Episode 12 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

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PHONE RINGS

At the Ministry of Curious Stuff, we seek to answer any question you ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call are our highly curious researchers -

Lovett, Wannamaker,

Frazernagle, Teaparty

and, of course, Captain Length-Width.

The Ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

'The working day will commence in ten seconds.

'Don't be late.'

'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Morning, everybody.

EVERYONE: Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-How do.

-Morning, Reeves.

-Good morn...

Length-Width, what are you doing?

-I've got a job with Lennox Lewis.

-Really? Cleaning his boxing gloves?

-No, cleaning his toilet.

-That's his boxing glove.

It is his boxing glove.

But it's also his toilet. MR REEVES LAUGHS

You mean Lennox Lewis uses a boxing glove as a toilet?

-Exactly.

-That's ridiculous.

-It's extraordinary.

-It is!

-And when I finish doing his, he asked me to do his son's as well.

-So the whole Lennox Lewis family use boxing gloves as toilets?

-Correct.

That's preposterous!

I don't think I've ever heard anything so ridiculous in my life!

-Whilst you're doing that, could you do my toilet please?

-Yes, of course.

Thank you so much. Now then... Mr Frazernagle, anyone on the lines?

-We've got a caller waiting for you on line two!

-Thank you very much.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-How can I help you?

-My name's Ellie. I have a question for you.

Who are better, boys or girls?

Ooh. Thank you, Ellie. Goodbye.

Ellie wants to know who are better, boys or girls?

-It's girls! No, no, no.

-Boys are better.

-Girls! Definitely girls!

-Boys are better!

-Captain Length-Width?

That's tricky. Boys are better at throwing things at stuff.

-Girls are better at throwing stuff at things.

-The yin and the yang.

-The ping and the pong.

-The ting and the tang.

-The sing and the song.

BOTH # And the way that you look at me. #

Right, let's do some work and find out the answer to Ellie's question.

Who's best, boys or girls?

The male peacock is much more attractive than the female,

because the males have to compete for a female.

-The girl chooses the best looking.

-That's true for a lot of animals.

Imagine if it worked that way for humans!

We can demonstrate that with the help of my dowdy female, Kim.

Ooh.

'Dowdy woman loading in C1.'

This is how the more attractive male peacocks attract said dowdy female.

-Music, please, Miss Wannamaker.

-Right, Mr Reeves.

# Boys! Boys! Boys!

# Boys! Boys! Boys!

# Boys! Boys! Boys! #

# Boys, sometimes a girl just needs one

# Yeah, I need you Boys, to love her and to hold

# I just want you to touch me Boys, when a girl is with one

# Boys, then she is in control. #

# So macho He's gotta be

# So macho He's gotta be

# Big and strong, enough to turn... #

I'll see you later.

Clearly overwhelmed.

-Utterly.

-Well, I think that that display of super male prowess

proves that boys are better than girls.

-Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

-Back at ya.

-Respect is due.

Right, OK, so there's one point to the boys.

I think Ellie wants more facts on this question - boys versus girls.

Well, in the insect world, girls are definitely the toughest.

-A praying mantis would make a terrible girlfriend.

-Why?

A female, after having mated, rips off and eats her boyfriend's head.

That's astonishing. I was on holiday with a pair of praying mantises.

-In Corfu. Rod and Pat.

-Oh!

-Rod and Pat!

-Do you know them?

No.

-Do you want to see the holiday snaps?

-Yes.

Put your goggles on.

There's me and Rod and Pat on the coach.

That looks brilliant.

-Me and Rod and Pat by the pool.

-Nice tight Speedos, Mr Reeves.

Thank you. What's next? Yeah, that's me and Rod and Pat after dinner.

-Oh, dear.

-Mr Reeves?

-Yes.

-Where's the head?

Yeah.

That caused a few problems because Rod was driving home that night.

Anyway, we've had one fact

that proves girls are the toughest and the bestest.

Anything to help the boys?

Well, Mr Reeves, here's the curious story of Pirate Bonny,

-a fearsome swashbuckler who ruled the waves.

-There we are.

One more to the boys. A fearsome pirate, ha ha ha!

-I knew it! Boys are the best!

-Scoundrels.

-I believe boys are...

-Calm down everyone!

Pirate Bonny was actually...

-a woman.

-A woman?

A woman?

-A woman pirate? That's amazing. Tell me more.

-It IS amazing.

Anne Bonny was a 17th-century pirate.

She would disguise herself as a man and join pirate ships.

How did she get away with that?

Anne was so ferocious, other pirates thought she was a man.

She became known for her explosive temper and violent fighting.

Not ladylike, if you ask me.

And none of these fearsome pirates could spot that she was a woman?

What stupid, stupid pirate idiots they must have been!

-So, Mr Reeves, you could identify a woman pirate?

-Oh, yes!

Without any hesitation.

Mr Reeves, there's a rowdy bunch coming through X5.

'Rowdy bunch loading in X5.'

Rowdy!

Go on, Mr Reeves. Tell us which is the woman pirate.

Right, so, um...

One of these is a lass.

-Have you any ideas?

-I've no idea.

No.

-CHUCKLES:

-No.

Ah.

Hm.

No.

No.

No.

Ah! Now then! You can't pull the wool over my eyelids!

You are the woman. Pull off that ridiculous fake beard!

Now! Pull it off! Pull it off, woman!

Touch my beard again and I'll throw you to the sharks. Took ages.

So you're a man?

-What? You saying I'm not manly? What you saying?

-No, no!

You're a very manly pirate. Phwar!

So which one of you is the woman?

I am!

Well, I should have guessed. You're very beautiful, madam.

Men!

What an absolutely terrifying bunch and I'm still no wiser.

Who's better, boys or girls? Length-Width, what do you think?

-I don't know.

-Have you asked Keith?

-Ah, no.

What do you think, Keith?

It's boys.

According to Keith. But who is it? Boys or girls?

ALL SHOUT OUT

All right. Thank you. Teaparty, one final fact, please.

-I have found a very curious fact about clownfish.

-Ooh.

'A family of clownfish is always headed by the female.

'If the female leaves...'

You lot are driving me mad. Bye.

Mum?

'..a male clownfish will actually turn himself into a girl

'to become head of the family.'

Dad?

Call me Mummy now. Who wants fish fingers for dinner?

Clownfish can switch between being lad and lass, so no-one's better.

In the insect world,

female insects are quite often tougher than male insects.

In the animal world, the peacock is quite obviously the better looking.

In the pirate world, frankly, I haven't a clue!

Just remind me again, sir. What's our answer?

It seems no-one's better. Boys are good and girls are good.

Sorry I can't be more specific.

Both of them can do pretty awesome things.

-Glad that's been cleared up, then.

-I'm glad as well.

Can you get those findings off to Ellie, please, Miss Teapot?

Party.

-Party.

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

'Attention! Attention! Flying Postal Services entering the Ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel on arrival.

'Postal person descending.

'Please stand back.

'Postal service reaching its destination

'in three, two, one.'

FANFARE: "Rule Britannia"

'Postal services departing. Stand clear.

'Post will be delivered in approximately two minutes

'and 32 seconds.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

Fare thee well. Once again, goodbye.

Come on, then. Let's have another question. Let's not dilly-dally.

-Let's not shilly-shally.

-Let's not shilly shally.

Let's not dilly-dally.

BOTH # And don't come a-knocking at my door after midnight

# Don't come a-knocking at my door

-# Have a banana

-How's your auntie?

# All right. # HONK

Now, Mr Frazernagle, anyone on the lines?

We have another call coming through on line one.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How can I be of assistance?

My name is Nathan and my question is do animals have best friends?

Thank you very much for that question, Nathan. Goodbye.

What a succulent question from Nathan. Can animals be best friends?

What do you think, Captain Length-Width?

Well, this is Angela. She's my best friend.

-What is it?

-Ooh! "What is it?" Don't listen to him, Angela.

He's a beast. It's a catguin.

-A what?

-A catguin.

-A penguin cat?

-Catguin.

-Patguin?

-Patguin.

-Right.

Some say that dog is man's best friend but I have a curious story

which suggest dolphins are our real BFFs.

-What?

-BFF.

-What's that?

-Best friends forever.

Me and Miss Wannamaker are best friends forever.

BFFs!

-The switchboard's mine.

-Let's get back to these dolphins.

Dolphins once protected a man who fell into shark-infested waters.

Really? I'm intrigued - up to the top of my trousers and beyond.

And with the help of MY BFF, Captain Length-Width...

Hello.

..I shall recreate that moment,

using the Vic Reeves Miniature Theatre.

Oooh!

Presenting, The Day The Australian Fell Into The Sea

or A Dolphin's Tale.

A man from Australia was stranded at sea after his boat upturned.

Oh, no! Me dinghy's upturned!

What a predicament!

He could see sharks circling around him.

Stone the crows!

Look! There's a, er...

shark and it's cycling around me.

Not "cycling". They were circling around him.

Ah, yes. Makes more sense.

Ah, strewth! Look at that!

He feared it was only a matter of time before the sharks attacked.

But a group of dolphins appeared and chased the sharks away.

Hey, you guys! You know the deal! No sharks allowed! This is our patch.

Now get on your bikes and do one.

All right, big guy. You're the boss.

-You know how we roll here.

-Don't push me.

-You know how we roll.

Mr Reeves, can we move on, if you're finished playing with your toys?

These are not toys, madam. This is theatre.

The Vic Reeves Miniature Theatre, on tour round the UK.

-Thousands of tickets still available.

-Mr Reeves!

That was a brilliant story, but do any other animals have best friends?

There's the story of Tara and Bella, who started an unlikely friendship

because Tara is an elephant and Bella is a dog.

EVERYONE: Ah!

They met at an elephant sanctuary in Tennessee, USA.

They did everything together. Then Bella suffered a spinal injury.

ALL SOB

Why?

< But don't worry.

Tara was there by her side every step of the way

until Bella regained her health.

That's one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard!

I'd love to meet this wonderful pair.

-Tara and Bella coming through G1, Mr Reeves.

-No? Really?

'BFFs loading in G1.'

-I'll never forget that thing you said about me.

-What thing?

It's not important right now.

-Are you texting Darren?

-Yeah.

-Don't text Darren.

-I'm gonna say you like him.

-I don't want you to do that...

They're having a disagreement. We'll come back to them later.

Mr Lovett, have you any more information about animal friends?

Well, Mr Reeves, here's a curious story about some friendly bees.

Margaret Bell kept bees seven miles from her home in Shropshire.

Hiya.

In June 1994, she died.

Oh.

At her funeral, mourners were amazed to see hundreds of bees

settle opposite the house where she'd lived for 26 years.

What an odd occurrence!

Were these bees paying their respects to their friend, Margaret,

or was it just a coincidence?

We've heard about mourning bees

and protective dolphins.

I think we've learned that, like us,

animals form relationships and have friends.

I hate you so much! You're, like, the worst person I've ever met!

-Get your hands off me!

-Right, that is it! Get off me!

I've had it with you.

You're the worst person I've ever met.

Right!

That's it! Right! I'm taking you down, my friend!

We are going outside!

I've never seen anything like that before in my life.

-Neither have I.

-That was worth the licence fee alone.

Miss Teaparty, could you get that to Nathan at your leisure?

'Attention, Flying Postal Services has arrived.

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

'your number one aerial courier.'

Farewell. What's the time? It's half past question time!

Let's have another question.

-We have another brilliant caller on line three.

-Thank you, Frazernagle.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of charity to you?

Hello. My name's Sophie. I'd like to ask you this question.

-What is the strangest thing you can wear?

-Thank you, Sophie.

Goodbye.

Sophie wants to know what's the strangest thing you could wear.

-So, team, what garment-based facts have we got today?

-Well, Mr Reeves.

This garment here caused quite a commotion.

In 1797, Londoners had never seen a top hat before.

When a man wore one, everyone was so shocked

-the police arrested the man for trying to scare people.

-No?

Crikey! What an interesting fact!

Not only is it interesting,

-it's curious!

-RUMBLING

Brace yourselves!

Stations, everyone!

'A man in old-fashioned clothing is standing outside in a London street.

'All is good. He calmly puts on his new top hat.

'As he breathes in the morning...' SCREAMING

SCREAMS

-Freeze! Put the hat on the floor!

-SIRENS BLARE

I said, put the hat on the floor!

Put your hands in the air.

Dance around like you just don't care.

DISCO MUSIC

Who'd have thought that the top hat could cause such a catastrophe?

It's not weird nowadays, is it? It's simply spiffing.

-What, what?

-Pip, pip. Not weird enough to answer Sophie's question.

What is the strangest garment of all?

Here's an item of clothing made in Japan

-which is strange AND practical - the air-conditioned shirt.

-Ooh.

The Japanese have created a shirt with built-in air conditioning.

It's got fans under the armpits

that are powered by the USB connection on a computer.

The fact of the matter is, in this shirt, you'll be REALLY cool.

Very good.

Good for BO.

Vaguely practical and just a little bit strange.

But if we want unique, I think we should look over here

towards Captain Length-Width, who's a unique dresser, aren't you?

-What's that?

-You're a unique dresser.

-Oh, yes.

-In fact, I dress myself every day.

-Really?

-You're wearing something unique right now.

-That's correct.

-See if you can guess what it is.

-Let me just scan you.

-Is it something to do with the face?

-That's correct.

-Check out the mouse-skin eyebrows. 100% mouse, don't you know?

-Yeah.

Told ya. Absolutely unique!

Actually, Mr Reeves, it's a curious fact that in the 18th century,

it was the height of fashion to wear eyebrows made out of mouse skin.

You're kidding? Captain Length-Width isn't going to let us down.

He's got more to offer.

Tell us about more of your unique and strange clothing.

Let me scan ya.

-Wow!

-I know! Check out my snazzy banana waistcoat.

-How about my wonderful waffle trousers?

-How did I miss those?

Totally unique fashion.

Well, um... Actually, Mr Reeves,

in 2009, photographer Ted Sabarese and designer Ami Goodheart

created a range of clothing from food, including a banana waistcoat

and waffle trousers.

Do you know what? I can see a pattern forming here.

-Have you got any other strange and unique clothing?

-You bet ya.

-Check out this glove.

-Wow! Cool!

-Yeah. Do you know what this is?

-No.

All this is is a glove with a scouring pad glued on it.

Wow! So all you need to do to make strange and unique clothing

is glue rubbish onto your existing clothes.

-If only it were that easy.

-Have you got anything else?

Yeah. Do you know what that is?

A cup with sweet wrappers in it.

Ha ha. As if. No way.

This is my hat.

Totally unique fashion!

-Surely you can't top that.

-Oh, yes, I can, baby.

-Oh, really?

-Check this out!

My million-pound pair of diamond underpants!

-Wha...?

-Wow!

Wow!

MUSIC STARTS

# No more for him a grubby pair of Y-fronts

# Now that he owns these undies made of diamonds

# Look at them sparkling whilst he is cycling

# Look at them sparkling whilst he is gargling

# His million-pound pair of underpants

# He no wear no more no shabby scruffy boxers

# Now that he owns his diamond knickerbockers

# Look at them gleaming whilst he is cleaning

# Look at them twinkle whilst he eats his winkles

# His million-pound pair of underpants

# His million-pound pair of underpants. #

So, can we answer Sophie's question?

You can wear anything, from waffle trousers to mice eyebrows.

Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat!

But it's hard to say which is the strangest outfit.

Our advice is, wear what you like and be original.

Wise words indeed, Miss Teaparty. But the Ministry of Curious Stuff

cannot be held accountable for what you wear.

Let that be known as a fact.

-So get those facts off to Sophie.

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

-Bye bye.

'Attention, Ministry. The working day is over.'

Well, what another exciting day.

Exciting! Exciting! Exciting!

And that's what I like to see from you people, but what have we learnt?

'Reassessing curious stuff.'

Ellie asked who are better, boys or girls?

We found out that male peacocks are better looking than females.

And that the female praying mantis bites off her boyfriend's head.

And we met burly pirate Bonny, who was a woman.

You're very beautiful, madam.

So boys and girls are equally good.

Nathan wanted to know if animals have best friends.

We heard about the dolphin who rescued his human buddy...

Get on your bikes and do one!

..the bees who turned up at a friend's funeral,

and we met a dog and an elephant who are BFFs.

In answer to Nathan's question - yes, animals do have best friends.

Sophie asked what's the strangest thing you can wear?

We discovered that top hats were once a shocking fashion choice.

Put the hat on the floor!

In the 18th century it was cool to wear mouse-skin eyebrows.

100% mouse, don't you know?

And designers can make clothes from anything,

including a banana waistcoat and waffle trousers.

So it seems you can wear some very strange things indeed.

Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.

'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for me tea!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd