Gloria Millie Inbetween

-Two daughters as promised.

-Mm-hm.

-DOORBELL KEEPS RINGING

-Do you want me to take a look at that?

-No. I've got it.

-Are you sure? Cos there's a wee knack to it.

-It's fine! I can do it!

SLIPPER THUDS

Mum's never been good at accepting help,

especially from Dad.

-Here, let me.

-Why? Do you think I can't do it myself?

-SHE GRUNTS

-Right...

-Who fancies takeaway?

-I'll order for you.

-DOORBELL CONTINUES

-Up to you.

THUD! DOORBELL STOPS

I was just about to do that!

CRAIG: You're welcome, Sharon!

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

SHE SNIFFS

What's the date?

It's the 16th, isn't it?

So you got any plans today, Mike?

Of course. Today is a big day!

Way Of The Tiger 2's coming out!

And we've got tickets for the first screening!

Come on, Craig-san.

Something wrong?

-Nah, nothing.

-OK.

Just today's the anniversary of Mike and I getting together!

Oh, guys, they forget everything.

-Whoops.

-What whoops?

I forgot. Great Aunt Gloria called.

Gloria? What the...? What did she want?

-Tuesday...?

-Tuesday? What about Tuesday?

Lunch? I...

No! She can't! What did you say?

-Chill, I told her you were working.

-Oh, thank goodness!

I mean, what a shame. I haven't seen Gloria for years.

-It would've been really nice to catch up.

-Sunday!

-Sunday? What about Sunday?

-Lunch. I said it was fine.

-You did what?! That's today!

-Well, good thing I remembered, then.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

What's the big deal, Mum? You're cooking lunch anyway.

It's not that, is it? It's just...

I never told Gloria about your dad and I splitting up.

Mum! Why?

Well, it just never seemed like the right time.

It'll be a relief to get that off your chest, then!

Everything all right, Mum?

Fine. Why?

You're polishing a pot plant.

Ah! It's nice and shiny now.

Oh...

I'm worried. What will Gloria say?

She'll say, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why didn't you?"

You don't know her like I do, Millie.

She's determined to make me feel like a failure.

I'm sure that's not true.

When I was 16, I came second in a big dance competition.

-She said I was the first loser.

-OK.

-When I raised £90 for charity, she said...

-Shame it wasn't 100?

-Shame it wasn't 1,000!

-Ouch!

I know she'll make me feel like it was my fault the marriage failed.

Just tell her the truth.

-It was your dad's fault?

-No! It was no-one's fault.

Well, she'll want it to be someone's fault,

and preferably mine!

Unless, well... I don't have to tell her!

I could say...Tony's on holiday?

Mum, if there's one thing you've taught me,

it's that you should always be honest.

I want a word with you.

Me? What? Why? I haven't touched your mascara! Ha!

You better not have!

O...K!

So, we've all told a few little white lies.

But they're harmless, right?

Wrong! Which Lauren should know better than anyone.

HIGHLAND MUSIC PLAYS

Do you like it? It's very dear to me. It belonged to my granny.

I think it's pretty cool.

The Highland Lassie look is on point right now.

I thought, if you liked it, you could wear it to your prom.

Poor old Lauren.

Even when you lie with the best of intentions,

it's still more hassle than it's worth.

-I've got a plan to get Mum out of the fix with Gloria.

-Oh, no!

-I need your help!

-Even more "oh, no!"

You got Mum into this mess, you sort it out.

-You don't even know what I'm going to say.

-I don't need to!

It'll just be something stupid, like pretending we've all got

-contagious diseases and the house has been quarantined.

-Don't be silly!

Or there's an unexploded World War II bomb in the garden.

That's even sillier! Actually, keep going...

Or getting Dad to come round

and pretend like he's still married to Mum.

Brilliant, I knew you'd help me!

Wait, what?!

So, you need to come and pretend that you're still married to Mum.

Er, no, thanks.

16 years of the real thing was more than enough for me.

-But, Dad, Gloria's really old - the shock might be too much for her.

-Ah!

That old girl is as tough as nails.

And your mum would never agree to it anyway.

Actually, it was Mum's idea.

-She said that she really needs your help.

-Did she?!

-Mm-hm.

-Well, it's nice of her to finally admit it!

-You should've seen her. She was practically begging.

-Oh!

-I wish I had!

-It was sad.

I can imagine!

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

-Ha! I'm totally wearing more than you!

-Och!

I win the "most clothes on" competition!

No way! How many pairs of pants are you wearing?

None!

-Actually, Jake - you win!

-LAUGHTER

-You are in there, aren't you, Jake?

-Yup!

Oh, we are not worthy!

Aw, right, what are we going to do now?

I know - let's eat our lunch blindfolded!

-I was thinking we might go out?

-Even better! I've got a great idea -

let's go swimming with penguins!

Actually, I was thinking just me, Fran and Jake.

-Oh, right.

-You don't mind, do you?

It's just it's been so long since it was just the three of us.

Of course not, no, no, you should definitely do that.

Like you say, it'll be good to spend some time without me.

And it's perfect, cos I've got my own plans.

Oh? What are they?

-He's having lunch at ours!

-Aye, that's right.

Yeah.

DOORBELL KEEPS RINGING

-Gloria!

-You should get Tony to look at that.

-Oh, there's no need.

DOORBELL STOPS Lovely to see you again, Sharon.

-Goodness, you are looking well.

-Thank you - you too.

You've hardly got any wrinkles.

So, how was your journey?

Terrible. I don't know why you insist on living so far away.

Oh, not there, dear - I don't want a banister bump.

Put it on a hanger.

So, how's Tony?

It's funny you should ask that.

Actually, it's very funny, cos, you see, the thing is, Tony is in the...

..the kitchen!

What are you doing here? I mean, really, what are you doing?

Just making a start on the spuds, love. Why, what's it look like?

I genuinely have no idea!

It's good to see you again, Gloria. Here, let me hang up your coat.

-On a hanger - don't want to get a banister bump!

-No!

SHE LAUGHS

-Er...cup of tea?

-Oh, that would be lovely!

I was wondering when anyone was going to offer.

I've brought you your favourites - Turkish delight!

Aw! Mmm!

-WITH MOUTH FULL:

-You spoil me!

-Hiya, Gloria!

-Oh, hello, dear.

Oh, goodness - someone's been let run wild.

Could you, um, excuse us for a second?

I just need to ask Tony about the, er, the doorbell.

I knew you'd want me to fix it eventually.

This isn't about the doorbell! What are you doing here?

It's fine. Lauren explained everything.

-You can thank me later.

-Thank you?!

I know it's hard for you to ask for my help,

but don't worry, I've got this under control.

I can't think where you get those cheekbones.

-Gloria, there's something I have to tell you.

-Mmm?

Tony and I have...

-We've...

-Yes?

-The truth is...

-They've decided to renew their wedding vows!

Oh? How modern!

To be honest, I wondered if you'd make a go of it.

Must be the first time you've managed to stick at anything in your life!

So well done, you!

-Thanks.

-So many marriages don't last these days.

-So true!

-And when you look at your history!

How long were you at your first job? Two weeks, wasn't it?

-Three days.

-Mmm!

And then there was that pet shop apprenticeship she dropped out of.

What was it? Allergic to gerbils!

-THEY LAUGH

-Yes, well, I had to quit!

-Nobody wants to buy a pet off someone that's wheezing.

-Well...

And, you know, well, maybe I've changed, because, well...

We are still oh so together.

Oh!

-Aren't we, Tone?

-Aw, couldn't be happier!

Lovely to see you looking so happy together.

Either I've time travelled or you've done something stupid.

I snuck Dad in through the back door.

-Have we had a Dad-flap installed?

-Isn't it great that he's here?

-No! This was a terrible plan.

-This was YOUR plan.

CHATTER FROM KITCHEN

Anyway, it's nice to have the family together again, isn't it?

No. It's way too weird and it's bound to go wrong. Mum and Dad

can't stay in the same room for five minutes without arguing.

They're not doing too badly now, though, are they?

I make that nearly seven argument-free minutes. New PB.

It's not right. Someone has to tell Gloria the truth.

Be my guest.

That's what I thought.

So, now, we're going to stick to the "lying our heads off" plan.

She's going to regret it!

-So, what shall we do?

-Go-karting!

-No way.

-The helmets make my hair stink.

-And last time, you tinkered

-with the engine.

-You're the one that taught me mechanics.

I want to swim with penguins.

-Let's call Tony.

-No!

What I mean is - what would you say to tickets

to the premier of Way Of The Tiger 2?

-No way!

-Really? Yes!

See? Tony's not the only one that can surprise you!

SHE LAUGHS

Awesome!

So, um, how's Uncle Graham?

Oh, his usual self, off playing golf.

Can't think why he wants to get out of the house so much.

Oh! Who are they, Millie?

That's Craig. He's...

That's Lauren's boyfriend.

Boyfriend?! Lauren, you are growing up.

Boyfriend's a bit strong.

I'd say he's more of a friend.

In fact, even that's a bit strong.

But you keep his photo on the mantelpiece?

Hmm. And who's that?

That's Mike - he's Mum's brother-in-law!

That's, er, Tony's brother. Uncle Mike.

Oh, yes. We met at the wedding.

But he looks different.

Aye, he's let himself go a bit since then.

Hmm. I was thinking he'd lost weight.

And had hair implants?

He's very handsome now! Hee-hee!

I'll just, er...

..check on lunch!

Oh, I hope you're not going to any trouble on my account.

Oh, no! No, it's just the usual.

Oh...pity.

SHE GULPS

Right, Tony's left me a new key.

-He locked himself out in his dressing gown!

-Ha!

Tony! Skills!

-It was right here.

-Oh. I used it as a sword for my robot.

Right, so where is it?

-Really?

-OK. Let's retrace your steps.

-So, I got up in the morning...

-Mm-hm?

Oh! ..and then I put on my pants.

And did you have it with you then?

No.

What did I say?

You start off with one lie and before you know it you've got three.

And the problem with lies is

they have a habit of coming back and biting you on the bum.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! You look a picture!

I can't wait to see your friends' faces when you walk into the prom.

Yeah, let's hope there isn't a freak earthquake or something.

And guess what - I'm going to pipe you into school!

TUNELESS PIPING OF Amazing Grace

And Mum's in for one heck of a bum bite.

-Pass me that oven dish.

-You're making a big mistake.

-Why? Do you think I should use the baking tray?

-No!

I mean you have to tell Gloria about you and Dad.

Yeah, I will, eventually.

Preferably in a letter. Or a message in a bottle.

Tell her before it goes too far.

It's already gone too far! This is what too far looks like!

Now I'm married to your dad again, Mike's his brother

and Lauren's dating Craig.

But that's it - no more dishonesty!

Right, does that look like I made it?

Do you want an honest answer to that?

Only if it's the right one.

Fine. Then you're on your own.

Tell Gloria I've got some homework to do.

Oh, no. This is a family lunch and you're going to be there.

And if I find you telling the truth...

you'll be in trouble.

SHE SIGHS

-So, I was playing with it in the kitchen.

-And then?

-Oh, I made a jam and ham sandwich.

-OK. You jam, you ham. Go, go!

Er...

Oh, look, got him!

Check in the secret compartment.

-Cheese.

-Robie likes cheese. Where did you put the key, Robie?

OK...this is happening.

Aw, it smells great. I've really missed your Sunday roasts, Shaz.

I mean, it's been a whole week since the last one!

That looks lovely, Sharon.

Bit dry, maybe.

-Oh, I think the head of the house should carve, don't you?

-Yeah.

Oh, aye! Er, that'd be me.

Make sure the slices are nice and thin.

Yes, he does do them too thick.

Make them nice and thin, Tony.

Certainly, Sharon.

Happy anniversary! LOUD GASPS

Uh-oh! Looks like the chickens have come home to roost!

-Anniversary? What...?

-Aye, er...

-Surprise!

-Hey!

-Tony! This is a genuine surprise!

-You're not kidding!

Happy anniversary, love.

-Hang on a minute...

-Gloria, you remember my brother Mike,

the one who's let himself go? Thanks for helping us out, bro!

HE KICKS HIM

-Nobody move. I'll get my camera!

-SHE GIGGLES

-You're supposed to be at the movies!

-So you could do what?

I'm sorry! Gloria's my aunt.

I haven't told her that Tony and I split up.

She's got a bad heart - the shock might kill her.

So we're pretending we're still together.

You won't say anything, will you?

I can't lie, Sharon - it's bad for my karma.

Finally, someone sensible!

You don't have to lie.

-Just don't tell her the truth.

-I wouldn't know where to begin!

Here we go. Now...

Cuddle up close, just the two of you.

Um...

-Oh, you mean...? Sorry! With Tony?

-Yes!

-My husband!

Right, of course!

Thanks for these...Tony.

I thought you'd forgotten. I underestimated you.

Aye, well, there's nothing new.

Lovely!

-Will you be joining us, Mike?

-Er, no, no, he's got to go.

Thank you! Yes, I will.

But I thought you had to go to that...thing at...a place.

No, no, it's all fine.

Good!

-Are you married, Mike?

-Now, that's an interesting question.

-And what's the answer?

-He's seeing a really super lady.

Can we just eat, before anything else happens?

Sorry I'm late.

SHE SIGHS Look! It's chicken number two!

Oh, Lauren's boyfriend!

Eh?!

Heard all about you!

-Hi.

-Hey, get off! What are you doing?

Oh, Craig, you're not still mad with me, are you?

We're just going to go have a little chat in private.

-Little tiff, eh?

-Yeah.

-Mmm.

-I don't get it.

-How many times?! Look, it's very simple.

Mum and Dad are pretending to be married.

Mike is Dad's brother. You're my boyfriend.

What's not to get?

-I always knew you fancied me.

-Don't be gross.

Eugh! You're going to have to leave. We're breaking up.

I can't believe you're breaking up with me!

And on Mum and Dad's anniversary! Just go!

Oh, roast chicken - sweet!

But you're breaking up with me - that means that you can't stay.

No, it's all right - you're forgiven.

Well, in that case, I'M breaking up with YOU!

Nuh-uh! You could never break up with me.

Oh, pass the pepper, Da...

..Uncle...Mike.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

Where am I supposed to sit?

I'm sure Craig won't mind if you sit on his lap, now that you've made up.

Like two little lovebirds.

I'm afraid I wasn't expecting this many people,

so the portions might be rather small.

Well, I did think we might have been going out.

You don't mind, do you, Tony?

-You are on a diet.

-Aw...

Here's to 18 years of happy marriage.

Is that all? It feels so much longer.

Ha! Cheers!

EVERYONE: Cheers!

No, it's not in there.

BOTH: Eugh!

So where next, Jake, on the magical mystery tour?

My moon base!

We're never going to make it.

-RATTLING

-Um, what was that?

It was in your trousers! It's gone behind the radiator!

Agh, if only I had smaller hands.

Jake... JAKE SIGHS

Quick, quick, quick!

-Got it.

-Agh! Go, go, go, go, go!

Mmm!

Now, this IS good, Sharon, best part of the meal.

You must give me your recipe.

SHE COUGHS

-My-my recipe?

-Mm-hm!

-Yeah, no problem.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Ooh! Sorry!

Oh, it's Graham. Would you excuse me?

Oh, my top smells like Craig! Now I'm going to have to burn it.

Dried whey and mechanically recovered chocolate fragments?

Well, this is one anniversary you won't forget in a hurry.

I'm so sorry about this, Mike.

Why don't you just tell her? She seems reasonable enough.

I can't. Not after we've been brazenly lying to her face.

Chill, will you? She'll be gone soon.

You just need to keep it up for another half an hour.

-I want danger money.

-Shut it, you!

30 minutes. But that's it. This is not what I agreed to.

Graham was just wondering when I'd be back.

Listen, I've got a long journey ahead of me

and I don't want to be driving home in the dark.

Well, it's been really lovely to see you, Gloria.

So I thought it would be best if I stayed the night.

It's really delicious.

-I can't find my shoes. Shall I put these on?

-No!

Trainers are in the hall. Go!

-We're going to miss it!

-Over my dead body! Come on!

-Tickets!

-Oh!

OK! OK...

Now everyone slow down or else we'll have an a...

THUD!

..ccident!

Turkish delight?

Here's the cheesecake recipe.

-Don't share it around, cos that's a family secret.

-Ooh!

Oh, now where are my glasses?

-(I am not stopping the night.

-You can sleep on the floor!)

Sorry, II just remembered.

I've got an important electricians' conference tomorrow

down in...Sparkhampton... and so I have to set off now.

-That's next week, Tony.

-Er, no, no, it's definitely tomorrow.

Are you sure? Are you sure it's not next week?

Er, er, let me check.

Aye - tomorrow it is.

Perhaps I'd better just go and powder my nose.

-What do you think you're playing at?

-It's over. I want a divorce, again!

You're always trying to fix things that aren't broken by breaking them!

Why don't we just take a breather? Everyone stay calm.

A composed and level mentality.

Oh, shut up!

No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be like.

That's what it was like.

Anything else is just a fantasy world.

Someone has to tell Gloria the truth.

Yeah - you!

I can't just go blurting out about Mum and Dad's divorce.

I can see I'm going to have to knock some heads together.

Gloria! What a definitely unplanned surprise.

I hope I haven't caused problems by staying.

Mum's just stressed.

You see - I probably shouldn't be telling you this -

but she's been lying to you.

Lying? What about?

Well...

You just can't admit you needed help.

This is my fault. I never should have lied.

It's OK, Sharon. Millie's told me all about it.

Sorry - someone had to.

I don't know what to say.

-You must think we're awful.

-We?

Forget it - it's not that big a deal.

See? I told you she'd understand.

I should have said something when you first arrived.

But then Tony showed up

-and started acting like we were still married...

-Hmm?

Oh, I don't know - I guess it just seemed easier

than telling you about the divorce.

-Divorce?

-Then Mike showed up with flowers

and I got so tangled up, I didn't know what else to do!

And Craig is actually my son.

And I hate Turkish delight.

We've been so stupid!

What must you think?

Well, at least now it's all out in the open, eh?

-Gloria?

-Millie told me...

about the pudding.

Honestly, it's fine - it's just a sprain.

-Are you sure?

-I am a medically-trained midwife!

-It's not a baby, it's an ankle!

-Mmm.

It's fine... Argh!

Yeah, that definitely sounds fine to me(!)

It's OK, Mum. We've missed it now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just...I wanted to prove that I was fun too, you know?

Ever since Tony came along, he's been the exciting one with the fun ideas

and I'm just the boring old parent with the boring old ideas.

Mum...

Tony's fun, but he's just the icing on the cake.

Yeah, Mum - you're the cake!

Aw, you two!

But why on earth would she lie about getting divorced?

She's got it into her head that you think she's a failure.

What? Oh, what nonsense! Honestly, that's typical of Sharon!

She never gets anything right!

-I rest my case.

-What?

Oh. Well, perhaps I am a bit hard on her,

but it's only because I want her to do well.

Maybe you should tell her that.

Hmm.

Oh, Sharon!

You didn't have to make things up to impress me.

I don't think you're a failure!

Oh, thank you.

You've no idea what a relief it is to hear you say that.

In fact, there's something I'VE been meaning to tell YOU.

Graham and I got divorced.

-But we're still friends too.

-Sorry.

When?!

Two years ago.

-Two years ago?!

-Mm-hm.

-Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it's not that easy, is it?

Well, you two must have a lot to talk about.

There's just one thing I still don't understand.

Isn't Tony upset that you're dating his brother?

Oh...

-Hi!

-TONY SIGHS

-Good outing?

-We didn't even leave the flat.

Er, long story.

-How was lunch?

-Let's just say that I'm starving.

What about we buy a mountain of fish and chips,

drive up to the view and stuff our faces in the car?

-MUM LAUGHS

-Yeah!

Looks like a good night for UFO spotting.

You'll have to carry me, but...sounds good.

To the left, to the right, to the left, to the right.

And jump! And jump! That's it, Gloria! Keep those knees up!

Seeing Mum and Dad together has made me realise what ace parents they are.

When they're apart!

I think I might start going to the gym.

-Maybe I can bag a personal trainer toy boy for myself!

-Oh?

Jokes!

Craigie has to go home now.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that. Thank you very much for the lunch.

It's all right, mate, you don't have to...

Gloria wanted to get a photo of you two together to show her friends.

-No, no. I really don't think...

-Oh, come on, Craig - give her a hug.

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, a bit closer! I can't quite fit you both in.

That's it! Now, give her a nice big kiss.

CAMERA CLICKS

-Come on!

-O...K.

So you should always try and tell the truth.

But sometimes, it's seriously tricky.

Marvellous!

I'll let them know in the end.

But this is too good an opportunity to miss.

Do you like Turkish delight, Mike?