Episode 4 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

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PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call are our highly-curious researchers -

Lovett, Wannamaker,

Frazernagle, Teaparty

and, of course, Captain Length-Width.

The Ministry is a thinking facility

that helps us to find you an answer.

LOUDSPEAKER: 'The working day will commence in ten seconds.'

'Don't be late.'

Attention, Mr Reeves is entering the building.

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Morning, everybody!

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Captain Length-Width, looking rather pensive there.

Yes, yes, I'm awaiting a phone call.

What I've done is, I've invented this new type of toilet for Dragons' Den

and Bannatyne and the gang are over there now

trying it out. I'm waiting for a phone call from them to see

if they're going to invest in it.

-A new type of toilet?

-Yes!

BOTH: Fingers crossed!

-Have you got any other inventions?

-Yes, of course, yes, yes.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I've invented this new mac here. Try it on.

-It's a raincoat?

-Yes.

And I've taken into account global warming, when there'll be less rain,

and so you need less plastic for your mac. Real money-saver.

-Have you got a hat for it?

-Of course. I'm not an idiot.

Here we go.

ECHOING THUD

What was that? Did you hear that?

Yes, I'd forgotten I'd wired this up.

-What, that?

-Mmm.

-What have you wired it up to?

The toilet.

-Quick! Hide the evidence!

-Give me that.

-Sshh!

-Sshh! Sshh!

-Sshh!

Mr Frazernagle, any calls coming through?

Loads of calls, Mr Reeves.

-I've got an absolutely brilliant question on line three.

-Thank you!

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I help?

Hello, my name is Tanitia and I just wanted to ask you

a quick question - can I avoid bedtime?

Thank you, Tanitia, thank you. Goodbye.

Tanitia wants to know, can she avoid bedtime?

Captain Length-Width, what do you suggest?

What I do is, I hide my mother in the shed,

so that I can stay up really late and watch all the programmes

that I want to, like EastEnders and the Antiques Roadshow.

-Very good.

-What do you do?

Well, I simply put a bucket on my mum's head and she calms right down,

goes really quiet, into a kind of benign torpor.

Wonderfully peaceful. Then, I go outside and HOWL at the moon!

Mr Lovett, what have you got?

Well, Mr Reeves, I think dolphins have figured this one out.

It's the middle of the night and, believe it or not,

this bottlenose dolphin is actually asleep.

Whilst one half of the brain gets some kip, the other half

is wide awake, keeping an eye out for predators.

I wonder what he's dreaming about?

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: I'm dreaming you'll keep the noise down, mate!

It's the middle of the night!

Sorry!

Some people! I don't know... No manners.

Mr Reeves, what are you doing?

Well, funnily enough, I have the same skills as the dolphin.

I'm doing it right now.

It means I can have a snooze and I can also

go down the park and look for conkers.

That's total codswallop, Mr Reeves! You can't do it.

ALARM BLARES

I can, I'm doing it now.

Are you going to do that for the rest of the day, Mr Reeves?

-I haven't decided yet.

-Miss Wannamaker?

Oomph! Blimey! Just what I needed.

Whoof! A-ha! Miss Wannamaker, you do have abnormally long arms.

Right, come on! Back to the question in question.

Tanitia wants to know, "Can I have avoid bedtime?"

Here's a curious fact, Mr Reeves. I'm not

altogether sure that you'd WANT to miss bedtime.

Whatever do you mean, Teaparty?

Well, after missing just one night's sleep,

you can be ever so clumsy the next day.

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

Argh!

And after three nights without sleeping, you can start

hallucinating - seeing things that aren't there.

Hey, a gorilla's chasing me. He's after my bananas.

Length-Width, when was the last time you had a decent night's sleep?

Eh, last night. I slept like a baby.

-You mean, you wore a nappy and cried all night?

-THEY CACKLE

Yes, yes, I did. It's strange, isn't it?

Mr Reeves!

CRASHING

Ooh, here's another curious fact for you.

In the 1940s, a man called

Al Herpin baffled the medical profession.

He was known as "The Man Who Never Slept",

because, well, he didn't sleep for ten whole years.

-Ten years?

-Mr Reeves,

there's something coming through B7, behind you.

TANNOY: 'Wide-awake gent loading in B7.'

DRUM ROLL

And here he is. You must be Al Herpin,

"The Man Who Never Slept".

