Episode 8 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we seek to answer any question you may ask.

No question is too ridiculous.

On-call are our highly curious researchers,

Lovett, Wannamaker, Frazernagle,

Teaparty and of course, Captain Length-Width.

The Ministry is a thinking facility that helps US

to find YOU an answer.

'The working day will commence in 10 seconds.

'Don't be late.'

'Attention, Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

'Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.'

Morning, everybody.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning!

Captain Length-Width, what have you got there?

It's beautiful!

Isn't it most gorgeous thing you've ever seen?

Astonishing, dazzling, startling, beautiful!

Where did you get it?

-Just look at the size and the shape of it.

-It's gorgeous.

-Not that. This!

-It's a cardboard box.

No, it's an ancient tribal drum from the Fragile tribe of the Amazon.

Listen to it play.

DRUMMING

-Beautiful.

-Wonderful.

-And what a sound, what an incredible sound!

-What will you do with this?

-I don't want it.

-If you don't want it, I'll eat it.

-OK.

-What's it like?

-A bit tough.

-Save me some.

-Frazernagle, how are the switchboards looking?

They're looking very attractive today.

-I've got a caller through on line one.

-Thank you very much indeed.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-How can I be of assistance today?

-My name is Faisal.

I wanted to ask what is the most expensive piece of art?

What's the most expensive piece of art?

Being a bit of an art buff, I like me art expensive,

and if I'm paying top dollar, I want to see a lot of art.

-If you would care to take a look, Mr Reeves.

-Yes.

Some of the biggest art has been made by the artist Christo

who wraps massive structures, and even sometimes islands,

in silk and calls it art.

You know what? I would like to meet this Crusty.

Something arty loading in D7.

'Christo loading in D7.'

-Yo, man, I'm Christo.

-I thought you might be.

-What up?

-How do you do?

-Very good.

-Whatever, man.

Well, Christo, how would you describe your art?

Yeah, I just like to wrap stuff up. I make it look amazing.

I make it look blazing.

I see something massive, I just got w-w-wrap it.

-Is this Captain Length-Width?

-Yeah, sorry about that.

I saw him on the way in, sitting there looking massive

and I just had to w-w-wrap it.

-I can't help it, that's how I do.

-Are you OK?

Not exactly, Mr Reeves, it was rather forced upon me by Christian.

-It's Christo, Popeye!

-Yes, super stuff.

-Respect is due, touch, touch, touch.

-Whatever, man.

Don't touch him.

-Well, I must say, Christo, Christi...

-Christo, fool.

Yes, Christo, I did enjoy the art that I saw earlier on

-with the buildings wrapped up.

-No, that ain't no art,

that's a birthday present for my wife.

I gots to get her something extra special

because she's still mad at me for wrapping up her mother.

Nice. That's thoughtful, buying a building and wrapping it up.

No, man, I didn't buy it, I just wrapped it up!

You can't do that!

I can do whatever I like, I'm Christo, I wrap stuff up.

You can't do that!

-I wrap it, that's how I do.

-I'm not having any of that bizzle.

What you talk about?! That's what I do, I see something massive,

I got to w-w-wrap it up. Nuff said.

You can't go around wrapping willy nilly.

-What have you done to my desk?

-You like it?

No, I don't like it. You can't go around wrapping stuff up

-around the Ministry. Get out. Go on, get out.

-Get your hands off me!

-You're crazy, get off me!

-Get out.

-I'm gon' call my mother!

We don't want your sort around here. Get out!

Don't touch me, you crazy man!

There! Clear off and don't come back!

That one was rather cheesing me off, Mr Reeves. My hero.

-Yes, I am rather good at boxing.

-I can tell.

-Anyway, where were we?

-The most expensive piece of art?

-What about the smallest piece?

An English artist, Willard Wigan,

makes tiny sculptures of landmarks, like the Statue of Liberty,

and they're small enough to fit in the head of a pin?

-Really?

-Something's rumbling in X5 down there.

'Willard Wigan loading in X5.'

-Hello, who's this, then?

-Hello.

Hello.

-I am the artist Willard Wigan.

-Hello.

What a lovely handshake(!)

VIC CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, Willard Wigan,

may I ask, do you come from Wigan?

HE LAUGHS

-No, I'm from Birmingham.

-Right, that's the small talk over, then.

So, what do you do?

Well, I've taught myself how to enter a meditative state,

slowing my heart rate down,

and breathing so I can keep very still.

The work is very difficult.

-No, it's not.

-What?

No, it's not difficult, it's easy. Easy peasy.

WILLARD SCOFFS

I can assure you it's not.

Oh, it is.

You see, I do it myself, I make tiny art myself,

although I choose not to blow my own trumpet...

TRUMPET BLOWS

..about it. Would you like to see some?

Take a look at this.

That there

is Beyonce carved into a breakfast loop.

-# All the single ladies

-All the single ladies.

-#

What you think of that?

It's all right, I suppose.

Yes, it's magnificent, and that's not even my best.

I've done the whole cast of Eastenders in breakfast cereal.

They're around here somewhere.

They were here. Captain Length-Width,

where did you get that cereal?

It came from outer space.

-Where did you get that cereal?

-Off your desk.

-Off my desk.

-Yes.

-As I suspected.

You've eaten the entire cast of Eastenders,

and not only that, you've embarrassed me in front of Willy...

-Gone.

-He's gone.

Do you know what, I can never forgive you for this. Never!

I can never forgive you!

Never ever in a million lifetimes can I ever forgive you

for what you have just done!

-What if I gave you £2?

-Yes, all right, then. Thank you.

-Going to tuck into a bit of Pat Butcher now.

-Good.

We've seen big art, small art, but what's the most expensive art?

Well, here's a curious artefact.

In 2007 a French woman was charged

with criminal damage after kissing a painting worth 2 million.

She said he was overcome with passion and couldn't help herself.

She sounds absolutely stark-staring, hairdryer, monkey legs...

-Bonkers.

-Bonkers, thank you.

'Rindy Sam loading in G1.'

Look at you, Mr Vicky Reeves, you are beautiful,

like a work of art or something.

Come here. Mwah!

Oh, get off! Get off me!

Captain, get this kissy, French- art-kissing woman away from me!

Like to kiss art, hey?

Bonjour, Mademoiselle.

Holy mackerel! Come 'ere, you walking piece of hunky art, you.

KISSING SOUNDS

Pack it in, there are animals present. Hoot, hoot.

Don't look, Scott. Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot!

-Quick, quick, we need another art fact.

-What about this, Mr Reeves?

What about the artist Tim Knowles?

Behold, Tim Knowles, the artist.

His rather odd technique is to attach pens

to the branches of trees

and let the wind do the work.

Darling, what do you think?

Doo-doo!

Hmmm...

Top-notch. It looks just like me.

I thank you.

So he just ties Biros to the bottom of a tree

and lets the tree do the work? To me, that's just lazy art.

And we still haven't found the answer to Faisal's question,

what is the most expensive art in the world?

I've found it, Mr Reeves.

The most expensive piece of art was by the artist Jackson Pollock.

The piece was called Number 5 and was allegedly sold for 140 million.

If you would care to take a look.

Wow. That's what the most expensive painting in the world looks like.

Oh, Number 5, you are beautiful.

Come here, you big hunky piece of art, you.

Oi, steady on, love, that's worth 140 million!

Don't slobber all over it,

-although it looks like you might have already.

-Do you mind?

-Oh!

So, there we are, Jackson Pollock's painting, Number 5,

is the most expensive painting in the world.

Get that information off to Faisal pronto. Thank you, Miss Teapot.

-Party.

-Party.

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

'Attention, attention, Flying Postal Services entering the Ministry.

'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.

'Postal person descending.

'Postal person descending. Please stand back.

'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'

'Postal services departing, stand clear.

'Post will be delivered in approximately

'two minutes and 32 seconds.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

Farewell, postal mistress.

Time for another question. What have we got, Mr Frazernagle?

-The switchboards are block-a-chock.

-Chock-a-block.

-Chopping block?

Never mind.

Anyway, I've got a caller on line two. I'll put you through.

Thank you, if you could be so kind.

Hello. This is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of insistence?

Hello, I'm Lucy and I want to know, what is so great about babies?

Thank you, Lucy. Good day.

Right, so, what's so great about babies?

I tell you what would be good,

if we could actually speak to a newborn baby,

who could actually speak. Wouldn't that be marvellous?

Be careful what you wish for. I've got a big man baby coming through.

'Man baby loading in H3.

-Hello.

-Hello, strange man.

-I'm known in both circles as Simon.

-Hello, giant man baby Simon.

-Perhaps you could help us.

-Did you see what I just did?

-I tried to put my foot in my mouth. What is that all about?

-I've no idea.

I just decided it was the best thing to do at the time.

Maybe you can answer...?

I'm bored! Entertain me or I shall cause a fuss,

and trust me I can make quite a racket.

There will be screaming, and quite probably some snot involved.

Good, but what I want to know...

I just decided to pull the head off my teddy bear. What spontaneity!

Yes. Could you tell us...?

Why did I do that? My beloved teddy.

-I wholeheartedly regret my actions!

-You should.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time!

Now then...

The question is what's so great about babies?

-Guess what?

-What?

-I've just messed my nappy so the real question is...

Well, I didn't really get anywhere there, Miss Tea Towel.

Party.

Yes, Towel, Party. Miss Teaparty.

Well, I have a very curious fact, Mr Reeves.

Did you know that babies can't actually cry?

-Well, giant man baby Simon just cried.

-Oh!

Yes, well, technically he didn't as there were no real tears.

They can scream for all they need, but technically babies

can't produce real tears until they're three weeks old.

Let's ask him - giant man baby Simon, can you cry?

What? Me, cry?

Don't be ridiculous. Did you listen to a word the young lady said?

I'm two weeks old, I can't cry, no! No, you stupid, stupid man.

I've never been more indignant in my life. This is ridiculous.

Come on, any more facts?

Mr Reeves, this is amazing!

I've found a woman who has had the most unbelievable number of babies!

Extraordinary.

According to the 2004 Guinness Book of Records,

a Russian wife, Feodor Vassilyev,

reportedly gave birth to 69 children in the 18th century.

She allegedly gave birth to 16 sets of twins...

..seven sets of triplets...

..and four sets of quadruplets!

Now that is a lot of babies.

CRYING

Will you kids just shut up?!

We still haven't answered Lucy's question,

-what's so great about babies?

-Well, I do have an idea.

Maybe we should turn our attention to the animal world,

because some animals do have really great babies.

Oh, I have a very curious fact here!

Did you know that as soon as a baby giraffe is born,

it immediately falls six feet towards the ground head first?

The impact is what causes the baby giraffe to take its first breath.

-Imagine that.

-THUD

Whoops, how embarrassing!

-Is everything all right down there?

-Yes, it's fine.

I'm pleased to announce that you've given birth to, uh,

a giraffe.

Right, get in there. All right. Good luck.

Hmm, this is curious.

Did you know that all shrimp are born male then grow up to be female?

-No, I didn't.

-We appear to have some shrimp in Z13.

'Baby shrimp loading in Z13.'

Look, there they are.

-Could you tell me how many amongst you are female?

-What?

-No, mate, no.

-No girls allowed!

This is a no girl-zone.

THEY LAUGH

Well, I'll just make a note of that - no girls allowed.

So, why do you not allow girls in your gang?

What?

-We ARE girls?

-Silly!

Girl hater!

It seems that you were right, Lovett. Oh!

I'm bored! Entertain me.

Or feed me!

I'm hungry.

Here's something that might be of use.

In the early 1900s, they invented baby cages.

-Baby cages?

-Mm-hm. The baby cage was a curious invention,

-if you'd care to take a look.

-Yes.

It was designed so your baby

could get fresh air even if you lived in a high-rise flat.

The baby would sit in a cage that was then precariously tied

to the outside of a high window.

But it just didn't take off.

Perhaps we should reintroduce baby cages for man baby Simon.

-Already taken care of, Mr Reeves.

-What's going on?

This is preposterous. I'm in a cage.

Although I must say the air at this altitude is much fresher.

There we are, problem solved.

In answer to Lucy's question, what's so great about babies,

well, remember the baby giraffe,

remember the baby shrimps.

I think we can safely say that babies, both animal and human,

are pretty amazing

and well worth looking after.

So, can you get those findings off to Lucy, please, Miss Teaparty?

Right away, Mr Reeves.

'Attention,, attention,

'Flying Postal Services has arrived.

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

'Your number one aerial courier.'

Goodbye, my postal angel.

Frazernagle, what are you doing this weekend?

-Well, Mr Reeves, I'm going whaling.

-Really?

-Do you want to hear a bit?

-If you like.

HE WAILS

Hmm. Time for one final question.

I've got a brilliant caller with a great question on line four.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I help you?

Hello, my name is Sunny and my question is,

can you buy a pet from a vending machine?

Thank you, goodbye.

Can you buy a pet from a vending machine?

I've never in my life heard anything more ridiculous or preposterous!

The only thing you can get from a vending machine

is crisps, pop, chocolate, and maybe a cheeky little biscuit.

Remember when we shared that cheeky little biscuit

at the top of Mount Everest?

No, that was a cheeky little biscuit on the top of the bins

-round the back of the supermarket.

-Yes, you're right.

My mistake, so sorry, my bad.

An easy mistake to make. Whoa, would you look at that?!

Take a look at this little beauty. Do you know what I'm going to do?

-I'm going to use my £2...

-Nice one!

..and buy myself a packet of cheese and onion and onion crisps.

Come on.

-HE GROANS

-Would you look at that?

The cheese and onion and onion crisps are stuck. Modern technology!

Actually, Mr Reeves, it's really not that modern. It says here that

the first vending machine was invented rather a long time ago.

Really?

The very first vending machine is thought to have been

invented in Greece over 2,000 years ago.

It worked in the usual way - a customer would put money

in the slot and a drink would be dispensed.

But it wasn't fizzy pop, no.

This machine sold holy water.

Holy water? Heavenly!

That's very clever. Any other vending machine facts?

Well, this one is brilliant.

In 2010, a new vending machine was invented

that gives you free ice cream, but only if you're smiling enough.

It's currently being tested in Singapore and France.

That's fantastic. Better than this hunk of junk,

-and also rather curious.

-RUMBLING

Stations, everyone!

Brace yourselves.

-Where's the ice cream?

-'Smile for ice cream.'

-What?

-'Smile for ice cream.'

OK.

'Smile not recognised.'

'Smile not recognised.'

'Smile not recognised.'

-'Smile not recognised.'

-Stupid thing!

I don't think it works quite like that, Mr Reeves.

That's because the only thing you should get out of a vending

machine is crisps, and mine are trapped within this brute!

I'm going in to get them. Come out.

I know you're in there! Don't think I won't find you.

I can smell you!

They're in here somewhere!

How curious.

Some of the strange things you can buy from a vending machine

-include umbrellas.

-Umbrella? I need one of those.

You can get eggs.

Eggs? Everyone loves a good egg.

-Footballs.

-Football, let's have a kickaround!

Ties. You can even get trainers.

Ties and trainers? I'd look proper smart.

I'm going to get me some of that.

And if you're still peckish, apparently you can even get a pizza!

You look different, Mr Reeves. Have you done something to your hair?

All I wanted was my flaming crisps, is that too much to ask?!

Now, where are my crisps?

SNAPPING, HE GROANS

-What's he doing in there?

-There are vending machines

in Japan that dispense live lobsters for cooking.

-A live lobster?

-I know what you're thinking, Mr Reeves!

So, if I don't eat him, I can keep him as a pet?

Not only as a pet, but a lifelong companion. A true friend.

Oh, ain't that sweet?

You and me, Steve, are going away

to the Camber rock'n'roll weekend!

Lucky Steve. THEY LAUGH

# Some people have dogs for friends

# Some people keep horses Some people keep hens

# But I've got a pet that I recommend

# He's a rock'n'roll crustacean

# I'm a lobster, that's what I am

-# He's a lobster

-I'm a lobster

-# He's a lobster

-I'm a lobster

# A lobster, that's what I am

# Some people keep a bird in a cage

# Some people think a mouse is all the rage

# Horses have hooves and dogs have paws

# But this little baby's got a pair of claws

-# I'm a lobster, that's what I am

-He's a lobster

-# I'm a lobster

-He's a lobster

-# I'm a lobster

-A lobster, that's what he am

# A lobster, that's what he am. #

So the answer's yes, you can get a pet from a vending machine,

as long as it's a lobster and you live in Japan.

You know the drill, Miss Teaparty,

get those findings off to Sunny as quickly as possible.

Thank you.

'Attention, ministry. The working day is over.'

What an exciting day!

Yes, and before I go off on my rockabilly weekend with Steve,

I'd like to say what a terrific day we've had.

'Reassessing curious stuff.'

Faisal asked what's the most expensive piece of art?

We met Christo who wraps things up and calls it art.

I see something massive, I just got w-w-wra it.

Willard Wigan who makes tiny art.

-What do think of that?

-It's all right, I suppose.

And Rindy Sam who loves art so much she kissed it.

Today, the most expensive piece of art

is Jackson Pollock's Number 5. It sold for 140 million!

Lucy wanted to know what's the point in babies?

Baby giraffes fall six feet when they're born.

-Is everything all right?

-Baby shrimp change from being boys to girls.

-Why do you not allow girls in your gang?

-We ARE girls, silly!

-A lady in Russia is said to have had 69 babies!

-Kids, shut up!

All in all, babies can do pretty amazing things.

Sunny wanted to know, could you buy a pet from a vending machine?

We found out that vending machines have been around since Ancient

Greece, and in Japan you can buy lobsters from vending machines!

What's he doing in there?

To answer Sunny's question, you CAN get a pet from a vending machine.

If you want a pet lobster like me.

So, goodbye everybody, goodbye.

'End of the day. Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Stand back, everyone.

I'm going home for me tea!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd