Episode 1 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff, we explore any subject

you desire, and deliver top-quality curious facts.

On hand, our dedicated team - Lovett, Teaparty, Frasernagle

on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls.

And of course, Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, the megaboss will shut the ministry down.

Let's not dilly-dally. There's lots to do.

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff. Good morning, everybody.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Oho! Now, Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines?

Well, sharks are immune to viruses.

Race car spelt backwards

is still race car,

and Length-Width is confused about his reflection again.

-Is he?

-What are you doing,

following me around? Any more of this and I'm going to the cops.

It's a mirror, man! A mirror! How many more times...?

Length-Width, how are you getting on

with the Norska air trumpet competition?

Well, I have bought my tickets to Norway. I have practised my piece.

I tell you what, I'm ready to go.

-Let's hear it.

-Really? You want to hear it now? Here we go then.

Get my trumpet.

TRUMPET SOUNDS

-You're a bit good.

-I've been practising. Do you want to have a go?

-I want to hear what you're going to play?

-Can I use yours?

Please, please.

TRUMPET SOUNDS DUFF NOTES

Good luck in Norway!

-Nice trumpet you've got.

-Yes, thank you.

CREAKING

Please forgive me, I'm so sorry that that happened.

Well, thank you!

Mr Reeves, if you don't get on with some work,

you'll all have to work late.

ALL: What?!

So less larking around. It all goes in the report, remember.

Right, very well.

Mr Frasernagle. Hi, Frazzazz!

-Oh! morning, Mr Reeves.

-Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

The switchboards are absolutely chocka.

I've got a great call on line two. I'll put you through.

Thank you. Hello, this is Vic Reeves here of the Ministry of

Curious Stuff. How might I be of attendance to your query?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Juliet,

and I want to know some curious stuff about teeth.

Thank you, Juliet. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Juliet would like to know some fascinatingly curious facts

about teeth, so let's get cracking.

Right, what facts have we got on teeth, then?

Ouch! My teeth!

How incredibly painful,

and yet coincidental that we're talking about teeth.

What can I do to cease this infernal agony?

Well, here's something, Mr Reeves. In 1800, people with false teeth

went to great lengths to protect them.

They would eat before social events to prevent them

falling out at dinner.

Yes, and then at the dinner party, they would pretend to eat the food.

This unique Victorian tradition protected them

against the embarrassment of having their teeth fall out whilst dining.

-It's soup!

-Oh!

Mm! This is delicious.

-Have some more.

-I couldn't possibly.

-Oh, go on.

-I'll burst my corset!

Hedges?

-Yes, sir?

-There appears to be a hair my food.

-I'll remove it for you straight way, sir.

-That would be lovely.

-I couldn't eat any more.

-You won't be wanting any trifle then, madam.

Trifle? Food fight!

Idiots!

Whoopsee!

-My tooth is killing me. There must be something I can do.

-What a fuss!

You know, you could try kissing a donkey.

Nice try, love it, but I'm not falling for that one again.

No, really. In Germany in the Middle Ages, it was

believed that a donkey kiss relieved toothache.

That sounds absolutely ridiculous.

I need to talk to a dental expert from the Middle Ages.

Miss Wannamaker?

Rudy and Neil in G1 for you, Mr Reeves?

Hello, everybody. How are you?

Donkey, donkey, donkey.

Come on, Neil. So, this is Neil.

Here we go. Neil is 28 years old. He is from Birmingham.

He likes eating grass and shopping. Yes, look how fast he is.

Come on, Neil. Round we go.

Rudy, kissing a donkey to cure toothache - it's just

-mumbo-jumbo, isn't it?

-No way, dude.

-I swear on my favourite mouthwash that it works a treat.

-What?

Just one kiss from my super-best friend Neil here,

and it makes all the pain go away.

OK.

DRUM ROLL

No, didn't work.

Well, I suppose there's no real scientific explanation,

but you've got to admit, he is a great kisser.

Come on, Neil. Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye, Rudy. Goodbye, Neill.

Stop playing with your tooth, Mr Reeves. It's going to fall out.

Yeah, all right.

Well, research suggests a snail has approximately 25,000 teeth.

Rubbish. There's not one single tooth in this snail's mouth.

-That's the wrong end.

-What?

Oh, that makes your eyes water.

There. My tooth's come out.

-Your tooth's come out?

-Yes.

-Oh.

-My tooth's come out.

I told you it would come out if you kept fiddling with it, Mr Reeves.

But at least the pain is gone now.

At last he can stop whining.

You can put your tooth under your pillow for the truth fairy

-and make some money.

-Yes!

-Here's something curious, Mr Reeves.

In Spain, France, and Italy, they don't have a tooth fairy,

they have a tooth mouse.

A tooth mouse? Collecting European children's teeth?

I need to investigate this.

-Quantum theory, Ken?

-Yep.

-Mon cherie, je t'aime.

-Ah, je t'aime.

-Cherie.

Hello, Vic Reeves, Ministry of Curious Stuff.

You must be David Battenberg,

wildlife presenter and world-famous tooth-mouse hunter.

-Yes, that's me.

-I was wondering if I might tag along

and maybe catch sight of the little fella.

Of course. But we must be very, very quiet.

Now, what we're watching here is Pablo,

a young Spanish butcher who only this morning lost a tooth.

He's placed it under the pillow,

and is now awaiting the arrival of the mysterious tooth mouse.

-And there he is, there.

-Where?

If you look really carefully, you can just about make him out.

There he is, there, just on the other side of the room.

As you can see, it's a complete professional.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

What, speak up? I can't hear you. No, I'm looking for teeth. Teeth.

Yes, I cant find any. No. Getting on my nerves.

Psst! Psst! Have my tooth.

Yes, I've found it. That's me done. See you later.

Oi! Tooth mouse!

-What?

-What do I get, then?

Oh, yes. Sorry.

There you go, mate.

-Cheers.

-Buy yourself something nice.

-Well, thanks a bunch!

-Bye!

Hey, do you know what?

You can keep that tooth fairy and her small change.

-What did you get, Mr Reeves?

-In exchange for my whole tooth,

I got Gorgonzola.

Don't worry, there's a cure for that.

-Oh, cheese.

-Yes.

Mr Reeves! We need more curious facts and less cheesy nonsense.

Shall we get on, and extract the facts?

Dear Juliet, I am delighted to enclose

some curious stuff about teeth.

We found that the Victorians would pretend to eat at dinner parties

to protect their false teeth.

Kissing a donkey was thought to cure toothache

in Germany in the Middle Ages.

A snail has approximately 25,000 teeth.

And a tooth mouse collects children's teeth

in Spain, France, and Italy.

So that's curious teeth. What's next?

Aw! Welcome to the Ministry canteen.

-Morning, Mrs Dollop.

-It's Dol-LOPE! What can I get for you, sweetheart?

I want a salad. Make me a salad. I want a salad now!

All right, sweetie. I'll get you a lovely salad. Tony! Salad!

Did you know that the Ancient Greeks awarded celery to

the winners of sport events?

Go figure.

Where's that salad, Tony? Just throw something together.

Ah! Ah! Not at me, you hairy ha'porth!

I'm sorry, the kitchen is closed for training.

OK, Mr Frasernagle. Any calls on the switchboard?

Ooh! Call coming through on line one. Putting you through.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, Vic Reeves here of the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of cooperation in your concern.

Hello, Mister Reeves. My name is Laurie.

I'd like to know some curious stuff about diamonds.

Thank you, Laurie. Thank you very much for your question. Goodbye.

Yes, goodbye. Goodbye!

Laurie wants to know some curious facts about diamonds.

Length-Width, any diamonds in your jewellery box?

-Diamonds? No.

-Rubies?

Yes, I've got diamonds in Ruby's jewellery box.

-Pearls?

-Yes, that's the thing.

Pearl keeps Ruby's jewellery box underneath her bed

-with my diamonds in it.

-I'm confused.

-Ha-ha! You will be.

Right, come on. Curious diamond facts.

Diamonds are made from carbon under crushing pressure and intense heat.

You'll find most diamonds are over a billion years old.

Blimey! That's about as old as Miss Bracegirdle!

-LAUGHTER

-What was that, Mr Jeeves?

I said, "Blimey! It's cold!" Miss Bracegirdle.

-Yes. That's what he said.

-Likely!

It says here the largest diamond ever discovered on Earth

is estimated to be worth £200 million.

That's a lot of cash.

Oh, Mr Reeves. This is very exciting.

A white dwarf star called Lucy was discovered in 2004.

A white dwarf is the hot core that's left over when a star dies,

and it's made mostly of carbon, and at up to 4,000 kilometres wide,

Lucy is currently thought to be the biggest diamond in the universe.

Ooh! A diamond star? A star that's a diamond?

That's a bit far-fetched, isn't it? I want to talk to Ken Millet,

the world's smallest NASA specialist.

-Hello, Vic.

-Hello, Ken. So this star's a diamond, right?

Yes, that's right. It's the biggest diamond in the universe.

-How d'you know? Did you go there with your drill?

-No.

-So how would you know it's a diamond?

-I just know.

-But how?

-I just do.

-All right.

Well, maybe I know there's a planet with a crunchy honeycomb centre

covered in chocolate, the biggest chocolate treat in the universe.

-That's ridiculous.

-Yeah, but how do you know?

-I just do.

-Yeah, but how do you know?

-Because it's a massive diamond.

-But how do you know?

-I just do!

-How d'you know?

-I just do.

-How d'you know?

-I just do.

-How'd you know?

-I just do.

BOTH SCREAM

That's good enough for me. Thanks for clearing that up, Ken.

No problem, Vic. Any time.

Well, actually, Mr Reeves, stars give out pulses which

scientists can measure, and that's how they know what's inside.

Well, now we know.

OK. Any more curious facts about diamonds, please?

Er, yes. If you'd care to take a look.

Damien Hirst created a piece of artwork called For The Love Of God.

Basically, it's just a human skull covered in thousands of diamonds.

Well, that is incredible!

That would look really good on the handlebars of my moped.

I'm going to buy it. Right, let's have a look.

How much is it?

Um, it has a price tag of £50 million.

Right, um...

Miss Teaparty, you couldn't lend me £49,999,999.28p,

could you? I'll give it to you back at the weekend.

I've only got a fiver.

Well, if you, like me, can't afford £50 million,

here's how you make your very own Damien-Hirst-style diamond skull.

Now, for the skull, you need to get into your garden

and dig up pumpkin, but if you don't want to get your fingernails dirty,

do as I've done, and use the head of an idiot.

Glad I could help, Mr Reeves.

Next, we apply some honey onto the face,

being careful to avoid the eyes and nose holes.

-Oh! I'll say.

-Yes. And for the diamonds, I've used rice puffs.

Apply them onto the honey there.

This seems like very intricate work.

-How long do you think this might take?

-Well, you know,

good art can take years and years.

Well, I've got a swimming lesson at two,

so if you could just whip things along a bit, I'd be very grateful.

Yep, OK, I'll do what I can.

-Mr Reeves, I really don't think we have time.

-There we are. Finished!

Isn't that lovely?

-SHE MOUTHS

-And if we compare...

I don't know about you, but I can't tell which is which.

And the bonus of my home version is that if you get caught out

in the rain, it makes a lovely "snip, crickle and plop" sound!

SNIP Whoops!

Whoops, indeed! It may be beautiful, but it's a waste of time.

-It's going in the report.

-Ooh, that woman!

Right, Miss Teaparty - any more curious facts on diamonds?

Er, well, Mr Reeves - the Koh-i-Noor

is a diamond that sits in the Queen's crown,

and it is said that it carries with it a curse

which affects the men who wear it, but not the women.

Yes. All the men who owned the stone either lost their throne

or had something else bad happen to them.

Queen Victoria was the first female reigning monarch to wear the stone,

and since her reign, the stone is generally worn by the British Queen.

-Ooh! Sounds impressive! I want to see this.

-I'm coming, too!

Right, the Koh-i-Noor diamond should be just through here.

Wow! There it is. Isn't it beautiful?

-I must say, I really, really want that.

-You can't have it.

-But I want it.

-Can't have it!

Come on, let's get out of here before we do something we regret.

-Yes, yes!

-Don't look at it!

Well, that was lovely, wasn't it? Hey, what's that doing on your head?

-I made it quite clear that I wanted it.

-What about the curse?

-Oh, don't be...

-Agh!

-THUNDER CLAPS

What curse?

We're going to have to get rid of that diamond.

Listen, we're going to have to get rid of this diamond.

-We're... That's what I said.

-There's Trevor!

-Trevor!

-Hoi-hoi, Trevor!

-All right, lads, how are you doing?

Trevor, you're a market tradesman. What are you selling today?

Right, today, right, mate, I've got this fake pork pie and a kestrel..

BOTH: Hmmm.

Would you swap a kestrel for that massive diamond?

Are you joking? A kestrel for a diamond, mate? Not a chance.

THEY GRUMBLE

# Diamonds aren't for Trevor

# He finds them unappealing

# Boring, not worth stealing

# He says they are just gravel

# With no right to dazzle the ladies

# Diamonds aren't for Trevor

# He says they're Jumped up little pebbles

# Trevor prefers kestrels

# And this is why

# Trevor, the grocer from Leicester

# Has never and never

# Will wed. #

Aw, poor Trevor.

And it'll be poor Mr Reeves, too, if you don't stop that warbling.

Who do you think you are? Wayne Crooney. Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha(!)

Remember. If the Ministry isn't up to scratch, it will be shut down.

For now, shall we extract some facts?

Dear Lawrie, I'm delighted to enclose

some curious stuff about diamonds.

We found diamonds are made from carbon,

which has been crushed and put under intense heat.

A white dwarf star called Lucy

is thought to be the biggest diamond in the universe.

Damien Hirst made artwork out of a human skull,

which he covered in diamonds.

And the Koh-i-noor worn by the Queen is thought to have a curse

that only affects men who wear it.

Diamond facts extracted. So, what's next?

Mr Frazernagle, surely there must be someone on the line at the moment?

Ooh! I've got a tremenDOUS call coming through on line four .

I'll put you through now.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff,

how might I provide backing in your search?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Guy

and I'd like to know some stuff about curious competitions.

Certainly, Guy. Thank you, goodbye.

Guy would like to know some facts about curious competitions.

OK, it's time for the Ministry of Curious Stuff's

Annual Curious Competition Competition.

FANFARE

OK, what's our first contender

for the most curious competition competition?

Mobile phone throwing is an international sport

that started in Finland in the year 2000.

It's a sport where participants throw mobile phones

then they're judged on distance or technique.

Fascinating.

WHISTLING RINGTONE

Oh!

Hello, Mummy.

What's that? Well, I'll have a look...

No, no, they're clean on last Tuesday.

Listen, just relax, Mother. I really do know what I'm doing...

What are you doing?! My mother!

Goodbye. You may return to your bubbling cauldron.

Thank you very much! What are you doing?!

No, no, no! No!

Good throw.

Thanks, Captain.

-Right, next competition, please, Miss Teaparty.

-Well, Mr Reeves...

BONK

The world's ugliest dog competition takes place every year

in California, and the winner gets 1,000.

1,000?!

Well, allow me to introduce you to the revolting face

which is going to win me that 1,000.

The soon to be winner, my hideous dog,

Simon Davenport!

Look! There he is, makes you want to heave, doesn't it?

-That's not a dog.

-That is a dog.

It's the ugliest dog in the universe.

-No, it's a pig in a wig.

-It's not! It's a dog!

-It's a pig!

-A pig with a wig on.

-Clearly.

Now, you look here, Mr Reeves!

I like as much fun as the next man, but trying to pass off that pig

in a wig as the ugliest dog in the world, that's going too far!

I don't know how you sleep at night!

-You look here!

-You look here!

You look here!

-That's a pig in a wig!

-No, it's a doggy-woggy.

-It's a piggy-wiggy!

-Doggy!

-It's a piggy-wiggy in a wiggy!

-Now, you look here!

-You look here!

-Arrgh!

-Arrr!

This is a dog!

He's right, you know. That's a pig in a wig.

Ha ha! From a dog!

HE GRUMBLES

Right, more curious facts on curious competitions, please.

The world worm charming championship started in 1980.

Yes, it was won by Tom Shufflebotham

for collecting 511 worms in 30 minutes.

Well done, Mr Shufflebotham.

Mmm, I'd like to meet this worm charming champion.

There's a worm charmer in X5, Mr Reeves.

Well, hello.

Hang on a minute, you're not Tom Shufflebotham,

World Worm-Charming champion?

No, I'm Humphrey Smooth.

Winner of the World's Most Charming Worm Competition.

-It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

-And you.

I absolutely love what you've done with your hair.

-It makes you look 20 years younger.

-Thank you.

Teaparty, is that you?

I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you there,

I thought you were a movie star!

Love it, love you!

That's the best "mousse-stache" I've ever seen.

Never seen at all.

Bracegirdle, you're looking buffed, dude. Have you been working out?

CHUCKLING

Length-Width...

What a charming worm he was.

I'm crushed.

This next competition isn't quite so charming, Mr Reeves.

Apparently, at the turn of the century,

trumping contests were held in Japan.

Phoarr!

# You go first

# No, you go f-iiiirst

# I totally insist that you go first

# Very well. #

LOUD TRUMPETING

LAUGHTER

# After you! #

SQUEAKY TRUMPETING

# You win! #

Get in!

Oh, they were a rather unfragrant pair, Mr Reeves.

Yes, agreed, very stinky.

-How about the world of chess-boxing?

-Ahhh!

Now that sounds more up my street.

Length-Width, what are you doing over there?

I thought I'd get a quick game in, Mr Reeves. Why not come and join me?

I don't mind if I do.

Right, OK, now, where are we?

-Well, erm, I believe it's your move.

-Right, OK, good.

Erm, right... Let's have a look here. Ah! Now then...

Horse takes tower thing and one of those and

jumps up, that there.

Do you know what? I think chess-boxing could be my favourite

in the Curious Competition Competition.

Yes, I agree, Mr Reeves, although I've loved all the competitions.

-I'm over here.

-What?!

Well, they've all been great contenders.

But now it's time to find out who's the winner

of the Most Curious Competition Competition.

And the winner is...

The Ministry of Curious Stuff,

with The Ministry of Curious Stuff

Most Curious Competition Competition.

Oh my gosh, this is so unbelievable. Oh!

I promised myself I wouldn't cry but...

you only get a moment like this once in a lifetime...

Yes, yes, that's all very touching, I'm sure,

but I think we'd better wrap it up, don't you?

-Let's extract the fact.

-That was my big moment, Mr Reeves.

-Sshhh!

Or my favourite...

That's stuff about Curious Competitions.

And that is what you call fact extraction.

-Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-Oh, no, no, no.

Thank you, Mr Reeves. For there has been some outrageous behaviour

which has made it into my little report today.

The mega-boss is going to be very interested to read this.

But...I must admit,

we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, haven't we? I think we have, well done, team.

Now it's time to go, I think.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you, Miss Teaparty.

-What are you up to tonight, sir?

Tonight I'm going to be playing with my doll's house.

I mean dog's house! I...

I'm going to be getting into the dog's kennel, dog's sty,

pigsty, dogs...

Good night!

BOTH: Good night, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, everybody!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd