Episode 8 Ministry Of Curious Stuff


Episode 8

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Transcript


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PHONE RINGS

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Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

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we seek to answer any question you may ask.

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No question is too ridiculous.

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On-call are our highly curious researchers,

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Lovett, Wannamaker, Frazernagle,

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Teaparty and of course, Captain Length-Width.

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The Ministry is a thinking facility that helps US

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to find YOU an answer.

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'The working day will commence in 10 seconds.

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'Don't be late.'

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'Attention, Mr Reeves is entering the building.'

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'Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.'

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Morning, everybody.

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-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning!

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Captain Length-Width, what have you got there?

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It's beautiful!

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Isn't it most gorgeous thing you've ever seen?

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Astonishing, dazzling, startling, beautiful!

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Where did you get it?

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-Just look at the size and the shape of it.

-It's gorgeous.

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-Not that. This!

-It's a cardboard box.

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No, it's an ancient tribal drum from the Fragile tribe of the Amazon.

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Listen to it play.

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DRUMMING

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-Beautiful.

-Wonderful.

-And what a sound, what an incredible sound!

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-What will you do with this?

-I don't want it.

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-If you don't want it, I'll eat it.

-OK.

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-What's it like?

-A bit tough.

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-Save me some.

-Frazernagle, how are the switchboards looking?

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They're looking very attractive today.

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-I've got a caller through on line one.

-Thank you very much indeed.

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Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

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-How can I be of assistance today?

-My name is Faisal.

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I wanted to ask what is the most expensive piece of art?

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What's the most expensive piece of art?

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Being a bit of an art buff, I like me art expensive,

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and if I'm paying top dollar, I want to see a lot of art.

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-If you would care to take a look, Mr Reeves.

-Yes.

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Some of the biggest art has been made by the artist Christo

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who wraps massive structures, and even sometimes islands,

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in silk and calls it art.

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You know what? I would like to meet this Crusty.

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Something arty loading in D7.

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'Christo loading in D7.'

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-Yo, man, I'm Christo.

-I thought you might be.

-What up?

-How do you do?

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-Very good.

-Whatever, man.

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Well, Christo, how would you describe your art?

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Yeah, I just like to wrap stuff up. I make it look amazing.

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I make it look blazing.

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I see something massive, I just got w-w-wrap it.

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-Is this Captain Length-Width?

-Yeah, sorry about that.

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I saw him on the way in, sitting there looking massive

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and I just had to w-w-wrap it.

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-I can't help it, that's how I do.

-Are you OK?

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Not exactly, Mr Reeves, it was rather forced upon me by Christian.

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-It's Christo, Popeye!

-Yes, super stuff.

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-Respect is due, touch, touch, touch.

-Whatever, man.

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Don't touch him.

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-Well, I must say, Christo, Christi...

-Christo, fool.

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Yes, Christo, I did enjoy the art that I saw earlier on

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-with the buildings wrapped up.

-No, that ain't no art,

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that's a birthday present for my wife.

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I gots to get her something extra special

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because she's still mad at me for wrapping up her mother.

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Nice. That's thoughtful, buying a building and wrapping it up.

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No, man, I didn't buy it, I just wrapped it up!

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You can't do that!

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I can do whatever I like, I'm Christo, I wrap stuff up.

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You can't do that!

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-I wrap it, that's how I do.

-I'm not having any of that bizzle.

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What you talk about?! That's what I do, I see something massive,

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I got to w-w-wrap it up. Nuff said.

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You can't go around wrapping willy nilly.

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-What have you done to my desk?

-You like it?

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No, I don't like it. You can't go around wrapping stuff up

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-around the Ministry. Get out. Go on, get out.

-Get your hands off me!

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-You're crazy, get off me!

-Get out.

-I'm gon' call my mother!

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We don't want your sort around here. Get out!

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Don't touch me, you crazy man!

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There! Clear off and don't come back!

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That one was rather cheesing me off, Mr Reeves. My hero.

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-Yes, I am rather good at boxing.

-I can tell.

-Anyway, where were we?

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-The most expensive piece of art?

-What about the smallest piece?

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An English artist, Willard Wigan,

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makes tiny sculptures of landmarks, like the Statue of Liberty,

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and they're small enough to fit in the head of a pin?

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-Really?

-Something's rumbling in X5 down there.

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'Willard Wigan loading in X5.'

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-Hello, who's this, then?

-Hello.

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Hello.

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-I am the artist Willard Wigan.

-Hello.

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What a lovely handshake(!)

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VIC CLEARS HIS THROAT

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So, Willard Wigan,

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may I ask, do you come from Wigan?

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HE LAUGHS

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-No, I'm from Birmingham.

-Right, that's the small talk over, then.

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So, what do you do?

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Well, I've taught myself how to enter a meditative state,

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slowing my heart rate down,

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and breathing so I can keep very still.

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The work is very difficult.

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-No, it's not.

-What?

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No, it's not difficult, it's easy. Easy peasy.

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WILLARD SCOFFS

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I can assure you it's not.

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Oh, it is.

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You see, I do it myself, I make tiny art myself,

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although I choose not to blow my own trumpet...

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TRUMPET BLOWS

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..about it. Would you like to see some?

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Take a look at this.

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That there

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is Beyonce carved into a breakfast loop.

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-# All the single ladies

-All the single ladies.

-#

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What you think of that?

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It's all right, I suppose.

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Yes, it's magnificent, and that's not even my best.

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I've done the whole cast of Eastenders in breakfast cereal.

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They're around here somewhere.

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They were here. Captain Length-Width,

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where did you get that cereal?

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It came from outer space.

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-Where did you get that cereal?

-Off your desk.

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-Off my desk.

-Yes.

-As I suspected.

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You've eaten the entire cast of Eastenders,

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and not only that, you've embarrassed me in front of Willy...

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-Gone.

-He's gone.

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Do you know what, I can never forgive you for this. Never!

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I can never forgive you!

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Never ever in a million lifetimes can I ever forgive you

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for what you have just done!

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-What if I gave you £2?

-Yes, all right, then. Thank you.

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-Going to tuck into a bit of Pat Butcher now.

-Good.

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We've seen big art, small art, but what's the most expensive art?

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Well, here's a curious artefact.

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In 2007 a French woman was charged

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with criminal damage after kissing a painting worth 2 million.

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She said he was overcome with passion and couldn't help herself.

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She sounds absolutely stark-staring, hairdryer, monkey legs...

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-Bonkers.

-Bonkers, thank you.

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'Rindy Sam loading in G1.'

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Look at you, Mr Vicky Reeves, you are beautiful,

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like a work of art or something.

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Come here. Mwah!

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Oh, get off! Get off me!

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Captain, get this kissy, French- art-kissing woman away from me!

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Like to kiss art, hey?

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Bonjour, Mademoiselle.

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Holy mackerel! Come 'ere, you walking piece of hunky art, you.

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KISSING SOUNDS

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Pack it in, there are animals present. Hoot, hoot.

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Don't look, Scott. Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot!

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-Quick, quick, we need another art fact.

-What about this, Mr Reeves?

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What about the artist Tim Knowles?

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Behold, Tim Knowles, the artist.

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His rather odd technique is to attach pens

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to the branches of trees

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and let the wind do the work.

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Darling, what do you think?

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Doo-doo!

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Hmmm...

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Top-notch. It looks just like me.

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I thank you.

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So he just ties Biros to the bottom of a tree

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and lets the tree do the work? To me, that's just lazy art.

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And we still haven't found the answer to Faisal's question,

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what is the most expensive art in the world?

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I've found it, Mr Reeves.

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The most expensive piece of art was by the artist Jackson Pollock.

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The piece was called Number 5 and was allegedly sold for 140 million.

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If you would care to take a look.

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Wow. That's what the most expensive painting in the world looks like.

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Oh, Number 5, you are beautiful.

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Come here, you big hunky piece of art, you.

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Oi, steady on, love, that's worth 140 million!

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Don't slobber all over it,

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-although it looks like you might have already.

-Do you mind?

-Oh!

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So, there we are, Jackson Pollock's painting, Number 5,

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is the most expensive painting in the world.

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Get that information off to Faisal pronto. Thank you, Miss Teapot.

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-Party.

-Party.

-Right away, Mr Reeves.

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'Attention, attention, Flying Postal Services entering the Ministry.

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'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.

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'Postal person descending.

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'Postal person descending. Please stand back.

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'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'

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'Postal services departing, stand clear.

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'Post will be delivered in approximately

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'two minutes and 32 seconds.

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'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'

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Farewell, postal mistress.

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Time for another question. What have we got, Mr Frazernagle?

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-The switchboards are block-a-chock.

-Chock-a-block.

-Chopping block?

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Never mind.

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Anyway, I've got a caller on line two. I'll put you through.

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Thank you, if you could be so kind.

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Hello. This is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

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How might I be of insistence?

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Hello, I'm Lucy and I want to know, what is so great about babies?

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Thank you, Lucy. Good day.

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Right, so, what's so great about babies?

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I tell you what would be good,

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if we could actually speak to a newborn baby,

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who could actually speak. Wouldn't that be marvellous?

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Be careful what you wish for. I've got a big man baby coming through.

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'Man baby loading in H3.

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-Hello.

-Hello, strange man.

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-I'm known in both circles as Simon.

-Hello, giant man baby Simon.

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-Perhaps you could help us.

-Did you see what I just did?

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-I tried to put my foot in my mouth. What is that all about?

-I've no idea.

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I just decided it was the best thing to do at the time.

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Maybe you can answer...?

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I'm bored! Entertain me or I shall cause a fuss,

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and trust me I can make quite a racket.

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There will be screaming, and quite probably some snot involved.

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Good, but what I want to know...

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I just decided to pull the head off my teddy bear. What spontaneity!

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Yes. Could you tell us...?

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Why did I do that? My beloved teddy.

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-I wholeheartedly regret my actions!

-You should.

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It seemed like such a good idea at the time!

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Now then...

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The question is what's so great about babies?

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-Guess what?

-What?

-I've just messed my nappy so the real question is...

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Well, I didn't really get anywhere there, Miss Tea Towel.

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Party.

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Yes, Towel, Party. Miss Teaparty.

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Well, I have a very curious fact, Mr Reeves.

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Did you know that babies can't actually cry?

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-Well, giant man baby Simon just cried.

-Oh!

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Yes, well, technically he didn't as there were no real tears.

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They can scream for all they need, but technically babies

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can't produce real tears until they're three weeks old.

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Let's ask him - giant man baby Simon, can you cry?

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What? Me, cry?

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Don't be ridiculous. Did you listen to a word the young lady said?

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I'm two weeks old, I can't cry, no! No, you stupid, stupid man.

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I've never been more indignant in my life. This is ridiculous.

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Come on, any more facts?

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Mr Reeves, this is amazing!

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I've found a woman who has had the most unbelievable number of babies!

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Extraordinary.

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According to the 2004 Guinness Book of Records,

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a Russian wife, Feodor Vassilyev,

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reportedly gave birth to 69 children in the 18th century.

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She allegedly gave birth to 16 sets of twins...

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..seven sets of triplets...

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..and four sets of quadruplets!

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Now that is a lot of babies.

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CRYING

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Will you kids just shut up?!

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We still haven't answered Lucy's question,

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-what's so great about babies?

-Well, I do have an idea.

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Maybe we should turn our attention to the animal world,

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because some animals do have really great babies.

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Oh, I have a very curious fact here!

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Did you know that as soon as a baby giraffe is born,

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it immediately falls six feet towards the ground head first?

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The impact is what causes the baby giraffe to take its first breath.

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-Imagine that.

-THUD

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Whoops, how embarrassing!

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-Is everything all right down there?

-Yes, it's fine.

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I'm pleased to announce that you've given birth to, uh,

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a giraffe.

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Right, get in there. All right. Good luck.

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Hmm, this is curious.

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Did you know that all shrimp are born male then grow up to be female?

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-No, I didn't.

-We appear to have some shrimp in Z13.

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'Baby shrimp loading in Z13.'

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Look, there they are.

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-Could you tell me how many amongst you are female?

-What?

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-No, mate, no.

-No girls allowed!

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This is a no girl-zone.

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THEY LAUGH

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Well, I'll just make a note of that - no girls allowed.

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So, why do you not allow girls in your gang?

0:16:340:16:37

What?

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-We ARE girls?

-Silly!

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Girl hater!

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It seems that you were right, Lovett. Oh!

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I'm bored! Entertain me.

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Or feed me!

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I'm hungry.

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Here's something that might be of use.

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In the early 1900s, they invented baby cages.

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-Baby cages?

-Mm-hm. The baby cage was a curious invention,

0:17:030:17:06

-if you'd care to take a look.

-Yes.

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It was designed so your baby

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could get fresh air even if you lived in a high-rise flat.

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The baby would sit in a cage that was then precariously tied

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to the outside of a high window.

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But it just didn't take off.

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Perhaps we should reintroduce baby cages for man baby Simon.

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-Already taken care of, Mr Reeves.

-What's going on?

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This is preposterous. I'm in a cage.

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Although I must say the air at this altitude is much fresher.

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There we are, problem solved.

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In answer to Lucy's question, what's so great about babies,

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well, remember the baby giraffe,

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remember the baby shrimps.

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I think we can safely say that babies, both animal and human,

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are pretty amazing

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and well worth looking after.

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So, can you get those findings off to Lucy, please, Miss Teaparty?

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Right away, Mr Reeves.

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'Attention,, attention,

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'Flying Postal Services has arrived.

0:18:070:18:10

'Post prepared for postal personnel.

0:18:110:18:14

'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,

0:18:160:18:19

'Your number one aerial courier.'

0:18:190:18:22

Goodbye, my postal angel.

0:18:230:18:24

Frazernagle, what are you doing this weekend?

0:18:240:18:27

-Well, Mr Reeves, I'm going whaling.

-Really?

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-Do you want to hear a bit?

-If you like.

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HE WAILS

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Hmm. Time for one final question.

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I've got a brilliant caller with a great question on line four.

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Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

0:18:440:18:47

How might I help you?

0:18:470:18:50

Hello, my name is Sunny and my question is,

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can you buy a pet from a vending machine?

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Thank you, goodbye.

0:18:550:18:57

Can you buy a pet from a vending machine?

0:19:020:19:07

I've never in my life heard anything more ridiculous or preposterous!

0:19:070:19:11

The only thing you can get from a vending machine

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is crisps, pop, chocolate, and maybe a cheeky little biscuit.

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Remember when we shared that cheeky little biscuit

0:19:190:19:21

at the top of Mount Everest?

0:19:210:19:23

No, that was a cheeky little biscuit on the top of the bins

0:19:230:19:27

-round the back of the supermarket.

-Yes, you're right.

0:19:270:19:30

My mistake, so sorry, my bad.

0:19:300:19:33

An easy mistake to make. Whoa, would you look at that?!

0:19:340:19:39

Take a look at this little beauty. Do you know what I'm going to do?

0:19:390:19:44

-I'm going to use my £2...

-Nice one!

0:19:440:19:48

..and buy myself a packet of cheese and onion and onion crisps.

0:19:480:19:55

Come on.

0:19:550:19:56

-HE GROANS

-Would you look at that?

0:19:560:20:00

The cheese and onion and onion crisps are stuck. Modern technology!

0:20:000:20:04

Actually, Mr Reeves, it's really not that modern. It says here that

0:20:040:20:08

the first vending machine was invented rather a long time ago.

0:20:080:20:12

Really?

0:20:120:20:13

The very first vending machine is thought to have been

0:20:150:20:18

invented in Greece over 2,000 years ago.

0:20:180:20:21

It worked in the usual way - a customer would put money

0:20:220:20:25

in the slot and a drink would be dispensed.

0:20:250:20:28

But it wasn't fizzy pop, no.

0:20:280:20:30

This machine sold holy water.

0:20:300:20:34

Holy water? Heavenly!

0:20:340:20:37

That's very clever. Any other vending machine facts?

0:20:400:20:43

Well, this one is brilliant.

0:20:430:20:46

In 2010, a new vending machine was invented

0:20:460:20:49

that gives you free ice cream, but only if you're smiling enough.

0:20:490:20:53

It's currently being tested in Singapore and France.

0:20:530:20:57

That's fantastic. Better than this hunk of junk,

0:20:570:21:00

-and also rather curious.

-RUMBLING

0:21:000:21:04

Stations, everyone!

0:21:040:21:05

Brace yourselves.

0:21:070:21:09

-Where's the ice cream?

-'Smile for ice cream.'

0:21:280:21:31

-What?

-'Smile for ice cream.'

0:21:330:21:36

OK.

0:21:360:21:37

'Smile not recognised.'

0:21:390:21:41

'Smile not recognised.'

0:21:430:21:45

'Smile not recognised.'

0:21:460:21:48

-'Smile not recognised.'

-Stupid thing!

0:21:480:21:52

I don't think it works quite like that, Mr Reeves.

0:22:040:22:07

That's because the only thing you should get out of a vending

0:22:070:22:10

machine is crisps, and mine are trapped within this brute!

0:22:100:22:14

I'm going in to get them. Come out.

0:22:140:22:18

I know you're in there! Don't think I won't find you.

0:22:180:22:21

I can smell you!

0:22:210:22:23

They're in here somewhere!

0:22:230:22:25

How curious.

0:22:250:22:27

Some of the strange things you can buy from a vending machine

0:22:270:22:30

-include umbrellas.

-Umbrella? I need one of those.

0:22:300:22:34

You can get eggs.

0:22:350:22:37

Eggs? Everyone loves a good egg.

0:22:370:22:40

-Footballs.

-Football, let's have a kickaround!

0:22:420:22:45

Ties. You can even get trainers.

0:22:460:22:49

Ties and trainers? I'd look proper smart.

0:22:490:22:52

I'm going to get me some of that.

