Episode 5 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

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PHONE RINGS

Here, at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call are our highly curious researchers -

Lovett, Wannamaker,

Frazermagle, Teaparty

and, of course, Captain Length-Width.

The ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

'The working day will commence in ten seconds.

'Don't be late!'

'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

Morning, everybody!

Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Captain Length-Width,

I was wondering if we might practice for

-Britain's Got Talent. The flute piece.

-Yes.

-I've been practising all night.

-Good, so have I.

-Ready?

-Yes, of course.

-Here we go, then.

HE PLAYS A SPRIGHTLY MELODY

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Why?

What sort of a gradient is that?

-It is like a 1:3 gradient, that.

-That's as flat as I go.

No, it's not, that's too dangerous to drive a car down.

-Can you just slacken it off to about a 1:7?

-Right.

-Here we go.

-Whoa!

-What now?

-That's about 1:5, that.

-That's right.

-Can't you get it flat?

-No! That's as low as I go.

-Forget it. Let's forget the whole thing.

-Forget it.

-Just forget it.

If you can't manage to have a 1:7 or even flatter,

then I am not interested in doing this performance.

Then we will agree to go our separate ways.

Well, maybe we should.

Yes, we should.

Mr Frazermagle, put the first call through, please.

Right you are, Mr Reeves.

I've got a brilliant call coming through on line two.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How might I help you?

Hello, my name is Clara and I've got a question.

Can you dance on the moon?

Thank you, Clara, what a very exciting question.

Thank you, goodbye, goodbye.

Clara wants to know, can you dance on the moon?

-Oh, Captain Length-Width?

-Yes.

That reminds me of the story of Alan and Kitty.

-Do you remember them?

-I remember them very well.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Whatcha doin'?

You know, Kitty, I'm just staring up at the stars.

-That's where I want to be.

-It's a long way up there, Al.

Yeah, I know it is, but I just want to be on that moon, collecting dust.

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-How long are you going to keep up this accent?

You can have dust out me Hoover bag if you want.

I know that, love, but I do want to go to the moon

if it's at all humanly possible.

Maybe one day, but not today, eh? Best get off to work.

All right, love, well, I'll see you back here at seven o'clock for tea.

All right, it'll be on the table. I'll just have a lie down.

All right.

Can you dance on the moon?

What we need is an astronaut to ask. An astronaut.

A giant leap for mankind coming through in G1, Mr Reeves.

FAIRGROUND ORGAN PLAYS

'Famous astronaut loading in G1.'

Wow, it's Neil Armstrong! The first man on the moon

coming out of his airlock. Whoa!

So good to meet you, Neil.

-Where's your trumpet?

-Oh, no, that's Louis Armstrong.

-I get that a lot.

-It's not Louis.

So, when you were on the moon, was there much dancing involved?

No, there's no dancing on the moon, it's forbidden,

prohibited, not allowed.

I'm not at home to Mrs I Want To Dance On The Moon.

And who made you the moon police, then?

Oh, the people who gave me this badge.

It is with pride that I became moon sheriff and it is my duty to ensure

the moon is treated with the dignity that she deserves.

That means no barbecues,

no late-night parties, no ball games

and certainly no dancing, it's disrespectful.

Sounds like a hoot.

It's not meant to be fun, it's a scientific research site.

So, if I was on the moon and I started doing this...

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run DMC

You wouldn't like it, no?

I would not take kindly to it, sir.

-The moonwalk.

-All the moves.

What about if I took it up a notch a bit like this?

-You must like that.

-Please stop that, sir.

-Come on.

-Please stop that, sir!

-You like it!

-I don't like it!

I'm sorry, I just got excited about the moon.

I understand that, she is quite an enchanting goddess,

but don't be doing that again, please.

-What about if I, you know, do a bit of that?

-NO! NO! I don't like it.

-Come on, a little bit of that.

-Stop! Stop that, please.

-Get with it.

-Stop it! Stop it! I did not take one giant leap for mankind

for people like you to do dances like that.

NEIL CRIES

Oh, he really does love the moon, doesn't he?

I think that probably answers Clara's question.

You can't dance on the moon because Neil Armstrong,

the sheriff of the moon won't allow it.

I detect codswallop, Mr Reeves.

There's no such thing as a moon sheriff.

That's good news, isn't it?

Cos we were thinking of holding a rave upon the moon this weekend.

Yeah, I know, and I've already sent out 500,000 invites

and my hand is really aching.

So, I'm really glad that that is not cancelled.

Carry on sending the other invitations

because it's back on again!

So, come on, let's answer Clara's question. Can we dance on the moon?

Well, Mr Reeves, here is a very curious space fact for you.

Did you know you can only survive for 30 seconds in space

-without a space suit on?

-And what happens after 30 seconds?

There's no oxygen, so you'd suffocate.

Well, I can hold my breath for 30 seconds.

Well, Mr Reeves, you can hold your breath all you like,

but the change in air pressure would cause your lungs

to be ripped apart in your chest.

And then, because there's no atmosphere to hold all the liquid

in your body together, your saliva would boil on your tongue.

You'd be hit by orbiting debris, hurtling through space.

And with the temperature of space being minus 148 degrees,

your body would freeze.

Sounds disgusting! Urrgh!

Right, let's move swiftly on.

Can we answer this question for Clara?

Can we dance on the moon?

Well, Mr Reeves, I'm not quite sure about dancing,

but you can actually play golf on the moon.

No, no, no playing golf on the moon. No, sorry, it's prohibited.

Don't listen, carry on, Mr Lovett.

Well, it would appear, Mr Reeves,

that there are actually golf balls on the moon.

Imagine that! Hitting a golf ball from the Earth to the moon,

that's got to be some kind of record, hasn't it, Captain?

Yes, it is, Mr Reeves, and when I hear a record like that

I just have to go for it.

You always do.

Whilst you're practising, I'm just going to go and pick something up

round here that I've seen.

There it is, there, I'll just bend over and pick it up.

Here we go.

Oow!

Oh, I am so, so sorry, Mr Reeves. Did I make the moon?

In a manner of speaking, yes. Only a few hundred thousand miles out.

Do us the honours, would you? Do us the honours.

No, I don't think so.

SQUEAK...POP!

No, thanks.

Mr Reeves, you've got it wrong.

In 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard played golf on the moon

and because of the low gravity, he managed to hit one ball 400 yards.

Very clever, but what we want to know is can you dance on the moon?

Come on, what else have we discovered?

Well, Mr Reeves, I'm not sure if you can dance in a space suit,

but there's something a bit more smelly that you shouldn't do in one.

Really.

Now, that's what I call an outfit, sweetheart. You look fab. Beauts.

-The girls will be well jel.

-OK.

Going anywhere nice?

Err, space.

-Out of this world!

-Literally.

-Don't be seen dead without it.

Although you would be dead without it in space.

What about wind?

100% waterproof and windproof.

Not that you need to worry, cos there's no weather in space,

no rain or wind.

FARTING NOISE

Although, you don't want to get wind inside, if you know what I mean.

Because if you bottom burp in your snazzy airtight space suit,

you'll be stuck with it all the way home.

Ooh, imagine that!

Flying all the way to the moon and back

with a stinking brute in your space flight suit.

Still, that doesn't answer Clara's question. More facts, please!

Well, this could be a very important fact, Mr Reeves.

There's no sound in space, so you would have no music to dance to.

Explain further.

Well, sound waves can't travel in space because space is a vacuum.

No sound, no music and no dancing.

Even if you were happy to dance without music,

there's so little gravity on the moon, you'd find it hard

to do anything other than dance really, really slowly.

-Slow dancing.

-Slow dancing? Well, I love slow dancing.

# I know you're somewhere out there Somewhere far away

# I want you back

# I want you back... #

Mr Armstrong, Mr Armstrong, Mr Armstrong...

-May I?

-Of course.

-Thank you.

# Talking to the moon

# Trying to get to you... #

MUSIC STOPS

Right, so let's wrap this up.

I think we can safely say that yes, you can dance on the moon

as long as you like slow dancing

and no music

and you've got a spacesuit.

Very good. Could you get that information off to Clara

-as soon as possible, please, Miss Teaspoon?

-Party.

CHIMES 'Attention, attention,

'Flying Postal Services entering the ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel on arrival.

'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

'Please stand back.

'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'

FANFARE: "Rule Britannia"

'Postal services departing. Stand clear.

'Post will be delivered in approximately

'two minutes and 32 seconds.'

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

Float northwards, envoy of the vault of heaven.

Right, Frazermagle, how are the switchboards?

They're very busy, Mr Reeves.

We have a call coming through on line one,

-connecting you now.

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-How may I help you?

-Hello, my name is Camilla.

I was wondering, can you eat poo?

Thank you, Camilla, for your delightful question.

I don't think(!)

Camilla wants to know - I don't know how to put this...

can you eat poo?

Oh, what?

Exactly!

I've never heard something so...extraordinary in my life.

Exactly, I've done a lot of things, but I've never done that.

No, I've never done that either. What things have you done?

Well, I've made a sausage roll.

I made a wolf whistle.

I've seen a barn dance.

I made a horse fly.

# But we've never eaten poo.#

Right, come on, then, what facts have we got?

I'm not sure about eating it,

but hippos use their poo to find their way.

They leave a trail of it so they don't get lost on their way home.

I followed a trail of excrement once

and let me tell you it didn't lead anywhere good.

In Africa, cow pats are dried and turned into bricks to make houses

and here in the UK, traditional cob cottages

are built using a mixture of soil, cow poo and water.

So, kids, if your parents say they are putting a deposit on a house,

it's not what they mean!

Right, come on. Let's get serious now. Can we eat poo?

Well, here is a curious toilet fact, Mr Reeves.

On average, us humans spend three years of our lives on the bog.

Three years on the bog, is that really true?

Something coming through in X5, Mr Reeves.

'Lavatory user loading in X5.'

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Who are you?

-Phil Packham.

-Dare I ask, what are you doing there?

Well, the average human spends nearly three years of their life

on the toilet.

So, I decided that I would

get my three years out of the way in one go.

I've been here for nearly two years and six months

so there's only six months left

and then I will never have to go to the toilet ever again.

-Well, I'm not sure it quite works like that.

-What do you mean?

I don't think you can get all of your lifetime's bog-sitting

done in one sitting.

-Isn't that right, Miss Wannamaker?

-Yes, that's right, Mr Reeves.

-Are you joking?

-No.

-You mean I've wasted nearly three years of my life for nothing?

-Yes.

-Oh, well. I suppose I ought to get up, then.

-Yeah, I would.

Steady.

It's fine, don't worry. My legs are just a little bit stiff.

I haven't used them for nearly two and a half years.

What's happened is, I do actually now need to use the toilet

so can you...?

Sorry, Phil, I am a little bit busy.

Do you know what, all that talk of eating's made me really peckish.

I'm just going to nip off to the ministry canteen.

-Sort that out.

-OK.

-Oh, that's running down my legs.

-Get up!

Hello, Mrs Dollop.

It's Mrs De-lope, Mr Reeves, get it right.

Sorry. Now, what delights have you got in the canteen for me today?

I've got something here you are going to love.

-Yeah, what is it?

-Civet coffee.

-Civet coffee.

-It's the most expensive coffee in the world.

Go on, try it, go on, TRY IT!

All right.

-Oh!

-What is it?

-Civet coffee is made from coffee beans.

-Yeah.

-It's fed to this little weasel thing.

-Yeah.

Then it poos it out and turns it into a lovely cappuccino.

So, I've been drinking poo out of a weasel?

-You think that's disgusting?

-Yeah.

I think you're disgusting! Get out of my canteen!

I think I'll leave it.

Come on, wakey, wakey.

Now, then, Mrs Dollop informs me that you can drink poo,

but the question is can you eat poo?

Well, yes, you can, Mr Reeves. If you're an elephant.

'It is not unusual for an elephant calf to be seen

'eating from its mother's poo.'

I hope you're hungry, I've been slaving over a hot toilet all day.

Mmm, finished. That was a wonderful poo, Mum.

Well done, ten out of ten, my compliments to the chef's bum.

-Would you like a second helping?

-I wouldn't say no.

Eat it all and you can have desert.

-What's for desert?

-Have a guess.

That makes me so pleased that I am not an elephant.

Hey, Captain Length-Width, do you remember we used to keep elephants?

Yes, they used to roam around the garden, didn't they?

We'd call their names and they'd come running towards us.

But we had to clean them out and that was a bit of a pain.

Do you remember when one of them got killed by a fox?

Yeah. It was nice to eat their eggs every morning.

Yeah, it was...

-No, it was chickens.

-It was chickens.

-Chickens. Easy mistake to make.

-It is an easy mistake.

Right, let's answer Camilla's question, can we eat poo?

Well, Mr Reeves, you can eat your poo if you're an elephant,

but if you're a human you should never eat poo

because it can make you very ill.

In fact, it's best just to have a cucumber sandwich instead.

Yes. Right, get those findings off to Camilla pronto, please,

-Miss Teaparty, thank you.

-Yes, Mr Reeves.

SIRENS 'Flying Postal Services has arrived.

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

'your number one aerial courier.'

Farewell, condor of the postal atmosphere.

Right, Frazermagle, time for one final call. Who's on the lines?

-Call on line three, Mr Reeves. I'll put you through now.

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How might I help you today?

Hello, my name's Matthew and my question is,

do flying monkey soldiers exist?

Oh, Matthew, thank you for that question. Thank you. Goodbye.

Matthew wants to know, do flying monkey soldiers exist?

Flying monkey soldiers, eh? Warriors, if you will.

If they did exist, my goodness, they'd be tough,

strong

and curious.

Brace yourselves!

Stations, everyone!

A LOUD BUMP

What happened then?

Right, OK, then, listen, flying monkey warrior soldier.

I will teach you how to do it. You're a student, I'm the master.

Are you going to teach me how to do this?

I don't want to know specific moves, I just want to know ballpark.

You can't just do the ballpark,

you got to do the whole course, it takes for years.

-Oh, well, get on with it.

-Right, OK, here are some moves.

-What's that down there?

-Where?

There. Move one.

-What's that down there?

-Where?

-There. Move two.

-These moves are lethal, coming out of blue.

-Absolutely out of nowhere. Final move. What is that there?

-Where?

-Cheeky monkey!

-Yeah.

OK, OK, I've got a move for you,

-what you've never seen before in your life.

-Right.

-What's that there?

-Where?

-There. Yeah.

-You are good! You will make a very good

flying monkey warrior soldier.

You is yesterday's monkey. I am new monkey on the block.

-All right, all right, don't get too cocky.

-OK.

-Take it easy.

-OK.

-You're very good. Good work, kid.

-Thank you.

-Ow!

-Ow!

And that is exactly what flying monkey soldiers are like.

-You don't have to tell me that.

-I detect codswallop, Mr Reeves.

You made that up.

Quite right, Wannamaker, well spotted.

Well spotted, indeed. That was entirely made up, I'm afraid.

So, let's get some real facts for Matthew.

Do flying monkey soldiers exist?

Well, Mr Reeves, I don't know about flying monkey soldiers

but there are some other winged soldiers. Parrots.

Parrots? But they're not soldiers.

-Yes, they were.

-Really?

Listen to this, during World War I, parrots were stationed on top

and inside of the Eiffel Tower

so they could give warning of enemy aircraft approaching.

But unfortunately, they didn't do a very good job of it.

Yeah, that would be because they couldn't hold the binoculars

in their little parroty wings.

What they should have had is this.

It's the Parrot Vision 3000.

It's a marvellous piece of equipment.

This really is the latest in parrot binocular harness technology.

Look here, we've got binoculars attached to this harness,

which is really beautifully crafted in faux leather.

What this ensures, is that with the harness there is absolutely

-no chafing for the animal itself.

-As I look underneath the harness,

I can see there is absolutely no chafing...

Just write it down on your pad.

I've noticed that this pad here is actually

attached to the clipboard, which is made from Loominex.

That's Loominex, that's a Loominex mix

and a very delicate spring action, there.

Mr Reeves!

SNORING

-Where's this parrot come from?

-He's from Costa Rica.

His name is Paul.

And for the first 500 callers,

you receive the presentation box free

and my cousin, Whitaker, will give your parrot a free pedicure.

-Mr Reeves!

-Yes.

-Mr Reeves!

-What?

That's not the reason why the parrots weren't very good.

It was because they couldn't tell the difference between

an enemy plane and their own.

So we just wasted our time.

-Trying to sell this.

-Five hours.

Five hours we've been here, trying to sell this.

-Have we had any calls?

-Well, we've had a few.

Sorry.

None.

-Five hours!

-Five hours we've been trying to sell this thing.

You could have chipped in earlier.

Right, come on, then.

What a waste of time that was. Let's answer Matthew's question.

Well, there is the curious fact of a very brave monkey soldier.

'Meet Jackie, brave, loyal,

'honourable, a hero, a soldier,

'a monkey?

'Jackie the baboon fought during the First World War.

'And gained a reputation as a reliable soldier

'and trusted companion to his master, Private Albert Marr.'

Hello, friend.

'Towards the end of the war,

'the much-loved platoon baboon lost a leg in the battle.

'But made a complete recovery and was even awarded a medal for bravery.

'So, there you have it, Jackie, a first-rate primate,

'a true hero,

'a real-life monkey soldier.'

That's nearly the answer, we are almost finally nearly there.

That was a monkey soldier, but we need a flying monkey soldier.

Look no further, Mr Reeves!

There was a curious monkey who flew and he worked for the US government.

Tell me more.

In 1961, Ham the chimp was sent up into space

and controlled the space rocket during flight.

He'd been trained by receiving rewards of banana pellets

whenever he pulled the correct levers.

A flying monkey! A space monkey! Imagine that!

I can't.

I'm trying to, but I can't.

KEYBOARD PLAYS

-# Space ape

-Space ape

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-# The chimp of the future

-# Astral primate

-Primate, primate...

# Monkey-style space cruiser

# Flying so high with your air supply

# Into manana mit your bag of bananas

-# Space ape

-Space ape

# Guardian of the future

-# Astral primate

-Primate, primate

# Monkey-style space cruiser

# Flying so high mit your air supply

# Into manana mit with your bag of bananas

-# Space ape

-Space ape, space ape...

# Don't let us down

# Humanity depends on you.#

So, I think we've proved that you can have a flying monkey

and you can have a monkey soldier, but never the twain shall meet.

So, could you get those facts off to Matthew as quickly as possible?

-Thank you, Miss Teaparty.

-Yes, Mr Reeves.

'Attention, ministry. The working day is over.

'Reassessing curious stuff.'

'Clara asked, can you dance on the moon?

'And we found out you could only survive for 30 seconds

'without oxygen,

'your lungs rip apart, your saliva boils and you freeze to death.'

Sounds disgusting!

'In 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard played golf on the moon.

'The golf balls are still there.

'Never trump in a space suit, the smell can't get out.'

You'll be stuck with it all the way home.

'There's no sound in space,

'and because of low gravity, any movements would be very slow.

'The answer is you can dance on the moon if you did it

'very slowly, in a spacesuit, to no music.

'Next, Camilla wanted to know, can you eat poo? We found out.'

Oh, sorry.

'Us humans spend an average of three years of our life on the toilet.'

Get up!

'Baby elephants will eat their own mother's poo.'

-Eat it all and you can have desert.

-Try it!

'Civet coffee's made from beans that've been

'pooed out by a civet.'

So, I've been drinking poo out of a weasel?

'So, you can eat poo if you're an elephant,

'but humans should never eat poo. I repeat, never, ever eat poo.

'Finally, Matthew asked, do flying monkey soldiers exist?

'We found out...

'..parrots were used to spot enemy aircraft in World War I.

'There was a monkey soldier called Jackie, a baboon

'who fought in the First World War.

'And there was a flying monkey,

'Ham the chimp flew a rocket in space in 1961.

'So, flying monkeys and monkey soldiers have existed,

'but to our knowledge there are no flying monkey soldiers, sorry.'

Anyway, bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye, team.

Bye-bye. 'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for me tea.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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