidding?

I was going to do it but...

What, you had more important stuff to tell her?

-We're the biggest thing in your life!

-The only thing!

I had a life before you two came along, you know!

-I did stuff.

-What stuff?

-I was a DJ.

-What? You never DJed!

-Well, I had to tell her something.

-Wait, you told Amber you were a DJ?

Look, Amber's really, really cool. She goes to gigs.

She likes olives. She rides a motorbike!!

-But you're terrified of them.

-She doesn't know that.

It's the start of the relationship. My golden chance to make stuff up!

Might not be the start of anything.

Too right.

So I want to impress her before she finds out what I'm really like.

-And...

-And you're ashamed of us.

What? No...

KNOCK-KNOCK Quick, hide!

-Hi.

-Hey.

Come on in!

I've never seen anyone cook a sausage on a power screwdriver before.

It's the best way to get them evenly brown and juicy.

Craig is going to love this when he wakes up!

Oh, no, they're not for us!

A national buyer is visiting my branch of Sunnyshopper.

I'm going to stun them with my revolutionary new line of sausages.

"Revolutionary"! Very good!

This could be bye-bye to stacking veg in the cold store.

I'm thinking...Assistant Manager.

Well, if you don't dream, you can never wake up.

Do you want a nibble? This one is the Spring Surprise.

What's in this?

Lamb and rhubarb.

Mmm.

Tandoori chicken with banana...

prawn cocktail...

and this is a cross between steak 'n kidney and bacon 'n mushroom.

Steak and bacon?

No, kidney and mushroom.

There! I want them to stand out.

They definitely will.

This is Dad's first ever second date! Well, not including Mum.

But it always seems to go wrong somehow.

Smell mine.

Kids!

Nightmare!

-Hi!

-How's it going, Millie?

She's exactly like Mum!

Like they were separated at birth.

Holy moly! I'm dating my wife!

It's a minefield! Dating is like war, but with nicer meals.

I don't like her.

You can't just decide about someone in 30 seconds!

Why not? I did with you.

-Ooh, almost forgot, I got you a little present.

-Oh!

There's a mistake there - there's no name on it.

It's a pre-release. You know - a white label for DJs only?

Oh! Of course, yes. I know all about that.

I thought you could give it a spin on your decks.

Deck. As long as it's got a hole in the middle...

which it does. Yep! Come on in!

OK. Just the one deck, is it?

Oh, hang it up, Dad!

Yeah, who just dumps their stuff in the hall?

Lauren! What are you doing?

Checking on her. Don't judge me.

She's a psycho! We have to warn Dad!

Stop it. Let me see.

OK, now that is not bad.

Awesome screen. I was looking at this one in the shop, actually...

Until they threw you out of the shop.

PHONE RINGS

Quick, hide!

That's probably the cat that's done that.

-It's a big cat!

-Yeah, it's too big for a cat-flap.

I had to get a dog-flap put in.

Who does she think she is, coming here with her snooty DJ record?

Cos genius Dad told her he used to DJ!

She's stuck-up.

What, a bit like your fringe?

No, you're right.

Let's see who else is on the list of "girlfriends for Dad."

Oh...look, there's NO-ONE!

I just think that Dad should wait for the right person.

Someone like...Mum.

Oh, and that worked out so well(!)

It still could...they're both a lot happier now.

And why do you think that is? Cos they live apart!

All right! Keep your hair extensions on.

-That's my jacket!

-So? You borrow my stuff all the time.

Dad really needs to find someone now Mum has Mike.

-Yeah!

-Great selling point - "I'm desperate".

Dad's right - this is his one chance to make her think he's cool!

-But he can't.

-But you can.

-Me?

-Yeah! You totally know what makes someone look good...

That's very true.

And we can help him behind the scenes.

I can. But you wouldn't know cool if it bit you!

Mmm. Sweet!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

-Cheesy Wheel?

-Thanks.

So, your bike - big beast, is it?

-Oh, you like bikes?

-Me? Yeah, mad on 'em.

-Come down and have a look.

-OK.

I might even let you ride it.

-No! No, erm, I probably shouldn't.

-Why?

Oh, cooking and stuff.

Come down and have a look.

OK.

Now to make Dad into an International Man of Mystery!

-I'm not sure we have got that long.

-Give me the cookbook Mum gave him.

-Gourmet Meals For One?

-Not her most tactful pressie.

We'll use my sound system - and I can do a wicked poster on the computer!

Operation Bigging Up Dad is go!

-Curry in a Hurry?

-Uh-uh.

"Tiger Hammer" body spray?

Smooth Sounds Of The '90s?

No, no and no!

We've got more time! The bike's fallen over with Dad on it.

See what you can borrow from Shaun next door.

He's a healthy eater and a sports freak.

Go, go, go!

Ahhh!

Shazza's sausages! They're not for eating!

You're telling me - I think they're off.

These are samples! For her work!

-Mate, were they on the table?

-Yes.

Then they're fair game. That's the rules.

The rules are, we have got to make some more before she notices, or else WE are fair game!

Yeah, whatever. Fry me an egg while you're at it.

Sausages, sausages, sausages...sausages...sausages.

Oh, no! She made them from scratch!

Dad, you don't make sausages. They come from animals.

Even I know that.

Sausages do not just...grow on pigs!

-Yeah, well, if you say so.

-This should be an eye-opener!

They're not there any more!

They're probably on their way up!

Go, go, go!

Stop saying go!

Awesome machine!

Sorry I dropped it.

No harm done. I'll take you out on it one day.

-I promise.

-Can't wait.

-Do you want to go spin that disc!

-Right.

-Yeah.

So take it away, Master Blaster.

RECORD PLAYS

I just love this.

Just can't stop moving, can you?

Come on then, let's see your moves, Mr DJ.

He did it! Dad's dancing...

That's something I'm never going to be able to un-see.

Oh, turn it up. Here comes the drop.

'And welcome to Fishing Today, where we will be

'discussing the price of cod...'

BAGPIPE MUSIC

Sorry. It's a practice rig.

It's OK, I'm having fun!

Oh, I know we're meant to be playing it cool,

but I hate pretending and you seem really genuine,

and I don't go on many second dates, so...

That came out wrong.

I wish someone would stop me talking.

She moved in.

Do you think he's going to kiss her?

Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, Dad!

But phew! That would have been too weird.

You didn't tell me you were into adrenaline sports.

Now she's going to see how cool I am.

-I mean he is.

-You what?

Ice climbing? What do you climb?

Ice...icles. They're small but they're technically demanding.

And men's fashion?

Yes, I like to keep abreast of all the trends.

Who's your style icon?

Prince Charles.

Not cool, Dad.

Shark fishing! Isn't that dangerous?

You have to know what you're doing around the big sea...

mammals.

Personally I think that's a bit cruel!

Oh, well, when I say I hunt them, I mean hunt FOR them.

And then there they are. And swim around them with them a bit.

You know, like mates.

Now that is impressive.

Wow. I was obviously fitter then.

It's all still there, under the surface.

So you can make sausages! Who knew?

Most people. Pan!

Mmm! That's what I'm talking about.

Stop eating them!

Ah! My samples! Who did this?

I was hungry!

You didn't even finish them!

Not that hungry.

My leek and squid, that took ages. What was it like?

Chewing a tyre?

Listen, together we can fix this.

TEAM - Together Everyone Achieves More.

SOLO. Shove Off, Leave, Out!

Out!

-Shaz...

-Both of you!

Whoa. She...er...really lost it.

Well, she's upset! This is important. It's her chance to shine!

We did her a favour. The world is simply not ready for pork and marmalade.

Someone had to be the first to try snail porridge!

And who thought to put liver and onions together?

A torturer?

I know you want to make this right.

Yeah. Why's that? She's not my mum.

This one - who made it?

-Sorry...

-Don't be. It's awesome!

You have a sausage nose.

-LAUGHS

-Shut up, Dad!

Sorry! A minute ago, he didn't know his sausage from his elbow.

OK. What did you put in it?

You know, bit of this, bit of that...

Don't push me. I need to know!

-I don't remember.

-Didn't you write it down?

What am I, Jamie Oliver?

Sniff it!

You sniff it!

I'm getting a hint of leather...

freshly mown hay, compost?

Oooh! You will remember!

Help me!

-Hurry up!

-I'm going as fast as I...

So, what's cooking in here?

Too late!

Smells good.

It's nothing fancy. I'm not much of a cook.

You're living dangerously!

Well, that's the way I roll, you know.

No, leaving fish out with a cat around. Where is your cat?

Out. Sometimes he goes out for...months.

-Oh! You!

-Eh?

Nothing. So. Lunch.

What are you cooking?

What am I making...

Well, now...that's the question?

See if you can guess.

-Curry?

-Curry! That's it! Well done. What's this, now?

Can you get a brush? Just in there.

-Yeah.

-Thanks.

Oh! It's OK!

Erm...

We'll deal with that in a minute.

I'll just carry on. I'll just get on with chopping this.

-It looks hot.

-It's making my eyes water already.

-Don't rub them.

Ahhh! Ahhh, my eyes!

You need water.

Thanks.

You OK?

Yeah. Excuse me a moment.

No. No. Think! What did you put in it?

I dunno! I just grabbed stuff.

Instinct. You don't ask Lionel Messi how he scores goals!

Messi who? Never mind. OK, instinct.

Just relax - don't think, grab stuff.

Ooh, I'm going to be so late...

-Um...

-Relax!

I can't! You're freaking me out!

-Are you sure you tried all the first lot?

-Yes!

No...

Wait! That's it! That's the one!!

Mmmm! Right, what did you put in it?

I dunno.

-I think Dad wrote it down...

-Well, make some more then!

Hey, it's the International Dude of Mystery!

What do you two think you're up to?

Ooh. What happened to your eyes?

I burned them cooking...cooking... what am I cooking?

I don't know. Ask Millie - she's on lunch.

But here I'm kind of making you look awesome

and it's a full-time job so...

Leave this is where Amber can see it.

No. Because I did not write Crossing Antarctica by Yak!

What about this?

Wow! That is amazing! But this stops right now.

Why? Isn't she impressed with you?

No! Well, maybe a bit.

But you know all of this stuff - it's not me!

"I want to impress her before she finds out what I'm really like."

-Who said that?

-I did.

But...I can't cook.

You don't have to, right! Does James Bond do his own stunts?

-Does Santa make his own presents?

-No.

No. He leaves it to his Magic Elves.

So get her out of the kitchen and we'll do the rest.

-Fine, but that's all, OK?

-Yeah.

There's no more unexploded bombs lying around?

No. Well, just the make-up.

-Make-up?

-I left my make-up bag in the bathroom.

-What?

-She'll be keener on you if she thinks you have competition!

Oh!

Ah, so you found the bathroom.

Yes. And I also found this.

Oh, that? That old thing.

Keep it handy, do you? For visitors?

Or did someone leave it behind?

Yeah. We have got a very glamorous cleaner...

What do you take me for?

I don't want to be next on your list of plumbing forum girlfriends.

Look, you have the wrong idea about me.

No wonder you like swimming with sharks. You are one!

DOOR SLAMS

Cat's back.

-I thought you were interested in me.

-I was! I am...

OK, it's my make-up.

I wear a little "guyliner".

It's very subtle - you wouldn't notice.

Really? Let's see you put it on, then.

Goodbye, Tony.

-Wait!

-I'm sorry I wasted your time.

You'd probably rather be off climbing icicles and shooting sea mammals!

-Amber, hold on.

-Have a nice life.

-The make-up's my daughter's!

-Oh, you have a daughter now, have you?

-Actually, he's got two.

-Hi!

Sorry. Can I have my make-up bag back? Thank you.

They're your daughters?

I am so sorry... What must you think of me?

It's my fault. I should've said.

Only he's ashamed of us!

-Would you rather I just left?

-No!

-No, really, it's fine. Really. Amber, this is Millie.

-Hi.

-And Lauren.

-Hiya.

Awkward balloon...

I drew on your face!

Don't worry.

Who hasn't done that?

-What?

-Nothing.

Oh, no, they've done it again, haven't they?

You fall for it every time!

Mum really shouldn't have laughed at him.

He let her go to work like that.

OK, let's start again. Lunch?

-Good idea!

-I'm starving!

Not you two.

They'll mainly be out of the way from now on.

No, now they've popped up out of nowhere, I'd like them to join us.

Oh, well, if you insist.

Not you. You're coming with me... Get in there!

She gone, then?

Yeah, yeah. She said thanks for the help.

I'm just worried no-one's going to try them.

What do you mean? Those are Premier League bangers.

-She can't lose.

-But people don't like to try new things.

I mean, you never try anything new.

You practically lived off gravy for a year.

Where are you off to?

Out. Suddenly got a tasty idea!

Well, that clears that up, then(!)

OK, National Buyers - bring it on.

Attention, Sunnyshoppers! Who'd like to try an experimental sausage?

I mean, a brand-new sausage?

Be the first to sample a new flavour combination - beef and liquorice!

Goat curry!

Come on!

Anyone?

That is the five-second rule, OK?

It's the buyer.

Are we really so afraid to get our teeth sunk into something new?

Fine.

Sunnyshoppers, you have let me down.

Missus! Can I try?

Yes! Yes, unknown boy...

Mmm. That is really nice.

I'm glad you like them, members of the hard-to-reach youth market!

Right. First question. Why is this lemon green?

That would be cos it's a lime.

OK. Coconut milk! For Pete's sake, how do you milk a coconut?

Relax, Dad. I'll just take it from here.

Fine.

That was delicious.

You two are gorgeous!

Lauren, you are so lucky. I would literally kill for hair like that.

-PHONE RINGS

-Sorry.

(Psycho.)

So, Amber, what do you do?

She's a delivery person.

Like parcels and stuff?

No, like babies. I'm a midwife!

Oh, well, that explains a lot...

Let me help.

And when I get back, I want to hear about what you love the most.

What you're really passionate about!

You mean her mobile phone?

Lauren!

She's a bit full-on, isn't she?

That's a bit harsh. I think she's really nice.

Ooh, you've changed your tune. Just cos she likes your hair.

That's not it!

It's just nice to see Dad get his twinkle back, that's all.

We could be talking third date!

And you know where you go on your third date?

Pasta City?

Planet Snog!

Don't act all innocent. You know, like, making out and stuff. Like...

-Hello again!

-Aah!

Sorry, I was just talking about people at school...

So, Amber, what do you think of Dad?

-Well, you don't beat around the bush, do you!

-We won't say a word - trust us.

OK, well, his cooking's good.

Don't you miss him when he goes away?

Dad? He never goes...

Yeah. I mean, it's hard.

But a guy like that, you can't tie him down!

Yeah, he certainly seems adventurous.

Totally lives for danger.

Adrenaline monkey.

And I'm sure he'll make someone very happy one day.

Eh?

I'd worry about boring him - he seems such a wild man.

Uh-oh!

It's like we're trying to sell her a sports car,

when all she really wants is a scooter!

Not that my dad's a scooter, but you know what I mean.

Here we are - choccie pudding!

Ah!

(Spider!)

-Don't worry Dad, I'll get it!

-It's coming for me!

I think I've put my back out.

Ahh! Easy, easy...

-Poor Dad.

-Do you want your special pillow?

Good job this didn't happen halfway up an icicle.

Too right. Even a loose skate up there can cost lives.

It's funny how you swim with sharks but you're scared of a spider.

Um...

-Amber, I'm a fraud.

-No!

I'm not an ice climber!

I'm not a diver.

I don't have a body of that bungee-jumper.

I'm not even a DJ.

I'm just a bog-standard bloke.

He does have a bronze swimming medal, though.

And you're a fab cook!

That was her.

It's all been these girls trying to big me up.

Like James Bond and his tiny elves.

Does he have elves?

Probably. Exploding ones...

Why?

We wanted you to think he was cool so you'd stick around long enough to get to know him.

And we didn't know then you weren't really into cool guys!

In which case, he's, like, perfect.

So you did it because you love him

and you wanted me to think he's as great as you do.

-Yeah!

-That's it!

Wow, this has certainly given me a lot to process.

I better get going.

So will we be seeing you again?

Millie! Ow.

I'd like that. You know, if...

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Sure. Why not? Ah!

THUD

I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me!

But then Craig turned it around.

Come here, you! Give me a man-hug.

Get off.

What about the national buyer?

Well, he took a sausage away in a special baggie!

I dunno in the end if it was one of yours or one of mine.

Oh, it was one of mine. Trust me.

It doesn't matter whose it was. We're a team and there is no "I" in "team"!

There's no "we" in team either.

No, but there's a "we" in "we did it"! Eh? Eh?

Well, thank you both.

Oh, I got something for you.

Sunnyshopper "Expensive But Worth It" Luxury Chocolate Muffins!

Thank you - I mean, being a hero is hungry work.

-Someone's bitten them.

-Sorry.

I was hungry!

At least they're not chocolate and anchovy.

Oi! Cheeky.

You two just relax - I'll take care of tea. Bangers and mash!

-You didn't have to show me out.

-It's fine!

Well, I'll see you soon! Maybe next time, I'll bring my kids.

Oh, did I not mention? Amber has two.

A boy and a girl, right?

Mm-hm. Fran and Jake.

That's why I'm so thrilled to find out about you two.

You would get on brilliantly! Bye, then.

Bye!

Ah!

Kids!

Two kids? Why didn't you tell us?

I...forgot. Anyway, it's all good. I'm sure they're lovely.

What are you saying? You like them better than us?

Ah no, no, I've not met them!!

-I can't believe we've helped you!

-Ow, ow, ow! OK, OK...

Who's going to carry me to my bedroom?

Amber kids bombshell!

Wait...what if they're another Craig?

Another two Craigs?

Oh!

Honestly - we don't get to choose our parents or their new partners!

Or their new partner's kids.

But we do get to choose whether we like them or not.

Obviously they'll like us - won't they?

They better! They've got no choice.