Episode 5 Ministry Of Curious Stuff


Episode 5

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 5. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

.

0:34:500:34:57

PHONE RINGS

0:35:020:35:03

Here, at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff

0:35:050:35:08

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

0:35:080:35:12

No question is too ridiculous.

0:35:120:35:14

On call are our highly curious researchers -

0:35:140:35:17

Lovett, Wannamaker,

0:35:170:35:19

Frazermagle, Teaparty

0:35:190:35:21

and, of course, Captain Length-Width.

0:35:210:35:24

The ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

0:35:240:35:30

'The working day will commence in ten seconds.

0:35:300:35:34

'Don't be late!'

0:35:360:35:38

'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

0:35:450:35:50

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

0:35:500:35:54

Morning, everybody!

0:35:540:35:56

Morning, Mr Reeves.

0:35:560:35:58

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

0:35:580:36:01

Captain Length-Width,

0:36:010:36:03

I was wondering if we might practice for

0:36:030:36:05

-Britain's Got Talent. The flute piece.

-Yes.

0:36:050:36:09

-I've been practising all night.

-Good, so have I.

0:36:090:36:11

-Ready?

-Yes, of course.

-Here we go, then.

0:36:110:36:15

HE PLAYS A SPRIGHTLY MELODY

0:36:150:36:17

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Why?

0:36:170:36:20

What sort of a gradient is that?

0:36:200:36:21

-It is like a 1:3 gradient, that.

-That's as flat as I go.

0:36:210:36:25

No, it's not, that's too dangerous to drive a car down.

0:36:250:36:28

-Can you just slacken it off to about a 1:7?

-Right.

-Here we go.

0:36:280:36:31

-Whoa!

-What now?

0:36:350:36:36

-That's about 1:5, that.

-That's right.

0:36:360:36:39

-Can't you get it flat?

-No! That's as low as I go.

0:36:390:36:42

-Forget it. Let's forget the whole thing.

-Forget it.

-Just forget it.

0:36:420:36:46

If you can't manage to have a 1:7 or even flatter,

0:36:460:36:49

then I am not interested in doing this performance.

0:36:490:36:51

Then we will agree to go our separate ways.

0:36:510:36:54

Well, maybe we should.

0:36:540:36:56

Yes, we should.

0:36:560:36:57

Mr Frazermagle, put the first call through, please.

0:37:000:37:03

Right you are, Mr Reeves.

0:37:030:37:05

I've got a brilliant call coming through on line two.

0:37:050:37:08

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

0:37:080:37:13

How might I help you?

0:37:130:37:16

Hello, my name is Clara and I've got a question.

0:37:160:37:20

Can you dance on the moon?

0:37:200:37:22

Thank you, Clara, what a very exciting question.

0:37:220:37:25

Thank you, goodbye, goodbye.

0:37:250:37:28

Clara wants to know, can you dance on the moon?

0:37:280:37:33

-Oh, Captain Length-Width?

-Yes.

0:37:330:37:35

That reminds me of the story of Alan and Kitty.

0:37:350:37:38

-Do you remember them?

-I remember them very well.

0:37:380:37:41

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Whatcha doin'?

0:37:410:37:43

You know, Kitty, I'm just staring up at the stars.

0:37:430:37:45

-That's where I want to be.

-It's a long way up there, Al.

0:37:450:37:49

Yeah, I know it is, but I just want to be on that moon, collecting dust.

0:37:490:37:53

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-How long are you going to keep up this accent?

0:37:530:37:56

You can have dust out me Hoover bag if you want.

0:37:560:37:58

I know that, love, but I do want to go to the moon

0:37:580:38:01

if it's at all humanly possible.

0:38:010:38:03

Maybe one day, but not today, eh? Best get off to work.

0:38:030:38:06

All right, love, well, I'll see you back here at seven o'clock for tea.

0:38:060:38:09

All right, it'll be on the table. I'll just have a lie down.

0:38:090:38:12

All right.

0:38:120:38:13

Can you dance on the moon?

0:38:150:38:17

What we need is an astronaut to ask. An astronaut.

0:38:170:38:21

A giant leap for mankind coming through in G1, Mr Reeves.

