Episode 13 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call are our highly curious researchers - Lovett,

Wannamaker, Frazernagle, Teaparty,

and of course, Captain Length-Width.

The Ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

-TANNOY:

-The working day will commence in ten seconds.

Don't be late.

Attention. Mr Reeves is entering the building.

Welcome to The Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-Morning, everybody!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning! How are we today? Good.

Length Width, what are you doing?

Yes, I'm just sorting this dust out. Filing it into light and dark.

I've been here all night doing it, and I think I've nearly finished.

-Yeah? Very good. Oh, sorry.

-Thank you.

-Look at these hands!

-They're filthy!

-Yes, I know, I've been sorting out the dust.

You can't work at the Ministry of Curious Stuff with filthy hands!

Come with me to wash them. Follow me.

There's a washing machine over here. It's in one of these drawers.

This one here, I think. OK. Now get your hands in there.

-Put it on an medium cycle.

-All right.

-How's it going?

-Pretty good.

-Done?

-I'm done.

-Good.

Right. All clean?

Er, well, yes.

-Oh, dear.

-Show me.

THEY LAUGH

-Will they go back?

-No.

THEY LAUGH

-They won't go back!

-You had them on the hot cycle.

-Yes, I seem to have put them on a bit too warm.

-Yes. Very well done.

-Monkey's hands!

-Yes. Captain Length Width.

You've had a wonderful time at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-Tell me what you've learnt.

-I've had the time of my life.

But some of the things I've learned include this. A...

-No, it's an extraordinary thing. I've learnt...

-Yes?

-You can't remember, can you?

-I can't.

-You can't remember.

-No.

-Do you know why?

-Why?

The hot cycle. It's washed away all your thoughts.

-I see! I didn't know that.

-Yes.

-Let me remind you.

-No.

-Look at this.

I'm incredible!

You're amazing, Mr Reeves.

There.

Here at the Ministry, we answer all of your burning questions,

no matter how bizarre or ridiculous. And a visit always unearths

some of the most extraordinarily curious facts.

Sometimes, they're disgusting and curious.

What?!

Like the fact that baby elephants eat their mum's poo.

Hope you're hungry. I've been slaving over a hot toilet all day.

Finished! That was a wonderful poo, Mum. Well done. Ten out of ten.

-My compliments to the chef's bum.

-Would you like a second helping?

-I wouldn't say no.

-Eat it all, and you can have dessert.

-What's for dessert?

-Have a guess.

-And get your ears around this fact.

On average, humans spend a whopping three years sat on the loo!

-Get off!

-And did you know about this?

There's a note so low and deep it's thought it could

make you mess your pants if you hear it.

It's called the brown noise.

But if you want a tommy-squeaker of a fact,

look no further than this man - Le Petomane.

He was a French performer in the 19th century,

who became famous for entertaining people with his trumps.

Even the Prince of Wales loved to hear him let one go.

I love that trumping Frenchman, I really do.

But who would win in a pop-off - Le Petomane, that famous trumper,

or me, Mr Vic Reeves?

-Ready?

-Ready.

HE FARTS

HE FARTS

HE FARTS MORE LOUDLY

HE FARTS

LONG BUBBLY FART

-HE LAUGHS

-Yes!

Get in there, my son!

-I take it all back, monsieur. You are a brilliant trumper.

-Thank you.

I am in awe. I could kiss your pert little bum-bum.

-Oi, oi, oi! Whoa! Maybe later on, OK?

-Au revoir,

-my grunting brother.

-Au revoir.

And if you think that stinks, what about Stinkytown?

A town in the South of France

that produces rancid-smelling stinky cheese.

# Stinkytown is a place in the South of France

# Stinkytown smells of rancid old underpants

-# I'll take you there

-Where?

# I just told you - Stinkytown

# Stinkytown, Stinkytown

The smell of cheese is always on the air, yeah

# I smell like a bag of unwashed sportswear

-# I'll take you there

-Where?

-Stinkytown, Stinkytown

-# You love it there

-Where?

-Stinkytown, Stinkytown

-# Stinkytown

-Yeah!

-Stinkytown, Stinkytown

-# Stinkytown

-Where?

# Stinkytown. #

The Ministry isn't just home to curious facts, no!

You can find out about some very curious characters.

Like Wang, the Human Unicorn.

There really was a man from China called Wang,

and he had a 14-inch horn growing out of his head.

Wow! I had no idea that my horn had so many uses.

And have you ever heard of a lady with a beard? Well, hello.

-Are you who I think you are?

-Well, of course I'm who you think I am.

Annie Jones, America's favourite bearded lady. You're beautiful.

