Episode 2 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

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PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call are our highly-curious researchers.

Lovett, Wannamaker, Frazernagle, Teaparty

and of course, Captain Length-Width.

The Ministry is a thinking facility that helps US to find YOU an answer.

-TANNOY:

-The working day will commence in ten seconds.

Don't be late.

Attention, Mr Reeves is entering the building.

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-Morning, everybody!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-How are we today? Well, I trust.

-And you, Length-Width?

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-What is that?!

-It's my T rex.

-I can see what it is.

What are you doing with it?

I'm just making him ready for the Royal Palaeontology Society

where I am giving a lecture on T rexs next week, thank you.

You can't show that at the Royal Palaeontology Society.

And why not, pray?

Because this is T rex!

-Tyrannosaurus rex - the king of the lizards.

-Yes.

-The king of dinosaurs.

-Yes.

They didn't have a little cape on them like that.

They had a huge, voluminous cape.

Yes, but this one shrunk in the wash. What's a man to do?

I washed it on 85 and look at it now!

You'll be the laughing stock of the Palaeontology Society.

-You are aware of that?

-But there's nothing I can do!

-Where's his crown?

-I sold it on Cash In The Attic.

-How much did you get for it?

-30 quid.

-What did you spend that on?

-Golf clubs.

-Nice.

Mr Frazernagle, can we have the first call?

-Call coming through, Mr Reeves. Line two!

-Cheers, Nagles.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the M-M-M-Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I help you?

Hello, this is Nerina. Can I ask you a question?

Do unicorns exist?

Very good question. Thank you, Nerina.

Thank you for your enquiry. Goodbye.

Nerina wants to know - do unicorns exist?

Captain Length-Width,

I reckon you and I could catch a unicorn. What do you say?

-Hold on one minute.

-Do we have A-NNETTE?

-Who's Annette?

She's the unicorn-catching woman in my mystical magazine.

Well, I've not heard of her.

I'm not sure. I think we need another method.

-How about using MIKE LUB?

-Well, is Mike available?

Actually, no. Mike's up in the North Country catching sea serpents.

-I'll give him a bell.

-Give him a call. Sound him out.

-See if he's got a window.

-OK.

Although, I don't see what's so special about these unicorns.

It's just a horse with a horn.

Well, this is very interesting, Mr Reeves.

It says here that unicorns are special creatures

which symbolise grace and purity.

They can only be caught by good, honest people

and I happen to think that they are amazing.

-But are they real?

-Well, Mr Reeves, did you know that, curiously,

in the 1930s, there was a Chinese farmer called Wang.

-Mr Wang, hot dang!

-Now, there's a thang.

-But did this Wang own a unicorn?

-Not quite, Mr Reeves.

Wang had a 14-inch spike sticking out the back of his head

which earned him the name The Human Unicorn.

A human unicorn - there's a thang.

-Extraordinary.

-Stand by, Mr Reeves, in X5 down there, all right?

-TANNOY:

-Wang loading in X5.

-CHEESY AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Say, you must be Mr Wang, The Human Unicorn.

Say, what's it like having a 14-inch horn in the back of your head?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-It's so uncool. It looks ridiculous.

I feel stupid and I get a freezing head in the winter

because I can't wear hats.

I just don't know what to do about it.

Hey, Mr Wang, worry no more.

Here's Captain Length-Width with something you might like.

Don't beat yourself up, sweetheart. Try this on for size.

-No more parky prongs.

-Thanks, boys.

This is stylish yet practical.

Here's something else. Captain, what have we got?

I got something to stick on here. How about that?

It's a big boy doughnut.

-Wow! I had no idea that my horn had so many uses.

-And that's not all!

-For the finishing touch...

-The final piece of the jigsaw...

I don't believe it!

Not only do I look visually gorgeous,

but I also have a new vocation for my horn and subsequently,

a new career selling doughnuts.

Doughnuts - the cake that's full of laughter.

Thanks, boys.

This has been the happiest day of my pathetic little life.

Touch, touch, double touch! See you in the future.

Bye!

-Give yourself permission to shine.

-Bye-bye, baby. Bye-bye.

-BACK TO NORMAL:

-Come on. Snap out of it! Snap out of it! Snap out of it!

-Snap out of it.

-OK.

-Listen, this isn't doing us any good.

We need to find out the truth about the real horse-based,

four-legged unicorns.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Get to it.

Mr Reeves, here's a very curious fact.

Did you know the Roman Emperor Julius Caesar

reported seeing a real unicorn and wrote about it in his diary?

-Did he?

-Oh, yes. He said... Erm, where is it?

"An ox-shaped stag from the middle of whose forehead between the ears

"stands forth a single horn taller than the horns we know."

Wait a minute. An ox with a horn?

Sounds to me a little bit like a rhino. Just saying.

Mr Reeves, something's coming through E11 round there.

-TANNOY:

-Julius Caesar loading in E11.

Oh, my days! Look! A unicorn!

-That's a rhino, sir.

-Why give me jokes? I saw a unicorn.

Oh, my gosh! Look, that is unbelievable. A walking tree!

-No, that's a giraffe, sir.

-Is it, though? That is well bad.

Right, at the moment, we've seen no unicorns.

Mr Frazernagle, perhaps you could please furnish me with some facts.

Well, Mr Reeves, here's a curious little fact.

Queen Elizabeth I supposedly owned a unicorn horn.

Queen Elizabeth I was presented

with what she believed to be a unicorn horn.

-What is it?

-'Tis a unicorn horn, Your Highness.

-Oh, that's well good.

-I've always wanted one of those.

-It was known as the Horn of Windsor.

Nice.

The horn was listed among Elizabeth's crown jewels and valued at £10,000.

That's more than £10 million in today's money.

Whoa! That is, like, a lot of cash.

Captain Frobisher, who gave her the horn,

claimed it was from a unicorn of the sea,

but it has since transpired that the horn was actually a tusk

belonging to a narwhal.

-I'll have that, thank you.

-Bothered?

Well, that's incredible. I never knew that. But then again, who did?

Right, we need to answer Nerina's question.

Actually, Mr Reeves, there's no evidence that unicorns ever existed.

There we are.

No real proof that unicorns ever existed. But you know what?

You never know what's round the corner, so keep them peeled.

Get that information off as soon as you possibly can, Miss Teaparty.

Right away, Mr Reeves.

-TANNOY:

-Flying Postal Services entering the Ministry.

Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.

Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

Please stand back.

Postal Service reaching its destination in three, two, one.

Postal Services departing. Stand clear.

Post will be delivered in

approximately 2 minutes and 32 seconds.

Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.

Withdraw, my soaring envoy of the atmosphere.

Right, Frazernagle, who's on the lines?

There's a call on line three. I'll put you through now.

Oh, good. My favourite line.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves of the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I help you?

Hi, Mr Reeves. This is Fathiah.

I just wanted to know what animal has 1,000 eyes?

Very good question, Fathiah. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Yes, goodbye. Yes, goodbye. Yes, goodbye.

Fathiah wants to know what creature has 1,000 eyes?

Very good question.

-Captain Length-Width?

-Yes?

You have the kind of eyes that could drive a man to despair,

penetrate his very soul and turn him to dust.

Yes, that's what my optician said.

-Really?

-He said there's no prescription,

the situation just has to be managed.

-W-a-a-a-h!

-Sorry. So sorry.

-Let's get on with this question.

What creature has 1,000 eyes?

Did you know, Mr Reeves,

frogs use their eyes for more than just seeing?

-What, they use them for looking, as well?

-BOTH: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Right at the top of his game.

It will come as no surprise that normal frogs eat quite normally.

Pass the salt, dear.

However, the giant frog has a slightly different approach

to eating meals.

Mmm, yummy!

Yes, that's right. He eats with his eyes.

Well, that's amazing.

So, it just smacks its head into its food and eats through its eyes.

It doesn't actually work like that, Mr Reeves.

You see, the frog uses his eyes to push food down

into his froggy stomach. It's a way of swallowing.

I get that. Let's crack on with this question.

-We need to find a thousand-eyed creature.

-Here's a curious eye fact.

-Did you know, all people with blue eyes are related?

-Rubbish.

It's not, Mr Reeves. Experts think everyone who has blue eyes

have one common ancestor who lived around 10,000 years ago,

which would make all blue-eyed people related.

Well, I'm not having that. I've got blue eyes.

-So have I.

-Yes, so has he.

And there's no way,

there's no way, that I'm related to that sausage-faced fool.

-Hey! Now, that's enough.

-Now, you look here.

-No, you look here.

-No, you look here.

-No, I won't look here.

OK, let's not settle this dispute in the privacy of our own home.

-Let's do it like any decent person.

-In public on national television.

-BOTH: On The Jeremy Kyle Show.

-No, Mr Reeves! Don't!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to The Jeremy Kyle Show. I'm Jeremy Kyle.

Today, on The Jeremy Kyle Show, I'm Jeremy Kyle. Jeremy Kyle.

Are you saying that YOU are not related to him?

That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

-Rubbish.

-Oh, shut up!

-You shut up!

-Boo!

-You come on here thinking you're the big man,

but, sunshine, you're a nobody.

-Yeah, you're a nobody.

-You're a nobody.

-You're a nobody.

-Shut up!

-Yeah, shut up!

-Shut up, you.

And how will you feel when you find out that not only

is he your brother, but also, he's been stealing your shoes.

-Eh?

-And been taking long country walks with your wife.

-What?

I can't believe it. That is shocking.

-I have not been out with his wife!

-I knew it! I knew it!

-You're not even married!

-Come back!

Shut up! Sit down!

-He's not even married.

-That's neither here nor there.

Do you know what? I'm here to help you.

I've got people that'll help you, but you have to want it.

-OK?

-Yeah.

-All right?

-I do want it.

-They will help you.

I don't care about you two, actually.

I DO care about the kids. Let's get the DNA results. I'm Jeremy Kyle.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Results show that you...

..Anthony...

Hang on a minute. I'm not Anthony.

-What?

-I'm not Anthony.

-Who then?

-Vic Reeves from the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

I'm not Anthony.

Oh, right. OK.

-What's happened?

-You're the wrong...

-Wrong couple?

-The wrong couple, yeah.

-On the wrong show.

-Come on, boys.

-Bit embarrassing, isn't it?

-Yeah, a little embarrassing.

-We can work through this.

-I know.

-I'll stay off the sweets.

-In the meantime...

HE HONKS HIS NOSE

..we need to find a creature with 1,000 eyes.

Er, well, Mr Reeves, I don't know about 1,000 eyes,

but there is something here about a mythical one-eyed giant

called a cyclops.

Well, that's good, but it's only got one eye and it's mythical.

I want 1,000 eyes! Get with it!

I've got it, Mr Reeves. How's this for a curious eye fact?

Did you know, a fruit fly has two eyes on the side of its head,

but each eye is split into 800 smaller eyes

which I do believe totals well over 1,000 eyes.

I thank you.

Well over 1,000 eyes - fantastic! Is it better to have loads of eyes

or one great big eye like the cyclops?

Mr Reeves, something's coming through X5 in G1 down here.

TANNOY: Multiple eyes loading.

Welcome to Vic's staring competition.

In the beige corner, all the way from Croydon,

it's Jim the cyclops!

And in the turquoise corner, all the way from the banana

he'd been eating after being sick on, it's Colin the fruit fly!

Come together. Right, you both know the rules.

First one to blink is disqualified. Ready?

OK, after three. Three, two, one, stare at each other.

Wow! Look at you with your one eye! I've got loads of eyes.

You are going down, my friend!

And the winner is

Jim the cyclops!

-Didn't see that coming, did she?

-Didn't at all.

Mr Reeves, we really do need to get this question answered.

Yes, yes. Right, Mr Lovett, yes. Well, right.

Us, here, at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

are not really aware of a creature with exactly 1,000 eyes, although,

the fruit fly has, or had,

1,600 eyes, so that's going to have to do.

Will you get those findings off to Fathiah as quickly as possible,

Miss Dinnerparty.

-Tea.

-Yes.

BEEPING

TANNOY: Flying Postal Services has arrived.

Post prepared for postal personnel.

Thank you for using Flying Postal Services -

your number one aerial courier.

Retreat, wind-borne emissary. Er, Mr Frazernagle,

have we got time for one final question?

One just coming through, Mr Reeves, sir. Line three.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of assistance to you?

Erm, hi. This is Marnie and I was wondering,

can people travel through time?

Very good question, Marnie. Thank you for your enquiries. Goodbye.

Marnie wants to know - can people travel through time?

Very good question. Very, very good question.

Captain Length-Width, can you travel through time?

Yes, I can travel through time. Let me give you a demonstration.

-Ready?

-Yes.

-Here we go.

Travelling through time by Captain Norman Length-Width.

There, did it. Travelled three seconds in time.

-What, just then?

-Yes, I just did it. Look.

I just travelled another second through time.

And another second.

I just keep travelling through time.

Two words - two words for you.

What?

Par-snip.

Don't call me a parsnip!

You are.

-There's no need!.

-You're just a parsnip.

All you did then was let time pass. You just lived a bit longer.

Well, I don't know what it is then!

Well, let's find out, shall we?

Give me some time travelling facts!

I've got it, Mr Reeves! I know where you could time travel.

Do tell!

When one side of the world is in daytime, the other is in night.

This creates different time zones around the world.

So, all you need to travel through time is one of these.

Oh-ooooh!

So, if you had your birthday in Australia,

then flew to Hawaii, it would be your birthday all over again,

as Hawaii's time zone is a day behind Australia.

Happy birthday...again!

You'd have gone back in time, and you'd get twice as much of this!

Frazernagle, it's good...

It's good, but it's not real time travel, is it? Come on!

I do apologise.

Here's a curious fact, Mr Reeves. In 2005, a chap named Amal

organised a meeting for time travellers, so that people

from all different ages could come together

and discuss time travel.

That's interesting, and also curious.

Brace yourselves!

RUMBLING

Stations, everyone!

RADIO PLAYS

-Hello.

-Hello.

Are you here for the party thing?

Yes. It's just the two of us at the moment.

Oh, OK.

Have some food. It's there to be eaten. Don't let me eat it all.

Yeah! Thanks, I will.

I think the crisps are cheese and onion actually.

-So, where are you from?

-Tudor times.

1541, to be precise.

-Oh, nice.

-Yes, it is actually, yes.

The toilets can be a bit of a nightmare though.

ROBOT LAUGHS

How about you?

-Um, 2083.

-Right, right.

I've heard it's really modern there.

So, what do you do?

I'm a king.

That sort of thing.

How about you?

I'm a robot.

Oh, right, OK. Good for you, good for you. What sort of robot?

Ah, yeah...

I'm an evil robot.

Oh, that's awkward.

Well, it wasn't quite like that. Not one time traveller turned up.

Come on, team. Let's stay on track.

We've got to answer the question - can we travel through time?

Here's a curious fact for you, Mr Reeves.

According to top scientist Stephen Hawking,

all we need is a wormhole.

-A worm what?

-A wormhole.

-A wormhole?

He says it's a time tunnel in space that leads to other dimensions.

They are very, very tiny, these wormholes, but in theory,

if we could find one,

and we could get into one,

maybe, just maybe...

we could time travel.

Just imagine...

if we had a wormhole here in the ministry.

Something's going on in Z14!

TANNOY: Wormhole loading in Z14.

Woo-hoo! I'm Gavin Reynolds and I'm a worm.

This here is my wormhole.

Who wants some?

Me please, Mr Gavin Reynolds. Me, me!

I'd love to do some time travelling.

All right, hop in, you Muppet! We're going back in time.

Hold on, what is that?

It's my wormhole.

-Come on!

-I'm not getting in there!

Suit yourself.

Ta-ra!

Well, it's a shame that didn't work out.

-Mmm.

-Mr Reeves, listen...

There's a wormhole in my garden.

-What?!

-Yes, yes.

-There's thousands of them.

-Tell no-one.

We keep this between ourselves, right?

Now, listen. We dig them up and we sell them.

We'll become rich. Rich!

Rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Wait, wait, wait. Who are we going to sell them to?

This Stephen Hawking character, he sounds like he might be interested.

Good idea! With the money we make, we can build a time machine.

Yes!

Yes...

How are we going to build it?

-I don't know.

-We'll need, um...

-paint...

-Nails...

Washing machine parts.

Maybe that'll do. I don't know.

CHEESY MUSIC STARTS

# We wish we had a time machine

# But we don't know where to begin

# Maybe make it out of shoeboxes

# Sellotape and some pigskin

# A coat hanger for an aerial

# And a Transit steering wheel

# Some egg boxes

# A peacock's feather

# And a bag of orange peel

# We get into our time machine

# And we travel to the past

# I harness the power of dinosaurs

# And make friends with some cowboys

# I'd bury Queen Victoria

# I'd turn the pyramids upside down

-BOTH:

-# We wish we had a time machine

# But we don't know where to begin. #

No way.

-Mr Reeves, let's wrap this question up now, please.

-Good idea, Lovett!

What's the answer to the question, can we travel through time?

Although it's not possible right now,

top scientists claim that in the future, yes,

we may be able to.

So, can you get those findings off pronto, please, Miss Teaparty?

Right away, Mr Reeves.

TANNOY: Attention, ministry. The working day is over.

Well done, team. A very, very good day.

Excellent, excellent fact-finding today.

TANNOY: Reassessing curious stuff.

So, what have we discovered today? Nerina asked if unicorns exist.

We met Wang, the human unicorn.

This has been the happiest day of my pathetic little life.

Julius Caesar claimed to have seen a unicorn.

Look, a unicorn!

No, that's a rhino, sir.

But, there's no evidence that they exist, so keep your eyes peeled!

Fathiah asked what creature has 1,000 eyes.

All people with blue eyes are distant relations.

-Oh, shut up!

-You shut up!

And that some frogs use their eyes for eating.

There is a creature with over 1,000 eyes - the fruit fly has 1,600 eyes.

But a one-eyed cyclops is stronger.

Marnie wanted to know if people can travel through time.

You can have your birthday twice if you travel through time zones,

but to travel through time properly

you need to find something called a wormhole.

Hop in, you Muppet!

We're going back in time.

So, in theory, time travel just might be possible.

-No way.

-OK, team!

Good work. Thank you and goodbye.

TANNOY: Transport ready for Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves!

Bye, Mr Reeves!

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for my tea.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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