AMERICAN ACCENT: That is correct, sir.

How does that work, then?

Well, it's just something I've been bequeathed with.

I just don't need to get no shut-eye.

No, sir, I is Al Herpin, "The Man Who Never Slept".

YAWNS

"The Man Who Never Slept".

-Do you even own a bed?

-No, sir, Mr Reeves, sir,

I do not own a bed. Nor do I own a hammock,

nor a chaise longue or a mattress, or any other sleeping implement.

AL'S VOICE FADES, BUT DRONES ON

..which defies all scientific knowledge of the necessity of sleep.

< SNORING

Oh, it appears everybody here

has boarded the first train to Sleepytown.

Mwah!!

Oh, I just had a horrible dream,

an awful dream that the world's dullest man

had bored everyone to sleep.

Argh!

I don't need to get on that train to Sleepytown.

I just keep on going and going.

It wasn't a dream. Al Herpin, get out of there.

-I'm going. I just keep on going.

-That way, turn that way. Keep going.

That way. Keep going.

I just keep on going.

That's it, keep on going.

"The Man Who Never Slept".

-Come on, you people!

-RATTLING

Wakey, wake-hee!!

We've got to answer Tanitia's question. Come on!

"Can I avoid bedtime?"

Yes, Mr Reeves, you can avoid bedtime if, like Al Herpin,

you never sleep, but for everyone else,

bedtime is a good idea. It recharges our batteries

and helps us stay healthy.

So there we are, we have our answer.

We at the Ministry wholeheartedly say,

don't avoid bedtime, because you really do need your sleep.

Can you get that information

off to Tanitia, please, Miss Teaparty.

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you.

TANNOY: 'Attention, attention!

'Flying postal services entering the Ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel, upon arriving.

'Postalperson descending.

'Postalperson descending.

'Please stand back. Postal service reaching its destination

'in three...two...one.'

MUSIC: Rule Britannia

'Postal services departing. Stand clear.

'Post will be delivered in approximately

'two minutes and 32 seconds.

'Thank you for using flying postal services.'

Take flight, noble woman of the postal firmament.

Right, Frazernagle, come on! Let's have another question.

-Yep, line one, I'll put them through now.

-Oh, good.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of assistance to you?

Hi, my name is Jack and my question is,

what's the smartest animal?

Well, a very good question. I thank you for your interest.

Goodbye.

What is the world's smartest animal? Very good question.

Any ideas, Length-Width?

Erm, well, yes. I think the world's smartest animal is the penguin.

-Penguin.

-Yes.

-Why's that?

They dress very smartly. They look like waiters, but they're not clever.

-Why?

-They live in the Antarctic. Nothing clever could ever live there.

Lovett, any ideas?

Here's a curious fact, Mr Reeves.

Did you know the jumping spider - very clever spider, indeed -

can lure other spiders from their webs and then eat them.

It tricks them then. How does it do that?

Well, they plucks a rhythm on the corner of another spider's web,

mimicking a trapped bug or insect.

When the other spider comes out to see what it's caught,

the jumping spider pounces!

So, it plucks a rhythm to attract its food?

No big deal there, that's what he does to catch his dinner. Isn't it?

Yes, it's true. Just watch me

catch this pot of stew

by playing a little tune on my double bass.

-Go for it, Captain.

-Thank you, here we go, jazz lovers!

PLAYS TUNE

It's not moving.

Pot don't dig your swing, man.

It's a Lancashire hotpot. It should like this.

-Come on, baby... Come to daddy.

-Lay some hot potatoes on that pot.

Well, I'm embarrassed.

That Lancashire hotpot wouldn't know good jazz

if it bit it on the bum.

Exactly. Now, come on, let's get back to the question.

What is the world's smartest animal.

Well, Mr Reeves,

there's the amazing story of the grey parrot.

A what? A grey parrot.

What's so amazing about a grey parrot?

Not only can it copy words, it can also learn their meanings.

A grey parrot from Japan was lost by his owner,

wounded and sent to a veterinary hospital.

How is he, doctor?

I think he's going to make it. Poor little fella.

We don't even know his name or where he comes from.

Good afternoon, I'm Mr Yusoke Nakamura.

I live at 314...

The bird amazingly gave his full address,

right down to the last detail.

..and you can also get me on my e-mail,

which is [email protected].

The address he gave was correct and he was returned home.

How do you always find your way back?! Why can't I get rid of you?!

You're the most annoying parrot in the world!

You're the most annoying parrot in the world.

-Stop it!

-Stop it.

-Don't do that.

-Don't do that.

-Stop copying me.

-Stop copying me.

-I am warning you!

-I am warning you.

Ooh, what an annoying parrot!

Oh, come on, Mr Reeves - that was an amazing story!

It's not clever. Anyone can repeat something they've been told.

Hmm, and can you prove it, Mr Reeves?

Actually, yes, I think I can.

-Captain Length-Width.

-Yes?

-Be a dear, would you?

-Yes.

-Now, repeat what I say. You can do that, can't you?

-Yes.

Peter picked a peck of pickled pepper.

Peter picked a peck of pickled pepper.

Peter pepepe...

Peter picked a peck of pickled pepper.

-Peter pepapa...

-Petapepi...

-Peter pepapipa...

-Peter petapotato...

THEY RAMBLE

Oh, forget it, forget it.

-Just forget about it.

-Thank you, Peter!

-Uh, Mr Reeves, here's a curious little fact for you.

-Yes?

-The giant octopus is a very clever animal.

-Mmm? How so?

Well, confused staff at the New Zealand Aquarium couldn't

quite understand why all the crayfish were disappearing

from one of the tanks.

Perhaps they'd all gone to the crustacean disco in Margate!

-BOTH:

-Ha ha ha ha!

Not quite, actually, Mr Reeves.

Turns out the octopus was climbing out of his tank,

climbing into the crayfish tank,

eating a few crayfish for dinner, then climbing back

into his own tank, shutting the lid behind him like he'd never left!

Ho ho ho! Very sneaky, and very clever.

They can also open jam jars, Mr Reeves.

And they can fit into tiny spaces.

So, in theory, they could unscrew a jam jar and then squeeze into it.

Well, now, that is amazing.

That's not amazing. I can do that.

-You can open the lid of a jam jar?

-Yeah, I can get open a jam jar.

-You can't.

-Yes, I can.

-You can't.

-Yes, I can.

-No, you can't.

-Can. I'm going to show you.

Go on, then. Prove it.

OK. English mustard.

-Give us a spoonful.

-In a minute.

-Are you opening it, then?

-Yeah, I'm opening it.

-You can't do it, can you?

-Yes, I can.

-Told you.

-Wait.

-He can't do it. What are you doing?

-Nothing.

What's happening there? What's that thing?

-What's going on?

-Thank you, thank you.

-Who are you talking to?

-Nothing. Ah!

Ah, he did it.

Told you. Easy-peasy, no bother at all.

Did you have any help?

-None whatsoever.

-We haven't got time to mess about,

we need to answer this question.

What's the smartest animal in the world?

Mr Reeves, there's something large coming through E11.

'Clever mammal loading in E11.'

Hello, my dolphin! Right, have you got something to tell us?

DOLPHIN SCREECHES

Really? The dolphin here reckons that dolphins have got

bigger brains than humans. I don't think so!

-DOLPHIN SCREECHES

-Yeah?

Really?

The dolphin here says that, in the early 1980s,

a captive dolphin called Billy was taught the trick

of walking underwater using its tail.

It then went back out into the wild

and taught the trick to all its dolphin friends.

In the wild! Now, that's incredible. Thank you, dolphin, thank you.

And as a special treat, before you go, I'd like to give you this.

It's a leg of lamb. Which is what dolphins like, I think, isn't it?

It's only plastic, but he'll never know the difference.

DOLPHIN SCREECHES

Oh, right. He did spot it was plastic.

-DOLPHIN SCREECHES

-What?

Cheeky dolphin.

Never been so ins-ulated in my whole life!

Right, now then, Mr Lovett, are dolphins the cleverest animal?

It's true, Mr Reeves.

Most experts agreed that, after human beings,

dolphins are the most intelligent animals.

If it's good enough for the experts, then it's good enough for me.

-Get that information off straightaway, Miss Henparty.

-Tea.

Yes, please.

Yes, Mr Reeves.

'Flying Postal Services has arrived.

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

'your number one aerial courier.'

Soar away, celestial messenger!

Right, Mr Frazernagle, we've got time for one more call, please.

-Yeah, I've got a cracking call on line four.

-Excellent.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of assistance?

Hi, my name's Maria, and I was wondering,

what's the worst place to go on holiday?

And by worst, I mean the worst.

Thank you, Maria, thank you for the enquiry.

Thank you, goodbye. Yes, goodbye, yes, goodbye.

Maria wants to know, where's the worst place to go on holiday?

What do you think about holidays, Captain Length-Width?

As you know, I like an LA pool party.

And that's what I'm having right now, I'm having an LA pool party.

I've bought myself my own LA pool, cost me 100,000 million,

whatever it is,

and I'm just sitting here and I'm having a chat with Chad

and Brad, and we're discussing prospective movie projects.

It's a bit small.

No, no, this is the biggest pool in LA. The biggest one.

Whatever which kind of way you want to look at it, it's a bathtub.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

It's just that you're in England and I'm in LA,

-so it seems a lot smaller to you, cos you're so far away.

-Mmm.

Anyway, I'm a giant, as you know. I'm the Big Friendly Giant,

-the BFG.

-Yeah.

-BFGF.

-What is that?

Big Flipping Gullible Fool.

Think what you like, I'm on holiday.

Well, he's having a great time over there,

but what we want to know is, where's the worst place to go on holiday?

Well, Mr Reeves, here's a fairly curious destination for you.

-How about a holiday to Spiral Island II?

-Spiral Island II! Tell me more.

Well, Spiral Island II is a floating island

made from 100,000 empty plastic bottles.

It was built by eco builder Richie Sowa.

He lives on it and only occasionally goes to land

for fresh food and water.

Spiral Island I was unfortunately destroyed, so it had to be rebuilt.

So this bloke, Richie Sowa,

lives on an island made entirely from empty plastic bottles?

He must really like them. I'd like to meet this gentleman.

Richie Sowa coming through X5, Mr Reeves.

Oh, good.

'Bottle builder loading in X5.'

There he is, ladies and gentlemen, Richie Sowa, the bottle guy.

Here he is.

Hi, Richie.

Say, Richie, what's it like,

living on an island made of plastic bottles?

Oh, it's swell, man. There's so much storage for liquid.

-And also, they're my best friends.

-Yeah.

-Would you like to meet some of them?

-Yeah, yeah. Like, who?

-This one's Peter.

-Hi, Peter.

-He has a happy soul.

-Yeah?

-This one's Janet.

-Hi, Janet.

She does not behave as well as I'd like,

but she will soon fall in line.

-I've brought you a little gift.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Oh, Richie, how could you?

I can't begin to guess what it might be.

-I hope you like it.

-Oh, Richie, it's beautiful.

-Thank you so much.

-Rubbish!

Excuse me?

I said I was feeling a bit sluggish.

You said that it was rubbish. I heard you.

How dare you?!

How dare you just toss away the most precious gift that I could give!

You will never join my plastic family. And you will never

come and visit me on my island,

which is made entirely of my beautiful bottles!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, Richie Sowa!

Richie Sowa right there.

And now it's over to the sports desk and Captain L-W, Sunnyside, LA.

How's the weather out there, Captain?

That was quite a story, Mr Reeves, but the sport now,

and the Cincinnati Bengals are having quite a time.

All right, let's get back to it, ladies and gentlemen.

We need to find out, where's the worst place to go on holiday?

-Well, Mr Reeves, might I make a suggestion?

-Yes.

Why not go to a travel agents'?

Very good idea. Very, very good. And also, curious!

Mind yourselves!

Stations, everyone!

Hi, welcome to Curious Travel. How can I help you?

Well, hello, I'm looking for somewhere really dreadful

to go on holiday.

You've come to the right place.

Ours are so awful, you'll wish you never went.

Brilliant, that's just what I'm looking for!

-How about Flamingo Island?

-What's that, then?

-Let's take a look. Just pop this on.

-Oh, yeah?

OK?

Well, it's pretty bad.

This island is a manmade island

built especially for 1,000 flamingos.

-How lovely!

-Nice here, isn't it?

-What a lovely view.

-I'm going to love it here.

Problem was, it was so nice, it attracted more flamingos

than it was built for, and over 10,000 of the pink fellows arrived.

-Oi, budge up!

-You're hogging all the room!

-I can't move!

-Help, I'm claustrophobic!

Yeah, it's still not terrible enough.

I quite like flamingos,

and I'm looking for somewhere that I can really complain about.

-OK, well, how about Death Valley in Nevada?

-Ooh!

If the rattlesnakes, scorpions, black widow spiders

and mountain lions don't get you, the heat certainly will.

It comes in at a scorching 134 degrees Fahrenheit,

enough to melt your crayons.

Oh, actually, Paul, our work-experience lad, went there

-last week, didn't you, Paul?

-Yeah.

-How was it?

-Terrible.

Thanks, Paul.

-Agh!

-Or how about these? They're all real names of real places.

There's Cape Disappointment in Washington.

Well, that sounds like a bit of a letdown.

Doesn't it? Or there's Middelfart in Denmark.

That sounds appealing, because I do like somewhere with a smell.

Do you like smells? OK, how about Titan?

-Just want to pop the...?

-Yeah.

-Give it a...

-OK, yeah.

This is Titan, one of the moons orbiting the planet Saturn.

It has rivers made of methane, which is the stuff found in all trumps.

It also rains methane. Basically, this place is one massive guff.

Well, that's brilliant, the place must really stink!

Well, methane on its own doesn't actually smell -

it has to mix with bacteria.

That's disappointing, isn't it?

Well, maybe somewhere that's a bit more cheesy.

-Oh, why didn't you say, cobber?

-I just did.

Stinky Cheese Town, the Cote-d'Or in France.

It's actually been made smelly by the cheese it manufactures.

The Epoisses de Bourgogne is the smelliest cheese.

It's so stinky, it's been banned from public transport.

Fantastic! I feel inspired!

# The Stinky Town is a place in the south of France

# Stinky Town smells of rancid old underpants

-# I'll take you there

-Where?

# I just told you - Stinky Town

# Stinky Town, Stinky Town

# The smell of cheese is always on the air

# Yeah

# The smell like a bag of unwashed sportswear

-# I'll take you there

-Where?

# Stinky Town, Stinky Town

-# You'll love it there

-Where?

# Stinky Town, Stinky Town

-# Stinky Town

-Yeah

# Stinky Town, Stinky Town

-# Stinky Town

-Where?

# Stinky Town! #

Well, I think we're all in agreement,

there are some gruesome places to go on holiday,

but my recommendation is Stinky Town.

ALL: Yeah!

So, please, Miss Teaparty,

get that information off as quickly as possible!

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you.

'Attention, Ministry. The working day is over.

'Reassessing curious stuff.'

Tanisha asked, can she avoid bedtime? And we found out.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open, so they're only ever half asleep.

I have the same skills as the dolphin.

Go three days without sleeping, you see things that aren't there.

Gorilla's chasing me. He's after my bananas.

But in the 1940s,

Al Herpin baffled doctors by not sleeping for ten years.

I just don't need to get no shuteye.

To answer Tanisha's question, we recommend you don't avoid bedtime.

-Sleep recharges you and keeps you healthy.

-Mr Reeves!

Next, Jack wanted to know, what's the smartest animal?

The jumping spider eats others by plucking a rhythm on their webs,

pretending to be a trapped insect.

Good afternoon.

An injured parrot recited its owner's full address to the vets,

who got him home safely. Brainy!

No! How do you always find your way back?

An octopus in New Zealand worked out how to escape from its tank,

steal crayfish and climb back into its tank,

shutting the door behind him. Very sneaky, very clever.

But Jack, we think the smartest animal is the dolphin.

They've got bigger brains than us.

DOLPHIN SCREECHES

He did spot it was plastic.

Finally, Maria wanted to know,

what's the worst place to go on holiday?

We found out about Spiral Island II,

made entirely of old plastic bottles.

Everybody just tosses away their plastic bottles

when they're finished with them, but I keep them.

Flamingo Island is an island made entirely of, well, flamingos.

-Oi, budge up!

-Death Valley has scorchingly-hot temperatures,

-reaching 134 degrees Fahrenheit. How was it?

-Terrible.

Titan is a moon. It has rivers of methane,

the stuff found in stinky trumps.

This place is one massive guff.

But Maria, we think the worst place to go on holiday is

Stinky Cheese Town in France. Smelly.

-Well done, everybody. Goodbye, everybody.

-'End of the day.

-'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for me tea.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]