Mr Reeves!

It's interesting that you should think she's beautiful,

because there is an Italian phrase, "Donna barbuta, sempre piaciuta,"

which means, "everyone loves a woman with a beard."

What a coincidence! That's the title of my new hit single.

# Oh pretty baby My bearded lady

# The hairs on your chin drive me crazy

# For me nothing can replace That lovely bush on your face

# And it's growing longer each day

# Pretty baby My bearded lady

# Your whiskers are covered in gravy

# Porridge, ice cream and bits of margarine

# And I love you more each day

# Bearded lady

# My bearded lady

# My bearded lady. #

SMOOCHES

-You're a man.

-Pardon me? What was that? I was distracted.

-Yeah. I said, you're a man.

-Yeah, I'm a man. What of it?

Yeah. I knew you was a man!

Oh, did you now? What gave it away, the whiskers?

Something like that. Where's the real Annie Jones?

-She couldn't make it.

-Why?

-Had to go hospital.

-What for?

-She cut herself.

-How?

-Shaving.

-I was sure looking forward to meeting her.

-Get out of here.

-My pleasure.

-Yeah.

Get out of here, Mr Whoever-you-are.

'Not a lot of people know this, but hobbits are real -

'yes, like the Lord of the Rings creatures.

'They were an ancient species of humans called Homo floresiensis.'

A hobbit! 'Who lived over 20,000 years ago.

'They were tiny, with tiny heads, and tiny brains.'

So, what do I call you? The hobbit?

-Wee Bobby Hobnob? The Hobster?

-My name's Mike.

OK, Mike, what's Gandalf really like?

There's no such person as Gandalf.

Lord of the Rings was just a film. I'm a Homo floresiensis.

What does Gandalf smell of?

I imagine it's probably a combination of mint imperials,

-talcum powder and cabbage!

-I wouldn't know what he smells like.

I'm not in Lord of the Rings!

I'm from the year 20,000 BC!

Do you know what? I don't believe you're a hobbit.

I believe that you are a cheeky little impostor!

How dare you! I've never been so insulted in my tiny little life.

I come in here, you bang on about Lord Of The Rings,

then you call me a liar. It's cos I'm little, isn't it?

Well, I'm not taking this any longer.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, Mike the Hobbit.

Shut up!

I think you wasted that opportunity.

-You think?

-He was from 20,000 BC

-and you asked if his name was Hobnob.

-You might have a point.

Deeper into the Ministry, there's even more curious stuff to find out.

Like a creature with only one eye.

It's called a Cyclops and it's a monster.

But mythical and not real.

But there's an insect with 1,600 eyes - a fruit fly!

They really do exist.

You got one eye, I got loads, you are going down, my friend!

SPLAT!

Did you know this curious fact?

When astronauts visited the moon they played golf on it

and there are still golf balls hidden there in the craters.

Ooooh!

Here's an interesting titbit - Victorians thought

having a unibrow was a sign that you were a vicious criminal.

Aaaah, don't hurt me!

It's me, look!

Oh!

So, as you can see, the ministry is packed with curious facts but it's

not all fun and games - not when there's serious work to be done.

How's that report coming on, Length-Width?

Yes, five more minutes and I should have it completed. Nearly done.

Good.

SIZZLING Oh!

Phew.

SIZZLING

Ohhhhh!

FIZZING Oh!

-Is that you?

-Nothing to do with me.

What's going on here?

SIZZLING OHHHH! That was you!

Right, that's enough. Stop it!

-Nothing to do with me.

-I'm trying to finish this report

-you asked me to do.

-Carry on!

-I'm going to.

PROLONGED ZAPPING

FARTING

Yes! Right, watch this.

It's curiously true that the Ministry of Curious Stuff is

full of curious creature facts.

Like Turritopsis Nutricula.

A type of jellyfish which can regenerate like Dr Who

and live forever.

And the female preying mantis.

An insect who actually bites her boyfriend's head

clean off after mating.

Where's the head?

How about dugongs?

Dugongs are big ugly sea cows who were often mistaken for mermaids

by old sea mariners.

She's gorgeous!

Did you know that some birds are incredibly attractive creatures?

"The male peacock is much more attractive than the female.

"This is because the males have to compete for a female

"and the girl will often choose the best looking."

Imagine if it worked the same way for humans.

# Boys boys boys...

# Boys boys boys...

# Boys boys boys...

# Boys, sometimes a girl just needs one, yeah

# I need you, boys, to love her and to hold

# I just want you to touch me, boys

# When a girl is with one...

# Boys, then she is in control...

# ..So macho! He's gotta be...

# so macho

# He's gotta be big and strong

# Enough to turn...

MUSIC SCREECHES TO A HALT

Dolphins have the amazing ability to let one half of their brain

sleep whilst the other half is wide awake.

