Episode 3 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

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Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On-call are our highly curious researchers.

Lovett, Wannamaker, Frazernagle, Tea Party,

and, of course, Captain Length-Width.

The Ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

The working day will commence in 10 seconds.

Don't be late.

Attention.

Mr Reeves is entering the building.

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-Everybody!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Oh, Captain Length-Width...

-Yes?

-..could we have a quick rehearsal

of our piece for Britain's Got Talent?

-Of course!

-Let's have a run through right now.

-I've been practising.

-Are you ready?

-Yes, of course. I was born ready.

Give me a bit of room. Thank you. A bit of space.

-In which to work, of course.

-Here we go. Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Two, three, four.

STRAINED TRUMPET

-It's not going to work. It's too small.

-What?

I asked for a six-foot horse.

That's the only horse I could find with six feet.

I meant six-feet high, not with six feet!

It doesn't matter, I've read

that Amanda Holden really goes for this sort of thing.

-Horses with six feet?

-That's right.

-Let's give it a go. It might work.

STRAINED TRUMPET

I can't get on. It won't work. It won't happen. Just forget it.

Ah, so, Mr Frazernagle, who's on the lines?

-I've got caller waiting for you on line one.

-Good.

Hello, Vic Reeves at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff. How may I help?

Hello, my question is -

-can you regenerate like Doctor Who?

-Very good question.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Caller wants to know, can you regenerate like Doctor Who?

Which means, can you recreate a whole new body?

And why would you want to do that?

Perhaps you might want to have a phone call with yourself.

-Or go to the pictures yourself?

-Right a tandem yourself.

-Sing a song with yourself.

-Exactly. Now, then.

This is a very good question

and I've been doing some research on that.

The man on the street tells me that, if you cut a worm in half,

it will regenerate, survive, and become two separate worms.

Now then, I've got two worms in here.

This worm used to be called Steve Grundy.

It's now Steve Grundy and Steve Grundy.

So, that got me thinking.

Would it be possible to apply the same kind of experiment to a human?

We're not too different to worms.

We both like Strictly Come Dancing, we both like burying ourselves

and tunnelling around in the garden.

So, having said that,

my assistant has kindly volunteered to have himself cut in half.

I shall now attempt to saw through Captain Length-Width.

-Are you all right, sir?

-Yes.

-Good. Here I go with a real live saw.

Here we go. Placing the saw twixt the two boxes.

Sawing through Captain Length-Width. How are you feeling, sir?

-Absolutely fine.

-I'm sawing through you now. It's pretty tough.

There's a lot of gristle.

Getting through you there. There we are!

I have successfully sawn Captain Length-Width in half.

-How do you feel about that?

-Pretty good.

-Good. Excellent.

Let's separate the boxes. And there we go.

There we are. Sawn in half.

Captain Length-Width, or, as he will now be known, Captain Width.

Hah, hah, hah.

Right. And now for part two of the experiment.

Your legs should start growing back...now.

DRUM ROLL

Your legs should start growing back...now.

And...now.

-Right, I seem to have miscalculated. Anyway, moving on.

-Wait. Mr Reeves,

what about my legs?

Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't think they're going to grow back.

-Are you OK with that?

-I'm fine, I just needed to know where I stand.

Well, at the moment, nowhere. OK, let's move him back over there.

Miss Wannamaker, do you have

any glue that glues people who've been cut in half back together?

There's no such stuff, Mr Reeves?

-Are you sure?

-Positive.

-Mr Reeves?

-Yeah?

You will let me know when my legs grow back, won't you?

-I promise you, you'll be the first to know.

-Thanks, Vic.

-You're a real friend.

-It's all right.

-Here, would you like a cracker?

-Yes, please.

-I'll put them there.

Thanks, man.

HE SIGHS

A shame that didn't work.

Anyway, we need to find out, can we regenerate like Doctor Who?

Here's a curious fact, Mr Reeves.

Did you know sharks are constantly regenerating their teeth?

Yes, he's right, Mr Reeves. They can grow a whole new set in one week!

-And they get through 20,000 teeth in a lifetime. Amazing!

-20,000? 20,000?

That is amazing. Imagine what it'd be like on a human.

Mr Reeves, there is something coming through X5, round there.

Toothy gent loading in X5.

Hello. Hello. And who are you?

HE MUMBLES

You're a Nigel Preston

and you've got the ability to regenerate teeth like a shark.

-HE MUMBLES

-How's that working for you?

HE MUMBLES

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's very interesting. Thank you very much, Nigel Preston.

HE MUMBLES

No, they're broken at the moment, you'll have to use the ladies.

-Don't forget to wash your hands.

-HE MUMBLES

What a marvellous chap. Nigel Preston.

