Episode 11 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call are our highly curious researchers -

Lovett, Wannamaker,

Frazernagle, Teaparty and, of course,

Captain Length-Width.

-The ministry is a thinking facility that helps US to find YOU an answer.

-PHONE RINGS

-ANNOUNCER:

-'The working day will commence in ten seconds.

'Don't be late.

'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Morning, everybody!

ALL: Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, good morning, what a lovely day, my bunch of beauties.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Ah, Length-Width.

-Come here, I've got something I'd like to show you.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I'd like to see it, what is it?

I think this might go down quite well on Britain's Got Talent.

Right, well, fire away, let's see.

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

HE IMITATES OWL

-That's extraordinary.

-It is extraordinary.

-Let me try.

Go on, you have a go.

HE EXHALES NOISILY

-That's rubbish.

-I can't do it. Show me again, I'm a first-timer.

IMITATES OWL

It's good, isn't it? You could be out in the forest.

-EXHALES NOISILY

-Terrible. Rubbish.

-Are you doing it on your own?

-Of course I do.

-Show me again!

-I do it with my hand.

-Show me again.

IMITATES OWL

Really.

Wait a minute.

-What's this?

-What are you doing?

-What's this?

-What? I can't see anything.

-What is it?

-What?

-That.

-I don't know what you're looking at.

-There.

-Right there in front of me.

-It's an owl.

BLAST OFF SOUND EFFECT

AMERICAN ACCENT: Take care up there, you're a brave guy.

-MAN:

-To infinity, and a little bit further than that.

-Good luck on that mission.

-Conquistadors of space.

But you, you are a fraud.

You're an owl-hooting, to-wit-to-woo fake

and I hold you entirely responsible for my downfall.

-That's a bit harsh, isn't it?

-Yes, I suppose it was.

-Back to work.

-Right.

Any questions, please, Mr Frazernagle?

Yes, of course. Someone on line four, I'll put you straight through.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of INSISTENCE?

Hello, my name's Apollo and my question is, can animals have jobs?

Very good question. Cheers, bonny lass. Ta-ta, like.

Can animals have jobs?

Well, here's a curious fact, Mr Reeves.

Cats used to work in the Post Office.

Cats! Working in the Post Office? That's ridiculous.

-I've never heard any more ludicrous in my life!

-It's true.

-It's not true. It's absolute codswallop.

-Post for you, Mr Reeves.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Cheers, Roy, See ya.

-See ya, mate.

-All right. Absolute crazy madness.

-I get it!

It says here that cats were appointed by the Post Office

to catch mice in 1868

and were paid a food allowance of one shilling a week.

One shilling. Curiously, that's how much I pay Captain Length-Width

for catching mice for me.

-Shush.

-What?

-They can smell your fear.

-Is it obvious?

-It is this morning, it's a little warm in here.

Right. Come on, what have we got? Animals with jobs.

There is the story of the turnspit dog.

-Turn what?

-Spit.

HE SPITS

-CLANG!

-The turnspit dog?

-The turnspit dog.

-Tell me more, tell me more.

Like, does he have a car?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

-NARRATOR:

-Back in the 18th and 19th century,

turnspit dogs, also known as kitchen dogs,

were made to run in a big-wheel contraption to turn cooking meat.

DOG: I hate this job!

Turnspits were a breed of dog with short, little legs and long bodies.

Unfortunately, as technology improved,

the dogs were replaced with machines

and the turnspit breed became extinct.

DOG HOWLS

-HE SOBS

-Poor little dog.

Come on, what more intriguing info have we got

on animals with jobs?

Mr Reeves, here's a curious fact.

Victorians who couldn't afford chimney sweeps

would drop a goose down the chimney to clean it with its wings.

-Get outta here!

-Well, fine,

I was the only doing my job. Some people.

No, no, no.

No, stay where you are, it's just a turn of phrase.

There's something really feathery in Y15, Mr Reeves.

'Something feathery loading in Y15.'

Well, cor blimey, guv'nor, as I live and breathe,

if it ain't Mary Poppins from Old London Town.

It ain't Mary Poppins from Old London Town, it's Vic Reeves

from the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Oh, sorry guv'nor,

I've only gone and got the wrong bloomin' chimney!

You couldn't give me a shove back up, could ya?

Course I could. 'Ere, get up there, you cheeky goosey gander.

With that information, we can conclude that animals

have had plenty of jobs throughout history,

from the postal-working cat to the chimney-sweeping goose.

But never, never, never

employ a horse to do your accounts.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Why is that? Is it cos they ain't got the calculators?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Ooh, they got the calculators.

-Can they do the maths?

-They can do the math.