I wonder what he's dreaming about?

I'm dreaming you'll keep the flaming noise down, mate.

It's the middle of the night!

They can also sing higher than any other animal -

-even higher than Mariah Carey!

-SCREECHING

And cats have been considered clever enough to become spies.

Declassified documents have revealed that during the 1960s,

the CIA were hand-picking cats for a Top Secret experiment.

Miaow!

America's Cold War with Russia was a busy time for Top Secret spies.

America's CIA were surgically altering cats to become

sophisticated bugging devices.

They put batteries in the cat and wired him up.

Once released, this unique bugging device would send back

Top Secret information to American agents.

But Kitty would get hungry!

So they put another mechanism in the cat to override

the feeling of hunger. After several operations, 5 years' training

and £15 million spent, the bionic cat was ready.

The CIA drove the cat to a test area and released him.

The cat was struck by a taxi and died!

Did you know that cockroaches are one of the toughest

insects in the world?

They can survive for four weeks without a head.

Take my wallet, it's got nearly £7 in it, just don't hit my face!

Cockroaches aren't the only amazing insect.

There's a type of wasp in Costa Rica who can control

the minds of spiders. Imagine that! An hypnotic wasp!

Hello, little fellow, what's it like being a mind-control wasp?

Look into my eyes.

I'd rather not. I just want to ask the question.

I said look into my eyes.

All right then.

You are feeling sleepy.

I am the master and you are completely under my control. Say it.

-I am the master and you are completely under my control.

-No!

-You're under MY control.

-All right, what you said.

You will do everything I say. When you hear this piece of music...

LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

You will do a mystical little dance.

-Yes.

-And when I click my fingers

-you will completely forget this conversation took place.

-Yes.

-Good.

-So what's it like being a mind-control wasp?

LAUGHS MADLY

Wait till you hear about the brilliance of the humble ant.

An ant can lift twenty times its own body weight.

That's the same as you being able to lift a car with five people in it.

Yeah, looks like a problem with your exhaust, mate.

It'll take a week to get the parts.

If the same size as a man, it could run as fast as a race horse.

Good afternoon, lovely day for it.

And the ant has the biggest brain of all insects, in fact

a colony of ants has collectively the same size brain as a human.

Here in the Ministry there's lots of monkeying around.

Did you know that in India there's a monkey prison?

It was set up in 1996 for primates who are pests.

Flippin' 'eck, we've been rumbled.

Would you believe it? A chimp's even been into space.

Ham the chimp flew into space in 1961.

He even learnt how to work the levers in the space

rocket in return for banana treats.

# Space ape, space ape

# Guardian of the future

# Astral primate, primate primate

# Monkey style space cruiser

# Flying so high that your air supply

# Into manana with a bag of bananas

# Space ape, space ape, space ape

# Guardian of the future

# Astral primate, primate primate

# Monkey style space cruiser

# Flying so high with your air supply

# Into manana with a bag of bananas

# Space ape, space ape, space ape...

# Don't let us down

# Humanity depends...

# on you, on you. #

SHOUTING

Wonderful animal facts, all brought to you by our super brainy

and highly-paid researchers.

Now, Mr Reeves, I need a word with you, d'you understand me?

Now, look here! D'you understand me?

I've been working here at the Ministry for I don't kn...

Now, look here!

-Now, you look here!

-No, you look here!

-Look here!

-Look here!

I've been working at the Ministry for three months now

and I have not been paid for three months! Look here!

Look here! I need to buy food, I need to buy petrol,

I need to pay my rent.

Now, look here, I want you to sort this problem out.

Look here! I have been sorting this out. I've had a word with Accounts.

Look here. When you get paid, you give me a ring.

I'd like a nice gold one with a ruby stone in it.

After all you've done for me that's the least I could do.

-Look here!

-You look here!

And you! Look here! Look at this!

You lot, out there! Look here!

Here in the Ministry,

we're very brainy, so it goes without saying,

we know loads about science and stuff like that,

like the fact that scientists in America have created a frozen zoo

so they can freeze the DNA of endangered animals

and they can clone them and bring them back to life in the future.

You've defrosted my rare and extinct bumfluff owl!

'Scientists have even invented a robot

'to help you look after your home.'

'Do you need help around the home?

'Then what you need is the Home Assistant Robot.

'Made to Japanese design specifications,

'it will deal with all your chores.