0:22:520:22:54

And if you're still peckish, apparently you can even get a pizza!

0:22:560:23:00

You look different, Mr Reeves. Have you done something to your hair?

0:23:070:23:11

All I wanted was my flaming crisps, is that too much to ask?!

0:23:110:23:15

Now, where are my crisps?

0:23:180:23:20

SNAPPING, HE GROANS

0:23:200:23:23

-What's he doing in there?

-There are vending machines

0:23:250:23:28

in Japan that dispense live lobsters for cooking.

0:23:280:23:31

-A live lobster?

-I know what you're thinking, Mr Reeves!

0:23:310:23:36

So, if I don't eat him, I can keep him as a pet?

0:23:360:23:40

Not only as a pet, but a lifelong companion. A true friend.

0:23:400:23:45

Oh, ain't that sweet?

0:23:450:23:48

You and me, Steve, are going away

0:23:480:23:51

to the Camber rock'n'roll weekend!

0:23:510:23:54

Lucky Steve. THEY LAUGH

0:23:540:23:57

# Some people have dogs for friends

0:24:000:24:02

# Some people keep horses Some people keep hens

0:24:020:24:05

# But I've got a pet that I recommend

0:24:050:24:08

# He's a rock'n'roll crustacean

0:24:080:24:11

# I'm a lobster, that's what I am

0:24:110:24:13

-# He's a lobster

-I'm a lobster

0:24:130:24:15

-# He's a lobster

-I'm a lobster

0:24:150:24:18

# A lobster, that's what I am

0:24:180:24:20

# Some people keep a bird in a cage

0:24:270:24:29

# Some people think a mouse is all the rage

0:24:290:24:32

# Horses have hooves and dogs have paws

0:24:320:24:34

# But this little baby's got a pair of claws

0:24:340:24:37

-# I'm a lobster, that's what I am

-He's a lobster

0:24:370:24:40

-# I'm a lobster

-He's a lobster

0:24:400:24:43

-# I'm a lobster

-A lobster, that's what he am

0:24:430:24:46

# A lobster, that's what he am. #

0:24:460:24:49

So the answer's yes, you can get a pet from a vending machine,

0:24:500:24:55

as long as it's a lobster and you live in Japan.

0:24:550:24:57

You know the drill, Miss Teaparty,

0:24:570:24:59

get those findings off to Sunny as quickly as possible.

0:24:590:25:03

Thank you.

0:25:030:25:05

'Attention, ministry. The working day is over.'

0:25:070:25:10

What an exciting day!

0:25:100:25:12

Yes, and before I go off on my rockabilly weekend with Steve,

0:25:140:25:17

I'd like to say what a terrific day we've had.

0:25:170:25:20

'Reassessing curious stuff.'

0:25:200:25:22

Faisal asked what's the most expensive piece of art?

0:25:220:25:26

We met Christo who wraps things up and calls it art.

0:25:260:25:29

I see something massive, I just got w-w-wra it.

0:25:290:25:32

Willard Wigan who makes tiny art.

0:25:320:25:34

-What do think of that?

-It's all right, I suppose.

0:25:340:25:37

And Rindy Sam who loves art so much she kissed it.

0:25:370:25:40

Today, the most expensive piece of art

0:25:430:25:45

is Jackson Pollock's Number 5. It sold for 140 million!

0:25:450:25:50

Lucy wanted to know what's the point in babies?

0:25:500:25:53

Baby giraffes fall six feet when they're born.

0:25:530:25:56

-Is everything all right?

-Baby shrimp change from being boys to girls.

0:25:560:26:00

-Why do you not allow girls in your gang?

-We ARE girls, silly!

0:26:000:26:05

-A lady in Russia is said to have had 69 babies!

-Kids, shut up!

0:26:050:26:10

All in all, babies can do pretty amazing things.

0:26:100:26:14

Sunny wanted to know, could you buy a pet from a vending machine?

0:26:140:26:18

We found out that vending machines have been around since Ancient

0:26:180:26:22

Greece, and in Japan you can buy lobsters from vending machines!

0:26:220:26:26

What's he doing in there?

0:26:260:26:29

To answer Sunny's question, you CAN get a pet from a vending machine.

0:26:290:26:32

If you want a pet lobster like me.

0:26:320:26:36

So, goodbye everybody, goodbye.

0:26:360:26:38

'End of the day. Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'

0:26:380:26:42

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

0:26:420:26:45

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

0:26:450:26:48

Stand back, everyone.

0:26:480:26:50

I'm going home for me tea!

0:26:520:26:55

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