-Then what the problem?

They don't got fingers 'pon their hooves.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Sean, with regret, you're fired.

SEAN NEIGHS

Miss Teaparty, get that information off with gusto. Thank you.

Right away, Mr Reeves.

-BING BONG

-'Attention. Attention.

'Flying Postal Services entering the Ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel

'upon arrival.

'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

'Please stand back.

'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'

MUSIC: "Rule Britannia"

'Postal Services departing. Stand clear.

'Post will be delivered

'in approximately 2 minutes and 32 seconds.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

Farewell, Postie, farewell.

Right, that's that done.

Mr Frazernagle, who else have we got on the lines?

Putting you through, Mr Reeves.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. This is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I help you?

Hello, my name is Mila.

I was wondering, are twins magic?

Thank you, Mila, for a very good question.

Thank you, goodbye, goodbye.

Well, Mila wants to know - are twins magic?

Well, what we need is a pair of twins. Oh!

-It's the Von Twinkle twins!

-BOTH: Hello, Mr Reeves.

Hello.

The amazing, magical Von Twinkle twins are going to show us

an incredible magic trick. Is that right?

-Can we have a volunteer?

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello, sir, what's your name and where are you from?

My name is Vic Reeves and I'm from the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Have you got a pocket watch we can borrow for a trick?

-I have. Look at that.

-Thank you very much.

Now, we will place the watch in the hanky.

We will then destroy the pocket watch with these two hammers.

TINKLING

Let us see.

Ooh!

BOTH: Ta-da!

-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE

Aren't you going to magic it back together again?

Why should we do that?

Because that's how the trick ends.

-HE SOBS

-My beautiful pocket watch!

It was an heirloom. Who showed you this trick?

-BOTH:

-Him!

-Well done, girls.

Captain Length-Width! I might have guessed.

I might have guessed. You messed that up.

They're supposed to put it back together at the end.

That's what you'd expect, but this is magic,

you must expect the unexpected.

-Woo-hoo.

-Oh, yeah!

Like that trick you did on me when you tied my legs in knots.

-I couldn't walk for a year.

-That wasn't magic, was it?

It was yoga.

Whatever you call it, I couldn't do the marathon.

-I was the laughing stock.

-There is no pleasing you.

-No, there isn't.

BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES

Well, up to now, it seems twins aren't magic.

But where have they gone? What have you done with them?

-Mr Reeves, have you heard about the balloon buddies?

-No, I haven't.

Ah, well, in 2001, Laura Buxton released a helium balloon

with her name and address attached, asking someone to write back.

-Ooh.

-Something like this.

Mon Dieu, la ballon rouge!

Ten days later, she got a reply from another Laura Buxton 140 miles away.

Both Lauras were aged ten and had the same colour hair.

And both had a three-year-old black Labrador, a guinea pig,

and a rabbit. How sweet(!)

BALLOON POPS

Very spooky and a little bit magical, but they're not twins.

We need to answer Mila's question - are twins magic?

Ah, Mr Reeves, here's the curious story of the identical twins,

separated at birth, who led next-to identical lives.

Now, I'm interested.

NARRATOR: 'Two twin boys were separated at birth.'

Do you mind, we were having a private conversation?

'They didn't meet up again until there were 39 years old.

'When they did, they discovered they'd lived nearly identical lives.

'Unknown to each other,

'both their adopted families had named the boys Jim.

'Both had law-enforcement training,

'and each married a woman named Linda.'

Do you, Jim, take Linda to be your lawful wedded wife?

BOTH: I do.

'They both had sons and named them James Alan.

'The twin brothers also divorced their Lindas

'and married other women, both named Betty.'

-I think this is your one.

-'And that's not all.'

'They both owned dogs named Toy

'and they both had the strange habit

'of flushing the toilet before they used it.'

How is that possible?

-I don't know.

-Maybe it's magic.

Possibly.

Mr Reeves, the oldest identical twins ever are Gin, who reach 108,

and Kin, who reached 107.

Mind your back, Mr Reeves,

there's a strong smell of biscuits coming through E11.

'Oldest twins loading in E11.'

You must be Gin and Kin, the oldest twins ever.

What's it like being the oldest twins ever?

-BOTH: What?

-I said, what's it's like being the oldest twins ever?

BOTH: What?

-HE SHOUTS:

-What's it like being the oldest twins ever?

What did he say?

What's it like being the oldest twins ever?

He said you've got the mouldiest bins, Trevor.

-Who's clever?

-What?

Goodbye, Gin and Kin, the oldest twins ever. Clear off.

Who was that?

-I tell you what, son, they're hard work.

-It is hard work, innit, babes?

-Right hard work. Cor!

-Come on, give us some more magic-twin facts.

Have you heard the fact about mirror twins, Mr Reeves?

-Maybe. Depends who's asking.

-Well, I am.

-Well, no, then.

Right.

About a quarter of identical twins are mirror twins.

So one might be right-handed and the other left.

In theory, if they faced each other,

they would look like exact reflections of themselves.

-Mr Lovett, if you please.

-Yes, she's right.

Some even mirror each other on the inside,

if you'd care to take a look.

Sounds 'orrible.

Now, in this case, we can see the heart,

liver and all internal organs are all mirror images of each other.

That's nothing special. The Von Twinkle twins have mirror organs.

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

So we've compiled all the information, what are the results?

Are twins magic?

Well, Mr Reeves, although twins are certainly fascinating,

they're not magical, unless they're magicians.

Yes, which these two most certainly are not.

That reminds me, I need to find a watch-repair shop.

BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES

Can you get the information off to Mila as quickly as possible?

Consider it done, Mr Reeves.

Thank you.

THEY BLOW RASPBERRIES

'Flying Postal Services has arrived.

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

'your number one aerial courier.'

Zoom on, zoom on.

Bull's-eye! Wake up.

What a beautiful tasty morsel.

Right, I'm off to the canteen. Anybody want anything?

Teaparty? No? Want anything, Length-Width?

Yes, um...

Er...

-Nothing.

-Right, OK.

Hello, Mr Reeves.

-Hello, Mrs Dollop.

-It's Mrs Doll-OPE.

-Yes. Well.

What's delicious grub have you got?

I've got a lovely egg for you.

It's a century egg from China.

Go on, darling, try it.

-You try it.

-No, try it!

-Mm-hm.

It looks so weird and stinks so bad because it's been left in clay

and ash for months and months and months.

The yolk turns green

and the white turns black. Delish!

SHE CACKLES

No! It's horrible.

It's horrible!

It's beautiful! Don't diss it.

Do you know what can do, cos you're starting to smell,

get out of my canteen!

I think I'll leave it.

Ah, lovely. Hm.

HE GROANS

Frazernagle, have we got anyone else on the line

for a final question?

We certainly do, Mr Reeves. Putting you through to Ella

on line two.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How can I, ah-ha, er, help you?

Hello, my name is Ella I ask you a question, please?

Can you marry a house?

Thank you very much, very good question.

Goodbye and good luck.

Very good question. Can you marry a house?

-Can you marry a house? Can you marry a car?

-A-hooch a-hatch a-hoocha.

And a high cha-cha.

-Good. Can you marry a house?

-This is very curious, Mr Reeves.

It says here that, in 2007, a Chinese man married himself.

-Married himself?!

-He also wore a suit

and brought along a cardboard cut-out of himself

wearing a wedding dress.

A wedding dress?!

How intriguing. And curious.

Brace yourself!

Stations, everyone!

MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus"

-HE LAUGHS

-What's it like being married to a cardboard cut-out of yourself?

Oh, it's bliss.

It's absolute bliss.

We never argue, we never fight

and, er, I'm a very good listener.

-Are you?

-Sorry, what?

-Never mind.

Where have you been all my life? Hello, beautiful.

Oh, the silent type. Come on, it's only Captain Length-Width.

Length-Width, leave the cardboard cut-out alone.

You be quiet. You're just jealous because I get all the girls.

-(Call me.)

-Sorry about this.

Don't worry about it. It's fine.

It's not like I'm going to run off with another man, is it?

Oh, I don't believe it. I've left myself.

Oh. Oh, that's awful.

HE SOBS

-So you called me. You did the right thing.

-Oi! Oi, oi, oi!

-Oi, oi, oi, oi!

-What?

-What?!

-What do you think you're playing at?

I am trying very hard, if you don't mind, to go out with that person.

That poor man back there is absolutely beside himself.

And now you, YOU, are beside himself there.

-It's very confusing.

-I know it's confusing!

-Let me just work.

-It's all confusing.

So how about you and I go and see Matt Cardle?

Just... Just say something! Just give me a sign.

Ooh! Well, that's marrying yourself,

but what we want to know is, can you marry a house?

We haven't quite found a house, Mr Reeves, but listen to this.

Andy Park is a man who's been celebrating Christmas every day

since 1993.

In 2010, he revealed he is planning to marry his Christmas tree.

Christmas tree! Don't get any ideas, Length-Width.

Here comes something Chrismassy.

'Andy Park loading in G1.'

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart... #

Well, you look like a couple who are really in love.

How did you get together?

Actually, Vic, what happened were...

Oh, do want me to tell it, or do you? OK, I will.

All right. I will. What happened were,

we were walking in a forest

and our eyes met across a crowded glade.

-Across a crowded glade!

-And that were it.

We were in love. That were it.

-Marvellous.

-What?

Stop it, you!

The relationship is really going well.

Actually, if you don't mind,

-I'd like to take this opportunity...

-No! You're not?!

I am.

Christmas tree, would you do me the honour?

HE SOBS

-Ah!

-Lovely.

-Nice.

Aww!

Do you know, I think those crazy kids might just make it.

Bonkers. Absolute madness.

Mad.

(Has she got a sister?)

It's a tree.

Er, I know.

-It's a tree.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Andy Park and his tree fiancee.

So we've had a man who's married himself,

a man who's married a tree,

but the question is,

can you marry a house?

Well, nothing about houses as yet, Mr Reeves,

but have you heard about dog weddings?

'Are your dogs in love?

'Then surely a dog wedding is the only logical step.

'They'll be dressed in designer bride-and-groom outfits.

'They'll enjoy exchanging collars.

'A dog friendly wedding cake.

'And a delightful marriage certificate.

'Dog weddings - they won't have a clue what's going on.'

Well, that was very informative.

Mr Reeves, did you know that a woman married the Berlin Wall?

The Berlin Wall? That huge wall, 87 miles long,

that separated East and West Germany until 1989?

-So you've heard of it, then?

-No, just a wild guess!

HE LAUGHS

Yes, that was the Berlin Wall.

Mrs Berlin Wall was married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years,

but, sadly, they split up.

-Oh, no. Why?

-She fell in love with a garden fence.

Oh, no, that poor, poor concrete partition,

losing the love of his life over a fence.

I'd like to speak to that cold-hearted woman.

Here she comes, Mr Reeves!

'Mrs Berlin Wall loading in X1.'

Ah, Mrs Berlin Wall.

Ooh, you... So what's this fence got that the Berlin Wall hasn't?

Well, he's strong and reliable.

He has a firm partition and smooth finish.

And look at the paint job, it's water resistant.

-What's not to love?

-It looks like a bit of old fence to me.

-That's offensive.

-No!

That's a fence...

..ive. Ha!

Come along, Fence, we don't have to listen to this, let's go.

I couldn't marry a wall, nor could I marry a fence,

but I'm very partial to my front door.

In fact, we get on like a house on fire,

and I'm thinking of popping the question.

-Really?

-Everybody, I'm going to get married to me front door!

No!

-APPLAUSE

-Congratulations, sir.

MUSIC PLAYS

# You're the one that I adore

# Even though you are a door

# I love you from afar

# Even when you are ajar

# Want to make you mine

# Your hinges are divine

# I have your key

# Please marry me

# I love your panelling

# I love your cat flap

# I love your keyhole

# I love your door knob

# If you marry me

# We'll be as happy as can be

# Your door knob will shine

# And the door bells

# They will chime... #

DOOR BELLS CHIME

So, do we have an answer to this frankly perplexing question?

Can you marry a house?

Well, the law says that marriage has to be

between two consenting adults, so, if you marry a house,

-it won't be legally recognised.

-But, Mr Reeves, having said that,

you can hold a celebratory ceremony

to say you're married to anything you like,

so, yes, you can marry house.

Good. You can marry a house.

OK, can you get those findings off instantly, please, Miss Tea Garden.

-Party.

-Yes.

Right-oh, Mr Reeves.

-BING BONG

-'Attention, Ministry, the working day is over.'

Before I go off on my honeymoon, what have we learned?

'Reassessing curious stuff.

'Apollo wanted to know if animals can have jobs.

'We found out that cats worked for the Post Office.'

Cheers, Roy, see ya.

'Turnspit dogs worked in Victorian kitchens.

'And geese were used to clean chimneys.'

Get up there, get up there, you cheeky goosey gander.

'So, yes, animals do have jobs.

'Mila asked - are twins magic?

'We met the world's oldest twins, Gin and Kin.'

What's it like being the oldest twins ever?!

What did he say?

'And discovered identical twins with identical lives.

'So, Mila, twins are pretty impressive, but they're not magic.'

BOTH: Ta-da!

'Ella asked, can you marry a house?

'We met the man who married himself,

'the guy who married his Christmas tree...'

Would you do me the honour?

HE SOBS

'..and the lady who married a wall.'

Ooh! You...

'It turns out you can marry what you like, so I married my front door.'

OK, people, I'm off on my honeymoon with my front door.

-Goodbye, everyone.

-'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Stand by, everyone.

I'm going up for me tea.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd