Episode 10 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call are our highly curious researchers, Lovett, Wannamaker,

Frazernagle, Tea Party and, of course, Captain Lengthwidth.

The ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

-TANNOY:

-'The working day will commence in ten seconds.

'Don't be late.

'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-Good morning, everybody!

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-What's that?

-What?

-That!

-Oh, that?

-Is that what I think it is?

-It's my new plunger, Reeves. My new plunger.

-Beautiful.

-Yes, isn't it?

-Beautiful.

-£500.

-Really?

-Would you like to plunge?

-I haven't plunged for long time.

-Why ever not?

-I don't have a sink any more. I send all my washing up out.

-I see.

-But it's a beautiful-looking plunger.

-Yes!

-May I?

-Really?

-Can I?

-Please do.

BOOMING

What was that?

-I've wired it up to my dishwasher.

-And that was your...?

-It was rather loud.

-Yes, well, that's where I keep all my dynamite.

-You keep your dynamite in your dishwasher?

-Yes.

-You stupid man!

Well, where do you keep yours?

Well, like any sensible person, up me chimney.

BOOMING

Washing machine.

Frazernagle, can we have the first question, please?

They're going absolutely wild, Mr Reeves!

I'll put you through to someone on line four.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. This is Vic Reeves here, at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of assistance to you today?

Oh, hi, it's me, Helia.

I just want to know, can you predict the future?

Thank you, Helia. Good luck. Goodbye.

Helia wants to know, can anyone predict the future?

I can predict the future.

-You can predict the future?

-Yes, I can predict the future.

You can't predict the future.

There's only one man that I'm aware of who can predict the future.

-Do you mean...?

-Yes! BOTH: Russell Grant.

So, you reckon you can predict the future. What is this prediction?

I predict, that in the very near future,

I'll have to visit the toilet.

But you can't be sure of that! You can't be sure!

There's only one man who can be sure of that. BOTH: Russell Grant.

So, tell me about this prediction. How does it look?

Very...very messy.

I don't like the sound of that.

OK, now I'm going to make a prediction.

I predict that Mr Frazernagle is going to offer me up

a very, very curious question.

-Aren't you?

-I do have a curious fact.

Some people believe you can tell a person's fortune

from listening to their tummy rumbling.

So you can predict the future by listening

to somebody's belly rumbles?

I don't know. I can kind of believe it.

-Shall we put it to the test.

-Why not?

# In the middle of the night when your guts they are a-rumbling

# I can predict your future by your bellies gr-gr-grumbling

# Just lie down on this gurney with your belly to the sky

# And I'll listen with me trumpet

# Oh, my gosh, you're going to die! #

What!

Just a joke.

Well, that's not funny.

# Sorry, my friend. Let me listen once again #

FLATULENT GURGLING

WATERY RUMBLES

# I heard a double thundral and a partial chundra too

# And my prediction, Captain Lengthwidth

# Is that you will visit the loo

# That ain't no prediction, I could have told you just what that is

# For lunch this afternoon, I had a dozen Jamaican patties. #

FLATULENT GURGLING

-Spicy.

-But delicious!

Well, my psychic powers tell me

that you've got a nice curious fact for me, Mr Lovett.

-Can we predict the future?

-Incredible, Mr Reeves.

Did you know in Central Asia there's a form of fortune telling

called Kumalak, and it involves 41 separate sheep poos.

41 separate sheep poos!? Incredible!

And curious!

Brace yourselves!

Stations, everyone!

Tell me my fortune, bedraggled hag.

I know I am, but what are you?

OK, I will tell your fortune, but not with the ball.

With the sheep poo!

Ah, that's disgusting, mate!

I will tell your fortune with the sheepy bum stuff. Are you ready?

Yes, as I'll ever be. Hurry up, mate, it stinks.

Oh, yes! I can see many things.

I don't know about you,

but it looks like I'm going to come into a fortune.

Really? How do you know that?

I've just found a pound at the bottom of the poo.

Spooky! But, do we have any answers yet? Can we predict the future?

Sticking with toilet-related fortune-telling, Mr Reeves,

there is uromancy.

It's very curious.

It is a form of fortune telling done by looking at the bubbles

in your wee.

Hmm? Bubbly, bubbly. Tell me more.

It's said that the bubbles in your wee

are specific to each person's future.

Right, OK.

-Let's predict the future. Captain Lengthwidth.

-Yes?

-Pop into the bog and have a number one.

-Why?

I want to look at the bubbles in your wee and predict your future.

Yes, but I don't need to go any more.

Get in there and try and squeeze something out.

-All right, all right. Don't get shirty.

-Get in there. Go on!

-I'll see if I can go.

-Come on. Give it a shot.

-All right.

-Might as well.

-Well, I might as well.

-Off you go, in there.

How's it going?

-Well, I'm just getting into position.

-Yes, very good.

-Any news yet?

-Well, I can't go if you keep talking to me.

-Right, I'll keep quiet.

-Thank you.

-How's it going?

LIQUID SPLASHES

Oh yes. Right! Ho, ho, ho!

Yes, the heavens have opened. Ha, ha! Lovely!

Oh, oh yes, that's the ticket. Bang on, right there. Right there.

-Lovely.

-Have you finished?

-Hang on. Hold your horses.

LIQUID SPLASHES

-Still a few pennies left in the old bank account.

-Good.

-Ha, ha!

-You did want to go after all, then?

-Lovely. Lovely.

-Yes.

TOILET FLUSHES

Absolutely wonderful. Do you know? I was bursting.

So it seems. But you flushed it, haven't you?

You flushed it all away,

so I can't predict your future from the bubbles.

-Oh, of course, yes.

-Exactly. Do you know what?

You're about as much use as an expensive car,

but when you look under the bonnet, what's there?

Just hundreds and thousands of pork chops.

Yes, that sounds about right, yes. That's the sort of area.

Sit back down there.

Thought I was going to be able to predict the future then.

I was getting all excited.

Let's have some more facts. Can we predict the future?

Well, how about this for curious? It's a fortune-telling cat.

In 2007, it was reported that Oscar the cat

predicted the deaths of 25 residents at an American nursing home.

Sorry, sweet cheeks, it ain't looking good. Next!

Well, he didn't predict them quite like that.

Oscar, the usually unfriendly cat,

would affectionately curl up next to the unlucky patients

shortly before they died.

Animal experts think the creepy cat could smell biochemicals

released by the body just before death.

Oscar the cat, one mystic moggy you want to avoid.

Oooh! I hate mystic moggies and psychic cats. I really do.

I detest them. So, have we got an answer to this question?

-Can we predict the future?

-Well, it's very hard to prove, Mr Reeves.

Some people believe that you can and other people just believe

that getting predictions right is down to chance.

Well, I think it's a load of old rubbish.

So can you get our findings are off to the lovely Helia

as quickly as possible please, Miss Pyjama Party?

-Tea!

-Not at the moment, thank you.

-TANNOY:

-'Attention, attention.

'Flying Postal Services entering the ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.

'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

'Please stand back.

'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'

RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS

-TANNOY:

-'Postal services departing. Stand clear.

'Post will be delivered in approximately

'two minutes and 32 seconds.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

Farewell, pretty postal pigeon, and good luck.

-Mr Frazernagle, is there anyone on the switchboards?

-Yes, Mr Reeves.

I've got one on Line Three. I'll put you through now.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here, at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of assistance to you today?

Hello, my name is Zachariah, and I want to know who is

the world's smallest farmer? I mean, literally, smallest farmer.

Thank you, Zachariah. Very good question.

I shall find out the information for you instantly. Goodbye.

Who is the world's smallest farmer?

There's a Mr Ken Millett for you in X1 for you, Mr Reeves.

< Ken Millett loading in X1.

APPLAUSE

-Hello, Ken.

-Hello, Vic.

Now then, Ken, how long have you had the title "World's Smallest Farmer"?

17 years. I've won a competition.

Before that, I was World's Smallest Baker,

then World's Smallest Optician,

then World's Smallest Director of British independent films.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I think I get the idea.

-But what did you actually do to gain the title?

-Just be tiny.

Mr Reeves, it's not true! He's lying! He's making it all up!

There's no such thing as a World's Smallest Farmer competition.

Tell that tell-tale to shut his dirty mouth!

Frazernagle! How could you? Shut your dirty mouth!

-Ken wouldn't lie about a thing like that, would you, Ken?

-Errrr...?

-Ken...?

-No, of course not, Mr Reeves.

What do you actually grow on this farm?

-Er, world's smallest carrots, like this?

-I don't actually see anything.

-That's because they're tiny.

-What else have you got?

World's smallest cabbages. Have a look at that!

Ken, that to me, looks remarkably like a Brussels sprout.

Yes, funny that, innit?

Yes, it is funny, innit. Who do you sell this stuff to?

Er...goblins?

Oh, Ken. Frazernagle was right.

You're not World's Smallest Farmer, you're a fraud. You're a liar.

-The world's smallest liar!

-I'll give you that one, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ken Millett, the World's Smallest Liar.

APPLAUSE

-Really! Yes?

-There's that £100 I owe you.

-Oh, thanks.

What's that?

The world's smallest money.

-Is it all there?

-Oh yes, count it.

Yeah, it's all there. Thanks.

Right, can we get some answers on this question?

Who is the World's Smallest Farmer?

I've got something here, Mr Reeves, a very curious fact.

-Ants can be farmers, you know?

-Ants? What? Farming?

Ants can grow mushrooms by gathering compost

and fertilising it with their own poo.

With their own poo?

Mr Reeves, there's something small in G1.

< Ant farmer loading in G1.

-Ah! So you're an ant farmer?

-Yeah, that's right.

-I've grown mushrooms using my own poo.

-Really?

Wait a minute.

As I suspected! Ken Millett!

How dare you impersonate an ant farmer!

You're just a cheeky impostor, Ken Millett.

-World's Smallest Cheeky Impostor!

-Yeah, I'll give you that one.

Ken Millett, world's smallest liar and cheeky impostor.

Mr Reeves, it's Captain Lengthwidth, BBC News.

-How did you know it was him?

-Well, I'm very observant.

-Thank you.

Mr Reeves, this might help.

I have a curious fact about the world's smallest man,

Edward Hernandez, who is just 27 inches tall.

27 inches tall? How tall is that?

-About this high.

-What's that? Five loaves?

-Yes, five loaves.

-Is that 27 inches?

-I don't know, do you want to check?

Yeah, I'll check it with my 27-inch rule.

Yep, that's about bang on. Well done.

And is this Edward Hernandez a farmer?

Because if he is, case closed.

-Oh, dash it! He's a dancer.

-What a shame.

-What a shame that is.

-What a crying shame.

-That's put a right dampener on things, that has.

-Mr Reeves, C1.

-TANNOY:

-'Eddie Hernandez loading in C1.'

MUSIC: "Staying Alive" by The Bee Gees

Stop! Ken! Get up, you'll do yourself an injury.

Not Ken! Eddie Hernandez - the World's Smallest Dancer!

Ken, Ken, I know it's you. I can see you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yeah? Ken, it's your wife.

She wants you back home for your tiny tea.

Ken, you're going to have to stop this.

-You're becoming a pain in the neck.

-World's smallest pain in the neck?

Yeah, world's smallest pain in the neck.

Ken Millett, world's smallest pain in the neck!

World's smallest impostor, smallest farmer - I don't think!

-I'll tell you one thing, he's persistent.

-You can say that again.

-He's persistent.

-You can say that again.

-He's persistent.

-You can say that again.

-He's persistent.

-You can say that again!

-I see!

-Yes! Yes!

-He's persistent.

-Right, let's get on with it. Let's crack on.

-Who's the world's smallest farmer?

-I think I've got it, Mr Reeves.

But it's not a human and it's not even an animal.

Technically, the smallest farmer is a single-cell amoeba

which is so small you can only see it with a microscope.

All right, my lover!

The amoeba eats the bacteria.

He plants the leftovers elsewhere and leaves it to grow.

After a bit, the amoeba returns to harvest the crop.

Aaargh!

A single-cell amoeba is indeed the world's smallest farmer.

Help! Help!

So there we have it, the world's smallest farmer

is the single-cell amoeba who farms bacteria. I might have guessed.

BOOMING

Kettle.

Good. So get those findings off to Zachariah as swiftly

as humanly possible, if you could please, Miss Teacake.

-Party.

-Yes.

< Flying Postal Services has arrived.

-TANNOY:

-'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

'your number one aerial courier.'

Good luck, intrepid post lady.

So, Mr Frazernagle, what do you intend to do with

what is left of this frankly spontacular day.

-I'm going fishing tonight.

-Really? For what?

-Compliments.

That's a very good thing to fish for.

We've got time for one final question.

How are the switchboards doing?

It seems I've got a call coming through on Line Two.

I'll put you through now.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you, duck.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How can I help you?

Hi, my name's Emily.

I just wanted to know, what is the longest song ever?

Thank you. Good day. What is the world's longest song ever?

Any ideas?

Nothing about the longest song yet, Mr Reeves,

but I have something about the highest note.

Do tell.

According to the Guinness Book Of World Records,

the highest note ever sung was by a Mr Adam Lopez in 2005.

It was one note higher than the highest note on a grand piano.

Excellent!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr Adam Lopez,

who will be performing for your delight and pleasure,

the highest note ever to be sung by human.

HE COUGHS

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK

Well, Adam, I think it's fair to say

you've ruined that for everyone.

Well, that was the world's highest note.

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK

But what we need to find out is,

what is the world's longest song, and in order to do that,

we need to play the Extra-Long Song Factor Talent Show!

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Welcome to the Extra-Long Song Factor Talent Show.

And I'm joined by my co-judges, Cheryl Tulisa Minogue on my right.

APPLAUSE

And on my other right, it's Simon Barlow-Trowel.

APPLAUSE

Right, so, what do we know, music-wise,

about the longest song in the world?

I'm not entirely sure of the world's longest song,

but curiously the song You Suffer, by a band called Napalm Death,

is the shortest song ever at 1.316 seconds long.

Well, that sounds like my kind of music.

So, with You Suffer, please welcome, Ted Wellend!

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Hello. I'm Ted Wellend.

And I'll be performing the world's shortest song.

One, two...

One, two, three, four!

HEAVY METAL BLAST

Any time you're ready, pet, take it away.

What are you talking about? I just did then.

Right, well maybe you'd like to perform it again for us.

OK.

HEAVY METAL BLAST

Any time you're ready, pet.

No, I just did it then. Just then!

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Um, I'll do it now again for you, if you like.

HEAVY METAL BLAST

-Any time you're ready then, pet.

-I just did it then!

Didn't you hear me?

HEAVY METAL BLAST

Well, maybe you'd like to perform it once more for us.

I just did it then!

Right now!

Are you having me on or something?

Um, OK, let's go to the judges' opinions. Vic? What did you think?

Well, you made the song your own, but I didn't get it, I'm sorry.

I love your spirit, I love you as a person,

but you're just not right for this competition in my view pet, sorry.

What did you think, Simon?

That was one of the worst auditions I have ever seen.

You can't sing, and I think I genuinely hate you.

And it's a no from me.

What do you know? You're just a trowel!

Ooh!

Well, not a good start, but I wonder who is up next

in our seemingly endless search for the world's longest song?

Well, curiously, I haven't found the world's longest song, Mr Reeves,

but what about the smelliest?

Yes!

The Brown Noise is the name given to a frequency

so deep it's thought it could make you poo yourself.

-Uggh!

-Ohhh!

Right, well, with Brown Noise, please welcome, Clifford Nuts!

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Right, well, Clifford, I don't think you're quite ready for this

just yet, so it's a no from it.

I haven't started yet.

-Yeah, give the poor little man a chance.

-OK, all right.

This is Brown Noise.

Take it away.

DIDGERIDOO PLAYS

-Is that it?

-Yeah.

-Well, that was awful.

It couldn't have gone any worse. No-one in here pooed themselves.

You couldn't even make one person have an accident in their trousers.

-Pathetic.

-Please!

Please put me through!

This is me last chance.

I promise, if you let me do it again, I'll make you poo yourselves.

Sorry, it's a no from me.

It's a very hard song to sing, but it's a no from me.

-I didn't get it.

-I'm afraid it's the end of the journey for you, love.

No, no...

Well, so far the auditions have been a bit of a flop.

-A bit of a washout, really, haven't they?

-They're getting worse.

-Anything else on the world's longest song?

-I've found it, Mr Reeves!

The search is over! Long Player is actually the longest song ever.

It's a piece of music played by a computer

that's designed to last for 1,000 years.

Fantastic! Well, with Long Player, please welcome, Nick Lurpak!

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, you look like my little brother!

-Who I hate.

-And me, he's awful, isn't he? OK, enjoy yourself.

In your own time. Have fun with it. Off you go. Good luck.

AMBIENT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

AMBIENT ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES

Boring!

Tedious and dull! Boring!

-Off, off!

-Off, off!

-Off, off!

All right. Thank you. I can see where this is going, Nick.

It's very boring and it's going to take a long time,

it's going to take a 1,000 years, isn't it?

Off you go. Off you go.

You can't have a programme that lasts 1,000 years.

-I know, although it feels like it sometimes, doesn't it?

-It does.

It's not far-off, is it?

So there we are, the world's longest song is Long Player,

lasting an incredibulious 1,000 years long.

Miss Tea Party, could you get that information

off to Emily as quickly as the crow flounders.

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you.

TANNOY BELL CHIMES

-TANNOY:

-Attention, Ministry. The working day is over.

-Re-assessing curious stuff.

-So, what have we discovered today?

Helia wanted to know if you can predict the future.

We found out there are lots of ways, like using sheep poo.

Hurry up mate, it stinks!

-Looking at the bubbles in wee.

-You flushed it all away. Yes!

And even listening to tummy rumbles,

but no-one can prove that they actually work.

Zachariah asked, who is the world's smallest farmer?

The world's smallest man is Eddie Hernandez, and he's 27 inches tall.

Ants are tiny farmers. So you're an ant farmer?

Yeah, that's right. I grow mushrooms using my own poo.

But they're not as tiny as the world's smallest farmer,

a single-cell amoeba who farms bacteria.

Finally, Emily asked, what is the longest song ever?

We heard the shortest song, it's called You Suffer.

HEAVY METAL BLAST

Any time you're ready, pet.

And we listened to Brown Noise,

a frequency so low it can make you mess yourself.

The longest song ever is Long Player which is 1,000 years long.

Boring!

Well done, everybody. Thank you all.

-Good night, Lengthwidth. See you tonight?

-Where are we going?

-Round by the bins?

-See you at seven.

-Six o'clock it is!

-Transportation for Mr Reeves has arrived.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone!

I'm going home for me tea!