-Well, what else do we know about regenerating like Doctor Who?

-Oh!

Mr Reeves, this one is interesting.

It says here, when lizards get attacked by a predator,

they escape by making their own tail drop off.

A new tail will regenerate and grow back

but it's never as nice as the old tail.

It has no pattern, for a start.

I used to have a tail once and I really miss it.

It got chopped off in a revolutionary incident.

Anyway, what else have we got?

A starfish can regrow missing legs,

but much more amazingly, a starfish's leg can regrow a whole starfish.

Captain Length-Width, I hope that doesn't happen to your legs.

We don't want two Captain Length-Widths!

No, because... # There's only one Captain Length-Width!

BOTH: # There's only one Captain Length-Width

# There's only one Captain Length-Width... #

Thank you.

Mr Reeves, if you think about it, humans do regenerate, don't they?

-You graze yourself, get a scab and your skin heals.

-That is right.

It's funny you should say that. I've got a scab

from an old bacon slicing incident

and I've been regenerating it in the drawer here. Let's have a look.

See how it's getting on. I call him Scabby Pete. Oh, hello, Scabby Pete.

-Who's Daddy's favourite little scab?

-Please, don't look at me.

You're a lovely little scab, aren't you?

-Ow! My eye, my one and only eye.

-Come on, give Daddy a kiss.

Stop it. Get off me, please! Oh, I'm drowning in your affection.

Mmm...

Tastes of...salt and sadness.

Right, team, I think we're nearly there.

We've heard about animals that can regenerate bits of themselves,

but can we completely regenerate like Doctor Who?

Wait, I think I've found it. You CAN, Mr Reeves,

-if you're a jellyfish.

-A jellyfish, you say?!

Turritopsis Nutricula is known as the immortal jellyfish

as it can potentially live for ever.

It regenerates its cells so it can never die of old age,

which you can see here as we've clearly speeded up time to show you.

So, when it gets really old, it then becomes a baby again.

Then it's old, it's a baby, old, baby.

Old, baby. No, it's not an old baby, first it's old,

and then it's a baby.

Right, well, we got that cleared up.

Humans can't regenerate like Doctor Who, but jellyfish can.

An immortal jellyfish, if you will.

Right, get those findings off ASAP, please, Miss Tea Garden.

-Party.

-Yes.

-SHE SIGHS

Attention. Attention. Flying Postal Services entering the Ministry.

Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.

Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

Please stand back.

Postal Service reaching its destination in three, two, one.

"Rule Britannia" FANFARE PLAYS

Postal services departing. Stand clear.

Post will be delivered in approximately

two minutes and 32 seconds.

Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.

Farewell, aerial courier!

Farewell. Well done, team. Oh, Captain Length-Width!

You've got your legs back.

-How did that happen?!

-Well, I just pushed

really hard and out they popped like a pair of frankfurters out of a bun.

Mmm, delicious. Mr Frazernagle, how are the lines looking?

-Mr Reeves, the switchboard is in ABSOLUTE overload.

-Yes.

-I know.

-I've got a caller waiting for you on line three.

-Good.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-How may I be of assistance to you?

-Hello, can I ask you a question?

Which is the strangest language?

Thank you. Goodbye.

-Right, she wants to know what's the strangest language?

-ALL: Oh!

What is the strangest language?

I believe it's the language of love.

So sweet and also curious.

Brace yourselves.

Stations, everyone.

This is Trevor and Barbara.

They met at a gravel enthusiasts' exhibition

and have fallen madly and deeply in love.

They don't have to say anything to show their feelings,

they can do it with their facial expressions alone.

Barbara just said to Trevor, "I love your moustache."

Trevor said, "I really love your moustache too."

And, I must agree, Barbara has a wonderful moustache.

So, there we are, then. The language of love.

That is not a real language, Mr Reeves.

All right, then, Clever Clogs, what have you lot got?

Did you know, Mr Reeves, there is a whistling language?

It was used by shepherds in the French Pyrenees up until the 1900s.

It says it was made up of lots of loud whistles,

which could be heard from two miles away.

Unfortunately, nobody speaks the language any more.

Well, that's lucky, cos I can't whistle.

But imagine what it would be like if everybody communicated by whistling.

SHE WHISTLES SOFTLY AND TUNEFULLY

HE BLOWS TUNELESSLY

TUNEFUL WHISTLING

HE WHISTLES

Seven!

Oh, it doesn't bear thinking about. Really!

Come on, we need to answer the question.

Well, Mr Reeves, there is the Piraha language.

Some says the Piraha language is the strangest in the world.

Really? Tell me more.

I know about this one. This is rather curious.

The words for "poo" and "eye" are the same.

But to make it easier to tell the difference,

they say it in either a high pitch or a low pitch.

-It's called tonal language.

-I'm with you.

-So it would be something like...

-LOW-PITCHED:

-I need a poo

-or...

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-I need a poo.

-HIGH-PITCHED: So do I.

-There's more!

In the Piraha language,

there are no numbers or colours and no concept of time.

So it can get very confusing.

Let's give them a ring and have a chat.

Hello. Do you speak Piraha? ..Good.

Come here at six o'clock, get the number eight bus.

It's bright red. You can't miss it. Thank you, good day.

I didn't understand a word of that.

So, anything else to do with strange languages?

Well, Mr Reeves, there is a strange language in ancient Mexico,

called Zoque - a specific local dialect is extra rare.

There are only two elderly Mexican gentlemen

who still speak the language,

but they don't speak to each other,

-so no-one speaks the language, really.

-Why don't they speak?

Apparently, they just don't have anything in common.

Shall we meet them?

-Two elderly men in C12, Mr Reeves, up there.

-Oh good!

Elderly Mexican chaps, loading in C12.

Can you see them yet?

-Yes, I've got them.

-Where are they?

-They're just there.

Left a bit.

Got it! I can see them.

-Hello, Zoque shepherds!

-Good start.

-Thank you.

How are you?

-(Still good.)

-How old is the Zoque language?

< (Excellent question.)

-Erm...what makes the Zoque language so special?

-(Very good. Very good.

(Do they have anything in common?)

Have you got anything in common?

Do you ever speak to each other?

Zoque shepherds, thank you very much for a very enlightening interview.

-I don't know why I bother sometimes.

-You did very well.

-I really don't.

Waste of time.

­ I love you.

Well, those two notwithstanding, we've gathered a lot of information,

but are there any more strange languages?

How about the Yanomami - a very curious South American tribe,

who use trumping to greet each other?

Really?!

The South American jungle.

We are about to witness a very unusual

ancient greeting between two Yanomami tribesmen.

HE TRUMPS

HE TRUMPS IN REPLY

You don't see THAT every day.

You're 'aving a laugh, aren't you?

People actually communicate with each other using the 'umble trump?

I'll say! Parp!

Well, it seems lots of people use weird languages to communicate,

but it seems to me that the most peculiar is the trump.

I think that Trumps it. THEY LAUGH LOUDLY

THEY BLOW RASPBERRIES

Get that information off as quickly as possible, please, Miss Teapot.

Thank you.

Party.

Yes.

-BUZZER

-Flying postal services has arrived.

Post prepared for postal personnel.

Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.

Your number one aerial courier.

Goodbye, aerial postal character. Come on, people,

no time to hang around - relaxing is for couch tomatoes!

-Potatoes!

-No, thank you, I'm busy. Now then, let's have a call.

-I have a call for you on line four.

-Good!

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

how might I help you?

Hey, I have a question.

Do aliens live amongst us?

Thank you so much for your enquiry. Very good question, goodbye.

She wants to know, do aliens live amongst us?

If aliens DID live amongst us, how would we recognise them,

what would their eyes look like?

Little! And beady! A bit scary!

Very good. All I need to do is put all the information

into this wonderful machine here, what's this, I hear you asking?

This is the Vic Reeves Alien Face Identification Unit Computer.

Or for short, VRAFIUC.

Thank you very much. What would the hair look like?

Dreadful, like it hadn't been washed in ages!

-Or they washed it in cheese.

-OK, put that information in.

What would the nose look like?

Horrible, like a pig's oinking snout!

Very good.

And now I simply press this button

and the image should come flying out the other side.

Let's find out.

HE MAKES WHIRRING NOISES

Ah. Yes.

As I suspected.

Conclusive proof that I, Vic Reeves, am an alien.

Yes, it's been staring me in the face for some time now,

and, I must admit, I have been acting rather suspiciously.

I detect codswallop, Mr Reeves, you're not an alien!

All right, I'm not an alien, but I could be if I wanted to!

Right, come on, we need to answer the question.

Are there aliens amongst us?

I don't know about that but I do know about this.

There have been some very curious UFO sightings over the years,

even famous explorer Christopher Columbus

claimed he saw a UFO in 1492, and he wrote about it.

He said, "A light glimmering at a great distance,

"it vanished and reappeared several times during the night

"in sudden and passing gleams."

Bonkers!

Rumblings in H28, Mr Reeves!

Famous explorer loading in H28.

Ah!

-Look, a UFO!

-That's the moon, sir.

-Look, there's another one!

-That's a seagull, sir.

-There's another one!

-That's the sea.

-Another one!

-Sea again.

-Another one!

-The sky.

-Another one!

-That's me.

-Another one!

-That's you.

-Another one!

-That's your hand.

-Another one!

-The sea again.

There's another one!

Yes, that's a UFO. Well done. Well spotted.

-There's another one!

-No!

I'm not sure what to make of that, do aliens exist? Give me more.

How about this curious fact?

There is a place in America called Area 51,

and loads of people think it's a top-secret airbase

for aliens. And one ex-employee at Area 51 claims to have worked there

side-by-side with an alien named J-Rod,

but nobody knows if it's true or not.

Well, I don't get think it's true either. But you know what?

I'm sure I got an alien for me birthday one time.

-No, you didn't.

-What was it, then?

-It was a potato.

-Potato, yeah!

# I say potato

# And I say potato

# I say tomato

# And I say tomato

# We both say things the same way

# They both say things the same way. #

-That's right.

-PARP!

So, let's have a look in one of these drawers,

because I am convinced that I have an alien in here somewhere.

Not in there, no.

-Ah.

-Hi!

-Yeah, hi, got a lot of As in here!

An anchor, asparagus, apples, a monkey - that shouldn't be in there!

-I think you'll find that's an Arctic monkey.

-What a fool I've been!

-So you must be an alien.

-No, I'm an Alan.

-Alan the alien.

-No, just an Alan, as in the name.

-Yeah, OK.

-I'm just glad Andy moved out.

-I bet you are.

-Mmm!

-Can I go now?

-Yeah, you can go.

-Thanks.

Now I remember, for me birthday, I got some potatoes, and an Alan.

-Right, Mr Reeves, shall we get back to business?

-Yes.

Ooh, I think I found something!

Ancient cave paintings as old as 10,000 years BC

seem to show aliens on Earth.

Some folk believe it could be cavemen were hanging out with aliens

all those years ago.

Of course, it could be

they were just a bit rubbish at drawing people.

Whatever the reason, one thing we know for sure

is that doodling on any kind of public property, cave or other,

is graffiti, and graffiti is a crime.

Well, that's all very well, but I need cold, hard proof.

Well, Mr Reeves, if it's proof that you want, a video was once made

supposedly showing the dissection of an alien that had landed on Earth.

It was in Roswell in America in 1947, and it was very famous.

I know, I'm watching it now. It's horrible.

Ugh!

Look at those flailing arms and all that sweat!

-Let me have a look.

-Horrible!

Wait a minute. No! That's my wedding video!

There was an alien at your wedding?

No, that's my wife! Constance Length-Width!

Ho ho! You should take her to the doctors.

Look at the size of that head!

-Now, you look here!

-No, you look here!

-You look here!

-Now you look here!

-Look here!

-You look here!

-You look here!

-You look here!

-You look here!

-Now you look here!

You're right, she's awful! She's awful!

-How could you have let me marry her?

-I don't know, and she's my sister!

Mr Reeves, please can you concentrate?

Actually, the real Roswell video turned out to be a fake,

it was all just one big prank.

-OK, so what have we proved?

-Absolutely nothing.

There continue to be lots of unexplainable UFO sightings,

but there's no actual proof that aliens exist.

OK, we can let you know that there is no proof that aliens exist.

Although keep 'em peeled, and keep watching the skies.

Get that information off as soon as possible,

-Miss Conservative Party.

-Tea.

-Yes, two sugars.

Right, well, what a fantastically cracking busy day we've had,

-been really busy, hasn't it?

-Toot toot!

-Toot toot indeed.

Attention, Ministry. The working day is over.

Reassessing curious stuff.

We were asked, can we regenerate like Doctor Who?

And we found out.

Sharks never stop regenerating their teeth.

Very interesting.

Turritopsis nutricula is a jellyfish that can live for ever,

and human skin can regenerate itself.

Lovely little scab, aren't you!

So, to answer the question, you can regenerate if you're a jellyfish.

Next, what's the strangest language?

In 19th-century France, there was a whistling language.

Seven!

The Piraha language has no words for time, colours or numbers.

I didn't understand a word of that.

The Yanomami tribe greet each other by trumping.

The last two speakers of the Zoque dialect don't speak to each other.

I don't know why I bother sometimes.

So we think the strangest language is the language of the trump.

Then we were asked, do aliens live amongst us?

I, Vic Reeves, am an alien.

Christopher Columbus saw a UFO in 1492.

-Look, a UFO!

-That's the moon.

Cave paintings seemed to show aliens on Earth.

The Roswell video appeared to show a real alien operation.

Look at the size of that head!

-But it turned out to be a fake.

-That's my wedding video!

So there doesn't seem to be any real evidence that aliens exist, sorry.

And if aliens WERE amongst us,

we'd probably have known about it by now.

They don't call me "Eagle-eyed Vic Reeves" for nothing.

Goodbye, everybody.

Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.

Bye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

Bye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for me tea!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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