Surprise, Surprise Millie Inbetween

Dad always did this on our birthdays, so I'm keeping up tradition.

Oh, I've grown massively.

There. Aw, yes, I'm well taller than Lauren

when she turned 13. Result!

Can you believe that I'm going to be a teenager?

Wait, does that mean that I'm going to suddenly wake up with spots

and an attitude? Ugh.

Mum's giving me a surprise party.

Now, I know what you're thinking. How did I find out?

Well, Mum told Lauren, and Lauren can totally NOT keep a secret.

Should I go out on my birthday?

You can't. Mum's giving you a surprise...

A surprise what?

A surprise...

haircut?

A surprise party.

Just as well. I hate surprises.

-You'll literally never guess what.

-What?

I can't tell you. It's a surprise.

Not another one.

Put it this way, though. I would not like to be in your shoes,

and not just because they're small and uncool.

What is it? Tell me!

Wait, is it a bad thing?

Does Craig have a twin?

Tell me!

No, it's a secret. Besides, I have my reputation to think of.

For what? Telling you a secret is like posting it online.

That's not true. I have to respect it.

Dad wants to give you a surprise...

Surprise what? Don't say haircut.

A surprise dentist appointment.

Great! What a birthday.

New hair and new teeth.

Duh! No, it's a surprise party. Oops.

Two surprises? That's two too many.

I've got to get one of them to cancel the party,

but I can't let on that I know.

Tricky.

Can I go to Dad's on my birthday?

What? Why? What's he want?

Or have you got something planned?

Me? No!

What would I have planned?

OK, then.

PHONE DIALS AND RINGS

-Yeah, Tony?

-Yes?

Have you forgotten about the surprise party?

The what?

Er, no, no!

Don't worry. It's all in hand.

I made a list.

No, no, no! Ah!

Let's see.

Right, erm, I'm getting sweets,

party hats and loads of those little sausages that no-one eats.

No. I'm getting the little sausages that no-one eats

because I'm the one having the party?

Oh, dear. Someone's got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

Yes, you!

Tony? Tony?

-Are you listening to me?

-I'm thinking.

See, it's not a problem

cos we'll just move yours to a different day.

Well, why don't we move yours?

OK. Why don't we have both on the same day, but at different times?

Er, because, er, er, that would be bonkers!

Not as bonkers as having them at the same time.

I don't believe this. Fine!

Good. I knew you'd see sense. Wh...

Move it!

I wonder what I'll be like when I'm a teenager.

Move it, bumface!

Will I have anger issues like Lauren?

You wish your bum looked this good.

If you don't get out of my way, now,

I will LITERALLY scream my head off!

Thank you.

-Hm.

-Uh?

Hm.

Oh.

Or will I speak fluent grunt like Craig?

I guess you'll find out when it happens,

like chicken pox but with less scratching.

Right, brainstorm.

What are we going to do for Millie's 'do'?

Well, she's growing up.

When I was 13 I kissed my first boy.

BOTH: Mum! Gross!

There'll be no kissing at my little girl's party.

All I mean is, Millie might not even want a 'party' party.

Maybe you could take her to a gig

or horse riding?

Nah. She's getting a proper party.

Right. Come on, you lot. Think...

fun!

Shush!

Right. Millie will be a teenager,

so Swiss roll and bendy straws just won't cut it.

Why don't you ask Tony what he's planning,

then you two can complement each other like chalk and cheese?

Ha! Like I'm going to give him an advantage by telling him

all my party secrets.

It's not a competition you know.

No. Course not.

But I do still want to win.

Why not you do what you did on my thirteenth,

get lost on the way to the water park and squabble with Dad?

We could do face painting!

Or something a bit more teenage. Nail painting?

I could organise some games?

Good, like pass the parcel?

Er, no. She's 13, not five.

Oh, and I could play an air guitar solo!

Oh, King of Rock, I salute you!

Ooh, and I could lure her here by telling her we've got

a surprise for her! Oh, no, wait...

And we have to practise jumping out at her and shouting,

"Party!"

No, you shout, "Surprise" babe.

Surprise, babe!

Just "Surprise".

Just surprise!

Well, you're the teenagers. What do you think Millie might like?

Some decent sounds, of course,

from a cutting edge DJ such as moi.

I could invite some of my friends, older kids,

so Millie has someone to look up to.

Deep-fried pizza.

A no-parents chill-out room.

Hey, how about decorating cupcakes?

I'm sorry, it's all getting a bit full-on.

Mike!

Kids don't stay sweet and innocent forever, you know?

I mean, look at Lauren and Craig.

Besides, I don't want Millie thinking I'm clinging to the past

like tragic Velcro.

And I bet Tony's planning something really cool and edgy.

Ta-dah! Balloon hat!

Wicked! Are you going to do that at Millie's party?

Too right. Why wouldn't I?

Right, I'm going to go and make Millie's cake.

Did you just say you're going to make a cake?

Yeah, why? Making a cake's easy.

It's basically just eggs

and I can cook eggs.

Sort of.

I know, right? But I've got to try.

I can't just wait for 13 to hit me.

Millie! Millie are you up there?

You know it's your birthday' right, not Halloween?

That's my make-up!

Well, you know that we will be teens together soon.

I mean, we can share clothes, make-up, styling tips.

Here's a tip.

Touch my stuff again and you're dead!

Wait!

Can you give me some teenager lessons?

I mean you're the master, right?

I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

That's for sure. You look like Bellatrix Lestrange.

Teach me your secrets, oh great one!

OK.

The teenage death stare.

Now you go.

You look like an angry gerbil.

So, the tantrum. Stand back.

Sort yourselves out!

This is unacceptable! I'm not a child!

But I am a child.

Yes, but only when it suits you.

OK, so you don't look for stuff, cos that's what parents are for.

So, you can't find your glasses...

But I'm wearing them.

Concentrate. Now, go.

Mum! I can't find my glasses!

Mum!

-Louder.

-But they're right here!

-Louder!

-Mum!

What do you want?

Roll it up. More.

But my thighs will get cold.

So? Do you want people to think you're, like, a Victorian librarian?

OK, that's better. Now...

Look, I'm sorry,

but I just don't feel like I have anything else to learn.

Oh, don't you?

I mean, I pretty much know it all already.

-Now listen to me geek face...

-It's OK. Just being a teenager.

What?

I don't know. It's just your clothes, your hair...

you.

I can't imagine you as one of us.

There! Told you I could make a cake.

I may have missed out the, er, eggs

but what do you reckon?

Wow. It's like the Bad British Bake Off.

It's harder than it looks.

And that's saying something.

I can see that I'm going to have to have a go.

No, Mum. You know what you're like.

Erm, excuse me. I deliver babies for a living.

I think I can deliver a chocolate sponge.

And there'll be just as much screaming involved.

-Surprise!

-Oh, man alive!

Mike!

Hiya! Hiya! Sensory deprivation.

Clears the mind.

Fancy a go?

I'm getting rid of some stuff.

Your old toys?

What, even this?

Did Craig change much,

you know, when he turned into a teenager?

You're kidding?

One minute he's this happy little guy,

running around, eating worms, sticking things up his nose,

the next - BOOM - caveman.

Hardly came out of his room for a year.

He used to put his headphones on and howl

cos he thought that I couldn't hear him

because he had the (WHISTLES) on his ears!

The thing is,

if growing up was easy,

everyone would do it, Mills.

TOY SQUEAKS

You know how you're inviting some of your mates?

Well, I'm having some of mine as well.

Just the VIPs, otherwise there'd be way too many.

VIPs? What's that? Very Irritating People? Don't think so.

Millie doesn't want to share her special day with

a load of scruffy oiks in low-slung jeans.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

"Yo, yo, word up.

"Party at

"my place,

"people".

OK. Who's coming, what's happening, what should I wear?

Stop being so controlling. It's not your party.

Oh, well, it is your party, but it's a surprise.

I hate surprises.

Mum and Dad are still having two parties, you know?

Same day, just different times

and they're getting so competitive over it, it's not going to end well.

No. Remember the Shrek wars?

There you go, my wee ogre.

Two bowls of swamp gruel for you.

Why is our porridge green?

Has anyone seen my donkey?

Well, that's not an impression,

that's just you doing your normal voice in a costume.

Someone's a sore loser!

Yes, you are!

As usual, they went far too far.

OK, we need a plan. How about, cancelling my birthday?

-But then you'll be 12 for ever.

-Yeah, I know.

Let's get Mum and Dad to have a joint party.

Mum and Dad together? You sure that's such a hot idea?

Yeah, they'll be fine. They might freak out a bit when you tell them.

Me? Why do I have to tell them?

Well, I'm not meant to know what's happening, remember?

PHONE MESSAGE ALERT RINGS

Craig, you idiot!

What is this? You put an invitation online?

You get mates, I get mates.

You made the invite open, genius, now everyone for miles can come.

What? No, I didn't.

Oh!

Right, so we've got to stop them.

How?

A boy in my year once put out an open invitation.

His family are still living in a tent.

It's OK. We can just move the whole party to Dad's.

If there's no party here, no-one can come.

Ha! Sorted.

Wow! Mum, that's actually good!

Well, don't sound so surprised!

Sharon's not the only one that can bake.

And I'd like to see her deliver triplets in a mobile library.

Ooh, erm, I had some left over,

-so I made cupcakes!

-Ooh!

Yeah! Have that one.

Bon appetit!

Euch!

That is way too salty!

Did you put one and a half teaspoons in?

Yeah!

I guess I'll have to make the cake then?

Don't get carried away.

I'll make something special, something unforgettable!

Fran.

Remember when they had to carry out a controlled explosion

-on your science project?

-Surprise!

-Hi, Lauren, what's up?

-Kitchen, Dad! Go, go!

Make sure they listen to you.

OK, I know what I'm doing.

-Oh, Tony!

-Shaz.

What a lovely surprise! Well, what a surprise.

OK, listen up.

You guys are going to have to have Millie's parties together.

-Together?

-Together?

Oh, no, I don't think that's a very good idea.

But the crucial thing is, together at Dad's.

No, love. Mum's right, for once.

It's better if we have the parties apart.

Sort yourselves out! This is unacceptable!

You never gave me two birthday parties!

Oh, love, is this what this is all about?

Oh, emotions. I'd better go.

Let's just keep things as they are, eh?

Wait!

I know all about the surprise parties.

What? There's no surprise parties here!

How did you find that out?

I just did. But Lauren's right.

I only want one party so I don't have to go back and forth.

-And she wants it at Dad's!

-What? No, I don't!

Fine! It's your funeral!

Sorry if I ruined the surprise. It'll be better this way.

Ahem.

Whoa!

When did you come back as a zombie?

To help get you out of trouble.

Why,

when you spend most of your life trying to get me into trouble?

That's just the kind of caring person that I am.

But now, I'm going to totally own you.

Now video me.

SHE COUGHS

Sorry, the party's cancelled.

I've got, um, Itchy Mountain Fever.

It's rare and highly contagious and I wouldn't wish it on anyone,

so don't come, OK?

SHE COUGHS

Great, now maybe my sister's party

won't turn into some kind of freak show.

You have met your family, right?

13!

I don't look any different.

Where are my teenage spots?

No, actually, that's a good thing.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!

Happy birthday, sweetie!

You don't mind if I give you a hug?

What? Course not.

Ooh, you never know with teenagers.

No spots then!

-Come downstairs when you're ready, love.

-OK, Mum.

My first teenage decision.

What should I wear?

Oh, I love this outfit,

but maybe I've grown out of it?

Is it too babyish?

Nah!

There.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

This track is great,

but is it OK to like it?

And what will people think of my outfit?

It's probably best if I never say or do anything ever again.

That is amazing!

It's the Glasgow Tower. Tallest tower in the world.

-I don't think it is.

-Capable of rotating 360 degrees.

Watch.

It's ruined!

Oh, love. I tried to tell you about cake overreach.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Millie. Happy birthday.

-Having a good time?

-I'm worried about my party.

What party's that?

I know about the surprise, OK?

Oh, OK. So, what are you worried about?

I don't know what teen I'm meant to be?

13?

No. I mean what KIND.

Am I a screamer, a grunter?

It's OK for you, you're still 12.

I wish I was still 12.

It seems like only yesterday, when things were so simple.

It WAS yesterday.

And what's my look? Trendy? Indie?

Dragged through a hedgey?

Wear what you want. It's your birthday.

Come on Millie! I'm going to take you out shopping!

I've got to go. Bye!

Bye!

So you think this Itchy Mountain Fever is going to work?

It better or you're doomed.

Where is Itchy Mountain anyway?

Heya, hiya! Sharon's still out with the birthday girl.

Come in, T, Tony!

Quick! Where are we going to hide? We don't want her to see us.

Oh, no, it's all right, cos she...

He's been practising.

Why don't we hide down here?

Surprise?

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, yes, surprise!

Only my family would fake a surprise party.

Wow. I had no clue.

Ha! Got you fooled.

Well, someone was.

-Right. Let's get this party started.

-Come on. In the kitchen.

Someone got dressed in the dark

with their eyes closed.

I actually think it's pretty on point.

It's her own, like, look.

That's mine, by the way.

Someone's not holding the sharing stick.

LOUD POP MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my two teenage girls.

Boys'll start asking for your digits.

-And everything I'll say will be embarrassing.

-Mum stop it!

You're being embarrassing.

That's my teenage girl! Happy birthday, love.

Lauren said it's what you wanted.

Look, bronzing pearls!

Like throwing fresh meat to a lion.

Thanks, Mum. For MY present.

DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

-I'll get it!

Don't open that!

It's the party animals who are so crazed

they don't care what lurgy they catch!

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Heya! Hi! Hi!

ALL: Hi!

I'm Craig.

I'm the DJ.

Sounds in the lounge.

Nibbles?

Oh, you don't need that, love. You're beautiful as you are.

Dad, balloon animals? Seriously?

Don't kid me you're too grown-up.

I know you love it.

That's a giraffe?

Use your imagination.

Right, what can I do for you young lady?

Snake? Eel?

-Worm?

-Duck-billed platypus?

Ouch.

You bought it from a shop?

I didn't have a choice, did I?

Mess the icing up a bit. No-one will ever know.

Who's for Pass the Parcel?

Don't blame me. I tried for horse riding.

CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS

I'll go get Dopey Rascal to turn it down, yeah?

Don't worry, love. They can all join in!

What?

-Dad!

-Come on. Big crowd.

-Dad!

Excuse me! Thank you.

OK, sonny, something upbeat, no vocals, on and off at my signal, OK?

Right, gather round for pass the parcel!

Yes!

Stop him he's being so embarrassing. Stop him!

That's it ladies and gents. Settle yourselves down. Good.

What do you think you're doing?

It's called pass the parcel. Oh, yeah. I'm on it!

OK, sonny.

THE BIRDIE SONG PLAYS

They're a bit old for this, aren't they?

Nonsense. You're never too old for pass the parcel.

Stop!

Yes! Yes! Ha ha ha-ha!

I told you.

There you are! It's time for cake!

And then, bumps!

And the nightmare continues.

Three, two, one...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

ALL: Happy birthday.

Amber made you a cake this year. Looks good, eh?

Very professional.

Mm. That is yummy.

Anyway, moving on.

Chocapocalypse is cracking, but I think this one's even better.

Yes, well, it is one of our best sellers at Sunnyshopper.

Amber made that cake.

Yeah, and I'm still 21.

Well, just cos it's not one of yours.

-You have to run the changes sometimes.

-Oh, what like you?

-Tony.

-With your balloons?

-At least that was fun.

Let's keep it light and bubbly, shall we?

Remember a frown is just a smile upside down?

Really? Is that so?

Right, well, come on, my lot, we're going.

Oh, that's typical. Just walk out.

Stop it! Stop arguing!

Maybe if you'd talked about it before, my party wouldn't

have been this weird mashup between the Kardashians and the Clangers!

And did anyone think to ask me what I wanted?

Well, what do you want, love?

I don't know!

BOTH: Teenager.

I can't believe I just did that.

I guess now I know what kind of teenager I am.

The horrible, spoilt kind that disses her own party.

What a disaster.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

I'm sorry.

You did so much for me.

No, love, it was our fault.

I just didn't want your party to be old-fashioned.

Oh, and I did?

Why do you want her to grow up so fast?

All those clothes and make-up?

But she is changing! It's like Lauren.

One minute it's bunny ears, the next it's panda eyes!

Look, maybe I am a bit old for balloon animals,

but also a bit young for disco fever?

Sorry I ruined the party.

It wasn't you, Millie.

Couldn't we have one more go?

Maybe, give us a few clues?

Well,

OK.

OK. I sent my friends home.

Good! Now it's time for MY party.

Play this DJ.

Hey what's on this?

Never mind, it's all brill.

And I'm really hungry.

I could send out for pizza?

Tony, that's the smartest thing I've heard all day.

And...

take it away Jake!

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERS

Go on, son.

It's a proper nice one. I told Mum which one to get.

So, can I borrow it?

-No.

-Thank you.

So, what did Dad get you?

Seriously? Is he joking?

I know, right?

So cute though!

They'll never mix, will they, Mum and Dad?

Nah.

They're like oil and water. You can shake them about a bit

but they'll separate out again.

Oh, actually.

There you go.

A selfie stick! Thanks!

Whatevs. Welcome to the club, teenager.

So that's that!

I'm 13.

And maybe I don't know it all just yet,

but I think when I'm 14, I definitely will!

-Night, Mill!

-Night, Lauren!