'Using five cameras, six lasers and three fingers on each hand,

'it can do your laundry, wash your dishes and put them away.

'It can open and close doors and mop the floors.

'It really can do everything.

'Oh, yeah - batteries not included.'

Hark unto this -

top physicists think that time travel might be possible

if you can find something called a wormhole.

Hop in, you Muppet!

We're going back in time!

Right, hold on - what is that?

That's my wormhole! Come on!

I'm not getting in there! No way!

Of course, as well as a wormhole,

you'd need a time machine.

# We wish we had a time machine

# But we don't know where to begin

# Maybe make it out of shoe boxes

# Sellotape and some pigskin

# A coat hanger for an aerial

# And a Transit steering wheel

# Some egg boxes

# A peacock's feather

# And a bag of orange peel

# We get into our time machine

# And we travel to the past

# I'd harness the power of dinosaurs

# I'd make friends with some cowboys

# I'd marry Queen Victoria

# I'd turn the pyramids whoop-side down

# We wish we had a time machine

# But we don't know where to begin

# No way. #

But there is a way you can kind of time travel without a time machine.

When one side of the world is in daytime, the other is in night.

This creates different time zones around the world,

so all you need to travel through time is one of these!

Oooh!

So, if you've celebrated your birthday in Australia...

-AUSTRALIAN VOICE:

-Happy birthday!

..then got on a plane and flew to Hawaii,

it would be your birthday all over again,

as Hawaii's time zone is a day behind Australia.

Happy birthday...again.

We also know a thing or two about spooky-dooky mind stuff.

Like the fact that certain people think they can predict the future

by looking at sheep poo.

Hurry up, mate, it stinks!

And have you ever heard of uromancy? No?

Well, it's a way to predict someone's future by looking at

the bubbles in their wee.

GUSHING Lovely! Oh, yes, that's the ticket!

Bang on! Right there, right there.

-GUSHING STOPS Lovely.

-Finished?

GUSHING Hang on. Hold your horses.

'Some people believe you can predict the future

'listening to tummy rumbles and I am an expert in it.'

# In the middle of the night

# When your guts they are a-rumbling

# I can predict your future by your belly's g-g-grumbling

# Just lay down on this gurney with your belly to the sky

# And I'll listen with me trumpet

# Oh, my gosh! You're gonna die! #

What?!

-Just a joke.

-Well, that's not funny.

# Sorry, my friend Let me listen once again... #

RUMBLING, SQUELCHING

# I heard a double thundrel and a partial chuntra too

# And my prediction Captain Length-Width

# Is that you will visit the loo!

# That ain't no prediction, I could have told you just what that is

# For lunch this afternoon I had a dozen Jamaican patties... #

RUMBLING, SQUELCHING

PFFFRRRRRRT!

-VIC SNIFFS

-Spicy!

But delicious.

Captain Length-Width, we've had a lot of fun

at the Ministry of Curious Stuff, haven't we?

It's just been fun, fun, fun, Mr Reeves. In fact...

# We've had a laugh We've had some fun

# I've sung some songs

# I've chewed some gum

# I ate a cake

# A lemon puff

# Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff. #

ATONAL FANFARE

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

I can't breathe!

-I can't half dance well.

-Look that that.

Aarrrgh!

Get out of my canteen!

CAT YOWLS

I shall now attempt to saw through Captain Length-Width. There we are!

THEY LAUGH EVILLY

Oh, lovely!

-BANG!

-Ha-ha!

-Anyway, moving on...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about my legs?!

I don't think they'll grow back.

SCREAMING

-I'm really sorry, I didn't really mean it.

-That's OK.

Mr Reeves!

It's horrible! Oh, look!

It's my wife, Constance Length-Width! VIC LAUGHS

You look different, Mr Reeves. Have you done something to your hair?

-Shut up!

-Shut up, you!

LOUD FANFARE

-You look here!

-Look here!

-Look here!

You're right, she's AWFUL!

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

-We can work through this.

-I know.

You will let me know when my legs grow back, won't you?

-I promise you, you'll be the first to know.

-Thanks, Vic.

You're a real friend.

Good times, good ti... D'you remember the good times?

No.

D'you remember the good times, boys?

-BOTH: Nope.

-Yeah.

Remember the good times, Miss Teaparty?

No, not really.

You remember the good times?

No!

Well, anyway...Length-Width, Miss Teaparty,

Ministry,

as well as being my employees,

you've all become my very good friends and there's something

that I've got to tell you now and I don't quite know how to say it,

but I'm just going to come out and say it.

I'm going home for me tea. Good night.

'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

Goodbye, everyone!

From the Ministry of Curious Stuff!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd