Episode 6 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here, at The Ministry Of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On-call are our highly curious researchers, Lovett,

Wannamaker, Frazernagle, Teaparty and of course Captain Length-Width.

The Ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

'The working day will commence in ten seconds.'

'Don't be late.'

'Attention. Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

Welcome, to The Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

Morning, everybody.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-What are you doing?

-This is a pencil sharpener.

But what are you doing with it?

-I'm trying to sharpen my pencil so that I can write.

-It's broken.

I know but I'm trying to fix it.

-How are you going to sharpen your pencils now?

-Who knows.

-Who knows.

-Who knows.

-Who knows.

-Who knows.

-Who knows.

I'll sharpen your nose in a minute if you're not careful.

That's a very good idea. Give me that, give me that.

Oooh.

There.

How's that work for you?

-It works a treat.

-Good. Have those ledgers ready for me by noon.

Right.

Let's get cracking with another magnificent

-and mind-intriguing question. Mr Frazernagel?

-Of course.

I've got a caller with an excellent question

-waiting for you on line one.

-Excellent.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at The Ministry Of Curious Stuff,

how may I be of service?

Hello, my name is Ishika. I'm just asking, do mermaids exist?

Thank you, Ishika. Good morning.

-Do mermaids exist?

-Ah.

-Oh.

Captain, have you had any dealings with a mermaid?

-Yes, I saw a mermaid once.

-Where?

-Fish and chip shop.

Serving or for sale?

-Top half serving, bottom half for sale.

-Entrepreneurism.

-Making the most of what she's got.

-Very good.

That's a very rare and exceptional question.

What do we know about mermaids?

Well, there have been some very curious sightings of mermaids.

In 1493, the famous explorer Christopher Columbus

reported seeing three mermaids off the ocean in Haiti.

-Really?

-Yes, he wrote about it in his diary.

He said, "They came quite high out of the water

"but they weren't as pretty as depicted for, somehow,

"in the face, they look like men."

Men! Look like men! Was he wearing his glasses?

-He should have gone to spec savings.

-I'll research that straightaway.

Mr Reeves, Christopher Columbus coming through C12 up there.

Terrific.

'Famous explorer loading in C12.'

-Look, there's a mermaid.

-That's a dugong, sir.

-Look, there's another mermaid.

-Also a dugong, sir.

-Look, I've discovered America.

-That's the Isle of Wight, sir.

-It's much smaller.

-Oh.

A dugong! Who or what is a dugong?

It's m...merrr...merrrrma... Merrrma....

-A what?

-A merrr...

Can you take this a little bit more seriously,

-the pair of you, please.

-Sorry.

Yes, Mr Reeves.

It's not a mermaid, it's a curious sea creature

-if you'd care to take a look.

-Yes.

That's right. I know about these. It's a sea manatee.

Because of their vaguely human faces, fish's tail

and ability to rise from the water in a human-like fashion,

dugongs are believed to have been the basis of many mermaid legends.

-So, they're not mermaids, then?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-Yup.

-Right.

-We might have a problem.

-What have you done?

I've opened up a....

-You've just opened up a what?

-A...

-You've done what?

-I've opened up a mermaid dating agency.

-What?

-What?

For lonely fisherman looking for love on the high seas.

Looking for a beautiful, single mermaid.

Yeah. It's lonely out there. You know what I mean?

Hi, I'm Susan, I'm bubbly. Ha-ha-ha.

I like swimming and fish dinners.

Hi, I'm Vivian and the best thing about me

is that I don't smell as fishy as you'd think.

I don't even know why I'm here. I mean, would you date this face?

THEY ALL SHOUT

No, no, no, belay there!

Now, then, I'm very disappointed with you lot, I really am.

I try to find you love and this is way you treat me.

Well, have your money back.

Here, scrabble for it, you marinal muppets.

And you, you old whelk,

-I expect you want your money back as well, do you?

-No.

-We're getting married next Thursday.

-Really?

Yes, turns out I'd date this face.

Ah.

-She's gorgeous.

-She's nice.

-She is beautiful.

-Well done.

You know what, that's so tender and wonderful,

I can feel a song coming on.

# In days of old

# Sailors were told

# That the dugong was a mermaid

# But

# She ain't no lady

# She's a dugong

# She's just a sea cow

# Now, won't you sing along?

# And go ding-dong, hu-hong ping-pong, Hong-Kong

# Ding-a-long

# Bing-bong, flip-flop

# Hong Kong, ping-pong

# Sing-a-song, ling-long

# Big-bop, doo-bop

# Dugong. #

Bravo.

Well, at least there's one satisfied customer.

So, let's get back to Ishika's question. Do mermaids exist?

We know that dugongs are often mistaken for mermaids

but what else have we got?

Well, Mr Reeves, if mermaids did exist, they'd have to be able

to breathe underwater or hold their breath for a long time.

-True.

-Here's a curious fact.

Swiss freediver Peter Colat holds the Guinness World Record

for the longest a human has ever held their breath.

An amazing 19 minutes and 21 seconds. That's mermaid standards.

19 minutes and 21 seconds, you say.

That's quite some time, isn't it, Captain?

-Do you think we can crack that record?

-Absolutely.

You're going to hold your breath for 20 minutes.

Hold on. I've never held anything for 20 minutes. But I'll give it a go.

-What's the worst that could happen?

-You could perish.

I'm going to ring up my local pizza place

which takes 20 minutes to deliver.

So, you're going to hold your breath until the pizza arrives.

Hello, yes, I'd like the Vic Reeves special. That's right, extra fudge.

Thank you. Love you too, bye.

-Right, OK, the goldfish bowl, are you ready?

-Oh, yeah.

-Here we go.

You can communicate with me using the board and the pen, OK?

T-H-A-N-K-S.

Tom Hanks?

I haven't a clue what he's talking about.

What facts have we got

so we can crack this mermaid-esque question?

-I've got a fishy fact you, Mr Reeves.

-Good.

If mermaids did exist, they wouldn't like to use make-up

cos lipstick contains fish scales.

It's the ingredient that makes your lips look shiny and shimmery.

I thought that tasted a bit fishy. It could do with a bit more vinegar.

Come on, let's have more mermaid facts!

Well, this is very curious, Mr Reeves.

I've got something here about the famous Fiji Mermaid.

'The Fiji Mermaid was a common feature

'of the 19th-century sideshows in America.

'It was said to be the mummified body of a real mermaid.'

Ooh.

Yeah. APPLAUSE

'The mermaid had been acquired by famous circus promoter PT Barnum.'

I'm here to see a man about a mermaid.

'In Barnum's exhibition,

'it was claimed the creature was caught in 1842 by Dr J Griffin.

'Griffin was a fake. He was actually Barnum's close friend Levi Lyman.

'And, in truth, the Fiji Mermaid was nothing

'but the head of a baby monkey sewn onto the tail of a fish.'

Perfect.

MONKEY SQUEAKS

'People believed Barnum's claim

'and, for years, the Fiji mermaid was popular worldwide.'

So, the Fiji Mermaid was a fake.

I can't believe what a fool I've been in investing in such nonsense.

Although, if you're out fishing and you do catch one,

please have it labelled, boxed and sent here

to The Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-OK, let's get that information off, Miss Labour Party.

-Tea.

-Yes, please, ten sugars, thanks.

-'Attention. Attention.

'Flying postal services entering the Ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.

'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

'Please stand back.

'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.

'Postal services departing, stand clear.

'Post will be delivered

'in approximately two minutes and 32 seconds.

'Thank you for using Flying postal services.'

Fare thee well, thy winged messenger.

-Captain Length-Width, are you all right in there?

-Oh.

Are you a bit peckish? I have food.

I have grapes.

How about an orange?

Banana?

That looks good. Can you eat them?

-What's the matter with you in there?

-I can't breathe.

-You want beef?

-I can't breathe.

-You can have beef on your pizza when it turns up.

-Thank you.

-Right, can we have another question, please?

Yes, I've got another question coming right through on line two.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at The Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How may I help you?

Hello, my name's Molly. I have a question.

Can you be fined for trumping?

Thank you, Molly. Good afternoon.

Molly wants to know, can one be fined for trumping?

What an incredibly glorious and slightly odorous question.

The question of the guff, the bottom burp, the trouser trumpet,

the Sir Tommy Squeaker, the bark of the Brussels sprout,

the quack of the bum duck, the roar of the egg monster,

the scream of the underpants troll,

the ghost of a future poo.

PARP

Just some of the terms used for letting one go.

What do we know about getting fined for that?

There's no better place to start than the late 1800s

and the curious story of the trumping French entertainer,

Le Petomane.

That story sounds both incredible

and curious.

Brace yourselves.

Stations, everyone.

'This is Le Petomane.

'He was incredibly famous for playing an unconventional wind instrument.'

PARP

Not only am I musical but I can also do tricks. Regardez.

'His special skill made him very famous and made him a lot of money.

'Even the Prince of Wales loved him.'

-I love that trumping Frenchman, I really do.

-Not that Prince of Wales.

Oopsy, how embarrassing.

APPLAUSE

That Petomane chap sounds like a bit of genius. I'd like to meet him.

We could make some sweet, botty music together.

Well, it seems like something is brewing in B7.

'Bottom musician loaded in B7.'

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

-Le Petomane, so pleased to meet you.

-Meh.

I'm a bit of a trumper myself.

I don't like to blow my trumpet about it although I can.

TRUMPET PLAYS

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha! Don't ever compare your bottom to my bottom, monsieur.

My derriere is a genius.

Whereas your excuse for a pitiful bum-bum is a rotten, little amateur.

PARP

Don't listen to him, Jonathan.

How dare you insult my botty in that fashion?

Your bottom is a nobody, it wobbles like horrible, pink jelly.

Whereas my bottom is a superstar. Isn't that right, Christopher?

PARP PARP

You have got yourself a pop-off.

Ha! Well then, bring it on. My bottom fears no man.

-Hm-hm.

-Hm-hm hm-hm.

-Ready?

-Ready.

PARP

-Oh.

-PARP

Urgh.

PARP

PARP

PARP

# I came to win. #

Ha-ha-ha.

-Yes!

-Well done, there, my son.

# To thrive, I came to win. #

-I take it all back, monsieur. You are a brilliant trumper.

-Thank you.

I am in awe, I could kiss your pert, little bum-bum.

Ha-ha. No, oi, oi, oi, whoa.

-Maybe later on, OK?

-Au revoir, my grunting brother.

Au revoir, Le Petomane. And there he goes.

Turned out to be quite a nice fellow, after all.

Right, what other information have we got?

Can someone be fined for unleashing a violent Barbara McFartland?

I don't know about that yet, but I can tell you the story

of the most embarrassing Barbara McFartland ever.

Good times.

'Sir Edgar of Bognor.'

Delighted to meet me.

'When the Earl of Oxford met Queen Elizabeth I,

'he had probably thought of something very charming and witty to say.'

-Ma'am, I present to you the Earl of Oxford.

-Delighted to meet...

PARP

'How embarrassing.'

'The poor earl was so ashamed by the backside blunder

'that he immediately left the country.

'And refused to return for seven long years.

'Until one day,

'when he felt sure that his ill-timed trump had been forgotten.'

My Lord, welcome home, it's been such a long time.

And you needn't worry, I had forgot the fart.

That was brilliant and highly embarrassing.

Although, the 3-D wasn't very good.

-That's because it wasn't in 3-D.

-Well, that'll be why then.

-Right, can you be fined for unleashing an air nut?

-I've got it.

The answer is yes.

In 2009 in Austria, a man was fined 50 Euros

for firing off an air nut in front of a policeman deliberately.

Thank you, Mr Lovett.

Yes, Hansi Sporer was charged with breaching anti-police abuse laws

when he trumped in front of an officer

as they chatted together at a rock concert.

PARP

How dare you trump before me?

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware it was your turn.

So, there you have it, you can be fined for trumping

if you do it in front of a policeman at an Austrian rock concert.

So, Miss Teaparty, could you get those findings off to Molly Fartwit.

Right away, Mr Reeves.

'Flying postal services has arrived.

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using flying postal services.

'Your number one aerial courier.'

Farewell, die fledermaus.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh.

-What are you doing?

-Pizza's arrived.

-What?

-Pizza's arrived.

Peter's alive. Praise be, yes!

-Who's Peter?

-Pizza's arrived.

Pictures of flies. What are you talking about?

You're talking the language of the parsnip people.

I think we've got time for one final question before the pizza arrives.

One more question coming through, Mr Reeves. Line two.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves, here, at The Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How can I be of assistance?

Hi, this is Oliver.

My question is, can animals be secret agents?

Ooh. Thank you, Oliver. Good evening.

Oliver wants to know, can animals be secret agents?

-Length-Width, what do you think?

-Can I come out now?

-Hi, love you too.

Right, so, can animals be secret agents?

Lovett, what have we got on that?

Well, this is a curious fact.

In the 1800s, a real-life monkey was tried as a spy.

-An undercover ape.

-Kind of.

When a French ship was wrecked near Hartlepool in 1805,

the local people thought the only survivor was a French spy

as they'd never seen a real French person before.

-But it turns out they were a little bit confused.

-Hmm, confused.

And curious.

Brace yourselves.

-Oh, what a terrible accident. Is he alive?

-I don't know.

-I wonder where boat come from.

-I don't know. Could be France.

-France!

-Ay, France.

-Then that would make this fellow here

-a Frenchman.

-Ooh-ooh aah-aah-aah-aah.

-He must be a French spy.

-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.

-Look at him, he just looks so, so...

-French!

French, exactly.

Aah-aah, aah-aah.

A French spy. And that means we should sentence him to death.

-What? I'm not French.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Oh, that poor old monkey. He wasn't even a real spy.

Well, Mr Reeves, this is curious.

In 2007, squirrels were found with listening devices.

-Like an earpod?

-iPod.

iPod, you pod, we all pod. We're all the same. Get on with it.

The squirrels were found with bugging equipment.

Iranian intelligence allegedly found a dozen of them

by the Iranian border with listening devices.

The authorities claimed they were spying for their enemies.

That's a terrible idea, squirrels are rubbish spies.

They might be all right getting in and out of crevices

but their hearing's rubbish.

Mr Reeves, there's five squirrels coming through Z13.

Excellent and perfect. Ideal for the purposes of my demonstration.

You see this squirrel, here,

if I gave that squirrel some top-secret information

and passed it down the line to this squirrel here,

by the time it got to this squirrel, it'd be nonsense.

Watch and learn.

He's found the secret air base. Pass it on.

THE SQUIRRELS WHISPER

-Well?

-He sat on Susan's hairpiece.

-He sat on Susan's hairpiece.

What did I tell you? Rubbish, absolute, undiluted rubbish!

Can you answer the question properly

because that was a dreadful experiment.

I just don't like squirrels.

They're always going in and out of my nut drawers,

taking my nuts away.

Now, I'm just going to take some of these secret files over here

and put them next to this biscuit on my desk. Hmm.

OK, Mr Lovett, any more information on top-secret animals?

Here's a very curious fact.

In India, there have been many reports of gangs of monkeys

breaking into government offices, including the president's.

They've threatened government workers

and stolen or destroyed top-secret files.

Some suspect they've been specially trained.

That's ridiculous. That's one of the most ludicrous

and preposterousness answers I've ever heard.

Who's ever heard of a monkey creeping into someone's offices

and stealing their equipment and files.

I've never heard anything like it in my whole life.

I really haven't. Now, where's that biscuit? It's gone.

Was there a biscuit there? Top-secret files?

Did I put files...? I can't remember.

Maybe it was all one of those top-secret dreams

that I occasionally have.

Anyway, what we do need to find out is the answer

to Oliver's question.

Can an animal be a top-secret spy?

Well, Mr Reeves, have you heard the story

about Operation Acoustic Kitty?

'Declassified documents have revealed

'that during the 1960s, the CIA were handpicking cats

'for a top-secret experiment.'

Meow.

Meow?

'America's Cold War with Russia was a busy time for top-secret spies.

'America's CIA were surgically altering cats

'to become sophisticated bugging devices.

'They put batteries in the cat and wired him up.

'Once released, this unique bugging device would send back

'top-secret information to American agents.

'But Kitty would get hungry.

'So, they put another mechanism in the cat

'to override the feeling of hunger.

'After several operations, five years intensive training

'and 15 million dollars spent, the bionic cat was ready.

'The CIA drove the cat to a test area and released him.

'The cat was struck by a taxi

'and died.'

Oh, what an unfortunate ending.

I think we've discovered several examples of animals spies.

-Could you get those findings to Oliver, Miss Teapot.

-Party.

No, I'm going directly home tonight, thanks for asking.

-Will Tom Cruise be there?

-No, he will not.

'Attention, Ministry, the working day is over.

'Re-assessing curious stuff.'

Ishika wanted to know if mermaids existed. We found out.

Christopher Columbus reported seeing three mermaids in 1493.

-There's a mermaid.

-That's a dugong, sir.

It was probably a dugong as dugongs were often mistaken for mermaids.

The longest a human has ever held their breath is 19 minutes

and 21 seconds.

I can't breathe.

For years, the Fiji Mermaid skeleton was thought to be real

but it was just a monkey's head on a fish's tail.

To answer the question, sorry,

we don't think mermaids really exist.

Next, Molly wanted to know, can you be fined for trumping?

We met Le Petomane, a French master trumper from the 1800s.

Delighted to meet you.

The Earl of Oxford trumped in front of Queen Elizabeth

and so embarrassed he left the country.

We did find an answer.

In 2009, an Austrian man was fined 50 Euros

for trumping in front of a policeman.

So, yes, Molly, you can be fined for trumping.

Finally, Oliver wanted to know, can animals be secret agents?

We found out, in the 1800s, a monkey was tried

and executed for being a spy.

I'm not French.

In 2007, on the Iranian border,

spy squirrels were found with top-secret listening devices.

And Operation Kitty involved training a cat as a spy.

It didn't work.

So, yes, Oliver, it seems that animals can indeed be secret agents.

There's something I'm sure I've forgotten about.

Well, it'll come to me. Good night, everyone.

-'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for my tea.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd