Episode 1 Ministry Of Curious Stuff


Episode 1

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Transcript


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TELEPHONE RINGS

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Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

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we seek to answer any question you may ask.

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No question is too ridiculous.

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On call are our highly curious researchers, Lovett,

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Wannamaker, Frazernagle, Tea Party and of course Captain Lengthwidth.

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The ministry is a thinking facility that helps us

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to find you an answer.

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TANNOY: 'The working day will commence in 10 seconds.

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'Don't be late.

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'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

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Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff!

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-Morning, everybody!

-Good morning.

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-Good morning, Mr Reeves!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves!

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-Good morning, Mr Reeves!

-What a marvellous day.

-Quiet, Reeves.

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Now, look here, I'm going to do some practising for Britain's Got Talent.

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-I can't get involved this morning.

-You carry on.

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Far too much to do on the ledger. Just doing the accounts.

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HE PLAYS

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Now, look here! I made it very clear that I'm doing accounts.

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Now, you look here! Look here!

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HE PLAYS

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-Now, look here! Look here.

-Look here.

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I'm trying here, I'm trying to do my work.

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You can go practise anywhere else in the ministry. Look here!

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You look here! Get on with your work and I'll get on with mine.

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-You look here.

-You look here.

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HE PLAYS

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Mr Frazernagle, could you put the first call through, please?

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-There's a call coming through on line four, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you.

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Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

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how might I help you?

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Hi, this is Tatty.

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I was just wondering, will dinosaurs ever come back?

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Thank you, Tatty, what a very good question.

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I shall make every endeavour to find out. Thank you. Goodbye!

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Tatty wants to know, will dinosaurs ever come back?

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Let's ask an expert.

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Mum, wake up.

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Now then, if dinosaurs came back,

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do you think they'd be able to fit into society,

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and man and dinosaur live together in perfect harmony?

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-Do you think that could happen?

-Never mind that.

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Are you wearing your Tweety Pie underpants?

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-I left them in a jim-jam bag.

-Shh! Not in front of the staff!

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If you must know, I'm wearing the Iron Man underpants.

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Well, I didn't iron those, son! Now, what do you want for your tea?

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Thank you to that expert. (Just ketchup, please. Thanks.)

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Now then, I tell you what would be good.

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If we could talk to a real, live dinosaur.

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There's something prehistoric coming through G1, Mr Reeves.

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'Dinosaur loading in G1.'

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Hello! And who's this coming out of the door?

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What's your name, sir?

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Well, my name is Craig, I'm 21 from Chipping Sodbury,

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and if you hadn't guessed yet, I'm a dinosaur.

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Well, thank you, Craig, we had guessed you were a dinosaur.

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What we're going to do is see how you, as a dinosaur,

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fit into modern society.

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-How are you with that, Craig?

-Well, I'm a little nervous, to be honest.

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Never mind, don't be nervous. Three very simple tasks,

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starting with the first task.

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It's a task we all perform every day, it's peeling the banana!

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That's right, just an ordinary, everyday banana.

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I really do enjoy performing this task.

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I should point out that that's just a standard banana,

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no smoke, no mirrors, just a standard banana from Tel Aviv.

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Here we go with the standard banana.

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-See the nerves, there.

-Really struggling.

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Really struggling with this task.

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Really trying - those arms are really quite pathetic, aren't they?

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-Does anybody know why they're so small?

-Nobody knows.

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Ah, there we are! Fail on the first task.

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Hard luck there, Craig, hard cheese indeed.

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Moving onto the second task, it's a punch ball.

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That's right, this is just a regular, everyday punchball on loan

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from Kawowski's gym in the high street, where champions are made.

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-Micki Kawowski's gym, yeah. Are you ready, Craig?

-As I'll ever be.

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What we want you to do is simply punch the punchball.

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Off you go, Craig, in your own time. Getting ready.

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-Nice little useless claws.

-Got to get Craig...

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That's his first attempt.

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-That's pathetic.

-Come on, Craig!

-Give it a punch.

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Take a swing, take a swing.

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Ohh! So sad.

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Now then, Craig, not doing too well up to now,

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but we're going to finish off with a standard task which

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we all perform in modern society every day.

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And that task, Craig, is touching your toes.

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How do you think you're going to do, Craig?

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-Let's find out, shall we?

-Let's find out.

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-We're rooting for you, Craig.

-Thank you.

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I should point out that while Craig steadies himself,

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Craig is an Aries, his hobbies include looking out the window

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and going for walks, and hip-hop.

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Let's see how he gets on with this task of touching the toes.

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Touch your toes, Craig!

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CRACK!

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-Oh, my back!

-Oh, I felt that. Craig, you all right?

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-Oh, I'm in a lot of pain, actually.

-OK. Well, well done to Craig there.

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-Off you go, Craig.

-All right, everyone.

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-Thank you, I've had a really lovely day.

-Good, thank you very much.

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Craig the dinosaur, there!

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Mr Reeves, please get on with the question.

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All right, all right, all right! Who rattled your cage?

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Back to Tatty's question - will dinosaurs ever come back?

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Well, here's a curious fact for you, Mr Reeves.

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-Did you know there is such a thing as a frozen zoo?

-I didn't.

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Welcome to the amazing frozen zoo in San Diego!

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Here we keep over 800 examples of endangered animals,

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all frozen to prevent their extinction.

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CROWD: Oooh!

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Or, more accurately, their DNA in some test tubes!

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GROANING

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Oh, don't be like that. DNA is really exciting and cool. Look!

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Hey, kids, I'm Danny DNA.

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I'm a kind of biological recipe for making animals.

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So, in the future, if any become extinct, we can make copies of them!

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Wahey!

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-Get on with it!

-Where are all the animals?

-Ahem.

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Actually, that is quite boring.

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Can you do an impression or something, just to keep us going?

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Why, sure I can! "Grrr, I'm a big bear, dangerous and endangered.

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"Grrr!"

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No? OK, hold on. "Coo-coo, I'm a rare and beautiful bird. Coo-coo!"

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Oh, who am I kidding? Come back in 30 years. Bring your kids!

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So they've started freezing

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the DNA of animals so they can bring them back in the future.

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No big deal - I've been doing that for ages.

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-In fact, I've got a frozen zoo. Do you want to see?

-Oh, I'd love to.

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Want to see my animals? I'll show you.

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-Anyone want to see my frozen animals?

-Of course!

-Yes!

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Yes, have a look at this. In here, very exciting. Where've they gone?

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Has anyone seen my frozen zoo?

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No, nobody's seen your frozen zoo, nobody's seen it. Calm down.

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Where did you get that oversized ice from in your stupid drink?

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-I got it out the freezer.

-This one?

-Yeah, the Vic's Frozen Zoo freezer.

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The Vic's Frozen Zoo freezer. Yes, and what's this?

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-You've defrosted my rare and extinct bumfluffowl!

-You know,

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I though I could taste a bit of bumfluffery in there.

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Do you know what you are, Captain Lengthwidth?

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-You're a great, heaving, steaming pile of manure.

-I heard that rumour.

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I started it. Right, come on, let's get back to the question.

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Tatty wants to know, will dinosaurs ever come back?

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Well, Mr Reeves, I'm not sure you'd want to bring back dinosaurs.

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Why ever not, darling?

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If dinosaurs were to come back, there'd be a lot fewer people.

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Some dinosaurs are huge, meat-eating monsters.

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It says here a T-Rex could crush a car or eat your granny.

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Ooh, well, I hope they don't come back,

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-because I quite like my granny!

-Wait! I have the answer here!

-What?!

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It says dinosaurs CAN come back!

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THEY SCREAM

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-Wait, wait, wait. Silly me. It says here they can't.

-Oh.

-Phew!

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There are no animals around today closely related enough to dinosaurs

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that we might have suitable DNA to create a dino clone.

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-So, thankfully, he's right.

-Very good. OK.

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Miss Tea Party,

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please get that information off to Tatty

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as quickly as possibly possible, if that's at all possible.

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-Right away, Mr Reeves.

-TANNOY: 'Attention, attention.

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'Flying Postal Services entering the ministry.'

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'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.'

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'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.'

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'Please stand back.

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'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'

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'Postal services departing. Stand clear.

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'Post will be delivered in approximately two minutes

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'and 32 seconds.'

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'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

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Right, come on, let's have another question.

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Of course, Mr Reeves, I've got another call on line three.

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Good, thank you.

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Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

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How might I help you?

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Hi, my name's Leo, and my question is,

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can an animal ever be a superhero?

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Very good question, Leo, very good indeed.

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I'll do my best to answer it. Goodbye.

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Leo wants to know, can animals ever be superheroes?

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Oh, I have a curious fact here, Mr Reeves.

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Cockroaches have a superpower.

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In fact, they're super tough.

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They can survive for four weeks without a head!

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It says here that they're almost invincible -

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they're said to be the only animal that could survive a nuclear bomb.

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Invincible, yeah! Yeah, invincible. Do you know what?

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Those cockroaches, as they call themselves,

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they come around, hanging around in my back yard,

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acting like the tough guy, chest puffed out like a have-a-go hero,

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munching on crisps like they own the place.

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-They think they're so cool and trendy and all that.

-Don't they just?

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-You know, watch me, see my moves?

-Yeah, they're idiots.

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Yeah, they are idiots. You know what?

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-I could have a cockroach like that.

-Yeah, me too, just like that.

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Take it out.

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Excuse me, could you direct me to the nearest information centre?

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Ahh! Eeeh! It's a cockroach!

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-Give him your wallet.

-Yeah, yeah, take my wallet!

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It's got nearly £7 in it, but just don't hit my face!

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It's my fortune.

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Under the desk - get under.

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Have a look, see if it's gone. Has it gone yet?

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It's gone, it's gone, it's gone, chill out.

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-Lengthwidth, you're just a big baby.

-What?

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I saw the way you acted, you were like a big baby,

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-scared of a cockroach.

-No, I was just doing what you were doing.

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-You weren't doing what I was doing.

-You were hiding under the desk,

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-I was just doing what you were doing!

-Yeah, whatever!

-Whatever!

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-Whatever.

-Whatever.

-Whatever.

-Whatever.

-Whatever.

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-Are you two quite finished?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Oh, just one more thing.

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-Yeah, what? Whatever!

-Whatever!

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Right, come on, let's answer this question.

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Leo wants to know, can an animal be a superhero?

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Well, Mr Reeves, ants seem to be really super.

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Ant can lift 20 times its own bodyweight.

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That's the same as you being able to lift a car with five people in it.

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Yeah, looks like you've got a problem with your exhaust, mate.

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Going to take all week to get the parts.

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If the same size as a man, it could run as fast as a racehorse.

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Good afternoon. Lovely day for it.

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And the ant has the biggest brain of all insects.

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In fact, a colony of ants has collectively

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the same-size brain as a human.

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-Ooh, I never knew that.

-Well, I did.

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Well, who'd have thought that the humble ant could do that?

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But we need more facts. Can animals be superheroes?

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Well, Mr Reeves, have you heard about the mind-control wasp?

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A what what what?

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# A what what what?

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BOTH: # A what what what what what what what

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# What whadiddly what

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# Whadiddlyodiddlyat what

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# What a lovely hot pot

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# What what! #

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-Not a hot pot. A wasp.

-A wasp?

-A mind-control wasp.

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They come from Costa Rica

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and they can actually control the minds of spiders.

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The baby wasp, or larva, will attack a spider

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and take control of its brain.

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Hmm, and what happens next?

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Well, it makes the spider stop building its normal web,

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and instead build a little cocoon for the baby wasp to grow in.

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-It is amazing, Mr Reeves.

-It is amazing.

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-And not only is it amazing - it's curious.

-Brace yourselves!

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Stations, everyone!

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Hello, little fella. What's it like being a mind-control wasp?

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-Look into my eyes.

-I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

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I said, look into my eyes.

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-All right, then.

-You are feeling sleepy.

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I am the master, and you are completely under my control. Say it!

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"I am the master and you are completely under my control."

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-No, you're under MY control.

-All right. What you said.

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You will do everything I say.

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When you hear this piece of music, you'll do a mystical little dance.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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-Yes.

-And when I click my fingers,

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you will completely forget this conversation ever took place.

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-Yes.

-Good.

-So, what's it like being a mind-control wasp?

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Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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We can probably safely say that animals can be superheroes.

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We've heard about super tough cockroaches,

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we've heard about ants with super strength,

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but I'm not sure I really believe in this hypno-wasp business.

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Don't believe it.

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Can you get those facts off as quickly as possible, please,

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-Miss Tea Party?

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you.

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'Flying Postal Services has arrived.

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'Post prepared for postal personnel.

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'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.

0:15:520:15:56

'Your number one aerial courier.'

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Fly away, fluttering delivery girl.

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Well, it's been quite a fabulous day up till now, very very productive.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Erm... How did I...?

0:16:230:16:26

Right, OK! Um...

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Right, come on, let's crack on. Mr Frazernagle, anyone on the lines?

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Yeah, one last call coming through, Mr Reeves.

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I'll connect you straight away.

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(POSH ACCENT) Hello, this is Vic Reeves here

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at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

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How may I-I-I be of assistance to you?

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My name's Jeremy, and my question is,

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will robots ever take over the world?

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Oh... Thank you, Jeremy.

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Jeremy wants to know, will robots ever take over the world?

0:16:540:16:58

Mr Reeves, I've got something coming through G1.

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'Zoltan loading in G1.'

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Ah, hello...

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I am Zoltan the Magnificent, Zoltan the Incredible,

0:17:100:17:14

Zoltan the Indesctructible.

0:17:140:17:17

-Didn't quite catch your name, son.

-It's Zoltan.

-Right, good.

0:17:170:17:20

So, Zoltan, you want to take over the world.

0:17:200:17:23

That's it, you... That's right, you've got it in one.

0:17:230:17:26

Right. And when you take over the world, what are your plans?

0:17:260:17:31

Well, I shall ensure buses run on time,

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I will fill in the potholes in Basildon High Street,

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and I will introduce free hearing tests

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for the elderly and children and Tracy Beaker.

0:17:390:17:42

-So what else would you...

-Silence! Silence, I haven't finished.

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I will put in a high-speed rail link between Chester and Crewe,

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and I will put up a massive statue in honour of Tracy Beaker.

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-Right...

-Silence!

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And then I will make underground pipes for hedgehogs

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under the motorway, M6 between junctions 3 and 17,

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and I will oversee the annihilation of all feeble human life,

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-apart from Tracy Beaker.

-You really like Tracy Beaker, then.

0:18:070:18:10

She's all right, yeah. I can take her or leave her, really.

0:18:100:18:13

-So, you wouldn't want to meet her.

-Oh, no, I would like to meet her.

0:18:130:18:17

-That is something I'd really like to do.

-I thought so!

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It's you, Lengthwidth, you're just a robotic fraud,

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-a robotic fake...

-DESCENDS INTO GROWLING

0:18:240:18:27

Learn to take a joke, will you?

0:18:270:18:29

-I'm just mucking about.

-Yeah, well, sometimes you muck about too much.

0:18:290:18:34

You know what you are? You're about as much use as...

0:18:340:18:37

a bicycle, but without handlebars, just a Cumberland sausage there,

0:18:370:18:41

which is rubbish for steering with.

0:18:410:18:43

Now get back into your position!

0:18:430:18:45

-Get back there!

-Do I still get to meet Tracy Beaker?

-No, you do not!

0:18:450:18:48

-Get back into your position.

-Just asking!

-Back there! Back there!

0:18:480:18:51

-Back there! On your chair! On your chair!

-I can't...

0:18:510:18:54

-Not on the bike, on the chair!

-Cos I'm still half Zoltan.

-On your chair!

0:18:540:18:58

Right, come on, then.

0:18:580:19:00

Let's answer this question - will robots ever take over the world?

0:19:000:19:04

Here's a curious fact, Mr Reeves. There's a robot hall of fame.

0:19:040:19:08

-Mm, tell me more.

-It's in America, and honours all kinds of robots.

0:19:080:19:12

They include C3P0 and R2-D2 from Star Wars,

0:19:120:19:15

-and Commander Data from Star Trek.

-Well, coincidentally,

0:19:150:19:19

that's a coincidence, because my good friend Captain Lengthwidth

0:19:190:19:23

has also opened up a robot hall of fame. Isn't that right?

0:19:230:19:27

-That's exactly right.

-I'm very excited.

-Yes.

0:19:270:19:30

-Is that it there?

-There it is.

0:19:300:19:32

-There it is. Do you want to have a look?

-Yeah.

0:19:320:19:35

-Well, that'll cost you a pound.

-Just knock it off what you owe me.

-OK.

0:19:350:19:39

So, welcome, then, to Captain Lengthwidth's Robot Hall of Fame.

0:19:390:19:43

First up, we have this incredible robot.

0:19:430:19:47

Calco-Man.

0:19:470:19:48

And borne of mutant microwave parents,

0:19:480:19:52

he can do any mathematical sum, he's a genius. Like two plus two.

0:19:520:19:57

-Equals...

-Four!

0:19:570:19:59

-Four! Equals four.

-Yeah.

0:19:590:20:02

-That's just a calculator.

-Yes.

0:20:020:20:03

And then, take a look at this.

0:20:030:20:07

-What's that, then?

-The Incredible Grater.

0:20:070:20:10

He... He's one tough cookie.

0:20:100:20:12

Don't get too close, because he'll shred you to pieces.

0:20:120:20:16

He's a nasty piece of work.

0:20:160:20:18

-He's evil.

-It's a cheesegrater!

0:20:180:20:21

Yes.

0:20:210:20:22

And finally, have a look at this.

0:20:220:20:26

Cumbo-Tron 4000.

0:20:260:20:28

And this is a time-travelling cucumber, and if you look here,

0:20:280:20:33

he's just gone back in time to 1.15pm.

0:20:330:20:36

Yeah, I can guess what you're going to do.

0:20:360:20:38

It's a cucumber with some tin foil and a wristwatch round it.

0:20:380:20:41

(Yes.)

0:20:410:20:43

Captain Lengthwidth, these robots are rubbish,

0:20:430:20:48

and do you know what I do with rubbish?

0:20:480:20:50

I stamp on it.

0:20:500:20:53

So you don't like them, then?

0:20:580:21:00

No, they are rubbish.

0:21:000:21:02

Now clear up this mess or I will have you arrested by Robocop!

0:21:020:21:06

-Doing my head in, you.

-Right, come on, let's get on with it.

0:21:060:21:10

We've got to answer Jeremy's question -

0:21:100:21:12

will robots ever take over the world?

0:21:120:21:14

Ooh, Mr Reeves, you might not know that there's a home assistant robot.

0:21:140:21:18

'Do you need help around the home?

0:21:200:21:23

'Then what you need is the Home Assistant Robot.

0:21:230:21:26

'Made to Japanese design specifications,

0:21:260:21:28

'it will deal with all your jobs.

0:21:280:21:32

'Using five cameras, six lasers and three fingers on each hand,

0:21:320:21:36

'it can do your laundry, wash your dishes and put them away.

0:21:360:21:39

'It can open and close doors and mop the floors.

0:21:390:21:42

'It really can do everything.

0:21:420:21:44

'Oh, yeah. Batteries not included.'

0:21:460:21:49

Hang on, the robot's meant to do that, but it runs on batteries?

0:21:510:21:55

Yes, unfortunately, the battery only lasts about 30 minutes.

0:21:550:21:59

After that, you have to recharge it.

0:21:590:22:02

-Sounds like Captain Lengthwidth.

-LAUGHS

0:22:020:22:05

Well, I have something here, Mr Reeves.

0:22:080:22:11

-It's a curious fact about one of the first ever robots...

-Yeah?

0:22:110:22:15

..but, er, it got lost, so he won't be taking over the world, will he?

0:22:150:22:18

-He got lost?

-Mm.

0:22:180:22:20

Yes, Mr Reeves. It was made in Japan in 1929,

0:22:200:22:24

and was considered very impressive for its time.

0:22:240:22:27

-What did it do?

-Well, Mr Reeves, it could do loads.

0:22:270:22:30

It could move its head and hands, change its facial expression,

0:22:300:22:34

and even write words with a pen.

0:22:340:22:36

But unfortunately,

0:22:360:22:37

he was lost somewhere in Germany during the 1930s,

0:22:370:22:40

and never seen again. It's very sad, isn't it?

0:22:400:22:44

It is sad, but I think...

0:22:440:22:46

I think I've seen this robot around here somewhere.

0:22:460:22:48

Something loading in H28, Mr Reeves, up there!

0:22:480:22:51

THEME FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

0:22:520:22:56

Wow.

0:22:560:22:58

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

0:23:130:23:15

Erm, so, what's the answer, then? Will robots take over the world?

0:23:230:23:26

At the moment, no, because humans still need to design

0:23:260:23:30

and programme them and tell them what to do, etc.

0:23:300:23:32

Good. All right. There's our answer.

0:23:320:23:34

(ROBOTIC VOICE) Get those findings off to Jeremy

0:23:340:23:37

as quickly as you can, Miss Tea Party!

0:23:370:23:39

-(ROBOTIC VOICE) Right away, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you!

0:23:390:23:42

BELL

0:23:420:23:43

'Attention, Ministry. The working day is over.'

0:23:430:23:47

Well, what a fantastic day it's been.

0:23:470:23:49

It's been an absolutely knockout day, really, hasn't it? Marvellous.

0:23:490:23:53

Been a great day. One of the top three days of all time.

0:23:530:23:56

Really? I feel that way as well.

0:23:560:23:57

-Don't forget a day like this, you know?

-Won't ever in the future.

0:23:570:24:01

Cos when the hard times come, you'll want to remember this.

0:24:010:24:04

-Put a little smile on your face.

-Yeah.

0:24:040:24:06

-TANNOY: 'Reassessing Curious Stuff.'

-'So what have we discovered today?

0:24:060:24:10

'Tatty wanted to know if dinosaurs would ever come back.

0:24:100:24:12

'And we discovered

0:24:120:24:14

a frozen zoo which stores DNA so we can clone animals.

0:24:140:24:17

You've defrosted my bumfluffowl!

0:24:170:24:20

'But we can't clone dinosaurs, so the answer to Tatty's question is,

0:24:200:24:23

'dinosaurs aren't coming back.

0:24:230:24:25

Aaaaaw! So sad!

0:24:250:24:27

'Leo asked if animals could be superheroes.

0:24:270:24:29

'Through research, we found ants have superstrength,

0:24:290:24:32

'cockroaches can survive for four weeks without a head,

0:24:320:24:35

'and some wasps can control minds.'

0:24:350:24:38

I am your master!

0:24:380:24:39

'So, yes, Leo, animals do have superhero-like powers.

0:24:390:24:43

'Jeremy asked if robots will ever take over the world.

0:24:430:24:46

'We discovered a robot that can do your chores.

0:24:460:24:49

'There's a robot hall of fame,

0:24:490:24:51

'but the oldest Japanese robot isn't in there.

0:24:510:24:54

'He went missing. Or did he?'

0:24:540:24:57

So, Jeremy, robots may be clever, but they won't take over the world,

0:24:570:25:00

as they still need humans to programme them.

0:25:000:25:03

-Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye, team.

-Bye-bye.

0:25:030:25:05

TANNOY: 'End of the day.

0:25:050:25:06

-'Transportation for Mr Reeves has arrived.'

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

0:25:060:25:10

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

0:25:100:25:15

Stand back, everyone!

0:25:150:25:16

I'm going home for me tea.

0:25:190:25:22

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:25:470:25:49

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