0:38:210:38:26

FAIRGROUND ORGAN PLAYS

0:38:260:38:28

'Famous astronaut loading in G1.'

0:38:280:38:31

Wow, it's Neil Armstrong! The first man on the moon

0:38:330:38:36

coming out of his airlock. Whoa!

0:38:360:38:38

So good to meet you, Neil.

0:38:400:38:43

-Where's your trumpet?

-Oh, no, that's Louis Armstrong.

0:38:440:38:47

-I get that a lot.

-It's not Louis.

0:38:470:38:50

So, when you were on the moon, was there much dancing involved?

0:38:500:38:54

No, there's no dancing on the moon, it's forbidden,

0:38:540:38:57

prohibited, not allowed.

0:38:570:38:58

I'm not at home to Mrs I Want To Dance On The Moon.

0:38:580:39:01

And who made you the moon police, then?

0:39:010:39:04

Oh, the people who gave me this badge.

0:39:040:39:06

It is with pride that I became moon sheriff and it is my duty to ensure

0:39:060:39:09

the moon is treated with the dignity that she deserves.

0:39:090:39:12

That means no barbecues,

0:39:120:39:14

no late-night parties, no ball games

0:39:140:39:17

and certainly no dancing, it's disrespectful.

0:39:170:39:20

Sounds like a hoot.

0:39:200:39:21

It's not meant to be fun, it's a scientific research site.

0:39:210:39:24

So, if I was on the moon and I started doing this...

0:39:240:39:28

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run DMC

0:39:280:39:30

You wouldn't like it, no?

0:39:300:39:31

I would not take kindly to it, sir.

0:39:310:39:33

-The moonwalk.

-All the moves.

0:39:330:39:36

What about if I took it up a notch a bit like this?

0:39:360:39:40

-You must like that.

-Please stop that, sir.

0:39:400:39:42

-Come on.

-Please stop that, sir!

0:39:420:39:44

-You like it!

-I don't like it!

0:39:440:39:46

I'm sorry, I just got excited about the moon.

0:39:460:39:48

I understand that, she is quite an enchanting goddess,

0:39:480:39:51

but don't be doing that again, please.

0:39:510:39:53

-What about if I, you know, do a bit of that?

-NO! NO! I don't like it.

0:39:530:39:57

-Come on, a little bit of that.

-Stop! Stop that, please.

0:39:570:40:01

-Get with it.

-Stop it! Stop it! I did not take one giant leap for mankind

0:40:010:40:05

for people like you to do dances like that.

0:40:050:40:08

NEIL CRIES

0:40:080:40:10

Oh, he really does love the moon, doesn't he?

0:40:100:40:13

I think that probably answers Clara's question.

0:40:130:40:15

You can't dance on the moon because Neil Armstrong,

0:40:150:40:18

the sheriff of the moon won't allow it.

0:40:180:40:22

I detect codswallop, Mr Reeves.

0:40:220:40:24

There's no such thing as a moon sheriff.

0:40:240:40:27

That's good news, isn't it?

0:40:270:40:28

Cos we were thinking of holding a rave upon the moon this weekend.

0:40:280:40:32

Yeah, I know, and I've already sent out 500,000 invites

0:40:320:40:35

and my hand is really aching.

0:40:350:40:37

So, I'm really glad that that is not cancelled.

0:40:370:40:40

Carry on sending the other invitations

0:40:400:40:42

because it's back on again!

0:40:420:40:44

So, come on, let's answer Clara's question. Can we dance on the moon?

0:40:460:40:50

Well, Mr Reeves, here is a very curious space fact for you.

0:40:500:40:54

Did you know you can only survive for 30 seconds in space

0:40:540:40:58

-without a space suit on?

-And what happens after 30 seconds?

0:40:580:41:01

There's no oxygen, so you'd suffocate.

0:41:010:41:03

Well, I can hold my breath for 30 seconds.

0:41:030:41:06

Well, Mr Reeves, you can hold your breath all you like,

0:41:060:41:08

but the change in air pressure would cause your lungs

0:41:080:41:11

to be ripped apart in your chest.

0:41:110:41:13

And then, because there's no atmosphere to hold all the liquid

0:41:150:41:18

in your body together, your saliva would boil on your tongue.

0:41:180:41:22

You'd be hit by orbiting debris, hurtling through space.

0:41:250:41:28

And with the temperature of space being minus 148 degrees,

0:41:300:41:34

your body would freeze.

0:41:340:41:35

Sounds disgusting! Urrgh!

0:41:380:41:41

Right, let's move swiftly on.

0:41:410:41:44

Can we answer this question for Clara?

0:41:440:41:47

Can we dance on the moon?

0:41:470:41:48

Well, Mr Reeves, I'm not quite sure about dancing,

0:41:530:41:56

but you can actually play golf on the moon.

0:41:560:41:59

No, no, no playing golf on the moon. No, sorry, it's prohibited.

0:41:590:42:02

Don't listen, carry on, Mr Lovett.

0:42:020:42:04

Well, it would appear, Mr Reeves,

0:42:040:42:06

that there are actually golf balls on the moon.

0:42:060:42:08

Imagine that! Hitting a golf ball from the Earth to the moon,

0:42:080:42:11

that's got to be some kind of record, hasn't it, Captain?

0:42:110:42:15

Yes, it is, Mr Reeves, and when I hear a record like that

0:42:150:42:18

I just have to go for it.

0:42:180:42:19

You always do.

0:42:190:42:20

Whilst you're practising, I'm just going to go and pick something up

0:42:200:42:24

round here that I've seen.

0:42:240:42:27

There it is, there, I'll just bend over and pick it up.

0:42:270:42:30

Here we go.

0:42:300:42:32

Oow!

0:42:320:42:34

Oh, I am so, so sorry, Mr Reeves. Did I make the moon?

0:42:340:42:38

In a manner of speaking, yes. Only a few hundred thousand miles out.

0:42:400:42:45

Do us the honours, would you? Do us the honours.

0:42:450:42:47

No, I don't think so.

0:42:470:42:49

SQUEAK...POP!

0:42:490:42:51

No, thanks.

0:42:510:42:53

Mr Reeves, you've got it wrong.

0:42:540:42:57

In 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard played golf on the moon

0:42:570:43:01

and because of the low gravity, he managed to hit one ball 400 yards.

0:43:010:43:08

Very clever, but what we want to know is can you dance on the moon?

0:43:080:43:11

Come on, what else have we discovered?

0:43:110:43:13

Well, Mr Reeves, I'm not sure if you can dance in a space suit,

0:43:130:43:18

but there's something a bit more smelly that you shouldn't do in one.

0:43:180:43:21

Really.

0:43:210:43:23

Now, that's what I call an outfit, sweetheart. You look fab. Beauts.

0:43:250:43:30

-The girls will be well jel.

-OK.

0:43:300:43:33

Going anywhere nice?

0:43:330:43:34

Err, space.

0:43:340:43:36

-Out of this world!

-Literally.

-Don't be seen dead without it.

0:43:360:43:40

Although you would be dead without it in space.

0:43:400:43:43

What about wind?

0:43:430:43:46

100% waterproof and windproof.

0:43:460:43:48

Not that you need to worry, cos there's no weather in space,

0:43:480:43:51

no rain or wind.

0:43:510:43:53

FARTING NOISE

0:43:530:43:55

Although, you don't want to get wind inside, if you know what I mean.

0:43:550:43:58

Because if you bottom burp in your snazzy airtight space suit,

0:43:580:44:02

you'll be stuck with it all the way home.

0:44:020:44:04

Ooh, imagine that!

0:44:070:44:10

Flying all the way to the moon and back

0:44:100:44:12

with a stinking brute in your space flight suit.

0:44:120:44:15

Still, that doesn't answer Clara's question. More facts, please!

0:44:180:44:22

Well, this could be a very important fact, Mr Reeves.

0:44:220:44:26

There's no sound in space, so you would have no music to dance to.

0:44:260:44:30

Explain further.

0:44:300:44:32

Well, sound waves can't travel in space because space is a vacuum.

0:44:320:44:36

No sound, no music and no dancing.

0:44:360:44:41

Even if you were happy to dance without music,

0:44:420:44:45

there's so little gravity on the moon, you'd find it hard

0:44:450:44:48

to do anything other than dance really, really slowly.

0:44:480:44:52

-Slow dancing.

-Slow dancing? Well, I love slow dancing.

0:44:520:44:58

# I know you're somewhere out there Somewhere far away

0:45:030:45:08

# I want you back

0:45:080:45:12

# I want you back... #

0:45:120:45:14

Mr Armstrong, Mr Armstrong, Mr Armstrong...

0:45:140:45:18

-May I?

-Of course.

-Thank you.

0:45:180:45:19

# Talking to the moon

0:45:190:45:26

# Trying to get to you... #

0:45:260:45:33

MUSIC STOPS

0:45:330:45:35

Right, so let's wrap this up.

0:45:350:45:36

I think we can safely say that yes, you can dance on the moon

0:45:360:45:41

as long as you like slow dancing

0:45:410:45:44

and no music

0:45:440:45:45

and you've got a spacesuit.

0:45:450:45:47

Very good. Could you get that information off to Clara

0:45:470:45:51

-as soon as possible, please, Miss Teaspoon?

-Party.

0:45:510:45:55

CHIMES 'Attention, attention,

0:45:550:45:58

'Flying Postal Services entering the ministry.

0:45:580:46:02

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel on arrival.

0:46:030:46:08

'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

0:46:100:46:14

'Please stand back.

0:46:140:46:15

'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'

0:46:160:46:21

FANFARE: "Rule Britannia"

0:46:210:46:27

'Postal services departing. Stand clear.

0:46:270:46:32

'Post will be delivered in approximately

0:46:320:46:35

'two minutes and 32 seconds.'

0:46:350:46:37

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

0:46:420:46:45

Float northwards, envoy of the vault of heaven.

0:46:450:46:50

Right, Frazermagle, how are the switchboards?

0:46:500:46:53

They're very busy, Mr Reeves.

0:46:530:46:55

We have a call coming through on line one,

0:46:550:46:57

-connecting you now.

-Thank you.

0:46:570:47:01

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

0:47:010:47:04

-How may I help you?

-Hello, my name is Camilla.

0:47:040:47:07

I was wondering, can you eat poo?

0:47:070:47:11

Thank you, Camilla, for your delightful question.

0:47:130:47:16

I don't think(!)

0:47:160:47:18

Camilla wants to know - I don't know how to put this...

0:47:180:47:22

can you eat poo?

0:47:220:47:23

Oh, what?

0:47:230:47:25

Exactly!

0:47:250:47:26

I've never heard something so...extraordinary in my life.

0:47:260:47:30

Exactly, I've done a lot of things, but I've never done that.

0:47:300:47:33

No, I've never done that either. What things have you done?

0:47:330:47:36

Well, I've made a sausage roll.

0:47:360:47:38

I made a wolf whistle.

0:47:380:47:39

I've seen a barn dance.

0:47:390:47:41

I made a horse fly.

0:47:410:47:42

# But we've never eaten poo.#

0:47:420:47:45

Right, come on, then, what facts have we got?

0:47:490:47:52

I'm not sure about eating it,

0:47:580:48:00

but hippos use their poo to find their way.

0:48:000:48:02

They leave a trail of it so they don't get lost on their way home.

0:48:020:48:06

I followed a trail of excrement once

0:48:060:48:09

and let me tell you it didn't lead anywhere good.

0:48:090:48:13

In Africa, cow pats are dried and turned into bricks to make houses

0:48:140:48:18

and here in the UK, traditional cob cottages

0:48:180:48:21

are built using a mixture of soil, cow poo and water.

0:48:210:48:26

So, kids, if your parents say they are putting a deposit on a house,

0:48:260:48:30

it's not what they mean!

0:48:300:48:32

Right, come on. Let's get serious now. Can we eat poo?

0:48:360:48:39

Well, here is a curious toilet fact, Mr Reeves.

0:48:390:48:42

On average, us humans spend three years of our lives on the bog.

0:48:420:48:48

Three years on the bog, is that really true?

0:48:480:48:51

Something coming through in X5, Mr Reeves.

0:48:510:48:54

'Lavatory user loading in X5.'

0:48:560:49:00

Oh, sorry, sorry.

0:49:000:49:02

Who are you?

0:49:020:49:04

-Phil Packham.

-Dare I ask, what are you doing there?

0:49:040:49:07

Well, the average human spends nearly three years of their life

0:49:070:49:11

on the toilet.

0:49:110:49:12

So, I decided that I would

0:49:120:49:14

get my three years out of the way in one go.

0:49:140:49:17

I've been here for nearly two years and six months

0:49:170:49:21

so there's only six months left

0:49:210:49:23

and then I will never have to go to the toilet ever again.

0:49:230:49:26

-Well, I'm not sure it quite works like that.

-What do you mean?

0:49:260:49:29

I don't think you can get all of your lifetime's bog-sitting

0:49:290:49:34

done in one sitting.

0:49:340:49:35

-Isn't that right, Miss Wannamaker?

-Yes, that's right, Mr Reeves.

0:49:350:49:39

-Are you joking?

-No.

0:49:390:49:41

-You mean I've wasted nearly three years of my life for nothing?

-Yes.

0:49:410:49:45

-Oh, well. I suppose I ought to get up, then.

-Yeah, I would.

0:49:450:49:49

Steady.

0:49:490:49:51

It's fine, don't worry. My legs are just a little bit stiff.

0:49:510:49:55

I haven't used them for nearly two and a half years.

0:49:550:49:58

What's happened is, I do actually now need to use the toilet

0:49:580:50:02

so can you...?

0:50:020:50:03

Sorry, Phil, I am a little bit busy.

0:50:030:50:05

Do you know what, all that talk of eating's made me really peckish.

0:50:050:50:09

I'm just going to nip off to the ministry canteen.

0:50:090:50:11

-Sort that out.

-OK.

0:50:110:50:14

-Oh, that's running down my legs.

-Get up!

0:50:140:50:17

Hello, Mrs Dollop.

0:50:190:50:21

It's Mrs De-lope, Mr Reeves, get it right.

0:50:210:50:24

Sorry. Now, what delights have you got in the canteen for me today?

0:50:240:50:27

I've got something here you are going to love.

0:50:270:50:30

-Yeah, what is it?

-Civet coffee.

0:50:300:50:32

-Civet coffee.

-It's the most expensive coffee in the world.

0:50:320:50:35

Go on, try it, go on, TRY IT!

0:50:350:50:37

All right.

0:50:370:50:39

-Oh!

-What is it?

-Civet coffee is made from coffee beans.

-Yeah.

0:50:420:50:45

-It's fed to this little weasel thing.

-Yeah.

0:50:450:50:48

Then it poos it out and turns it into a lovely cappuccino.

0:50:480:50:51

So, I've been drinking poo out of a weasel?

0:50:510:50:54

-You think that's disgusting?

-Yeah.

0:50:540:50:56

I think you're disgusting! Get out of my canteen!

0:50:560:50:59

I think I'll leave it.

0:50:590:51:01

Come on, wakey, wakey.

0:51:050:51:07

Now, then, Mrs Dollop informs me that you can drink poo,

0:51:070:51:10

but the question is can you eat poo?

0:51:100:51:14

Well, yes, you can, Mr Reeves. If you're an elephant.

0:51:140:51:18

'It is not unusual for an elephant calf to be seen

0:51:190:51:23

'eating from its mother's poo.'

0:51:230:51:26

I hope you're hungry, I've been slaving over a hot toilet all day.

0:51:260:51:30

Mmm, finished. That was a wonderful poo, Mum.

0:51:300:51:34

Well done, ten out of ten, my compliments to the chef's bum.

0:51:340:51:39

-Would you like a second helping?

-I wouldn't say no.

0:51:390:51:42

Eat it all and you can have desert.

0:51:420:51:44

-What's for desert?

-Have a guess.

0:51:440:51:47

That makes me so pleased that I am not an elephant.

0:51:510:51:54

Hey, Captain Length-Width, do you remember we used to keep elephants?

0:51:540:51:59

Yes, they used to roam around the garden, didn't they?

0:51:590:52:01

We'd call their names and they'd come running towards us.

0:52:010:52:04

But we had to clean them out and that was a bit of a pain.

0:52:040:52:07

Do you remember when one of them got killed by a fox?

0:52:070:52:09

Yeah. It was nice to eat their eggs every morning.

0:52:090:52:12

Yeah, it was...

0:52:120:52:15

-No, it was chickens.

-It was chickens.

0:52:150:52:17

-Chickens. Easy mistake to make.

-It is an easy mistake.

0:52:170:52:20

Right, let's answer Camilla's question, can we eat poo?

0:52:200:52:24

Well, Mr Reeves, you can eat your poo if you're an elephant,

0:52:240:52:27

but if you're a human you should never eat poo

0:52:270:52:29

because it can make you very ill.

0:52:290:52:31

In fact, it's best just to have a cucumber sandwich instead.

0:52:310:52:35

Yes. Right, get those findings off to Camilla pronto, please,

0:52:350:52:39

-Miss Teaparty, thank you.

-Yes, Mr Reeves.

0:52:390:52:41

SIRENS 'Flying Postal Services has arrived.

0:52:410:52:47

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

0:52:470:52:52

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

0:52:520:52:54

'your number one aerial courier.'

0:52:540:52:57

Farewell, condor of the postal atmosphere.

0:52:580:53:02

Right, Frazermagle, time for one final call. Who's on the lines?

0:53:020:53:06

-Call on line three, Mr Reeves. I'll put you through now.

-Thank you.

0:53:060:53:10

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

0:53:100:53:14

How might I help you today?

0:53:140:53:16

Hello, my name's Matthew and my question is,

0:53:160:53:19

do flying monkey soldiers exist?

0:53:190:53:23

Oh, Matthew, thank you for that question. Thank you. Goodbye.

0:53:230:53:28

Matthew wants to know, do flying monkey soldiers exist?

0:53:280:53:33

Flying monkey soldiers, eh? Warriors, if you will.

0:53:350:53:37

If they did exist, my goodness, they'd be tough,

0:53:370:53:43

strong

0:53:430:53:44

and curious.

0:53:440:53:46

Brace yourselves!

0:53:480:53:51

Stations, everyone!

0:53:510:53:53

A LOUD BUMP

0:54:050:54:08

What happened then?

0:54:080:54:09

Right, OK, then, listen, flying monkey warrior soldier.

0:54:090:54:13

I will teach you how to do it. You're a student, I'm the master.

0:54:130:54:17

Are you going to teach me how to do this?

0:54:170:54:19

I don't want to know specific moves, I just want to know ballpark.

0:54:190:54:24

You can't just do the ballpark,

0:54:240:54:25

you got to do the whole course, it takes for years.

0:54:250:54:28

-Oh, well, get on with it.

-Right, OK, here are some moves.

0:54:280:54:31

-What's that down there?

-Where?

0:54:310:54:33

There. Move one.

0:54:330:54:35

-What's that down there?

-Where?

0:54:350:54:37

-There. Move two.

-These moves are lethal, coming out of blue.

0:54:370:54:40

-Absolutely out of nowhere. Final move. What is that there?

-Where?

0:54:400:54:45

-Cheeky monkey!

-Yeah.

0:54:450:54:47

OK, OK, I've got a move for you,

0:54:470:54:49

-what you've never seen before in your life.

-Right.

0:54:490:54:52

-What's that there?

-Where?

0:54:520:54:54

-There. Yeah.

-You are good! You will make a very good

0:54:540:54:57

flying monkey warrior soldier.

0:54:570:54:59

You is yesterday's monkey. I am new monkey on the block.

0:54:590:55:03

-All right, all right, don't get too cocky.

-OK.

-Take it easy.

-OK.

0:55:030:55:06

-You're very good. Good work, kid.

-Thank you.

0:55:060:55:10

-Ow!

-Ow!

0:55:100:55:13

And that is exactly what flying monkey soldiers are like.

0:55:160:55:20

-You don't have to tell me that.

-I detect codswallop, Mr Reeves.

0:55:200:55:24

You made that up.

0:55:240:55:25

Quite right, Wannamaker, well spotted.

0:55:250:55:27

Well spotted, indeed. That was entirely made up, I'm afraid.

0:55:270:55:31

So, let's get some real facts for Matthew.

0:55:310:55:33

Do flying monkey soldiers exist?

0:55:330:55:35

Well, Mr Reeves, I don't know about flying monkey soldiers

0:55:350:55:39

but there are some other winged soldiers. Parrots.

0:55:390:55:43

Parrots? But they're not soldiers.

0:55:430:55:45

-Yes, they were.

-Really?

0:55:450:55:46

Listen to this, during World War I, parrots were stationed on top

0:55:460:55:51

and inside of the Eiffel Tower

0:55:510:55:53

so they could give warning of enemy aircraft approaching.

0:55:530:55:57

But unfortunately, they didn't do a very good job of it.

0:55:570:56:00

Yeah, that would be because they couldn't hold the binoculars

0:56:000:56:03

in their little parroty wings.

0:56:030:56:06

What they should have had is this.

0:56:060:56:08

It's the Parrot Vision 3000.

0:56:080:56:10

It's a marvellous piece of equipment.

0:56:100:56:13

This really is the latest in parrot binocular harness technology.

0:56:130:56:17

Look here, we've got binoculars attached to this harness,

0:56:170:56:20

which is really beautifully crafted in faux leather.

0:56:200:56:23

What this ensures, is that with the harness there is absolutely

0:56:230:56:27

-no chafing for the animal itself.

-As I look underneath the harness,

0:56:270:56:30

I can see there is absolutely no chafing...

0:56:300:56:33

Just write it down on your pad.

0:56:350:56:37

I've noticed that this pad here is actually

0:56:370:56:40

attached to the clipboard, which is made from Loominex.

0:56:400:56:42

That's Loominex, that's a Loominex mix

0:56:420:56:45

and a very delicate spring action, there.

0:56:450:56:48

Mr Reeves!

0:56:480:56:49

SNORING

0:56:520:56:54

-Where's this parrot come from?

-He's from Costa Rica.

0:56:540:56:57

His name is Paul.

0:56:570:56:58

And for the first 500 callers,

0:56:580:57:00

you receive the presentation box free

0:57:000:57:02

and my cousin, Whitaker, will give your parrot a free pedicure.

0:57:020:57:06

-Mr Reeves!

-Yes.

-Mr Reeves!

-What?

0:57:060:57:09

That's not the reason why the parrots weren't very good.

0:57:090:57:13

It was because they couldn't tell the difference between

0:57:130:57:16

an enemy plane and their own.

0:57:160:57:17

So we just wasted our time.

0:57:170:57:19

-Trying to sell this.

-Five hours.

0:57:190:57:21

Five hours we've been here, trying to sell this.

0:57:210:57:23

-Have we had any calls?

-Well, we've had a few.

0:57:230:57:26

Sorry.

0:57:300:57:31

None.

0:57:330:57:34

-Five hours!

-Five hours we've been trying to sell this thing.

0:57:370:57:40

You could have chipped in earlier.

0:57:400:57:42

Right, come on, then.

0:57:440:57:46

What a waste of time that was. Let's answer Matthew's question.

0:57:460:57:49

Well, there is the curious fact of a very brave monkey soldier.

0:57:490:57:54

'Meet Jackie, brave, loyal,

0:57:570:58:00

'honourable, a hero, a soldier,

0:58:000:58:03

'a monkey?

0:58:030:58:04

'Jackie the baboon fought during the First World War.

0:58:040:58:08

'And gained a reputation as a reliable soldier

0:58:080:58:11

'and trusted companion to his master, Private Albert Marr.'

0:58:110:58:16

Hello, friend.

0:58:160:58:17

'Towards the end of the war,

0:58:170:58:19

'the much-loved platoon baboon lost a leg in the battle.

0:58:190:58:25

'But made a complete recovery and was even awarded a medal for bravery.

0:58:250:58:30

'So, there you have it, Jackie, a first-rate primate,

0:58:300:58:34

'a true hero,

0:58:340:58:36

'a real-life monkey soldier.'

0:58:360:58:39

That's nearly the answer, we are almost finally nearly there.

0:58:410:58:45

That was a monkey soldier, but we need a flying monkey soldier.

0:58:450:58:50

Look no further, Mr Reeves!

0:58:500:58:52

There was a curious monkey who flew and he worked for the US government.

0:58:520:58:56

Tell me more.

0:58:560:58:57

In 1961, Ham the chimp was sent up into space

0:58:570:59:00

and controlled the space rocket during flight.

0:59:000:59:03

He'd been trained by receiving rewards of banana pellets

0:59:030:59:06

whenever he pulled the correct levers.

0:59:060:59:08

A flying monkey! A space monkey! Imagine that!

0:59:080:59:11

I can't.

0:59:110:59:13

I'm trying to, but I can't.

0:59:130:59:17

KEYBOARD PLAYS

0:59:180:59:20

-# Space ape

-Space ape

0:59:200:59:22

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-# The chimp of the future

0:59:220:59:26

-# Astral primate

-Primate, primate...

0:59:260:59:31

# Monkey-style space cruiser

0:59:310:59:35

# Flying so high with your air supply

0:59:350:59:39

# Into manana mit your bag of bananas

0:59:390:59:41

-# Space ape

-Space ape

0:59:410:59:44

# Guardian of the future

0:59:460:59:48

-# Astral primate

-Primate, primate

0:59:480:59:51

# Monkey-style space cruiser

0:59:520:59:56

# Flying so high mit your air supply

0:59:560:59:59

# Into manana mit with your bag of bananas

0:59:591:00:03

-# Space ape

-Space ape, space ape...

1:00:031:00:06

# Don't let us down

1:00:061:00:10

# Humanity depends on you.#

1:00:101:00:14

So, I think we've proved that you can have a flying monkey

1:00:171:00:21

and you can have a monkey soldier, but never the twain shall meet.

1:00:211:00:25

So, could you get those facts off to Matthew as quickly as possible?

1:00:251:00:29

-Thank you, Miss Teaparty.

-Yes, Mr Reeves.

1:00:291:00:32

'Attention, ministry. The working day is over.

1:00:321:00:35

'Reassessing curious stuff.'

1:00:351:00:37

'Clara asked, can you dance on the moon?

1:00:371:00:40

'And we found out you could only survive for 30 seconds

1:00:401:00:43

'without oxygen,

1:00:431:00:45

'your lungs rip apart, your saliva boils and you freeze to death.'

1:00:451:00:48

Sounds disgusting!

1:00:481:00:51

'In 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard played golf on the moon.

1:00:511:00:55

'The golf balls are still there.

1:00:551:00:58

'Never trump in a space suit, the smell can't get out.'

1:00:581:01:01

You'll be stuck with it all the way home.

1:01:011:01:03

'There's no sound in space,

1:01:031:01:05

'and because of low gravity, any movements would be very slow.

1:01:051:01:08

'The answer is you can dance on the moon if you did it

1:01:081:01:11

'very slowly, in a spacesuit, to no music.

1:01:111:01:14

'Next, Camilla wanted to know, can you eat poo? We found out.'

1:01:141:01:18

Oh, sorry.

1:01:181:01:19

'Us humans spend an average of three years of our life on the toilet.'

1:01:191:01:23

Get up!

1:01:231:01:24

'Baby elephants will eat their own mother's poo.'

1:01:241:01:27

-Eat it all and you can have desert.

-Try it!

1:01:271:01:30

'Civet coffee's made from beans that've been

1:01:301:01:33

'pooed out by a civet.'

1:01:331:01:34

So, I've been drinking poo out of a weasel?

1:01:341:01:37

'So, you can eat poo if you're an elephant,

1:01:371:01:39

'but humans should never eat poo. I repeat, never, ever eat poo.

1:01:391:01:43

'Finally, Matthew asked, do flying monkey soldiers exist?

1:01:431:01:46

'We found out...

1:01:461:01:48

'..parrots were used to spot enemy aircraft in World War I.

1:01:481:01:52

'There was a monkey soldier called Jackie, a baboon

1:01:521:01:55

'who fought in the First World War.

1:01:551:01:57

'And there was a flying monkey,

1:01:571:01:59

'Ham the chimp flew a rocket in space in 1961.

1:01:591:02:02

'So, flying monkeys and monkey soldiers have existed,

1:02:021:02:05

'but to our knowledge there are no flying monkey soldiers, sorry.'

1:02:051:02:09

Anyway, bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye, team.

1:02:091:02:12

Bye-bye. 'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

1:02:121:02:15

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

1:02:151:02:17

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

1:02:171:02:18

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

1:02:181:02:19

Stand back, everyone.

1:02:211:02:23

I'm going home for me tea.

1:02:251:02:28

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:02:491:02:52

E-mail [email protected]

1:02:521:02:55

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS