Episode 9 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

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TELEPHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On call - our highly curious researchers, Lovett,

Wannamaker, Frazernagle, Tea Party, and of course, Captain Lengthwidth.

The ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.

-TANNOY:

-The working day will commence in 10 seconds.

Don't be late.

Attention. Mr Reeves is entering the building.

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff!

Good morning!

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Mr Reeves.

-Yes!

-Come here. I've got an idea for Britain's Got Talent.

-Excellent, what?

-Watch this.

BIRD CHIRRUPS

-What's that? Where's that coming from? Is that you?

-Yes!

-I'm making the noise with my mouth.

-It's incredible.

-Yes.

-Do it again.

BIRD CHIRRUPS

-Wonderful.

-It's easy, you have a go.

-OK.

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Not quite as good as you, but not far off.

CHIRRUPING

It's beautiful! It's wonderful.

-Hey, wait, hang on a minute.

-No, no, no! No! No!

You're just a fake. Just a bird-whistling fraud.

And I hate you.

That does seem like a bit of an over-reaction.

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

I didn't really mean it.

Come on, these questions won't answer themselves.

-Frazernagle, who's on the lines?

-I've got a caller on line four.

-I'll put you through!

-Excellent.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here, at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of assistance?

Hi, this is Jack.

My question is, who has the biggest tongue?

Thank you, Jack.

Very good question. Good day!

Jack wants to know who's got the biggest tongue. A very good question.

Lengthwidth, what do you know about big tongues?

Well, I've got a regular size tongue, I think.

-Shall we check it?

-You can if you like.

Let's have a look. Stick it out, kid.

Yeah. That's good. Quite firm.

STRETCHING, TEARING

Aaargh!!!

I'm so sorry.

Right, settle down, everyone. Big tongues, what have we got?

Did you know, Mr Reeves,

there are some amazing tongues in the animal kingdom?

Some animal tongues are well amazing.

A giraffe uses its tongue to clean inside its ears.

My car keys, I was looking for them!

A giant anteater's tongue is two feet long.

And a woodpecker's is so long,

the only place it can store its tongue is wrapped around its brain.

But, warning, never have them all in the same room at the same time.

-It can get a bit messy.

-Aaargh!

Call an ambulance!

So, a giraffe can clean its own ears with its tongue - incredible.

But I can do that as well. I can clean my own ears with my tongue.

-I can do that too.

-No, you can't.

-Yes, I can.

-No, you can't.

-Well, go on, then.

-I will.

Aaah! Get off.

-What-what-what?

-You fool.

-But I liked it.

-I know.

So, lots of animals with big tongues,

but one of them surely has got the biggest tongue.

Actually, it's none of them. The blue whale has the biggest tongue.

It's big enough for 50 people to stand on.

Like a bus!

But not a bus, a tongue!

Amazing!

And curious!

Brace yourselves!

Stations, everyone!

Well, hello, my good friend, Andrew Baxter, the blue whale.

Oh, stop it, Vic, you're tickling me!

-Hello, Vic.

-Hello, Andrew. What's all this I hear

about you being able to put 50 people on your tongue?

Yeah, that's right, Vic. Last week I had four football teams

and Dermot O'Leary all having a party on my tongue.

Having a party! Ha ha!

Hang on a minute. By my calculations, that's 45!

-You're five people too short.

-Oh, yeah, but that's because...

-Because what?

-All right,

Take That were there too, including Robbie.

Take That?

Yes, they were dancing too close to my larynx, and I swallowed them.

No! You swallowed the popular music act Take That?

Yes, I did. Have a listen.

# Today this could be

# The greatest day of our lives... #

BELCH!

Who'd have thought it? Popular music act Take That

finish their days inside a blue whale. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, no, stop it! Oh, Vic!

So, Mr Frazernagle, summarise!

Right, well, to answer Jack's question, a blue whale has

the biggest tongue, weighing in at a massive 2.7 metric tonnes.

2.7 metric tonnes! Incredible!

Right, Miss Tea Towel, get that information off pronto. Thank you.

-Party.

-Not tonight!

LOUDSPEAKER SYSTEM RINGS

'Attention! Flying postal services entering the ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel on arrival.

'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.

'Please stand back.

'Postal service reaching its destination in three...two...one.'

"RULE BRITANNIA" PLAYS

'Postal services departing. Stand clear.

'Post will be delivered

'in approximately 2 minutes and 32 seconds.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

Goodbye, sweet avian messenger

Right, next question, please.

-Of course, sir, I have a caller on line one.

-Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Who may I avail myself to?

Hi, this is Maya. I'm just wondering why don't girls grow beards?

Thank you, Maya, thank you very much indeed. Goodbye.

Maya wants to know, why don't girls grow beards?

-ALL:

-Ooooh!

-Yes.

-Captain Lengthwidth.

-Yes?

What do you think about beards?

-Ah, yes, great big hairy things, aren't they?

-Yes.

Hairy things. Come up behind you and give you a big hug.

-No, no, no! Not BEARS. What do you think of beards.

-Beards?

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-Oh, right.

I like looking out the window in the morning,

and staring at them mucking about in the bird bath.

LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: I'm not talking about BIRDS!

-What you talking about, then?

-BEARDS!

Beards, beards, beards!

Oh, beards. Oh, no. Horrible. Horrible things.

All right, team, what have we got?

Beard, moustaches, goatees, sideburns and ladies.

What do we know?

Mr Reeves, as you probably know, facial hair is my area of expertise.

Now, there is a Beard and Moustache World Championship.

FANFARE SOUNDS

Seven types of moustaches are accepted in the competition.

They're called the Natural, the English, the Hungarian,

the Dali, the Imperial, the Fu Manchu and the Freestyle.

The question is, do they let ladies in?

Unfortunately not, Mr Reeves. It's men only.

Well, that won't help us answer Maya's question.

What else do we know about facial hair?

The Indian police force offered pay increases

to offices with moustaches.

In 2004, police in Northern India started to pay an extra 30 rupees -

that's 40p a month - to any police officer who grew a moustache.

The Madhya Pradesh State Police said research showed

that police with moustaches were taken more seriously.

-Oh!

-Boo!

-Rubbish copper!

Oh!

However, the shape and style of police moustaches

would be monitored to ensure they did not start to look too mean.

Good!

Good!

Good!

No, no, no! This makes you look like a very naughty boy.

Start again!

Ow!

Well, that just goes to show if you want to get ahead, get a tache!

Not always, Mr Reeves.

Curiously, if you lived in Russia in 1698 and had a beard,

you'd have had to pay beard tax.

A tax on beards? In Russia? I've never heard of anything so ludicrous.

Me, neither, but it's true. It was introduced by Peter the Great.

Was it? Well, maybe I should have a word with this "Percy the Fantastic".

-Peter the Great.

-That's what I said.

Mr Reeves, guess who's coming through C12?

'Russian leader loading in C12.'

-Ah! Peter the Super!

-Great.

No problem. Now, tell me about this beard tax.

Well, people with beards are so square, it's like "get a life".

I want my Russian people

to be like trendy Europeans - cool and clean shaven.

If you want a beard, you have to pay the price.

Take a look at this bozo. He looks like a big, bearded Russian nerd.

I won't have it. Not on my watch.

If you want a beard this size, you must pay...

-50 roubles.

-I cannot afford that!

That is not my problem, my friend.

Well, I tell you what, stay there. I might be able to help you out, mate.

Stay there. I'll be with you in a minute.

FOOTSTEPS GOING UPSTAIRS

-Excuse me, Miss Wanamaker. Hello, what's your first name?

-Wanda.

Wanda Wanamaker.

Right. Hello, son!

-Hello.

-Hang on a minute.

Here, how's that?

20 roubles.

-Is that any good for you?

-I literally have no money.

OK, wait a minute.

What about that?

-10 roubles.

-Any good?

-I don't even know what money looks like.

-Right. Wait a minute.

Ow!

How about that, then, Peter the Satisfactory?

You win this time, Mr Victor Reeves, but if you set foot

in Mother Russia with one strand of stubble on your bulbous chin,

I will come down on you like a sack of satsumas.

And that is hard, my friend.

I didn't think he was that great, did you?

It's terrible they should tax anyone just for owning a bird.

How many more times, we're not talking about birds,

we're talking about BEARDS. Not birds, beards on your chin.

-Oh! Beards!

-You're a nightmare, you.

-I know, I'm really hard work.

-I know, you dozy twerp!

Right, what we want to know is, why don't girls grow beards?

I think I've found it, Mr Reeves. Some women actually can grow beards.

Lots of amazing bearded ladies performed in circuses

during the 19th century.

She's right, Mr Reeves.

The most famous of these women is Annie Jones.

She joined the circus when she was a baby.

By the age of five, she had a moustache and sideburns,

and became very well known as the Bearded Girl.

And then as a grown-up,

Annie became America's favourite bearded lady.

Yes!

She's waiting for you in G1, Mr Reeves. Down there.

'Bearded lady loading in G1.'

Well, hello. Are you who I think you are?

Well, of course I'm who you think I am.

Annie Jones, America's favourite Bearded Lady. You're beautiful.

Mr Reeves, it's interesting that you should think she's beautiful,

because there is actually an Italian phrase,

"Donna barbuta, sempre biacuta",

which means "everyone loves a woman with a beard".

What a coincidence, because that's the title of my new hit single.

MUSIC STARTS

# Oh, pretty baby, my bearded lady

# The hairs on your chin drive me crazy

# Don't even think I'd replace that lovely bush on your face

# And it's growing longer each da-a-a-a-y!

# Oh, pretty baby, my bearded lady

# Your whiskers are covered in gravy

# Porridge, ice cream and bits of margarine

# And I love you more each da-a-a-a-y, hey!

# Bearded lady

# My bearded lady

# My bearded la-hey-deeeee! #

LOUD, SLOPPY KISSING

-You're a man.

-Pardon me, what was that? I was momentarily distracted.

Yeah, I said, you're a man.

Yeah, I'm a man! What of it?

-Yeah! I knew you was a man!

-Did you? What gave it away? The whiskers?

Something like that. Where's the real Annie Jones?

-She couldn't make it.

-Why?

-She had to go to hospital.

-What for?

-She cut herself.

-How?

-Shaving.

-I was so looking forward to meeting her.

-Get outta here!

-My pleasure.

-Yeah!

Get outta here, Mr WhoeverYou-Are.

Hey, I quite liked the look of that bird.

You can't call a woman a bird! It wasn't a woman, it was a bloke.

I am not talking about that, I'm talking about the hair on her face.

-You like the beard?

-Yeah, I like the beard.

-That's all right, then.

-OK.

So there you are, some ladies can grow beards, although it's very rare,

and if you do see one, give them a tickle under the chin for good luck.

Get that information off to Maya, please, Miss Tea Potty.

-Party.

-Party.

'Flying Postal Service has arrived.

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

'your number one aerial courier.'

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I'm going to the canteen. Anyone want anything?

-You want anything? No? Right. No.

-Oh, yes, yes!

-You do?

-What do you want?

-Nothing.

-Oh, hello, Mr Reeves!

-Hello, Mrs Dollop.

-It's Mrs De Lope!

-Dul...lope?

-Get it right.

-So, what curious cuisine have you got for me today?

-Something lovely here for you. This is Casu marzu.

-Casu marzu.

It's from Sardinia. It's a lovely cheese.

-Yeah? Phowarrr!

-Go on, try some.

-Do I have to?

-Yes! Try it!

-Yeah, all right.

Naaaah! Nuu-uu-uum! Urrrrgh!

-It's disgusting!

-Looks like you're enjoying it.

-It's disgusting!

Quiet! It's a lovely soft cheese and it's got hundreds and hundreds

of little maggots in it, crawling all the way through. It's delicious.

-It's horrible!

-Are you dissing my cheese?

-Yeah!

-Well, you know what you can do, don't you?

-What?

Get out...of MY...CANTEEN!

-I'll leave it.

-Get out!

-Casu marzu?

More like khazi poo-poo!

Out!

Ah, lovely.

Excellent, everybody.

Right, now, we've had tongues and beards.

How are the switchboards doing, Mr Frazernagle?

Buzzing, Mr Reeves. I've got a caller on line three

who's been on hold for ages. I'll put you through.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-How may I help you?

-Hi, my name is Masood.

I want to know, could an animal win the X Factor?

Thank you very much, Masood. Goodbye.

Well, Masood wants to know, could an animal win the X Factor?

Do you know, as far as I'm concerned, they already have.

We've had Lion-a Lewis! Ha, ha, ha!!!

-Alexandra Bird!

-Ha, ha!

Cat Cardle!

Ha, ha, ha!

All X Factor winners, and all animals. Ha, ha, ha!

I'm detecting codswallop, Mr Reeves, and you know it.

An animal has never won the X Factor.

Really? I never knew that, to be honest. I didn't.

Right, come on, team, what have we got on musical animals?

Here's a curious fact.

Dolphins can sing at a pitch higher than Mariah Carey.

Really?

Incoming in E11, Mr Reeves.

'Singing Dolphin loading in E11.'

DOLPHIN SQUEAKS

That's beautiful. But, tell me, how comes you can sing so high?

-SPEAKS IN VERY LOW VOICE:

-I dunno, kid.

It just comes naturally to me.

Well, that's all well and good,

but what else have we got on singing animals?

Sticking with sea mammals, whales can sing the loudest.

I'm not surprised, judging by the size of their tongue!

Indeed, Mr Reeves, a whale's song is 188 decibels,

that's louder than a jumbo jet.

It can be heard from over 500 miles away,

so it wouldn't need a microphone.

Well, that's incredible!

And curious!

Brace yourselves.

-Hello, my old friend, Andrew Baxter.

-Hello, Vic.

They tell me when you're not balancing 50 people on your tongue,

you're singing really loudly.

# Yes, it's completely true! I always sing so loud! #

Oh, blimey, that was loud. And if you don't mind me saying, a bit flat.

-Thanks very much.

-That was you and not Gary Barlow, wasn't it?

-It was Gary Barlow, actually.

-I thought you might say that.

Well, loud is one thing,

but we need an animal with the skills to impress Louie Spence.

You mean Louis Walsh?

Louis Armstrong, first man on the Moon. Who cares?

Well, how about this, Mr Reeves?

Lyre birds are amazing mimics - who know copying sounds and that -

they can recreate almost any sound they hear.

For example chainsaws, car engines, fire alarms and camera shutters.

Amazing! I'd like to meet one of these incredible creatures.

Lyre bird coming through, Mr Reeves. Beaky beast in H4, down there.

'Bird impressionist loaded in H4.'

Ooh! There it is! Ooh, it fluttered by!

ELEPHANT CALL, CAT'S MIAOW AND PUMP NOISE!

-That's rubbish, I could do better than that, can't I?

-Oh, shut up.

-Do you want to hear me?

-Go on, then, Mr Reeves.

I can do impressions better than the lyre bird. Anything you want.

I'm going to do the impressions, OK?

Starting off with a bell.

BELL RINGS

-Pretty good, eh?

-Oh, amazing, Mr Reeves. And what else can you do?

A car horn. (The car horn.)

CAR HORN TOOTS

What about that? And I take requests.

-Right, well, how about a bus?

-A bus.

What do I do?

OK, a bus!

BUS BELL RINGS

NOISE OF BUS PULLING AWAY

-How did you do that?

-I don't know.

You see? I'm incredible.

You're amazing, Mr Reeves!

Thank you, Wanda.

So, there we are. Any more facts on musical animals?

Yes, over here!

The famous composer Mozart had a pet starling which he loved.

It had a big impact on his life and on his music.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, composer, musician, wearer of wigs

and...bird lover?

Mozart had a pet starling and found it quite an inspiration,

particularly when it learnt to sing

his catchily named Piano Concerto No 17 in C minor FF.

Wunderbar! Wunderbar!

STARLING BEATBOXES

OK, now you're showing off.

Mozart loved the little bird, so as you can imagine,

he was gutted when he carked it.

In fact, he was so sad he had a massive funeral

and made all his friends and family come along.

Which is a bit weird.

Sorry. Just saying. It IS a bit weird.

Have we got a conclusion? Can an animal win the X Factor?

Well, no, Mr Reeves, they can't.

And as we've seen, a lot of animals are very musical

but they're not allowed to enter the X Factor, unfortunately.

-It's in the rules.

-In the rules? Have you got a rule book?

-Just here.

-Show me this rule book. The X Factor rulebook.

No animals. That's the only rule in it!

OK, get those facts off to Masood pronto, please, Miss Tea Party.

Right away, Mr Reeves.

A very good day today. Well done, team.

Well done indeed. Well done, everybody!

'Attention, Ministry. The working day is over.

'Re-assessing curious stuff.

Jack asked who has the biggest tongue, and we found out.

In the animal world, an anteater's tongue is two foot long,

a giraffe uses his tongue to clean its ears

and a woodpecker wraps its tongue around its brain.

But the biggest tongue belongs to the blue whale.

It's big enough to fit 50 people on.

Four football teams and Dermot O'Leary are all on my tongue.

Next, Maya wanted to know why don't girls grow beards?

And we found that about the beard and moustache championship.

-Do they let ladies in?

-Unfortunately not, Mr Reeves. It's men-only.

The Indian police offered more money to cops with taches.

In 1698, bearded folk in Russia had to pay a beard tax.

If you want a beard this size, you must pay 50 roubles.

But to answer Maya's question, girls can grow beards.

Just look at 19th-century bearded lady, Annie Jones.

Masood asked, could an animal win the X Factor, and we found out.

Dolphins can sing higher than Mariah Carey.

That's beautiful. Whales can sing the loudest of all animals.

# I always sing so loud... #

A lyre bird can imitate almost anything brilliantly.

ELEPHANT CALL AND PUMP NOISE

Mozart had a pet starling that inspired his music.

Wunderbar! Wunderbar!

But sadly, Masood, it's the law. Animals cannot enter the X Factor!

-I do like a lady with a beard.

-You do like a bird with a beard.

-Don't start that again.

-All right, kid.

-Right, goodbye, everybody.

'End of the day. Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for me tea!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd